The Godly Family - Part 3 — Paul Washer

I'm going to get I'm going to get straight to our to what needs to be done. I want to cover about four hours of material right now, and I'm going to do it as fast as I can. But I am somewhat I will be somewhat downcast in this because I know that many of the things that I'm going to say will not be believed and will be explained away or will be held up as, oh, that's nice, but it's not realistic anyway.

I'm going to say it. I'm going to talk about marriage, but I'm going to start with courtship and try to work my way through as far as I can go when when you've had enough. Someone stand up and shoot me because that's what it's going to take.

And I will keep preaching until the last drop of blood has come out of my body. This is that important. I want to address there's so many things I'm not going to be able to touch on, such as the parents job in preparing his son or daughter, their son or daughter for marriage.

Parents Preparing Children for Marriage

It's their job to do that. It's also their responsibility to bless the child if he's a son, to go out and seek a wife or to bless the daughter, to receive a husband only when they realize that their child meets the biblical, the biblical qualifications.

And until then, they should not lay their blessing upon it. And by doing so, they may win the heart of their child, but they will not win the heart of God and they will cause their child a great deal of damage.

A Young Man's Readiness for Courtship

First of all, I'm going to go to I'm going to skip a lot of things and go to the win of courtship for a young man, when should a young man be blessed by his father to begin a relationship with the opposite sex?

Now, many of you are not going to believe me, but I'm going to say it anyways. Now, first of all, this young man must be willing to be blessed by his father. And able to separate from his father and mother and form a new family unit.

So 15 year olds who want to date that immediately cuts them off completely. As well as in our culture, 32 year olds that are still dependent upon their parents. So I want you to look, it says in Genesis 2, 24, for this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.

Now, notice this. It says a man. Not a boy. Now, in our in our culture, we have three categories instead of two in the Bible, you have boys and you have men in our culture, you have boys, adolescents and men.

But as I've already explained, the idea of adolescence is an evolutionary term, but it's not a biblical term. You see, if I walk up to a group of teenagers, young men, and I say, hey, boys, come here, they get mad at me.

But then I ask them, can I call you a man? If I can't call you a man, if you're not a man, then what are you? You are a boy. And that is the lie of adolescence. Adolescence basically makes this allowance.

It allows boys to participate in the privileges of men without being willing or able to assume the responsibilities of a man. I do some archery, I'm not very good at it, but I like archery and I shoot a longbow or I used to.

I don't much anymore. But a longbow shoots about half the speed of a compound bow because of that, you've got to make up somewhere and where do you do it? You make up for it in two ways. You shoot a heavier arrow.

You also have to be very, very precise about the sharpness of your broad heads. If they're not extremely sharp, they are simply not going to penetrate the animal because they don't have the speed. Well, because of that, the broad heads that we use, I mean, if you can be carrying it and if it hits your leg, it will slice your leg open.

And so my little boys who shoot with their little bows, they use field tips, they don't use broad heads. Why? Not because broad heads aren't good, it's because they cannot assume the responsibility of a broad head.

And until they do, they will not have broad heads on their arrows. My my dear friend, to let a boy loose into something as marriage will not into something as profound as marriage will not only kill him.

It'll kill the woman that he's making a relationship with. Everything requires preparation except the greatest event in a human's life outside of salvation, which is marriage. No preparation is required.

We just let them go or we give them this is the most ridiculous part. We tell them that they need to get six weeks of training once a week, go visit the pastor and he's going to teach them something. That's absolutely asinine.

It's pathetic. It requires a lifetime of teaching. It is something that a father is to be doing from the moment the child is is able to listen to his father to prepare him for manhood so that he might marry.

Now, it says a man must leave his father and mother. The verb leave here is very strong. It's translated from a Hebrew word meaning to leave behind, depart from, forsake, abandon, neglect. Doesn't mean that we're to neglect our parents, but it means that we are able to leave them behind and we are able to stand on our own.

That is what a new family unit is. They stand on their own. And then the verb joined is translated from a Hebrew word, which means to cling to stick clay, stay close, cleave, keep close. Is it that young man leaves his father and mother and clings to a woman?

Grandparents and the Authority of Parents

Now, people have asked me about grandparents. Grandparents can be a great blessing and grandparents can be the greatest of curses. Let me share with you something, grandparents, do not do not. Undermine the authority of the parents, you have no right.

It is not your child, you are not the patriarch, when that son of yours. Leaves your family, you may give him wisdom, you may always be a counselor to him, but you do not go around your son to get to your grandchildren to undermine the authority of your son or your daughter in law, because when you do, you become poison.

I'm sorry. That's true. And you will want to pamper those grandchildren and in doing so, you will kill them. I'm the only man that a lot of elderly people want to beat up, but you know, it's true. It's true.

I have seen so many grandparents even turn the heart of their grandchildren, their grandchildren against their parents. Be their mediators, their go-betweens, their protectors. It's very, very bad. So they join together a new relationship with a spouse is what this young man must desire.

Marriage as a New Family Unit

Now, this new relationship with a wife, it results in marked changes in every other relationship. Changes with the siblings, best friends, co-workers, even co-workers in the ministry. When you say yes to a woman, young man, when you say yes to a woman, basically you're saying no to everyone else, especially other women.

When you say I do to the rest of the women in the world, you are saying I don't. And now that woman is the most important person in your life over your mother. Your mother is not the most important person in your life.

You should care for her if she has needs. You should bless her. You should be there for her. You should honor her. Yet at the same time, you are obligated to protect your wife from her. A godly man may have to go even to a godly mother and say, Mom.

Now, listen to me, I will give my life for you. I will bring you into my home. I will do anything that's necessary. But when you are in my home, you will respect my authority. And most of all, you will respect the authority of my wife.

And if you cannot do that, mother, you are not welcome in my home. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? It's true. It's true. You can be the greatest of blessings. You can be the greatest of poison.

This is a new family. It says children obey your parents in the Lord. It does not say adults obey your parents in the Lord. Now, children should honor their parents and adults should honor their parents.

But when that young man leaves, he has created a new family unit. When that young lady leaves, it is a new family unit. And this is also very important for her. She does not run back to her mom and dad and whine about what she's gotten herself into.

Now, if she's married to an abusive husband, things like that, you know that there are times when wise men, especially elders, must step in. Things like that. We have no problem with that. But what I'm saying is you've got to realize you have broken off and you are a new family unit.

And young man, you become the authority that determines the blessedness or the cursedness of your family. Now, there's a lot of men out there that do not commit adultery. They are faithful in that aspect.

They don't have relationships with other women, but they do have relationships with other men that destroy their marriage. Not perverted or homosexual relationships, but friendships. Listen, I don't run with a bunch of boys.

I don't have a bunch of buddies I hang around with. I have a woman. I'm a man. I don't have my buddies. I don't have my hunting buddies. I don't have this. I don't have that. I have friends. I have co-laborers.

I have men I work with. But my time when it is free belongs to my wife and my children. So there is a sense in which all my buddies I say no to now. Doesn't mean I can't go out hunting every once in a while or this or that.

But I want to tell you something, a man who is truly dedicated to his work, to the things of God when he has free time, he doesn't have a lot of it. And it needs to go to his wife and his children. So I have to say not only no to other women, I have to say no to other men.

Marks of Male Maturity

Now, when a young man is thinking about courtship or thinking about some woman that he wants to marry, we need to look for important signs of maturity. And if they're not there, the father and the elders should withhold their blessing.

Now, let's look at some of these signs of male maturity that need to be there. Now, young men, listen to me. This does not mean that you're able to do these things perfectly, but if there's no mark of these things in your life, you need to be extremely, you need to back up.

The first one is personal unaided devotion to God. Can you stand on your own without any admonition from father or mother? Can you walk in devotion to God, unaided devotion? You don't need someone else waking you up in the morning to have your quiet time.

You don't need someone else to have you pray or to go to church or this or that, because you are going to have to stand on your own by yourself. Can you do that? And a perfect example is King Joash in the Bible.

And I want you to look when he was under a godly authority figure, he walked with God. But when that authority figure was no more in his life, he no longer walked with God. Listen to what the Bible says.

Second Chronicles, 24, 1 and 2, Joash was seven years old when he became king and he reigned 40 years in Jerusalem. And his mother's name was Zebiah from Beersheba. Joash did what was right in the sight of the Lord all the days of Joida the priest.

And he did what was right in the Lord while that priest was over him with authority. Second Chronicles, 24, 17 through 18. But after the death of Joida, the officials of Judah came and bowed down to the king and the king listened to them.

They abandoned the house of the Lord, the God of their fathers, and served the ashram and the idol. So wrath came upon Judah and Jerusalem for this their guilt. And in the end, Joash murders Zechariah, the son of Joida.

This is absolutely amazing. Can you stand on your own as a man alone before God? Now, we all recognize we need the church. We all recognize that we need brothers, sisters in Christ. We need encouragement, even parents.

But listen, if you cannot stand on your own, remember what he told Jeremiah? Jeremiah, if you can't run right now with footmen, how are you going to be able to run in the thickets when horsemen are chasing you?

If you can't walk with God now under the tutelage of your father and your mother, what makes you think you're going to be able to walk with God when you step outside of that family? You're not coming within 10 miles of my daughter.

Marriage for a Godly Heritage

Now, let's go on. Also, there has to be another sign, devotion to God's purpose in the context of the family. A young man has to see the purpose of marriage. It's not to satisfy lust. It's not just to have a relationship with a girl.

It's much greater than that. In Genesis 18, 19, it says, God speaking, for I have chosen him, Abraham, so that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing righteousness and justice so that the Lord may bring upon Abraham what he has spoken about him.

He must he must have come to grips with the idea. I am marrying in order to raise up a godly heritage to the Lord. One of the greatest purposes of my marriage is to is to have children and to dedicate myself to them walking in the commandments of Christ.

How many young men get married with that in mind? Or having prepared themselves to actually be able to do it, then he goes on, Joshua 24, 15, if it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the Lord, choose for yourself today whom you will serve, whether the gods which your father served, which were beyond the river or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living.

But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. It has to be a young man who says for me and my house. This is the whole reason for my house. This is the reason for my marriage. This is the reason for my life to serve the Lord.

This is what we'll do now. You say young man, that's just asking too much of young men. Really, really, I guess each generation, we just need to lower the standard more. Raise our level of success by lowering our expectations.

I guess that's why Jonathan Edwards graduated from Harvard and gave his valedictorian address in Latin when he was 17 years old, just like all the other students. I guess that's why in the history of my country, 15 year old young men led other men into battle and conquered great armies.

Now, 17 year old, 20 year old boys brag about the fact that they scored higher than anyone else in that video game. You want to turn this thing around, you've got to get serious. And it's going to cost.

It's going to cost. Now, also, the young man must have a knowledge and application of Scripture. He's got to be able from the moment he marries, he's got to be able to lead a wife in the Scriptures. He's got to be able to do that.

Now, again, I'm not saying that he has to have the maturity of a 65 year old pastor. Well, he should have the maturity of more than the maturity of some 65 year old pastors. Got to be dedicated to this purpose.

Knowledge of Scripture and Christlike Character

Deuteronomy 17, 18 through 20, now it shall come a pass when he, the king, sits on the throne of his kingdom. He shall write for himself a copy of this law on a scroll in the presence of the Levitical priest.

It shall be with him and he shall read it all the days of his life that he may learn to fear the Lord, his God, by carefully observing all the words of this law and these statutes that his heart may not be lifted up above his countrymen and that he may not turn aside from the commandment to the right or the left so that he and his sons may continue long in his kingdom in the midst of Israel.

You say this has to do with the king. No, it has to do with authority. He must copy the law of God and read it every day of his life. Why? That he may learn to fear the Lord. Do you want your daughter to marry a man who does not fear God?

He may learn to fear the Lord. Now, listen also, that his heart may not be lifted up above his countrymen. A person who has authority, one of the greatest temptations is that his heart be lifted up over the one over whom he has authority, a husband over his wife and children.

His heart is lifted up in pride. He uses his authority to serve himself. He abandons his family. He does the things he wants. He doesn't make his wife a priority. He doesn't make his children a priority.

And why? Because he doesn't fear the Lord. Why doesn't he fear the Lord? Because the Word of God is not in his heart. Another thing, he must have a Christlike character. And this is nowhere greater display than in Galatians 5, 22 through 23.

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control against such things. There is no law. These at least must be marks, not that they must be perfectly developed because they're not even developed in us who are older men.

But my goodness, if he has no sense of what he ought to be like. Should we really entrust a daughter to him? Also, moral fortitude. I'm so tired of men saying, but it's difficult to read my Bible. I'm so tired of men going, yeah, but, you know, I just don't have the discipline to pray.

What on earth have we become? Don't you see some men believe this. They believe that some men study the Bible because it's just their gift and it's easy for them. Or some men pray because it's just easy to pray.

That's what they believe. That is a lie. The men who study the Bible fight to study the Bible. They get up in the morning and they are tired and they do not want to study the Bible. But need drives them.

They know it's not an option. They know they will be a monster if they do not study the Word, if they do not pray. When did we come up with this idea that we only do things that are easy and we delay doing them until they become easy?

As a man doing the things of God, you must fight for everything. You must fight to get up. You must fight to pray. You must fight to read the Word. My dear man, you must fight to love your wife. Fight against everything that tells you not to.

Your fleshly desires, your self-centeredness, even her disobedience screams at you. Don't love her. Don't love her. Don't love her. And you've got to fight to believe God. I will love her. Everything is a fight.

What do you think? How do you think we're going to... Where's the rewards going to come if there's no fight? Onward, Christian soldier. Well, you want to be like our little boys that have been playing soldier and war out there all week?

Just playing soldier like little boys? I really go out and fight. Moral fortitude. First Corinthians 16, 13. The Scriptures are so wise. Look at the wisdom here. Be on the alert. Men, are you on the alert?

Are you on the alert for the temptation that's going to come against you? Are you on the alert for your family standing there in the door looking? Are you on the alert with regard to your children watching over them?

Are you on the alert watching over your wife? Are you on the alert? He says, be on the alert. Stand firm in the faith. Rock solid. Plant your feet. From here I will not move. So help me, God. And then he says, act like men.

That right there is theological proof that men are different than women. He said, act like a man. Act like a man. And this is what's so neat. He says, be strong. And we're not talking about a John Wayne sort of strong or an Arnold Schwarzenegger sort of strong.

We're talking about a man who may in himself be very weak, but he is strong in the Lord and in the power of his might. That's just like one of the reasons why I admire Ray Comfort so much. I don't know if any of you know of him.

And here's why I admire him. I know him and he is an introvert. I have to pin him in a corner just to talk to him. He's very shy. He's very introvert. He's not and he's about this tall. And yet you see him out on the streets taking on bodybuilders this big and telling them the truth to the point where they want to beat his brains out.

I can guarantee he is not strong in Ray Comfort. He is strong in the Lord and in the power of his might. Also, this quote from Jeremiah, moral fortitude. Listen to this, Jeremiah 12, five. If you have run with footmen and they have tired you out, then how can you compete with horses?

If you fall down in the land of peace, how will you do in the thickets of the Jordan when enemies are on top of you? Young man, that's a good question. If you are tired in your Christianity and you can't read the Bible and you can't pray and and you can't really be dedicated to God while you have a mother and father watching over you, then how do you think you're going to do it on your own?

You'll fall down. If you fall down in the land of peace, how do you think you're going to stand when you're the one who has to go to the front door and answer the enemy? You're a young man. If you have a godly father, he's the one that stands in the front door right now, still protecting you.

The moment you think about marriage and you marry, that father's gone. You got your own door and you got to stand there. Let's go on. Another thing, labor and provision. I was talking to Vodie Bachum one day and it was amazing what he told me.

I mean, it just it was amazing. He said, Paul, after I discussed with a young man about his spiritual character, his walk with Christ and everything else, this is my next question. I said, what? He says, I look at that young man and I say this.

Do you delight in God honoring labor? Do you delight in working hard? Because if you do not get out of my house. You know, when I was a young boy standing there of my father and other men of his generation, the World War Two generation, you know what they bragged about?

They bragged about how hard they worked. Remember that they bragged about, I can outwork you. You don't know nothing about work, outwork you with one arm and one leg tied behind my back. They bragged about how hard they can work.

Do you know I hear today men bragging about how hard they don't work and how they can get out of work and how they're not going to work for the man and how they cheat their boss and how they're lazy? It makes me want to vomit.

And that's the kind of people we have raised. Young man, if you just work because you have to, don't come to my house. You are a shame. You must delight in hard work. You were made for hard work. All these men just I'm going to work till I retire.

You don't retire. You may set aside from your job after so many years, but it's only because then you become a slave of Christ to work full time for him. Where are the men with calluses on their hands that even they may be doing construction, they may be welding, driving a truck, whatever.

But to them, they may have a boss that is just one step out of hell, the meanest man on the face of the earth. But they do it unto the Lord and they realize that as they do it unto the Lord, they are pleasing to him and they will be rewarded for their labor.

Hard Work, Diligence, and Provision

Oh, my young man's going to work, work, listen to this. First of all, slothfulness was considered one of the seven deadly sins or cardinal sins or mortal vices, along with gluttony, greed, wrath, envy, pride and other things.

We breed slothfulness among our children. Parent, you listen to me. You got a six year old and you're making his bed. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You mothers picking up underwear, your teenage boys, father, you ought to walk in there and whip those boys with their underwear.

That is pathetic. It is. Look, I mean, just think for a moment. Come outside of your culture and look at yourself. You're going to allow your wife, your princess, your queen. To be picking up the underwear of some 15 year old, it's not going to happen.

I know it happens all the time, but just now that I've said it in this ferocious way that I've said it, does it kind of crack a light to you of how pathetic that is? Your wife is making his bed. I'll make his bed.

And this guy's going to go get married. Young girls, let me just give you an example, something really quick, a little bit of advice. You won't listen to me, but at least on the day of judgment, God will be able to say you were told the truth.

You look at that young man the way he treats his mom. He'll treat you worse. Young man, you look at the way that girl honors her father. Because she will honor you less. And young man, before you marry, you ask her father that unannounced he might lead you up to her room when she's not there.

And if it's a filthy pigsty, I don't care how beautiful she is, you better run because that's what your house is going to look like. And that's what your children are going to look like. Grandparents, grandparents used to talk this way.

That was the wisdom that grandparents used to hand down to their children. Hard work and diligence are greatly honored virtues before God. But laziness is a perilous and destructive vice. Here's a question, young man, are you wise or shameful?

Proverbs 10, 5, he who gathers in the summer is a son who acts wisely. That's a son who works hard and saves, prepares for the future. But he who sleeps in harvest is a son who acts shamefully. Are you diligent?

Proverbs 13, 4, the soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing. Now, that's not really true today because the parents usually give the slugger everything he wants. The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the soul of the diligent is made fat.

Do you follow empty pursuits such as sports and hobbies? Proverbs 28, 19, he who tills his land will have plenty of food, but he who follows empty pursuits will have poverty and plenty. Do you love pleasure?

Proverbs 21, 17, he who loves pleasure will become a poor man, but he who he who loves wine and oil will not become rich, spends his money. I had some young girls one time. A brother was telling me, he said, you know, he's talking to some of the young girls in the church and they said there's just nobody to marry.

And he said to them, and I've done this now since then, he said to them, well, you know, look, there's several young boys in the church. They're reading their Bibles. They're, you know, they seem to be godly.

They go out witnessing. And the girl said, yeah, but they work part time and then they spend their money on on video games and bicycles and motorcycles and boats, trolling motors. Not one of them is saving money to buy a house.

Not one of them is thinking about taking on a bride. They're just little boys running with little boys, even though they read their Bibles. It goes on, are you saving for your future and your children's future?

Proverbs 13, 22, a good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children, and the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous. Do you lead an undisciplined life, young man? Are you disciplined?

Do you have a purpose? Have you marked out your days? Do you consider about wasting time? It says this in 2 Thessalonians 3, 10 through 12, for even when we were with you, we used to give you this order.

If anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat either. For we hear that some among you are leading an undisciplined life, doing no work at all, but acting like busybodies. Now, such persons we command and exhort in the Lord Jesus Christ to work in quiet fashion and eat their own bread.

You know, I was talking about the Mennonites that sold lumber up in Illinois where I used to buy my wood. You know, one of them told me one time he said this. Among us, when a child, when a boy is born until he's six years old, he costs his family.

He is an expense to his family. Between six and 12, he pays for his own way in the work that he does in his family. And when he's 12 and above, he is a profit, an economic profit to his family by the work that he does.

Look how things have changed, 30 years old, still asking dad for money. Now, let's go on. I know you hate me, but let's go. Do you have the proper motives for your labor? Improper motives. And here's one of the greatest improper motives.

Proverbs 23, 4 through 5. Do not weary yourself to gain wealth. Cease from your consideration of it. When you set your eyes on it, it is gone. For wealth certainly makes itself wings like an eagle that flies towards the heavens.

Proper motives for labor to the glory of God. Whatever you do, do your work heartily as for the Lord rather than for men. Colossians 3, 23. To provide for one's family. First Timothy 5, 8. But if anyone does not provide for his own and especially for those of his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Warnings to Girls and Fathers

Now, I know I'm moving through this quickly, but now I want to give a warning to girls and fathers. Do not expect perfection or you will never marry. At the same time, do not ignore these things, girls, you get carried away by your emotion and you neglect the word of God.

You're going to pay for it. And when you come back into my office weeping and crying, I will hurt for you. But there's nothing I can do to help you. There is a sense in which you make your own bed. You have to sleep in it.

You know what the sad thing is? I know that many of you will not listen. You will be foolish and you will be drug away by your emotions. And parents, you will be bent by the cries of your children and you will not obey.

Courtship and Adulthood for Young Women

Now, the win of courtship for a young woman. Now, before we go on to that, let's just look at something. Isn't this so exciting? Let me tell you why. A lot of you have been looking at the disintegration of the family, the disintegration of young couples, divorce and everything else.

And you lament because you say there must be no solution. No one seems to have a solution for any of this. The question is, do you want the solution? It's not going to mean that the world is going to be perfect or there's never going to be problems or anything.

But do you see how obeying some of these principles would go a long way in helping people? Do you realize that girls would obey what I just said? How few of them would fall into horrible marriages with horrible men?

They would be able to spot this. And isn't it amazing that there was a time when the girl had very little say with regard to who she would marry. That a father would go out and choose her husband. Now, that is wrong.

But it is just as wrong. It is just as wrong. Look what we've got now. Prior to this, and I've already said it's wrong, but prior to this, a man would go out. Now, this is a man, let's say he's 45, 50 years old and he's seen it all.

Isn't too many young guys going to fool him? He's seen it. He goes out and he looks for a good man for his daughter. He's not thinking emotionally. He's not believing lies. He's heard all these things before.

He goes out and, man, he picks one and brings that man home to his daughter. Now, I'm not saying that's the way to do it. I just want you to think of the way we do it now. Now, a 16-year-old girl goes out and finds her boy, her man, and brings him home to his daughter.

She brings him home to dad and dad has to accept it. Who's more likely to be deceived? The girl. Now, neither one of those is right. And I'm going to show you in a little while how dad should participate in this.

But dad, that's not the little girl. It's also the little boy. We're going to see that now. The win of courtship for a young woman. The biblical principle is simple and challenging. A young woman may pursue a relationship with the opposite sex only after she has embraced adulthood and its responsibilities.

You know, it's funny, we laugh about women who say, man, when I got married, I couldn't cook anything. I don't see anything funny. The simplest task of home economics is to cook. That tells me you couldn't do anything in anything.

All you could do was romance. That's sad. It's also indictment against us as parents. But of course, we've decided we're not supposed to teach our children. We turn them over to a secular government to do it.

Who not only does not give them knowledge, but most importantly, does not give them character. Listen, homeschooling is not about teaching your children. It's about instilling character in your children through you.