The Leader and His Home — David Smith

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Every Believer Is Called to Lead

You know, as some of us are not in this session right now, some of the men that have been uniquely called to the work of God and commissioned, charged to serve the flock, our tendency would be to think that the leaders are not here, but the fact is that every one of us is a leader and God has called every one of us to lead.

If you're here and you're a husband, God has called you to lead your wife. If you're here and you're a father, God has called you to lead your children. If you're here and you're not married, God has called you to lead where you're working.

He's called you to be an example to your neighbors, to your brethren in the church. There's no one here who can say, I'm just not a leader. The question is, are we good and faithful leaders or are we unfaithful leaders?

And that's a choice that God has given to us. The answer to that question is up to us. Which will it be? In Matthew 9 .35, you can turn there, we'll read a few verses. It says,. And Jesus went about all the cities and villages teaching in their synagogues and preaching the gospel of the kingdom and healing every sickness and every disease among the people.

But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted and were scattered abroad as sheep having no shepherd. Then saith He unto His disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the laborers are few.

Pray ye therefore, the Lord of the harvest, that He will send forth laborers into His harvest. When I hear Jesus in this account, how when He saw the multitude of people, in His heart rose up a picture of sheep scattered and having no shepherd.

He was moved to pray, to appeal to the disciples to pray that God would send forth laborers into this harvest. And I don't believe I'm stretching the picture here by saying that I really believe the great call today is for shepherds.

It's for shepherds in our own homes, brothers. It's for shepherds in the churches. It's for shepherds in the community. God gathers His sheep into flocks. And He sets shepherds over them. He said in Jeremiah 10, 21, we'll read a couple of verses in the book of Jeremiah.

It says,. For the pastors are become brutish and have not sought the Lord. Therefore, they shall not prosper, and all their flocks shall be scattered. In Jeremiah 23, verses 1 -4, He says, Woe be unto the pastors that destroy and scatter the sheep of My pastors, saith the Lord.

Therefore, thus saith the Lord God of Israel against the pastors that feed My people. Ye have scattered My flock and driven them away and have not visited them. Behold, I will visit upon you the evil of your doing, saith the Lord.

And I will gather the remnant of My flock out of all countries, whither I have driven them, and will bring them again to their folds, and they shall be fruitful and increase. And I will set up shepherds over them, which shall feed them.

And they shall fear no more, nor be dismayed, neither shall be lacking, saith the Lord. The scattered sheep of our day and time, of our generation, I really believe are the result of failures in two key areas.

First of all, we must say with trembling, if we think we are among those that have a heart for God's flock, if we say we are among those shepherds that God said He would raise up and give a heart after Him to feed the flock with knowledge and understanding, with trembling we must say that the pastors of God's flock have failed.

And we must dare not think that we are excluded from that condemnation. The call is to us today, brothers, in the church of Jesus Christ, He is calling for faithful shepherds who will not strip the flock and fleece the flock and feed themselves on the flock, but will serve them, will visit them and nourish them.

Fathers Who Have Abandoned Their Shepherding Role

There's also the effect of fathers who have failed to shepherd their families. The cry of this generation of young people is, where is my father? Who is my father? I'll be 41 years old next week. When I was growing up in suburban Detroit, a middle class, blue collar kind of community, among, let's just say, my hundred classmates in the early seventies, I can't think of another boy or girl among my peers that came from a divorced family situation.

Now, there were some that had troubles, but let's just say there were five that I didn't know about. Out of those hundred, the numbers are still so small. And today, it's almost the exception. Well, it's so completely flipped around that the exception now is that you've got the original two parents in their first marriage with all of their own single children.

What has happened so quickly? I believe that the fruit of this is coming on us suddenly and is becoming known suddenly, and it's accelerating. But I believe that the seeds of it go way back when Dad abandoned his place as shepherd in the home.

Brothers, God hasn't just left us to see these things and wonder what's happened. There are answers. I just would desire us to grasp a vision for to be shepherds in our homes. To be shepherds in the flock of God.

Maybe God won't. Maybe God will give you the gift of singleness, brothers. Don't despise that. God can give you the grace and equip you. But as I look at the qualifications of elder and deacon in the New Testament, the clear proving ground, the primary proving ground is in the home.

If he's not qualified by leading his family well, then he's not fit to lead the church of God. It's just that way. Just as another testimony, I as a zealous young man, radically converted at the age of 21, had this concept of what it meant to serve God.

And I thought, well, you go to Bible school and you follow this path and then you take a job as a pastor in a church and that's how it works. Well, God didn't clearly lead me into that. What He did clearly do is He gave me a wife and then in very short order, I had a large family.

Right now, we have 12 children. And it'll be 18 years this year that we've been married. Now, what I just had to stop and realize is that God was preparing me to serve His body as I had settled deep in my heart, was a burden in my heart to serve God.

But what I had to experience over the years that immediately followed that was this sense that I was becoming less and less useful to God. And that somehow, all these things I thought that it took to serve God, you know, a softball coach and ushering and set up and tear down in a port-a-church and all this stuff, home group leading and Sunday school teaching, I don't know if I mentioned that already, but you name it and that's what I thought you had to do to serve God.

Well, what I found out is that I was becoming ineffective in all those things. My family was withering and dying and I was being trained. And I didn't even know it. But God in His wisdom has given the family and that would be the main topic that I want to consider today.

It does express itself wonderfully in a beautiful way in the church. But we're going to consider the leader and his home. And whether you're leading your own family today or not, I just want to ask you to just be attentive and let God speak to your hearts.

I trust that it will be for His glory and the building up of His body. But let's ask ourselves this question, men, in developing a vision. What kind of home do you want? What do you want it to look like?

What do you want it to feel like? What do you want it to smell like? What do you want people to sense when they walk into your home? I was talking to somebody and they were experiencing difficulties in their home.

A Unified Home Centered on Christ

There had been years of turmoil. And I shared with them that my vision while he and his wife were together, and I shared with them my vision was for them to be a radiant couple, that the fire of love would be burning in their hearts together, that their children would be content and joyful, and that there'd be a sweetness in their children's lives and all these sorts of things, painting this picture of joy and beauty and rest clearly centered on the Lord Jesus Christ, with Him reigning as Lord, and Him being the union that binds He and His wife and their children together.

And as I shared this vision with them that I wanted them to see it and believe that it was possible, I asked them, are you willing to be a unified couple? And the answer came back, well, of course I am.

That's an obvious question. The answer to that is obvious. Who doesn't want to have a happy life? And I said, that's not what I asked you. I didn't ask him if he wanted a happy life. I asked him if he wanted a unified family.

Unified in the Lord Jesus Christ. I had told them that the only way to that was absolute surrender, dying to His own will, dying to His own rights. The fact, our brothers, that our choices have proven that we are willing to settle for less than full surrender to the Lord Jesus Christ.

Because we've been pursuing a happy life. Amen? But there's no such thing as fullness outside of Christ. So my call is not to just paint a picture or set a vision before us of a happy life or of a joy-filled home.

It's a picture of death to you and me and to all of our own ambitions and our own dreams and just taking up the cross of Christ in our homes. Of bringing the glory of God and the grace of God, which He only gives to the humble, to the destitute.

He gives strength to the faint. This is a call for weakness, brothers. But it's a call to strengthen God. That's what I want to offer to us today is to pursue a vision of Christ in our homes. Of being the Lord Jesus Christ to our families.

Of being a fountain of His life to our wives. A fountain of blessing and grace and peace and life to our children. And there's only one way that can come. And that's through you and me nailing ourselves to the cross daily.

Taking that up. Considering ourselves as wretched and undone. And seeing ourselves as God sees us. Oh, but therein is the pathway to life. Glory to God. So the question again is, what kind of home do I want?

Of course we want a happy home. We want a happy life. God made us that way. He put those desires in us. He's made us to respond to pleasure. But there's only one way that is sanctioned by God to the fulfilling of that.

So the question is, how badly do we want it? Do we really want it to the point where we're willing to pay the price and come to God on His terms? So, in Psalm 128, we can look there. We'll spend a little bit of time here.

The Fear of God and the Blessing of the Household

And the painful truth of it, brothers, is today we do have the life we want. We do. Our lives today. I know there are circumstances that have beset us that have been outside of our control. I acknowledge that.

Some of them have been very difficult. But today we have the chance to respond in faith and find ourselves right in the center of God's will today. And today, our life is the product of our own choices and our own responses to the choices we haven't been given.

The choices that God has just determined. Where we're going to live. Who our parents are. And you can even set yourself out a mark five years from now. And with certainty, I can tell you, you'll be right where you want to be in five years from now.

By the grace of God. We won't be able to blame our circumstances or blame God or any other thing like that. But as we set this vision before us of what we want our home to be like, and we walk by faith in the grace of God, and we die to ourselves daily, and we nurture and we plow and we sow those seeds, and we build and we labor and we fight and we pray, we're going to be where we want to be in five years.

Glory to God. And God can get glory out of that if our hearts are right. In Psalm 128, it reads, Blessed is everyone that fears the Lord, that walketh in His ways. For thou shalt eat the labor of thine hands.

Happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee. Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house. Thy children like olive plants round about thy table. Behold, that thus, in these ways, by these evidences, thus shall the man be blessed that fears the Lord.

What a beautiful picture. The promise with certainty. If we fear God, we can count on this sort of fruit. We can count on being blessed if we fear God. We can count on eating the labor of our hands. We can count on it being well with us.

We can count on our wives being fruitful and our children like olive plants if we fear God. But it's a very, very serious condition that He sets before that fulfillment. Do we fear God? Brothers, when our wives are insecure, when they're worrisome, when our children's countenances are droopy and they're fighting with each other and they're squabbling and there's contention in our homes, when we're laboring and we're laboring and we're laboring and it seems like we're getting further and further behind and we're not eating the fruit of our hands and it's not going well with us, what's it telling us?

We don't fear God. Thank you. Let's just be honest. We don't fear God. I recognize the place of free will that our wives are accountable for their own choices and all those things, brothers. But a husband, by definition, what's a husbandman?

A gardener, right? Our wives are the product of our tending. Brothers, let's just take responsibility for that. And this says, I'm not going to argue with God that our wives will be fruitful. And I'm not just talking about children.

I'm talking about spiritually issuing forth life. The fruit of joy and peace and wisdom. Fruitfulness in the fullest sense. There are many wives, I've seen them, with a row of children that look beaten down and burdened and have that fearful look in their faces.

Who are insecure in their husband's love. Who see their children as a burden. Who face each day with hopelessness and their bodies are just a reflection of their souls and they're weakening and they're breaking.

Brothers, do we fear God or not? Do we look at that and say, what's her problem? Do we look at our wives and condemn them because of their weak faith? Brothers, or do we say, Oh God, do I fear You? Do I see my wife as a reflection of my tending?

Do I see my children as a reflection of my raising of them? Do we or not? If we don't, we will never get ahead. We will never make any progress. And it's proof positive. It's the evidence crying out against us that we do not fear God.

Humility Versus Condemnation in the Home

It's on my heart right now. This was going to be the last thing I was going to leave us with, but I'm going to leave it with you right now. Or give it to you right now. This conference, or those godly home tapes, or those head covering tapes, or whatever it is, they can be such a tremendous blessing.

They can be a tool that God gives to us to bring much glory to His name and much blessedness to our homes. Or they can be the scourge of our families. If we get a hold of this stuff and bring it home and say, here, look where we need to be.

And say, you need to change. You need to put dresses on. You know, my wife did not wear dresses until not that long ago. And some of your wives might not be wearing dresses. I don't know. But it doesn't matter a stitch.

If we're coming at our wives with condemnation and oppression and a whip, the key to us bringing this home as a fountain of life or bringing it home as a scourge of death is brokenness and humility. Will we take responsibility for all of these things?

Will we say, God, if my home is not in order, it's not my wife's fault. It's not my children's fault. It's me. So, brethren, there is a way. And I've seen this. And some of you might be able to too. That a wife...

I've had wives tell me. At least one that comes to my mind. And the husband agreed. That things started to go downhill in their home when they got a hold of the godly home tape set. But it's not the fact that there was information in there that's inherently going to produce that kind of fruit.

See, the problem is pride. If we don't start with us and say, I am the problem here, then we come with this load. And we have that accusing finger. And then we get into self-pity when they don't shape up.

And when things don't go the way we want, what's still lacking in all this? It's the fear of God, brothers. Do we really see ourselves in light of this glorious picture? Do we see ourselves in light of this glorious Gospel?

And all these beautiful promises that He gives for the home. Oh, they're beautiful, aren't they? Oh, they're beautiful. A fruitful wife. Children like plants. Oh, it's beautiful. But it's not cheap. It's going to cost us everything we have, especially our pride.

Especially our pride. Let's consider for a few minutes what it means to fear God. And in this picture of this carnal man's response to these beautiful things and these convictions, you're going to see part of what might look like or is part of the fear of God.

Let's just, for example, put ourselves in that place. Maybe we've been there. Maybe it's not that far of a stretch. Maybe it's us right now. But we get a hold of these convictions. Praise God. I believe 1 Corinthians 11 is just saying what it's saying.

And I'm going to obey it because I fear God. And all these different other things. Obedient children. God wants children to obey their parents. And He wants us to discipline our children, doesn't He? These are right things in Psalm 130.

V. 3, it says, If thou, Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? There we stand in front of these truths. And we say, Oh, God, You're right. Oh, and I've failed. And I need to shape these things up.

But it goes on to say, So, the fact of just knowing these things and even acknowledging them does not necessarily mean we fear God. There are many people out there that are walking around condemned and defeated and issuing forth death wherever they go in their self-righteous holiness.

And they know the truth, but they're not bowing their hearts to it. They're not saying, Oh, woe is me first. And the effect is death. But look what it says in v. 4. Now, we can see in v. 3 of Psalm 130 that sense of, Oh, God, You are holy.

Who can stand in the face of You? But there is forgiveness with Thee that Thou mayest be feared. Do you notice the writer here says that the fear of God comes not when we stand simply in view of His holiness and our iniquities.

We can come face to face with those things and still not be in the fear of God because our pride will keep us from humbling ourselves in the face of it. Just knowing it's not humility, brothers. It's when we see, Oh, God.

God, forgive me. And by faith, we receive His grace. By faith, we receive forgiveness. You know, when Jesus was in the home of that Pharisee and that sinner woman came in and started pouring out that extravagant display of love on Him, what did the Pharisee say?

Well, if He knew who she was, He wouldn't let her do that. He went on to say He gave the story of two men that owed a sum of money, one very little and one great. He said, the man who was owed the money just frankly forgave them both.

He said, who would love Him more? The Pharisee said, well, the one who is forgiven more. And that's what he said. He who is forgiven much, the same loves much. If we really know the forgiveness of God, if we really know it in view of His holiness, and we humble ourselves and say, Oh, God.

God, forgive me. Do you think that woman who was forgiven so much went on her way to live a self-centered, self-gratifying life of indulgence the way she had up until then? I think not. It's when we bring together the conviction and the holiness of God with repentance and forgiveness, it says by mercy and truth, iniquity is purged in Proverbs 16.

And by the fear of the Lord. When our iniquities are purged, to really know that your sins are forgiven does not give you and me a license to sin. At all. It grips us. If we really experience it, it grips us like this, that we cannot do the things that we would.

Because we fear God. Because we've been forgiven. We've seen this mountain of sin. We've seen the wreckage in our homes that we have produced living for ourselves. And oh, God, it's gripped us. And we've seen a vision for what God wants.

And we say, oh, God, forgive me. Oh, God, I will fear You. I will walk in Your ways, whatever it costs me. Oh, and the burden lifts and hope is lit in our hearts that I will serve God. And I will be a faithful husband by the grace of God.

And I will love my children. And I will walk in the fear of God. But it does not come without humility. It does not. I want to make this very practical. Brothers, we must be a continual fountain of life in our homes.

Communication, Affection, and a Climate of Love

Our wives, oh, brothers, don't we want their faces to light up when we come home? Don't we love the picture of those children pouring out of the house, climbing on our lap in the car? We can't even get up the driveway because they're crowding on us and telling us all these wonderful things that happened in their day.

Oh, brothers, isn't it beautiful? How bad do we want it? Are we willing to humble ourselves before our wives and admit how we failed? Are we willing to take responsibility for our self-pity and our selfishness in so many ways?

Oh, brothers, it's worth it. It's painful, but it's worth it. I would like to lift up right up there among the highest of goals that are a part of this vision is that we would seek to settle for nothing less than a climate in our homes of love and of peace and of harmony and of goodwill, of trust, of humility.

The climate in the home. You can homeschool. You can discipline. You can do all these things which are good in their place, but if it's done in a spirit of tension and ill will and all this stuff, it's just going to embitter those children and embitter your wife and set the life right out of there.

How does this work in our lives? Sometimes I work away from home and I just want to speak to you brothers out there who there are some of you. One of the things, one of the components that oftentimes is set forth as part of this vision is dad working at home.

How many of you think that's a good thing? Hey, man, I think it is. How many of you don't have that as part of your experience right now? That's me too. For years, I have just... Oh, but you know my own choices have laden me with a burden right now in that area.

And God in His sovereignty has seen fit to leave me in it for this time. And I have sought Him and we are seeking Him as a family, but I have just purposed that that is not going to hinder me from being a fountain of life to my family.

I am convinced that I am in the center of God's will right now. Now I'm looking beyond this and I'm looking for more and better. But right now, this is where I am and I'm not going to fall into despair because it's not exactly the way I would want it to be.

But sometimes I call home. And it's happening less and less and less. That's a good thing. But I call home and I can just tell things are not going well. You know, now my oldest three children are converted and what a difference that makes.

You know, and they were all good children. You know, reasonably compliant. But the facts are that children are in the flesh until they're converted. And you inject all that flesh in a small little house and all the tension that goes along and all it takes is one and it's like, you know, popcorn popping, you know, and just, before you know it, it's a brush fire out of control.

And then I call home and sometimes you can just tell that Mama is being tried. And, where was I going with this? Oh, but anyway. Okay, how do we deal with this? You know what you do? You stop the homeschooling.

You let the chores go. And you get on your knees and you call on God. And you tell your wives, say, Mama, stop everything. And you just get on your faces before God and you get everybody together and you say, look, do we see what's happening?

Oh God, and we just stop it until the sweetness is restored. And oh, you know, it's amazing what you can get done then. And all these things you think you've got to do. Oh, we put ourselves under so many burdens I think that God would just want to free us from.

But let this be a burden on our hearts that we will not settle for anything less than love in our homes. Whatever it costs. And I don't know how many... My testimony, if it's anything, it's the mercy of God.

It's the mercifulness of my children. And brothers, I want to encourage you to cast yourself on the mercy of your families when you get home. I don't care if you feel like you've been doing good. Just say, oh, my little family.

Oh, Papa has failed you. Will you please have mercy upon me and forgive me? I love God. I am seeking God. I need your help. We've come short of God's glory in our home. Oh, and you can name the ways. Oh, brothers, what beauty there is in just flopping out there before your families and with your families before God.

And you'll find the grace of God blossoming. And you know, with a large family, and you know, I work a full day and many of you, you know, you do too. How much time do you have? You don't have enough time.

If you're working away and you've got a row of children, you won't be able to give them all the time you would want to and that you might think they need. But more than anything, they need God in your homes.

They need God flowing out of you. They need to be pointed in hope to God. They need to be ushered into the presence of God where there is fullness of joy, where they can commune with the Father, where there's sweetness between each other.

And you know, now the Scripture also says to the shepherds, let's look in Proverbs, I think it's chapter 27. I want this to be practical. Verse 23, it says, Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks and look well to thy herds.

Now brothers, when we get home, I want us to have this kind of... How many of you are herdsmen here? Anybody a herdsman? I mean, you know that you must be observant. You must know those animals. And if you see anything that's not quite exactly right, you key in on that one.

And you find out what's going on. You take its temperature. You see how much it's eating or whatever it is. I'm not a real herdsman. But I have a flock and I am keenly attuned to this. That when I come home, I am...

You might observe that. I don't know. But I am almost constantly, when my children are walking by, I'm touching them. I'm talking to them. I'm looking for the... Is there a sparkle in their eye? I am watching and I am watching and I am watching.

And there are many late nights because I've got to stay up with one and talk. We've got to pray something through or they're having a struggle. Whatever. But we must be attentive to the state of our families.

And if our hearts are broken before God, whatever hours He gives us with them, we use to His glory and we make the most of them. We pray, God, if there's one of my little ones, if my wife is laboring and struggling, we need to devote special attention to that, to that one that's struggling.

Relational Communication and Spiritual Leadership

So, communication. The topic was the leader and his relationships. You know, there's no relationship without communication. But even those little things, you know? You can be walking from one end of the house to the other to go out the door and along the way, you've got little children.

You can touch them. You can communicate to them. You can pat them on the bottom, you know, when they're bending over to tie their shoes. I mean, whatever. You know, just love them in word and in deed, continuously.

It will bear fruit. It does. I am not going to ask for a show of hands, but I know there are many of you out here who have never heard your father tell you that he loved you. Now, he might say, well, you know I loved you.

I gave you, you know, good food to eat and sent you to school or all these things, taught you how to work. I don't want to take anything away from that, but brothers, we must have more than that. Does God give us more than just that?

I mean, He gives the unbelievers those things, doesn't He? What does He give to His children? His Spirit in them. Crying, Oh, brothers, we need to be that Father before our children and to them. Oh, we must.

To our wives. Adam failed to protect his wife through his own passivity. Men, we must take responsibility. We must be leaders. We must face the tendency in our own lives to just let things go, let things happen the way they're going to happen.

That's part of the curse, brothers, and it's only by the grace of God that we will rise up above that. It's our natural inclination. The other side of the curse is that we would rule with tyranny and harshness.

Barking out orders. Demanding. Well, that's not reflecting God either. We need to be cleansing our wives, purifying and encouraging them, teaching them, discipling them. To present them without spot or wrinkle.

Does it sound like a picture of Christ and His church? Isn't that what Jesus is doing for each one of His own? You know, Jesus has taken responsibility for our sanctification. He has. Faithful is He who calleth you who also will what?

Do it. Are we cultivating our wives' spiritual life, nurturing them and leading them toward God in purity and in holiness? Or are we hindering them and defiling them with anger or lust or bitterness? Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them.

We're defiling them when we're bringing those influences into the home. Are we making it easy and pleasant for them to submit to our leadership? Are they resting under the shade of our tree, brethren?

Rejecting Hypocrisy and Discipling Children

Oh, they must be. Hypocrisy and unreality. You know, most of us here are here because we're taking this matter of the Christian life seriously. But I'm pretty well convinced that there is nothing that will embitter a wife or children more than hypocrisy.

And the more we know... You know, have you ever felt this sense that, well, maybe I'd just be better off not being accountable for all this information. You know, you're going to be accountable. You and I are accountable after this week, aren't we?

How many of you are about like this now? Yeah, I understand. But there's no safety in ignorance, brethren. So let's just face it and humble ourselves. You know, God can even... I've already heard a couple people this week say, I don't want to be a hypocrite.

Well, amen. Can God deliver someone from hypocrisy? Amen. Believe it. Be willing to believe that as you come into the light, God will expose you. Will we just yield to it as the real key? Let's just determine by faith, God, whatever it costs me, make me real in my home and in our churches.

Because their souls are at stake. What an awesome charge it is to be a husband and to be a father. To our children... By the way, what time does this session end? 2 .50. Thank you. Concerning our children, let me just back up again.

I've got a few more practical sorts of things. Men, never, ever, ever, ever complain about your wife to somebody else. Never, ever, ever be sarcastic to your wife. Never complain about her cooking. Never complain about her ironing.

Now, you might need to guide the home. I mean, if you're responsible for an orderly home and the condition of things and the reason when there's admonition and guidance needed, well, give it in love. Amen?

But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a sarcasm rooted in pride and despising of them. Brethren, put it away. Let's put it away. For our children, the Bible says to us fathers, provoke not your children to wrath.

And I know there are many that are here today that are struggling with anger and bitterness because of the homes they grew up in. You know what this is talking about. How tragic that the very thing we determine earnestly in our hearts, it won't be so in my home.

It won't be so in my home. We will have a happy home. Lo and behold, we wind up repeating the very same thing. Why? Because of bitterness in our own hearts. We have not been able to take our eyes off of that thing.

Even as much as we've hated it, we've still kept our eyes on it. And lo and behold, as the brother said, we become like that which we fix our gaze upon. Most of us here, we can extend it to the church situation, most of us here have come from a particular religious background or something like that.