Myths About Marriage: First Dates Are A Big Deal

Myths About First Dates and Why They Shouldn’t Be a Big Deal

Every every month we go through a myth on marriage. This month's myth is that first dates are a big deal. Okay, the myth is that first dates are a big deal. Fact. First dates are normal. They're not a big deal.

All right, so. All right. Yeah, well I know I know I talked to a lot of you all. I know you a lot of you all treat first dates. Like a big deal, right? You're not willing to ask people out if you're a guy.

You're not willing to say yes to guys if you're a lady. Right, you need to make some kind of judgment at the end. You feel a lot of pressure and you got to give a report back to the other person and tell them why you're not gonna Be talking to them again, etc, etc, and you're just wrecked with anxiety about the whole situation.

Is this how it ought to be now? I went and I looked Through the DSM 5 if you're familiar with that trying to look for this social disorder. Couldn't find it. So I'm just gonna name it myself. All right first date big deal ism, all right.

FD BD. Okay, so I know a lot of you have FD BD. So we're gonna talk about the causes of it and the cures for it. But before that, I just want to talk about some objections to it. So to be clear when I'm talking about this, I'm not necessarily talking about How first date should happen right a lot of people have opinions on whether or not you should have first dates.

In a public space in a private space and you know with groups without groups that kind of thing. I'm not really talking about all that. I'm just saying that you should take advantage of the opportunities that you have.

To meet brothers and sisters in Christ who could be prospects for marriage. All right. So first the objections now these objections come in three categories. Okay intentionality protection and efficiency.

All right. So intentionality a lot of people will say well isn't the problem that I always hear about in church is about dating. Culture that you need to be more intentional and that dating is just going around dating.

Everybody is not very intentional. Well, yes, you should be intentional. But what's your intention is your intention to get married. Proverbs 18 22 says he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.

So if that's your intention to find a good thing. You're not going to find that by avoiding all the opportunities that you get you're not going to find it by hiding away. Proverbs 18 1 says whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire he breaks out against all sound judgment, but a lot of people think that this is the wise thing you hide away and you wait for someone to find you because that's Trusting God, you know, God will bring someone if he wants someone for you just hide away and he'll make it happen.

That's not how you treat anything else in life. That's not how you should treat marriage. It's the next one is protection right? A lot of people say well, you should guard your heart. Don't you need to be careful about you know, not getting entangled with too many people the opposite sex.

Proverbs 4 23 says keep your heart with all vigilance for from it flow the springs of life so this is on a lot of people's mind shouldn't you be guarding your heart and not going around and You know willy-nilly on every kind of date someone asks you to.

I would argue that having an approach that doesn't treat first dates as a big deal is Guarding your heart and that treating them as a big deal is failing to guard your heart. Which person is guarding their heart the one who says I'm gonna treat this sister like a sister and not make this a big deal.

I'm gonna treat this brother like a brother and not make this a big deal or. The one who says I'm gonna wait for the knight in shining armor get really emotionally invested In this first date and then go on it.

Which one is really guarding your heart, okay? It's not the latter, but that's what people act like a lot of times. Sometimes so. So yeah when I was a when I was a kid my parents would. We never went out to eat not very often.

But when we did go out for some kind of big event for a birthday or something it was always seafood. We would always get king crab and so my thought was This must be just the fanciest kind of meal that you could have king crab because we only had it.

You know a couple of times a year at really big events, right? And I I just had this ridiculous idea of how fancy king crab was and it's really not that not that big of a deal. But I think it's gonna go better if there's less there's less interruptions.

I appreciate the attempt at engagement. Yeah, yeah, but we'll have a lot of time for discussion later. All right, so. Yeah, a lot of people say well, what about the other person, okay? Maybe I'm not investing a lot emotionally into this but everybody else takes that approach to dating.

So shouldn't I be cautious about? Not making sure that shouldn't I be cautious to make sure that their heart is guarded by not Treating the state like it's not a big deal. I think you should normalize what's normal.

Okay, don't don't prop up this culture of Treating sisters not like sisters right treating brothers not like brothers. Instead normalize what's normal if you want to you can make it the topic of conversation, you know.

Thanks for accepting my invite. A lot of people make this a more anxious thing than it needs to be etc. All right. Next objection is efficiency, right? A lot of people say well, I already know how this is gonna go.

Why should I go on this date? A lot of people make assumptions, right? They're making assumptions about someone else's character. But the Bible says in Proverbs 18 13 if one gives an answer before he hears it is his folly and shame.

All right, don't make assumptions about who someone is before you really get to know them and. Then a lot of people will make assumptions about whether or not this would be a good candidate for marriage just based on their looks.

First Samuel 16 7 says man looks on the outward appearance. But the Lord looks on the heart. Proverbs 31 30 says charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

It's not to say that beauty is nothing. But it is to say that a lot of people are over invested in the idea that they can tell whether or not someone's going To be a good marriage partner just based on the way they look and it's often not true.

Root Causes of First-Date Big-Deal-ism

Okay, so what's? What's at the root of all of this? I'm gonna give you three things that are root causes of FDBD. Okay root causes of FDBD. Ignorance. Ignorance of what marriage is. Hebrews 13 4 says let marriage be held in honor among all okay?

You're supposed to hold marriage in honor now a lot of people think that means a very limited set of things, okay? That means no committing adultery. You know etc. But if you have a whole gradient of things that come up next to marriage of emotional attachments Etc is that really holding marriage in honor and I could make an analogy to idolatry, right?

Let's say God says he's He is the greatest of all gods right he is Lord of Lords. He is King Kings now. Would he be satisfied as you you said okay? Well, I'm gonna bow down to idols. But I'm always gonna treat God as highest among those and these other things are gonna come second.

That wouldn't be sufficiently honoring him. Marriage works the same way, okay? Marriage is not just the greatest on this spectrum of romantic relationships. It's the only kind of legitimate claim one person has to another and so what happens happening a lot of times.

Is that people are imagining that there's this whole gradient that you go up on your way to marriage? Now certainly there's a fondness that can develop and that kind of thing right, but if you are Romantically emotionally invested in someone in a way beyond what scripture would commend and would make exclusive to marriage.

That's what's driving a lot of this first date big deal ism right what's driving it is a misunderstanding of what marriage is and a Misunderstanding of how it is to be kept in honor by being very distinct from other Relationships as opposed to just one higher step on a train.

Right we are to treat sisters as sisters prior to marriage brothers as brothers and A lot of people are imagining that there are you know their sister plus and sister plus plus etc. All right, the next cause is presumption.

A lot of people are presumptuous. James 4 13 through 16 says come now you who say today or tomorrow We will go into such-and-such city spend a year there and trade and make a profit. You do not know what tomorrow will bring for what is your life?

You are missed that peers for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say if the Lord wills we will do this or that as it is you boast in your arrogance. This is what a lot of people are doing when they say.

They already know how this is going to turn out. They're saying I already know what God is going to do. I'm not going to consider the options that he has put before me because I already understand them.

Proverbs 16 9 says the heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. I'm not saying there's never a place for saying no to someone who asked you out. I'm not saying there's never a place for having some kind of you know standards etc, but but Where are those coming from.

A lot of times they are coming from a place of presumption and you need to Investigate your own heart see whether or not you're assuming what the Lord has in plan. Last fear and anxiety. Okay, people are afraid they're afraid of rejection.

You know, what if I ask this person out and they say no what if I go out with this person they say no right fear just about What tomorrow may bring a lot of people are Analyzing the question of whether or not they should go out with someone on a first date like they're analyzing the question about marriage.

It's interesting how I but yeah I've had a number of conversations with people where in Talking to them about whether or not they should ask someone out or say yes to someone about a first date. Their thinking is basically the same standards that they would have for marrying someone, right?

Oh, well, this person doesn't seem to. I don't think they you know meet these particular standards. Well. You don't know until you speak to them. You don't. You don't know how they might change how God might use you in conversation with them, etc.

Right, don't don't be presumptuous and don't yeah, there's no need to borrow trouble from tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself sufficient for the day is its own trouble and Then there are a lot of people who are afraid not just that it won't work out a Lot of people are afraid that it will work out.

I've seen this a number of times, right? Someone is really afraid That God is going to bless this particular interaction and this person does not meet the standards that they were hoping to find. Right.

This guy is 5 '11. He's shy of six feet, right? Someone's afraid that God's gonna bless that or a guy, you know. This woman is not quite as beautiful as I was hoping for and I'm really afraid that if I get to know her God's going To bless this a lot of people and this is real.

A lot of people are afraid of that. Don't be afraid. Don't be anxious. Just trust the Lord trust the Lord to leave you. And so what do you do? You should adjust right? Men lower your standards for what you would consider for a first date and I think this especially applies to men in a lot of ways.

If you are to be a spiritual leader There is less place for you. Expecting a woman to already have everything together in all senses, right? A lot of people expect what I would call a pre-loved woman, right?

They don't want to actually have to do any work of leading you look at Christ and the bride and the church, right? He did not find someone who is perfect he instead was a spiritual leader for the church and they He brought her up with him so it applies particularly to men.

But it's true for women too when guys ask you out lower your standards for what you would say yes to okay. I'm not saying there's never a place to say no. But I am saying that a lot of people are because of presumption because of fear and anxiety.

Because not understanding what marriage is right? They're saying no making first dates way bigger deal than they need to be. You know if your brother Asked to spend time with you. Would you say no right brothers and sisters or brothers and sisters?

It's not a big deal. All right, and you should approach this all without presumption. You shouldn't be over reading every situation over reading Someone's body language, etc. Take things a little more at face value and do so confidently do so without anxiety and I hesitate to say Prayerfully.

The reason I hesitate to say prayerfully is because a lot of people Use prayer as a proxy for anxiety rather than a cure for anxiety. Right instead of just not treating like this like a big deal. They say well I need to pray about this and I need to pray about this means I need to get really worked up and emotional about this.

And avoid it at all costs because I'm so afraid of it, right? So do pray, but don't use prayer as an excuse for inaction. Okay prayer shouldn't be used as an excuse for inaction and There's no reason even so even though When I'm saying this shouldn't be a big deal because brothers and sisters that doesn't mean it can't be enjoyable.

It doesn't mean it has to be all business and just plain interrogation of each other. Right where you're just checking boxes, etc. Right? It can be it can be enjoyable to get to know someone else so approach it with that mindset as well and Remember that there doesn't have to be any fear any anxiety because God loves you.

He is caring for you. If he cares for the birds of the air and the flowers of field, how much more does he care for you? He sent his own son who died for us and gave his life for us and He cares about you in this particular way of having given all of humanity the gift of marriage but in a particular way having blessed his church with a deeper understanding of what marriage is so that you can Fully enjoy that blessing in a greater way than even the world can.

Okay, this is what God has done for his church. There's no reason for anxiety. He loves you. There's no reason for anxiety if he has given us his son, how much more will he give us all things? Amen. Let me go ahead and pray for us.

Dear Holy Father pray that you would bless this evening that you would bless our discussion together. I ask that you would help us to think rightly about the world that you've created and the Opportunities that you've given us for marriage in Jesus name.

Amen. A.

Anxiety Over First Dates and Trusting God

Question about inside. Yeah, I guess growing up it I grew up in a very sheltered way and kind of an outcast or kind of sheltered from the world you could say and That's one of my biggest things is like anxiety.

I just like well, what if it doesn't go the way I Want it to go or what. Like what if she says no or it doesn't work out or it doesn't go as planned. What if I don't? Meet the standards that I should for being a man.

It's kind of a lot of my fears. So, I didn't know it's there like are there any pointers to get over that or I.

Mean scripture says a lot about anxiety and a lot of different places. But I think one of the best best places really the end of Matthew 6 the second half of Matthew 6 just all about anxiety. Think if people Spend some time there, you know a lot of times people Clinical eyes their anxiety in a way that they don't think that it needs to be addressed by scripture, but really it's.

It is a matter of the heart. Matthew 6 25 through 34. That's the passage. It starts off. Therefore I tell you do not be anxious about your life what you will eat what you will drink Etc and then ends with therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.

Talks about God's love how he cares for this us. These are truths that you can know in a Intellectual sense and be able to write down the correct answer. But God has created us in a way where we need to be reminded of these truths.

We're not so intelligent that that truth just plays out into our actions just by Assenting to it, right? You have to remind yourself of these things constantly. So it takes a lot of time spent in the word meditating on the truth.

That's why we're supposed to meditate on the word. So I think that's really that really is one of the cures. But if you wanted to go deeper with yourself, you could ask you could try to write down a list of what things am I anxious?

About why shouldn't I be anxious about those? How does God care about me and I think in doing that exercise of really trying to work through it. You'll embrace the truth more. Yeah, no reason to be afraid of man because yeah, what can man do?

God is much greater.

The Gospel of John, the Synoptics, and Jesus Praying for His Disciples

Okay, so I started reading John St. John gospel and now I'm on chapter 17, I think I don't know. I don't really have a directed question I'm just grateful that I'm. I'm reading it now for the first time and I'm able to compare it to Like Matthew, which I've read entirely.

Maybe you could discuss some of the differences or some of the similarities and the the beauties between the different Gospels.

Like Matthew and John sure, so Matthew Mark and Luke are called the synoptics because they give different views of the same thing John written a little later Describes a lot of other things that those Gospels didn't.

He's not trying to duplicate what they wrote about. So yeah, John 17 John 17 is one of those unique places just to point out. One thing in John 17 that I think a lot of people don't give a whole lot of thought.

He says Here in verse 9 of John 17, I'm praying for them speaking of his disciples I'm not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me for they are yours. Now that's an interesting statement that he's not praying for the world, but he's praying particularly for his disciples.

A lot of people's view of God's love is something that's you could call it peanut butter peanut butter love. It's spread out. Finely right so that it's it's kind of the same for every individual. There's a special way.

God loves his people. You know the high priest as he is making a sacrifice particularly for the people of Israel. He is praying particularly for those people. And so Jesus is making sacrifice particularly for his people.

He's praying particularly for them and it really goes against a lot of the ideas that people have about, you know God's peanut butter love just evenly spread over. Over everyone clearly he loves his people more than he loves the demons, right?

There's a lot of obvious things then you look through Scripture and you see. The way it speaks of his love his hate and you realize there's something really special about being a child of God. That's worth more appreciation than yeah regarding his love as being something that's Just even for everyone right you go back to the theme of marriage a man is supposed to love his wife in a particular way.

Even if he loves others loves his wife in a particular way. Christ loves the church in a particular way. That is beyond his love for the world.

The Kingdom Suffering Violence and John the Baptist in Prison

Yeah, so Matthew 11 12 talks about taking the kingdom by force. And can you please please explain that to me? Yeah, let's look there. See Matthew 11 12. Yeah, Matthew 11 12.

Oops wrong chapter page stuck together. All right. Verse 11. I'll start with truly true. I say to you among those born of women. There is arisen. No one greater than John the Baptist. Yet the one who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.

From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven has suffered violence and the violent take it by force. For all the prophets and the law prophesied until John if you are willing to accept it.

He is Elijah who is to come. He was ears to hear. Let him hear. I would have to review this to be super certain but it does remind me of a passage in Luke that also speaks of People taking the kingdom by force and the idea being that others are pushing them out.

Right, and if you consider all the prophets and how the prophets were always opposed. What is the context of this passage. Right the context of this passage is that John has sent his disciples from prison.

Right. John is being opposed by powers. That be and there's a whole question of is this the kingdom, you know, etc and so that that idea that. Okay, you might be expecting Jesus to come and in power not be opposed.

But it's always been the case with the prophets that they are opposed. Right, and that's the case with John and it's the case with Jesus, too. So I think he's just pointing that out that this is continuing a pattern that exists.

You shouldn't be surprised because think about especially the question that John is asking Jesus. He's sending his disciples and he asks him. Are you the one who is to come or shall we look for another?

Jesus answered go and tell John what you hear and see the blind receive their sight and the lame walk. Lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear the dead are raised up the poor have the good news preached to them.

To preach to them and blessed is the one who is not offended by me. So he quotes Isaiah and he says the blind are receiving their sight the lame are walking the lepers are cleansed the deaf hear. What is what else does that passage say in Isaiah?

Those who are in bondage are released the prisoners released. Where's John he's in prison. He's wondering is Isaiah being fulfilled or not. You know, why am I in prison and Jesus is answering know that this is being fulfilled.

It is fulfilled. But it will always be the case that there is opposition until that final day.