(The Foundation and the Building) a 'Very Good' Marriage — Zac Poonen

Let's just look to the Lord in prayer before we begin. Our Heavenly Father, every good and perfect gift comes from You. And there is nothing we can produce that will ever be good or perfect. We pray that Your presence by Your Spirit will be here.

You will speak to us according to our need this evening. There are needs here which are known and unknown. We pray You will speak to all of our hearts. In Jesus' name, Amen. I want to show you something very interesting in the very first page of the Bible.

God's “Very Good” Design for Marriage

Now if you are a Christian, I am sure you would have read the first chapter of the Bible even if you didn't go very far in the Bible, you would have read the first chapter about how God made the heavens and earth.

He created the heavens and earth and then over a period of six days He remade it when it was spoiled. And the thing we notice here is God is Almighty and of course He could have with a snap of His fingers done everything in a moment.

But He is a God of order and there was a reason why He did that making of the earth and heaven in over a period of six days. It is from that creation and the seventh day of rest that we have our week where we have one day of rest in seven.

But what I want to point out to you is that every day God made something and then He examined it. The first day it says He made light and He said it was good. And then the next day He made something else and the next day He made something else and the next day He made something else.

And He kept on saying that's good, that's good, that's good, that's good, that's good. All the way up to the fifth day. And then on the sixth day God suddenly says not good. Have you noticed that? Five days He says good, good, good, good, good.

And then suddenly He says not good. What was that? That was when a man was single and Adam was all... He first made Adam and then He said it's not good for man to be alone. That was on the sixth day. You read of it in Genesis 2 .18.

He said it's not good. So it's something like you know a teacher correcting an answer paper and saying tick, tick, tick, tick and then a cross. It's wrong. Something is missing here. Then we read that God made a wife for Adam and brought her to Adam and united them.

And then He said very good. It's not just good. So you got to see the progression there in Genesis chapter 1. It's very interesting to see it. Good, good, good, good, good, not good and then very good.

What was it that was not good? When a man didn't have a wife. And what was it that solved that problem and made it very good? When he got a wife. Do you feel like that? About the wife you have? Anyway, even if you don't, I want to say that's what God wants it to be like.

And that's what we see in the first chapter of the Bible. He wants your marriage not just to be good. When all the rest of the world is good, He wants your marriage to be very good. Then how is it that when you look at a lot of marriages today and even a lot of so-called Christian marriages, we have to say, not good.

Not at all good. It's in a pretty pathetic situation. I mean, I've been in Christian work for nearly 40 years and I've had the occasion to counsel and talk to a lot of Christian families and I tell you some terrible things that go on in so-called Christian homes.

You don't hear much of it outside because everybody is very pleasant and they go to church, they look so holy. But if you only could see what goes on in their home, it's not good. And what I want to say is, you've got to believe that that is not God's will.

You know, once you accept that, oh well that's normal, that's how everybody else is, well then it's never going to change. Once you accept that state of affairs as normal, it'll never change. But if you can come to the first chapter of the Bible and say, well that's not supposed to be how my married life should be, that's not the way God intended it.

You know, just like if you buy an expensive product and the instruction book says it's supposed to work like this. You have that problem sometimes with computers. You get a computer with a very fast processor and then it's working so slowly.

It takes such a long time to load a program. And then you get a computer that you say, hey something's wrong. That's not the way such an Intel Pentium 4 is supposed to work. And you call the person who fixed it and say there's something wrong here because it's slow, it's crashing so often and something's wrong.

You wouldn't, I mean if you're a person who is using your computer every day, you'd want it fixed immediately. Why aren't you so eager to fix your marriage, which is so sluggish, crashes so often, just like the computer.

There's something better than any Intel 4 processor you have that God gave you. Something which God himself in the original model, he said very good. That's the way it's supposed to be. And the man who fixes the computer comes along and says, hey, you went and did something wrong here, that's why you messed it all up.

But never mind, we can fix it. There's a guarantee on it. And the wonderful thing about marriage is that God gives you not a one year guarantee, a lifelong guarantee. He said come back to me, I'll fix it up anytime.

That's not the way it's supposed to work. Your computer is not supposed to crash every so often. No! What do you think of a man who accepts his marriage crashing every day with explosions and all types of things?

No. There's a virus. You've got to get rid of it. That's the only way. And that's the solution the Bible gives. You can have a marriage which when it's examined down to the deepest detail inside your home, the way it works in your home, that Almighty God Himself can certify it's very good.

See, man certifying that your marriage is good means nothing because they don't know your marriage. I mean, think of the people who know you best. How much do they know of your marriage? I mean, whenever they come to visit you in your home, you're always on your best behavior.

They don't know what really happens there when they're not there. But Almighty God, think if He can certify very good, one who examines every area of a married life, think what a wonderful marriage that is.

So the very first thing which I wanted to establish in your mind is this computer is not supposed to work so slow. It's not supposed to crash. The original model which God made, when God certified it's very good.

It's certified, examined, it's supposed to work much better. So what am I saying? Therefore, don't accept that substandard marriage that you have right now. Don't accept it. Right from the beginning of your married life, God wants your marriage to be very good.

He doesn't want it to be not good. He wants it to be very good. So, I wish I could convince you about that because once you're convinced about that, then you'll really seek for it. Otherwise, you know, think of a fellow who's ignorant of computers, who's already seen as the old, what they used to call PCs, which work so slow and then he expects the same speed here on this Intel Pentium 4.

And somebody says hey listen, this is not supposed to work like those old models. This is supposed to be very fast. It's supposed to be very good. That's what I want to say about your marriage. It's not supposed to be like all those marriages that you see in the world around you.

It's supposed to be very good. If you can be established in this one truth that God designed married life to be excellent, to be very happy. God is the designer and producer of happiness. Everything he does is to make us happier and better people.

The Bible says that God sends only good and perfect gifts. Marriage is a gift from God. And God wants you to have a marriage. God wants our marriage to be supremely happy. When Jesus spoke about marriage once, he was talking to some people who asked him about divorce.

Jesus’ Teaching on Divorce and Becoming One

You know, I mean in western countries divorce is very common. They say it's almost 50 of marriages end in divorce. And the sad thing is, even in Christian churches, the average is the same. 50%. Which proves that these fellows haven't got real Christianity.

How can real Christianity make our marriages as hopeless as the marriages in the world? There's something wrong there. Something fundamentally wrong. So, in Matthew 19 we read that Pharisees came to Jesus and asked him, is it right to divorce your wife?

And Jesus said, no, not at all. I mean, he said in the Old Testament, Moses permitted it because you fellows, your hearts were so hard if you didn't divorce your wife, you would have hammered her and killed her.

So God said, okay, please divorce her. But that's not God's original plan, Jesus said. If you go back to the beginning, which is Genesis 1 and 2, that's what Jesus said there. In the beginning, that was not God's will.

You read that in the first few verses of Matthew 19. He said, in the beginning God made them male and female and he wanted them to be one. And there's a beautiful expression he uses here in verse 5, the two shall become one.

If you want a description of marriage, here is it, in the words of Jesus himself, shall become one. Now that's God's standard. You know, recently they were celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of climbing Mount Everest.

I was a young boy in Delhi, in school, when I read one day in the papers that these fellows, Hillary and Tenzing, had climbed Mount Everest. It was 1953. I was just about thirteen years old. You know, that was a mountain that had challenged so many people.

So many people had tried and died and people had tried to go up and never reached the top and came back. And one day, they succeeded. And once they succeeded, I mean in the last fifty years, so many people, there are people who are paraplegics, who can't walk, got artificial limbs to climb Mount Everest.

It's amazing. From all types of angles, from difficult angles and all, they climbed it. Because there was a tremendous passion in man to conquer this mountain. And that's what drove them, even though so many people tried, didn't succeed.

It was the same with the conquest of space. You know, I mean, people thought it was all science fiction in our school days, when people talked about going to the moon. But I remember the day my first son was born.

He was a young boy and we read in the papers, man had landed on the moon. We'll never forget that day. And it was an amazing thing, that which looked like science fiction, which you've gone back to people in 1960.

Even in 1960, nine years before they landed on the moon, it was difficult. But they did it. You know, man's drive took him to the moon. It's been like that. They tried, they failed, they tried, they failed, they got, finally they landed on the moon.

It's been the same in many areas. And I want to say to you, they did all of that without, they didn't pray to God or ask God's help or any such thing. It was just human intelligence and science and technology, we did all that.

Faith, Acknowledging Failure, and God’s Help

Now here, we're trying to climb another mountain. That's a marriage where two have to become one. Think of that as a Mount Everest. Think of that as a space challenge. And here's something where God has promised, you can do it.

And here's something where God says, I'll help you. How many of you really want to climb this mountain? How many of you really want to reach the top, even if it takes time to get there? Say, Lord, our marriage's been pretty unhappy till now.

It's not been what it should be. You know, I find that the first step in any of our dealings with God, whether it relates to our personal life or to our married life, the first step is to acknowledge our failure.

If you can acknowledge failure, that's a very, very big step. If you can acknowledge failure, and those of you who are married sitting here, you know that that is one of the most difficult things for a man or a woman to do.

To say, that was my mistake, I'm sorry. Do you know those six words, that was my mistake, I'm sorry, are some of the most difficult words to produce from our mouth? You try it, if you don't believe me.

Some of the most difficult words for us to say are these words, that was my mistake. You know, like we teach children, Baba Black Sheep, we've got to teach parents, say it with me, that was my mistake, I'm sorry.

You'll forget it. By tomorrow, you'll forget it. It's a very difficult rhyme to learn, but it can change your life. To acknowledge, that was my mistake, I'm sorry. You who are married for some years, you know how difficult it is.

Something has happened, and you always think it's the other person. But that didn't begin with you. It began with Adam and Eve. It's very interesting, that this wonderful marriage over which God certified very good, couple of days later it was a different story.

It was not good at all. It was very bad. Very good, two days later, very bad. On the sixth day, very good. Two days later on the eighth day, very bad. How did it happen? Because they disobeyed the maker's instructions.

Just like we have all disobeyed the maker's instructions in our married life, the end result is where we are today. And then, what I was coming to was that when God came to Adam and asked him, if I were to paraphrase his words, did you disobey my instructions?

And you know, it's like you call the computer chap and he says, listen, did you follow the instructions of the booklet? You say, well no, my wife came and did something here and I don't know what happened.

That's exactly what Adam said. My wife, she doesn't know anything. She just came and messed up this whole thing and that's why we are in the mess today. Adam said that actually to God, as if he could fool God.

As if he could fool God. He said, my wife. So this business of putting the blame on others started way back with our first parents. And that's one of the first lessons we want to learn in marriage. To finish with that old filthy habit which we have all acquired from Adam of putting the blame on the other person.

That's why I said like Baba Black Sheep, we got to learn that was, you remember the rhyme? That was my mistake, I'm sorry. Learn it. Repeat it again. That was my mistake, I'm sorry. Even single people, you try saying it, it's pretty tough.

It's tough for single people as well. But you learn it when you are single, it will be much easier to sing it when you are married. I tell you, it's a good rhyme. It's changed your life. Very important to learn these six words.

It's one of the toughest words to learn. But you learn it. Say it from your heart, it can change your life. Adam couldn't say it. All he had to say was, when God said it, he said, that was my mistake, I'm sorry.

He didn't say it. And think of the number of times. Can you think of some of you who are married for so many years? When something went wrong in your relationship? How many of you said that? You know why I say it's a difficult rhyme to learn?

Immediately, we begin to justify ourselves. And even if 90 of the fault is with us, we pick on that 10 which the other person did and say, but you did this. And you know in the depth of your heart, that was only 10%.

But you pick on that. Because you don't want to take the blame. I want to say to you, my dear friends, brothers and sisters, that if you are unwilling to get rid of that habit, I can't predict that you are going to have a happy marriage.

And I want to say, it's not such a humiliating thing to say that was my mistake. I'm sorry. Because I want to tell you something. There is only one person, not on earth, but in the universe, who never makes a mistake.

You know who that is? That's God. So if you are in the same category, well, then you know what you think you are. I have no problem saying that was my mistake. Because when I say that, all I'm saying is, fellas, I'm not God.

Got it? That's all I'm saying. Is that a very humiliating thing? Supposing I put that same rhyme in other words, easier words, let's start with easier words. Can you say, I am not God. That's easy, isn't it?

Very easy. That's an easy rhyme to pick up. I am not God. But this is the same thing. Second verse. First verse is I'm not God. Second verse, that was my mistake. I'm sorry. It's the same thing. Why can't you sing the second verse?

Because all you're saying when you say that is, I'm not God. God's the only one who doesn't make mistakes. Yeah, I know I've been married 30 years, but I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I mean, don't say it in that tone.

Say it now. Tone is very important. You can say, I made a mistake. I'm sorry. Well, nobody would believe you if you say it now. Say it like you sing the hymns. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. And you mean it.

Jesus’ Miracles and the Need to Acknowledge Need

But that's so important to acknowledge failure. Do you know that Jesus first did a miracle at a wedding? Isn't that wonderful to read that in the Bible? That the first thing you read in the Bible in Genesis 1 is a wedding.

And then you come to the New Testament and the first miracle that Jesus does is at a wedding. That's pretty good. That means God must be very, very interested in marriages. That the Old Testament and the New Testament begin with a wedding.

And the first miracle that Jesus did was in a wedding ceremony where they ran out of wine. That was in those days. I mean, today, the equivalent of your chicken biryani in today's wedding is the wine there in those days.

Imagine if your chicken biryani ran short and all the fellows are standing in the queue and nothing left. Can you imagine how embarrassed you'll feel? That's exactly how they felt. They ran out of wine.

Thank God Jesus was there. See that wine in the New Testament is a picture of a very happy life. In the New Testament, there's a verse which says, wine to make the heart of man glad. So fullness of wine is a picture of a very happy marriage.

And when the wine runs out, it's a picture of a marriage where all the joy has gone. The marriage is still there. We don't divorce in India because, not because we are happier, but because society frowns on it.

And it's difficult for a woman to go and find a job on her own and find a house on her own. And if she goes back to her parents, in many cases, the parents say, hey, we can't feed another mouth, go back to your husband, adjust and get along.

So just because there are no divorces here doesn't mean our marriages are any happier than in the Western countries. No, the joy has gone out of the marriage. And what I wanted to point out is that when that happened, you know how the problem was solved?

We said Jesus solved the problem. But when did he do it? He did it when somebody came to him and said, they have no wine. The wine has run out. You see the same principle? We have failed. The joy has gone out of our married life.

It was the acknowledgement of failure, instead of pretending, oh yeah, yeah, there's plenty of biryani, it's just around the corner, it's coming, just hang on. It's not there, it's all finished. To acknowledge failure.

You know, as Christian, as human beings, we are all basically good actors. We are very good actors. We want to act happy, come to church, we act holy. And a lot of people when they become Christians, they become better actors than they were before.

Because now they've got to act super holy and better than everybody else, and they become top class hypocrites. It was like that in Jesus' time too. You know the worst people in Jesus' time were the people who went to church every Saturday those days, the synagogue.

They were the worst people of all. Jesus was in a running battle with them all the time, because they were the biggest humbugs and hypocrites. And what was their problem with them? They were unwilling to acknowledge their failure.

That's all. And there were other terrible people in those days in Jesus' time. There was a woman caught in adultery. Jesus said, oh, I forgive you, because what did she have? She acknowledged her need.

Lord, I have no mind. I'm an adulterous woman. Oh, you acknowledge your need? Okay, you're forgiven. And the other side, standing on the other side, were all these holy, so-called holy people who would not acknowledge their need.

And Jesus always finding these two groups of people, a group of religious hypocrites who would not acknowledge their failures and their need, would not say, that was my mistake, I'm sorry. And then on the other side, there were these people whom the religious people looked down upon.

In fact, there was a prostitute among that crowd. Her name was Mary Magdalene. I think she was a prostitute. Anyway, she had seven demons. She was a terrible woman. And Jesus cast out the demons, forgave her sin, and she became a great saint.

Saint Mary Magdalene. Imagine what Jesus can do with people. How did she manage that? Because she did not pretend to be a holy person. She said, well, Lord, I'm just a sinful woman. That's all I am. I'm demon-possessed too.

If you can help me, help me. That's what they did in that first marriage. They came and said, we have no wine. No problem. He solved it. So I want to say to you, my dear brothers and sisters, when you fail, acknowledge it, and the Lord will solve your problem.

God can solve every problem. I'm telling you the truth. I've been a Christian for 44 years, and I've experienced the truth of this verse, of this fact, that God can solve every problem. I'm not putting a sales pitch here for something I'm trying to sell.

I'm telling you the truth. It's absolutely true. There are going to be problems, but God can solve them. In fact, all the miracles that Jesus did was just to highlight this fact, that God can solve every problem.

You know, when they were going in a boat, and the waves, and the storm came, and the waves came into their boat, and Jesus stilled that storm. They said, don't you care that we're going to perish? He said, of course I care.

You're not going to perish. Don't worry. Every miracle he did. You know, we think nowadays of the difficulty of trying to make both ends meet, whether our income can meet our needs. They came across that situation in Jesus' time too.

They had five loaves and two fish, one boy, and they had 10 ,000 people out there, 5 ,000 men plus a number of women and children. How can you feed 10 ,000 people with five loaves and two fish? Jesus said, give it to me.

He could solve that problem too. Can Jesus help us to make ends meet with our limited income? Yes. That's the message in that parable. You don't have to get into debt. He didn't send his disciples, say, go and find some businessmen who can lend you some money, and go and find some shops that are open, and borrow, borrow, and then spend the next 50 years repaying your debt.

He didn't tell them all that. He said, I can help you meet your need without your getting into debt ever. But you've got to acknowledge your need first. There's no food, Lord. We've just got this much.

My income is this much, five loaves and two fish. My needs are 10 ,000 people. You say, impossible, not with God. That's the message of all the Gospels. When you read the Gospels, read it like that. That's the message God has for your marriage.

Faith in God’s Provision and His Standard

But always the first step, you know, I like those instances where a blind man would come to Jesus, and Jesus would say, what do you want me to do for you? Even a stupid fellow like me knows what he wants.

Why does Jesus have to ask him? If I were there, I would say, Lord, I can tell you he wants his eyes open. Why in the world does Jesus have to ask that question? You know why? Because he even wanted that blind guy to acknowledge his need.

That's the reason. It's not because Jesus didn't know. Of course he knew. The Bible says Jesus even knew what was going on in people's hearts when they were thinking he knew. Leave alone when you see a blind man coming to you, everybody knows what he has come for.

But why did he ask him, what do you want me to do for you? And the fellow had to open his mouth and say, I'm blind, I want my eyes open. And the Lord comes to you today and say, what do you want me to do for you?

And you say, Lord, the wine has run out. It's a storm here in my home. Can you still it? I'm not sure. Acknowledge your need and believe that he is almighty. That's why I started with Genesis 1, God's standard.

This is the way your computer is supposed to run. But it's running at such a slow speed. Something is wrong. It's not the way it's supposed to run. It's not the way your marriage should be. Have faith that God will help you to come to the top of that Mount Everest.

Come help you to reach that standard. Which standard? Not the standard of a good Christian home. Sometimes you know you see a very happy couple and you begin to think, oh, I wish our marriage could be like that.

Don't aim for these little hills. Okay? Aim for Mount Everest. That little happy marriage that you see is a little hill. You can go higher than that. But you must have faith. Imagine these fellows went to the moon.

Believed that they could do it. You think any guy would get into that space rocket if he had some doubt whether this is going to reach the moon or not? He was absolutely sure we're going to go to the moon.

And not only that, he told his family we're going to come back. Otherwise, I doubt any of them. You think anybody would take a one-way trip to the moon? However exciting it may be and however much your photos may be flashed on the earth, I'm sure nobody wants a one-way trip to the moon.

They were absolutely sure they'd come back. They had faith and they got in. Can't you believe that Almighty God and all that He said in His word can change your marriage however much it may be on the rocks to like a ship that's hit the rocks and broken that He can fix it all up and get you sailing on the sea of life once again.

It's not a ship really. It's a small boat actually. You know the old fishermen in Europe had a little prayer that they used to pray when they used to go out in their little boats in the early days when they didn't have outboard motors and dissolve sails and oars years ago.

Their prayer was, Oh God, the sea is so great. Our boats are so small. Please help us. That is the prayer of those fishermen. Oh God, the sea is so great. Our boats are so small. Please help us. You know the world is something like that.

Such a huge world with so many problems. It's like a vast ocean with a future that's unknown. It's a vast ocean and you and your wife and your children are in a small little boat trying to go in this ocean.

You don't know where the storm is going to come from. Your only help is God. I thought of that in relation to the world in which we live. There's a song we sing, Because He Lives, I Can Face Tomorrow.

One verse of that song says, How good to hold a little baby in your hand and to see the joy it brings into your heart and then to think, I'm expanding on the words of that song, that this baby has to grow up in a world full of bombs and missiles and terrorists and traffic accidents and evil.

You'll be dead and gone and your child is growing up in this world. It goes on to say, How good to know that you can commit your child to Jesus and because He lives, we can face tomorrow. And because He lives, my child can face tomorrow even after I'm dead and gone.

You see, it's wonderful. That's the hope we have. God can solve every problem. But you've got to have faith because He lives. Because Jesus Christ has conquered death. Because I see in God's word that God's plan for me is to have a happy marriage.

He can do it for me. So we've seen acknowledging our need is number one. And then we saw faith. Faith means you've got to believe. Like these fellows believed they could conquer Mount Everest. And these folks believed that they could go to the moon and come back.

Now we have a much stronger faith than that. Because you know that some of those folks who went up to space even recently never came back. There was that Indian lady among them. Never came back. They thought they'd come back.

But technology failed. And that happened even once before. When the Challenger spacecraft went up some years ago. Never came back. They hardly took off before they all got burnt up. But here we have a promise in scripture.

Understanding One Another in Marriage

Where almighty God Himself has promised to support us. Acknowledge your need. Believe that it is God's will to make your life extremely happy. And I want to show you a verse in 1 Peter which speaks about married couples.

And there's a phrase there which I want to take out from there. In the first letter of Peter chapter 3 and verse 7. It's addressed to husbands but you can also apply it to wives. The phrase in verse 7 is in the middle of that verse.

Live in an understanding way with your partner. Live in an understanding way with your partner. Husbands with your wives. That's what's mentioned here. But we could reverse that. Wives live in an understanding way with your husbands.

Take that as a little motto. When you go away from here. Live in an understanding way. And you know that understanding about any subject takes time. You can teach yourself. I taught myself to use computers.

But it took time to understand. You know children go to school and they take years to understand chemistry or physics or biology. I mean child takes a long time to do, learn long division. I mean you folks can do division easily now.

You know your multiplication table. But think of your children how they are struggling with something that you already know. They have to understand it. And it's the same way in married life. Now think if your child never goes to school.

There is no interest in understanding multiplication or division. You think it will ever understand multiplication or division? No. Not at all. You got to make an effort. There is absolutely nothing in life that you can learn without making an effort.

If some of you are doing well in your professions today. Many of you are college graduates. Did you get your degree without any effort? And after you got your degree, what about your profession, what you are engaged in now?

Did you learn that without any effort? You got a new job and you tried your best to learn your profession. Even if you are in business, you have to learn the secrets of business. So in everything there is understanding.

But when it comes to marriage, I find that very few husbands seeks to understand their wives. They say, hey we got married, that's it. Oh very few wives seek to understand their husbands. And no wonder there are problems.

Think if your child said, oh I got admission into school, that's it. Now I know addition, subtraction, division. You don't know anything, my little boy. You just got admission in school. You don't know a thing.

You got to work hard if you want to learn addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, square root, calculus, all the way. You got to learn. You got to apply your mind. Why is it in every area, we are willing to understand, we know it takes time to understand, we make an effort to understand.

Why is it many of you in your jobs have worked so hard to understand your profession and that's why you are doing so well. And that's why you are making money. Think if you didn't care to understand your profession, where would you be today?

You would be a failure in life. How do you understand the reason for failure in marriage? Live in an understanding way. Seek to understand. The Bible says, seek to understand. Say, Lord please help me to understand my wife.

And your wife say, please Lord please help me to understand my husband. Please help me to understand the laws of marriage. You didn't need to, you couldn't learn that when you were single. I mean single is all theory.

See basically you need to understand that from the time Adam and Eve sinned and the very first thing Adam did was blame his wife. Why was it the very first thing he did? I mean who gave him this bright idea to blame his wife?

I'm sure it was the devil. When God came to him and said, did you do it? Satan whispered and said, hey put the blame on your wife. He did it. And the wife put the blame on the serpent. So from that day, a poison has entered into our system which is the cause of all the problems in our married life.

This poison. And Jesus came to remove that poison. He came to deliver us from it. Not only to forgive our past failure, I want to tell you the good news is that even if you made a mess of your married life, you need two things.

One you need forgiveness from God for all the wrong things you did in your past and you need to forgive one another also, husband and wife. The second thing is, I mean forgiveness alone doesn't solve the problem.