Ten Dating Rules for Men

We are now live on the conversations that matter. Podcast for a late Friday night. Episode here. I'm sure most of you will probably listen or stream this later. I want to talk about one subject and one subject only.

I don't want to take a long time to talk about it. But it is something that has been on my heart and mind for some time. I think it's intensified in the last few days because of some realization in my mind that.

Especially on the internet, but this is also real life to some extent a lot of young Gen-z men, but also Millennials also those who are in their 30s and 40s are extremely discouraged. Some have given up on the idea of dating and marriage and.

I.

Think there's a number of factors involved in this. So I want to talk about that a little but I want to give some hope and I want to give some very practical Advice if I can for those who are interested in that kind of thing.

I've had several people reach out and just ask me what they should be doing if there's anything different that maybe I did or others that I know who are successful in this regard what they've done and As I was coming home from Five guys I was with my wife.

We had our Kind of we try to do a weekly date even after we've gotten married. So the people saying that I don't date well, maybe in the sense of yes. It was ten years ago when I was last dating in the sense that I was single.

But I actually still date my wife every week. We'll go out. Sometimes we have well most of the time now we have our little girl with us. Which that may change as she gets older, but we had about a 15-minute drive and I just said, you know Probably wouldn't take us long to come up with something here.

Ten things if we can come up with ten things that We've learned mostly for men I'm thinking in terms of. This is for men, especially that's my audience overwhelmingly. It's male. What are ten things that that I've learned?

Some of them in conjunction with my wife that have Helped me and helped others as we've observed others in successful relationships. To turn those relationships into a successful marriage and so we did that and I'm gonna start by just Giving a charge to all of you men who are single out there and especially those who are in the stage of giving up.

I think there's Different voices for different groups and there's a spectrum here but in general If you are someone who feels weak. You need help if you are someone who is faint-hearted you need encouragement but if you are someone who is unruly and there seems to be quite a few of those as well out there who are just belligerent about the fact that.

Anyone would suggest they might be able to change their circumstances and get married. There they call themselves incels. It's part of their identity. I Would say actually you may need not encouragement and not help you see if you're unruly you may need actual correction and Whether you're in any of those groups I Think there's a charge that you need to hear and so I want to start with that and this really explains why this is even on my mind and on the minds of so many I've had many conversations with Wiser even older folks than myself who are concerned about this issue that doesn't seem like young people are getting married like they used to that might be different depending on what part of the country you're in and of what kind of.

Religious.

Society you're part of if you're in a rural country area, maybe nothing's changed but Something seems to have changed nationally and I'll show you some stats on that. But but first I want to just sort of speak from my heart and speak truly to you all the policy things.

Politically, we've been fighting for whether it's on the immigration front or election integrity. You name it whatever issue you want to name. It really doesn't matter whether we win those issues or not if we don't have a civilization.

To me, that's how serious this is on a macro level if we fail to Carry on our civilization by having children and raising them up in stable environments. Then what's the point? Seriously. Obviously, I'm for political action.

I've been very supportive of People who are politicians that are Christian that have integrity. We've had them on our show. People who are involved in various capacities in reforming denominations and reforming Christian institutions.

People who have issues they care about and can speak intelligently about. I care about all those things obviously. But I am very aware that if we don't have a lot of kids and we don't start having them quick.

We are going to see the repercussions of that on our economy on our national sovereignty our power in in the world the status we hold. We're gonna see I think a shrinkage in the Ratio of if you want to call them, you know native-born or you could even extend that further and say Americans who have more of a rootedness in this country, there's going to be a Proportion that shrinks they're they're not going to make up as much of the pie as Some of those who have recently arrived and that has profound implications for our culture.

We don't actually have a shared culture and the strains will become even greater. America will exist in pockets if we don't have kids. This is a very serious issue on so many levels and I know many people talk about it in Terms that are different.

Elon Musk will talk about the coming Population crisis and how we need to have more kids. There's a pro-natalist kind of wing in the new right conservatism but there's also a religious element to this that There's pastors.

I know that haven't the Presbyterian they haven't baptized babies. But there's Baptist pastors and Presbyterian and other denominations who just aren't marrying like they used to. I've heard these conversations and if you're in a church that doesn't have this issue then praise God, but this is an issue and As a young man, which is you know, it's not like I don't talk to young women.

I probably spent more time exposing feminism and talking about reviling wives. I wrote a song about the Proverbs 7 woman and I spent a lot of Bandwidth on that, but I know that most of my audience is men and it's men.

I think that I can probably have more of an influence over in this moment and it's men specifically. I'm thinking about how more experience about you as a young man have tremendous influence more than perhaps, you know.

You have a God-given ability to lead. It's even something that Just in a natural way. God has given you in the form of your own testosterone you are built in a different way than women are built and Yes, I I know we're in a very unstable and duracinated time.

Many of us have moved around many of us don't have stable families environments we didn't grow up in that some of you suffer from fatherlessness whether that's spiritual fatherlessness or Just not even having a supportive dad in your own life.

There's many holes. There's many problems that you could point to and legitimately be upset about and I have Tremendous compassion for that. I think that That's one of the things I'd like to say to older people is you know If you don't have people you're mentoring, especially in your church get busy there are the the The harvest is there the fields are ripe.

But if you're a young man He's just starting out you have the world's your oyster. You have tremendous influence and you can channel that influence in various ways. Constructive ends or destructive ends the most constructive end you can channel your energy towards is Not being the president of the United States.

I really don't believe that I think that has tremendous value obviously. But I think there's a primary thing that God has given each one of us unless we have and it's a very small group Of people who have this the gift of singleness the natural State of affairs is for you to desire to have a wife and marriage and I know some of you are thinking right now man, I I have desired that and it just hasn't happened and I'm very upset.

It hurts when someone brings this up. You feel maybe that you're not Performing like the way you should or there's something wrong with you or the circumstances are just against you and Why can't someone have a little understanding?

Well, I do there's something we've talked about many times I do have understanding about that. The circumstances are not ideal in many ways. I'll go through some stats with you again people are upset that I was saying that young men can go and ask a girl on a date and If they get rejected ask another girl on a date because they didn't qualify it.

Some people thought that I didn't add in the fact that the circumstances are very difficult. Well, that's this podcast that's what we talked about this many times and so I'm not ignorant of that at all, but This is the time God has put you on earth for in his sovereignty in his Providence.

This is something we need to get back to you the idea of Providence. God for whatever reason decided to put you on earth in 2025. And he has something for you to do. He has good works that he's predestined for you to do if you are in Christ that means that There's purpose and there's mission to your life.

I Don't know fully what that is. That's something that I think unfolds as you live. It's something that God reveals in his own timing. I do believe though that one of the basic things is pursuing marriage finding a wife.

You finds a wife finds a good thing is good for a man. Or I should say is not good for a man to be alone. It is good to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. This is something that on a basic level no matter what else you're doing.

I think if you're a normal average Man, you need to be pursuing even if you get rejected. I remember a few years ago the revoice movement was Becoming more popular in the evangelical world and the revoice movement soft-petaled homosexuality and There were some comments made at some of their conferences that implied that you could never change if you were homosexual.

That was it. You would never if you wanted to live as a Christian have a family you would never get married you would never enjoy those things and there were people who thought this was so godly because you were giving that all up to follow Jesus because You just were not wired to have those things.

You couldn't desire a wife. Well, I remember on this podcast many times I said that was rubbish absolutely rubbish. You what? Do you just give up? I mean Greg Cole's book was one of the ones that I just thought took the cake on this because there's a man in his 20s not even his 30s yet, and he's saying It's this is just who I am.

It's game over. I'm not gonna be married. Don't you feel sorry for me that I'll never be married. How do you know that? How do you do you limit God? Do you think that the Holy Spirit can't change your own circumstances and Help you conform your desires to his so that you can be in a position to get married.

I mean, do you just give up do you stop? Do you just not even consider the possibility that maybe there's a woman out there that you could Be attracted to and love and have a family with. I mean We if you've listened to the podcast for a while, we've been there.

We've all been there. This is different. But there are people out there Who are telling you I almost queued up the clips and I thought the better of it I thought the better of it because of time and because it thought it would be distracting I could name them.

There are Influencers out there that who are becoming popular even in Christian circles, though. They're not Christians That will try to convince you that the game is too rigged. That even dating dating is homosexual homosexuals are the ones who date it's just to get married to date.

That's not something that a real man would be interested in. Some people have said this is Nietzschean vitalism some people there's all sorts of terms, but Whatever it is. It's poison. It's absolutely poison.

That's just not true. That's just like the revoiced stuff telling man. You're just trapped in this you can't get out. You're a slave to your desires. This one just says you're a slave to the circumstances around you too.

Many women are feminists. Too many women have been indoctrinated. They're gonna leave you when they're 35, even if it looks good now. Because that does happen sometimes and those examples are trumpeted so just don't even bother or It's just in their nature.

This is just the way the world is. I'm sorry. That's not the way the world is. That's a lie. God did not create women to be feminists. He actually created them he wired them and this is kind of one of the things that's gonna play into my ten rules here, but He wired women.

To be receptive to a man who leads and you might say in my experience women revive they just can't stand that. Yeah, of course, there's women who? Reject leadership. There's also women Who are have certainly been indoctrinated just like there's there's also men who have been doctrinated into various things, too.

But yes feminism has done a number. There's no doubt about this. But there's something in the natural order, which is what I'm talking about. That is By God is placed there. It's a it's a design that's fundamental where men lead and women are helpers.

Women are attracted to him even femme. I've seen this even with some feminists. Where they have their ideology, but then when there's a man that's attractive. I mean, it's how God wired them. It goes out the window not saying that's a universal experience, but Even a girl who's a bought into some feminist logic today doesn't mean that she's gonna buy into all of it tomorrow some of these women need to be rescued Out of it.

Some of them might be too far gone and not worth your time. So you have to do a triage you have to assess the situation. But if you don't talk to girls, you won't be able to do it. You have to at least talk to them.

Right, that's kind of basic number one. So this is my encouragement as a man. You have tremendous potential. God puts you on this earth for a purpose and that purpose Has to include his basic creation mandates.

If he's giving you the desire to get married then don't stop pursuing it. Don't just give up. I don't care if you're 40 years old. Don't give up on that. That's something worthy of pursuing. That's a good thing.

There's and there are women out there. I know because I get them in my DMS every once in a while to Reaching out just to say that they. If I well, they haven't asked me to like hook them up with a guy who might be to connect them.

But but but almost like just saying like I've been wanting to find a godly man. Where are they? I've had a few of those and Big fan of your podcast. Where do I go? I Don't know. I.

Don't know.

It depends but I Do know that there are some quality women out there. I know some personally who have not been married yet and If you have to go through a hundred women Dating talking to them trying to figure them out before you find that one.

It's worth it. It's totally worth it. So yes, the hill might be steeper. The going might be tough. It might be a hard Thing to go through to try to find that person, but it's worth it when you get there.

And it's not just a selfish kind of worth it. It is a worth it because it's the fulfillment of who you are. God also designed you to lead someone to to to be nourished by someone and to protect them and to provide for them and To have children and to enjoy them and to yes, they can be a pain sometimes.

But.

They are a blessing from the Lord and This is this is a good thing. It's a good dream not to give up on I I know men in their 40s sometimes 50s who it was their first time. That's when they finally found that person.

You finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. It takes finding it takes effort. Don't give up. Don't give up. There's hope there is. There there's a path out there for you. Okay?

And you are in a position to save our civilization. You might be one link in a chain one block on our wall. You might be one step in a process. But you it is an important process. If we don't have people getting married and having kids it's game over.

What's the point, right?

So.

That that's why I care about this issue on a macro level now at a micro level I actually know several guys and of course I've been encouraging them and trying to help in any way I can and Even commiserating when I hear about some of the horror stories.

I Some of you have been through a lot and I get that. But it doesn't mean that marriage is bad. It doesn't mean that it's out of your reach. It doesn't mean God can't redeem Circumstances, even if you've messed up There there's always a path to redemption here.

Okay? Jesus has made that clear. That's what his blood is for and There it cannot be wrong to pursue the good that God has universally given to everyone so All right. So that's that's my spiel there. I want to I get to some comments and and certainly you can Give me any of the comments or concerns or questions or cries of outrage that you have.

But I want to encourage you and I want to give you some some practical advice here. So what we'll do is I will go through some of my advice and then after that I will give you some stats and I will go through some social media posts and We'll see where we get but I want to start out with some of the advice if I can because I know that's what a Lot of people are watching.

So here's my 10 rules for dating for those who are interested in this kind of thing. This is I guess the wisdom that I've picked up and since some of you think I'm a boomer apparently. At 36. I'm I am a boomer.

I dated 10 years ago, but I guess the landscape has changed so much. Apparently that my advice is so archaic. But you know the Bible's vice advice is not archaic. The Bible's advice is universal, right?

It's timeless and I think that's why I feel comfortable doing this giving you some timeless advice. Suited to what I believe the circumstances are now and I still stand by. What I've said about dating.

I'll get into dating courtship in a minute, but let's just go through it number one. Know what you want in a relationship, but keep your expectations realistic. Know what you want in a relationship, but keep your expectations realistic.

Psalm 37 forces delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Now, I think it's important and you don't know you're not gonna do anything everything. You have to at least talk to some girls if you're a guy you have to get to know them.

To know a little bit about what you want. This is a process, but I think on the outset you should know some basic things, right? She should be a Christian if you're a Christian, right? Maybe if you're going into a dangerous Field she needs to be okay with that.

She needs to be okay with being a military wife, for example, or a pastor's wife or whatever role that's going to require of her you need to understand what kinds of things are non-negotiables now if She's from a culture that you just don't find compatible.

You need to know that. You know, so these are the kinds of things you need to figure out now. Some guys get into like very specific things like she needs to like my music and she needs to be into my hobbies.

I mean, it's nice if you find a girl who likes those things. But let's face it if you are 35 years old and it hasn't worked out. You might need to go back to the drawing board a little bit and reconsider how stringent you want those things.

What are the important things? What are you really looking for? What kind of characteristics and and then go to work? So keep your expectations realistic. Don't make them too high where it's you know as as pastor Tanner Cartwright had said that you know, there's guys who are Their fives or sixes.

I don't like using those scales necessarily. But how else do you communicate this and they want a girl they think they deserve a girl who's a nine or a ten, right? Of course girls do this probably much more often where they they think they're all that and they did.

Yeah, you have to be realistic here. You have to judge righteously first of all and be willing to see the beauty and a girl who maybe doesn't. Sweep you away and knock you off your feet and take your breath away when you first see her.

But over time you realize her personality her love for the Lord her smile those things actually mean a lot. I've seen this happen where you become more attractive to someone over time, right? And that and I think all good marriages the husband says that you know I'm more attracted to you now than I was when we got married.

It's like well the woman is has more wrinkles. How is that positive put on a few pounds? Well, it's because you get to know the person more so have a holistic Standard here number to pray take initiative and trust God with the outcome.

That's all you can do, right? You can't do anything else. You got to pray take initiative and trust God. So be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with Thanksgiving. Let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4 6. Don't be anxious about it. Just do what you can do and leave the rest to God that because there is no other option. So you pray for that person that you'll find that person then you go out there you look for them.

You might have to go online you might have to visit other churches or other college career groups who might have to travel you might have to go to a Mixer like the ones Jerry Doris and Tanner Cartwright do out in Kentucky.

You may you may have to do a lot of different things. It may take effort it may take time it may take some money. But whatever you have to do you you go look Fine, he finds a wife finds a good thing, right and then trust God if it doesn't work out the first second third Fourth fifth time what about the sixth right?

That's what you do. Men should number three men should lead and take the initiative and pursuing. Okay, and this comes from a few things number one the example of Christ Christ Jesus pursued the church.

The church didn't pursue Christ number two Proverbs 1822 says he who finds a wife finds a good thing. I keep quoting that. Well, that means finding that means the man is really the initiator now I want to say something to the ladies here.

That doesn't mean a woman can't make it known that she's available. It doesn't mean a woman can't make herself. Be pretty and attractive and Kind of let the guy let guys know let people know that she's looking.

She'd like to get married those kinds of things.

But to.

Go from non-exclusive to exclusive and we're pursuing marriage. This is really the guy's initiative and the whole rest of the relationship if it leads to marriage is going to be the guy takes the initiative that's the way it should go and I see a lot of guys That want to game the system which gets into my next one.

Don't overthink avoid over strategizing or consulting all her friends now. You may be tempted to get yourself into a position where you're guaranteed that she's going to say yes you you might talk to her friends to try to see what she's thinking try to get in her head try to Just really produce her social media and you might put little feelers out there some of the some of this is flirting and I don't think that's all wrong, by the way, the putting some feelers out there, but the motive is important if the motive becomes that you are trying to Essentially guarantee the outcome because you are afraid you don't want to be hurt well, guess what you may be hurt and that's part of being a man, unfortunately and You're welcome to the rest of your life.

You're going to be in positions where it's risky where it's tough. That's just who you are. So Don't don't and the other thing is this can blow up in your face if I've seen this Just say this I've seen this way too many times.

It's way too common where a guy Tries too many manipulative techniques, he's not direct and This becomes the problem for the girl. The girl is no longer attracted sometimes because it just seems wimpy.

It seems effeminate to her. It's not she wants a man who's confident and knows where he's going and she can at least respect a guy that she says no to but a guy who comes up to her and Tries to say the right things and present himself as something he's not and Figure out what she likes so he can pretend that he likes it I mean it just it blows up in your face the the mask eventually comes off.

And if you're talking to her friends to try to get an inside scoop, they will likely go and talk to her so just don't do it, it's not a good idea and It'll probably end in disaster just because it worked for some guy, you know doesn't mean it's gonna work for you also and I know a.

Lot of.

Influencers online they're gonna give you. The real key to finding a woman like this is how they think this is what you got to. Do. It's good to be direct now. That doesn't mean being blunt. It doesn't mean being rude.

But it does mean at least allowing your intentions to go out there publicly and being willing to suffer rejection if she says no. Number five. Before going exclusive make sure you've met her parents or family and this goes.

This goes along with honoring father and mother because if you marry her they're going to be your in-laws. You are going to together be honoring her father and mother and so they have the responsibility to protect her At this point and so you want to make sure that they are vetting you that they know you that you are safe.

That.

And there's different stages people say when you should do this. You should do it before having a date. That might be put some pressure on the relationship. I did something similar that I actually had a date and then I talked to the father but I think at some point when it starts getting more serious, you definitely need to have a conversation with the father and Circumstances are different today.

This is maybe getting us into a little the dating courtship. You may be in a position where the girl doesn't have a good relationship with her father. She may be off at college. The Mechanisms that are normally in place are not there.

If they're not then you might want to find out who her pastor is or if she has another man in her life who's older that you can talk to an uncle or something a Grandparent and just it just you know, be cool about it.

Just say I really like your granddaughter really like your daughter really and interested in this girl in your congregation and just kind of wanted to let you know that because I know that you care about her and You know, I want the best for her.

And so if you have any ever have any concerns or questions, please let me know. That that definitely helps. Numbers, let's see. Where are we at?

Six.

Ask thoughtful questions and watch how she carries herself in different situations. So asking thoughtful questions means you're not just monologuing about yourself. You're getting to know her and you want to know specific things about her.

I had a list this is this may not be the way to go. I had a hundred questions I came up with and I asked my now wife over the course of months these various questions. And I was probably a little too quick on some of them.

I asked her about joint bank accounts a few weeks in and I think it freaked her out but you find the questions that you think would be good to get to actually know her and then ask her let her talk about herself and Put yourself in various situations with her so you can see how she actually functions when you're not just having fun.

You want to see her when things aren't fun because most of life if you marry her isn't always gonna be rah-rah-rah fun. There's gonna be trials. How does she react to them? Be a gentleman number seven.

Don't but don't put on an act to be yourself. So Romans 12 9 says let love be without hypocrisy. A poor was evil cling to what's good. This goes for all relationships, but for this one, especially. You don't want to be a hypocrite.

You don't want her to find out things about you that she was surprised about. You want to be yourself, but you want to be the best version of yourself. So, you know put on a nice shirt clean your truck.

I mean this stuff should go without saying put on some deodorant. Take a shower. Go pick her up and open the door for her. Don't make her open the door to get into your truck. If you're walking on the sidewalk take the outside when you're walking.

Oh John, you're such a boomer. These are so archaic. Well, guess what? Maybe the boomers conserved some things not everything they believed was liberalism. So if we cast it all away, we're actually getting rid of some tradition.

That might be good. That's one of the things that might be good. So to do that and yes looking at your boss's eye in your boss's eye while you shake his hand is a good thing people are mocking me for.

That like you probably think that shaking your boss's hand and looking him in the eye would be good. And actually I'm like, yeah, actually and I'm proud of it. I don't I don't care. I don't think we should get rid of the quorum and standards.

Wait, but what are you? I mean you trying to like Disintegrate our society we get rid of standards. No, let's uphold them. So she will notice that now you don't have to be take it too far where you're speaking in poetic 19th-century language to earth that that comes it would be yourself, right, but be the best version of yourself.

That's the idea here if You wouldn't feel comfortable doing it number eight with your sister. Don't do it with her. This is really important. All right, if you don't if you wouldn't do it with your sister, don't do it with her.

You mean I can't kiss her. Well, would you kiss your sister? Right, maybe on the cheek. In some cultures, maybe it would be on the mouth, but it wouldn't be a long kiss, right? It's like look I can't hold her hand you hold your sister's hand.

All right. This is a principle and I get it from first Timothy 5 to treat younger women as sisters in all purity. That's all you have to do. Treat her like a sister. Okay. So some of you guys out there some of you might be listening I've taken this a little too far where you've over sexualized everything into.

Any kind of display of affection any compliment any it's all sexualized. It's all read through this sexual and so you just stay away from all of it. You know if you read older books from the 19th century, especially like forget for example, Robert E Lee.

He was known as a flirt now. I don't know if that was the word used at the time I think that might be modern historians imposing but the reason they say that is because he was complimentary towards women.

He had a great relationship with his wife. She wasn't threatened by this. What what what you you you there? Actually, I'd love to return to a time and I and you have to be judicious about this because the circumstances have changed but You a time where you could you can say things that are complimentary.

Especially if you're with a girlfriend you can even say she looks nice. You like that dress, whatever and it's not weird or creepy, right? You got to think through this maybe before you you go and exercise it today because we've.

The need to stuff has completely just buzzsawed the differences between men and women. So men and women don't know how to treat each other. But maybe read some older literature and and start to think of creative ways where you can actually Bring some of this back.

I don't I'm not telling you to hold the hand of your girlfriend or your fiance. Maybe it's better if you don't do that. But I'm not. I'm also saying if that's something that you would do with a sister that there's no reason you It's wrong.

Don't sexualize everything. Okay. But neither get yourself into a position where you are actually doing sinful things sexually with a member about the opposite sex and. That gets into my point nine. Remember nothing good happens after midnight.

I stole this not steal but I'm I'm taking it from someone who used to go to my church who had daughters. And now it means a lot that I have a daughter. So He said nothing good happens after midnight. You always say that I remember thinking I was a teenager.

He was a youth group leader of mine. I was like, yeah, I don't think that's true. I mean You know some of my some of my best work some of my best songs my greatest laughs happen after midnight. But I know he was right about that actually and you see in Scripture I just picked one verse a number of verses about this but Romans 1312 the night is almost gone the day is near therefore Let us lay aside the deeds of darkness put on the arm of light has nothing to do with dating but it does have to do with this.

There's a Association that evil has with the night because it's under the cover of darkness. You don't think anyone's watching you're tired. Your defenses are down. You're not thinking straight. Don't even get on the phone if I were you after midnight just don't do it unless it's an emergency.

Don't get on these long phone calls end it at some point. It gets bad. It can get bad. The when you do things late at night like this just word to the wise Number ten seek wise counsel from trusted friends family or mentors Proverbs 11 14 where there is no guidance that people fall but in an abundance of counselors there is victory.