Friendship Falters - Ecclesiastes 4:13-16

Friendship Falters When We Are No Longer Teachable

Well this morning we are closing out chapter four here in the book of Ecclesiastes and with that this concentration we've had on the the matter of friendship and with that the idea of as a church developing the kind of friendships that will Allow us to become true companions.

So the idea is that as we embark on friendships between perhaps people that the Lord has put before us that have Similar personalities, similar interests, similar goals Similar pressures or adversity that we're laboring in the same way toward the same end and as we develop Kinship and friendship with these people that will actually help cultivate Companionship in the larger body, but of course as we've come to expect with the book of Ecclesiastes There's always that counterpunch where Ecclesiastes is not flowery prose That's going to be Idealistic and optimistic and see the glasses half full.

It's also brutally honest with the way that life under the Sun Often falls short of our hopes Often disappoints us grieves us. There's a there's a sort of brutal honesty with Ecclesiastes and and I think with that I I would be remiss to not speak of Friendship faltering that's really our focus this morning as we close out chapter four.

We've been looking at Friends that save friends that keep friends that help and now we need to look at how friends falter. That's our Yay, that's our purpose here this morning, but I pray that it will be helpful.

Because I think when we understand how friendships falter We'll be able to understand the kind of friends we ought to be the kinds of things we need to pray for and guard against in the Christian life if we would be faithful friends, so just as a recap in Ecclesiastes 4 7 8 we looked at this one who is alone without companion and then we unpacked from verses 9 through 12 the big picture of Friendship two are better than one.

We saw these better than statements throughout chapter 4 woe to him who is alone When he falls and there's no one to help him. So again, the the burden is put on us to risk developing friendships. It's not woe to those who didn't combine to help but woe to me for not Developing a friend that would be a help in a time of need if I lay down By myself, I will have no one to keep me warm.

But if two lie down together in other words if I have a companion with me then I will keep warm from the coldness without and the coldness within and though I might be overpowered by another two will Withstand and a threefold cord is not easily broken.

So that's where we left off in verse 12. We've gone from the one who is alone the two that are better than one and a threefold cord. That's not easily broken. And I think that's some of the bridge into the end of the chapter as we go from one to two and three.

Again depending on how we understand the passage I'll point that out in a moment. And of course another bridge is that we read in verse 12 a Threefold cord is not easily broken or quickly broken. It doesn't say a threefold cord is never broken.

And so already we're set up to see relationships that are splintering apart. I Think that's something of the idea here in verses 13 through 16. Now this also is a bridge heading into chapter 5 in chapter 5.

We're going to see corruption and the influence of power going awry. And of course this is bridging toward that by introducing a king in this vain Cycle of those who are seeking power. So we're heading into chapter 5.

But we're not quite done with the influence of companions and maybe even the loss of friendship at the end of chapter 4. So let me read our passage for us beginning in verse 13 better a poor and wise youth Than an old and foolish king who would be admonished no more.

For he comes out of prison to be king. Although he was born poor in his kingdom. I Saw all the living who walk under the Sun and they were with the second youth who stands in his place. There was no end of all the people over whom he was made king yet.

Those who come afterward will not rejoice in him. Surely this is vanity and a grasping for the wind. So notice what we see at the very beginning in verse 13 the first word better. This is another better than statement the Tove Spruik statements better a poor and wise youth Than an old and foolish king who will be admonished.

No more. This could be rendered an old but foolish king. Or we could have a wise youth in contrast to the old fool. And this is up ending the norms that we see in the scriptures and in the biblical Understanding in the world of Proverbs the younger you are the more foolish you are the older you are the more wiser you are.

But here that gets tossed upside down. Here's a wise youth. That's an anomaly and here's an old fool. Who's the king? That's also an anomaly in terms of wisdom literature. Better is that poor and wise youth than an old but foolish king and Why is this king foolish?

Now this will develop into one of our first points this morning because he refuses to be admonished. In other words, that's part of his own folly is that no longer will he receive instruction or advice?

Notice what's described about this poor wise youth all of the Hebrew here is very ambiguous whether we're talking about a new youth when we Get to verse 15 or the same youth. Who is that second youth?

But the idea is most likely the one who is wise but poor and young. This is the one who comes out of prison to be king. So he's poor. Perhaps the idea here is even debtors prison or he's done something to upset the king.

But now there's this sort of populist rising and even the counselors are supporting this one. He comes out of prison to be king. Something has allowed this wise youth to be lifted out of poverty and though He was born poor in the kingdom.

Now. He's at the very height of the kingdom. Now throughout church history even going back to these scribes They were often trying to locate this figure historically. Who is the poor wise youth born poor in the kingdom who rises to the very top and the most?

Obvious referent would be Joseph Joseph being in the dungeon in the prison as it were and Though he was in that prison in that kingdom of Egypt. He rose to be second under Pharaoh. Another suggestion would be Rehoboam one of Solomon's sons.

But I think to look for historical referent is is not necessary nor is it helpful? Pharaoh the one that had his dreams interpreted was more than willing to receive counsel and advice. He wasn't some old curmudgeon that refused to be spoken to.

I think the idea here is rather there's an almost autobiographical tip of the hat. I Recognize I blew it with my companions and really I was just too hard just too off-putting. Just too strident and self-confident to develop the kind of relationships that I'm calling for in verses 9 through 12.

I Am that old foolish King? I think there's a little bit of a tip of the hat and Here's someone who had none of the things that I boasted about in chapters 1 2. None of the grandeur none of the riches none of the splendor and wealth here was one who was born with nothing.

They were poor they came out of prison to become king and here I am an old fool. This is sort of King Lear existing as it were within Ecclesiastes 4. The point is this one had lost his popularity. There's a vanity to this popularity.

He lost his acclaim his power. He sees there's this young one who begins in wisdom. Does that sound a lot like Solomon beginning with great wisdom in the end to become a foolish King? And now he's surveying and this is the language that we saw in chapters 1 through 3.

Behold I surveyed or I considered all and we're returning right back to this familiar language of chapters 1 through 3. I saw all the living who walk under the Sun and they were with the second youth.

That could be this this poor one that's being referenced in verse 13 or this could be a third entity entirely. I'm actually more drawn to that latter interpretation. The idea is he's beginning to see the cycle.

Look at what he says. There's no end of all the people over whom he was made king. Yet those who come afterward will not rejoice in him. The idea is what we saw in chapters 1 through 3. It's a cycle one rises and replaces and pretty soon as soon as he's settled in.

Another is rising to take the place and I survey it all and I see I'm caught up in this cycle as well. The wise youth full of charisma and energy and grand ideas displacing the king that's intractable immovable self-assured and self-confident.

That's the idea. If you're familiar with this little device called a Zoe trope this goes back to the 19th century where you have this sort of wheel often just made out of paper or maybe tin and. Then you have these little seams often maybe a figure riding a horse or a clown dancing or something like this.

And it's sort of a primitive style of animation where you animate this little sequence. And then there's little notches or windows cut on this wheel and as you spin it at a certain rate. Those little images become animated through the window and that's a Zoe trope and the figure ends up always doing the same thing.

You only get about two seconds of an activity. I think this is a Zoe trope of Kings going from this energetic popular Paraded King full of grand ideas and strategies and slowly shrinking into loneliness.

As he's giving his throne away to the next that's the Zoe trope here in verses 13 through 16. And notice this acclaim notice is popularity. The people are with him they were with the second youth. They were with the one who comes in his place.

They were once with me. They're no longer with me. I blame myself for that. I wasn't willing to be admonished but now the one has come up and taken my place in other words. The king is forsaken. Friendship has faltered.

Counselors have departed. Along comes the younger man. We might think of Absalom. Sort of undermining his father's reign, you know playing it up among the people. He's out of touch. He's far removed. He's he's intractable and the people began to be frustrated with David.

And so there was a populist support for Absalom as Brent Niedergaul explains. The young man comes and takes the place the people cheer the nation prospers and it happens all over again. After years in office this one who began as a young wise youth.

It's not so satisfying anymore. He's also not so young anymore. All that idealism and youthful vigor has vanished his vision for the future. His campaign promises have dissipated. Everything is now evaporated in the passage of time and in the end he becomes the very man.

He replaced an old but foolish King who will be admonished to no more. This is vanity and grasping for the wind. So we return to unavoidable circularity. That chorus of this also is vanity. But we connect the dots to our emphasis on friendship.

This old but foolish King was once the bright center of influence in popularity. Now he finds himself unsupported and all alone. Friendships in his life had faltered. And I really think if we hold this all together in chapter 4 we see why it's calling for us to become Companions devote yourself to friends for this very reason.

So let's consider three three points three points. Answering the question How does friendship falter? How does friendship falter? We've laid out what it means for us to be. Saving friends keeping friends helping friends.

How will we avoid being faltering friends? How do friendships falter? Well just off the bat from verse 13 we can get our first point. The first point is this. Friendship falters when we are no longer teachable.

Friendship falters when we are no longer teachable. Notice that the king does not characterize the fall from friends as his friends fault. Yeah, they were worthless. Yeah, they were only with me for a time.

He doesn't point the finger at his counselors or those closest to him. He sees I am the old but foolish King because I would not be admonished anymore. I would not receive instruction anymore. He realizes that shift away from him is partly his own doing and Of course that the king is proving himself to be a fool.

We could almost translate the Hebrew. He no long. He long no longer knows how to be admonished. He doesn't know how to be instructed. That's the idea. He doesn't take warnings. He doesn't take instructions.

He doesn't take advice. The king became self-sufficient and lived as a loner and when you live as a loner you become alone. If you're not willing to risk what it takes to make a friendship or build a relationship as We saw from the words of Hugh Black the very walls that protect you will imprison you.

That's the idea a King refusing to take advice. How does that happen? How does a wise? Charismatic energetic idealistic king in his youth. Become an old fool who refuses to heed warnings to take advice to receive counsel or instruction he becomes Self-sufficient.

Well, you can see it's some of the things that will carry into chapter 5. Greed and the corruption of envy and covetousness and the lust of the flesh in the world and the evil one it's the pride of life and when you're Feeding on the pride of life you develop that kind of leather that prevents you from being close to people.

You're self-sufficient people need you, but you need no one. You've got it all figured it out. If people around you don't see that you've got no use for them. I'm only with people who know. I've got it all figured out.

The only people I care to be close with are the people who see how self-sufficient I am. It's that kind of attitude. If I if I can cheapen the moment to make the point it's it's it's how Simba felt before he became king.

Listen to the lyrics. I just can't wait to be king. I I'm gonna be the main event like no king was before. I'm brushing up on looking down. See what he thinks kingships gonna. Isn't this gonna be great?

I'll be the main event and I can look down on everyone around me. I think it's time that you and I arranged a heart-to-heart kings don't need advice from little hornbills for a start. You remember the little hornbill was the counselor to the king.

I don't need advice from you. I'm the main event I get to look down on everyone. You don't have to actually be a political ruler to have that kind of mentality and attitude toward others. I'll only be around the people I can look down on because that makes me feel better about myself.

I don't need advice from anyone. People need advice from me, though. People need instruction from me. But of course, this is the Paradigm for foolishness. According to the book of Proverbs the fool is one who refuses to be taught.

The fool is one who does not seek to live by wisdom or by instruction. The fool says I will not heed my father's voice. I'm the son who will not receive instruction. Neither discipline nor love and affection.

Nor the virtues and fruits of faithful living. None of that will have an impact on my life. And so the fool stops up his ears. He refuses guidance. Wisdom is found in what in abundance of counselors. I have a lot of friends and it's good when they come around because I'm really trying to understand the insight and the help and I know they're care for me.

That's much safer than trying to find my own way. Of course Proverbs also warns that those who we become companions to will either have a positive or negative Influence. Whoever walks with the wise will become wise.

But a companion of fools will suffer harm. Hang out with fools. What happens. You end up doing foolish things. There was this video craze that I'll spare from mentioning when I was growing up in the 2000s and my immediate circle of friends all immediately took to this and The idea was you got these short little video clips of doing the kind of stunts that would risk self-injury.

And so we'd get together for sleepovers and would look around the the landscape would look inside the house. What can we climb on and jump off of or jump into. That will probably hurt really bad and it will be hilarious.

The companion of fools will suffer harm. We had bruises and eggs on our head and you know. We probably have what the football tackles get later in life because we were companions to folly to foolishness.

That's the idea. We weren't walking among the wise so you choose your friends with care. Let me just say a sort of a caveat to all of this if you find yourself to be reflecting on solitude or Loneliness, so you feel that you haven't actually developed those friendships and you wouldn't even know where to start.

You don't necessarily have anyone in your lane on your heart in your mind that you think could become a good friend. This is something that first you ought to pray for. You ought to pray for that. I just say pray for faithful friends.

Pray for faithful friends. Some of you are single. You should be praying for a faithful spouse. Pray that God would put someone on your path in your life. You ought to pray that you may find so you pray God.

Give me eyes for someone that could be a faithful friend. Give me patience to build that up carefully and slowly. And as you pray you're trusting not only that God will provide but the call of faith is I trust with who God has provided.

This this church is big enough. We can all have friends in the church. If you have the attitude, I'm looking at I don't see anyone. That's a prospect for a friend here. You're probably not thinking rightly you probably have a wrong view of friendship or a very wrong view of yourself.

I Am a companion the psalmist says to all who fear you who keep your precepts. That's the kind of friend you're praying for. I want to become a companion to the one who fears you. I Don't want to find someone who's looking at friendship with me like I'm a life raft.

I Want someone who's looking at the prospects of what it would mean for us to pursue the Lord together. That's a right and healthy view of friendship. We're gonna get at that in the third point this morning.

A wrong view of friendship. So, of course you're praying for and you're building relationships with those who are seeking to grow in the knowledge and grace of Christ Jesus our Lord. Do they fear God.

Do they keep his precepts? They will be the kind of friends that encourage you in your walk that pray for your growth. The kind of friends that will stick with you when you're an old but foolish King.

And those are the kind of friends that you want. Well, if we would be teachable We must avoid cynicism. When I think of an old but foolish King, I think of a cynical King. I don't know if you deal with cynicism in your life or if you've dealt with cynical people you can't tell them anything.

You can't tell them anything. Cynicism Is something that masquerades as insight? But it's no such thing. It makes you feel wise when you're cynical, but it's the devil's wisdom. The cynic says I know how it really is.

And it's that kind of false wisdom. It's calcified in a way that prevents honest and warm Friendships so if you would be teachable you have to avoid cynicism. You can't teach someone who's cynical. It's a blight that destroys the tender growth of brotherly love.

And you can find that in the church body very easily. It's usually those who have been around the longest are the most tended to be cynical. Usually people that have lived the longest and they've seen enough rotations under the Sun and have seen how campaign promises are hollow they see how the things that seem to be the new novelties always wear thin and the temptation then is to become completely cynical toward life.

I've seen that just for my purview some at times among older ministers. And it's sort of a difficult thing to see sometimes when a man who has served faithfully for many decades becomes cynical about the ministry.

Because he's seen it all. I know how people are. That's never a good way to develop the kind of relationships the kind of persona that is pleasing to the Lord. If we would be Teachable we must avoid cynicism.

The danger with cynicism is it doesn't just harden and calcify yourself and leave you friendless in the end. People never want to be close to you because I always have to have the riot act of why you know How things really are.

But cynicism also corrupts those around you. Then you have a band of cynics and there's nothing more destructive to companionship than that. Can I just say as a caveat don't form friendships out of cynicism?

That'll be promoting the devil's growth. It won't be promoting godliness. Don't bond over cynicism or cynical Perceptions or insights those will be the worst relationships in your life ones that God will have to purge from you and then with that and Here's sort of the paradox of faithful friendship if we would be teachable.

We must be willing to be wounded. Even as we must be willing to wound. That's sort of the the most difficult thing about friendship is the faithful friends are often those that we Begin to look down upon as less than faithful friends because they've wounded us now.

We can certainly wound each other wrongly. We can sin against each other and do so in relationships all the time. But often we are not appreciating a faithful friend for wounding us. We're usually castigating that friend and looking for the types of friends that will flatter us.

A Faithful friend is like someone who walks by you and gives you a prison shank. What was that. You're not gonna view that person automatically as a faithful friend. That's someone who's willing to wound you and so the book of Proverbs is very clear a faithful friend will wound.

But if you're seeking the kind of companion that will flatter you you'll you'll never actually be able to walk in wisdom and the flatters never stick around long. I Can imagine the old but foolish King having built a council out of Flatterers and where are they in the end the flatterers never stick around long.

But the friend that was willing to wound out of love out of desire. Out of the sense that we need to keep going that is a friend. Indeed a friend that tells you when something's off when something's wrong.

I remember I Remember very early on when I first met Alicia and maybe she didn't know me enough at the time to to be a faithful friend. But we we would often when we first met before we were married. We would spend Sunday nights in a family's home at the at the church and they would host these Sunday evening studies.

And it was a great way for us to spend some time with each other and with Christian couples and a family and kind of gave us a vision and a goal to aim for for ourselves and remember after one study. The snacks right on the table and I grabbed a brownie and started eating it and then I went into my Rigmarole and was trying to give some good insight and pepper it with some humor and I noticed that all of my little punchlines.

Were not landing. There's this little semicircle of people and they were all just sort of staring at my face. I'm going boy. I thought that was kind of funny. I wonder why they didn't laugh and so I try again and really ham it up.

And I'm just seeing like a mouth drop and they're just staring at my mouth. And I did this for about 45 minutes and then only after people slowly began to shuttle away and I'm just very very confused Alicia said.

One of your teeth is entirely covered in chocolate. Like you just telling me that now. Every joke I have you were just staring at this one completely brown tooth and I'm like, huh? Trying to get people to laugh and they're just staring at me and no one's saying anything.

I Don't expect all these people to say anything, but I'm expecting Alicia to say something. Well, thankfully she would say something now. That's that's someone who has to risk embarrassing you to prevent you from being embarrassed.

That's a faithful friend. Hey, this is gonna be shocking and disappointing for you to know now. But it's gonna be a lot more shocking and disappointing if I don't point it out to you. It's gonna be harder.

That's a faithful friend that I'm wounding you so that you won't die out there. I'm wounding you so that you can recover and heal. That's a faithful friend. I'm going to risk embarrassing you now. So that you will not be embarrassed later on if you've proven yourself To be someone who can receive instruction and advice then you'll have friends that are more willing to do those things.

Because to be honest when we're not feeling very Warm and close and we're not having these relationships built upon trust. We see things that we don't say anything. So much for they the ad campaign see something say something.

We're kind of like someone else got to point that out. And then we're all walking around with chocolate dentures, there's no one saying anything. Let me put it this way. That kind of friend will never tell us the things we want to hear.

But they will tell us the things we need to hear. We want to build friendships based on what we want to hear. We should be striving for the kind of friendships that tell us the things we need To hear and you really can see how the Lord uses faithful friends in that way.

What I'm saying is in that moment at that time you may view that faithful friend as your least faithful friend. Such as the hardness of our heart and the twistedness of our perspective. At first we might be offended listen to what Proverbs says whoever corrects a scoffer will be abused and He who reproves a wicked man will be injured.

Never reprove a scoffer. He will hate you. Reprove a wise man. He will love you give instruction to a wise man. He will become wiser teach a righteous man. He will increase in learning. Do you see what that's calling for Proverbs chapter 9 to be righteous to have integrity to be trustworthy in.

This way means I'm not a scoffer. I'm not cynical. What do you know? You've always been this way toward me. It's not that kind of attitude at all. Eventually a faithful friend says I can't even reprove I Get abused.

I get scoffed at. I get rejected when I'm trying to be faithful. So we need to make sure that we're not the scoffer or that when a faithful friend is being faithful to us. We're not rejecting them and pushing them aside.

We want to be righteous. We want to be growing in wisdom even still. So that's the first point. Friendship falters when we're no longer teachable. That's a good question to ask. Am I teachable? Have I taken a step?

This year that I've never taken in previous years. Something that perhaps someone in my life has prayed for me about encouraged me in exhorted me to. Am I teachable with that or do I? I Don't need to hear that.

Now. What do you know? I look at these other people. Why don't you go bark up their tree? Is that our attitude? Are we a fool? Are we a scoffer or do we actually take to heart? No, I want to be teachable.

That's the only way I can grow if I rest on my own laurels if I put it in cruise control in the walk. I will not be able to grow in wisdom and in righteousness. I will not find the blessing of the Lord increase in my life.

Friendship Falters When We Seek the Inner Ring

I cannot expect to have faithful friends surround me if I'm not teachable. Second point. Friendship falters when we seek the inner ring. This is a Great little phrase from C .s. Lewis an essay. He he wrote based on a Speech he gave At a school and and it's in his book of essays the weight of glory and honestly you can find it online for free to Read.

I would encourage you to read it. It's not very long. It's very very insightful. And he recognized that the dangers that happen to relationships and the dangers that happen to our own minds and hearts when we're Seeking after the inner ring the inner ring exists anywhere.

There's hierarchy order. Possibility of gain or increase in any sort of social gathering or social structure if you grew up in public school. You knew what lunch table was the have and what lunch table was the have not?

You often were trying to figure out on the sliding scale of your status where you could sit and who you could sit with. Maybe you sat at a table glaring longingly at the table. You couldn't sit at and then you daydream in between peas and milk cartons.

If only I could sit there. And I will really arrive and then you grow up and you get out of school and you think how foolish that all was. While you sit longingly glaring at the table over there the job promotion over here that house in that neighborhood.

If I could just get there and so we are so foolishly seeking that inner ring. Another way of putting this is it's the drive to belong. I Want I want to feel that I belong if I can just cross that threshold if if the they Somehow embraces me and now that they becomes a we.

Then I will have made it then I will belong. And CS Lewis says that's a very powerful motivator. It's not necessarily all bad someone has to sit at the cool table. I Think what he's trying to say is there is no cool table.

Someone has to get the promotion. Someone has to fill those slots. Someone has to be the quarterback. But it's that drive to belong that actually feeds our flesh and the evil one knows how to stoke and provoke and use that to Destroy our souls and our walks with the Lord.

It's chasing entry. It's another phrase Lewis Talks about how the cost of entry is something that we begin to chase and we actually begin to do things. We never thought we would do it masquerades as if it's going to be look just one little simple compromise.

One little simple sacrifice and and then that's it and I'm in but the Sacrifices and the compromises never stop and pretty soon you become a wonder to yourself. How did I get here? How am I Speaking and thinking and appearing like this.

What what was I chasing and what have I given to belong? And then of course the most cruel reality of it all is as Lewis says you you finally Get into the inner ring only to find that it's empty. But rather than realizing every inner ring must be so you Stand in that empty place and look for the next inner ring to drive toward listen to him in his own words.

If all you want is to be in the know your pleasure will be very short-lived. The circle cannot have from within the charm it had from outside. By the very act of admitting you it's lost its magic. Oh, I thought I was gonna be better than this.

Must be the wrong ring. I'll aim for that one. It must be the wrong promotion the wrong gain the wrong circle if I can just have that. Listen again, once the first novelty is worn off the members of the circle will be no more interesting than your old friends.

You thought these were really gonna be the friends. This was really gonna be the lifestyle this was really gonna be where it's at and then you find out it's really no different than My old friends the friends you sacrifice or compromised or ignored in order to chase the inner ring.

And why should they be you were not looking for virtue or kindness or loyalty or humor or learning or any of the things that you? Would actually enjoy. You just want it to be in and that kind of pleasure never lasts.

You weren't looking for what that friendship could mean and offer you you were looking for the status the gain that it seemed to provide. This also is vanity in a grasping for the wind. And I think if we're going to get our hands around becoming companion as a church.

We need to recognize. We perhaps are creating inner rings in a church. You need to realize that's something that you do we Manufacture and create the inner rings that we seek to get into and the danger then is to say well Why can't the whole church be an inner ring?

That's as much of a problem because the inner ring mentality is a completely wrong approach to human relationships. So the church is not meant to be the inner ring at large. I was at a meeting on Tuesday with some of the brethren from nerf and The man who gave the presentation Bob Hall a retired pastor who ministered in the Bronx for many many decades in New York City and.

And one of the points he made that I thought was very insightful as he said, you know we had an incredible ministry of reaching out to the poor as things were happening when we first began ministry you had a surge of Cambodian refugees that came in sort of Escaping the the ravages of Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge and so here they are in the Bronx and and you have a few of them that can speak English and transit on their behalf and and some of them had been Evangelized by missionaries while they were in in refugee camps in Thailand or Vietnam before they came over.

And so as they're coming over They're clothing them and feeding them and they're coming into the church and they all seem to be these bright prospects of of Christian growth and firm belief and it's a Incredibly over time the vast majority of them begin to fall away go back to old Religions from the motherland and and completely apostasized from Christ and he recognized as this was happening over a period of time.