Hilarious Footage: Starbucks Sensitivity Training

Starbucks Sensitivity Training as Satire of Wokeness

More than 8 ,000 stores will close next month, so that employees can receive racial sensitivity training. This after the arrest of two black men at one of its Philadelphia stores sparked an outcry and a call for a boycott.

Customer Service, Race, and Pronoun Policing

All right, we desire to treat everyone equally, so let's start off with a little quizzing. Let's say a black man walks up to order a coffee. What do you do, Todd? Take his order. Take his order? Rule number one, never assume someone's gender.

Never. But you said he was a black man. Yeah, I know he's a guy, because I already asked him his pronoun before I called him a him.

You gotta be one step ahead. That's what this takes, Todd. That's what this takes. You asked the fictional character in your head if he was a man.

Yeah, that's exactly what I did, Todd, because I need that, because we gotta go one step higher with our sensitivity training, everybody. Take it one step up. Same question, Lisa. A black man walks in to order a coffee.

What do you say? I say, hi, welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you? Whoa, what's with the tone, Lisa? What tone? What, okay, listen, I don't know how many times I have to say this, but we have to treat everyone equally.

Try it again with a better tone, Lisa. Okay. Hi, welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you? Okay, you might as well just call a protest yourself, Lisa. What can I get for you? I'm sorry, is he that much of an inconvenience?

Like, this is the kind of stuff that's gonna get us in trouble. I bet if he was a white man, you would have just said, how can I help you?

No, I think No, that's the problem. Lisa, you don't think. You need to care. I feel like you're being a little bit insensitive to Lisa.

Well, you know what? We can't afford to be sensitive in a sensitivity training. It's 2018, people. Y 'all need to get woke.

Dale, help me out here. What do you say? Before I take your order, I would like to apologize on behalf of my white ancestors. I don't see anything wrong with that.

That was good. All right, let's move on to the second question. Okay, he wants a plain coffee. What do you say, Todd?

How would you like your black coffee, sir? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no! Do not assume that just because he's a black man that he wants black coffee.

But all of our plain coffee is black.

The Absurdity of Racial Essentialism and Political Correctness

Oh, so now black coffee is plain? Now if you have anything black, it's just plain and boring? Is that it? You know what, Todd? If you stop eating mayonnaise all day and watching Gilmore Girls and Dawson's Creek, I bet you'd finally be able to open up your eyes and see that the world is full of exciting different colors, Todd.

Okay, Lisa, go. Ask if he wants room for cream and sugar. All right, if I were a woman, I would throat punch you, Lisa, and wake you up from your entitlement, all right? You don't need something white to make something good.

You understand that? All right, Dale, help me out here. Help me out. What do you say, Dale?

What do you say? It shouldn't have taken me this long to serve you. He's only here for a minute, though. No, it's been hundreds of years. Nice flair, Dale, nice flair. That's what I'm talking about. Do we have to start off every order apologizing for what happened in America and Canada?

Yeah, I mean, shouldn't we just treat everybody equal? All right, I expected to have to mansplain to Lisa over here, but not to you, Todd. Not to you, all right? Sometimes you have to treat some people special to treat everybody equal, and that's what we're doing.

We're treating everybody equal.

Mock Apology Culture and the Final Americano Bit

Sometimes, when I think about what I've done to you, I become so overwhelmed with emotion, I... I'm proud of his beard. That can't be sanitary.

I'll tell you what's not sanitary. Not acting like Dale. Todd, do what Dale just did. I'm not gonna do that. No, you need to. Do it, Todd! Ah, look at that real hair. Did that hurt, Todd? Yes, it did.

Well, welcome to the rest of the world, Todd, because the rest of the world isn't some white, privileged boy that's never gone through any hardship in his entire life.

I was kidnapped as a child.

Okay, well, that's clearly devastating. I didn't recognize that, didn't know that. All right, guys, the whole point is we need to stop accidentally being racist, okay? How? I don't know! Let's just take his order, okay?

He wants an Americano. What do you say? Okay, so you want... A black Americano. No, wrong, wrong! That's where you're way wrong. He wants an African Americano.

Actually, that term is not politically correct. It's actually kind of racist.

What? So I'm accidentally racist? What have I become?

I can't, I can't! Next week with Jeff Durbin, the late night show with the unpopular opinion. Tuesday, only on Facebook Live.