TLP 320: Parent Your Children for Change

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What's the point of parenting if we can't be used by God to change our kids? We can't actually change them, but we can be used in the process.

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Welcome to Truth. Love. Parent. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, A .M. Brewster. So, how do you take everything we've reviewed over the past six episodes and make them come alive in our daily parenting?

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That's the focus of today's episode. If you haven't participated in this review series from the beginning, it may not be as helpful as some of the most important concepts will just be assumed.

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Either way, I do pray it's a blessing for you. Now, before we continue, I want to thank Lisa and Jay for making today's episode possible.

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TLP is a listener -supported ministry. Without their monthly giving, we wouldn't be able to produce these free biblical parenting resources.

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So, thank you, Lisa and Jay, for the part you've played. And by the way, Jay, congratulations on the birth of your firstborn.

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That's awesome. And if you'd like to learn how you can get involved, just click on the five ways to support TLP link in the description of this episode.

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Also, if you're not yet a subscriber, I highly recommend you become one. Use whatever podcast director you like.

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Listen online, listen on Pandora or Spotify. Just be sure to subscribe. We have all new episodes coming at you twice weekly starting in January.

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I'm extremely excited about what's on the horizon, and I don't want you to miss any of it. All right, let's talk about how to parent your children for change.

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Okay, so what does parenting with the mirror's Christianity look like? Before I give my first example,

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I want to remind you of the indispensable parenting tool called revolving priorities from episode 39.

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Please listen to that show when you get a chance, but for now, know that revolving priorities means that we change our goal as our children reveal their root issues.

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When we find something that we didn't realize was there before, we need to address that. We need to change the direction we were going.

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So let's start with a tame example. I'm going to try to use real life examples from my home. This includes my own children who are elementary aged as well as the teen boys who live at Victory Academy.

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But don't worry, I'll change the names to protect the guilty. Okay, so while at Walmart a few days ago, my kids and I went into the self -checkout line to purchase only one item.

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Ivy offered to scan the item. I told her she could, but Micah chimed in with the following, Ivy, you scanned the items last time and the time before.

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I want to do it this time. Now both Ivy and Micah's fruit were showing because fruit is everything we say, do, and feel.

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Was there a problem though? What was the problem if there was one? At first, I didn't recognize

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Ivy's fruit for what it was, but Micah's fruit helped me understand the context. Already, I know that they're saying and doing what they're saying and doing because they want something.

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Like I said, Ivy was kind of hard to read. It was clear she wanted to scan the item, but why she wanted to scan it was uncertain.

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Was she trying to be helpful? Like I hopefully assumed. She may have been being selfish and she may even have been trying to cut her brother out of the process again.

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Unfortunately for me, none of her subsequent words or actions gave me any clarity to her heart. She also didn't seem too emotional about the offer or Micah's accusation.

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Now I could have addressed Ivy differently, but instead I turned my attention to Micah after I told Ivy she could scan the item.

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His words definitely betray that he wanted to be the one to scan the item, but the emotion in his voice showed me his motivation wasn't pure.

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So instead of focusing on Ivy, I told my son he needed to love his sister. Now that might sound really simple and not what you expected, especially given all the things that we've talked about.

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So why did I do this? Well, honestly, it was one of those speed parenting moments. I plan to do a whole episode all about speed parenting, but to sum it up, it's trying to do your full parenting duty as quickly as possible without skipping any important steps or spouting failure philosophies in the process.

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Now for you to fully understand why I said what I said to my son, you'd have to know that Micah and I have had numerous discussions about what it means to love his sister.

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The fact that he repeatedly defaults to loving himself over his sister, what that means about his relationship with God, how he can work to prefer her above himself, and what really loving her even means in the first place.

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It will also help you to realize that whereas many of my daughter's sinful choices are impulsive and emotional, my son tends to respond with calculated angst.

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Not only that, but he's older and his struggles in this area have been getting worse as of late instead of better, like Ivy's attempts to prefer her brother above herself.

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So I brought my son's mind back to the fact that he wasn't loving his sister by trying to scan the item.

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This truth, of course, led us to a quick reminder about how we cannot be loving God if we're not loving our neighbor.

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Now, this was an example of a lightweight issue handled with speed parenting, but one of the things that makes speed parenting work is that you must have laid a foundation previously that your shortened admonishment in the moment can rest upon.

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Had I not previously laid that foundation, I would have had to have another conversation altogether. But before I give you that example, please understand that this is merely an abbreviated illustration.

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I tend to ask a lot of questions when working with people. Jesus did it, God the Father did it, and it's so valuable.

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But the examples I'm going to give you are the kernel ideas I would try to help my child understand. By asking the right questions, presenting the right passages, and sharing the right truth, my goal is for my child to understand the things

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I'm about to explain to you, but hopefully even come to those conclusions on their own. Here goes. In the illustration

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I just gave, assuming my observations about his fruit were accurate, which I would verify by asking appropriate questions,

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I would want my son to understand the following. Micah, what you said and how you were feeling showed me that you wanted to scan the item more than you wanted your sister to scan it.

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And the fact that you wanted what you wanted says something about what you believe about God. Now, I need to stop again for a second.

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I've mentioned this on the show a number of times, but it's so important it bears repeating. Be very careful the moment you're about to tell your child what they believe or why they did something.

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Yes, there are a number of sinful behaviors in Scripture that God tells us why we do what we do. The best example is in James 4, where God tells us that we fight because we're selfish spiritual idolaters.

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But beyond the biblical examples, we must delicately use the Bible to walk through the possibilities with our child.

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There are many bad reasons for which he may have done what he did, and to be honest, there are a couple possible quasi -good reasons he may have done it too.

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As an example, he may have been told by his mom last time that he would be able to scan the item this time. She may have even told him, if Ivy wants to scan the item again, please remind her that she shouldn't.

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Now, though that doesn't dismiss any selfish motivation on his part, it partially justifies his concern. However, that wasn't the case in this scenario, so I'm just going to move on.

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He may have wanted to scan the item because he had an inaccurate understanding of fairness. It could have been because he wanted to unkindly take the opportunity to one -up his sister.

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It may have been that he hates it when his little sister gets to do grown -up things when he doesn't get to do them. And he may even have seen a little girl in the next checkout station and subconsciously thought it'd be cool if she saw him checking out like a cool kid, you know?

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The point is, I probably don't know. Now, as Micah's father, I have a really good guess based off a ton of previous examples and experiences, but I'm never going to say, thus saith dad, without at least verifying that my assumption is correct.

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And if my son were to genuinely tell me that my assumption was off -base, I hope I would do my best to re -evaluate.

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So, let's say that based off his modus operandi, I suggest that he wanted what he wanted because he forgot the real definition of fairness.

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If God were fair and gave us what we deserve, we'd all be in hell. In fact, to quote Reliant K, the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

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Now, why am I reminding him of this? Well, he already knows that he wants what he wants because he believes what he believes. He already understands the correlation.

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We've covered it. So, when I remind him that God is infinitely good to us and that anything we experience that's better than hell is praiseworthy and should have us thanking him, then

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I'm reminding him that he needs to believe what God says. I then also remind him that by thinking he deserved to scan the item and his sister didn't, he was putting his desires above his sister's.

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As a loving brother, he should be trying to do whatever is in his sister's best interest. He should be preferring her and trying to outdo her in honor.

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I could also remind him that humility is not thinking of ourselves at all, but instead looking to serve others for the glory of God.

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And assuming we have the time and are in some place I can use my Bible app, I would show him the passages that deal with the truths we discussed.

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Now I kind of flew through that, but I need to move on. Let me give you another one. This one is kind of fresh. Just the other night, my daughter went through her normal evening routine of not doing her evening routine the way she's been taught.

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In addition to a number of various forms of disobedience, the straw that broke the camel's back was that she somehow managed to get toothpaste all over the bathroom drawer.

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My wife confronted her and she melted into this flood of tears. And after being admonished by my wife to apologize for the disobedience that resulted in the toothpaste debacle, my eight -year -old proclaimed,

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I'm not fit for this life. And then she unraveled all the reasons she's a failure and how she'll never be able to do right because she's already tried it and it fails every time.

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The first thing I did was to ask her to settle down and look at me. I then told her that in situations like this, we have a choice to believe a lie or to believe the truth.

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I asked her if she was an accident and she said no. I asked her if she believed

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God had a plan for her life and she said yes. Then I told her that Satan, the world, and her sinful flesh want her to believe that she's not quote -unquote fit for this life.

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But to believe that would be to accept a lie and to call God a liar in the process. Then she said, but I can't do it.

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And there I agreed with her because that was probably the first honest thing she'd said. I told her, you're right, you can't do it in your own power.

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You need to submit to the Holy Spirit and strive to obey in His power. And we talked a little bit about the role of the

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Spirit and what He plays in her life. I then finished up talking about the fact that her deepest issues are twofold.

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One, she too often doesn't think about what's right until after she's already done what's wrong. And two, she does this because she's too used to living for her own comfort and pleasure.

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She's unkind when she feels like it, but she's quite often good just because she feels like it too.

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And when she sins and it no longer feels good, she laments that she isn't better. But instead of living for her own satisfaction, she needs to start deliberately living to please the

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Lord. That means she needs to know what God commands, believe it, and consciously work in the power of the

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Spirit to accomplish it because He is worth it. I reminded her that she can't accidentally glorify

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God. If she's not intentionally living to please Him, she's living to please herself. And things like what happened that evening are all a result of living a life where we aren't living for God, where we don't recognize

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His power and sovereignty in our lives. All right, now let's finish off with a beefier example.

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A few years back, I had a young man in my house who was a proverb scoffer. He not only rejected truth, but he frequently attacked it and mocked it.

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In situations like that, there's a fine line between answering a fool according to his folly and not answering a fool according to his folly.

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Jesus warns us not to cast our pearls before swine, lest they trample the pearls, turn on us, and rend us to pieces.

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But the example I'm about to give is one of those times I believed it was wise to draw the purposes of his heart.

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We're going to call the boy Steve. Steve had gotten himself in trouble for directly disobeying an order from my

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RA, my resident assistant. That earned him demerits and a cardinal, and he was anticipating having to work through the consequences of his actions.

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Of course, he refused to accept responsibility because the RA was just being stupid, and he shared a whole litany of reasons that supposedly justified his disobedience, all of which were an attack on the character of my

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RA. By the way, this was not only a good example of the hypocritical failure philosophy, but also an example of terror tactics.

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You can learn more about those in episodes 61 and 37, respectively. So I started by trying to correct his failure philosophy by revealing the truth about his actions.

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Steve, let's just say that the RA really had done all of those terrible things. Does that make it okay for you to disobey him?

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Of course, Steve answered, yes. Okay, Steve, so what do I get to do to you because of what you did to the

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RA? He looked at me blankly, and I continued. If you are a student under the authority of the house staff, if you get to disobey that authority because the authority is a jerk, then what do

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I get to do to the student who's being disrespectful? You can't tell me that you're punishing the

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RA because of his inconsistency is okay if you're not going to be okay with me punishing you for your inconsistency.

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Generally, though they hate the reality, they can't argue the logic. Now remember, I'm dealing with an unsaved boy.

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He doesn't believe the truths of Scripture, so there's little I can do to counsel him at this point. I said, Steve, you think that you can live your life however you want, but God created this reality to conform to the plan he has for it.

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And just like for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction in science, the same is true for our choices.

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You react against the RA because of his reactions, but the RA rightfully is reacting to your actions because what you did was wrong.

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There's no place in this universe where physical bodies aren't acting on each other the way God commanded them to, and the idea that you can do whatever you want is a delusion that doesn't exist anywhere in the universe either.

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And this should be obvious to you because you've been trying to live your life for yourself this whole time, and your life is filled with negative consequences from your parents, the authorities, your teachers, and now the people here at Victory.

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God is trying to show you that his word is true and that you need to believe it because the ultimate consequence for trying to live your life your own way is eternal death in hell.

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I love you too much to let that happen without trying to intervene. God has given us a way to have victory over our sinful, self -destructive choices, but it starts with believing his word and what it says about him.

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Okay, so now before I present a quick recap, I do want you to know that anytime a student comes to me and complains about my

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RAs, I always take that very seriously. In this particular instance, the RA had not done anything wrong. I mean, he'd been inconsistent in a few areas, but he had not done anything that quote unquote deserved the disrespect of this student.

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However, again, had it been other issues that I faced in the past, I always address that with the RA because we're all here to grow and learn, including me.

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All right now, so for a quick recap, when you parent using the mirror's Christianity, you want to help your child see the connection between their fruit and their roots.

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They need to realize that the sinful choices they're making stem from the fact that somewhere in their lives, they're calling God a liar.

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Each time we refuse to believe him, we're attacking his character. Now there's this tool I use almost on a daily basis in my counseling and my job at Victory Academy for Boys.

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However, I don't have permission to share it with you yet, and it's not out there to purchase. It was created by the staff at the

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Wilds Christian Camp and Conference Center. It's an absolutely amazing tool, but I want to get permission before I share it with you. And if I get that permission,

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I definitely will share it with you. However, there are some other things you can do. The great thing about the tool that I was referring to is that it presents bad fruit and then ties it directly to the character traits of God that your bad fruit attacks.

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And it does that for the parent. It then presents a large number of Bible verses that explain and expand your understanding of that particular trait of God so you can share it with your kids.

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Here's why this is so important. Too often, we want our child to stop doing wrong and start doing right in the same way that they change their clothes, we want them to change their behavior.

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And the concept of putting off and putting on is biblical, and Ephesians 4, we're introduced to that truth. But what if your kids religiously took off their dirty clothes and put on clean clothes every day, twice a day?

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But they never took a bath or shower. Yeah, you see the problem.

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Now let's listen to Ephesians 4, 17 through 24 for the answer. Now this I say in testifying the

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Lord that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardness of heart.

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They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity.

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But that is not the way you learned Christ. Now there are a lot of familiar concepts in there.

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Paul's telling these people to stop doing things that are empty and mindless and alienate us from God. He also talks about the fact that hard -hearted people live this way, but then he continues.

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But that is not the way you learned Christ, assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him as the truth is in Jesus.

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To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

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Then verses 25 through 32 illustrate this principle for us. I'll give you just an example. Verse 25 says,

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Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

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Basically, you need to put off lying and put on truth -telling. But we mustn't rush past the, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds.

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That's the bathing part before we put on the new clothes. How do we do this? How do we guide our children in this?

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Well, that's the whole point of our Amir's Christianity study. The goal is not merely to remove the bad fruit.

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If that were the only goal, you could forcibly remove the bad fruit every time you see it. Every dictator and terrorist can use fear and force to scare people into submission.

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But we want real heart change. So, we have to attend to the roots of this bad tree in front of us.

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Yes, I will share with my children how their sin was wicked and talk about the consequences, but I want to spend the majority of my time dealing with the character of God.

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Recently I spoke with a young man who admitted to me that he believes in God and wants to go to heaven, but he doesn't want

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God to control his life because he thinks he can do fine by himself. The problem with those statements is not that he wants to run his own life.

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That is an issue. But the real problem is that he thinks he believes in God. However, if he actually believed in the

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God of the Bible as he portrays himself in Scripture, he would have no problem submitting to God's control.

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It's the fact that he refuses, that bad fruit of the fact that he refuses to submit to God that shows that he doesn't truly believe who

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God is. So what I plan to do is collect a number of passages that speak to God's sovereignty, love, power, and wisdom.

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I'm going to share these passages with him and simply call him to renew his mind. He will renew his mind by either choosing to believe what the

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Bible says, or he won't renew his mind by rejecting it. If he rejects it, calls

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God a liar, and continues attacking God's sovereignty, there will be nothing I can do to help him put off his wicked fruit and put on Christ's honoring fruit.

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Even his quote -unquote good deeds will be rotten on the inside because he'll be doing them only for himself. So in the end,

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I'm not only trying to help my child put off his sinful behavior, I'm helping him renew his mind by agreeing with God and believing what he says.

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I can only present my child with the truth of the Bible. He will have to believe it. So whether it's a tool from the wilds, or it's your own study and knowledge of the

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Bible, or it's one of the systematic theology books we discussed last time, our goal should be to introduce them to a biblical understanding of God.

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Now there's another tool you can use, and it's helpful, but I think we're missing an important step if we only utilize tools such as what

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I'm about to explain. You can find books that categorize verses by topic. So if my child is lying,

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I can find verses that talk about lying. That's helpful unless my kid doesn't accept the

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Bible as an authority in his life. She first needs to believe that God is who he says he is before she'll believe that she needs to live for him by not lying.

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Because the worst -case scenario, as I mentioned before, a child who doesn't lie out of self -preservation or to impress somebody is in a worse place than a liar.

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The liar will be caught, but it's hard to parent the rocky -hearted child who tells the truth just because that's what he's always done.

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It's hard for us as parents to see that our child isn't obeying to please the Lord, he's obeying to save his hide.

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Now I have to admit, I'm really sad this study is coming to a close. If I receive permission to share the tool from the wilds,

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I'll definitely do a whole episode teaching you how to use it, and it'll be nice to review this material at that time. But I hope you go back and I hope you listen to these talks again.

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Every year I teach this material at least twice, and every time I'm reminded and challenged in my own life and parenting.

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Also, please share these episodes with your friends. There isn't a Christian in the world, parent or not, who doesn't need this.

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Listen, I know, parenting is more challenging than you imagined, and for most of us, we weren't equipped to parent the way we should have been.

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But God is good, and we want to give you as much help as we can. We hope this series on the

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Mirrors of Christianity was a blessing, and again, we pray you'll share it with your friends and everyone at church so they too can found their parenting on the unchanging and ever -sufficient

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Word of God. Have a great week. Truth. Love.

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Parents. Is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.