The Godly Home Part 4 — Paul Washer

Marriage, Creation, and Equality in Genesis

OK, we can talk about marriage. The let's just start at the beginning in Genesis chapter one, verse twenty six, the God said, let us make man in our image according to our likeness and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.

God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them. And the first thing that we need to recognize is the male and the female are both created in the image of God and there's no indication whatsoever that one is superior or the other inferior.

There is equality, and this is very, very important. The only problem is in our culture, equality demands sameness, OK, and in the scriptures it does not. What do I mean by that? Today, if someone says the wife should submit to the husband, the rebuttal to that is no, no, they're both created in the image of God, they're equal.

See, we have the idea that because they're both created in the image of God and they're both equal, that one cannot submit to the other. But if we do that, guess what, we've just destroyed the Trinity.

Because the scriptures teach quite clearly, especially in Philippians chapter two, that although the son was in the image of God, he did not grasp or take a hold of equality of God as something to be grasped or something he would not let go of, but he submitted himself.

And so we need to learn that in biblical thought, in the mind of God, equality does not limit the possibility of different roles. My wife and I are equal, but I am a man, she is a woman. We are different before God and we have different roles.

It doesn't mean that one is superior to the other, it just means we're different with different roles. Now, the feminist movement, which probably most women, even women who identify themselves with Christianity have been greatly influenced by, and men, have been greatly influenced by the feminist movement.

Criticism of Feminism and Modern Gender Roles

And the feminist movement tries to portray itself as defending womanhood. The fact of the matter is, it's just the opposite. There's nobody who hates women more than the feminists. They can't stand the idea that a woman is to be held as different from a man.

They cannot stand the fact that a woman, they believe she must be allowed to do the same thing a man is, she's equal to a man, she's like a man. And so what you see is, they hate what a woman is before God, that if a woman says, I want to submit to my husband, they hate that, they hate it.

If she says, I want to stay in my home and manage my home and teach my children, they hate that. Everything that God says a woman is, the feminist movement absolutely despises it. And it's trained also generations now, a couple of generations of women to despise what God says a woman is.

But if you'll notice, the contentment among professional women is at an all-time low. The average woman who goes through medical school and actually becomes a doctor, the average number of years that she works as a doctor after medical school is five years.

Can you imagine paying that much money to work as a doctor for five years? The fact of the matter is, the Bible says that we were created for God and we were created to fulfill certain purposes. When we, because of ungodly evolutionary, feministic teaching, deny everything about what God says with regard to our roles and who we are, we have a mixed-up world that just is miserable, and that's what we've got right now, and that's what we've got.

So there is equality, but there are different roles, different roles. Now, if you go on to Genesis chapter two and verse 18, if you'll notice throughout all of the creation story, every day God says he creates something and he says it is good.

It is good, it is good, it is good, it is good. It's to chapter two, verse 18, then the Lord God said it is not good for a man to be alone. It's not good. I will make him a helper suitable for him. Now, first of all, it's not good for a man to be alone.

Celibacy, Marriage, and the Catholic Clergy

The Bible teaches us that some men are given and we suppose some women are given the gift of celibacy, that they do not need a husband. They do not need a wife. If they are content, that's awful cheery, that they are content to live without a husband and wife because of a special calling of God on their life.

Now, the Catholic Church tried to take this and and turn it into something tremendously ungodly and damaging, and that is to say, anyone involved in the ministry, whether as a priest or a nun, must not marry.

And that is totally contrary to everything that we have in scripture, because even the Apostle Peter was married. And he supposedly is the first pope. Now, he's not, but that's what they say. The real reason why the Catholic Church refused its bishops the right to marry is holy and completely monetary.

As the Catholic religion began to spread abroad, you know that Catholicism not only believes it ought to deal with the souls of men, but that it also ought to control governments. Because of that, bishops became extremely wealthy, which is wrong, but bishops became extremely wealthy.

And when they died, their children inherited all their wealth. Catholic Church came up with the idea, we can't let money like this escape. And so the whole idea was, no, the priest must be celibate. The monk and the nun must be celibate.

But the problem with that is that it is unbiblical. As a matter of fact, it contradicts the very teachings of St. Paul in First Timothy, Chapter three, where he warns that after his death, men would come who would who would declare that that men had to abstain from marriage.

He warns that in the New Testament. And we see that happen after the first few centuries of Catholicism. And it has also led to what you see today, the great scandal in the Catholic Church of pedophilia, homosexuality, lesbianism among the nuns, and also almost in every case in almost every ancient monastery around the world.

You see where they're excavated, excavating and finding countless, countless bodies of babies. Where priests and nuns would have would have relationships, a child would be born and the child would be killed.

You see, all of this is is it's a despising of marriage, OK, that the Bible never places upon a person in the Bible. Sex is a blessing. It is not something to be despised. You see, but it has its context in marriage and only marriage.

Marriage is a good thing. OK, now, so it is not good for a man to be alone. A lot of young men really struggle, really struggle with with temptation terribly. Now, one of the reasons is we are a very sensual culture, all the media, all the stuff that goes on.

Sexual Temptation, Marriage, and Preparing Young Men

But here's another reason I want you to think about this. Let's say that a hundred years ago, a young man awakened to the fact that the opposite sex was something wonderful. Let's say that happened to him around 13.

See, their their awakening time was a lot later. Their innocence was protected. So let's say let's just give it a round number. Let's say 12. But also in most cultures, boys would marry by the time they were set.

Let's say 18. So that's that six years of dealing with a godly desire that cannot be fulfilled. That's six years. But today, boys are awakened when they are eight. Many times and do not marry until they are 30.

That's 22 years of having to fight against a biblical desire. And not being able to fulfill it. Now you see why young men struggle so much, because our culture awakens them too early and doesn't and basically they don't marry till they're so it's so late.

So all these years of fighting against what is actually a good desire that they cannot fulfill because they're not yet married. And that's why you have all the perversion, the extra biblical, the or the fornication and everything that occurs.

And that's why it's so important if you're a man to train your boys to be men as quickly as possible. And to not have them go out and try to marry quickly, but to have them in a position where they can seek a wife early and teach them that it is a good thing.

If your boys, you know, like my boys are 10 and Evan's going to be eight here in just a little while. We already pray for their wives. If and they don't anymore, but if they laugh or act silly when it's brought up, they are rebuked for foolishness.

They are treated that this is a very, very special part of being a man. It is a great privilege and they need to honor their wives now as 10 year olds and eight year olds. They need to honor their wives and they need to be praying for them.

You see, so they don't have a clue about anything sexual, but they do know that one day they will marry and they do know it's a privilege and it's something that they're looking forward to. Like Evan says, he's going to marry and have 10 children.

You say good for him. And and and so it is it is not good for a man to be alone. It's just not. It's not good. And it is a good thing for a man to seek for a wife if he seeks her in the Lord. OK, the same may be said for a young lady, a young lady.

See again, most young people have been raised in a culture where marriage is something bad. Go have fun first. What act like a beast first and then tame your passions later and settle down with one person and get ready for a boring life is look what we're telling people.

It's grotesque. It's grotesque. We'll go out and have some fun first. What? Go out and fornicate with a bunch of people first and then get married. I mean, do you see how horrible that is? It's like beasts.

Now, let me put it this way. OK, exactly what it is. Paganism prior prior to the advent of Christianity in Europe. Paganism. Now, he says I will make a helper suitable for him. Next thing we need to see is the sovereignty of God in the matter to marry outside of consideration of the sovereignty of God and wanting to do God's will is the most dangerous thing you can do.

Marriage as a Sovereign Calling from God

Not only is a Christian supposed to marry another Christian. And really be a Christian, not just somebody who says, yeah, I accept the Jesus. Not only must they marry in the Lord, but they must marry with a keen sense of God's sovereignty.

We're going to see that later. The basis of my marriage is not that Trotter was pretty. It's not that we get along. I believe God has sovereignly and irrevocably called me to lay down my life for a specific woman.

I believe God made her for me and me for her. It is an irrevocable calling. You see now it says it is not good for a man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. In the old translations, it was called I will make him a help me, which means a helper that is corresponding or that corresponds to him, a helper that corresponds to him.

What is that? I will make him a partner that will be exactly what he needs to fulfill what God is doing in his life. What God is doing in him and what God is doing through him, she will be his assistant.

Now you think, well, that doesn't sound too good. No, you've got to understand what's going on here when a woman takes this seriously and says, OK, I'm supposed to help my my husband in this great purpose of this.

Here's the problem. Most husbands are little boys who have never grown up and their only purpose is to buy toys and to play and to do the things that they want to do. And so a woman looks at that and says, I'm supposed to help him do all his fun stuff he likes to do.

See how much bitterness that can cause. But you see, the man was created to be a certain way. What way? We see that man in Jesus Christ. He said, our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Praise be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done.

Jesus Christ, his entire life was set on the advancement of the kingdom of heaven doing God's will. Now, when a woman realizes that she's been called to assist a husband in advancing God's will on Earth and she can see that that husband in his face, he is utter serious.

He is serious about it. He is sacrificing his life, not not for his toys, not for his hobbies, not for his personal gratification, but he is sacrificing his life that the will of God might be done on this planet.

She has it. She's like, yeah, OK, I can assist a man like that, especially when. That man's first priority in that task is to see to the godliness of his wife and the blessing of his wife and the discipleship of his children in the care of his home.

And a woman's going, OK, this man is thoroughly is thoroughly dedicated to the advancement of Christ's will, starting with my life in our home. Yeah, I can assist him in that. I'd be glad to assist him in that.

Yeah, I'll be a helper, but it's when she's got to be a helper to a guy who's just doing personal gratification. Do you see how it and then that's why preachers make me so mad and make me so mad when they go, yeah, well, my wife's supposed to submit to what she's supposed to be the helper, the submissive helper to a man who's totally dedicated to Christ's kingdom being advanced in her and in her children.

And it's pretty amazing to see how it changes everything when you look at it that way. Yeah, now he says in verse. Twenty two, the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which he had taken from the man and brought her to the man.

Now, look, God made this woman specifically for Adam and God brought this woman to Adam. Young men ought to hold this course. You ought to hold this course that there is a woman that has been specifically made for you and God will bring her to you.

That doesn't mean you should just sit in the house and pray, and it doesn't mean you should never talk to a girl. But you need to ask yourself, did God bring this girl? Is this God's doing? OK, and it may be God's doing, but it may not be.

It may be the girl, but it may not be God's time. And that's what I taught on yesterday is the girl. Is she ready to assume that responsibility? Is the boy ready to assume that responsibility? Now, the man said this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.

Leaving Parents and Becoming One Flesh

Here's what's very, very important, as you're going to see here in verse 24, is for this reason, for what reason? Because of this woman, that man is going to leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.

The highest relationship that exists in this world is not the relationship between a mother and her child. The highest relationship that exists in this world is between a husband and his wife. Nowhere does the Bible say that the woman is one flesh with her children or that the father is one flesh with his.

The Bible says that the husband and wife are one flesh, that it's the closest, the most supreme, the most important relationship that exists. That's all there is to it. And he will leave his father and mother, that does not mean he will stop honoring his father and mother.

But what it means is this, his father and mother will no longer be the most important people in his life. His wife will be the most important person in his life. And his primary obligation is to her and not his parents, even though there could be a time when he has to help his parents, even though he should always honor his parents.

But it doesn't mean that he should always obey his parents. It says children obey your parents in the Lord. It does not say adults obey your parents in the Lord. It would be wise to receive their counsel if they are godly.

But when that man separates from his mom and dad, he forms a new family unit. He's responsible for it. And on the Day of Judgment, he'll be called on the carpet to give explanation for his family. It's his job.

It's his job. Now, I like to put it this way. If I was in a boat and I was with my wife and three children and I was the only one who could swim and the boat started to sink. Now, of course, we're going to try to save everybody.

This is just an illustration. But biblically, I saved my wife. Biblically, I saved my wife. Now, here's the point I'm trying to make. How many fathers will say they're terrible husbands, but they're good fathers?

How many mothers will acknowledge they're terrible wives, but good mothers? Both of them are deceived. If you're not a good husband, you're not a good father. You're not a good wife. You're not a good mother.

Period. Because the greatest blessing you can give your children is to love your wife. The greatest blessing you can give your children is to love your husband. If they see their father and their mother loving one another supremely, those children are going to be the most secure children on the planet.

When they start seeing their parents fight and bicker and threaten divorce and everything else, you are going to have some seriously messed up children who see no security. They have no security. It's very difficult for them to learn to trust or anything else, because they're looking at two people who are supposed to have the supreme relationship, and yet they can't even live together.

So the greatest thing that a man can do is love his wife. Now, by a man loving his wife, what does he do? He teaches his sons how to treat a woman, and he teaches his daughter what to expect from a man.

Your daughter is not going to rise above your treatment of your wife. If you treat your wife coarsely and harshly and show her no respect, your daughter will think that's just what men do, and she'll marry a man worse than you, except for the grace of God.

So you see, these are very, very important truths, very important truths. Now, the moment a man says I do to his wife, he says I don't to everybody else in the world. He doesn't just say no to all the other women in the world.

He says no to his best friend. He says no to his mom and dad. He says no to everybody. You are no longer my best friend. You will no longer consume my time. No, I will no longer go out on running around with you guys.

That doesn't mean he won't have friends. It doesn't mean he can't go out hunting with his friends or something like that. It does mean that they don't even come close to look to looking like his primary relationship.

His primary relationship is with his wife. And this is very, very important, especially when you begin to have children. Your primary relationship cannot be your children. You will embitter your wife.

You will embitter your wife, especially when you have young children. You'll have a tendency to believe that your wife is strong and maybe she is strong, that she can exist independently from you. And maybe something of that is true.

But in the long run, it's just not going to work out. Your wife was made to need you. Her spirituality, she is made so that her spirituality depends on you. Now, this is especially dangerous, man, for men like me, because I have a wife that is very, very strong, very independent.

A woman who can stand on her own, who is very strong. And that leaves me a tendency to think my children need me and she doesn't need me that much. The children need discipleship. She doesn't need discipleship that much.

And that's a lie. That's a lie. And it's hurt us. It's hurt us, me looking at her strengths and just assuming she can go on through her day when actually I should be pouring more discipleship into her than I am my children.

And that's something very, very important. Also, just on that note, if you have family devotional times. It's not going to cut it always. You also need personal devotional times with your wife alone without the children.

Doesn't mean you can do that every day, but you really need to think about that. The personal devotional time is also a good provides a good opportunity for your wife to talk. Which is the one thing she most wants to do and the least thing you the least thing you men want to do.

Seem like when I get in bed every night, my wife would want to talk and I'd always tell her, honey, I'll talk with you all night, but you've got to get up with me at four in the morning and it would shut her down.

That's just not right. It's just not right. Men, especially if your wives are homeschooling. Um, your wife before you, before she had children and started homeschooling, she probably listened to Vivaldi, to Andrea Bocelli, and she loved to read good books.

And then that all got replaced with Bob and Larry and Veggie Tales. Pretty soon, she's going to pretty much go wacko, go postal, lose your mind or whatever you want to call it. Another one of my biggest failures is not seeing them.

And she, she wants to talk and here's what's going to happen. And, uh, and I believe this is true. If you do not spend time in good conversation with her, then she is going to come to the point where she's going to desire so much to talk that one or two things are going to happen.

One, she's going to shut down and become embittered or two, she's going to start talking at all the wrong times, especially when you're tired or out. And it's just going to aggravate more. But that fact that she wants to do that is because you blew it.

You blew your opportunity. She's going to try to get some, she's made to converse with you. She's made to need you. So if you don't do that, then what's going to happen is she's either going to shut down or prior to shutting down, she's going to try to get in a word anywhere she can.

And it's always going to be the devil is going to see to it. And maybe even God for your discipline that she does it at the times you least need her to want to be talking to you. You come in from work totally wore out.

Let's say it's been horrible. You come in from the ministry or whatever. Instead of meeting at you at the door quietly, she's going to meet you at the door and tell you everything that's going on that day.

And it's going to sound like nothing coming out of her mouth. And you're just going to be looking at it. And you're going to sit there and get angry because you're going to say she doesn't recognize how much I'm hurting, how tired I am and what I've had to go through.

But God's screaming at you, basically saying this, and she wouldn't be here right now trying to pick up scraps of conversation with you if you would meet with her at the times you're supposed to. Is that hitting home anywhere to anybody?

She ends up being desperate, almost a beggar for conversation. And then it will just exasperate into something even worse. It's amazing, isn't it? Now, I know this not because I'm wise. I know this because I have done it and do it.

Always realize when you listen to somebody teach on marriage and you're sitting there going, man, this guy, does he follow me around? I mean, how does he know all this stuff? He knows all this stuff because he's done it all.

That's how he knows it. The Lord has just kicked him up one end and down the other, you see. Sin will always have repercussions. You know, sin's almost like a monoped. Yeah, it's just got one kicking foot.

But the moment it's released, it turns into an octopus, just spreads out and affects everything everywhere, you see. Irritability with the husband leads to irritability with the children and vice versa.

I mean, just sin just multiplies exponentially. And that's why you have to cut it in the quick, James says, before it is conceived and kills. Because sin is not like a death toll of one. It always comes as a plague, takes everybody out.

Marriage and Conformity to Christ

Now, let's go on now to, I guess we can go to Romans, Romans 8, verse 28. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good, to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.

For those whom he foreknew, he also predestined to become conformed the image of the Son. Now, the purpose of everything is that you be made like Jesus in character. So what is the purpose of marriage?

That through marriage, you will become more like Christ. That's the purpose of it. I would say it's the primary purpose of it. It's not the only purpose, but it's the primary one. Now, what are some of the other purposes?

Some of the other purposes are this, is that the world will look at your love for your wife and say, oh, so that's how Christ loves the church. Or the lost world will look at your actions as a father and say, oh, that's how the heavenly father loves his children.

Marriage and parenthood was given as an illustration or an example to be what God looks like. You know, most children, their image of God is based upon their image of their dad. You get a father who's just like the boy scores 22 points in a basketball game.

And his dad says, first thing he says out of his mouth, there were eight more shots he could have taken. He gets a 97 on his score. He said, why did you miss these three points? That boy eventually becomes a Christian.

He'll kill himself trying to get God to be happy with him. I knew a girl that had been just abused by her father, sexually abused by her father. And after she became a Christian, every time the pastor would say God is our father, she would cringe in her mind.

She would run to Jesus, her brother, because she could not bear to think of a father until God finally healed her and showed her what a real father is like, you see. So everything is to represent who God is.

Confession, Forgiveness, and the Example of Parents

Now, men, especially men, but women, too, you have and you are going to fail each other so much and you have and you will fail your children. If you do not learn to go and ask for forgiveness, you are going to be in trouble.

Now, spouse, when your husband comes and asks for forgiveness using that kind of language, I confess my sin to you. Confess comes from the Greek word homo logeo. Homo meaning same, logeo to speak, to speak the same.

So when the Bible tells you you're angry, confession is when you speak the same. Lord, what you say about me is true. I confess the same thing. I speak the same thing. You say I was angry. I was angry.

I confess it. Now, forgive me. Now, when you mess up, you go to your wife. You need to make sure those words are in your vocabulary. This is what I did. Forgive me. Now, when your spouse comes to you and says, forgive me, do not.

Don't you dare say it's all right. It's not all right. Don't say it's all right. Don't say it. Forget it. Don't say it. You look at them and you say, I forgive you. There's going to be in all of us this thing of, man, I have forgiven.

They come to me one more time and ask me to forgive them for what they've done. I mean, I'm sick and tired of it. We're really so you want to go to hell, huh? What if God looked at you and said, if he asked me for forgiveness one more time, on this specific sin, I'm done with it.

And you're going to hell. When Jesus said 70 times seven, he did not mean forgive them 77 times. Seventy and the multiples and the added seven there. It is referring to an infinite thing. You forgive them.

And if you show bitterness in forgiving them, you have totally missed the boat regarding your standing before Christ. How many certain sins have you? Let's say you've been a Christian for 25 years and God has changed you in many ways.

Many of the sins you had when you started, they're not a problem to you anymore. But I can just bet that there are some sins that still remain with you that you still struggle with. And you've asked the Lord for forgiveness thousands of times.

Remember what he said, forgive the trespasses of others. Forgive me, Lord, as I have forgiven others. You have to forgive. Don't do this thing of it's not important or I don't want to hear it. You don't want to hear it.

Then the next time you ask God for forgiveness, the whole thing in discipline is I don't want to hear it. You see, we marvel in the grace of God, in the mercy of God. And yet we don't want to give grace and mercy to anyone.

God says, come unto me, all who are weary and heavy laden. So your skin, your sins are as red as scarlet and we say, don't tread on me, don't tread on me. There's a limit here. He says here that, oh, let me talk about the children for just a moment.

I have had to go not to Rowy so far, but I have had to go at different times to Ian and to Evan because they're short. I have gotten down on my knees with tears in my eyes and taken both taken them by the hand and said, your father sinned 30 minutes ago against you when I was impatient with you.

I sinned against you. Please forgive me. And they will say, oh, Dad, that's OK. And I have to go. No, it was not OK. Son, I must have your forgiveness and to have the little boy look you in the eye and say, Dad, I forgive you.

And I tell him, son, you must release me. You can't keep me in this bondage. You must forgive me. You must release me. You see that? What a guy told me one time, he says, your your children will forget everyone, forgive every one of your failures if they know that you love them.

And if you confess them, if you confess one day last year toward the end of the school year, Ian couldn't get couldn't get word problems. Charter was helping. Charter was getting frustrated. I said I would help him.

I wrote out a word problem. He couldn't get it. I could realize he really wasn't paying attention, though. I helped him solve it. I wrote out another one and another one and another. I was eventually there an hour and a half and I was getting impatient and I walked out.

He finally got the problem. I walked out of the room. I went back into our bedroom and it was like it was like I walked into a furnace. Who do you think you are? How many times have I had to teach you the same thing over and over and over again?

And there you are sitting with that nine year old boy, a little boy being impatient, being huffy, asking him what's his problem? Why can't he understand this? I mean, it broke me into a million pieces and I had to go out there, get on my knees and ask him to forgive me for my impatience.

That kind of thing, though, will do so much more to promote godliness in your children than even your successes. You have to. Guys, I don't know where I would be without forgiveness. But you know what?

There's never been a time so far when my children have withheld forgiveness from me. But my wife has and I have from my wife. I'm sorry. Look, I'm tired of you saying you're sorry, OK? Look, I'm not going to teach you the Bible by pretending that I'm some great man that all you women ought to wish your husband was like.

I think I hope to be a sincere man, but I'm not going to put that on your husbands nor deceive you women. But isn't it amazing that little children have never withheld their forgiveness, but two adults who are supposedly mature Christians, oh, we may give it, but not really.

I was sharing this afternoon here something that's really funny. Well, it's just enlightening. Anyways, if a husband leaves his dirty underwear on the bathroom floor and his wife walks in and literally blows a fuse because that dirty underwear is on the floor, there's only two options.

The first one is she's got severe emotional problems. Anybody who'd go wacko over some underwear on the floor, I mean, wacko, start yelling, mad at her husband, you know, all kinds of stuff. She's seriously deranged.

That's one possibility. But there's another possibility. The other one is that piece of underwear on the floor was a fuse, just a fuse that ignited all the past sins that she still has not forgiven him.

You see that? They've just been building up, building up, building up one tiny firecracker, one tiny firecracker, one tiny firecracker. And now you got one million and you set that thing off. It's going to go off like TNT.

And that's what happens. That's why men, you and I are too nonchalant about what we did. We don't realize how much it hurts our wives. That's our sin. We're just in a sense that guard things in their heart and become critical and bitter and will not release.

That's why you see a lot more bitter old women than you see bitter old men. Even though you do see bitter old men, you see more bitter old women. Because they have not really forgiven and they wear it on their face and they are in prison.

Jesus said, you will be there until you forgive. You see that? That's very, very important to understand. Very important. Very important. Now, let's get to the main idea here about marriage. The main purpose of marriage is that through it, you become conformed to the image of Christ.

Marriage as an Irrevocable Calling

Now, first of all, marriage is a calling. Marriage is a calling. Okay? It is. I know that God's called me to preach. I know that if I walk away from that calling, I believe I could die. To whom much is given, much is required.

It's an irrevocable calling. This is my lot in life. This is what I do. All right? Marriage is an irrevocable calling. God has called me to lay down my life for one woman. That's it. I mean, you can't, you know, if she's beautiful, praise God.