Understanding Marriage - the Transformed Marriage — David Guzik

This is the final message in the series understanding marriage from Ephesians chapter 5. The title of this teaching is the transform marriage. Let's join our teacher pastor David Guzik speaking at Calvary Chapel Simi Valley Ephesians chapter 5 verse 33.

This is the last in our series going through this marriage passage in the book of Ephesians considering it very carefully and I've Been blessed with my own life to go through this series. And I trust God has something special for us here in this last part of this series.

So let's take a look Ephesians chapter 5 verse 33. The Apostle Paul writes and he says nevertheless. Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

The first word in this verse is nevertheless, which is kind of a strange word to begin this passage with. The word means despite all that. And it's referring to what he just said before it's as if Paul is saying listen moving on past what I just wrote.

Let me wrap things up here. Now. What does he have to move past beyond? Why does he begin this verse with nevertheless? I think we have to go back a little bit and see Paul's train of thought here. Way back in the beginning of Ephesians chapter 5 Paul was writing about the spirit-filled life.

And he said how when a person's really filled with the Spirit of God, it's going to show up in three characteristics. It's going to be a life marked by praise it's going to be a life marked by gratitude and it's going to be a life of submission and then having brought up the Aspect of submission in Ephesians chapter 5 verse 21.

Then Paul begins in three different sections to discuss submission in the Christian life in three Important spheres. The first one is in marriage the second sphere is in the parent and child relationship.

And the third one is in the workplace the employer employee relationship. And so he deals with marriages in Ephesians chapter 5 in the first few verses of Ephesians chapter 6 He deals with parents and children and then in the next few verses in Ephesians chapter 6 He deals with the employer employee relationship.

And so since he has the whole idea of Submission and principles regarding submission in mind. He first speaks to the wives. I mean Paul didn't first speak to the wives in Ephesians 5 passage because they're the worst offenders in marriage.

And they really need to be focused on. No, that's not the reason at all. Nor is it just out of some kind of polite ladies first kind of consideration. No, his broader idea is submission. And so he says let me talk to you about submission in marriage and wives have a special duty to submit.

Remember, we'll just read it there Ephesians chapter 5 beginning at verse 22. He says wives Submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife is also Christ is head of the church and he is the Savior of the body.

Therefore just as the church is subject to Christ. So let the wives be to their own husbands and everything. Now in this Paul clearly emphasized the importance of a wife's submission by connecting it to a wife's Obedience to the Lord.

That's what he meant when he said wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. He didn't mean submit to them exactly in the same way you submit to God. You know God never commands that in a human relationship does he never?

Never does God say? Here's two human beings one in submission to another and the one in submission to the other has to submit to them exactly as they Would submit to God no. For example, God tells us as Christians that we should submit to the government.

It would be subject to the governing authorities. It says in Romans chapter 13 and we have to understand that Christians are to submit to the government at the same time. It's not an absolute command to submit because if the government tells me to stop preaching the gospel I'm not going to submit to it.

The government tells you to stop praying or to stop following Jesus Christ. You're not going to submit to that. So you see it's a general command to submit, but we understand there's exceptions to it.

The only person who demands are constant unqualified unquestioned. Absolute submission is God in heaven alone. And so we talked about exceptions to a wife's submission in marriage and we talked about four of them.

First of all, if the husband Commands the wife to do something that's sinful. That's just clearly disobedient according to God's Word. Well, then the wife isn't under the command to submit and she has a higher command to be to be obedient to God in that situation.

Secondly, we saw that a wife does not have to submit to the husband if the husband commands her to abide in an adulterous relationship. Here's the husband. He's committing adultery and he says what what you just have to cope with it, dear.

That's all there is to it. No, the Bible says that she has the right to come out from submission to him and to and to divorce him. The Bible also tells that the wife doesn't have to submit to the husband if the husband is Incapacitated by mental or physical illness if the man is beside himself.

Well, then then the wife doesn't have that obligation and in the same way the wife doesn't have to submit to her husband's physical abuse. Now we know that these cases may be or at least they should be rare and if a wife finds herself in one of these four Situations she still must act like a Christian.

But she doesn't have to submit to her husband's direction. This is simply the way submission works on a human level. Again, I just dropped before you again that the principle of our submission to the government.

We're given a command in the scriptures to submit to the government, but it's not absolute. Absolute submission is due to God and God alone. But apart from those hopefully rare exceptions Paul gave a pretty strong command of the wives to submit and pretty compelling reasons to do so.

I mean he says in that text there that we just read that first of all She must submit just because it's part of her obedience to Jesus Christ. That's what he means as as unto the Lord you're to submit to your husband's as a part of your obedience to Jesus.

He tells you to do this so wise if you love the Lord if you want to honor Jesus Christ and submit to your husband's. Secondly, she must submit because of the husband's headship and all that that headship means in the order of creation.

You notice that in Ephesians chapter 5 where he says for the husband is the head of the wife. And he means an awful lot by that not the least of which is this is a place that God has given the man in Marital relationship wives you need respect that that's why you need to come under submission to your husband.

Then thirdly the wife must submit to the husband because the marriage relationship is Patterned after the relationship between Jesus and his people. And the followers of Jesus are expected to submit to him, right?

And so when Paul goes on in Ephesians chapter 5 and he says therefore just as the church is subject to Christ. So let the wives be to their own husbands and everything well. We understand what he's mean we have a pattern for the marital relationship and consistent with that pattern wives submit to your husband's.

Then Paul turned his attention to the husband's didn't he? I mean his larger topic was submission as an aspect of walking in the spirit. That's why he addressed wives first because they have a special obligation to submit in the marriage relationship at the same time.

Paul knows very well that the husband has obligations to fulfill right. Paul's no fool. He looks at the marital relationship, and he says yes the wife has her obligations before God. But so does the husband and Paul says I'm not going to talk just to the wives because if I talk only to the wives I know those thick-headed husbands.

They'll walk away from there thinking They don't have an obligation in the world in their marriage just their wives so it's okay. I've dealt with the wives all says now Let me speak to you husbands, and so he addresses them emphasizing the sacrificial love that a husband must have for his wife.

Look at it there Ephesians chapter 5 beginning at verse 25. He says husbands Love your wives. Justice Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her that he might Sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word that he might present her to himself a glorious church.

Not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church.

We saw in this how first Paul set a very high standard for the husband's love. Didn't he he said husbands a gaffe your wife a gaffe drawing on that ancient Greek word which describes a Sacrificial love a love that's based not in feelings.

But in decision and he said husbands you make a decision to show sacrificial love to your wives, and that's a high standard. But if it's possible then Paul even set the standard even higher not just saying a gaffe.

But he says let's go back to the pattern that he already mentioned before this pattern of Jesus's relationship with his people. I mean Paul said that a wife should submit to her husband the way that Christians should submit to Jesus.

But at the same time a husband should love his wife the way that Jesus loves his people, right? So then Paul draws the husband's into an understanding of how they should love their wives. He says you should love them as a part of their own bodies or love them as himself.

In other words Paul really emphasized the point that a husband must see that God has made he and his wife one and Everything that they do in the marriage relationship should be done with an eye to that oneness to that unity.

Paul follows hard on this point as he comes to Ephesians chapter 5 verse 28. Let's pick it up at verse 28. This is what it says. He says so husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself or no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it.

Just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of his body of his flesh and of his bones for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and The two shall become one flesh.

This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ at the church now. Do you see what Paul's kind of playing the ping-pong match here? He's dealing with two issues at once. On the one hand he's dealing with marriage.

He says let me teach you about what the Bible says about the Christian marriage. This ideal that God has for Christian husbands and Christian wives. Here we go. This is the ideal over here. And then on the other hand, he turns.

He says let me teach you about this relationship between Jesus and his people. Because really the relationship between Jesus and his people is the pattern for the relationship between the husband and the wife and so part of the time he's talking about Jesus and his people part of the time he's talking about the husband and the Wife and well, he goes back and forth the problem is once Paul gets talking about the relationship between Jesus and his people he gets pretty excited and He's going on and on about it.

He goes on he says for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two Shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery. But I speak concerning Christ in the church in other words when he's talking about two coming together into this unity.

He's not talking about the marriage relationship though. It applies there. He's really talking about the unity that Jesus wants to have with you his child. Think about that. Have you ever seen a married couple that were so close that it was almost scary.

They could read each other's minds. They thought of each other continuing. You know what I'm talking about. They started looking like each other. You know the years go on and pretty soon you look back and you go they they're starting to look a lot.

You see there's a oneness there, right? There's an incredible profound oneness there. Jesus wants to have that kind of oneness and even more with you. And so we think wow Paul you're teaching us these deep Powerful things about this relationship between Jesus and his people and this and then Paul says whoa, whoa, wait a minute I was talking about marriage wasn't I?

That's where he gets back to verse 33. Look at it there. He's it's less if he's saying no, I know I got off the topic a little bit. So let's come back to the matter of marriage and I'll sum it up for you nevertheless, he says Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

You see I got to this point. Now what's he say in verse 33? Well, first of all, he speaks to husbands doesn't he? Says let each one of you in particular and that's a little tough to say whether or not that phrase Refers to both husbands and wives or just the husbands.

I don't think it really matters one way or the other because the point of it is true for both. Let each one of you means that everyone is included. We can say this about all the teaching on marriage. It's easy to say.

Well, you know, I'm just not that sort of person. So I'll never do it very well. Husbands don't we do that sometimes? We see this great command for sacrificial love and oneness and unity with their wives.

And we just kind of say, you know, I'm not really that kind of guy. I'm more like the Marlboro man, you know, really tough and and you know self-reliant and I'm just kind of like that. You know, I'm just I'm the loner type and that's me.

Paul says nah, let each one of you. Yeah you Marlboro man you Don't care if you look at yourself as well, you know, I'm that kind of strong silent loner type, you know I'll never open up to my wife that way.

God says no, I want you to do it. Let each one of you each one of you. He's not letting anybody off the hook. You know in the same way sometimes wives do it. Sometimes wives just well, you know, I'm just not the submissive sort.

She is over there. You know, I I see she is that's fine, you know, but I'm just not that kind. It's not wired that way. But God looks at you and says no, we're gonna work on that in your life. This is the command.

It doesn't change for you. This is what I want to do in your life. I want to build this submission in you and we can excuse all sorts of things by our own disposition, right? Well, you know, it's easy for her.

It may be easier for her. Maybe just by nature. She's a more Deferring a more a more submissive person will be great. It's easier for her but doesn't mean that command doesn't apply to you. God says here take a look at this.

This is what I want to make you. Here we go. Let each one of you is a strong command no matter what our natural disposition is. We all have a target to shoot for and let each one of you in particular.

Means that we should all set our eyes and our target on the target that the Bible points out for us. So what is it that men need to do look at it there in verse 33? Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself.

You see that we're back on our emphasis. Paul is stressing the unity that a husband must recognize. And let's shape his thinking in his actions. He's saying husbands. Let's grab a hold of this now. Love your wife as yourself and it doesn't mean love her just the same way that you love yourself.

What he means is love her because she is a part of yourself. She's part of you. You are connected with her. There's a oneness there a unity there and what you need to do is understand it. Appreciate it and let it begin to fill your thinking and your actions and once the husband begins to grasp this Essential unity between himself and his wife once he begins to understand that the Bible says the two shall become one flesh.

Then a whole different area opens up in his mind and his thinking about marriage. You know unity is the central principle in marriage and it's because so many people in this modern world have never had any Conception of what's involved in marriage from the standpoint of unity that they ride to it So loosely and that they break the marriage covenant so easily.

That they've never really caught sight of this ideal of unity in the marriage of a oneness. And so what you have is you have two people living together. But each with their own agenda each living together as individuals and each trying to bring each other into their side.

He's trying to bend the other's will towards one another and so you have two people and they're still thinking in terms of their Individuality and asserting their own rights and therefore you get clashes and you get discord you get separation.

Paul says listen, I've got to answer for all of that die to self and understand this great principle of unity. See when a man enters a marriage he enters a new unity that breaks all previous bonds. I mean before the man had an obligation to his parents, right?

He was under his bed. Look at it there verse 31 for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother. Once he was under them. He was under their headship. But no now he leaves that and now he's joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.

You see there was a Previous relationship now, there's a different relationship a new unity. No longer is the case that his chief obligation is towards his parents. No, he's left that now. His primary obligation is towards his wife.

I Think it's fascinating about this. Is this is so distant this truly biblical way of thinking is so distant from us that we almost scratch our heads. What what is he talking about? You see that this is the way we do it is.

A man lives at his mother and father's house as he's a young man growing up. But he doesn't live under his mother and father. He lives unto himself. And he lives that way for a while and then he goes out and he's single and for as many years as he wants to be.

A single he lives unto himself. Self obsessed self-consumed. He lives unto himself and then he gets married and what does he do? He lives unto himself. But with a wife. But the whole time he's just living unto himself.

He didn't live unto anybody else when he was in his home nor when he was on his own nor with his wife. That's his no. No, you know when you're in your parents home, you're under their authority. Their heads over you.

They have a god-appointed headship child you're under the headship of your parents period and You need to recognize that and respect it and grant deference to your parents, but that ends. You enter into this relationship with your bride and that old Deference that the husband used to pay to his parents now.

He still honors them because the biblical command on your father mother continues, but he doesn't know the same. Submission or deference to his parents. No, that's broken. Now renew relationship is made a relationship in which he is the head.

But there is never the thought of the man living unto himself. I Mean his chief loyalty is to his parents or it's to his wife. The idea that his chief loyalty would be to himself would make the Apostle Paul scratch his head.

It's a what? You're a Christian, aren't you? We do living unto yourself. You say well, I don't live at home or I don't live with the wife. He said well. Then your chief loyalty better be Jesus Christ and it better bleed out of everything that you do.

Everybody be able to see that's a man whose chief loyalty is to Jesus. See in practice this man who's married now. No longer does he see himself primarily as a child of his parents? But now he sees himself as a husband of his wife and it's a staggering thing.

You see when you come to a marriage ceremony. And you see the actual breaking of an old relationship might say the modification of an old relationship. It's no longer the same as it was it goes and it modifies and it comes into a new and you see a new Oneness a new family formed right in front of your eyes and that new married state has precedence over every other human relationship.

That's what Paul's saying here. Look at verse 33. So love his wife as himself. Husbands understand let your heart latch on to this principle of oneness and unity. Never again husband should your thinking just be for yourself.

No, you think about your life your planning your future your hopes your dreams your aspirations. Everything that you set your heart upon your wife has to be included because you're one now. What does he say to the wife?

Look at it there verse 33. And Let the wife see that she respects her husband. Now you notice the opening words there let the wife see. He's calling the wife to pay special attention here. Let the wife see in other words.

This may be a point where many wives might excuse themselves for one reason or another but Paul emphasizes let the wife see. We'll see what? Let the wife see that she respects her husband. I have to say what I'm going to talk about right here.

It's almost a little bit difficult to talk about knowing the way our culture thinks and such. I'll just stand on the very safe ground of knowing what the Bible says here, though. When Paul says let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Respects is a pretty soft translation of the Greek word used there. You know the old King James translated it reverence. In many passages of your Bible the Bible takes that same ancient Greek word and translates it fear.

It's the ancient Greek word Phobos from which we get our term phobia from it has to do with a reverential awe with a deference. With a saying I'm gonna I'm gonna honor this man. I'm gonna reverence this man for example when the disciples saw the Majesty and the power of Jesus in calming the storm or doing spectacular miracles over nature.

The Bible says that they had this kind of Phobos this reverence this respect for Jesus except in the Gospels. It translates it fear. That's a very heavy word, isn't it? Of course, there's different kinds of fear aren't there?

I mean, there's the fear of danger. There's the fear of punishment. There's the fear of abuse. None of those kind of fears are we talking about in the marital relationship? What we're talking about is a fear or a reverence that comes from respect that comes from honor.

It almost sounds laughable to say this today. I mean could we say today that the wife is to respect the husband so highly that it points in the direction of a reverential awe. Okay, the wives say come on.

What are you talking about? You know, one of the interesting things that shapes our thinking along these lines. I really believe is the media. You know when I was a kid I used to love to come home from school and we watched the programs on on I think was channel 5 back then the afternoon programs and I love that you have the rifleman you had highway patrol and Sea hunt.

I love sea hunt and then you had father-knows-best. Wasn't father-knows-best a great program. Now, you know in that program that the father The I believe the family Treated him with what Paul's talking about here with a respect with a reverence.

Oh, they didn't roll out the red carpet in front of him or bow down before him. But you could tell he was respected. He was honored in the home. His decisions meant something there was an honor. There was respect.

I mean, it was just and this was just a depiction of regular everyday family here. This is the family here. Of course it was Hollywood, but it was what Hollywood wanted to depict then that this was a popular television series for many years.

Now think about just about any television series in the last 20 years. Think about what the husband and the father in that family looks like. He's the biggest dope in the family, isn't he? He's a fool.

And he's the guy that needs to be rescued from every situation. He's the guy that doesn't get any respect because he didn't deserve any respect. And people live in it. Well, look at that. Now I'm not trying to say that there's some kind of conspiracy or anything like that.

No, no far from it. I'm just saying that this is the direction which our culture is thinking that we have Completely departed from this idea that the husband and the family or the father and the family should deserve some kind of honor or reverence.

And then because God has appointed him as the head in the family. It comes in very subtle places. I I almost hate to bring this up because it you might think I'm Making it sound like some vast conspiracies and which I don't think it is at all.

But I even noticed it in kids books that I would read to my children. I mean we'd sit down we would you knew one series of books? We'd love to read him for it's a good moral stories the Berenstain Bears.

And I'd read the Berenstain Bears stories to the kids and I know I have about four or five of them. I've noticed this father bear is a stone-cold fool. And you know what it's the mom who's the competence mother bear who's Competent and sharp and she's the one always fixing everything and that and I said it started bothering me after a while.

Why'd the father bear have to be the biggest fool in the whole story? He's stupider than the kids. Ah, but mother bear. Well, she was always wise and helpful and she fixed up the messes. So over and over again, it's just well reverential ah towards the pump.

What are you talking about? Friends let's realize we don't we don't have our thinking as Christians. We don't base our thinking upon media or upon books or upon television shows. You know that all that stuff may pour into us.

But we recognize if it pours into us we have response to those Christians to say no with stop. This is the Bible. This is what's going to shape my thinking and when it says right here Let the wife see that she respects her husband.

We recognize that it says that the wife is to treat her husband with deference. She's to recognize the biblical and Christian view of marriage. She's to regard her husband as the head. She said listen God brought me into a new oneness a new unit and my husband is the head of that.

Now they're both one but there's a head to the unity. Just as much as your body is a unity, right? Your body has a oneness you cut off your arm and see how long it lasts outside of your body. No, I mean everything your body is a oneness.

It's a unity. The friends you that unity has a head there's only one head on your body. And that's how the Bible says that this is the conception in which the biblical families offer. So what it means is that the wife?

Is to have a deference that she formally paid to her parents now. She's supposed to pay it to her husband. We see the same dynamic at work that we see growing up so many homes in such a cultural dynamic here I mean here now.

We have a thing where where a girl grows up and she has very little conception of headship from her father and mother. I mean she doesn't show deference or respect or honor towards them. And she grows up just thinking if she lives on to herself and then she comes into a married relationship.

Do you think she's going to show deference or respect towards her husband? No. No, because she her idea. I live unto myself. And we go the husband he loves into himself and lives unto himself and the wife she lives under herself.

You're never going to have the kind of biblical unity and oneness in a marriage that God has intended. So there's to be no paying of deference to a third party. The husband and wife they don't pay deference.

They're not under submission to His parents or her parents or any other outside person know that there are a standing unit on their own before God. So they they recognize that and they rejoice in it. The command goes out to the wife let the wife see that she respects honor reverence is her husband and that's a tremendous Adjustment that she has to make she submits to him.

She must not strive with him. She must recognize that this is the essence of the married relationship that she pays this deference towards him now. We could take verse 33 here. And indeed the whole text that we've been considering if I could boil it down to two principles that must govern our thinking.

And all of our actions as married people I'd boil it down to these two husbands. Understand that you and your wife are one that you're a unity. That's how God has made you that's what God has put together.

God has put that together. When you understand that when you allow that to begin to transform your thinking and dominate your thinking in your actions. You'll notice a dramatic change in your marriage husbands.

You're one with your wife think like it and act like it. Then the great message to wives is simply this wives. You understand that that unity has a head and you're not it. Your husband is the head of that unity.

Sometimes a wife will want to say well, we don't need to have a head. You know, let's just be 50 -50, you know, it's equal partners. First of all, it's not what the Bible says. Secondly, you know, that's not how it works.

We don't have a head means I'll let him be the head sometimes and I'll be the head sometimes. But the Bible says no the husband is to be the head in the home. I Think it's amazing how in this marital relationship each one of the partners is very quick to grasp and Want to have dominate the others principle.

Let me explain to you what I mean wives are quick to embrace and understand the husband's principle the principle of oneness. I think it's like instinctive within a woman. She she understands. She has an instinctive understanding of this oneness and the desire for it and it's there to cultivate it and to have it together.

And she says yes, that's how to come on husband. Aren't you gonna understand this gonna get through your thick head? We're one why don't you ever think like that once you ever act like that? Come on husband and the wife says I want that to be the governing principle of the marriage.

The wife wants to shout from the house up. Nothing ever is going to change in this marriage until you recognize the oneness husband. Come on. She's very quick to grasp on then to latch on to that then again the husband.

He's very quick to embrace and understand the wife's principle and the principle to the wife is a there's a head in that unity. Right and the head is the husband and so the husband says look this is it wife.

This is this is the principle we need to grab a hold of in this marriage. This is what needs to be the governing principle in our marriage that the gods put ahead in this family and it's me. And they want to shout it from the house stuff.

They look this is it. How can look we're never gonna fix anything in this marriage until we understand who is appointed to be the head here. Come on, we got to get this settled first. So, which do you have to settle first the oneness or the headship which has to be settled first.

Yes is the answer. Listen, the simple answer is you leave your spouse up to the Lord so wife I Know you have an instinctive grasp of the oneness and and you think that that should be the most important principle and it is the Most important principle for your husband.

Why don't you think about what your most important principle is? That is recognizing the headship of your husband. Now husband, I know you boy. You're excited about this headship thing and You're at you think you know what?

This is what has to get straight first. You just leave that up to the Lord and you focus on what God says to you. And he says grab a hold of this oneness. Let it dominate your thinking and your actions.

The whole key is we must let our principle govern us. When you have a husband who thinks I'm one with my wife and I have to think and act that way. And then you have a wife who thinks my husband is the head of our oneness and I need to respect and to defer to Him as the head you'll have a healthy biblical marriage.

That's all there's to it. But as long as you have the the wife trying to promote her side and the husband all he's trying to promote his side. Then what you have you have Individuals. Campaigning for their own rights and that's all about self.

It's not all about love. See in the in the true biblical marriage that the man is given headship and he loves his wife as himself. He never abuses his position because he realized he loves his wife as himself and then you have a woman.

She's submitting to this great this glorious ideal. And she's never afraid that she's going to be taken advantage of it. It should be stepped all over. Husband wife they're both dealt with you've got a balance.

That's perfect. It's complete. And you have a Christian marriage a biblical marriage. It's all built on that foundation. You know God knew how to set it up this way. Because he knew that that within the heart of that man.

That that man has a heart that just longs to know that he's somebody. To feel that he's respected that somebody honors him and where he should be getting that first and foremost is at home. But when he comes home and every decision he makes it's called into question every opinion of his is counterbalanced.

I mean, there's nothing it just feels like he's snipped at and attacked and there's no one that well when he's feeling like that. He says well, I don't get any respect any honor here at all. What's going to happen he was his ears going to be open to hearing that voice from the outside that would respect and honor and.

Then you have that wife. All she wants is to be close to somebody and feel a oneness with somebody and God has intended that this should be that way with her husband. That's where the oneness should be but her husband just blind to it.