Overcoming marriage difficulties — A.J. Higgins

Tonight's meeting in many ways is the most difficult of all of the meetings to to handle and the reasons being that there is the greatest danger of diverting into a lot of side issues and side sermons almost and also there is the Possibility that some might think that this would have the most limited application and appeal to many in the sense that if I'm not having problems in my marriage and if I Have a very cooperative spouse than what I had what you're really taking up is of little value.

But I would like I hope and trust with the help of the Spirit of God to show general principles that have a wide application beyond simply marriage, so Just to again give you an idea where we're going I want to speak about when it comes to resolving difficulties defining the foe.

Defining the Foe in Relationship Difficulties

Defining who the foe really is. Then we will look at dangerous factors we will consider developing a framework and finally daring the formidable taking The plunge in trying to make changes in relationships, so let me just start then with defining the foe.

I Want to just mention a mentality? which is crucial. Now by mentality what I mean is a mindset a way of looking at things that is crucial. Never. Think when there is a relationship difficulty that the problem is the other person.

Always have a we mentality. You might say that sounds fancy show it to me in Scripture, but that's why we read Genesis 13. Abraham does not come to a lot and say lot. You've got a problem Lot you know the problem is that ever since you got rich at my expense Your men have been having problems with my men and lot.

You've got to get this thing taken care of. Abraham comes and says lot we have a relationship and Our relationship is being destroyed by something else by strife. Our relationship is too important. Can you see what is happening when Abraham does that it's not now me against you it's us against it and the moment we Adopt a mentality that says it's me against you or it's us against them.

Then the problem arises that we begin to get polarized and we begin to get into a way of thinking that is unscriptural. Isn't that exactly What Matthew 18 teaches? That if you're if you've got something if your brother's offended you go to him not to set him straight.

Not to get you a pound of flesh not to make sure he knows you're right, and he's wrong, but go to him. That you might gain your brother. To value others so highly that I will let nothing hinder a relationship that God has established.

Now you can see it has a much wider application. I know we're talking about marriage tonight, but you can see that the biblical illustration is always To seek to go to not win over another person. But it is to recognize a relationship that is so valuable.

That we will not allow this problem to destroy our relationship. Yes, you may say the Remedy was extreme in Abraham's case that Lot and Abram had to separate but nevertheless Abraham was concerned about the relationship so to approach a problem as though my spouse is the difficulty or my spouse and her family are the Difficulty or my spouse and the children of the difficulty is to fail to realize the scriptural pattern.

That relationships are of such tremendous value. That we should not allow other things to spoil that relationship a Mentality that is crucial but Honesty is critical. Honesty is critical to go to a person to solve a difficulty and to have a hidden agenda.

To have your mind already made up and that somehow you're going to manipulate and Work then into intimidation. To go with the profession of trying to sort something out but not to be honest is a deceptive hypocritical unspiritual approach.

Receiving the Word With an Honest Heart

I realize that the parable of Luke chapter 8 and Matthew 13 We use primarily in the gospel and that is very very correct and we will all keep doing that. But I cannot help but think that there is a principle there relative to every every reception of the Word of God.

Not just those who are sinners listening to it, but even believers listening to the Word of God and You recall the seed that bears fruit. The Lord Jesus said in his interpretation that The seed that bore fruit.

Were those who in an honest? and good heart Receive the Word of God and it bears fruit 30 -60 hundredfold and so on. Every time we hear the Word of God ministered whether it's relative to what we're talking about tonight or any other subject It will only bear fruit To the measure in which I am honest before God about my condition about my need and What that word is saying to me?

How often do we sit in a ministry meeting? How often do we sit in a conference gathering or Bible reading and as the as the Word of God is being ministered and it Begins to touch home. We start playing mental games.

First is there something about the speaker that I can Just bring to mind to kind of lessen the impact of what he's saying. And if I can't do that, then I start thinking is there someone around me that maybe this message has a even a more personal application than it does to me and I become very generous with it.

See that's not an honest heart. Is it that's not a willingness to allow the Word of God to have its influence in my own life so to sit down with another believer to sit down with a spouse and say we are going to read and pray and try to resolve our problem and really your mind is already made up and You're just going to use the scripture as a as a club to try to club someone over the head with to make them See it as you do.

That's not really an honest heart. That's a hidden agenda. So honesty is critical. Lastly digging is painful. Digging is painful to find the real source of a difficulty. To get beyond the surface issues to get beyond the nice Righteous labels we put on things to justify our own conscience.

To actually get to what the issue is can be a very painful very difficult thing. It is only with a spirit of honesty With The Word of God before us and with waiting together as a couple upon God that the real issue can be uncovered.

We spoke of that last night the power struggles that go on that use some Superficial excuse as a as a reason for it. But to really get to what the problem really is. Defining the foe is not something that occurs easily.

To find problems are not really as Simple a task and simple an exercise as it may seem on the surface. But wherever there is a difficulty between Christians to really sort out what really is the basis?

What's what's really at the bottom of it? Requires pain and honesty Before God, so let me just then leave that and move on just again to underline for you defining the foe. Now let me give you very hurriedly Some dangerous factors, and I will only touch on one or two of these because time will not allow it.

Dangerous Factors That Hinder Reconciliation

I want to talk about poor communication skills. I want to talk about poor comprehension. I want to talk about poor control of anger and poor conflict resolution now that may sound very heady. Let me just bring it down to everyday life.

Communication Lessons From Ruth

Turn with me if you will to the book of Ruth. I know we shouldn't have favorite portions of scripture, but Ruth to me is a goldmine. Delightful in so many ways look at the book of Ruth in chapter 2. Now maybe before I say this it'll just help you to know where I'm going with this portion.

I want to talk for a few minutes about communication and We can talk about degrees of communication. We can talk about Difficulties in communication, but I just want to now talk about these degrees of communication.

Just notice very briefly. We'll go back over it after we read these verses begin in verse number four. And behold Boaz came from Bethlehem and said of the Reapers the Lord be with thee and they answered him the Lord bless thee.

Then said Boaz unto a servant that was said or the Reapers whose damsel is this and the servant that was sort of the Reapers answered and said it is the Moabites damsel that came back with Naomi out of the country of Moab and She said I pray you let me glean and gather after the Reapers among the sheaves.

So she came had continued even from the morning until now. She tarried a little in the house. Then said Boaz unto Ruth hear us. I'll not my daughter go not to glean in another field neither go from hence.

But abide here fast by my maidens. Let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap and go low after them and have not I charge the young men that they Shall not touch thee when I were to thirst go on to the vessels and drink of that which the young men have drawn.

Then she fell on her face and bowed herself to the ground and said unto him Why have I found grace in an eyes that thou shouldst take knowledge of me seeing? I am a stranger and Boaz answered and said unto her it's been fully showed me all that thou hast done unto thy mother-in-law since the death of thine husband.

How thou hast left thy father and my mother in the land of thy nativity and I'd come unto a people which thou knowest not. Heretofore the Lord recompensed I work and a full reward be given thee of the Lord God of Israel under whose wings thou art come to Trust and she said let me find favor and I cite my lord for that thou has comforted me.

Thou has spoken friendly or rather thou has spoken unto the heart of thine handmaid. Though I be not like unto one of thine handmaidens I'm sure God will bless the Reading of this delightful portion of the Word of God communication now it may seem like we suddenly are leaving the spiritual for the Skills that have to do with everyday life, but I want to assure you that Communication is vital to every relationship we have even as believers.

I'd like to show you what I call levels of Communication five different levels at which individuals communicate and I'll show you the application of this in a moment. Look at verse number four. Boaz comes from the field and says to the Reapers the Lord bless thee the Lord be with thee and the Lord bless thee.

That's the equivalent of our hi. How are you today feeling? Well, thanks. Nice day. Goodbye. Okay, just uh, you know, all you know is the person can hear and they can speak English. You really know very little else.

You don't even know if they're really that well. Everyone says I'm fine. Thank you. How are you fine? Thank you. You know, you're not going to say I sprained my ankle very badly and it's black and blue and I can't walk on it.

And so on you just keep going on with life. So You know, that's a very informal level of communication, which is fine. There's nothing wrong with it. It has its place. But then look at verse number five and verse number six.

Then said those on the Reapers whose damsel is this and then he proceeds to tell him who she is in verses six and seven. Now something more is happening. Information is being transferred, isn't it? But just facts nothing else.

You don't know whether this man thinks it's good or bad. You don't know whether he really thinks she's a great girl or she all you know is he's giving information. Just giving information. Come a little further in this section.

Look at verse number eight. Then said Boaz unto Ruth. Here is thou not my daughter. Go not to glean another field and so on. Let that eyes be on this field. Verse 9. I've charged the young man that not to touch thee when you're thirsty come and drink and so on.

Now there's something more than just an informal exchange here something more than just information being exchanged. You're beginning to see what this man Boaz values. He respects this woman. He's communicating to her what he thinks is is good.

Look still further. Look at verse number nine. Now when you look at at Ruth herself. Or rather verse 10 then she fell on her face and bowed herself to the ground. Why have I found grace in that eyes that thou shouldst take knowledge of me seeing?

I am a stranger. Now you begin to get a real impression of this this young woman. Don't you a woman who appreciates and a woman who was able to have a humble thankful spirit? Until finally you come to their last communication and.

What you now are getting art is not just an informal exchange. Not just information being transferred not just Impressions of what is valued not just ideals, but now you're getting insight into people's character.

Now this may sound like that's all well and good. What's that got to do with what we're talking about. How much of our communication with our spouses is at the first level. Have a nice day. Yeah, it's cold outside.

Take your coat. See you later and our communication stays. Maybe at that level. Maybe sometimes it gets to Information you look horrible in that dress, you know you know, maybe it gets and. Maybe sometimes a little bit more meaningful.

It should be at the level that Boaz and Ruth communicated at the end you have spoken to my heart. Communication is vital in our relationships. Now. Let me just back up a moment. Because I'm gonna make this broader with one fell swoop.

Communication With God and Vulnerability in Marriage

What about your communication with God is your prayer life limited to just telling God facts. Just information. Is that the extent of your prayer life or. Do you really get down to where you are revealing yourself to God in prayer where the the highest aspirations of your heart that the deepest longings of your heart are open before God and God sees Through and through now.

I know God sees us through and through to begin with but are we just Exposing ourselves, that's what communion communication Is really based isn't or rather communion is really based on communication.

It's a it's an unveiling of ourselves. It's a an exposing of ourselves. That is the very reason we have difficulty with communication because the Greater the level of communication the more we are exposing ourself to another person.

So you don't go to the convenience store to buy a gallon of milk and tell the person who takes your money the deepest longings Of your heart, you know, it's just not appropriate. You know, it's just thanks very much.

Here's a nice day. Goodbye. That's appropriate for that level. But when it comes to a life partner when it comes to a spouse God expects communication to be meaningful. But the more meaningful the more I reveal of myself and the more vulnerable I become to another person and we don't like that.

Because we want our little defense. We want our little island of safety where we cannot be hurt by another person so as a result, we have erected barriers to communication and Communication suffers between spouses.

But the reason I'm coming to this is that before ever issues are resolved there needs to be open honest. Communication at every level not just facts. But there and sometimes what we do is we give facts and we play a game we expect you to think to know then.

What we really value and don't value now you guess what I'm in favor of okay. But to really reveal ourselves is vital in this whole issue. Difficulties or dangers in communication. Difficulties in communication.

Foreign languages fighting languages and false languages. Let me just take one of them. Because there isn't time. Let me talk about foreign languages we sometimes Speak different languages to each other.

You know what I mean, I mean most of you I'm sure have traveled in foreign countries and You know what it's like if you're in a foreign country and You don't understand the language at all. You walk around totally oblivious to everything that's happening and Suddenly out of nowhere you hear somebody speaking your language another foreigner who speaks your language and They may be saying the most trifling thing.

But your ear picks up and you're tuned to it and yet you listen to it because it's your language. Many times couples do not speak the same language and as a result they drift and they develop Detachment what do I mean?

We touched last night on The fact that our differences in makeup between men and women do create different concepts and words. Let me just take one of them biblically for just a moment. I have sat with individuals and their lament has been.

He no longer loves me or she no longer loves me and the other person is insisting that they really do and No, you don't and you know What's happened? Well, if I were to tell you that as human beings we speak different languages of love and If you don't speak my language then we're in trouble, what do I mean?

How was it that Boaz communicated love? To Ruth. Primarily up until the end when he does purchase her and make her his bride. How is he communicating love to Ruth? It's communicating by his words, isn't he by what he says?

His words of appreciation is his words of praise for her his words of comfort to her. So for Boaz his language of love is one of supportive words. But now if I were to tell you what about a Jacob. How did Jacob express his love for?

Rachel. You never hear a word of anything. He says. But it does say he served. He served for her for seven years and the days seemed but a few the years seemed but a few days. For the love he had for so his love was expressed by by what he did by by service for her in Those years in Laban's home.

What about that man? We talked about last night. Okay now as he is trying to show to Hannah that he loves her and Really she should not be taking so hard there the persecution that she is receiving from Henaena.

How does he show his love to her? Not so much by what he says not so much by serving but by Sacrificial giving. Here's here's more for you than for her. I want to show you how much I love you. I am going to give you something to express my love.

What about in the Song of Songs, how does the. It begins, of course with the the fiancee and of course it ends with him being her beloved her her husband. But it's more essential. It's a It is certainly Idealized romance.

It's the physical there. Isn't it in that particular section of the Word of God and finally if we think of Manoah and his wife their affection is seen by a sharing together of all of life's experiences.

So there are different ways we convey love to another person the only problem is Sometimes they don't speak the same language for example I'll come back from being away for a week and I'll walk in the door and tell my wife how glad I am to see her and everything else and Open my suitcase and show her the gifts.

I bought her while I was away, which I try to do and I will then say I Have to run to the office to go through a week's worth of mail. I'll be back in about two hours. So there's my wife with the gifts.

I've bought her. I Have communicated to her how much I love her because I've been thinking about her while I'm away and went to the trouble of buying these things. And there she is holding these gifts thinking Wow.

He's got to leave me so quick. You see because for my wife What she appreciates of love is not what I give her but she appreciates my time. And so she'll say you are not going out of that door until you sit here for two hours and talk to me.

Tell me everything that happened and let's just spend some time together. I could forget the gifts and Just come home and sit down next to her and hold her hand for two hours and have a cup of tea and talk about What I did and how much I missed her.

But you see if all I were to do was just give the gift and go out. I think I've said I love you she thinks He doesn't love me. Now. You may say that's silly is it? Is it? You can translate that into every aspect of human relationships even in the assembly.

Even in assembly life even forgetting the issue of love for a moment things like appreciation things such as Being understood and being welcomed. Some people think as long as there's a seat for you. You're making you're being made welcome.

And who needs a handshake and who needs a smile? There's a seat. You're welcome. What else do you want. And for other people there needs to be the word of encouragement? We all we all approach things in a totally different way and The moment I began thinking my way of doing things is the only way I'm in trouble.

I'm not really furthering human relationships on any level. And so there needs to be that awareness that at times We speak different languages the same word but yet it means different things to different people and.

So you can see that when a difficulty arises a couple needs to be able to communicate and begin speaking the same language. Difficulties communication foreign languages fighting languages false languages.

We are all guilty of them. Let me just turn to James chapter 1 for just a moment if I can I want to talk about poor comprehension. Now I realize so you don't. Come to me at the close of the meeting that the context here is that of an individual going through a trial and.

For some people marriage is that trial now? I just want to just take the principle though and lift it from the section verse 19. Wherefore my beloved brethren let every man be swift to hear slow to speak slow.

Listening Instead of Winning Arguments

To wrath for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. Most of us think that communication is. How well we can debate? How analytical and logical we can be in our arguments or if that fails.

How loud we can make our point? Raise the decibel level if the logic and if the reasoning are beginning to fade at least raise the decibels and Get your point across as loudly as you can then maybe you'll win.

James tells us the key to communication is listening. Listening do you know what listening conveys? Listening conveys that this person is of enough value. That what they have to say has value. You know anybody who the minute the moment you begin to speak to them they begin to talk back to you and give you the answer.

The moment you begin to say something they begin to shut you off. James says the key to communication is learning to listen. I think we could do with a dose of that in the assembly as well. Having enough respect for each other that we listen Won't hurt it means that you are of value to me.

That what you have to say even if I disagree what you have to say has value and I'm willing to listen and consider it. But without going into great detail I'm going to just suggest to you there are four ways.

We can listen in four wrong ways. We can listen you can assume. You can presume. You can exhume or you can fume and there are four different ways you can listen in the wrong way. You can assume you know what the person is saying.

You can presume that you know where they're going and jump to a conclusion. You can fume thinking about all you want to say in return or you can exhume. You can bring back things from the past to throw at them because what else can you do?

They may be right, but you're not going to take it. So you'll hit them with something too, you know we listen with all of those wonderful skills and Never really resolve difficulties. All these are barriers now to to the resolving of problems.

Poor anger control. I'm going to leave that poor conflict resolution. We'll have to leave that. These are all impediments to Solving and resolving difficulties of any kind but let me then come to developing a framework.

A Framework for Resolving Marital Difficulties

Turn to Philippians if you will these are familiar verses. I just want to highlight them and underline them in every relationship. Philippians chapter 4 verse number 2. I Beseech odious and syntyche that they be of the same mind in the Lord.

I entreat the also true yoke fellow help those women which Labored with me in the gospel with Clement also and with others my fellow laborers whose names are in the book of life. Rejoice in the Lord. Oh way and again, I say rejoice.

Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication. With thanksgiving let your request be made known unto God and the peace of God which passeth all understanding.

Shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally brethren whatsoever things are true. Verse 9 those things which you have heard and learned and received and heard and seen in me do and the God of peace shall be with you.

Developing a framework, okay, we've defined the foe. We know what our problem is and we've tried to remove all of these dangerous factors that could hinder our resolution of this difficulty now developing a framework.

Giving All Rather Than Giving Up or Giving In

When faced with a marital difficulty you have three choices. You can give up you can give in. Or you can give all. Give up. I don't care. I'm leaving. Now I said you could do that. That is not a scriptural option.

Give in okay, it'll be your way. I won't just go ahead. We'll just the problem continue. We won't try to resolve it. I don't want to just give in or You can give all. Meaning you can work to resolve that difficulty.

Now that's true in any relationship difficulty. Giving up I'm gonna leave forget it. Giving in I'm just gonna grit my teeth and I'll put up with it. Really? We rarely do that very successfully. Or we can give all we can work to try to resolve a difficulty.

Taking Ownership of One's Part

Having said that what do you do then? Let me talk about ownership. Ownership. Take ownership for the problem. What do I mean? I Don't think I have ever seen a difficulty where one person is a hundred percent, right?

And the other is a hundred percent wrong. Now I'm not trying. I realize there are some perhaps rare exceptions. And I am not trying to say the person who physically or verbally abuses a spouse. Somehow it's not all their fault.

But I am saying that rarely is Something so black and white that someone is all right and the other one all wrong. So when faced with a Difficulty whether between husband and wife or a relationship problem with another believer or someone in your family.

Be willing to take ownership for my part in this difficulty. That'll help and go a long way towards resolving things to be able to sit down and say look I realize there's something about me that is contributing to this and I'm willing to take responsibility.

Let's work on trying to resolve this difficulty so ownership recognizing that it just might be that I might be 1 wrong and I'll be willing to bear my share that 1 and try to get it resolved. That may sound simple.

Yet how often do we go into a difficulty either with another believer or with a spouse and Our goal is to convince them of how wrong they are. And it's all their fault not mine. To be willing to take ownership and to recognize my part in a problem.

Hope, Love, and Divine Help

But outlook is also vital this goes back to the idea of a an Enemy attacking our relationship rather than you being the enemy and to have a right outlook to realize that this problem can be solved. Optimism a believer should have a positive attitude about a problem.

Not because somehow, you know, we have all the answers in ourselves. But with divine help we can resolve issues. Come to 1st Corinthians chapter 13 for just a minute. Again you're familiar, but I think it's vital to underline some things for us.

In Paul's wonderful hymn to the value of love verse 7. He says beareth all things believeth all things hope with all things. Endureth all things. Let me just pick one out of that for for now. We're going to come back to these in a few moments.

Love hopeth all things. Love never gives up hope. Love always believes the object that it loves can be helped and That where there's love things can be improved. Love always hopes I would take it. This has special reference doesn't it to the weak and the strong it at Corinth that The strong we're getting very impatient with a week and they're Very very scrupulous consciences and after a while, you know, you might for a little while say well, okay I won't eat meat maybe this year but you know next year how long's this thing going to go on that I got to put up with these weak Christians and these weak brethren that have these scruples and They're hopeless.

They're never gonna change. I'm gonna. Paul says love. Hopes all things never gives up. Hope. We should as believers when faced with difficulties in Family life and in married life recognize that one of the qualities of love is a boundless optimism.

Because we have to remember it is not our skill that is behind all this and it's not my diplomacy or my adeptness at being able to negotiate with a spouse. But this is not a just a bilateral arrangement.

This is a triangular arrangement. God is in this marriage. We have a dimension to our relationship that is totally Supernatural there's no other word for it. There is a dimension to our relationship that transcends the limitations of our personalities the Blindness we all have them the blind spots of our vision.

There is a dimension to our relationship that is able to Change us and to make us both. Far better than when we started out so every reason in the world has confronted with a difficulty then to have that sense that This cannot only be resolved but the result of this can be even something better optimism.

Love Does Not Keep Score

Overcoming come back to 1st Corinthians 13. Look at what it says in verse number 5. Doth not behave itself unseemly. Seeketh not her own is not easily provoked. Thinketh no evil. Rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoices in truth.

Thinketh no evil now. We won't get into Translations tonight, but let me just say that I think a far more accurate understanding of that expression in the original languages. Does not take into account the evil done to itself.

Let me just put it in everyday terms, I hope this isn't just an American idiom. Love doesn't keep score. Does that make sense in British language. Doesn't keep score. Doesn't say okay. You won that one.

My turn at bat is coming in a little while and when I get up It's gonna be my turn. Thinketh no evil. Now just so if you're sitting here and Your marriage is Edenic. Let me just raise it a notch. This applies to all relationships.

Doesn't keep score. We don't keep score in the assembly. We don't keep score with each other as brethren and sisters. Because that's not what biblical love is like that's not the character of God. God.

Thank God He never keeps score if God kept score. We'd all be in a sorry state. How many times have we had to go with the same sin. With the same failure and come at this and tell God all over all about it.

God never says look fella. How many times am I gonna have to forgive you for that. 70 times 7 we're beyond that now, you know. It's I get your calculator out. It's Even further than that at this point in time.

No, God doesn't keep score so vital to every resolution of a difficulty. Is the principle of forgiveness forgiveness easy to say extremely difficult to do. Let me just help you by telling you that forgiveness is not just an act.

I think we've all had occasions where we have genuinely and sincerely forgiven and then maybe months or years later some little thing comes up and it triggers that whole thought process back in our minds and We think well, did we forgive?

Yes, we did. It's a process as well. It's an ongoing willingness not to bring to mind that incident when I'm thinking about that person. It's looking at that person as though that did not happen. Now we play games well, I you know, I can forgive but I can't forget so what's the use.

That's just an excuse isn't it that's just a game we are playing to try to get around the biblical Requirement of forgiveness. No, we cannot forget. It doesn't tell us that God forgets either Their sins and iniquities.

Well, I remember no more that's different than forgetting. Forgetting is a defect. Forgetting is you know senility or dementia and none of us want that. But choosing not to remember is a divine Quality characteristic and that is what we need to cultivate is the ability To choose not to remember so that in a marital difficulty where there are problems where there has been sincere Acknowledgement of failure then there needs to be forgiveness and that issue not brought up again.

Never never to be brought up again if genuinely forgiven. Overcoming the past the paralysis of the past but let me talk about Opportunity. Maybe we should talk about obligation just to hurry on. Commitment is essential.

Commitment and Practical Plans for Change

We talked about that last night and I want to underline it again because if there is in your mind The idea that there is a back door and if it doesn't go my way I am going The highway then It'll never get resolved.

There has to be that sense. We are committed. We are going to get this resolved. We want to get this improved we intend before God To find the solution to this with God's help. Having said all of that then there needs to be the organizing of a plan not just sitting back and well, okay.

You know. No. To actually sit down and say well now here's what we want to change and here's how we're going to begin approaching it and You know and encouraging each other in it supporting each other in it where you see improvement where you see progress however small to give each other all the Encouragement you can amidst all of that to seek to honor God and to see it move forward.