New Life Baptist Church - Part 7 — Paul Washer

God’s Sovereignty, Goodness, and Wisdom

It would seem quite unusual for this, this time, possibly, but I just, I feel as though if I don't, I'll be disobedient to the Lord. So I need to do that. I want us to go to the book of Romans, chapter eight, Romans, chapter eight, verse twenty eight.

And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose. Let's go to the Lord in prayer. Father, I come before you in the name of your son, Lord, I know that I could be the one as much as anyone in need of the things that.

I believe I'm going to say, help us, Lord. To be Christian in the places where it is most difficult to be Christian in Jesus name. Amen. Let's read this text again. Amen. And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose in all aspects of life.

One of the most important thing, if not the most important thing, is to understand certain things about God. One of those is that God is all sovereign. There's not a maverick molecule in the universe.

There is nothing that has happened that has not been ordained by God. If my wife and children are going to church tonight and they run off the road and supernaturally they're somehow put back on the road and saved, it is ordained of God.

If they run off the road and are all three killed, it is ordained of God. It is not an accident. It is not something that just happened because we live in a fallen world and God was doing the best he could.

No, I couldn't live in a world like that. It's because all things that occur are ordained of God. There is not a maverick molecule in the universe. He's Lord over all and he does as he pleases in the heavens and in the earth and under the earth.

Now, why am I sharing this? Because this truth that we have here is not only foundational to theology or foundational to ministry, but it's foundational to something I'm going to talk about tonight. And that's your marriage.

I know it seems kind of unusual to come to a group of meetings and all of a sudden the man pops up and says he's going to speak on marriage, but I feel like it's what I'm supposed to do. It's what I will do as long as you grant me the grace to do it.

God is sovereign. Another thing, God is loving and good. If he was only sovereign that we might have a case to be bitter against him when bad things happen or things seem to go wrong, we might say, well, he's sovereign, but he's not good or he's sovereign, but he does not love me.

And that would produce bitterness in our heart. But that's not true. God is sovereign. And God loves you with a love you cannot even comprehend. A matter of fact, a love so great that you will spend all of eternity trying to track out and trace out how great that love is and you'll never be able to do it.

So not only is he sovereign, he's loving and he's good, but not only is he sovereign, loving and good, but he is all wise. He is not just someone up there that has all power and really loves you, but is not sure about what's best for your life, because that, too, would produce bitterness and depression when things don't go as you think they ought to go.

It would take away all contentment. A believer cannot have contentment in their life. Not a sure, strong biblical contentment unless they believe everything that has happened to me has been the sovereignty of God and that God is loving and good and all wise.

You put those things together and you have a rock solid foundation for absolutely anything. What does that have to do with marriage? Absolutely everything. Absolutely everything. Now, I want us to look.

Romans 8 and Conformity to Christ

We read this passage in verse 28. I want us to go down. It says, for those whom he foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his son in order that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.

And those whom he predestined, he also called. And those whom he called, he also justified and those whom he justified, he also glorified. Now, we look at these passages, we look at this passage. We see different things that the Lord is working in our lives.

Sometimes we take this passage too theologically. We think that it's only dealing with soteriology. It's only dealing with salvation, the way God saves a man. No, God is using all these words to encompass the entire Christian life.

Everything in the Christian life, God has laid out, he has purposed and he has planned absolutely everything. He made the way for our justification, his son dying on that tree under the wrath of God and rising from the dead.

Heaven paid the penalty of sin against God's people. Not only that, but in time, he called you forth, he regenerated you and granted you the grace of repentance and faith. And with that repentance and faith, you believed and you were justified, declared to be legally right before him.

Those whom he justified, he is constantly working a work of sanctification and he will do the work. He will finish the work he began. And not only that, one day every child of God will stand before him glorified in his presence.

So every aspect of your Christian life is under the sovereign direction of God. And you say, yes, my Christian life, but I did a lot of terrible things before my Christian life that messed up a lot of stuff.

Well, it probably messed up a lot of stuff, but it did not mess up God's plan. God could have intervened if he had chosen to, to save you from many of the sins you committed in your early life. And in his wisdom, he decreed not to.

What I want you to see is that there's no way around it. God is in control of every aspect of your life. He will be in control of every aspect of your life. And he has been before the foundation of the earth was laid in control of your life.

And what is the purpose of all this controlling? What is it? What is the good? Look in verse 28, he says, for we know that all we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good to those who are called according to his purpose.

For those whom he foreknew, he also predestined to what? Be conformed to the image of his son. Now, everything that God has ever ordained and done in your life, the purpose of that one great purpose. That you be conformed to the image of Jesus Christ, absolutely everything that God does and has done and will do in your life has one great end to make you like Jesus.

Everything else, everything else orbits around that. If God grants me health, it is for what reason? That through that health, I might somehow be conformed to the image of Christ. If God takes away my health, which he has.

If God takes away my health, it is for what purpose? To conform me to the image of Christ. If God prospers you economically, it is only for one reason to conform you to the image of his son. If he takes away absolutely everything you have, it is to conform you to the image of his son.

Everything, including and especially your marriage, has one great purpose, to conform you to the image of his son. But you'd rather have something else, wouldn't you? You prove it by the way you live and the way you act and the way you respond to adversity.

What is it that you really want? Do you want what God wants? Because if you wanted what God wanted, you'd always be content. You want to be conformed to the image of Jesus Christ. Are you willing to suffer poverty for that if necessary?

Are you willing to die martyrdom for that if necessary? Are you willing to embrace the loss of those dearest to you if it is necessary for you to be conformed to the image of Christ? Are you willing to be the off-scouring of all men, hated, despised?

Are you willing to go places you don't want to go to be carried where you don't want to be carried? We often say that we are so wanting to be made like Jesus Christ. But you know, I tell young men this, the most terrifyingly dangerous prayer you could ever pray in your entire life is, God, make me like your son.

I remember one time when I was in Peru and I had seen the devastation of an entire ministry. A group had entered in when I wasn't there, tore apart a church. I was also suffering from chronic pain. I've had both my hips replaced since then, but at that time they were not, I could barely walk.

I walked out on this balcony out in the city of Lima and I was crying and I said, God, why? Everything I've worked for has been destroyed. I hurt so bad I want to put a bullet to my head. Why? Why? Why?

And I did not hear a voice. But things began to come back to me of the times when I was a young Christian of praying with other friends of mine in the night, crying out to God, God, make me like Jesus.

Make me like Jesus. Make me like Jesus. It's almost as though the Lord was saying, Paul, I'm giving you exactly what you asked me for, to be made like Jesus. There is nothing in your life, nothing that does not have the purpose, primary purpose of making you like Jesus.

And that, my friend, is the purpose of your marriage. I do not like most books written on marriage today. I do not, because they seem to want to put before the people of God that the purpose of marriage is to have a little bit of heaven on earth.

That the purpose of marriage is to have bliss. That the purpose of marriage is to have your needs met. The purpose of marriage is for both of you to come into perfect unity and just live a life of bliss.

No, it is not. As a matter of fact, God will purposely take some of those things away from your marriage. Because He is using your marriage not to satisfy all your temporal lusts. He wants to use your marriage to conform you to the image of Jesus Christ.

And many people of God walk around distraught. Because their marriage, their relationship with their wife and their husband doesn't seem to add up to all the Christian books that they have read. And they think something is terribly wrong with their life.

And they do not recognize that if they knew the truth it would set them free. And hopefully you will understand that tonight. Now, first of all, I am going to go back. This will help a little bit for the single, the young single people here tonight also.

Marriage as a Calling to Lay Down One’s Life

You know, I am in my office, let's say, and some young man comes in my office. Looks like he has been smacked with a two before. And he says, I am going to get married. I say, really? Does the woman know about that?

Yes, I am going to marry her. Okay, sit down. Why? Why? Well, because I love her. What does that mean? How do you know you love her? Well, I like being around her. I just feel wonderful when we are together.

I think she is beautiful. And we can talk and we can share. And we get along and we share many of the same ideas and desires. And we are just so compatible. And I just want to be with her. It's okay. Let me see if I have got this straight.

Okay. You want to marry this girl because she meets, fulfills all your temporal, self-centered, selfish desires. Is that what you are telling me? No, that's not what I mean. That's exactly what you said, young man.

That's exactly what you said. You want to be with her because you like to be with her. What's going to happen when you don't like to be with her? Or when you see someone else that you would like to be with more?

Because that's going to happen. You say that you get along. What's going to happen when you don't get along, young man? Or when you meet someone that you get along with a lot better? You say you can talk.

What's going to happen when you can't talk? And then Satan sends someone else with whom you can talk all the time. You see, young man, you don't even know what you are talking about. You don't know anything about marriage.

You are not ready to be married. She meets your needs. She fulfills your desires. That is not the purpose of marriage. What is the purpose of marriage? First of all, marriage is a calling. It really is.

It's a calling. It's a calling. The basis of my marriage is not that I am physically attracted to my wife, Charo. The basis of my marriage is not that we share some emotional unity. The basis of my marriage is not that I like her.

The basis of my marriage is the same basis of my ministry. And of everything else in my life. I believe that God has called me to marry her. That would be too simple. Let me put it this way. I believe that God has called me to lay down my life for a specific daughter of His who goes by the name of Charo Casado de Uaxa.

I have been called to do what? To obey God. You say, well, this is sounding kind of cold. No, I am not portraying all of marriage to you. I am putting down the foundation. God has called Paul Washer to lay down his life.

Now, I am not just talking poetry here. I am talking about die. As Christ gave himself for the church. He has called Paul Washer to die for one of his daughters. In a relationship that will last as long as he is alive or she is alive.

Now, what is important about that? Let's say that God has called me. Where do I find my pleasure in life? Where do I find my contentment in life? In my marriage? Well, my marriage ought to bring some of that, but that should not be the source of my contentment, my joy, my security, anything.

Because if it is, it is idolatry and God will destroy it. The source of my joy, my contentment, my peace, my stability, everything is God and His will for my life. And it is His will that I lay down my life for this woman.

Now, look what happens. If she is absolutely gorgeous, praise God. If she is not, I am not going anywhere because I am called to lay down my life for this woman. So, it does not matter if through the years she grows older, gets a little rounder.

It does not matter if through the years Satan, and I use him purposely because this is what he does. It does not matter if Satan brings another person near my life, more attractive. None of that matters.

Why? I have been called to lay down my life for this daughter of God. My marriage, the foundation of it, is not that my aesthetic desires have been fulfilled. Do you see that? So, if she is absolutely gorgeous, praise the Lord.

If she is deformed in an auto accident, it does not matter because my marriage has never been about me being with a beautifully gorgeous, physical, gorgeous woman. It has always been about doing the will of the Father.

So, no matter what happens to this woman, I am there and I am blind to everyone else. It does not matter if someone else comes along with whom I can speak. It does not matter if I have trouble having conversations with my wife.

It does not matter if my wife and I have different hobbies, different personalities, different makeup. None of that matters anymore. My joy does not come from there. From where does it come? God has called me to lay down my life for this woman.

Unconditional Love and God’s Purpose in Marriage

Now, something else that you need to understand. Many men who are godly, who desire to truly serve Christ, and young men listen to this, they hope to have a mate that will follow them in that service to Christ.

Kind of a Batman and Robin team. You know, we are both working together for the cause of Christ. For the most part, men who desire a woman like that never get a woman like that. God does not allow it.

Why? Because there is something bigger going on here. Something much bigger. What does God need? Absolutely nothing. What does God desire? Your conformity to the image of Christ. So, what is God going to do?

Now, listen to me, men. This is what God has done if you are married. This is what He will do if you are not married. God is going to give you a woman who is strong in all the areas where she must be strong so that you are not tempted beyond what you can bear.

But God is also going to give you a woman. He is going to orchestrate it so that she lacks many of the qualities and things that you most have dreamt about when you were single. He is going to do that and He is going to do it on purpose.

You say, man, He hates me. No, He doesn't. He is going to give you a woman that is blessed and gifted in so many areas that you cannot recognize because you are blind looking for other things that you want.

But He is going to give you a woman who does not meet all the unrealistic and unbiblical qualifications that you have desired. Now, why is He going to do that? This is the reason He is going to do that.

God wants you to be like Jesus. When we talk about Christ, the main thing we speak of with the most frequency is the love of Jesus Christ. And the most thing that we speak about regarding the love of Jesus Christ is that it is what?

Unconditional. If you are ever going to start looking and being like Jesus Christ, then you must learn to love unconditionally. You must have an object of love that does not meet all the conditions that you have laid out.

Now, I have been talking men, but this flips over and it is the same way for women. It is the same way for women. I have been amazed at how many spiritual, just driven men are given wives that aren't that driven.

And I am amazed at how many very driven spiritual women are given men that aren't that driven. The thing they most want. Why? Take away the conditions that you feel are most important to you and then you will learn to love.

You will learn to love. The point that I am trying to make is this. You are married to a person, whether you are a man or a woman, you are married to a person who hasn't met all the conditions. You are trying to change them.

You are trying to manipulate them, maneuver them. You have been doing it for years. You really have. You want them to meet the conditions because these things are so important. You know, cast aside the other things.

I really don't care that much about those. I just want these. I really want these. But God wants you to learn to love as Jesus Christ loves. And that is giving yourself to someone who does not meet all the conditions.

That's what marriage is about. It really is. Learning to love as Jesus Christ loved. You say, well, what's wonderful about that? Absolutely nothing if you are not a Christian. But if you are a Christian, it is a joy.

Now, let me share something with you. So many times, speaking about conditions, I'll have men come up to me and they'll go, maybe even men who want to get a divorce. And they'll say things like this, well, I just don't love her anymore.

I just don't love her anymore. And I'm sure that most of you would not say that tonight, hopefully, most of you men. But you may say or think something like this, the love that I had or the passion that I had for her is not what it used to be.

Now, in a lot of ways, you'll say it's deeper, it's better, but it's just not what it used to be. And what happens in most conditions like that? This is what men will do. They'll start, well, since these needs are not being met in my life, then they slack off on meeting the needs of their wife.

And everything just kind of becomes conditional, doesn't it? Well, when she does this, I'll do that. Well, when he does this, I'll do that. And what happens usually? Misery. Oh, they're good Christians, so they'll never get divorced.

But they've been divorced for a long time. They're divorced at home. And don't think your children can't see it. There's just no love. What's the cure for that? Exactly the opposite of what the world would tell you.

Serving One’s Spouse and Recovering Affection

Let me ask you a question. Now, here I'm going to talk about emotional love for a moment. Men, emotional love, romantic love, the kind of love that just kind of makes you feel like you've been hit between the eyes with the two before, is that good or bad?

Well, man, you guys have got some serious problems. That is good stuff. I just hate it. You know, you get around a bunch of super spiritual people. Well, that's not important. Well, it's important to me.

Is that important and is it good? Yeah, it is. I mean, you come home from work, wife's in there doing the dishes. Man, you grab her and do a jig right through the house. You're so happy. When was the last time you did that?

And you really need to grow in the Lord if you haven't. But all that emotion and all that love and all that romance and all those things that seem to have died, they're good. How do you get them back?

Well, you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do what a lot of people tell you to do, but that doesn't work either. Here's how you do it. You recognize that every good and perfect thing comes down from the Father of lights, whom there is no shifting a shadow, there is no turning.

So if it's a good thing, it comes from Him. And if it's no longer coming from Him, there's only one thing that can cut you off from the blessings of God, and that's sin in your own life. And so when I have men come to me and say, look, you know, our marriage is just really isn't a whole lot there anymore.

I mean, we're dedicated and we're obedient and we're not going to get a divorce. You know, we homeschool and everything else, but our marriage just really doesn't blossom much, just isn't a whole lot there.

I always tell them, sir, you have sin in your life. Here's what I admonish you to do. Go home and serve your wife. Go home and serve her. Go home and lay down your life for her. Serve her. Find out what she desires.

Find out what she wants. If it's biblical, if it's right, do it. No matter what you have to do, if you have to cut out time and everything else, including the ministry, go home and serve your wife. And what will happen?

Well, then it kind of opens up that channel again between you and the Father of lights. A blessing comes down. You see, we have a conditional mindset, and it's this. Well, you know, if I have all these feelings and if I really feel this towards her, then boy, I'm going...

You remember when you first met her? Do you remember that, men? I mean, you acted like an idiot. Your heart was pounding, blood all up. I mean, you were just totally out of your mind. And then gradually, what happens?

Just gradually less, less. And when you first met her, you treated her so special. I mean, so special. And she knew it. There's nothing worse than commonality. There's nothing worse than when things become common.

It's demonic. It's like the first time I went through the Andes Mountains, my jaw dropped open. I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. And the old missionary that was there with me on the train slept through the whole thing.

I just couldn't believe it. And a few years later, I took a group of young guys across the Andes and slept the whole way. And we think, well, you know, the reason why we did that at first is because we felt these things and it demonstrated how immature and selfish our love was, how unlike Christ our love truly was because we felt those things and we were basically paying her back for all the special feelings she was giving to us.

But when those special feelings start waning, then what happens? I'll tell you what happens. She stops becoming special, or at least treated that way. And you've fallen into the realm of conditions, of conditions, of conditions.

Christlike Headship in Ephesians 5

Now, I want us to go for a moment to the book of Ephesians 5. Verse 22 says, "...Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior.".

Now, I think it's quite interesting that I always hear men talking about how they are the head of their wife, which is true. It is true. How come I never hear men talking about that they're also the Savior of their wife?

Look what it says. "...For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior.". Now, we all know that the husband does not redeem the wife, is not the cause of her salvation.

But the whole idea, if you follow the parallel, if you properly look at this text, that we are to be the head of our wives in the same way that Christ is the head of the church, we are also to be, in a sense, the Savior of our wives as Christ is the Savior of the church.

I'm always talking to men who talk about being the head of their wives, but never the Savior. Now, what does that mean? Well, just look a little bit further. I want you to look in verse 25. "...Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word.".

And what's the reason? "...So that He might present the church to Himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.". So what is Christ doing? Christ has saved the church, but look at this, He's constantly working to sanctify the church.

And why is He working to sanctify the church? Because one day, Christ is going to present the church to Himself and there's not going to be one thing on His bride that He does not approve of. Now, let me submit this to you, men.

If you've been married for 10 years or 15 years and you don't like your wife, it's your fault. What have you been doing to sanctify her? To be her Savior? To lead her to greater Christlikeness? And be careful here, because a lot of men do not find their wives acceptable to them, but it's not because the woman is not godly.

It is not because the woman does not have virtue. It's because the men have some sensual desire that Christ does not want them to have in the first place. What I'm talking about here is with regard to virtue and character and spirituality, the personality of the woman.

How much has your life been an influence to make her what you desire her to be? Now, when I teach on this, I'm very, very afraid, unless I have several hours to do it. Why? Because a lot of guys hear that and they go, that's right, I've got to get my wife home and get her in a Bible study.

I need to straighten her out. I need to start working on this. And they're so blind. Blind guides. And it would be better that they never even heard me say these things. Because that's not what we're talking about, getting your wife home and getting her in a Bible study and just teaching her all the things that she's failing you on.

That's not... You see, listen to me, men. When it talks about wives submitting to the husband, it is in the context of a Christ-like husband. Sure, it's easy for the church, or it should be easy, there's no problem, should be no problem with the church submitting to Jesus Christ.

Why? He's all loving. He's good. He's wise. He's holy. We have to say, well, wives need to submit to me. But what about the part over here of you being Christ-like? You being Christ-like. Let me tell you something, men, and I believe this with all my heart.

We are so wrong about everything in Christianity. Sometimes I think the only thing that's going to save Christianity in America is persecution. Blow this whole thing totally to pieces, destroy every one of our buildings and everything.

Because we are so far off, I don't think we could find a biblical lifestyle if we had a road map, because we do and we can't find it. This is not about ministry. This is not about pastoring. This is not about being an itinerant preacher or the director of a mission society.

It's not about going outside the home and doing all these great things because all that stuff is just so easy. It's unbelievable. It's about... I am never told to lay down my life for the church. Do you realize that?

There's not one command in the Bible that commands me to lay down my life for my church. But I am commanded to lay down my life for my wife. Do you know there's nowhere in the Bible that says lay down my life for my children?

As a matter of fact, let me share with you something, men. I really didn't prepare a message tonight, so we're kind of flying all over the place. Let me just share with you something. It's a grotesque illustration, but it's a good one.

If I'm in a boat with my wife and my two boys and I'm the only one that swims and that boat begins to sink and I can only save one person, it's my wife I am to save. You ever hear someone say there's nothing like a mother's love?

That's demonic. There's nothing like a father's love, the Bible says. Do you know why most mothers love their children so much? They don't really love their children that much. It's just they're drawing all the emotional needs from their children that they should be getting from their husband.

They're more attached to their children than they are to their husband because they get nothing from their husband. And so they end up almost like a parasite sucking things out of their children that they should never be taking from them.

Now you understand why I preach in a lot of places only once. It's true. Nothing like a mother's love. It should be there's nothing like a spouse's love. You know the best thing I can do for my boys is to love their mother more than any human being on the face of the earth.

I love their mother more than any human being on the face of the earth. And those boys are going to be going, Dad ain't going nowhere. This family is a rock. I mean this is not some peripheral thing that we really need to have intact so that we can go out there and win the world.

This might be the way that we're supposed to win the world. Bring people into our churches and because our families are so messed up we make them two full sons of hell. And the church has taken over the response.

The church is a lot like social government. We've taken over a lot of the responsibilities that belong to the families and particularly belong to Dad. And so the church is so burdened down it can't do what it's supposed to do because it's doing what the fathers are supposed to do.

You know I have served the Lord in the middle of a war, stepped over dead people, had a gun to my head. You have no idea how easy that is. Loving a wife as Christ loves the church is beyond me. If anything requires prayer it's that.

Bring a thousand men possessed with devils. That won't bother me. Open up Ephesians 5 and tell me how I'm supposed to love my wife and you're going to scare me to death. Now let's just look at this. I want to look for a moment.

Protecting and Honoring the Wife

Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. Now, some of you might disagree with me on this, but I believe that's saying exactly what it's saying. But I also do not believe that that means that a woman whose life is in danger and all sorts of things is supposed to be doing this because if she's a Christian woman, the church ought to be involved.

And if that husband's acting like an idiot, the church ought to step in and discipline the guy and do whatever is necessary, even take him to jail. Because if churches are going to require that women really submit to their husbands, then they're going to have to protect these women.

But in the context where everything is pretty much just alright, a normal context, not that you're married to a serial killer or something like that, it's just like young people. I always tell young people, submit to their parents, and they always go, well, what if my dad asked me to blow up the White House?

I always ask them, when was the last time your dad asked you to do that? I'm talking in the context of just the general family. No serial killer, no terrorist, just family. Although my little boy might qualify as a terrorist, I don't know.

Wives, let me share with you something. It's something I learned in Europe a few years ago. It's really quite amazing. I like castles. I don't know why, I guess because maybe one day I'll live in one or something.

But I just like castles. But there's something really strange about castles. No matter how many castles... You see, even a type of castle that's in South America in a place called Quailip, it does the same thing.

The front door of this thing is huge. It is gigantic. I mean, 30 people wide could walk through that thing. It's huge. But what's amazing is when you go into the castle and you go up to the second floor, the stairwell is about this wide.

And there's only one door at the top and it's about this wide. And you sit there and go, well, why? You've got this big door where all kinds of people can come in and then all of a sudden to go up to the second floor, you've got this little stairwell where only one person can go up at a time and it's just one tiny door.