Totally Forgiving Ourselves — R.T. Kendall

The Burden of Unforgiven Personal Failure

A few years ago, I received an email from somebody that I'd never met. I still have not met him. Here's what he said, thank you for your book, Total Forgiveness. I appreciate the book, but would you please, please, as soon as possible, write a book that would help me to forgive myself.

That's what he said. I realized that over the years, when I was at Westminster, I would get this question, help me to forgive myself. I know God forgives me, but I can't forgive myself. The truth is, when I got that email, and when I reflect upon the kind of question I got, I felt convicted.

There was something that I knew I had to deal with before I could ever write a book on totally forgiving ourselves, because I had a problem in that area. I didn't want to admit it. I almost lived in denial.

But the truth is, there is something that has haunted me over the years, and that is a failure to forgive myself over something that went on for a long time. I'm going to tell you exactly what it was.

When we first went to England, I was invited to do research at Oxford. The first day that I went in to see my supervisor, he gave me advice that you wouldn't expect from an Oxford don. He said to me, these years at Oxford will go by quickly.

Don't forget your children. These years, you won't get back. Don't forget your children. But I did. Those three years at Oxford, I put everything first, my thesis, the Bodleian Library, and all that I wanted to accomplish.

I just vaguely remember my family in those three years. Then all of a sudden, I'm invited to preach at Westminster Chapel. Before I know it, they vote on me. We agreed to stay. I'll never forget, a few weeks after we were at Westminster, my son, we call him TR, he said, Daddy, you said we were going back to America, and we're still here.

I couldn't look at him in the face. Twenty-five years later, I was invited by the Billy Graham Organization to do a film, a 60-minute video that they were going to have for pastors. They asked questions like, how do you prepare your sermons?

What is your adoption of the Holy Spirit? What is it like for an American pastoring a church in London? Then they said, that's 59 minutes, we've got one minute to go. How shall we use it? Oh, tell us, Dr. Kendall, tell us about your family and your role as a father.

I said, stop, stop, don't film, don't film, because on this, I have been a failure. I put the church first, thinking I was putting God first. I put sermon preparation first, thinking I was putting God first.

I now believe, if I had put my family first, I would have preached just as well. But I can't get those years back, so ask me something else. It turns out, that's the only part they used. They said, pastors need this, and I said, that's fine, I accept that.

You have no idea, it cannot be explained fully, how much guilt I have experienced over the years, over my failure to be a good dad, a good father. I put all these other things first, and I justified it at the time.

And the guilt that I have experienced, well, I want to tell you something. All this happened after retirement, and I get this email, a man who says, help me to forgive myself, and I thought, I would be a hypocrite to write a book, until I have done it myself.

Well, I can tell you something, I've never met that man, but God used him. I want to meet him someday. He doesn't know how much God used him, because I had to do business with God, and I can tell you now, I can tell you, I've done it.

I've done it, and I've been set free, if only I'd done it years before. And I bring this message, hoping that what has happened to me, can happen to someone there, that you have said many times, I know God forgives me, but I cannot forgive myself.

And what I want to do today, is to show how to forgive yourself. I've written a book, How to Forgive Ourselves Totally, and I want you to know it can be done, and it's in a way, harder for me to forgive myself, than it was to forgive those who had hurt me.

Well, I want to explain today, that God will help you, and he wants you to do it. Now, when I think of Paul's words in Philippians, in chapter three, verse eight, he refers to persecuting the church. And then, just a few verses later, he says, forgetting what is behind.

Paul's Past and the Call to Forget What Lies Behind

I want to say, wait, wait, Paul, stop. You say, persecuting the church, and just a few verses later, you say, forgetting what's behind. How can you just say, forgetting what is behind? Don't you need to say more?

Don't you feel any guilt? Isn't it terrible what you did? Persecuting the church. Paul, you were responsible for people's death. You caused them to blaspheme. You've split families. What you did, don't you feel bad?

How could you just say, persecuting the church, and verses later, forgetting what's behind? Surely, how can you say that? There's a reason. There's a reason, and I can tell you, whatever is in your past, even though you're not proud of it, and if you could turn the clock back, yes, you would do better.

And I can think of those who may be watching right now, when you hear about my past, you say, well, let me tell you what I've gone through. I'm talking to someone. Someone, you're living with past sin, perhaps giving up too soon and always wondering what might have been, letting people down, having an abortion, falling into sexual sin, unfaithfulness in marriage, being sentenced to prison for a crime, abusing your children, lying to your best friend, ruining another person's career.

You injured your health through carelessness, wasted years with the wrong company. You gave wrong advice and ruined another person's life, living with the wrong choice in life, or waiting too long to get right with God.

But I could go on and on, whatever it is, I want you to know that God wants you. This is the thing that I needed to know, that God wanted me to forgive myself. And as I have preached this message over the years, all over the world, I never will forget in one place, after I finished this message, a lady came up to me and took my hand, and she wouldn't let it go, and she just said, she looked at me in the eye, you will never know what you've done for me tonight.

There was another time when I preached this message, I found out two months later, hard to believe, but here's what they said, that during my message, a person who was deaf in both ears was healed. Now imagine, because when we don't forgive ourselves, we hurt ourselves physically.

Defining Total Self-Forgiveness

Now let me define what I mean by totally forgiving ourselves. In a previous message, I talked about forgiving others, total forgiveness. That's when you let them off the hook, and commit them to God, and know that God will bless them, and you pray for them.

What totally forgiving ourselves is when we let ourselves off the hook, and we forgive ourselves just as we know that God has forgiven us. And it's a hard thing to do for some of us, it was for me, but I did it, and I want to tell you how.

I want to give reasons that you should forgive yourself. Reason number one is what God wants you to do. It's his idea. Now strange as it may seem, that is what I needed. I'm ashamed to admit this, all this happened after retirement.

I retired at the age of 66, I've been at Westminster 25 years. All that time, I lived with that guilt, and God still used me, that's the amazing thing. But after retirement, and I received that letter from that man, what helped me is when I saw it, I don't know why it took so long, it's what God wanted me to do.

And that's not all. When I realized that all that I had preached over the years, what Jesus did for me on the cross, that the blood he shed satisfied the justice of God. The blood turned his wrath away.

And when I realized that, and then I struggled with forgiving myself, I was actually competing with the atonement. That's not good. It was my self-righteousness. I'm not happy to admit this, but I'm telling you the truth.

I was just self-righteous. And that's often the reason that we can't forgive ourselves. We think we've got to do something, and it's not enough just to accept forgiveness. But the truth is, that is why Jesus died.

And that's why Paul, the apostle, with his horrible past, could say, forgetting what is behind, because he believed the gospel that he preached. But let me give you another reason. It's because the devil does not want you to forgive yourself.

The Devil's Accusations and the Freedom of Forgiveness

This is important. You see, the devil loves it when you're in bondage, when you're feeling guilty, when there's no liberty. He loves it. Don't give the devil that pleasure. One of the things I often say in my preaching, one way to know God's will is to figure out what you think the devil might want you to do, and then do the opposite, and you'll get it right.

Well, when it comes to this, you need to know the devil does not want you to forgive yourself. So the degree to which you live in self-pity and guilt and sorrow over the past, you're making the devil happy.

Don't do that. There's a verse in the book of Revelation that is worth quoting to you. It's Revelation chapter 12, where John, on the Isle of Patmos, he put it this way. I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, now the salvation and power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ has come down for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God.

And then he goes on to say, they overcame him, they conquered him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they love not their lives, even to death. Therefore rejoice, O heavens, and you who dwell in them, woe to you, O earth and sea, for the devil has come down to you in great wrath because he knows that his time is short.

Remember this about the devil. He's aware of this. This is why he's angry. He hates the blood of Jesus. He knows his time is short. And here's a word. The next time the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.

His end is coming, but he's your enemy. Don't give the devil pleasure by wallowing in the past and wishing that it had been otherwise. Here's the thing. Why should you forgive yourself? Because it will give you inner peace and joy.

The degree to which you forgive yourself, you will find yourself more useful. I never will forget. When I first went to Westminster Chapel, I think I'd been there a month. A man came into the vestry, that's the pastor's office, that's what they call it in England, and he said his problem was he didn't have assurance of salvation.

And so I went through the gospel and helped him. He says, thank you. I feel much better. And he'd come back a month later. His problem was still assurance of salvation. Well, I'd go through the gospel and I would help him.

And then you know what? Six months later, he comes back again. His problem, assurance of salvation. He couldn't bring himself to trust the blood of Jesus. He thought it had to be something he must do to give himself assurance.

Six years later, he came back, same problem. I will fast forward to the end of 25 years. Would you believe a month before we retired, that same man came in. He said, I've got this problem, I've still got it, assurance.

I said, by the way, where do you go to church? Well, he says, I go to different churches. I said, are you telling me you're not of a member here or any place? No. And it was interesting how because he couldn't believe what I'm preaching today, he hadn't even got involved in ministry and the devil had him sidelined.

You see, when you forgive yourself trusting the gospel, you will find your niche in the kingdom of God and he will use you. Another thing, it will help you to love people more. And I'll tell you one other thing, forgiving yourself will mean that people will like you more.

Oh, he said, I don't care what people think. Yes, you do. You don't want to be the type of person that when you walk into the room, the lights go out and everybody says, oh, look who's here. You see, when you forgive yourself, you will like yourself and you will help others.

Instead of being the type of person that's always needing help, always needing counseling. You know, I've learned over the years that two kinds of people, there are the drainers and the energizers. Well, most people that come in to see me, they would be drainers.

And by the time I was finished with several people, I was drained. Once in a while, you have an energizer and they make you feel better. Well, as long as you don't forgive yourself, you're going to be a drainer and you're always going to need help.

Be an energizer where people come to you for help. And this is what we're talking about. I'll make a confession to you. It's embarrassing. But people who've heard me preach since I've retired have said to me, how come you preach better now than you did when you were at Westminster?

And I say, you really think so? Well, I can tell you this is the reason, because it set me free. Here's another reason you should forgive yourself. Your physical health could be at stake. Do you know medical people have come to realize that unforgiveness is injurious to your health?

Holding a grudge can lead to high blood pressure, heart trouble, kidney disease, arthritis, and even more so when you don't forgive yourself because you turn inward, where you don't like yourself. It can affect your psychological condition.

True Guilt, False Guilt, and God's Forgiveness

I knew of a psychiatrist who said, if I could get my client not to feel guilty, I could cure him in 30 minutes. The problem is, we all have that guilt. And this guilt is pseudo guilt. The word pseudo means false.

Comes from a Greek word pseudos. That means lie. So there is false guilt. And the devil will take advantage of guilt that God did not put there. Now, there are two kinds of guilt. True guilt, when we have sinned against God.

False guilt, when you more are worried about something you did, you didn't spend your time right. Or, for example, when I retired, one of the deacons at Westminster Chapel gave me money for a new motor on my boat, because we were going to be living in the Florida Keys at the time.

And he got me this wonderful motor so I could fish. I love, I miss my hobby, fishing. And here's what happened. When I would be out on the boat, I would think, I ought to be inside working because I've got things to do.

Then when I'd come home to work, and then I think, that man spent all that money on that boat. I need to be out fishing. I would feel guilty if I'm out fishing, thinking I should be in working. Or if I'm in working, I think, because of that man giving me that money, I should be out fishing.

Pseudo guilt. Or I had someone come up to me, happens to me, you went right by me and didn't speak to me. I said, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you. Now I've got a double problem. That person will say, well, I'm so insignificant, he didn't even see me.

And I stay awake at night, oh, I hurt their feelings because I didn't speak to them. Pseudo guilt. In my book, How to Forgive Ourselves Totally, I go into many examples. Here's the thing. It is not a sin to have pseudo guilt, but it becomes a sin if you know it's false guilt and you dwell on it.

Because here's the thing. The devil will seize upon your feeling of false guilt, and then it becomes a sin. Well, here's another irony. True guilt, when you've sinned against God, is the easiest to deal with.

You know why? God doesn't hold grudges. Good old 1 John 1, 9. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. It's dealt with, because the blood of Jesus solves it.

The irony is false guilt is the hardest to deal with, because we keep thinking of things, and the devil will seize upon it. And by the way, in case you wondered, I get asked this question, my failure to be a good father and my failure to neglect my family, was that pseudo guilt or true guilt?

I'm going to tell you it was true guilt. I sinned against God by neglecting my family. I'll tell you a story without mentioning any names, of course. But a daughter of a well-known evangelist drove 600 miles to come and see me, because she had read my book, Totally Forgiving Ourselves, and she wanted to hear it from my own lips.

Do you still say that your neglect of your children was a sin? I said, oh, yes. And then she started to cry. She said, I wish my daddy had said that. He would never admit it was a sin. And you see, there are those who need to know, and parents need to become vulnerable and admit when we have failed in this area.

Self-Pity and Spiritual Warfare

Well, one of the reasons it is so hard to forgive ourselves, self-pity gets in there. And I must tell you, you may not like to hear it. In fact, I don't like to remember it, because I have a problem now and then, more than I care to admit, with self-pity, feeling sorry for myself.

It's been easy to do for the last several months. We're in the middle of this coronavirus, and I'm thinking, why could all this happen? And here I'm in lockdown. And if you're not careful, you start feeling sorry for yourself.

Now, let me tell you something. Self-pity gets us nowhere. And it will be the devil who will seize upon it. Remember the three R's of spiritual warfare. Recognize, refuse, resist. Recognize. You need enough spiritual discernment to recognize that this is the devil, the devil.

He's bringing up things. He will mention things that were not even sin, or he will bring up your sin. Recognize him, and then refuse. In other words, don't listen to him. Just don't listen. Resist, even if he persists.

Resist, and the Bible says, resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Well, I can tell you, it's spiritual warfare. And the devil does not want you to forgive yourself. And yet, let me tell you one of the best things of all.

Romans 8:28 and God's Purpose for the Past

To help you is help me, and that is to forgive my past and forgive myself. And that's a verse that I refer to as the family secret. It's Romans 8, 28. When people kindly ask me to sign a book, or even when I write a letter, I will write my name and put Romans 8, 28.

Almost all of my letters, I put Romans 8, 28. We know that all things work together for good, to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. And this is a wonderful verse.

It's a verse that refers to our past. Never forget that. Never look at Romans 8, 28 as future. No, because if you use it for future, you might, if you're not careful, begin to excuse yourself for something that you haven't done yet.

And you know it may not be right. You say, well, it'll work together for good. No, if you want to be a fool, refer to the future when you try to apply Romans 8, 28. No, you don't have a right to do that.

It refers to our past. It's God's way of saying, look, as for the past, leave it with me. Now it refers, first of all, to our pre-Christian past. It may be there are things that you did before you were Christian and horrible things.

And Romans 8, 28 covers your pre-conversion, your pre-Christian past. But then I need to share something with you. If it only referred to pre-Christian past in my sake, in my case, it would have little meaning for me because I was converted when I was six years old.

I can remember the day I was converted. I was at my parents' bedside. I confessed my sins. You think, well, what sins were there at age six? Well, I remember how I talked back to my parents and I was convicted.

But as far as my pre-conversion past, not many, but I have to tell you something. There's a lot in my post-conversion past that haunt me and I'm ashamed of and I'm sorry about. And here's the wonderful thing.

Even in our post-conversion past, we've all sinned. We're not perfect. We've come short of the glory of God. And all things work together for good. You see, the reason we know that it refers to our sinful past, he says it works together for good.

Why good? Well, it wasn't good. If it was good, it wouldn't need to work together for good. It's because something was not good. And maybe you are thinking of something in your past and you think, oh, I wish I hadn't done that.

We all have this. But do you want to know one of the reasons that God gave us Romans 8, 28? It's the family secret. He doesn't want you to feel guilty. God does not want you to feel guilty. That's why he's given you this wonderful verse, we know.

When Paul says we know, he uses a Greek word oida that means knowledge of a well-known fact. There are two Greek words for knowledge. Basically, the genosis refers to general knowledge, revealed knowledge, knowledge that could be revealed.

But then there's oida, knowledge, well-known fact. You know, what goes up goes down. New York is a great city. You don't need to tell that a lot. Everybody would agree. He uses that word for we know that all things work together for good.

He said, it's a well-known fact. How do we know? Well, we've found it out. Look back at your life and see how many times those things that happened to you at the time, it was horrible. And you think, how could this work together for good?

I think of my previous talk, when Louise and I went through the darkest hour of our lives and the future looked so bleak and I thought I'm finished. Now I can tell you, it was the best thing that ever happened to us.

It worked together for good. I am thankful for it all. And here's the thing about Romans 8, 28. God will cause things to work together for good. You see, it's not something you do to make it happen. He doesn't want you to say, well, now, Romans 8, 28, it worked together for good.

What must I do to help this along? You don't need to do that. God says, leave it with me. Well, you may be saying, RT, I don't believe that. Well, let me say this with respect. If you don't believe that, it's probably because it wasn't meant for you.

You see, that's why Paul says, we know. It's for the family. Those on the outside looking in, they say, I can't believe that. But those that are inside looking out, we're in it. We know. We found it out that God has been faithful over the years.

And that's why Paul can say, we know. All things work together for good. And so here are some things you must know, though. The fact that it works together for good doesn't mean that what happened was right at the time.

It wasn't good. When a plane falls to the ground, there's nothing good about it. A hurricane, there's nothing good about it. A tornado, nothing good about it. The coronavirus, there's nothing good about it.

You see, God allows bad things. But he says, it ain't over until it's over. To quote Yogi Berra, wait and see. Watch what I do. And I guarantee I would put my ministry on the line. There are some things that I would go to the stake for.

And that's what I'm preaching. I've learned in my old age to preach what I would go to the stake for. And I guarantee that everybody listening to me, you put God first. You see, Romans 8, 28 doesn't apply to everybody.

No, it says we know. It's the family secret, those in the family. And then it also says those who love God love present tense, that you love him now. Not because you once loved him, but because at the moment.

When you love God, he works. And he says, leave it with me. You don't need to make it happen. So the fact that it works together for good doesn't mean it was right at the time. Sometimes the husband will say to the wife, oh, see there, that shows I was right.

No, don't say that. If God makes it work together for good, he did it. It's not up to you. And he says, leave it with me. Sometimes we just can't believe that things will work together for good. But I can tell you, he takes the responsibility.

You see, Romans 8, 28 is in the context of showing the security of the believer, that he takes the responsibility. Who shall separate us from the love of God? Nothing, nothing. And for those who love God, now sometimes there are Christians who fall.

And at the moment, they're giving no evidence that they love God. Well, I'm sorry, you disqualify Romans 8, 28 from working for that moment. But when you come to yourself and say, God, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

And confess your sins to God. He says, okay, now I can work. And that's when he will make Romans 8, 28 true for you. And the day will come that you think, I wouldn't have believed it. I can't believe it.

And I can tell you now, all that we're going through and we're still in it as I speak right now, we are in the greatest crisis in the history of the world. And I am standing here in Times Square, the epicenter of this virus in the whole world.

Wait and see. To those who will hang on to the promise of God and believe the Bible, believe his word, you wait. You wait. It will work together for good so much that you'll say, I can't believe it. All that was going on.

It's been good. God knows I needed it. I didn't think it would happen. Question is, how good is good? Is good better best? Does it say all things work together for the best? Well, he uses the word good, good.

But when God created the heavens and the earth and he looked over the creation, you know what he said about his creation? It's good. It's good. And even fallen creation, it works together for good. And we are his fallen creatures, except that we've been redeemed by the blood of Jesus.

And that means that the righteousness of Jesus is put to our credit and we're looking to Jesus. And we become a part of the family. And all that has happened, you can say, it worked together for good.

David, Bathsheba, and God's Redemptive Genealogy

And if God calls it good, well, that's good enough for me. I have in my notes to ask a question. When is the last time you may have read Matthew chapter one, verse six? Well, you know about Matthew chapter one?

It's not a very exciting chapter. We don't give Matthew to a new Christian. We usually give them Mark or Luke or John. Because if we say to a new Christian, start with Matthew, and he starts reading and he thinks, well, the book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ, son of David, son of Abraham.

Abraham was the father of Isaac. Isaac, the father of Jacob, father of Judah, brothers of Judah, the father of Capernaum. What is this I've got into? What's this about? It's pretty boring at first, but keep reading.

When you get down to verse six, this is amazing. He says, Jesse was the father of David, the king, and David, the father of Solomon, by the wife of Uriah. Of all things, do you realize what it's referring to?

It's the darkest spot in the life of David when he fell into adultery and then committed murder to cover up the adultery. And then he was in trouble for everything. And he got found out. It is one of the darkest moments in the history of the Old Testament.

But if you didn't know about that, and you're just going through the genealogy of Jesus, that's what Matthew one is about. It shows you the lifeline of Jesus going all the way back to Abraham. And Matthew takes the time, he breaks the pattern.

They're just son of, son of, until he gets to David, wife of Uriah, and Solomon, the father of Isaac. Of the wife of Uriah, Bathsheba. And you would have thought if you didn't know, if you didn't know, if it is the way it was supposed to be.

Do you know what? That's not the way it was supposed to be, but God forgives sin. And in Psalm 51, David prayed, God have mercy on me. That's the opening word in Psalm 51. Mercy, have mercy. And then he asked God to forgive him.

And then he said later on the sacrifices of God, of the spirit, that is what pleases him. A broken heart, oh God, you will not despise. And David repented. He was a man after God's own heart. And Matthew one makes it look like all that happened that's the way it was supposed to be.

You didn't know different. You'd think, well, this is the way it was supposed to be. The fact that it works together for good doesn't mean it was right at the time, but God has a way of preserving our past and making it look good.

And he will do that with you. The question is, are you a member of the family? You see, this is the family secret. This isn't for everybody, but good news. You can become a member of the family. Here's what is required is when you are aware that you have sinned against God.

Repentance, Salvation, and New Life in Christ

You're actually sorry for your sins. Let me ask you two questions before I close. Do you know for sure that if you were to die today, would you go to heaven? Do you? And if you were to stand before God, you will.

And he were to ask you, he might, why should I let you into my heaven? What would you say? Would you say, well, I've tried to live a good life. I would say, that's not good enough. He's, well, RT, what else can I do?

I do my best. That's not good enough. You see, our best, because we are born in sin. David could say I was shapen in iniquity and sin my mother conceived me. We're born sinners. You don't need to teach a baby to lie or a little boy, a little girl to lie.

We come from my mother's room speaking lies. We're all sinners. At our best, we will come short of the glory of God. I'm a sinner, you are a sinner. And in order to become a member of the family, instead of disagreeing with God or challenging him and say, I've been a good person.

No, when you come to the place that you're sorry, sorry for your sins, David was sorry for what he did. And in your past, those things that haunt you, confess them to God. Don't excuse yourself and say, well, what happened was this.

Don't do that. Just say, God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I want you to pray this prayer. You can say it out loud, wherever you are right now. Wouldn't hurt if you did. But in any case, repeat this right now.

Say, Lord Jesus, I need you. I want you. I need you. I know I'm a sinner. I'm sorry for my sins. Wash my sins away by your blood. I welcome your Holy Spirit into my heart. As best as I know how, I give you my life.

That's the prayer. Did you pray that prayer? Are you ashamed that you prayed that prayer? Well, why do you ask, RT? Jesus said, if you're ashamed of me, I'll be ashamed of you. Jesus said, if you confess me before men, I'll confess you before my father.

Let it be known, you prayed the prayer. If you're with someone right now, don't be ashamed. In fact, if you prayed that prayer, I would ask you, even if you're by yourself, it won't hurt, stand up. The angels are watching.

God is watching. Or if you're with others, and maybe there are two or three in the room, maybe 10, maybe you're the only one that prayed the prayer. Stand up, show that you're not ashamed. And now, if you've never done that before, as surely as you prayed that prayer, and you're showing you're unashamed, you know what that means?

You've just been born again. Happy birthday. It's a new life. Begin anew. Read your Bible every day. Pray. Learn to know that God is your friend. He's your savior. He will never leave you. He will never forsake you.

Put him first in your life. And if you and I don't meet here below, I will see you in heaven.