10 Dating Tips for Guys

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Jon shares ten tips on dating for guys.

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00:00
So this is very different than what people thought I was saying, which I wasn't saying. Find a girl, which implies work, action, looking, that you think you might be interested in, which means you know enough about her, you've had some interactions, and then ask her out.
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Ask her out to coffee, whatever, dinner, I don't care, lunch, just talk to her. That's my main thing.
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Just go talk to her. But one guy did do a cold approach, and he actually, the girl said yes. So what do
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I know? I guess maybe that does work sometimes. This podcast has become dating central.
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I've decided to give you 10 more things to think about instead of 10 principles for dating for men.
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I'm going to do 10 strategies for dating for men, and the reason I'm doing it is because I've had a lot of people reach out in private messages asking me questions about various circumstances, and I obviously don't know how to speak to every single circumstance.
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Every single one is different. There's also been some misunderstandings about what I meant when I said that men should find a girl they think they might like and go ask her to have coffee if she'd like to, that this was a cold approach, and that never works, and I never was advocating cold approaches.
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So I figured I'll put something out there that really reflects what
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I believe about this, and there are varied approaches. This is a particular circumstance that I'm bringing this information to you in.
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It is not obviously an arranged marriage situation like other parts of the world still operate by in times past, even in some
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Western societies they had. We live in a very different kind of society, and I've seen the comments saying,
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John, we should just get back to that, and it's like, well, if you want to go convince some other parents that your kids would be good together, that's on you if you want to do that.
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I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to be practical and talk about life as it is.
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I don't want to deal in theory land, or I don't want to talk about what could be. I want to talk about what is and how do we turn it around, because if we have a population that is only growing at a 1 .6,
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we need a 2 .1 to tread water. We have marriages declining still. We have less young people dating and getting married.
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It's a problem. It's a problem for our society, but it's also a problem for certain people.
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I've seen the hurt. Look, I need to say this. There are people who will not get married.
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Paul talks about this, that have the gift of singleness, and they use the time they have and the freedom they have to the service of Christ in the church.
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There's nothing wrong with that, but I think his general pattern for most people, and certainly if you desire to get married,
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I think you can be sure that this is what he wants you to pursue, is to be married. I don't care if you're in your 50s, and this has never happened, and you desire it.
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There's no reason to just not pursue it at all and give up on it. I think that's my main thing, is don't give up on this stuff.
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These are creation norms, and this is something God has ordained for the good of man. It's not good for him to be alone.
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This is separate from even having children, even though children is one of the greatest byproducts of marriages in most instances.
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I want to talk about this to give maybe a little more clarifications and to help with those who are navigating these kinds of situations in the real world.
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I wouldn't consider myself the most smooth dater by any extent, but maybe
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I'll share some stories as we go. I don't know. I've been sensitive to that because I don't want girls that I used to date or I've taken out or someone recognizes the story.
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I don't really want to bring them into this at all since I'm somewhat of a public figure, I suppose. My wife and I have an amazing story of how we met and everything.
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It's actually very entertaining, but I'm on the fence about whether I even want to talk to what extent
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I want to talk about that. I will talk about it some, but I'm going to try my best not to share personal information from my own life.
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I want to share with you the wisdom I've gleaned from some of those experiences. I think
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I've already shared with you what I want to share with you about the Bible, so we'll just briefly go over it, but the rest of it is just going to be practical.
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Hopefully, these are ideas that can help you if you're a single young man and you're frustrated and you want to find a girl and you're having a hard time.
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Let's start with the 10 rules just briefly. I did publish this in a podcast form last week.
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Rule one, know what you want in a relationship, but keep your expectations realistic. Number two, pray, take initiative and trust
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God with the outcome. Number three, men should lead and take the initiative in pursuing. Number four, don't overthink, avoid over -strategizing or consulting all her friends.
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Number five, before going exclusive, make sure you've met her parents or family. Number six, ask thoughtful questions and watch how she carries herself in different situations.
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Number seven, be a gentleman, but don't put on an act, be yourself. Number eight, if you wouldn't feel comfortable doing it with your sister, don't do it with her.
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Number nine, remember nothing good happens after midnight. And number 10, seek wise counsel from trusted friends, family, or mentors.
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Okay, let's go to slide two. This is what I want to talk about today. 10 tips for dating. Number one, approach gradually.
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Okay, so this is very different than what people thought I was saying, which I wasn't saying, that if you find,
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I said that if you find a girl or find a girl, which implies work, action looking that you think you might be interested in, which means you know enough about her, you've had some interactions and then ask her out, ask her out to coffee, whatever, dinner,
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I don't care, lunch, just talk to her. That's my main thing. Just go talk to her. And I've had some messages from guys that this has been helpful.
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Apparently guys who have gone out and asked the girl, one guy did do a cold approach and he actually, the girl said, yes.
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So what do I know? I guess maybe that does work sometimes. Other guys just saying, thank you.
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I needed the kick. I didn't think I was kicking, but the encouragement at least to go out there and then other guys who don't know where to get started.
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And so this is where I want to talk about where to get started. Approach gradually. So approach gradually just means that you want to be able to observe her without the pressure of a relationship.
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A relationship brings a certain amount of pressure. A marriage brings a lot more pressure. And I think one of the things in courtship that can be problematic is when you start out the relationship by assuming that it's going to lead to marriage or thinking it very well could be, and putting that pressure in very early stages.
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I do think there are stages here. So the first stage is you have to get to know the girl in the context in which we live at where the girl is the one making this main decision.
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And hopefully with input, hopefully her parents are involved and so forth, but it's not an arranged marriage.
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Your dad isn't making a deal with her dad or anything like that, like there are in other societies. So you're going to want to know something about her and she's going to want to know something about you to know whether she can say yes or not.
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And that might be something small. It might be a very small thing, actually.
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So I'll give you the what I think the span or the spectrum is on this, right? It could be anything from you.
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Let's say you went on a mission. Oh, no, actually, let's even scale that back more. You went to church, you visited the church and you notice there's a girl and she's interacting and she just seems like she's warm and you know, the people that are talking to her are people with good reputations.
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They seem to know her. That doesn't mean she's the right girl or anything like that, but it might pique your curiosity.
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You could, if the situation favors it, you could potentially introduce yourself and ask her, you know, ask a question, ask, is this your first time here?
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Or I don't think we've met before. My name is, what's your name? Oh, where did you come from?
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Oh, what? Just be a normal person like you would with anyone, right? Are you going to school?
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What are you studying? That kind of thing, right? You don't, it could be a conversation that it's a one and done.
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It takes two minutes and you never see her again. Or it could be a conversation that keeps going. And if the natural rhythm flows in the conversation and you're both enjoying it and so forth, you could potentially ask something like,
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I'm going to coffee with some of my friends or I'm doing this later tonight.
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And would you want to come? Preferably a group setting, but it doesn't, depending on circumstance, it could be a date,
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I suppose. I think that's less situations that are going to be like that, but that could potentially happen.
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But even that's gradual. You are starting off with very non -threatening conversation about who she is.
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You're making observations, right? So it could be anything from that to you are on a missions trip and you spend two weeks day after day working with this person or you grew up with the person, right?
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And you've spent a lot of your life knowing this person and you're in the same school or homeschool groups or church or whatever the case is.
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And you end up thinking one day, actually, I like this girl, or I think
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I might, and I'd like to get to know her on a deeper level. So you ask her if she would go to dinner with you or something like that.
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So in either case, one is a lot quicker, but look, you're not making any commitments yet.
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You're just getting to know her. It's just a process. That's all it is. And all the other things I talked about last time would apply.
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So this is, you're not, I think some people think he's dating. Now you're rushing into this recreational kind of activity that's going to blind you because now you're having fun together.
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And that's the only thing you'll know. Well, you got to start somewhere. Do you want to start in misery? Like, where do you want to start? Right? So this is how you get the ball rolling.
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Just have a normal conversation and then transition it. I'd love to talk more, like to continue this conversation.
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Would you want to do it over a cup of coffee sometime? Or you could say, if you'd like to continue the conversation, here's my number, right?
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Or I'd like to, if you don't want to do the number thing, I actually was pretty, with my wife, I tried to be gradual.
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I didn't give her a number until after actually we had a coffee date. And that's when she got my number.
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I was, I did message on Facebook a few times. I did speak to her in person a few times before that.
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And I felt like the number thing, and because of some previous experiences, I just thought that that can really accelerate things.
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I didn't want it to accelerate too much. So does it, that's just me though. So if you want to start out with that, start out with that.
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But we're going to get to another tip in a moment that has to do with technology. And so I'll warn you about the pitfalls there.
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So number one, approach gradually. Number two, don't overwhelm the pond. Don't overwhelm the pond. If you are in a situation socially, and there's a girl, and she has a number of friends, and you ask her out, and then she says no.
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And then immediately you ask another girl out, and she says no. And then you immediately ask another girl out. That, I don't know why you would do that.
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But there are guys, I'm being told that is something that happens quite commonly. That signals desperation.
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It signals that you're not actually there for her. And the girls want you to be there for her.
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They want you to want them, not just a girl from off the shelf. They're not looking to just fulfill your emotional or sexual needs.
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They want something unique. And yes, some girls can take this too far.
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And it can be, it could be too fairytale or whatever. But I think it's very natural to want someone who wants you and not just a girl.
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So I think if you can temper yourself, there's some guys that have good motives, and they're not, they're just overly ambitious on this perhaps, or excited.
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And if you can temper yourself a bit, give it some time. If a girl says no, don't just move on to her friend.
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They will talk. They do talk. And her friends will know about the experience that you had with her.
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And if it was a negative experience, this goes to dating too. If you do end up dating and she doesn't want to continue, and it was a very bad experience, if you were rude or something, the other girls probably will eventually know about it.
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And it may not help you. So you need to keep that in mind. Even if you're on a date and you realize this isn't going to go anywhere, treat her with respect.
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And that's not just for your own self -preservation. That's because it's the right thing. But I'd say that's number two.
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Don't overwhelm the pond. Maybe if there's another social group that you're in, and there's a girl there that you're somewhat interested in, ask her next.
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Don't just go down the line of one friend group or something like that.
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Number three, be direct but not intense. Be direct but not intense. So you should be a man that knows what you want.
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If you're going on a date, you should know kind of where you want to take her. But be open to, if she has another suggestion or a plan or a place she wants to go, be open to that.
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But you're not looking at her to leave. You are the leader. And you are the one directing the relationship.
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And there's security in that. Girls tend to like that. They should, at least, right?
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And you want a girl that does want that and likes that. However, what you don't want to do is get intense, where you're putting too much pressure on the relationship and demanding too much time.
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And give her space. Let her, even when asking her out, you might want to, if she hesitates or something, say, well, no pressure.
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You don't have to let me know right now. But if you ever want to, let me know. You can, you know, don't have expectations right away that, oh, she's my girlfriend.
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So therefore, now she must be at all my family activities or something like that. You'll gradually grow into these things.
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And you'll want to be with each other if it's a healthy relationship. So be direct. Know what you want.
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You can even say that, you know, you, I mean, you gotta be careful how you say it.
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But you can even say, like, that you want to get married. One day you're interested in that. And that you are pursuing that.
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You're looking if the opening comes in a conversation. But that's directness.
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You're not playing around. But you don't want to be intense, where you're, like, putting a spotlight on her. And she feels like you're making her the object of your mission in every way.
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You have a mission. She may become that object. But in the initial phases, she's not yet. Okay, number four.
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Use technology as an on -ramp, not a destination. So that just means if you're going to do the Facebook Messenger thing, or the chat thing on whatever app or phone number, you want that to be leading to actual physical contact.
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In the sense of speaking to each other, seeing each other. And the reason for this is because there's less pretenses.
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There's more authenticity. You get to actually know the person better. Technology can create a barrier and an attachment.
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So I've seen this so many times. You've developed the attachment to the person through the phone. She never really got to know the person through the phone.
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And you're better getting to know them if you can. And you can get to know them a lot, by the way.
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Like, it's especially corresponding with someone. You can, like, long messages. You can really get to know someone. And it may be the thing that really attracts you.
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But at some point, you got to obviously go to physical contact. So make sure that you don't stay there because of some kind of, like, insecurity or whatever.
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Okay, number five. Be decisive but open. Be decisive but open. Well, I actually kind of already talked about this in the be direct but not intense.
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So I guess the difference here, even though they're related, is be direct is be honest.
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Be open with your expectations and the direction you want to go, the mission that you have in the relationship.
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You can be direct with those things. And decisive would go along with directness.
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But decisive means I've seen guys do this where they just they become an appendage to the girl.
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The girl wants to go somewhere. The guy's got to come. Like, it's just his duty now becomes whatever the girl wants.
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And they've lost their decision making ability and outsources to the girl. Now, that's great if you want a mommy. But you want a wife.
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You don't want a mommy. So you can be open to the girl and her ideas. But you need to be decisive about what you want.
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It could be something as great as you are going to go into law school. It's going to take a few years.
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You're not going to be able to provide for her what she wants. She'll have to work. That's your decision. If she doesn't want to go along with that, then, you know, it's not going to work.
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You can be open towards suggestions of how it might work better in ways that you haven't thought. You know, she's got an idea for how you could be together more.
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I can work at the law school with you or and see you more. And the relationship could work or whatever. But you don't want to get into a situation where she's just making all the decisions.
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You had these dreams. You had these ambitions. But now you can't because, well, she's I got to keep her.
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And she wants to go over here and move here and do this. And you don't want to be that. Be open to the things that are possibilities.
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So she wants to do a particular, I don't know, craft. She likes painting. And she wants to do it with you.
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She'd like to teach you a little about painting. You should probably be open to doing that. Right. You can make some time for something like be open, even if that's not your thing.
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But be decisive. Right. That's that's a balancing act for some of you.
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But that's very important in my mind. Number six, give her your undivided attention. When you are on a date, when you are talking, don't be distracted.
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Don't be on your phone. Don't be looking around. Don't be thinking about what you got to do tomorrow.
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Don't don't overanalyze it. So you're just always thinking about your next move.
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Just relax, take a deep breath and be with her. That's what you need to do when you're in a dating situation.
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And she'll sense it if you don't give her your attention, if there's something else distracting you. She'll get the message loud and clear that she's not the priority.
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Number seven, don't overwhelm. OK, don't overwhelm. Some guys do this right away.
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They have a whole plan, which is good to have a plan, but they reveal it too soon. And they have a whole idea how the girl is going to fit into that plan and how she'd be the perfect wife because A, B and C.
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And it is too overwhelming. It is too quick. The girl's not ready for it. She's still trying to figure out who you are.
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Don't overwhelm her to not do it. Keep that stuff to yourself. Now you want to, again, you want to be direct with your, this is where people get confused, but you want to be direct with what your life plans are, but you keep it more general initially.
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So let me give you an example of that, OK? You want a girl who's willing to move with you to the state of Michigan and you're going to go to law school.
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And when you, you have a firm that's ready to hire you once you graduate. It's OK to say initially that your life plans are, you like to go to Michigan and you'd like to work for this law firm.
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Now she doesn't know how tightly you're gripping this or whatever. You can say that that's basically your plan, right?
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Now, if you added onto that and you would be the perfect person to do this with me, because you think like a paralegal and it'll be an asset to me in my job for you.
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You'll be my greatest helpmate because you think like a paralegal. And you're the kind of girl that I've always wanted for A, B and C reasons.
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You'd really fit it in Michigan. You'd like, if you start doing that kind of stuff, you're overwhelming her likely.
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It's, she's, you have your plans. She has her plans. You are gradually figuring out whether those plans can mix.
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So she's got to know the basic plan, but she doesn't need to know exactly how you think it's going to mix yet.
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Or she doesn't need you attempting to mix it yet. That's going to happen over time.
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Don't ghost. Number eight, don't ghost. If it doesn't work out, if you know, she's not the one, don't just drop her like a hot potato.
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Okay. Never contact her again after talking to her a whole bunch. That's rude.
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Be a gentleman about it. Just say that you very much appreciate her company and had a good time.
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If you need to, then you say, I, at this point, I don't think it would be wise for us to continue in this relationship.
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Even though, you know, I, I, I think you're a great person. Don't, but don't, don't wax along about,
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I think you're a great person. Some guys I've actually been guilty of this in the past too. I think where if you go on too long about this, you will get her hopes up that actually there's, there's a door open.
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And if you, if the door is actually shut, you need to let her know. So don't ghosting her will eventually let her know, but then she'll be mad and she'll tell her girlfriend.
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So, and it'll be hurtful more importantly. So just tell her that you don't think it'll work out, but you know, you appreciate the time and you hope that you can have a friendship.
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So you are friend zoning her, but you're being honest about it, right? I didn't put a rule about friend zoning from her.
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But there are, look for the signs of friend zoning from a girl as well. If a girl doesn't want to be in semi -romantic situations ever, and you've been together a while, but she doesn't want to, she treats you like a buddy, then you know that you're probably in a friend zone, especially if she starts talking to you about other guys.
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Okay. Number nine, it's okay to be traditional. It's okay to be traditional. I don't know why I got so much pushback for this, but yeah, like asking her out on a date and opening the door for her and paying for the meal.
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That's okay. That's actually probably good. Those traditions are there for a reason. And they reflect an earlier culture that was more influenced by Christianity and the differences between genders.
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So it's okay to be traditional guys. And I think most girls that are worth it are going to appreciate that.
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And number 10, don't make her the center of your world. Too many guys do this, right? Where they can't even make a decision about anything until they consult and or find out what their girlfriend is doing.
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What, maybe they're not even a girlfriend boyfriend. Maybe they're not exclusive yet, but they've, it's just like, everything is about this person.
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You don't want to make them the center of your world. I have had a hard time with this myself because I'm a missions oriented guy.
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Like I see the goal and let's hit that goal. And then we see this goal and we hit that goal. And in pursuing a partner for life, a wife,
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I have been ambitious in that regard in the past and wanted to just kind of like, let's get this process, let's lock this in.
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And then we'll together go on to step two of whatever we're going to be doing in life. And it's, of course,
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I have not done it as egregiously as I have seen some do it, where like literally you could be a friend with a guy and it's like, well, sayonara,
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I guess I won't see you anymore because you're with this girl and you've made her your life, not healthy, not good.
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It sets you up for divorce if you break up. Um, it's, she's going to be the helpmate that you have in your life.
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That's the biblical paradigm, right? And obviously you have equal worth before God.
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It's not that she's subservient in the sense of, um, lesser than in, uh, worth or anything like that.
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But her role in your relationship is going to be, uh, to help you with the missions that you are on and to be the chief executive of the household.
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And so, um, I think that you can support your girlfriend.
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You could support a girl you're dating. You can, uh, spend a lot of time with her, but you don't want to completely engulf your life in hers.
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That, that can become idolatry to be quite honest with you, like where you just, uh, worship her practically.
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And then if things go wrong, you know, they really go wrong. And then when you get married and reality sets in, it can really go wrong.
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So she's a human just like you. And these are my 10 tips, uh, strategies.
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So 10 tips for dating approach. Gradually don't overwhelm the pond. Be direct, but not intense. Use technology as an on -ramp, not a destination.
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Be decisive, but open. Give her your undivided attention. Don't overwhelm. Don't ghost. It's okay to be traditional and don't make her the center of your world.