Do You Really Trust God — David Wilkerson

This message is one of the Times Square Church pulpit series. It was recorded in the sanctuary of Times Square Church in Manhattan, New York City. Other tapes are available by writing WORLDCHALLENGE P .O. BOX 260 LINDALE, TEXAS 75771 or calling 903 -963 -8626.

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Praying for Strength to Deliver the Word

Lord, I need a quickening of my body and my spirit and my mind that the word that you have pressed in my heart will be delivered and received and bear fruit for your honor and glory. Hallelujah. Lord, we've gathered here to hear you.

Holy Spirit, I call on you now to give us hearing ears. I call on you to touch my body and give me strength. Lord, it's been a long journey. It's been a heavy burden, but Lord, you have been there to lift that.

And Lord, there are many now need to just lean on you. We pray, Lord, as we talk about trusting you this afternoon that you will teach us to trust. Lord, we want to trust you, but we don't know how. We're so prone to doubt and unbelief.

God, forgive us and touch us and give us strength, Lord, so that we can not only make it through, but we can be overcomers in these last days, overcomers in the power and the anointing of the Holy Spirit.

I pray in Jesus' name. Amen. My question, my message is in form of a question. Do you really trust God? Do you really trust God? Now, I got some good amens there, but let's look at it for just a minute.

Examining Whether We Truly Trust God

We preach a lot about trusting God, and we've heard numerous messages about trusting God right from this pulpit. I know I've preached a lot about trusting God, and we all want to trust Him. We all say, you know, when God meets us and delivers us, we say, I am really going to trust God the rest of my life.

Have you ever said that as I have, Lord? I'll never doubt you again. God, you've been so good. I prayed and you undertook, and now, Lord, don't ever let me doubt you again until the next crisis, until the next hard place, when it looks like God is not hearing and He's not answering our prayer on our time schedule, and that's when the panic becomes, sets in again.

And if I ask you, do you trust God? Most of you have either whispered or said amen to that. The Holy Spirit questioned to me, and He said, first of all, do you really believe that I'm able to do everything that I promised you to do?

Am I able to do it? And then, do you believe that as God, I am faithful to do what I promised you to do? And finally, if you believe that I'm able and that I'm faithful to keep my word, do you believe that I'm willing to do what I am able and faithful to do?

And of course, we say, yes, yes, yes, we believe all of that. But then the Holy Ghost begins to search us out, and then we look at the telltale signs of doubt that creeps in, and I want to talk about that for just a minute, because God has always been looking for a people who will trust Him.

God's had, yes, He's had a problem getting people to pray, but He's had a bigger problem getting them to trust. He has people that willingly go to church and work and work for Him, but to find people that He can point to and say, there is one that really trusts me at all times.

No matter what happens, here is an example of one who really believes and trusts in me. Now, let me list you a few of the dealings of the Holy Spirit in my heart about this matter of trusting God. Folks, I'm like you.

I want to trust God more than anything in my life. I want to be an example. It's not just so I can walk around and say, hey, there goes a man of faith. I get sick and tired of people talking about certain evangelists.

Boy, there's a man of power and great faith. Folks, if there is a man of power and great faith, you don't have to, he doesn't have to talk about, he doesn't advertise himself that way. It'll just have an effect quietly on people all around him.

And same with you, it'll have an effect on people. But there are some telltale signs that we're really not trusting God with all of our heart. Now, as a matter of fact, I'm just going to have a heart-to-heart talk with you now.

It's not that I don't have energy. I've got energy, and you know I can scream. But I want to talk to you right out of my heart. First of all, if you and I really have trust in God, it's going to show on our countenance.

It's going to show on our face. My face is not just the front of my head. It's a testimony. And really, the only way people can read us is, the Bible says, out of the abundance of the heart your mouth speaks.

It can be the curl of your mouth. The one that's up is a smile, the one that's down is a frown. I honestly believe that many of us are getting a lot of wrinkles because we don't have trust in God. Now, that's not the only reason.

I've got a lot of reasons why mine are coming. It has to do with age. But the question was put to me by the Holy Spirit. If you really trust me, David, if you really believe that I'm God with all the ability and faithfulness and willingness, why sometimes you go around so cast down?

Why do you look like your God is dead? Do you go around the job and you say, I know I trust God, but what about the way you walk around your family? Sister, wives, what's it like when you get up in the morning?

What do you know? I'm going to ask you what you look like. That was the wrong question. How do I put it? I'm in a hole. Help me. Does your husband or your wife, when you get up, have to put up with the scowl and a frown and a depressed spirit of murmuring and complaining?

Because you see, if you really had trust in God, you would believe that there's no problem in your life that he can't work out. That no matter what the weight is on you, no matter what your family problem is, before you went to bed, you committed it to the Lord.

When you got up in the morning, you didn't pick it up because he said you to cast all your care upon him and leave it there. You heard me tell, I think I've told it two or three times. I was walking down 51st street and I had a weight of problems on my head and I was downcast and a girl sitting there stoned high.

She said, oh look, it can't be that bad, mister. She's a junkie. I smiled quick, I'll tell you. Now David loved the Lord with all of his heart. Here's a man of God who preached and sang and taught more about trusting God than any man in the scriptures.

Listen to his testimony. He said, my soul trusteth in thee. Yea, in the shadow of thy wings, I will make my refuge until all my calamities be passed. He said that all my calamities, all my trials, I'll just trust God.

And then he says, oh thou my God, save thy servant that trusteth in thee. Now David faced insurmountable troubles. You remember the trouble he had when all of his men turned against him at Ziglag and lost everything.

And he encouraged himself to the Lord and trusted in God. And time after time after time in front of a lion, in front of a bear, in front of the Philistines and everywhere he goes, he's casting his care and he's trusting on God.

David’s Experience of Discouragement

But a time came when David was overwhelmed with a sinking feeling. Something came over David. And I don't know what the problem was and I don't know what the circumstances were, but something happened in David that caused him to be cast down in his countenance and in his spirit.

He asked, why are you cast down on my soul? Why have you been disquieted in me? And he repeats it two times in Psalm 42, 11 and 43, 5. You say, well, maybe it's because that's the time he had an affair with Bathsheba.

Maybe there's sin in his life. But if you read the first part of chapter 42, where he mentioned his soul cast down, here's how it begins. As the deer paneth after the water book, so paneth my soul after thee, O God.

My soul thirsteth for God, the living God. My tears have been my meat night and day. I pour out my soul in me. I went with them to the house of God with the voice of joy and praise. That's not a backslidden man.

That's not a man living in sin. He's seeking God. He's panting after the Lord. He's thirsting for God. He's got tears night and day pouring out his soul in intercession. And he's going to the house of God rejoicing with joy and praise and thanksgiving.

And yet in the midst of all that, he wakes up one day and he can't explain it. I can't put my finger. I am down and I can't get out. Why? He didn't know why. He couldn't explain it. Here he is on one side praising.

He's righteous. He's walking with God. But he is down. There's some kind of, something has grabbed a hold of his spirit and he can't explain it. He said, oh my God, my soul is cast down. Why? Why have I been cast down?

Have you ever been in that position? Where you can't explain. You get up one day and there it is. And you cannot put your finger on it. It may be a combination of things that you've been able to overcome.

You push them aside or you thought you'd committed them to the Lord and you wake up one day and it just accumulates and suddenly you wake up one day and as David, you say, my soul is disquieted. I am disturbed is what he's saying.

I am disturbed and I can't tell you why. I love God. I pray. I seek the Lord. And you say, well, that shouldn't happen to a praying, believing Christian, but it does. It's happened to me. It'll happen to you.

If it didn't happen already, wait, it's coming. In spite of the spiritual hunger, there was a display. He said, why do I go mourning because of oppression? Why am I mourning? There's this sense of mourning about him.

And he said, deep in the same chapter, he says, deep is calling to deep at the noise of thy water spouts. All thy waves and billows are gone over me. Now he's beginning to understand. He said, there's something deep going on inside of me.

God's trying to do something in me. I thought I really had this thing of trust figured out. I've written about it. I sang about it. I've taught about it. But he said, now God's putting me to a deep test deep inside.

He's deepest calling to deep, the deep work of the Holy Spirit's going down deep into my innermost to try to bring me to a place that I've not been yet regarding trust and faith in God. He said, and what's happened, God has allowed his waves and his billows to roll over him.

These are called thy waves. They're not David's. They're not the devil's. He said, thy billows and thy waves, you've allowed to come over me. And now the waves are hitting him of trouble and discouragement.

And it could be anything. With you and I, it could be finances. It can be children. It can be marriage. It can be so many things. The billows begin to roll over us. And in the process, deep is calling to deep.

God is reaching down into the innermost saying, you have not yet learned to trust me. You said you did. You thought you did, but you've not yet learned that in all things, I am God Almighty. And I am allowing these waves to hit you.

I'm going to bring you to a place where you have to call out on me. And I'm going to bring you to a place in such depth. I'm going to bring fire and I'm going to be floods. And I'm doing it because I'm preparing you.

I'm training you to trust me so that you can come to a place that no matter what happens, because the Bible said evil men will wax worse and worse. The Bible said the floods of iniquity are coming. The Bible predicts that devil's going to send a flood of iniquity against the body of Jesus Christ.

And he has got to have a people who have learned to trust him in everything. And he said, I'm going to let waves come. These waves won't sink you. These waves won't drown you. You're not going to get hurt by this fire, but you're going to learn in this to trust me with everything in you.

You're going to come to a place where you give up totally trying to figure things out. You give up totally trying to understand in the flesh how to overcome. You're going to lean on me. You're going to surrender to my will.

Hallelujah. See, God's not interested in you just getting your next victory. He's interested in you becoming surrendered to his will period. He wants us surrendered. He'll just keep them coming until we reach surrender.

Once you surrender and resign to his perfect will, that's when the calm begins. That's when the waters are stilled by his voice. There was something deep inside his question. You know, the Puritans said troubles come in battalions.

Do you ever notice troubles never come one at a time? How many know that? Oh, come on now. If you got trouble, you don't have one trouble. I bet you could list a dozen troubles to me. If you got one, you got a dozen.

They come in battalions. They learned that hundreds of years ago. Man, anybody can tell you that. David said, I will say unto God my rock, why hast thou forgotten me? In other words, what's going on? But you see, God's calling him to a place beyond all his doubts.

He still has doubts, or he wouldn't be asking why. And God is dealing with David in this now. And it's showing on his countenance now. He used to sing. He used to praise the Lord. He had a beautiful countenance, the scripture said.

But he's got an impatient heart now. He's become impatient with God. It was not just David's enemies that said, where is thy God? They were taunting David. Where's your God? But that's the same thing was going on in David's heart.

God, where are you? It was not just his enemies. It's David saying that. God, where are you? I have prayed. I've sought you. I don't see the answer to my prayer. Now, every Christian listening to me now in this place knows what it's like to intercede and pray.

And you have given him what you thought was ultimate faith that you're capable of, even though it's just childlike faith. You've prayed, and it hasn't happened. Frankly, you did not get your answer. And you're saying, why, God?

Why have you not answered me? Why do I go mourning all the day? David says in the same chapter, hope thou in God. Hope in God. In the original Hebrew, it reads, wait patiently on God, for I shall yet give him thanks.

Wait patiently on God. God's getting, the reason he's going down deep, he's getting now to the real issue. You know what the real issue is? A spirit of impatience. He's a little peeved at God for not working on his time schedule.

David's got the idea, Lord, it's too late. It's past time. He, he came to the end of his faith. Folks, you can't come to the end of your faith, and then it's not faith. But there, there, we, we are an impatient people, especially Americans.

And I don't care what country you come from, you live here in America one year, you're going to catch it. Go to McDonald's. If, if they're five minutes late. I saw a man the other day, he couldn't wait.

I was over McDonald's on ninth, and he was waiting and the girl was doing something. He's, oh, forget it, and walked out. It's not enough that he's going to have fast food. He's going to have it now, fast food.

Waiting Patiently for God’s Timing

I think this instant everything has gotten into our walk with God. I believe in Holy Ghost timing. I believe there's a time when God says, I will answer you in my time, in my way. And not one hour, one minute before, whether you understand it, whether you like it or not, I am not going to do it until everything is right.

And pray and scream all you want. God says, I know when, and if you'll resign to my way, I'll do it in my way, in my time. And when I do it, I'll do it suddenly. Suddenly it'll be there. David had it out with his soul as if to say to his heart, now settle down soul.

You're impatient. You're upset. You're fretting. You're angry. You're accusing the Lord of not being concerned because you have impatience in you. Things have not turned out the way you prayed and it got to you.

And folks, sometimes it just gets to you. And that's what, that's where some of you are right now. David's saying, but soul, you're going to hope in God. You're going to remember all of God's faithfulness in your past.

And you remember that God has always brought you through every trouble and every trial. He that delivered you in the past will deliver you now. David said, I shall praise him who is the health of my countenance, who is the good look on my face, what it really means.

It's the happiness that is expressed on my countenance. It's the rest and the peace. I've got to acknowledge to you, I don't always have that. I have to work at that. I really have to work with that. There's a tendency to get up in the morning to think of all the things you have to do and all the birds on your back and start picking them up and put them on your back.

And then by the time you get to the bathroom and look in the mirror, you have to say, who's that? I'm not talking about the hair everywhere and the beard and all of the stuff they put on their faces. I'm talking about a spirit that comes on us that affects our countenance, that sadness, that droopiness.

I shall praise him who is the health of my countenance. Joel prophesied of a time when there would be great fear and gloom that would cover the whole earth. He said, the people shall be much pained and their faces shall gather darkness.

There's going to be a darkness on their face. Listen, you people that are from outside New York, have you looked at the faces around here? Have you seen? Have you walked down Broadway and seen? How many smiles have you seen?

God help us if people stand right outside of Times Square Church and don't see. I don't want to see people come away from this church the way they come out of these theaters. I walked by a theater that was dismissing the other night and people were coming.

I didn't understand that. That was nothing. That was nothing. They spent 75 bucks a piece for nothing. And they're coming out, long faces, lighting up their cigarettes. There's not a smile anywhere. Their faces are darkened, the scripture says.

And our faces all around you are going to get darker and darker. That means more gloom and more doom. There's sadness such you've never seen. You see it on the faces. I was in a restaurant last week and I saw a young couple and the whole time they're just like they're about to break, like they're about to cry.

The burden of the world upon them. Jeremiah warned Judah and Israel of a day of great trembling and fear and not of peace. And all the faces shall become pale. Just pale. The blood rushes out from them because there's no hope.

No hope. But folks, God wants to change our countenance. I honestly believe that people who really trust God have better health than anybody else. Because I believe unbelief affects your body. Now I'm not trying to, I'm not suggesting that everything that you go through is a result of unbelief.

Sometimes it has to do with the way we eat. It has to do with our lifestyle. It has to do with so many other things. Sometimes testings of the Lord. But I tell you that the Bible says right now He is the health, health of my countenance.

It's not just that He puts a smile on my face. If my soul is at rest, my stomach is not putting out this acid. If my soul is at rest, my nerves are not shaky. If I believe God and I've put all my burdens on Him and I really trust the Lord, there's a calm that comes.

There's a peace that passes all understanding. That's got to affect your health. For years I had colitis. That's a Latin word, means collide. A problem, you hit a problem and it breaks out in your body.

Some people get headaches. It just affects the body. And with a combination of nutrition and confidence and rest in the Lord. I told the Lord last year, I can't go like this. I'm not going to do it anymore.

You have to bring me to that rest. Now that rest that's promised in Hebrews is simply a resignation to the will of God and committing yourselves wholeheartedly to the will of God. Sink or swim, live or die.

I'm the Lord's and I'm going to put my life in His hands. Whatever. If I have, if I lose everything and have to live in a tent, if I have to live in just on the street, I will trust Him. I'm not going to let these things get to me.

He is the health of my countenance. He said, I will never leave you nor forsake you. I'll go with you to the end. I'll go with you to the end. So no matter what we go through, he said, I'm with you. And as long as he's with us, that should bring us the confidence that we need.

Unbelief as a Source of Spiritual Dryness

By the way, folks, trusting in God is not an option. I used to think, well, if I don't trust God, I'm the only one that suffers. I may lose the blessing, but that's not so. The Bible says it's a curse and it deeply offends God.

It offends the Lord. We think that drugs and alcohol and homosexuality and all these things offend the Lord. I'm telling you, those were not the things that kept Israel out of the promised land. It was unbelief.

This is the sin that grieves God more than any other sin. Of course, all these other sins are a result of unbelief. They stem from unbelief that causes pride in flesh. I want you to go with me to Jeremiah, 17th chapter, 17th chapter of Jeremiah.

By the way, you know what the Bible says? You have need of patience after you've done the will of the Father that you might receive the promise. You have need of patience. If you've got an impatient spirit, take it to the Lord and ask him to forgive you and give you a waiting heart on him.

Hallelujah. All right, I want you to go to Jeremiah 17. Let's start verse 5. If you have King James, just follow me. Thus saith the Lord, Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the Lord.

For he shall be like the heath in the desert, and shall not see when good cometh, but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land, and not inhabit it. Look this way, folks. This is the curse of all who will not trust fully in God and lean on the arm of flesh.

That means your own flesh or the flesh of somebody else. Rather than taking it to God and resigning to his perfect will and believing that he's going to answer your prayer, it's running off trying to make it work, trying to manipulate, make telephone calls.

I mean just go at it trying to make it work. This happens in relationships when somebody's praying for a mate sometimes and God seems to have been delaying the answer. So what do some do? They manipulate.

They go and trust the flesh. And what you get is a fleshly mate. You don't get a spiritual mate. You get what you went after. You get flesh because flesh creates flesh. And you won't wait on God. You won't wait for his time.

You say, well, I'm getting older. I've got to move. I've got to do something about it. Nobody will want me. I'm not trying to be facetious. I'm telling you that there's a curse that goes with trying to take matters in your own hands.

There's a curse. You know what that curse is? The perpetual dryness. You're like a heath in the desert. That's just a sprig that's got thorns on it. There's no leaves. There's no fruit. There's nothing of beauty.

It's just there in a dry wilderness. It's a dryness. It's an emptiness. There's no fruit. He's listening. Cursed is the man the trusted man makes flesh his arm whose heart departed from the Lord. Depart.

Always in the scripture when you depart from the Lord is departing from faith. They've departed from faith in him. This person should be like the heath or the shrub in the desert and shall not see when good cometh.

This person will never have their prayer answers. They'll never see the good that they desire. The very thing that they think will bring some peace or satisfaction. There'll be no good that that comes out of it.

And even the good things like the rain from heaven, all it does is give growth to the thorns. It gives growth to that which is fruitless and empty. In other words, the emptiness grows. The fruitlessness becomes unbearable in a desert dry place.

Folks, I don't want to be in a desert. I don't want to live my Christian life dry and empty without fruit. But that's what unbelief brings. Verse seven. Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord and whose hope the Lord is.

For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters that spread it out of roots. The Lord said, I'm going to plant you. You're not even going to depend on the rain. You're going to have living water. You're going to go down deep where the water is always there.

You don't have to wait for the rain. This is the end of side one. People, you even sing it, send the rain, send the rain, Lord, because a lot of people are dry and they need rain. But those that are planted by the Holy Ghost, those who believe God explicitly are taking root down into the eternal river of the Holy Spirit's life and power and rivers.

He said, you will always be green. You'll always be fruitful. That spread out her roots by the river shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green and shall not be careful in the year of drought.

Neither shall cease from yielding fruit. Folks, I want to bear fruit to the day I die. I want to be a green tree with life. Hallelujah. Glory to God. There's a story in the 30th chapter of Isaiah. In the 30th chapter of Isaiah, Israel has a problem.

Trusting God Instead of Human Strategies

They've got an army coming against them, Assyrians coming against them. Listen to me. There is nothing more dangerous than sharp minds making plans without God. Nothing more dangerous. They call it strategizing, networking.

Let me tell you again, there's nothing more dangerous than men and women of God with sharp minds making their own plans without trusting God, without consulting with the Holy Ghost, without being led by God.

I've heard ministers stand in the pulpit and preach, look, God gave us a good mind, use it. Yes, use it. But only after consulting the Holy Ghost and after getting directions from him and not leaning on the arm of the flesh.

I talked to a brother who was pastor of a great church and one of his friends told me, he said, you know, he could do this without the Holy Ghost. He's so bright. He could be CEO of a big corporation.

This guy's a brain. He does this on his brain. In the 30th chapter, they're princes rather than seek the face of God. They've got a delegation. They've got an ambassadorship going down to Hanes in Egypt and they're loaded down with donkeys and camels full of gold and silver and precious jewels to bribe the Egyptian army to come and fight for them.

Now, had they been walking in faith, they would have known that just a few could put ten thousands to chase, that God would fight their battles. They had believed God in the past, but now they're going to do this in their own strength.

God spoke, woe to the rebellious children, declares the Lord, verse one, who execute a plan, but not my plan. They make an alliance, but not of my spirit, who proceed, verse two, to go down to Egypt without consulting me.

And when God's saying, you don't trust me anymore, you're doing it your own way. You don't seek me for direction. Verse 15, the scripture says, in quietness, in trust is your strength, but you were not willing.

In quietness and trust is your strength. How many see that in verse 15? If you really believe God, you're going to have a quietness of spirit. You're not going to be uptight. You're going to be relaxed.

You're saying, God's got everything under control. God's taking care of this. You may not see it, but you say, God's taking care of it. This ought to be the talk of Christians. God's taking care of it.

My God has everything under control. My God's doing it his way, his time. I rest in it. I'm not going to lose sleep over it. They went down to Egypt, tried to bribe Pharaoh's army, but they were rejected and they came home in shame.

Now the prophet Isaiah is crying aloud to them, now go home and rest in God. Turn back to him, be calm and quiet and trust in him and you'll be delivered. When they came to the end of themselves, now, in essence, it was said, now you trusted me, wait on me.

The Egyptians are men. They're not God. Their horses are flesh, not spirit. But when I stretched out my hand, they shall all fall together. The Lord of hosts shall come down to fight for Mount Zion. Then shall the Assyrians fall, not with the sword of man, but the sword of the Lord.

Hallelujah. Not the sword of man, but the sword of the Lord. The scripture is absolutely full of story after story of men, even like Asa. Asa was a man who did right in the sight of God. He was a man of faith and one time Zerah, the Ethiopian king, came against him with a million-man army.

He had 300 iron chariots and Asa was outnumbered three to one and his army looks at that massive army that is filling the valleys, coming at him, and he trusted God. He didn't gather them together and say, look, you all have bright minds, you're all military leaders, anybody got a plan?

If they were American Christians, you know what they'd do? Yeah, we got a plan, we'll call it BAM, beat Assyrians millions, beat Assyrian millions. They'd have some catchy title to it, they'd be strategizing and trying to figure it all out and they'd lose the battle.

But look what Asa did. And Asa cried to the Lord his God and said, Lord, it's nothing with thee to help, whether with many or with them that have no power. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rest on you and in your name do we go against this multitude.

O Lord, you are our God, let not man prevail against thee. So the Lord smote the Ethiopians before Asa and the Ethiopians fled. They were overthrown that they could never recover themselves. No strategy, no planning of the flesh, the calling on the name of the Lord in faith and confidence in him.

The Altar Call: Laying Down Burdens by Faith

Now I know that there are people, and I'm going to close right now, there are, this is the reason the Lord put this message on my heart this afternoon. There's some of you really going through a period right now where you're just a little impatient.

You can't understand how you can go much longer either in your finances, you can't go much longer the way things are in your home, you don't know how you're going to be able to hold out because your spirit's troubled.

You're really going through it. All through the service I was sitting over here thinking about this altar call now, what I was supposed to, I want you to stand if you will, please. I'd like you to look this way for a moment.

I dearly love this congregation, everyone, and I feel his burden for you this afternoon. What is that prayer that you've been praying, that miracle that's needed in your life, a deliverance that has to come, something God promised you and you still don't see it, and because you haven't seen it, there's just something deep down inside that's saying, Lord, why and when?

And your faith is beginning to waver. Now he's not mad at you, but you see, it's not that God curses you because of unbelief, but unbelief brings its own curse of dryness and fruitlessness and emptiness.

The Lord says, I don't want that for you. I want you to take root. I want to plant you, and I want you to bear fruit, and I want you to have life. I want you to enjoy me. Folks, God wants you to enjoy.

Some of you don't even enjoy life at all. You don't even know what it's like. You haven't enjoyed the Lord really since you've known him. You walk through life so sad, so down, so weary. The Lord wants to lift that load, and the only way you can do it is if you resign to him and say, Lord, I will trust you.

I'm not going to try to figure this out, but Lord, you've got to bring a rest to me. I said that one time in my life. I said, God, I can't serve you this way. I can't serve you with a dryness in me. I can't serve you feeling down all the time.