TLP 334: The 5 Types of Parents | Dr. Joe Martin interview, Part 2

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This is that mom or dad who doesn't whine about the past, they don't sit there worrying about the future, they're not waiting to be rescued from their responsibilities, and they're not afraid of being wounded again.

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Welcome to Truth. Love. Parents. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, A .M. Brewster. If you joined us last time, you know how absolutely, extremely, painfully valuable our time with Dr.

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Joe Martin is going to be today. If you didn't join us last time, then you need to stop this episode and listen to the other one first, alright?

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Now, for those of you who are back with us, we are going to discuss the fourth parent we don't want to be, and then talk about the fifth and final parent

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God does want us to be. And please, make sure you subscribe to Real Men Connect and follow

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Joe on social media for weekly encouragement from God's Word. Really, you won't regret it. Also, please leave us a review on iTunes to let us know how helpful

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Dr. Martin has been. Now, let's pick up where we left off last time. So, Joe, why don't you just kind of do a recap for us real quick of the three parents that we discussed last time.

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Yeah, Aaron, we talked about, well, we covered at least three of the types of parents that really we want to avoid being, but I confess that I was guilty of all three of those, and even the fourth one we're going to discuss in a minute, but we talked about the whiner, that's the white babies, that's the person, that's the parent who is living in their past.

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They're living in their past because the pain of their past prevents them from moving forward.

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We mentioned also the worrier, this person who is concerned about the future, and it's hard for them to move forward because the what ifs, where we had the whiner, they're the white babies, the worrier parent, they're trying to be helicopter parents, they're trying to protect their kids from everything and everybody.

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Now, that's a bad thing, but it's impossible. We're not God, and so we try to keep our kids from making mistakes, from us making mistakes with our kids, and we want them to have the life we never had, and sometimes that can,

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I call it loving them to death sometimes because we're not allowing God to be God, and then the last one we closed with was the waiter, and this is when we're paralyzed with being, we're paralyzed in the present because we're indecisive, become kind of passive and somewhat even apathetic, especially for men when we don't know what to do, so we just wait and expect somebody else to do it for us.

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We expect mom to step in. That's her job, or we expect the church to step in. That's their job to teach them about God, or we expect the school to jump in.

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It's their job to educate my children, and so we have this passive approach to parenting and expecting and putting too much trust in other people to do it for us when

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God has called us to step up to be the parents He's called us to be, so those are the three, the whiner, the worrier, and the waiter.

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And they have one more friend, one more friend that too often we're tempted to be like. This is the fourth parent.

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What do you call him or her? We call this parent the wounded, the wounded parent, and I must tell them if they're listening, maybe they didn't listen to the first show that you did, that I've been guilty of being the whiner.

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Looking at my past, I had a very, very traumatic childhood. I mentioned that and how that paralyzed me because I was living in the past, trying to make up every excuse of why

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I didn't want to have kids and didn't want to be a parent. Also, I told you before that I was the worrier because I didn't want to mess it up because I kept trying to be a good parent, trying to avoid what my parents, quote, were, but not being taught on what to do, and so I would worry about messing things up, always getting in trouble of doing the wrong thing and having to go back and apologize and trying to be perfect, and that was killing me as a parent, and then

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I got to the point that even as a waiter, I was that person who, since I didn't know what to do, I expected the people to step up for me and step in and not even question whether or not they were doing it right as long as I didn't have to do it, and all three of those parenting styles cost me, but the reason why this wounded one,

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I really relate to this one, Aaron, this one because it's hard for people to believe who know me now, but I do men's ministry, but what it's hard for people to understand,

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I don't really care too much about men, and so, what, you're in men's ministry, but you don't even like men because of the woundedness.

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Interesting. Most of the pain that was caused in my life was a result of men wounding me from being sexually abused by a man who told me he loved me and I trusted, who abused me for three years of my life in my childhood, to my dad abandoning me and not being there for me to teach me how to be a man, to even being angry at my grandfather, who

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I loved dearly, who died when I was only 10 years old. I was mad at him because he wasn't there anymore, and I was mad at God, and of course, assuming

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God was a man, you know, like me. So, I had these wounds, these childhood wounds growing up, and so,

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I lacked trust. So, the wounded parent is that parent who tends to isolate themselves from other people.

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They live in solitude. They suffer in silence. Now, they may put on a good face.

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Everything's cool. Everything's good, but deep down inside, they are suffering from some really bad insecurities.

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They constantly doubt themselves. They question their worth, and they say stuff to themselves,

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I'm not a good parent. I'm a horrible parent. Who do I think I'm fooling? Everybody knows, and I got all these people fooled, but they're going to realize, they're scared of the world finding out that they're a bad parent, that they're, quote, ruining their children, and they walk around with a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, because they've made a lot of mistakes, and they continue to make mistakes, but they don't want anybody to find out about it.

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So, they just walk around wounded all the time. This is interesting, because, okay, so, the whiner was stuck in the past.

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The worrier was too focused on the future. The waiter was just kind of stagnant in the present.

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And the waiter is indecisive in the present. Exactly, but I see how this wounded person, in a way, can either be a result of either of those three, or all three of those, but they can also lead into that.

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For example, somebody who is maybe worried about the future, isn't worried about the future because they have been wounded, and yet,

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I can see how a wounded parent could very easily worry about the future, how a wounded parent has a lot in the past over which they can whine about, right?

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And how a wounded parent could easily be tempted to just wait, wait for somebody else to step up and do something.

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Have you experienced that? Have you seen how that one can just embody all the other three? Matter of fact,

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I'm going to say it even, and say it more succinctly for you, okay? Because you're right on target, Aaron. And this is the way

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I explain it to parents. A wounded parent is one who suffers from a hurtful past.

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That's the whiner. Remember the whiner? They're living in the past, making an excuse for the past. They suffer from a helpless present.

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Now, that's the waiter. They're stuck. Right now, I'm just feeling helpless. I don't know what to do, so God, rescue me.

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Rescue me. They suffer from a hopeless future. Why even bother?

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That's the what -ifs. That's the worrier. I'm never going to get this right anyway.

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And so they find themselves stuck in shame. So, yeah, you're absolutely right. They're all tied in together. That's why I think this one resonates with me the most, because it encompasses all the others, but it manifests itself in different ways.

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And what it manifests itself in is us pulling. And I say us when I walked in it, pulling myself away from the people who mattered the most.

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It's not expressing my whole self, not showing up fully present. And you see it a lot in dads.

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You see it a lot in dads. That's the dad who's physically in the home but not emotionally connected to his kids.

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That's the dad who has, quote, anger issues, anger management problems, in which he has these sudden outbursts, and the kids have to walk on eggshells around him.

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And it's not that he's a bad person, even though he may come across as being that, it's that he's just wounded. Now, mothers are not immune from this.

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Mothers can be. My mom was a wounded woman. And if you knew her past,

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Aaron, you would see why. She has a lot of trauma. She had a lot of trauma in her past.

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Well, I think one thing that we're seeing in the... She was medicated with... I'm sorry, what was that? I was just going to say one thing that we're seeing in the

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Me Too movement, and one of the good things that it kind of produced is people having the courage to step up and say,

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Me Too. And I think that, especially even in the church, we're seeing that a lot of people have been wounded in many, many ways, and they've been hiding it this whole time.

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And my mom, she... So for the mothers out there listening, my mom could relate to this one. If I had to look at all of them, my mom probably would have been this one the most because she had so much trauma in her past, and she couldn't get past it.

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And it had her stuck in the present, and it had her feeling hopeless about the future, about her relationship with us and what she could do as a mom.

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And so we tend... The shame and the guilt, which you know comes from the enemy, is there just to pounce on you.

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And then what happens, you pull away. You get afraid about being around people. You get afraid about opening up your heart to other people, especially even your children.

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And it's hard for you to move forward because the shame has you stuck. The shame has you stuck. You're so ashamed of...

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Because you're afraid of trusting anybody again. Because you're afraid of being hurt. And what do they say?

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Hurting people hurt other people. And a lot of times, if you find yourself in a role of being a parent where you say,

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I love my kids, so why do I hurt them so much? Why do I find myself always having to go fix things?

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How come I always find myself lashing out, belittling them, or especially if they've done something bad and you're punishing them, that wow, you're very...

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The punishment doesn't fit the crime. And to the point you're also breaking their spirit.

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You're not an evil person. You're just a wounded person who is in need of healing.

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And not only do hurting people hurt other people, hurting people are easily hurt.

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So that means they're easily triggered by things that remind them of their past, remind them of their inadequacies, their insecurities, their fears, their doubts, their shame, their guilt.

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And then they defend themselves by attacking back or running away from everybody.

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Either they're all on top of you or they're running away and you can't find them. And they become emotionally disconnected.

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And you can't possibly raise healthy children if you're mostly disconnected from them. They have to know you.

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You have to know them. They want to know your heart. They want to get close to you. But you're not allowing them to do it.

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And that was me. That was me because I didn't trust even opening up myself up to my children initially.

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Because they would think less of me. I mentioned in the last show about my ex -wife. There's a reason why she's my ex -wife,

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Aaron. Because I was wounded. And she didn't know about my traumatic past until they reared its ugly head in our marriage.

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And she didn't realize that I... Could you keep that from her? Oh yeah, I kept it from her. Man, a porn addiction, a sex addiction.

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I didn't tell her about that. And I regret that more than anything in the world because she didn't sign up for that.

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And so she couldn't understand this erratic behavior. How come he doesn't want to be around us? How come he's always pulling away?

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How come he's... I'm not the man... The man I am today wasn't the man that was married to her. She wouldn't recognize this man today.

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But because I was wounded, I was that wounded man. And I became a wounded... Not only did I marry her as a wounded man,

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I became a wounded husband who in turn became a wounded father. And it wasn't until after our divorce that I came to the end of myself.

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And when you know when you don't have anything else, and you're thinking, my life is over and I'm calling out to God, God help me. God had to bring me to the end of myself and deal with my wounded heart.

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And I took it to him for healing. And it changed me dramatically. And I hate to say this,

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Aaron, I became a better father after the divorce. Because no longer now was

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I trying to hide from this woman. I was by myself and God had to deal with me by myself. And now in turn, my son had to watch this process.

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And that's when I became to open up to him as a husband. That's why I can talk about these things with you right now openly.

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Being a porn addict, sex addict. Joe, he said that on the air. You think this is the first time somebody's hearing this?

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No, everybody knows it now. My wife knows it, my son, my daughter, all the guys who follow us in our ministry.

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Because now I can talk about this freely. You know why, Aaron? Because I am free.

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I'm free now walking in the victory that God has given me. No longer do I walk with the shame tag.

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Now, you may judge me, Aaron. But guess what, Aaron? I don't care if you judge me because you ain't the judge.

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You're just one of them. But you're not the judge. So the freedom I walk in now is freedom now to love my kids freely with reckless abandon.

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To love them, being vulnerable, open to them. So they can see the real me, not the mask that I put on or the facade that I put up just so I can be accepted.

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And so I guess out of all the different parents, this is the one I relate to the most because this one's the one that probably caused me the most damage.

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It was this. This ruined a 16 -year marriage for me. And I realize now that I can't help you walk,

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Aaron, if I'm wounded. I need to get healed. I can't run if I'm limping.

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I can't walk if I'm crawling. And so I need help. And I needed to get healing for that woundedness.

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So if there's a parent out there, and I'm harping on this because I know they're out there listening. I know they're out there listening,

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Aaron. And I'm telling you that the healer is ready to heal you totally.

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Totally. You know, you asked me on the last show about my Bible verse, and I mentioned about my anchor verse for this season.

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I told you Matthew 6 -33. Before that, Aaron, my key verse was 2

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Corinthians 5 -17. Oh, I love it. It gives me the chills every time I repeat it.

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If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature.

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The old man is gone, and all things have been made new. Hallelujah.

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Praise the Lord. I'm the new man. You're talking and interviewing the new man, Aaron. That's 2

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Corinthians 5 -17. That has been my anchor verse ever since my divorce. I am a new creature in Christ.

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So those out there who happen to be in this category of being that wounded parent, you're not your past.

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You're not who you even think you are or who others say you are. You're who God says you are in Christ, and you're the righteousness of Jesus Christ.

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So you're more than what you've given yourself credit for. And so you don't have to walk in the woundedness of now being the wounded parent so you're going to be wounding your children.

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You can choose today that that person no longer lives because you're now in Christ.

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Amen. Amen. Now, last time I kind of mentioned a different biblical character who lined up with each of these, and I was kind of thinking through what biblical parent could we look at to be the wounded parent.

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But then, first of all, I was having a hard time really putting my finger on one. Maybe you could think of one. But then I thought of one who could have been a wounded parent.

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Well, I got one in mind, but I can't wait to hear yours. Who are you thinking about? Well, this man could have easily been a wounded parent.

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Who knows? Maybe he exhibited some of that at some point in his life. But I see him, instead of giving into it, he did what we all need to do.

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I think about David. That's who I was thinking. Exactly. That's exactly what I was thinking about,

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David. Yes. So David was wounded by Saul. I mean Saul was, man, he was throwing his flesh for decades.

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Then he wounded himself through his sins by committing adultery with Bathsheba.

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And then having Uriah killed. And we see all of these things that could have turned into these deep, deep scars.

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That did have effects in his life, but could have turned into worse. But I think this is the key. I think this is what turned

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David from the potential of being a wounded father to being our next category, which we'll get to in a minute.

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Nathan comes to him. Nathan was the prophet. He comes to him in 2 Samuel 12. And it's a famous passage where he comes in and he tells this parable.

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Basically trying to show David what it was he did. And David, listening to the parable, just realizes the wickedness of what is being described.

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And he basically just says, you know, the person who did that, that person needs to be punished. In fact, the

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Bible says in verse 5, David's anger burned greatly against the man. And he said to Nathan, As the

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Lord lives, surely the man who has done this deserves to die. He must make restitution for the

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Lamb fourfold because he did this thing and had no compassion. So he's seeing the sin as God sees it.

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He just doesn't realize yet that he's talking about himself. So then in verse 7, that famous line, Nathan says to David, you are the man.

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Now, he didn't mean that like you're the man. That wasn't what he meant. What he meant here is you are the man in the story.

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That sin that that man committed that you hate so much, you did that. And this is where I think in David's life, he could have become a wounded man.

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But this is where he chose to respond the right way. And the key was exactly what you're telling us.

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The key was for him to acknowledge truth. The truth was that God is who he says he is. The truth is that God hates sin.

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The truth is that David himself was a sinner. Yes, bad things happened to him. Yes, David did bad things.

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But was he going to be identified by what happened to him and the sins of his past?

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Or was he going to be identified by who he could be in God? We would say in Christ. And that's where we see

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David choosing to apologize and repent. He admitted,

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I have sinned. And he went through the process of correctly repenting, turning from that sin.

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And he suffered even more consequences. His firstborn son through Bathsheba died because of that.

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But he still said, I am going to do what's right. In fact, at the end, after his son had died, his servants were amazed.

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Because even though he had been mourning, he kind of had this peace and this joy about him.

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And they came to him and said, you know, you were mourning before he died. Now your son's dead and you're no longer mourning.

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And just kind of paraphrasing here, but David basically says, I trust God. I trust God. And he trusted

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God where his son was going to be. And he trusted God where David himself was going to be when he died.

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And so I see that possibility there where David so totally could have become this wounded man and been affected by it, and likely his parenting was.

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But I see too how God used that situation in his life to showing, broadcasting his wounds that was going to lead him to the next stage.

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Now before we get to the next stage, do you want to wrap anything up in there? Do you want to get some advice to wounded parents out there?

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Yeah, I definitely do. And I think you hit it right on point, Aaron, because David was exactly who

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I was thinking about in reference to the kind of parent who's a wounded parent. And so we can learn a lot from David's life.

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As much as David is touted in the Bible, and we kind of forget a lot of things that he did that were wrong, but God still called him a man after his own heart.

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And what makes David so unique was he had a heart that was bent towards God. It wasn't that David was perfect, but whenever David got in trouble or he messed up, he cried out to God.

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My son had asked me one time, he said, Daddy, I don't understand. He said, David seemed to do a lot more bad things than Saul did.

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How come God seemed so harsh with Saul but gave David so much grace? And I told my son very easily,

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I said, Kendall, and my son was probably about 12 or 13 at the time, I said, Kendall, it's very easy. I said, when David and Saul messed up, what did each one do?

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He said, Saul always made an excuse. I said, what did David do? He said, David always accepted responsibility.

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And I said, Kendall, that's all you can do as a man is to own and take responsibility for what you do.

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But for the wounded parent out there, this is the key to me that helped me come out of the woundedness of being a wounded parent.

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Because when you're wounded, it's hard for you to trust anybody. It is very, very difficult. Because I don't care what people tell you, you know what people have done to you and what you've seen.

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It's hard to tell David, you got to trust another king after what

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Saul did to him. He tried to kill him. And so what I tell people to give them some type of healing when it comes to the woundedness is that I acknowledge the fact that you've been hurt.

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I've been hurt. And we can't trust everybody. We can't. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you.

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You can't trust everybody. But you're going to have to trust somebody. You're going to have to trust somebody, which means you have to start somewhere.

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So you can even write off the majority of the world, but you can't write off the whole world. And you have to ask

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God to reveal to you and show you who you can trust. Because when

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God reveals, if you open your heart just a little bit to who God reveals to you, who you can trust, it can change your life.

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And for me, it was my spiritual father who came into my life after my divorce. And it changed everything for me.

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And you're talking about for men who had abandoned me before, were angry with me, rejected me, abused me.

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And I said, okay, God, I can't do this by myself. I need help. And he sent me this one guy.

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And that guy I trusted, because I trusted the God in him, helped me to deal with my wounds.

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And so for that parent out there, there's no shame in being wounded. But you don't have to stay wounded. I know you've been betrayed.

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I know you've been hurt. And even by the people closest to you. And usually the people who are closest to you hurt you the most.

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But you're going to have to trust somebody. You cannot live not trusting. And to put it in perspective,

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Jesus already knew who he could trust and who he couldn't trust. And he still allowed himself to be hurt by them.

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He knew about Judas and still allowed himself to be hurt by Judas. Still washed

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Judas' feet after knowing Judas was going to betray him. And guess what? When he washed his feet, he didn't scrub hard.

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He still did it without an attitude, knowing this man was going to betray him. Knowing Peter was going to deny him three times.

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But he's sending us a message. I knew what they were going to do to me, and I still trusted.

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I'm just asking my children to do the same. You can't trust everybody, because the heart of man is wicked.

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But you're going to have to trust somebody. And in that trust, you're going to find me, and your blessing is going to be there. And that's what

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David did. David trusted the Lord first and foremost. And then he trusted those who were ambassadors of the

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Lord, specifically in this passage, Nathan. It was Nathan. Yeah, absolutely. He trusted him. And that's what allowed

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David to become this fifth parent. Now, this fifth parent, the previous four are the ones that we don't want to be.

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Those are the ones that we see the ugliness. We look into it, and we go, oh, yeah, that's me. In fact, some of these discussions about being wounded could be bringing up some really, really hard memories.

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I know it is for me. I'll just be honest. But if we end up really bowing down and worshipping those scars, worshipping those people who wounded us, and I say worship, not from like, we love them, we want to be like them, but what we value is what we spend our time on.

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If we're going to parent in relationship to how I was treated in the past, we're worshipping that thing, we're valuing that thing in our parenting more than we are valuing

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God's word. So if you're like me, and you're like, man, this has been rough, what is the answer?

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We've talked about how we can break free from these individually, but like Joe said earlier, he said, you know, there's a difference between knowing what not to be and knowing what to be.

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The Bible says we need to put off, we need to renew, and we need to put on. So we've talked about the putting off, and we've talked about how we can renew our minds in these moments.

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Let's talk about now that fifth parent, this parent that we need to put on. What do we call him? You know, we call him the warrior, the warrior, or her, the warrior.

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And I like what you just said, Aaron, you said to put on, because it's a choice. And let all, please hear what

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I'm getting ready to say. These types of parents, whether it be the whiner, the warrior, the waiter, the wounded, please hear what

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I'm getting ready to say. They're not who you are, it's a choice you make.

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They're not really people. They're just choices. I choose to whine and complain and make excuses for why

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I am the way I am. I choose to worry and to question and doubt the future and second guess myself.

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I choose to do nothing and wait for God to rescue me from my problems and my issues and my challenges and my obstacles.

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I choose to wait. I choose to be wounded and to stay wounded.

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I didn't choose for that to happen to me, but I choose the way

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I responded to it, to stay in a wounded condition. I mean, all

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God's been telling me to do, pick up your mat and walk. Do you want to be healed?

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I haven't met a parent yet who's wounded, who doesn't want to be healed. Do you want to be healed,

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Joe Martin? Do you want to be healed, Aaron? Yes. Pick up your mat and walk. And when we get up,

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Matt, to make the choice, Jesus said, see how great I am. No, Aaron, Joe Martin, your faith has healed you.

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It's a choice. So when it comes to the warrior, guess what that is? A choice.

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You choose to work. Now, who is the warrior? This is that mom or dad who doesn't whine about the past.

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They don't sit there worrying about the future and trying to be God in the

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Holy Spirit and thinking they can control everything. They're not waiting to be rescued from their responsibilities by God.

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And they're not afraid of being wounded again, because that's a lot of time why we stay wounded, because we don't want it to see it happen again.

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No, a warrior says, you know what? You can wound me as many times you want to wound me. I'm not going to choose to stay a victim.

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I'm not going to choose to whine about it and complain about it. I'm not going to choose to worry about it. And I'm not going to choose to wait till something happens and God takes you out.

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I'm not waiting. I'm not going to do any. I'm going to choose to be proactive. Because the last time

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I checked, God has given me something. He's given me his word, which is my sword. He's given me a shield of faith.

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He gave me a helmet of salvation and truth, the belt of truth. And I'm walking in the gospel of peace.

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He's equipped me to fight for what is right. To fight for what

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Jesus already died for and already became victorious over. I'm not fighting for victory.

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I'm fighting from a position of victory. Already victorious. That's right. I'm already victorious. I have victory.

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I can tell the devil what to do and what he can't do. Hands off my family,

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Satan. I don't care what kind of past I had right now.

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What God tells me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I'm more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ.

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I believe in what he says over what I saw. What I experienced.

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I'm no longer my past. I'm not worried about the future because he's already been there, done that.

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And he's already knows what my future is. He's already told me is to prosper me. He told me that.

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So my future is assured and guaranteed. My present, the last time

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I checked, he gives me my daily bread. I get fed from him.

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Every word that comes out of his mouth comes to me to feed me. So I don't have to worry about the future.

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I don't have to worry about the present. He is taking care and supplying all my needs according to his riches and glory.

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I'm walking in the truth. My my future has been already secured. My eternity is already been determined for me.

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And he's even telling me as I continue to walk in spite of my past, in spite of not knowing what to do with my present, in spite of the uncertainty of the future.

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He's telling me if you continue to walk with me, Joe Martin, as the warrior, I will solidify your legacy.

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Because as you continue to walk, you will look back and say, look how far he's brought me from. You know,

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I told you I mentioned earlier on the show before about how my mom and dad, we can't ruin God's plans.

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And even with my mom and dad not being the greatest of parents, they would tell you they weren't the greatest of parents.

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But what they would tell you is that they believed in God. And in spite of that,

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God took care of their children. Well, basically, we weren't their children.

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We were his children. He just chose him to steward over us. And I think that's what I want. I want parents to understand as warriors, we don't own anything.

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We don't own our children. God has chosen us to fight for our children. Watch it,

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Aaron, and train them up so they can fight for themselves. We got to teach them how to become warriors.

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Now you see why dad prays so much. Now you see why dad worships the way he worships.

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Now you see why your dad cries out to God the way he cries. I'm training you up because I'm fighting for you when you didn't know how to fight.

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You thought dad was Superman. You thought mom was Wonder Woman. No, let me tell you the truth.

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God taught us how to fight. We were trained up and now he's given us you as a responsibility to train you up in the way you should go.

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So you don't depart from those ways. We are warriors. We are fighters.

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What does that mean? That means there will be an attack. I don't care what anybody's been telling you.

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I'm talking to my children. I don't care what anybody said. They've been lying to you. You will go through trouble.

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You will have trials and tribulations. The enemies are going to go on an all out assault on you.

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Don't cry. Don't get scared. I'm going to teach you how to fight because I was trained on how to fight.

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And if I'm making disciples like Jesus told me, I'm going to train you how to fight. We don't fight just against flesh and blood.

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We got to fight in the spirit. I'm going to show you how to fight in the spirit so you don't have to walk in fear. God did not give you a spirit of fear, but a power of love and a sound mind.

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Don't worry. I got you. I'm going to teach you and train you up so you can be mighty warriors. My daughter is going to be a warrior.

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My son is going to be a warrior. I mean, when they're babies, that's what I'm speaking over their lives. God, you are raising up warriors for the kingdom.

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You ever notice in the Bible, every time they encountered an angel, what was the first words come out? What were the first words the angel would say?

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Fear not. I always thought that was interesting. I thought angels were to be these nice, flowery people with wings.

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Why are you talking about fear not? Unless they got to have some battle gear on or something.

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As if they're ready to go to war. No, their angels are warrior angels. And see, when you go to battle, when we talk about being warriors, that means since we are going to have to fight, we already got the victory, but we still got to fight.

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What I'm telling you is that there is no retreat. There is no surrender. We don't run away.

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I'm going to die with a spear in my chest, not in my back.

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You won't face the enemy. Face him. And we keep thinking now, here's the danger.

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Again, we're scared to fight. We want to be that waiter. Remember the waiter? God's going to do it. You ever notice in the

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Bible, every time they would go off to war, God would tell them, you got the victory, Joshua. Y 'all can get the victory.

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What was interesting, how come he always told me they had the victory, but then they still had to go fight? Yeah, I don't get that part.

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God, why don't you just strike all enemies dead? Then they don't have to fight. They got the victory. Instant victory. Wait upon the

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Lord. Here's my word to you, Joshua. That land is yours. I don't care how big they are.

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I don't care what they're telling you. I don't care what the report's coming back from the spies. I'm giving you that land.

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Now, why don't God just stop there? Now go take it. Go take it. That's the worry.

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We can't be reactive parents. We can't be passive parents. We got to be proactive parents.

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Pray without ceasing for your children. That's warring for your kids. Interceding for your kids.

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When they become prodigals, some of them will, and they leave, and you thought, but I thought

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I did everything I could, God. I don't understand. I worship you, God. I praise you. But they still.

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That's going to happen in spite of how good you were. That's why we have to understand this false insecurity as if we can fix our kids.

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You can be the greatest parents in the world and your kids still be back crazy. That's right. You know, you don't believe me.

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God was the perfect parents. How do Adam and Eve turn out? And the children of Israel. Yeah, that's right. And the children of Israel.

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God made them. Judas. Yeah, Judas. Come on. So God's telling you, don't take all the credit when you're doing it right.

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But don't take all the blame when you're doing it wrong. I'm still God. I'm still sovereign. So the thing is, we have to step up and say,

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God, I'm going to do what you called me to do. I'm going to pray. So when they're prodigal and you think you've blown it, no, you haven't.

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Be a warrior. Keep praying for him. Keep going to the throne, God's throne of grace and mercy interceding for him.

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Tell the enemy, take your hands off them. You got to come at me to get through them. Declare it and say, this is war.

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God called us to a battlefield, not a playground. And a lot of us, we keep believing that things are going to be great because we gave ourselves over to Christ.

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No, it just started. The fight has just started. And I must fight every day on behalf of my children, on behalf of my marriage, my family.

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We must be warriors, not worriers, not whiners, not waiters and not wounded.

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We must be warriors. And I hear so much how important it is to make sure you're following the right marching orders.

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Our society tells us that children are an inconvenience. Get rid of them. If you choose to have them, you choose to have them as a badge of honor so that when you're old and gray, you have someone to take care of you.

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But that's not at all what God says. In fact, successful parenting is by no means, it doesn't really have anything to do with how your kids turn out.

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For you to be a successful parent is for you to be a faithful parent, even when your kids don't turn out well.

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It has nothing to do with how my kids are going to be in the future and whether they're going to take care of me or whether they're going to be an inconvenience.

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So we need to make sure that they were being a warrior, but that we're following the right marching orders.

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Because I tell you what, too many of his parents were fighting for the wrong general, you know, and that's not what

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God's called us to be. You know, Aaron, I think that's a great point you're making. Boy, I hope they caught that, what you just said.

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My spiritual father, when I told you, always quoting Matthew 633 at me every time when I have a problem.

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He said something to me one day when I was in whining mode about ministry, about how tough it is to minister to men.

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Because, you know, men can be hard, you know, hard -headed, hard -hearted. And he said something, kind of what you said, but he said it this way,

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Aaron. He says, Joe, I see, I hear how hard it is. Now you just put ministry and just put parenting.

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I know how hard parenting is, parenting these men, mentoring these men, discipling these men.

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I know how hard it is, Joe, and I feel for you. But Joe, God called you to be faithful, not successful.

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And I'm like, whoa. He says, let me ask you something. Have you been faithful to serving them?

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Yeah. Have you been faithful to supporting them? Have you been faithful in leading them by your example?

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Have you been faithful in sharpening those men? Have you been faithful in praying for those men and interceding for them?

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He said, then shut up, Joe. He said, that's it. He said, what you're concerned about is, quote, success.

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Based on your point of view of what success should look like. God already deems you successful because success is faithfulness.

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He says without faith, is it impossible? It's impossible to please him.

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So if you're faithful, what are you complaining about? Because they're not doing exactly what you expect them to do.

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And we can't expect children to do what we, they're not us. They're not carving copies of us.

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I want to be able to look at each one of my children and say and ask them, was I faithful to you as a parent?

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If they say yes, guess what? I can ask them that from a prison cell after they've committed a crime.

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I can say that to them if they decide to become homeless and decide to go off the grid. Was I faithful to you?

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Was I faithful? Yes. God, this is these are your children and you love them more than I do.

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I got to make sure that what God wants is the most important thing.

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More than what I want. And that's for us to be a living example and disciple them so they would know who he is.

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And then they have to make a choice. Adam and Eve, God made them. He gave them a choice.

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And they chose that they chose Detroit and God had to honor the choice that they made. And guess what he didn't do as helicopter parents do?

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Protect them from the consequences. He says, no, I'm gonna love you and I ain't gonna abandon you and disown you.

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Oh, but guess what? It's gonna cost you something. And but we what do we try to do? Protect our kids from the consequences.

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We're not being warrior parents when we do that. We had let you fall on your face and trust

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God to restore you because I've already trained you up as a warrior. Parents should do so. You know how to find him and you know how to come back is just a choice.

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And you're able to make that choice anytime you're ready to do that. We got to be warriors, man.

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Oh, man, oh, man. I got you. You listeners probably weren't expecting to be preached at today, but I tell you what,

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I needed it. You needed it. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, OK, so what do we do? What's our first step?

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Well, first of all, let me say something that I said last time. What I'm going to do is I'm going to kind of make up a special show notes.

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I don't normally do this when we have guests on. But I'm going to make up special show notes because I think that you could take these two episodes, and these could be the starting place for a personal study for you.

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How to escape from those four negative parenting types and how to become, run to this warrior parent.

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So what I'm going to do is I'm going to attach resources to these notes that point you in the direction.

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If you want to go down this path a little bit further, if you want to study this idea a little bit further, I'm going to give that to you.

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And one of those things that I'm going to give to you is a study that we did. We talked a lot about Deuteronomy 6. Of course, we come back to Deuteronomy 6.

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But I'll tell you what, this is a perfect place, an end cap to put on here. Because you say, I want to be a warrior and I want to follow the right marching orders.

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Well, OK, Deuteronomy chapter 6, verse 4. Here, talking to his children. Now, then it was children of Israel.

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It concludes the church today. Hear my people. The Lord is our

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God. The Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

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These words which I'm commanding you today shall be on your heart. So that's the personal aspect of it.

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My relationship with God, that's the first part. I've got to be totally dedicated to him, faithfully serving him as a warrior in his ranks.

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Then verse 7 shows us what we're supposed to do with that. As we've made it personal, now we take it and we do something with it.

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You shall teach them diligently. Those things that you've learned about me, you shall teach them diligently to your sons.

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And you shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.

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You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

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If you're saying to yourself, I don't know what to do. If you're kind of in this desire to become a warrior, if you find yourself falling into a whiner, well,

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I can't do that. Or you find yourself falling into the temptation to be a warrior. I just don't know how

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I'm going to be able to accomplish that. And so you end up getting tempted to sit back and wait for all this to happen because you're feeling wounded because you're seeing all the sin up in your life.

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Stop. Just stop. And what you need to do, you need to put off, renew your mind.

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We've been doing it. Man, Joe's been doing a great job helping you to renew your mind today. But then you've got to put on.

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You say, what do I put on? What's my first step? Deuteronomy 6, 4 through 9, that's your first step.

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You've got to know your God. You've got to love your God. And then you've got to speak of him.

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You've got to talk about him. That's the first step. No one's expecting you to go buy some medieval armor and carry around a sword.

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These are simple things God wants you to do. We talked about it last time. Pray. Take your kids to church so they can assemble with God's people.

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Open up the word and have these discussions in your house. And you are off to a fantastic start.

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Man, fantastic start. Joe, thank you so much. And Aaron, can I add something else to that, too? Because I'll be remiss if I didn't say this.

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My whole ministry is based on this. I mentioned that as men,

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I didn't call it this earlier, but this is what I call it when I talk to my men. I call it men suffering from a learning disability that's undiagnosed, called

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ABT, ain't been taught. And so when it comes to being the warrior parent, dad or mom, one of the things

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I want to give them, you're right. Start with Deuteronomy 6, man. I mean, God has given it, put it in plain English for you, in black and white.

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You start with seeking him, knowing him, and making him known with your kids. And let it be part of your

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DNA, your spiritual DNA. Beyond that, I'll be remiss by not saying this.

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And this is easy. I guess I'll put it this way, simple. Some of the easiest things to do are also the easiest things not to do.

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What you do if you want to become a warrior parent, you have no idea where to start and what to do.

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Look around, open your eyes, and look for other warrior parents. You ain't going to find a lot of them.

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That's okay. But the ones you find, humble yourselves. God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.

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Go and approach that parent. And it could be at your church. It could be in your organization.

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It could be at your job. You know certain people. And how do you usually spot those warrior parents?

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These are the parents you say, wow, that person is authentic. That person is real. Man, that person's children respects them.

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Wow, I respect them. There's just something about Aaron when I'm around him that I've got to know.

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Remember I told you, leaving a legacy is your life demanding an explanation. That's what I call it, when your life demands an explanation.

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There's parents around you whose lives demand an explanation. Go talk to them.

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That's how I met my spiritual father. He had eight kids, five boys, three girls.

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And I watched his interaction with them. I watched how they respond to him. I watched how his wife adored him and looked at him.

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And Aaron, all I did with this warrior parent is went up to him and said, Hey, can

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I talk to you? I need to ask you some questions. How did you become that kind of husband?

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How did you become that kind of father? What have you been doing? How did you teach your kids about sex?

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How did you get your kids to have a love for God like that? What did you do?

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Dude, I know you got eight kids. Would you adopt just one more? Now I'm not telling you to tell them to adopt you. But I asked this man to adopt me, basically, because I wanted to know what he knew.

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Dude, can I just talk to you? Can I just talk to you anytime, just ask you questions? I got to know because I'm ABT, ain't been taught.

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And I'm tired of this diagnosis without no cure for it, except I found out that the cure is opening up my mouth, humbling myself and asking somebody to help me.

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Will you help me? This man has still been parenting me. Dude, I'm 51.

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He is still parenting me because I'm asking him, I don't know how to do this.

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Will you help me? And that's why I tell you, every time I ask him, Matthew 6, 33,

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Joe, seek him, Joe. You got to seek him. He points me back to the father. And he says,

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Joe, you go to the father, and then I'll talk to you. Because if you ain't seeking him, what difference does it make what

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I'm telling you? Seek him, and then I'm going to tell you, I tell you, you can see if it lines up with his truth.

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Then you walk in that and watch God do what only God can do.

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So let's not make this thing complicated, Aaron. God has given us his word, and he surrounded us with people who love his word.

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Find them. Amen. And what you just said is going to require something that runs counterintuitive in our society for men and women, and that's humility.

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Humility. Yep. And we're right back to Matthew chapter 5. It's recognize that you're poor in spirit.

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Be broken about that. Meekly, humbly turn. Ask for help. And then and only then do we see us thirsting and hungering for righteousness.

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And that's, man, that's what we need. We need that humility. And Christ was the perfect example to us of what it meant to be humble.

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Philippians chapter 2, the creator of the universe came down here to serve his creation and be killed by him so that he could redeem them.

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So powerful. Joe, I appreciate you, man. I really do. Thank you so much for your love for God and for your love for the ministry.

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The fact that your love for your ministry, I can just see flows from your love for God. I really mean this.

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I seriously, genuinely want to have you back on the show. I needed this, and I know we have listeners who needed this.

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Our parenting community needs to be as large as possible, as knowledgeable as possible, as robust as possible, and you have played a huge part in that.

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And I want to encourage those of you listening. You say, you know, I can't think of any warrior parents in my life.

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You know what? I get it. There are a lot of big churches out there that are filled with waiters. There are a lot of groups out there, people having a hard time finding good, strong parenting community.

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I believe that a life -on -life, real -life, face -to -face relationship is the absolute best.

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But if you do not have that, Real Men Connect is a start. Truth Love Parent is a start.

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You've got to be having them speak it into your life. And you might not have that spiritual father. You can call up just yet and have him say, you know, desire

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God, right? But you can hear Joe say it every week. You can hear his guests say it every week.

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You can hear me say it multiple times every week. And it's a start as you are searching for that warrior parent in your life that you can connect with and you can follow their example.

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Because remember, if we want our children to grow up into Christ, we need to parent them in truth and love.

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So to that end, please join us next time as we look at the best time to prepare your kids for the real world.

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We need to know what to do. Joe and I have been talking about how we need to prepare ourselves for our parenting. Well, guess what?

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Joe was talking about it before. You can't protect your kids from everything. You've got to prepare them. When's the best time to do that?

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Joe, thank you so much. It's been such a huge pleasure, man. Oh, my pleasure, Aaron. Anytime, man. What a blessing.

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Thank you so much for having me. You have an awesome day. And all of you out there, make sure you subscribe to Real Men Connect.

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Truth. Love. Parents. is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.