TLP 522: Biblical Parenting Essentials, Phase 3 | methods

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Correction isn't punishment. Correction isn't consequences. Correction isn't even reconciliation.

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Correction is simply parenting isn't about us. In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids.

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Parenting is just one way Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the Truth, Love, Parent podcast, where we train dads and moms to give

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God the preeminence in their parenting. I'm your host, A .M. Brewster, and today we're going to move into phase three of biblical parenting.

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We've been introduced to the content and the methods of phase one. We've learned about the method reinforcement and evaluation of phase two.

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And now we're ready to understand what phase three is, as well as to discuss Christ honoring methods.

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In the subsequent episodes, we are also going to talk about phase three application and evaluation, but first things first.

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That's all. Then just shop as usual. And TLP will receive a commission off your order. What's additionally interesting in all of this is that once we became a nonprofit,

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I debated about joining the Amazon smile program, but recently they've been talking about doing away with that program.

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God's good news about marriage and parenting to families all over the world in a more significant way, just check out truthloveparent .com

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forward slash donate to learn more. And while you're at truthloveparent .com, check out our free episode notes, transcript and related resources on our blog,

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Taking Back the Family. And now let's talk about the essential phase three of biblical parenting. As God's ambassadors to our kids, we must keep

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God's truth pouring into our kids' lives. That means that we're going to need super thick parenting Bibles as we seek to speak the entirety of God's recorded word into their experiences.

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2 Timothy 3 .17 teaches us that God gave us the Bible in order to equip his people for every good work.

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And how does it do that? Well, verse 16 reveals that the Bible is designed to accomplish four things in our lives.

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Teaching is the first, reproof is the second, and the third task is called correction. Number one, what is correction?

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Greek word translated correction in 2 Timothy 3 .16 is a hypoxogamena, which as you already know, means that it's only used this one time in the

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New Testament. However, the word is grammatically related to one other Greek word. That other word refers to setting something up straight or setting it straight again.

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It's translated restore in Acts 15 .16, where James is quoting from Amos. Amos 9 .11

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reads, "'In that day I will raise up the fallen booth of David "'and wall up its breaches. "'I will also raise up its ruins "'and rebuild it as in the days of old.'"

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And Acts 15 .16 says, "'After these things I will return "'and I will rebuild the tabernacle of David "'which is fallen and I will rebuild its ruins "'and

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I will restore it.'" The word translated restore is related to the word translated correction in 2

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Timothy. In ancient Greek, this word carried the idea of returning to a point of origin or a state of being.

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Imagine, if you will, a small boat leaving the safety of its harbor and after a while in the open ocean finds a storm brewing.

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What does the little boat do? It turns around and returns to the harbor. That's the picture behind this idea of correction.

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My friends, biblical correction is not merely teaching. To teach is simply to give information to someone whether they choose to learn it or not.

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Correction is not reproof. Reproof is persuasively communicating to someone that they made a bad choice whether or not they choose to respond to the reproof.

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Correction isn't punishment. Correction isn't consequences. I think this particular usage is very familiar to most

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English speakers. We refer to correcting our kids as reproving them and or giving them a consequence for their actions even though we've had to give that consequence over and over because the children never really corrected their behavior.

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But correction isn't even reconciliation. Now, reconciliation is part of the correction process, but correction is so much more than mere reconciliation.

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Correction, my friends, is just that. The thing that was incorrect must now be correct in order to have been corrected.

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This requires that the former incorrect behavior is no longer. Instead, it's been replaced with correct behavior.

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Correction requires an actual change, not a promise to change, not an intent to change, actual change.

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Therefore, correction is by definition a fixing, a rectifying, a restoring to its rightful place, position, or productivity.

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Now, wait a minute, Aaron, are you saying we can fix our kids? No, not really, but I am saying that God created his word to fix our kids and he expects us to be part of the process to the same degree he expects them to be part of the process.

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The Bible's not going to do it by itself, but neither are we or our kids going to do it by ourselves. In the best case scenario, all three of us need to be working together.

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Yes, our kids can change with only the power of God and his word, but if we're going to worship God in our parenting, then we absolutely need to do our part simply because he commands us to.

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Now, I'm going to discuss this tension in our next point, but before I move on from this, I want to give you some resources.

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The first one is A Parent's 5 Job, Part 4, Counselor. That episode was our first main discussion about this topic.

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Later on, we put out How Do You Become a Counseling Parent? In order to help parents take their first steps into this phase of biblical parenting.

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And we also had an interview with Dr. Heath Lambert called Counseling and Parenting. Counseling, you ask?

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I thought we were talking about correcting. Yes, I'll explain this in a minute as well. Just make sure that you listen to those episodes if you need to grow in your correction.

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Number two, the absolute necessity of child participation in correction. As I already mentioned, teaching can be done even if the student doesn't learn.

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In the same way, reproof can be done even if the student doesn't accept it. Our ability to glorify God by doing those two phases is entirely on us.

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He expects us to consistently and faithfully teach and reprove our kids to speak truth and love. And for most parents, parenting is comprised of a seemingly never -ending cycle of teaching and reproving, teaching and reproving, teaching and reproving with little to no change in our kids.

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Now, of course, the child is only benefited as they participate in the teaching and reproof.

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If they simply learn from the teaching and submit to the reproof, amazing things are going to happen in their lives. But even when they don't,

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I, the parent, must continue to teach and reprove. But that is literally all I can do as a parent.

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It's impossible for me to use the scripture in my child's life until he or she decides to participate.

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What do I mean? Well, consider the necessary reconciliation that comes at the end of the reproof stage.

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We cannot be genuinely and legitimately reconciled unless our kids truly desire it. Now, yes, we don't know their hearts and they may say all the right words and we grant them forgiveness, but it's possible we're not truly reconciled because the child is just playing a game.

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True, legitimate Christ -honoring reconciliation is going to require real humility and a desire to change. And that right there is the bridge from the reproof stage to the correction stage.

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When the child submits to the reproof by confessing their sin, asking for forgiveness and committing to repentance, they are inviting us to move with them into phase three.

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Now, do you remember how I said on a previous show that many parents try to move into phase three or four immediately after reproving their kids?

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Yeah, unless the child is participating in the process, that's actually impossible. You're not really correcting them.

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You're not, you're just teaching and reproving them more. You're definitely not training them. You're just teaching and reproving. But once the child embraces reconciliation, they're setting the stage for continued correction.

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So imagine that you have taught your child how to sail their little boat in a safe manner. And they say they have learned the importance of staying away from storms.

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But instead of seeing the storm far off and turning around, your child sailed their little boat right for it. And you can see it all unfolding through your telescope.

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So you radio your child and tell them you're going the wrong way, you need to turn around. But the child isn't interested.

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They want to see how close they can get. They think the choppy waves are fun. So you keep reproving them and eventually they are persuaded you were right.

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Maybe it was your impassioned pleading and maybe it was the waves that were threatening to capsize their little boat, or perhaps it was the painful consequences of finding themselves in a storm.

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Either way, they finally realized they were wrong and they want to change. And you can hear their voice on the radio.

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Please forgive me, I was wrong, I want to go back home. And of course, you forgive your child and are happy to help them.

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Unfortunately, they are so far in the storm, they have no idea where home is. They're surrounded by miles of dangerous waters and with no direction in sight.

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But you have a radar, you have a lighthouse. So you get on the radio and you say, I know it's scary and I know you can't trust what you see in here, but you can trust me.

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You can trust the instruments I've put in your boat. You need to turn around and head due west.

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It doesn't matter what it looks like, it doesn't matter what it sounds like, and it definitely doesn't matter what it feels like. You need to fight as hard as possible to head due west.

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And when you've traveled about five miles, you'll be able to start seeing the lighthouse which can guide you the rest of the way. Now, after doing all that, have you successfully corrected your child at the end of that impassioned speech?

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Was all of that talking and instrumentation and advice phase three of our biblical parenting? No. Do you remember how

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I said that every subsequent parenting phase will include the previous phases? Well, teaching and reproving are part of correcting.

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All you've done at that moment is given them new information and encourage them to recognize their error and to do something about it. It won't be until they actually take your advice, turn their bow due west, and sail on the heading you've given them that they're actually being corrected.

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Yes, because of what you said, but also by necessity, by doing what you said. James 1 .22

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says, "'But prove yourselves doers of the word "'and not merely hearers who delude themselves.'"

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Your children are deluding themselves if they think they're being corrected simply by hearing the word or hearing you talk to them.

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And you're deluding yourself if you think that teaching and reproving are the same as correcting. If you think that just because I told my kids what they needed to do that they've been successfully corrected.

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You have not actually entered the correction phase of biblical parenting until your kids follow your advice, turn from their previous course, and go the opposite direction.

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By the way, that is a very definition of the repentance to which they committed during the reconciliation process.

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In fact, we could put it this way. Correction is the process whereby you lead your child into biblical repentance and they follow your lead.

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There's another biblical word for this. It's called discipleship. Matthew 28, 19 through 20 reads, "'Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, "'baptizing them in the name of the

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Father "'and the Son and the Holy Spirit, "'teaching them to observe all that I commanded you.'" In this passage, the idea of discipleship and correction is described as you teaching them and them actually observing what you've taught.

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The Greek word translated observe isn't just passively watching something. It refers to continuing in something, holding onto something, keeping something, and guarding something.

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In fact, all of the discipleship passages in the Bible illustrate the idea of correction. A discipler is leading the disciplee into change and the disciplee is following.

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This is the very core of the over 30 one anothers in the New Testament. Consider the last verses of James.

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"'My brethren, if any among you strays from the truth "'and one turns him back, "'let him know that he who turns a sinner "'from the error of his ways will save his soul from death "'and will cover a multitude of sins.'"

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And this is why I call this phase the counseling phase. Discipleship, one anothering, parenting, pastoring, and counseling are all really synonymous concepts.

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The only main difference is that the correction within each relationship takes place within a different kind of relationship.

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Otherwise, there's really no functional difference. The job of a biblical counselor is to show the counselee what

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God's word says about their change and then to make it easy for them to do right and hard to do wrong.

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That's the very definition of parenting and discipling. But regardless of all the counselor has said and done, the counselee will never actually change until they participate with the biblical counselor and follow their lead.

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And this is where so many Christian parents mess up. Letter A, many Christian parents don't get to the correction phase.

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This happens either because their children refuse to submit or sometimes the kids do submit, but the parents think that as long as they admitted they're wrong, everything will work itself out.

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They just kind of assume the kid will figure out what they're supposed to do. That's not parental correction, even if the child does change by the grace of God.

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Letter B, most Christian parents only know how to correct broadly. Yes, by all means, lead your children to shore, but telling them to go west will only accomplish so much.

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What about the specific skills needed to navigate giant waves? You can't just plow ahead and hope not to capsize.

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What about the rocks that surround your harbor back home? How they get around those in the dark? What if you don't know how to use a lighthouse?

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What if they don't remember how to use the instruments in their boat? What if your kid doesn't know how to use a compass? Simply telling them to head west is therefore not helpful.

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Now, yes, general broad correction is better than no correction, but let me tell you, this part of parenting is the absolute hardest if you don't know how to do it.

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Trust me, we don't just figure this part out on our own. We don't do this part well when we're flying by the seat of our pants.

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Most parents can't improvise their way through the correction phase. We need to know God's word inside and out, and we need to continue studying it if we hope to help our kids, or anyone else for that matter, truly change.

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Dr. Randy Patton likes to say that change doesn't happen in fuzzy land. That's to say that people can't change directions without clear direction.

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You don't just look at a pre -med student, hand them a scalpel and say, all you need to do is take the tumor out. No, they need education, practice, information, and skill.

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And our kids who want to escape the bondage of their sinful choices are going to need the same kind of specific help.

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That's why our third point is so important. Number three, the necessity of specificity.

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Now, I only want to mention the importance of this. I'm not going to go into very much specific detail at this time because the entirety of our next episode is all about this point.

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But between now and then, you need to realize that beneficial correction is specific correction. The more specific you can be, the better.

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But there are two main methods for correction, and I want to consider today with the remainder of our time. Okay, so your child is in sin.

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It may be a quote -unquote big sin or quote -unquote little sin, but it's sin from which they have confessed, apologized, and promised to repent.

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Now we need to help them change. So let's consider number four, the value of centering. I'm going to mix my metaphors a little during this point and the next, so stick with me.

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There is truth to the idea that there are ditches on both sides of the road. And the best thing to do is stay in the center of the road, avoiding the extremes.

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Being extreme to the right is often just as far from God's expectations as being extreme to the left. Erring to the right is still erring, and this illustrates the biblical concept of moderation.

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In 1 Corinthians 6, 12, Paul writes, all things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.

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Moderation is a refusal to be mastered by anything other than God. To be mastered by food or drink or sex or other addictions is to be mastered by one's own appetite, which is idolatry.

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Proverbs 25, 16 and 27a read, have you found honey? Eat only what you need that you not have it in excess and vomit it.

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It is not good to eat much honey. And 1 Corinthians 9, 25 tells us, everyone who competes in the games exercises self -control in all things.

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They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Your kids have been making extreme choices, and I don't mean that in the way most people mean it.

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When I say extreme, I'm referring simply to sin. Sin is insanity. Sin is stupidity. To sin on one side or the other is still sin.

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It doesn't matter if you're a prostitute or a Pharisee. It doesn't matter if you're an abortionist or a staunch religious practitioner, if your religiosity is being done in your own power and for your own glory.

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The Bible clearly condemns nearly all excess and yet demands that all things be done to the glory of God.

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That speaks to moderation. We must only do a thing to the degree that God is glorified and not a second longer or a degree more.

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So what's the application for correcting our kids? Well, likely your kid's sin is a result of their lack of moderation.

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It may be extreme sinfulness, like sinful sexuality, lying, stealing, rebellion, and other sins for which there are no moderate versions, but only a moderate difference.

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But it also may be an obsession for something that's good. The behavior itself isn't inherently bad, but the immoderate participation in that activity is harmful and reveals a self -worshiping mindset.

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This is the root of almost all obsessive behavior, even if it can be argued the behavior itself is not necessarily harmful.

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But there's also the good behavior that is only exercised within limits, but which is being done solely for the glory of self.

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In each of these situations, moderation looks like moving away from the extreme behavior toward a Christ -honoring middle position, quote -unquote.

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In order to help correct your child, you can center them by calling them to true obedience. This will require for them to do the right things in the right ways, for the right reasons, and in the right power.

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Centering rejects extreme behavior. It seeks to do exactly what the scripture says, how the scripture says, and why the scripture says.

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Now, I like this centering approach. I think it has great value. This correction seeks to reduce the temptation for our kids to just swing to the opposite, but equally sinful extreme.

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And this method has success as it teaches the child the details concerning true biblical obedience and moderation.

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To this end, I encourage you to listen to our Teach Your Children to Obey series because it breaks down biblical obedience into its four necessary parts, without which there is no real submission to God.

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So yes, centering is a valuable method for correction because it recognizes the importance of biblical moderation.

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It rejects the sinful extremes to which humans so want to swing. However, there is another method for correcting that I like very much.

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Number five, the value of penduluming. Wait, Aaron, didn't you just say that penduluming to either extreme is bad?

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Yes, I did, but remember that I warned you I was going to mix my metaphors. If nothing else, today's episode is instructive in how careful we have to be with language.

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When I speak of penduluming, I'm not referring to extreme swings from one form of sin to another. I'm talking about the necessary extreme changes we need to make if we're going to truly repent.

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Consider Jesus' words in Matthew 5, 29 through 30. If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you, for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

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If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you, for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

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Then listen to what Jesus says in Matthew 18, 8 through 9. If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you, it's better for you to enter life crippled or lame than to have two hands or two feet and to be cast into the eternal fire.

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If your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out and throw it from you. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be cast into the fiery hell.

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And even though the book of Mark is the shortest gospel that tends to abbreviate Jesus' teaching as compared to the other gospels, in Mark 9, 42 through 48, we read the longest version of this amputation discourse.

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Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe to stumble, it would be better for him if with a heavy millstone hung around his neck, he had been cast into the sea.

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If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off, it is better for you to enter life crippled than having your two hands to go into hell into the unquenchable fire, where the worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.

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If your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off, it's better for you to enter life lame than having your two feet to be cast into hell, where the worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.

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If your eye causes you to stumble, throw it out, for it's better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than having two eyes to be cast into hell, where the worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.

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Now, my point in reading all of that is to recognize the importance of what is often called radical amputation.

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God calls us to be holy as he is holy. His people are considered peculiar when compared to the world.

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In fact, when compared to the world, a biblical lifestyle is considered extreme and fanatical. True redemptive change requires extreme choices to mortify the flesh, flee sin, deny ourselves, fight satanic influence, and hide from temptation.

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When it comes to helping your child repent, this approach is incredibly important. If your child is stealing, you don't encourage them to steal less and less until they finally reach the point of maturity where they no longer steal.

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You don't allot someone who used to lie 100 times a week a stipend of 20 lies until they mature enough to stop lying completely.

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No, Ephesians 4, 25 through 28 tells us, therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.

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Be angry and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil an opportunity.

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He who steals must steal no longer, but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good so that he will have something to share with one who has need.

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Do you want to repent? You need to stop sinning and start being righteous. You need to reject the lifestyle of the godless world and clothe yourself in the light of the word.

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You need to move in the exact opposite extreme direction of your prior sin. You were worshiping self, and now you need to fly to the throne of God, and those two places are as far from each other as the east is from the west.

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Now, I know that I presented these two methods as two different ways of correcting your child, but the biblical reality is that they are really the same approach viewed through two different lenses and explained with two different metaphors.

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True Christ -honoring moderation is categorically opposed to sinful gluttony. Such a biblically moderate position requires radical amputation where we cut off our idolatry, flee from temptation, and refuse to participate in the works of darkness.

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Christ -centered balance is a million miles away from fleshly humanism and requires extreme intention and spirit -filled strength to traverse the distance.

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True biblical correction could easily be called extreme balance. Compared to the rest of us who walk around all day with our feet planted firmly on the ground, tightrope walkers seem crazy.

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But what if, metaphorically speaking, the Christian life could more accurately be compared to tightrope walking, while self -centered idolatry could be compared to rolling around on the ground?

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It doesn't matter how extreme it may seem to the immature, the pagan, the unbeliever, or the fool. If God commands it, we must do it.

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But in order to walk the tightrope well, we must be spirit -controlled, moderate, and balanced. There's truth in both metaphors, and the truth of both is equally important because it illustrates important truths that are required of true repentance, true change, which, of course, is what we want for ourselves and our kids.

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Therefore, please understand that to help your child truly be corrected, you are calling them to Christ -likeness, balanced and perfectly centered on God's word.

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But in order to reach that place from whichever sinful extreme your kids have found themselves, such a move is going to take a zealous, passionate, and equally extreme act of God and personal work of holiness.

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Don't shoot for a wishy -washy, quote -unquote, moderation because you don't want to look extreme, but don't just be extreme to be extreme.

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You'll find out soon enough that biblical obedience is both perfectly balanced and yet completely foreign to our flesh.

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And if you want to correct your child biblically, you need to understand both sides of this coin. Now, next week's show is going to be so important.

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In fact, I'm tempted to argue that it could be the most important show of this whole series and maybe even of this whole podcast.

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It's going to teach each of us how to correct, how to counsel our children to the best of our ability in Christ.

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It's going to include brand new information we haven't discussed in this amount of detail. So whether you're new to the show or you've heard every episode so far, this episode is going to be instructive and challenging for all of us.

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If our kids really want to change, we absolutely must be up to the challenge of helping them change as God would have them change.

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That's going to require precise specificity, balanced moderation, and radical amputation.

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Now, if you just can't wait until next week to continue maturing in your parenting, I encourage you to fill your time by listening to the other episodes

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I've referenced on this show. Each will be linked in today's episodes page on our blog. And I strongly encourage you to listen to our

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Parenting in Christ series. That series is a well -balanced look at our responsibility to God and our kids as we parent them from sin to sanctification.

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I pray that this introduction to biblical correction has been helpful for you. If so, please share this series on your favorite social media outlets so that other

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Christian parents can learn about the biblical parenting essentials. And never hesitate to reach out to us at counselor at truthloveparent .com

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or leave a voicemail at 828 -423 -0894 if you would like personalized help for you and or your family.

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And I hope you'll join us next time as we once again open God's word to discover how to best worship God with our parenting. To that end, we'll be discussing how to apply phase three in the best way possible.

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Truth Love Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship God through your parenting.

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So join us next time as we study God's word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness. And remember that TLP is a listener -supported ministry.