Are Gentle Parents Bad Parents?

It seems like it's basically a declaration that like, hey, I think I can be a better parent than God.

And so I'm gonna do it, do it the total opposite of God altogether.

All right, Tim, the question for today's episode is, are gentle parents bad parents?

Definitely, man.

There's no worse parent than a gentle parent.

There's no worse parent than a gentle parent.

If you've ever, if you're a parent and you've ever been gentle, just know you're a bad parent.

No, no, I.

The worst parents are the gentlest parents, is that.

Maybe the question is slightly deceitful.

You know, we're not,.

I'm not specifically asking you about, you know, a parent who is gentle.

I'm asking, more.

What I'm trying to get at here is, you know, the gentle parenting approach.

To parenting.

To raising a child, yeah, to parenting.

Yeah, I mean, they're absolutely awful parents.

The gentle parent, right?

The gentle parenting approach to parenting is basically not parenting.

So it's not parenting.

It's not parenting, no.

So why don't you define it for it?

Because maybe, I don't know if everyone's gonna know what we mean by gentle parenting in that

approach.

So why don't you define it for us?

Yeah, so I mean, gentle parenting is basically just a reaction to

traditional biblical parenting, the traditional biblical expectations of what a parent

actually is.

And what it is, is it's basically just,

it's packaged as a via media between what might be described as permissive parenting and

then authoritarian parenting.

And so gentle parenting is trying to basically react against what they perceive as abusive parenting

or authoritarian parenting in that way.

And so it's basically, it's the good middle ground between just lousy, fair, permissive parenting and

what they're describing as this harsh, authoritative parenting in that way.

But then here's a description of it.

So gentle parenting is a parenting style that emphasizes empathy.

You know, that should be a trigger there that something's gone wrong.

But it emphasizes empathy, respect, understanding, and consistent

boundaries.

It's an evidence -based approach that aims to raise confident, independent, note the word independent there,

confident, independent, and happy children.

It's raising independent children.

This doesn't sound like parenting to me.

But the approach does not have an official name, but it's the catch -all for variations such as respectful parenting, mindful

parenting, and intentional parenting.

So note this.

Instead of correcting a child's behavior, the gentle parent acknowledges their feelings and motivations

and sets firm boundaries, gives choices instead of orders, and eschews rewards, punishments, and

threats, right?

So no rewards, punishments, or threats.

You know, instead of correcting their behavior, you acknowledge their feelings, right?

And so gentle parenting focuses largely on age -appropriate development.

Just to give you an idea there.

So yeah, it's basically just not parenting.

It's not parenting.

Man, if there's a lot of parents doing that, then the next generation's screwed.

Well, they pretty much are, you know?

I mean, like, golly, how are you gonna?

It basically sounds like, just going off that description, it basically just sounds like as a parent,

you're trying to be the most un -parent you can possibly

be.

Like, you don't even wanna be viewed as a parent.

You wanna be viewed as like a -.

Guide or something like that.

Yeah, like, only, and you don't, you know, I'm not saying there's not

a benefit to trying to build a

close relationship with your kids.

That's not what I'm implying here.

But then to say like, hey, you know, so there's no, like, I'm

not gonna tell you what to do.

I'm just gonna give you this choice here, and you tell me which one of these two are you gonna pick.

It seems, number one, it seems like you're trying to as much as possible, like, abdicate your

responsibility.

And then, you know, number two, it sounds like you're, it honestly

sounds a little bit deceitful too, if I'm being honest, because

Because it's called parenting?

Yeah, well, not because they're calling it parenting, but basically it's like, hey, I'm not trying to tell you what to do,

but I am gonna give you these two options, and you've gotta pick one of these, you know, or however many options it is.

It's like, you can, I mean, it just seems like the illusion of

choice at that point, and not necessarily like a full -on

independent kind of thing.

So it doesn't even sound like they're accomplishing what they're wanting to accomplish, in my mind.

I mean, it's basically the parenting style of Satan, is what it is.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I mean, it is.

Go on, go on, go on, please continue, Tim.

It totally is, I mean, so just think about it, like, Satan was the ultimate boundary pusher, right?

So, as God said, so God gives, like, Adam and Eve one command, essentially, don't eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of

good and evil.

Don't eat of this one tree.

I mean, there's one boundary there, and, you know, Satan, his whole thing is he, like, he rejects any boundaries,

right?

So there can't be any boundaries that are given there.

So, like, if you think through what's happening with that description in general, it says, instead of correcting a child's behavior, the

gentle parent acknowledges their feelings and motivations, they set firm boundaries, give

choices instead of orders, and they excuse rewards, punishments, and threats.

So instead of issuing commands, the parent strives to understand why a child is acting out in the first place.

So there's not gonna be any commands, right?

So what you're trying to do is you're trying to guide them into decision -making as a

independent child, or something like that, right?

So the goal is just to have this child, you're viewing that you're trying to raise an independent child, and,

you know, and so some of it's self -contradictory, like, in the sense of, like,

you're not allowed to give firm commands that you're expected to follow.

You're supposed to kind of acknowledge their feelings, but then you are supposed to set certain boundaries.

But then, presumably, those boundaries are for yourself and not for the child itself, right?

Right, yeah.

So you're setting boundaries, like, in terms of your own personal affection or whatever, and related to you, but then with the child

itself, you can't really give any commands, you can't give any orders.

If they don't like it, you know, then they're gonna, you're gonna have boundaries that you set with them between yourself.

But I mean, this is essentially just the parenting style of Satan, you know?

It's just like, as God said, you can't give any commands.

Like, each person is viewed as autonomous, right?

So each person is viewed as autonomous, child's viewed as independent, parent's viewed as independent in that way, and then you're gonna have to learn

to coexist.

Like, essentially, you could, I mean, you could feel that adjective dripping off of the page as to what they're actually

advocating there.

You have to kind of coexist some way, two independent people coexisting.

You know, I'm not gonna be an authoritarian parent.

Because that would be bad.

I'm gonna be a gentle parent.

And then my job is to basically be your therapist.

And, like, the kind of therapy that undergirds this project, essentially, is, like, the kind of therapy that just

says that, like, I'm responsible to validate your feelings, right?

So.

Yeah, you are seen, you are heard.

I get that you're mad at me because I'm not buying you that toy that you want.

And I understand.

And that anger is valid.

It's valid.

It's who you are, I understand it, right?

And not only do I understand it, I empathize with it.

I feel mad with you, right?

I'm mad at me, too.

I'm mad.

You are heard, you know?

And so, like, so basically, like, what you're meant to do is you're meant to just kind of emote back at them, right?

So whatever emotions they feel, you let yourself get caught up in those emotions.

You feel those with them.

You validate those emotions.

You affirm those emotions.

But what you can't do is give orders.

You can't give instructions.

And you can't give rewards and punishment for good behavior and bad behavior.

Because the whole thing, like, what I'm trying to say is,.

This is like the,.

This is the parenting style of Satan.

I mean, the whole thing is just, like, pure, there are no good, like, you reward good behavior,

you punish bad behavior.

And this kind of framework, it's, there's no good behavior, bad behavior.

You see what I mean?

Because there's no rules.

There's no rules that you're allowed to set, like, impose upon this other human being, because everyone's autonomous.

And so, I mean, this is just essentially, like, Anton LaVey's evil is live spelled backwards.

It's just like, like, meaning, like, it's just caesarosra, live, live, right?

That's what we're talking about.

So, and this is just not parenting.

You know, the Bible says, folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but right of correction drives it

far from them.

So this is just, in large measure, what you're talking about with gentle parenting is a reaction to spanking.

You're talking about a reaction to authoritarian parenting in that way, where, you know, in this way,

the parent is, you know, basically the ultimate mother, right?

Who will unconditionally love you and affirm you in every single feeling that you have, and not only affirm you, but identify

with that in that way.

But then there's, you know, if you're gonna abuse the parent, there's boundaries, right?

I'm gonna withdraw my affection from you and everything else, but yeah.

Yeah, it just, you know, as you describe it, you know, you're listing this, you

know, point after point after point about it.

And I was just sitting here thinking like, man, so much of this sounds like the exact opposite of

how God, our Heavenly Father, you know, interacts with us, His adopted

children through Christ.

Yeah, so like, for example, the verse that you brought up earlier about, you know, like the rod of discipline,

and there's several passages in the Proverbs about, you know, fathers actually,

you know, physically spanking their children or beating them with a rod as

a form of punishment for their wrongdoing, right?

Not to like take out their anger on their child, but instead to teach them right from wrong,

right?

And, you know, that you've got that, you have the whole like, don't, you know, don't reward with

gentle parenting, you know, you don't reward the good behavior, you don't punish the bad behavior.

That's like the, that's the total opposite of God.

God oftentimes rewards the good behavior, and oftentimes,

you know, provides discipline for the bad behavior as well.

I mean, you know, that's why the Bible says that, you know, a loving father disciplines his

children, and the Bible calls God a loving father and tells us that He disciplines

us because He loves us.

So it seems like, you know, subscribing to

this gentle parenting style, you know, of quote unquote parenting, I don't even know if you

can really call it parenting.

It's basic, it seems like it's basically a declaration that like, hey, I think I can be a better parent than

God.

And so I'm gonna do it, do it the total opposite of God altogether.

Yeah, so yeah, I think a lot of it is, you know, as you read through the Bible, you'll see that God disciplines us as

sons, right?

So God loves us as sons, and that means He's not gonna withhold discipline from us.

So the whole framework is off.

I mean, the way that God works towards us is He obviously gives Adam and Eve commands, right?

He gives us commands.

If you love me, I will keep my commandments.

So God is like, in their minds, He's the authoritarian kind of type, right?

This is just a different view of God.

So God gives us commands, and then not only does He give us commands, He gives us rewards and punishments for failing to keep those

commands.

So don't lay up for yourself treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy, but lay up for yourself treasures in heaven where

thieves do not break in and steal and everything else.

And so where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

God gives us rewards for good behavior, punishments for bad behaviors.

And so everything about the way that God relates to us is viewed through this lens

of authoritarianism and just being bad, right?

So not only just like the rewards and punishments, the commands, and then just the discipline itself

taking on the form of corrective discipline, not just formative discipline, but corrective discipline, basically they just have

a problem with God.

And this is just, I mean, the assumption that undergirds it is the assumption of human autonomy, right?

So one human being doesn't have the right to tell another human being what to do and to give clear orders.

And so instead of punishing your child, you simply try to remove them from the situation or talk

them off the ledge or try to coach them into a better path and try to give them tips and try to give them

advice.

But I mean, whatever it is, it's just, it's parenting without teeth.

And it's not even, I mean, it's not even parenting.

It's just kind of -.

Yeah, it sounds like a strategy someone who has never interacted with a child would come

up with.

Right, I mean, this is essentially what, basically this is kind of the kind of strategy that

someone will come up and, maybe that works in a daycare or something like that where you're not really allowed to,

you have to watch kids and you have to kind of negotiate with them because you can get sued if you, like there's

no real, anything you can do at that point, right?

Except for just kind of become their therapist and try to validate what they're feeling in that way.

But yeah, this is doomed to failure.

Fair enough.

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