Affair - Proof Your Marriage & Hope for Singles — Shane Idleman

Marriage, Singleness, and the Purpose of 1 Corinthians 7

The message this morning is the PG version or maybe G version. I'll go easy. It's in 1st Corinthians chapter 7. 1st Corinthians chapter 7. I went back and forth on many different titles but we ended up with this one, a fair proof your marriage.

A fair proof your marriage. And then I know half the audience will be tuning out so I added hope for singles. How's that? So it hits everyone here. So if you're single, if you're young adult, if you're disgruntled in your marriage, don't tune me out.

Listen up. This is very important here. So Paul is writing to the church in Corinth and it's interesting. He says now concerning the things of which you wrote me. So the church actually wrote Paul some questions and they wanted answers to.

So he said it is good for a man not to touch a woman. So I'm assuming they were asking about sexual immorality. Hey is this okay now that we're saved? And he said it's good for a man not to touch a woman.

Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, in other words if they're caving into their lusts and into their passions and it's just happening, let each man have his own wife and let each woman have her own husband.

So he's saying hey it's better to remain single if you can. Obviously that's not a blanket statement to everyone or we would not have any of us here. God did not design everyone to be single. What Paul is saying is if you can remain single, do it.

Why? Because you can do a lot more for God. Plain and simple. And me and my wife would be the first to tell you that when we were single, our single years were incredible in that we were able to follow God wholeheartedly.

And I heard something, I think it was on the radio, where a lady, as soon as they were married, said you know what? You came between me and Jesus. I was doing fine with Jesus. You came in between that.

And that actually is what happened. So if you're single, thank God for it right now and look to God and say Lord how do you want to use me? Those are invaluable years. Those are incredible years if God has you in that spot, to be content in that spot.

The Bible actually says, we'll get into it later in this study, is that God cares, a man who is married cares for the things of the world, how he might please his spouse. But a single person cares for the things of the Lord, how he may please God or she could please God.

And I kind of find this ironic. I've talked to a lot of single people and a majority, oh I can't wait to be married. And then I talked to a lot of married people and they can't wait to be single again.

Or they complain, oh back when I was single, back when I was single. You know we just, it's a constant battle of thinking a person will fulfill us and they will not. Only God can fulfill us. But what we do learn here is this, marriage is a safe haven.

Marriage as God’s Safe Haven

That's why God created it. Marriage is a safe haven. God created between a man and a woman, the passions, the desires, God created those things. And marriage is that boundary line. Like think of a fireplace.

I've used that analogy before. You build your fire in the fireplace. Don't build it on the living room floor. That's what our culture is actually doing. They have fires in the living room floor, in the bedroom.

The house is burning down. So God says keep it within the boundaries. For each desire, see it's interesting, for each desire that a person has, a good desire, there is a fulfillment there. So a person has a desire for food.

Thank God. Aren't you glad for taste buds? Can you imagine if everything tasted like broccoli? So there's a desire or hunger. So God gives us a sense of fulfillment. What about anger? Well Shane that's not good.

Well righteous anger is good. I'm very angry about the direction of our nation and that's why I'm praying. That's why I'm seeking God. That's why I'm surrendering my life to God because I have righteous indignation with what we are doing in our culture.

See so God says I will fulfill that in my calling for you. If you put that in the right direction, you can be like an arrow at the target. What about to be loved? We have that desire. God fulfills that.

There's a godly desire for sex intimacy that God has given because without that there would not be any little ones. We would not continue. God desires godly offspring. So that's what marriage is here.

He's saying because of sexual morality it's better to just marry than burn with passion. And then he also says let each one have their own. Isn't this interesting? There are so many proof texts. If people would open their ears and say the Bible doesn't say anything about about gay marriage and it's wrong or home.

It doesn't say anything. Really? What Bible are you reading? The politically correct version? Because Jesus often says God made them male and female that they be joined together. Adam and Eve joined together.

Many scriptures like this nevertheless because of sexual morality let each partner have his own partner. Let each man have his own wife. And I was just reading this week in Billy Graham Decision magazine.

I don't know if how many of you received that. But we have presidential candidates in 2020 who are going to gay pride parades and celebrating these things. And again in case you don't know where I come from, I come from a loving broken heart for all people stuck in sin.

But I will not remain silent when God's Word is crystal clear. But people say that. They say but God doesn't care. God doesn't care. One of his names is holy. Think about that. Let that just sink in. One of God's names.

Yes his attribute is love and this and faithful. But his name is holy, holy, holy is our God. God says I am holy for my people shall be holy. Come out from among them. Be holy. There's a separation that occurs.

You don't look like the world. There's a distinction. His name is holy. Of course he cares. His name is holy. And it's interesting one of the top emails we get, I share this with you many times in the past, but it's always where can we find churches preaching the truth of God's Word?

Just this week Arizona, Florida, Oregon. Where? People are hungry for truth. Hungry for someone to say listen this is not right. And what I think we need is a good dose especially in this area of the fear of the Lord again.

And the fear of the Lord doesn't come naturally. It must be taught. It must be preached. What happens? The fear of the Lord vanishes when God is removed from things. When you remove ten commandment monuments.

When you remove prayer. When you remove praying in Jesus name. Do you know in our state capitol right now when when somebody offers a prayer at one of these one of their gatherings they cannot pray in Jesus name.

They make that crystal clear. There's no fear of God in our land. And the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and understanding. You want to fix the homeless situation LA. You want to fix the deficit.

You want to fix the borders. You want to fix it. Fear God. Fear God and let him give us wisdom and discernment. So fair-proofing our marriage. What is the first thing we can glean from this? The first thing we can glean is keep your commitment.

Keeping the Marriage Vow

Keep your commitment. When you say I do it means I don't to everything else. And that's why many people are worried about marriage. Oh I don't want to say I do and then you know but that's what commitment is.

And Paul's saying commit. Come together. Husband and wife come together and that's a commitment and in that you fear the Lord. Why? Because I made a commitment before God. We fear God. We keep that commitment.

We go back to that commitment. Do you have anything posted in your home that reminds you of that commitment? More than just this? I mean we have a half of the Bible verse that Morgan with the vows we did right in our right in our room.

We can read that and a reminder that of the commitment that we made and commitment that you've made. It's a good reminder so keep that because what happens is you follow the culture and not God's words.

You'll begin to start thinking differently. Like hmm this model is not working. Maybe it's time to trade it. We trade in cars. We trade in cell phones. And if we're not careful that mentality will slip in a commitment even if they end up in a wheelchair.

Even if they lose their mind as they get older. There's a commitment there. And then verse that's the first way to keep your fair proof your marriage. Because if you go into life saying I'm keeping my commitment.

What do you think might happen? You might commit keep it. But if you start allowing these thoughts come in that well we should we should have never married in the first place. I mean we were young. Now I know there's biblical grounds for divorce.

I'm not I'm not minimizing the pain and the suffering and the hurt that a lot of people go through. But the the overarching principle here is that we have to stay committed to the vow we made. And that keeps that's one way not the only way it's one way.

And then verse three. Are you ready to get controversial? Let the husband render to his wife the affection do her and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her body.

And I don't want to see any of this going on in the audience. You know what that means? Come see see re-listen. The wife does not have authority over her own body. But the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body.

But the wife does. Where are you gonna go with that one Shane? Well hmm. I will tell you this up front though. I have used I've seen this misused and abused. This this is the the context is not some husband just coming home and he's gonna steamroll his spouse and I'm the man of this house.

Look what the Word of God says. No no no. That's abusive. That's not what this is. This is a mutual relationship of love and respect where we realize that the in this intimacy that God has given us it's actually not selfishness.

It's the bodies for the other spouse and vice versa. You come unselfishness into the relationship. Authority over. That's interesting. The likewise the husband does not have authority over. Well what does that word mean?

Well if you look it up in the language that this was written it basically means the right to make decisions. The right to make decisions. So if somebody a spouse either side maybe maybe the wife is saying hey I'm I'm not connecting with you.

I need intimacy. I'm dying here. Then she has the right to pursue the husband and the husband not hold back on that and vice versa. Told you it's gonna be the PGG version. Right there's there it's not you to say no no no my terms my terms.

No it's about how I feel. I have a headache. I don't feel you know and of course there's there's I don't want emails that what about this what about this what about this. You you use wisdom and what God shows you but the the whole point here is to kill selfishness before it kills your marriage.

You serve the spouse. It's about them not you. That's how you fair-proof your marriage. Every affair that I have ever heard about people close to me that I've seen I've witnessed some of them are still caught in that relationship.

It all began with selfishness. I'm not you fill in the blank. I'm not in love anymore. I don't feel anything for them anymore. I met this person and now I'm happy and it's always self-focus. Render to one another.

It's a reminder that marriage is not built on selfishness and again I'm hoping you you you could talk this out and you work it out. Don't come home from church say Pastor Shane said but but but but but and there's timing and there's just you know common courtesy but there are people there are people there's no intimacy in months years.

I know people who have not been intimate in years six seven eight nine years and what happens the marriage can really die in those situations. Render to one another does not mean take advantage of. Amen.

You can highlight that. It does not mean take advantage of. It's mutual respect. The whole the whole point is saying hey listen it's not up to you on your time or on your schedule how you feel. It's about the other person as well allowing them to be assertive and and going off of their needs as well.

Removing Threats to Marital Faithfulness

So that was number two. Kill selfishness before it kills your marriage. Amen. Kill it. What does that look like? Kill it. Well what about you know what selfishness is. Come on. Do we need to go through all the different ways we can be selfish in our homes?

No. We know we have to kill selfishness and serve and don't look at me as a epitome of this because it is in all of us to not to be selfish and we have to work in this area and this I'm gonna transition real quick this is a little bit heavy and I don't know why but God has had me keep this in the sermon because I think it's important I'm seeing this so much in the church our church other churches and without reading Scripture I just want to jump to number three number three the third way to a fair proof your marriage is to remove the assassins remove the assassins most of us if not all of us there's a Delilah out there somewhere there's a Delilah she doesn't have to be a woman it could be anything that's going to come against you your spiritual strength in your marriage and it's a poem I often read when I talk about addiction or assassins because here's why often you won't render the affection do her.

Because you're rendering the affection elsewhere. It's a big pornography epidemic. That's why MIT that's why this is such a big issue on this rendering and and intimacy is because many people are rendering their affections elsewhere.

Pornography is growing among women 30 40 percent now I think and men and novels and movies and and if their affections are being drawn away from your spouse so be careful you have to remove the assassins.

And sometimes we need sober warning so let me read this. It pertains more to somebody who's maybe addicted to something and I know that's a vast majority of those listening online listening later maybe listening here this morning there's something in possibly in your marriage that is an assassin waiting to destroy.

And here's what the young girl said she actually died of a heroin overdose. Who wrote this. I destroy homes and tear families apart. Take your children and that's just a start. I'm more costly than diamonds more costly than gold.

The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold. Just try me once and I might let you go but try me twice and I'll own your soul. I take kids from parents and parents from kids. I turn people from God and separate from friends.

I'll take everything from you your looks your pride. I'll be with you always right by your side. I'll take and I'll take till you have nothing more to give. When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.

You knew this would happen many times. You were told but you challenged my power and chose to be bold. You could have said no and just walked away if you could live that day over now what would you say.

I'll be your master. You will be my slave. I'll even go with you when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me. What will you do. Will you try me or not. It's all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell.

Come take my hand. Let me lead you to hell. That is powerful because it's true. And that's not just heroin. That is any type of destruction. I right now there are marriages I know of that are in the midst of an affair and it's leading to suicidal thoughts.

It's leading to the destruction of their home. Their kids are being hurt and their kids are being are being just just running from God because they can't trust in God because their parent their marriage is falling about little girls little boys people being addicted to certain things.

The opiate crisis the alcohol crisis that you name it. It's just destroying our home. So if something is is is doing that remove it immediately. Don't play patty cake with Delilah. Don't let her in the house and have dinner.

What does the Bible say. We learned last week. Flee flee. Whatever is pulling you down whatever is coming against your family it comes in subtly. See that's temptation. Oh the longer I live the more I realize the subtlety of temptation it comes in.

It comes in like a like a morning dove and then it turns into a dragon. Years later after it has you to hold you to bind you and it won't let you go. This little thing you used to control is now controlling you.

And it will destroy the marriage. Oh Shane that's heavy. Oh it's time to get heavy. It's time to get heavy. I just prayed with a nurse last week that witnessed a young child brought into the emergency room who died because of the parents beat that child molested that child.

Folks we live in very evil wicked times. We have to wake up. Yes let it break our hearts. Let it break our hearts. That's the point. Brokenness. There's too much pride and arrogance. People walking around not doing anything.

I talked to young men yesterday who witnesses on the streets and it won't in front of Walmart and prays for people. And I said you realize how many Christians do that. Probably. 1 .1 point 1 .1 point 1 of the church.

What do we do outside the church. I was convicted. We come to church we go have lunch we listen to our podcast we read our Bible. We don't do anything out there. And I actually look at Jesus's ministry.

You'll be very convicted because he was out there ministering to the people. This is serious stuff. However don't be too discouraged. They forgot one line in this poem. It's with God. There's you're never.

It's never too late with God. It's never too late. You can beat this. You can beat whatever it is is pulling you down. Who or what is trying to kill you physically or spiritually. Is there anything. I know I'm not talking to everyone.

But is there something trying to kill your marriage. You need to you need to. You need to kill the assassin this morning. It's okay to go. Jason Bourne. Some people get that. You can you can do that. On this type of assassin this type of thing that's coming against your marriage.

I don't even know if I should say this. So I'm gonna. I'm gonna try it the first service. But a few of us some of you are here. We met with one of the state representatives yesterday and we prayed for him and his wife.

You would be alarmed at what's going on in Sacramento. You would you would you would want to move quickly because of the satanic demonic things they're trying to do to our children and to our families and to our marriages parental rights.

Goodbye if they get their way from vaccines to euthanasia to you name it every. Why are you saying that Shane. So you pray so you get serious. I'm tired of the flip-flop Christianity. You need to put on some work boots.

We need to pray and fast for our nation. Maybe it's just me. I'm in my fifth prayer meeting was this morning this week. And I'm feeling the power of prayer that we need. That's what's gonna make a difference.

That's what's gonna persevere. And I just see so many people. Yes we we love sermons we love worship. But then nothing changes nothing changes. We have to be empowered to do something. Number five verse five.

Mutual Intimacy, Fasting, and Prayer

Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time that you may give yourself to fasting and prayer. So Paul saying with intimacy do not deprive one another. It's a context. Unless you agree on doing a season of fasting and prayer.

Well people say well that's kind of weird. Well what happens when you're fasting is you're trying to starve all types of fleshly appetites. Even good ones. Food you're trying. You're starving fleshly appetites.

The more you starve fleshly appetites the more you can be filled with the Spirit of God. Obviously you don't. You know just starve yourself. And fasting really isn't starving yourself. Did you know that it's not starving.

It's going into fat reserves as fuel. That's not starving. That's changing your fuel source. But fasting and prayer he said then come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

So number four. I know you're not gonna like this point. But that's okay. Fast often is the way as the way to discipline the body. Fasting often because what happens is everything's out of control. I might my diets out of control.

I just eat all this. I'm and God says you know fast. Begin to tell your body what to do. You don't don't let your body control you. You control your body. Fasting kills the bodily appetites. If is there something you've been dealing with that you can't break.

Is there is there something a stronghold unless you do you believe the words of Jesus. Everyone in this room. Okay here we go. Matthew 17 21. You know this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.

So don't take my word for it. I'm gonna go to the pulpit commentary one of the best commentaries it was ever made. I believe it says this kind can mean only this kind of evil spirit or demons in general.

The Apostles had already exercised successfully their power over devils without special prayer or fasting. The words point to a truth in the spiritual world that there are different degrees in the satanic hierarchy.

At least if you read the scripture at face value. That's what it says. This kind this kind of deliverance that the disciples were trying to cast out this type of freedom. This kind of bondage does not come out of a person except through prayer and fasting.

Why. Because it's spiritual warfare. It's a sledgehammer of God. It's breaking down strongholds. We can't sometimes just say a little prayer and fill our mouths with food and hope that this breaks. Sometimes we have to press in.

I mean I really I if I had my way I wish that the way to press in was to eat chocolate and peanut butter and take lots of naps and watch TV. Right. I wish that was the way to press in. But it's not. It's to refrain from natural appetites and to show God how serious we are.

So if you're interested in this I just want to give you some fasting tips. You can read about my fasting experience. We handed it out. Take it to prayer. Ask God for confirmation in scripture. Lord do you want me to do this.

Also I've talked about this before. Get your body ready. Fasting is impossible for most people because when they fast they are actually withdrawing. They're withdrawing from sugar and nicotine and alcohol and caffeine and processed foods and chemicals.

They're there. I can't fast. Right. You're withdrawing just like a heroin addict in recovery. Get off of that so the body can run clean and more efficient. And also the power of the made up mind to set a time frame even if it's for the day.

I do that often for the whole day. And then I'll eat in the evening and just fasting and praying throughout the day. And then number four. Plan for difficulties. Plan for difficulties. We don't know how Jesus felt during his 40-day fast.

But we do know that he what came out in the fullness and the power of the Spirit of God. So verse 6. But I say this as a concession not as a commandment. Paul what are you doing. Is this your opinion.

Now he says well I say this is a concession. It's not a commandment. So I think many are confused on the context of what he means. But verse 7 I think shed some light on it says for I wish that all men were even as I myself am he's single.

But each one has his own gift from God one in this manner and another in that. So we see here Paul's it could be Paul's opinion about singleness. He's saying I wish that all people are single like me.

That's my opinion. But it's not a command. God gives each person their own gift. Also we have to remember in Paul's time there was great persecution great persecution. He talks elsewhere about saying because of the because of the current distress he believes that a person should remain single.

Don't go seek a wife. Don't go seek a husband. Don't have children in this distress. They were being persecuted. Did you know the Christians were persecuted. They would be. They would be put on poles and I think it was Nero would light them on fire to light the streets thrown to the Lions in the Coliseums.

Because of their faith because of who they believed in they would not bow to King Caesar. They would bow to King Jesus. And it cost them their lives. There's a rich heritage here that we should be thankful for that we should appreciate we should hold it like it like a precious jewel.

But he's talking here about remaining single. So that's why I want to just touch base on that the beauty of singleness. Serve God with all your time. 1st Corinthians 734. We're gonna skip ahead. An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord's affairs.

Her aim is to is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world how she may please her husband. So see both are good. Don't beat yourself up.

Oh if I was just single see God I could serve you more. But God says no you're calling now is your family. I'm first still. God says I'm first still. But now your time has to be split and has to be split with your family as well.

So either God God appreciates either it says Paul will go on to say if you have a husband don't. Don't seek to be loosed. And if you have no one don't seek to be bound. Don't don't seek marriage like be content and where God puts you.

And I know you're saying easy for you to say that's all the single say that's easy for you to say. Well I just know that God uses all different situations and in seasons in life to build us and shape us.

And verse 8. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows it is good for them if they remain even as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

So Paul is saying it's better to remain single. But if you're not a single if God didn't create you to be a single and you have a desire and a passion. And and and that's that's you got to keep that fire in the fireplace.

Then it's okay to marry instead of burn with passion your entire life. So there must have been some questions coming up about marriage that he wrote to them. And that's what I read earlier I commented on earlier.

But I actually have the verse here verse 27. Are you pledged to a woman. Don't seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment. Don't look for a wife. But if you do marry you have not sinned.

So he was clarifying this for the church in Corinth. So again it goes back to marriage as a safe haven. But you know what. Let me just throw this out there for singles don't let the burning with passion pick your partner.

He's kind of absorbed that for a minute look Paul said if I'm burning with passion I can marry. No no. Don't let the don't let the passion choose your mate. Don't let the the the emotion the impulse choose your mate.

Because most people unless they thoroughly vet the person I mean get to know them is what I mean get to know them. Ask where is where are they out with God. And don't just go for don't fall for that. I'm a Christian too.

I'm a Christian too. Really look for the fruit. Be a fruit inspector. What I've noticed over the years if if if they're not concerned about purity before marriage they're not going to be concerned very much with purity and keeping the marriage together after marriage.

See you can gauge a person. If a person I spoke at a singles conference actually I think it was Greg Laurie's Church many years ago. It was it was a privilege to speak at the harvest Harvest Church there I had his pulpit there.

And everything is a little intimidating for a single conference. But one of the main points was that you have to get to know the person and don't go off of emotion or well I just love them. Well are you lusting.

Are you loving. Because love is a process. You're compromising. Many people compromise and they say well they're a Christian. They say they're Christian but is their fruit. And the point I was getting at is this if you're wanting to remain pure before marriage which is a godly thing to do.

There's so many benefits. I could preach a whole sermon just on that alone. How it changes the commitment after marriage. Now don't worry if that didn't have before marriage thank God for God's grace.

I'm not wanting people to feel bad in this room. But if that person is not sharing that same desire with you to remain pure and do things right and they're trying to force something on you like come on come on.

We've known each other a month come on we love each other. Be careful. That's a big red flag. That's a huge red flag. Because you're not even on the same page with that and then you think marriage is gonna fix it.

No it doesn't. They take that dishonesty still into marriage. And I regularly talked to men who single men big issues with pornography especially single with no accountability. It's just a daily struggle.

And they they honestly think that marriage is going to fix that. Oh Shane when I get married that will fix this problem. No it won't. It will carry right into your marriage and it will become a fire that you cannot put out.

You get accountability now. You get software now. Yes it's a fight. It's a struggle. But what happens is who you are. When you say I do is who you are in the marriage. So if there's issues if you see why I know he's got.

I've had people tell me well I know he's got a really bad temper. He breaks things he hits things. I know he drinks sometimes and I know he doesn't want to remain pure. And he you know he says he's a Christian.

I think he was raised Jehovah Witness and but I really love him. I really I really love him run. Well I'm supposed to minister to him. Let somebody else minister to him. The Bible says do not be unequally yoked.

That's what that means. How can light and darkness come together now again. If this is your situation once you say I do it changes now. Now you have a commitment now it falls under other guidelines in first Corinthians to remain with that spouse.

God will see you through God's grace and God's mercy. If you cry out to God in a bad situation he will be your rear guard. He will be your strength. He will see you through. So don't get discouraged and say oh I blew it I should have done things better and take it to God take it to God.

Fasting as Spiritual Discipline

So the fourth thing I said earlier was was was incorporate some type of fasting and I don't think that's odd or weird because it helps to discipline the body. And yet what I found is a person who fasts and you're probably going.

What does that look like. Well if you want copies I wrote a book feasting and fasting. They're free. I think that's just can find them in the book closet. And you can just have when I talk about all the different things.

But you can start easy by throughout the day. I'm not gonna eat. I'm gonna pray. I'm gonna seek God. What happens is if you're if you're if you arrest the appetites of the flesh in regard to food you it also affects other appetites.

It's often when men or women give in to gluttony and other things that sexual sin is more prevalent. Because if they lost it in this area they're gonna lost it in this area. If they're not self-controlled in this area they're not gonna be self-controlled in this area.

If they can't control their their their diet and their food and their in this area they're gonna more easily fall in this area. If that makes sense it's all connect. It's all connected. So so you can't be real self-disciplined in this area and fall in all these other areas.

They go together. We fall like dominoes when we fall don't we. And that's why this is all connected. And that's why Paul talks about fasting and prayer. Because you need to really keep a marriage together.

That is a one-two combination punch fasting and prayer. And let's say I did what I did this week. If I don't I get up. I don't eat. I don't eat until evening. I still go throughout the day. But when that hunger comes I'm like just God.