Singleness: Is Singleness a Gift or a Curse?

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01:27

Welcome to Bible Bashed, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask.

01:33

We're your hosts, Harrison Kerrig and Pastor Tim Mullett, and today we seek to answer the age -old question, should we view singleness as a gift or a curse?

01:42

So Tim, why don't you just start off in this conversation by maybe explaining to us why exactly it feels like this topic of singleness is so prevalent in the evangelical

01:55

Christian world, why it seems almost like we're hyper -focused on the point of being single in general as Christians.

02:06

Maybe just start there and kind of explain for everyone why it seems like this is a question that people are asking all of the time, that it seems like pastors are always having to address one way or the other.

02:20

Maybe let's just start there. Yeah, I think there's several factors that are leading to that, that you could talk about.

02:30

I think one of the main things that I think is leading to that is we're living in a world right now that seems to despise marriage and seems to despise children at almost every single conceivable level.

02:42

And so marriages are the statistics for the average year of first -time marriages are on the rise because we essentially are viewing marriage as a purely optional pursuit as far as the world's concerned.

02:59

And as sexual morality standards are being tossed to the side, essentially there seems to be little to no motivation to actually get married anymore.

03:11

It used to be that people were operating under the old biblical definitions of sexual immorality, which included fornication.

03:19

And at this point, the vast majority of TV shows that you're going to watch are going to be having individuals who are living together who are sleeping in the same bed with each other on television.

03:30

And so as fornication becomes less taboo as a society, there becomes less incentive for marriage.

03:37

But then not only is there less incentive to marriage, we're actively hostile towards marriage as a culture and as a society.

03:45

As far as those things are concerned. And then the more hostile we actually are to the idea of marriage and children, the more that the world itself seems to discourage marriage.

03:57

So that's happening for a variety of reasons. But then I think what's happening at the church level is that the church seems to be particularly progressive

04:08

Christians or those Christians who seem to want to present themselves as evangelical or conservative, but essentially have the same sympathies as the left.

04:18

What's going to happen is that at whatever point the world is pushing hard, those evangelicals who are compromisers to the core, who are fundamentally man -pleasers, are going to be individuals who are going to basically pick up all the talking points of the world at that point and then try to put

04:36

Christian verbiage on it to sanctify it. And so what they think they're doing is they think that they're rediscovering something in the

04:44

Bible that essentially we've lost or that we're not emphasizing like we should.

04:51

But really what's happening deep down, the motivation is something different. There is a desperation in many of our evangelical elites to appeal to the world and to be friends with the world and to basically get applause from the world.

05:06

And so then what that translates into is some sort of push towards singleness, coincidentally, at the exact moment that the world is pushing towards singleness and despising marriage.

05:19

And then they think what's happening is that they're being counter -cultural by talking about how the church idolizes marriage and all that.

05:27

But then really what's happening is that they're just worldly. And then there's a unique twist on that too with the celibate gay

05:36

Christian movement. As the celibate gay Christian movement has gained steam, then essentially the world is telling us that homosexual orientation or orientation towards sodomy is some sort of fix, an immutable part of a person's character.

05:50

And so then we're trying to figure out, well, how do we interact with that kind of issue where sodomites essentially aren't attracted to members of the opposite sex?

06:00

And so then are they individuals who should pursue singleness as Paul advocates and all that?

06:06

So I think there's a variety of things that are happening that are pushing us towards celibacy. Obviously it's different at the level of the world, and they're pushed towards singleness.

06:18

But then the church is kind of basically just like a dog desperate for the approval of the world.

06:29

Just tell me what you want me to say and I'll say it. But they don't understand that that's their motivation, obviously.

06:35

They think they're being biblical. Yeah, and it seems like a lot of people are really pushing for this idea that the singleness that so many people are experiencing, so many young Christians especially are experiencing, whether they want to experience it or not.

06:54

It seems like, at least in my experience, anecdotally, I feel like I've seen a lot of pastors kind of push for singleness as this really great gift that you get to experience.

07:10

So a lot of times maybe the young evangelical Christian will come to their pastor and say,

07:16

Hey, I'm struggling with this. I'm single right now. I want to be married someday.

07:22

And it seems like the pastor's response a lot of times is to say, Hey, well actually, this is a really great thing that you're single right now.

07:30

You should view this as a gift, whether it's temporal or not. You should really view this as a gift.

07:36

So Tim, why don't you maybe explain some of the thinking behind that?

07:45

Why exactly is it that a lot of pastors are looking at singleness and saying,

07:53

Hey, this actually is a gift that you're getting to experience right now? What exactly is the reasoning behind that theologically?

08:03

Yeah, I mean, there's textual reasons for that. But then I think that there are other reasons for that as well also.

08:12

So I think part of what's happening is you have all the relaxing of the sexual morality kind of stuff that's happening.

08:22

But then there's less incentive now to get married. It used to be a guy wants to have sex kind of thing.

08:29

And girl's not going to give him what he wants, to put it crassly. So then she's going to make him wait till marriage.

08:36

And that's going to be something that's going to motivate him in kind of a natural way.

08:46

Because guys seem to like that more than ladies do or look forward to that more than ladies do biologically and everything else.

08:54

But then kind of what's happening now is that there's a lot of people who are single because they're off pursuing careers and they're pursuing other things along those lines.

09:03

And then many guys are addicted to porn. And why deal with all the work that it takes to get a woman when you can get the things that you wanted without a woman or some kind of comparison.

09:17

And so what's happened is there's a lot of people who are unwillingly single. So along the lines of there's one stream of thought essentially which is making people talk about singleness because they're desperate to adopt all the world's ideas that are popular.

09:37

So marriage is a purely optional choice. A lot of marriage is earning and divorce and everything else.

09:43

And so there's some of that that's happening. But then there's also this evangelical tendency to be sympathetic to the victim essentially.

09:51

So if you have a lot of people who are single and then they don't want to be single, then your knee jerk impulse is to try to paint that singleness in a positive light.

10:00

And to try to make allowances for that kind of category, for that kind of individual. What do you do if you're that kind of individual?

10:08

And can't you be Christian and be okay? And isn't there more to Christianity than that?

10:14

So a lot of the unique emphasis towards encouraging singleness is a reaction to the reality that there's a lot of people who are single unwillingly.

10:26

And then it's an attempt to kind of be sympathetic towards them. In the same way that that attempt is being made at every

10:34

Mother's Day. It used to be Mother's Day services. Like you would have the ladies who had one kid stand up and then you have the ladies who have two kids stand up.

10:45

And then you do that until you get to ten or something. But then one of the things that's happened now is that you can't really go to a

10:52

Mother's Day service if a church is going to do that kind of thing without acknowledging all the women who can't have children anymore.

10:58

In order to be sympathetic. And so instead of just rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep, you have to always play to the victim, the perceived victim.

11:08

And so part of that is all factoring into this idea of trying to normalize singleness because there's a lot of people who experience it and we don't want to act as if it's something bad.

11:21

So then you have to act as if it's something positive. Does that make sense? Yeah. So that's just not the theological impulse.

11:33

But then the theological impulse largely is coming from Matthew 19 essentially.

11:40

So what happens in Matthew 19 is Jesus is basically talking to his disciples and telling them the true intent of marriage to be one man and one woman for life.

11:53

And in Matthew 19, he says, I say to you, whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another commits adultery.

12:01

And the disciples basically have this horrified reaction to that because it was in the law that there is some discussion that was being had about what is the matter of indecency that would allow a man to write a certificate of divorce for a woman.

12:22

Could it be as simple as burning the toast or something like that? But then

12:27

Jesus was essentially saying that the meaning of that phrase in Hebrew was that sexual immorality essentially.

12:35

So it seems like he's coming down on the side of one school of rabbis over against another. And so their reaction to that is, well, if such is the case with a man and his wife, if this really is permanent, you can't just get rid of her if she displeases you.

12:47

It's better not to marry essentially. But then Jesus in verse 11, he said, not everyone can receive this saying, but only to those whom it is given.

12:56

So that language of given, that given language is where people are getting the idea of a gift of singleness.

13:03

So he goes on to say, there are eunuchs who have been made so from birth and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.

13:14

But let the one who is able to receive it, receive it essentially. So their response is, it's better not to marry than if it's that serious.

13:22

And he's saying there's only some individuals whom this is given for essentially.

13:29

So that given language is the language of where the idea of gift comes from. But then

13:34

I think the idea is a little bit different than what people think with that. So you're saying basically the people who are looking at singleness in Christians today and saying, hey, this is actually a gift that you're getting to experience right now.

13:51

You're saying that the majority of that, the motivation for saying that is coming from Matthew, right?

13:59

Is that the only thing there is? Yeah. I mean, the majority of if there's any textual basis, and I think that that textual basis isn't very good for what's being communicated today.

14:11

But if there is any textual basis for it, it's going to be found in Matthew 19 essentially.

14:17

But I think that what's being communicated in by most pastors with under the idea of a gift of singleness is not what is being intended by Matthew 19 essentially.

14:28

But that language of being given singleness is where the gift language comes from.

14:36

Well, then I guess the question that's begging to be asked at that point is if we go back to our title question and ask ourselves, well, okay.

14:46

So that's what some people are looking at versus like what

14:52

Matthew, did you say 19? Yeah, Matthew 19. And you have another discussion in 1

14:58

Corinthians 7, but then that 1 Corinthians 7 isn't talking. It doesn't use the gift language in the same way, but yeah.

15:04

Right. So the question, I guess. Or the given language. Okay. So I guess the question then becomes, is singleness actually a gift then or should we view it as more of a curse?

15:21

Yes. Generally speaking. You said, yeah. Is it this or that? Yes. Definitely.

15:28

All right. What do you mean? You've got to explain yourself. So, I mean, the

15:33

Bible opens up with essentially the command to mankind to be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it.

15:41

So that idea of being fruitful and multiply is essentially it's a corporate command given to humanity.

15:48

And that corporate command is repeated in the Noahic covenant to Noah. Essentially, God blessed

15:54

Noah and told him to be fruitful and multiply everything else. So like the idea of be fruitful and multiply, that's what you might describe as a corporate command.

16:04

It's a command given to the human race. It reflects God's design for mankind at a pretty fundamental level.

16:12

And so when you think about that command, I mean, it's a lot of people try to get out of the idea that it's actually a command.

16:21

But the Hebrew is very clear. It's obviously a command that's being given to the entire human race.

16:30

And it's, you know, there's no way to be fruitful and multiply apart from marriage. And so for this reason,

16:35

God gave, for this reason, man shall leave his father and mother, hold past his wife, the two will become one flesh. So like the idea of marriage is marriage is meant to be a uniquely procreative union.

16:47

And it's meant to, it reflects God's design for the human race at a pretty fundamental level.

16:53

Not only is this true exegetically, it's just true biologically speaking. So we have bodily cycles that remind us every, you know, if you're a man, multiple times a day, all day long.

17:06

You have a cycle, you know, you have a cycle that is telling you that you were made to reproduce, essentially.

17:14

And if you're a lady, you have a monthly cycle that's telling you that you need to reproduce. And because, you know, the man cycle of reproduction is a lot quicker than a woman.

17:27

That's why the man thinks about sex a lot more than a woman will. But then, you know, the standard, like the standard lady post marriage might only be, have sexual desire, you know, once a month near her cycle.

17:43

You know, apart from anything else, whereas a man's very different. But what I'm trying to say is like we have these biological realities that are telling us about our design.

17:54

And, you know, it's insane. One of the things that's happened is like you have like, you know, biblically speaking, we've prolonged adulthood until like 18 or something like that.

18:09

And not even that really. We don't even really consider kids and adults at that point. But then if you think about like the biblical definition of adulthood, it's post puberty.

18:19

That's what it is. But then we're basically we're raising the age of adulthood and then we're raising the age of first time marriages to like 28 or something like that.

18:27

Yeah, it's really high. But think about that. I mean, how many years past puberty is that to where you have a body telling you to do something that you're supposed to ignore for years and years and years because you're supposedly, you know, so immature because you're addicted to entertainment or whatever else.

18:43

So like the thing is, God gives corporate command to humanity, basically telling him to be fruitful, multiply.

18:49

And then he's designed them in such a way that their body is telling them. And, you know, if you're a guy every day, multiple times a day, all day long telling you you're designed to reproduce.

18:59

And then if you're a lady, it's like you have a bodily monthly cycle that's reminding you of your design.

19:04

And so, like, if you just use your brain and you think about it, like, logically, like God's designed for the human race, like for 99 % of the human races that we get married and have a family and start a family.

19:17

Like, that's what your biology is telling you every day on a regular basis.

19:24

And so, like, that's God's design for you. And then if you ignore that design, then it's like, you know,

19:34

Proverbs tells us that the barren womb is never satisfied, right? Just like shale, like the barren womb is never satisfied.

19:43

And the reason why is because you have a body that's telling you you're designed for a certain purpose. And it's, like, demoralizing to know that you're designed for a certain purpose and not be able to do what you're designed to do.

19:55

It's like being a hammer and not having a nail to hit, you know? It's like you're just, like, you're sitting there on the shelf collecting dust.

20:01

And, you know, ladies who are unable to get married and want to get married, they will tell you, like, their eggs are just drying up, you know?

20:09

Like, they don't know what to do. Like, they're losing all their eggs. I mean, but it's sad. I mean, it's sad to think about, you know?

20:15

I mean, it's the same thing with, like, men. Like, you know, the natural response to that is to feel useless.

20:24

And the Proverbs seems to validate that natural response. The barren womb is never satisfied.

20:29

Like, I worked a job once where I was delivering appliances.

20:38

And, like, one of the things they had us do when they were training us was we took appliances from one side of the warehouse to the other, okay?

20:47

So we took all these appliances and we took them on dollies. We moved them all to the other side. We stacked them and everything else.

20:53

Then they told us to move them back, you know? And I'll tell you that there's nothing more demoralizing than that.

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That's the kind of thing that Nazis did, you know, to the Jews. They make them build a wall and then tear it down, you know? Like, to know that, like, you're made to, like, when you know you're made to do something and then, like, you know, you work and you work for nothing, you know?

21:14

And you just, like, your work is just meaningless at that point. Like, that's demoralizing and that's just the natural way that the world works.

21:20

And so for 90, you know, 99 % of the human population, God's designed them to be married and they know it.

21:27

And that's why they don't want to be single, you know? Now, they may, you know, like, if you can get, like, if you're a guy, you can get all the benefits of marriage apart from the commitment.

21:37

There's plenty of guy who will take that up, you know? And then there's, like, a lady who, there's, like, ladies who will, if they can get all the relational security that they think they're getting and have to compromise some of that, they'll take that deal, too.

21:50

Maybe because they're a little nervous of the commitment also. But, like, people are, like, everyone wants, like, there's very few people who don't want to be in a relationship of some sort, don't want some sort of perfect 10 marriage.

22:03

So, yes, I mean, like, the overwhelming, like, for most people, singleness overwhelmingly is a curse.

22:10

It is a curse, you know? It is a side effect of the fall.

22:15

It is part of what it means to live in a fallen world. There's a lot of ladies out there who want to get married.

22:22

And there's, you know, there's not a lot of guys who have grown up enough to handle life and quit the porn and, you know, have a job that can pay for people.

22:31

And there's a lot of guys, and there's guys out there, there's a lot of guys out there who, you know, just love to get married to a woman.

22:39

But all they're looking out there and seeing is a bunch of shallow, superficial, you know, brain -dead girls, too.

22:45

So, like, it goes both ways. But singleness, for most people, is a curse, for sure.

22:53

But then, I guess, do you want to know the gift part of it, too? Yeah, I asked if we should view singleness as a gift or a curse, and you said yes.

23:04

Yeah, I mean, I think there is a type of person, like Paul, who wants to evangelize the known world and bring the gospel to the known world.

23:18

And there is a type of person who wants to devote themselves exclusively to, for lack of a better term, just, you know, full -time ministry, if you want to put it that way.

23:30

But there's a kind of person who wants to devote themselves to the things of the Lord and needs to be freed up to do it.

23:36

And so Paul says, you know, the married man is divided among his concerns.

23:42

He has a desire to care for his wife and a desire to, you know, serve the Lord. And so it might be better to be single if you're going to try to devote yourself to the kind of things that Paul has devoted himself to.

23:55

And then when you're thinking about what's happening in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul talks about, you know, due to the present distress, it might be better that some of you may not marry, because if you do, you're going to have trouble.

24:05

And, like, when you're living in a church that's experiencing intense times of persecution, that may not be the time to get married at that point and start a family.

24:14

And, like, it may not be. And, you know, I've watched, like, old documentaries of the

24:21

Holocaust and everything else. And, like, when you're in the concentration camp, that's not the time to get married and start a family.

24:29

Everyone knows that's not the time. When you're in that kind of persecution, that's not the time. And that's the kind of thing that was happening in 1

24:35

Corinthians. But then if you watch those old Holocaust videos, one of the things that happens is that right when the war was over, what did they all do?

24:44

They all got married. They did. They did. And, you know, these skinny, like, emaciated people, you know, look like skeletons.

24:51

All of a sudden, they have a smile on their face, and they're getting married. And, like, it's the first thing they did, you know, when the present distress was over is what they did.

24:59

And so, yes, I mean, like, singleness can be a gift and a blessing for the type of person who isn't weighed down by, you know, overwhelming sexual desire and who is able to have self -control and who sees himself as a person that is uniquely on a mission.

25:19

If you're Paul, you don't want to get married because, I mean, man, you're getting beaten with rods and persecuted and stoned multiple times and shipwrecked.

25:26

And, like, why would you want to bring a woman along on that and have to worry about protecting her, you know? So there are scenarios where singleness can be a gift to a kind of person with a very unique kind of calling in life.

25:39

But for the vast majority of people, it's a curse for sure. Okay. And no amount of telling them it's a blessing is going to help them or a gift.

25:48

It doesn't feel like a gift, you know. Yeah, for most people. I know, I mean,

25:54

I myself was that person at one point, you know, when I was young and just basic, you know, desperate to find the person that I wanted to be married to.

26:08

I had plenty of people who would tell me, you know, hey, this is a wonderful thing that you're getting to experience being single, right?

26:18

And it felt anything but that every time.

26:24

It never felt like what they were saying. Now, I don't know if part of that was because, you know,

26:31

I don't know that I was necessarily looking for the things, the right things in terms of what would honor

26:40

God at the time. You know, I don't necessarily think I was. But then even looking back on it now,

26:47

I don't know that I would have been very much encouraged by people constantly telling me, hey, this is a gift.

26:56

Really enjoy this being single right now. Even desiring the things that I do now.

27:05

Yeah, I think there's a way to talk about singleness being.

27:11

I mean, there's a way to talk about these things. And so whatever God gives you providentially is for your good.

27:20

Ultimately. But then God gives you trials and he gives you blessings.

27:25

Okay. Now, there's a sense in which trials can be blessings. If your goal is to honor the

27:30

Lord and be sanctified. Sure. Right. And so even a difficult providence can be a blessing to you.

27:38

But then you don't have to mix categories in such a way as to, you know, if God were to kill one of my kids, like if one of my kids were to got run over by a car or something like that.

27:52

Like the Bible says, count it all joy when you fall into various trials for the testing of your faith is going to produce steadfastness and let the steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete laughing and nothing.

28:01

So if God if one of my kids got ran over by a car, I should count it all joy.

28:08

But that doesn't mean I have to pretend it's not a trial. Right. Right. Right. It's a trial.

28:15

I can. God has something redemptive plan for it. And he's going to use that to make me more like him. No one would say no one would say, hey, this is a gift right now.

28:24

Right. Well, yeah, I mean, it's like it's in one sense. It's a gift in another sense. It's not, you know, it's like.

28:30

Yes, it's a it's a it's a trial that God's put in my life to help purify who

28:37

I am and make me more like him. And I can't resist the work he's trying to do in that.

28:42

But at the same time, it's a trial. It's a trial. That's what it is. And singleness for like, if you're just a normal human being who like, if you're a woman and you have a monthly cycle of eggs that are being discarded every month, you know that this is a trial.

28:59

You know that you that you were made to do something that you're unable to do. If you're a man every day struggling with, you know, unmet sexual desires, you know, you made for something and you're unable to do what

29:11

God designed you to do. It's like a car just sitting there, you know, in the driveway, not doing anything.

29:18

It's like it feels like a waste, you know. And so, yes, it's a trial. Like it's a it's a trial.

29:24

Now, it does God have good plan for it? Yes. But it's like we should not pretend it's not a trial.

29:30

It's obviously a trial. Now, like you can God, God, God has good purposes in that.

29:36

And like you, you don't have to feel as if like you can honor

29:42

God as a single person, just like you can honor him as a married person. But you should be praying in those moments, like for an opportunity to honor him through marriage also.

29:52

Right. Unless like unless you have some unique calling on your life to spread the gospel to unreached people groups or something like that.

30:02

The vast majority of people like the vast majority of people. This is like they know this is a trial and and you don't help them by telling them it's a gift.

30:11

They just get frustrated with you because it's just like, like, how can this be? Just how could you know, this is not the this is not the way

30:21

God designed me, the world to be. Right. So why would he give me a command and then tell me and then like, why did he gives me a command?

30:30

And then he's designed me in such a way that I want to do it. And then I don't have an opportunity that shouldn't feel like just an unmitigated blessing or something like that.

30:43

So it's definitely complicated for sure. Do you think the a lot of times the the advice that are the counsel that is given,

30:54

I guess, and just in terms of what I've experienced myself and I've had friends experience this as well, the advice that, hey, you know, basically, whenever someone is struggling with this idea of being single, a lot of times the first reaction from their peers and certain people that they're coming to for counsel is this reaction of like, hey, you're kind of you're you're kind of make it seems like you're making an idol out of this, out of wanting to, you know, be married.

31:33

It seems like you're making an idol out of this. You really just need to be satisfied in the Lord. Do you think there's do you think that that's like a just a totally unfair thing to say?

31:45

Do you think that there's maybe room to say that, but then it's not the most helpful thing? Or do you think it's something that really shouldn't be said at all?

31:52

How should how should someone view that sort of response when you're when you're trying to seek counsel for singleness and dealing with singleness?

32:10

Yeah, there's a sense in which there are people who make marriage an idol.

32:17

But then I think a lot of what's happening in the moment is maybe a little bit different than all that.

32:25

And so the only way I know how to answer that is to try to think about different types of scenarios.

32:31

So I think the standard person who is unwillingly single and experience like what's happening on the ground is that the standard person who's unwillingly single, they they can't seem to stop wanting to get married.

32:49

And then they're being told by people that this desire to have a spouse or the sadness that comes from that unfulfilled desire.

33:00

They're identifying that sadness in of itself as being a fundamentally a sign of a lack of contentment or something like that.

33:08

And then that lack of contentment is then evidence that they have are making marriage an idol, essentially.

33:17

But then the problem is the Bible says the barren womb is never satisfied. And Hannah, you know, she so I'm using that as an example for single singleness as well, because the idea of the barren womb being never satisfied where you can be barren because you're married and unable to have children or you can be barren barren because you're unable to get married.

33:37

Right. Like so in either one of those kind of scenarios like you like the

33:43

Bible describes that as the barren wombs never satisfied, meaning like, you know, if you're in a state where you're designed to have kids, then that would go with men or women alike.

33:53

You like if you're unable to get married and do what you're supposed to do in marriage in order to procreate, like there's a sense in which like you're designed for a particular purpose, your body is telling you that and you're not able to fulfill it.

34:10

And so there's sadness that comes from that. So Hannah, she came before the Lord, she was barren and she had many tears and poured out her heart before the

34:18

Lord and asked her to change her situation and left encouraged because she brought her matter before the

34:24

Lord and knew that he would do what he would do with it. But then the thing is like that sadness in of itself.

34:30

I think a lot of people, a lot of single people need to hear this, that sadness in of itself isn't a sign of a lack of contentment, that sadness in of itself is not a sign of you're making an idol out of anything.

34:43

It's possible to be sad and be totally content and you still want to honor the

34:50

Lord. But then what happens is once you identify that sadness as bad, like that's a bad

34:56

Christian emotion, then you get kind of stuck in this cycle of essentially feeling like you're doing something wrong.

35:03

And many single people, they'll essentially be praying to the Lord, please take my desire for marriage away, please take it away,

35:09

I don't want to feel this way anymore, because they're being told that any sadness is bad in of itself.

35:15

Does that make sense? So what needs to actually happen is you need to realize that that sadness is going to be a normal part of being a human being who's designed for a particular purpose that you have no opportunity to fulfill.

35:32

But then if you're married and you have kids and your kids aren't saved, what do you think you're going to feel?

35:39

You're going to feel sadness, right?

35:47

When you're living in a fallen world, there's plenty of effects of the fall that you're going to grieve on a regular basis. So grieving and sadness, that's part of the

35:54

Christian life and that's a normal and healthy response to the Christian life that looks at the damage that sin has caused in the world and grieves it.

36:06

There's a point in which that grief becomes consuming and you're unable to move on and you're unable to take care of the basic issues of life.

36:15

At that point, certainly, you're making an idol of marriage at that point, but sadness in of itself is not that, right? So the sadness in of itself is fine.

36:22

Now I think it transitions into idolatry or making an idol out of marriages when that sadness becomes crippling.

36:30

You start shirking your responsibilities. You quit going to church because what's the point? Because there's no attractive members of the opposite sex there anymore.

36:40

Or you stop going to work or you just have a bad attitude where you're constantly fussing and you're constantly complaining.

36:48

Or when your friends keep on getting married and you're constantly the bridesmaid, never the bride and you dread ever going to a wedding because you can't rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.

36:59

So the issue is if you – there is a self -focused, self -centered kind of sadness, but I wouldn't take all sadness and define it as making an idol out of everything in of itself.

37:14

And I think a lot of people, they look at single people and essentially if you have a desire for marriage, they almost view you as making an idol just by having that desire and talking about it.

37:26

And that's what's really bad. When I was single, I used to –

37:31

I was reading the Bible. The Bible says man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the

37:37

Lord. And I'm reading Spurgeon quotes. I'm in seminary and Spurgeon says pursue marriage like a lion.

37:43

So I'm thinking, well, all right. Ruth puts herself in Boaz's field. Man's supposed to find a wife, finds a good thing.

37:50

So what I think that means is that I should be enlisting help here. I don't know any single girls.

37:56

And so basically what I did was I went around and I asked all my family members, hey, you know anyone that's single?

38:04

Do you think I'd like that's godly? That is somewhat cute?

38:11

It doesn't have to be. But I mean I would ask around. Somewhat cute.

38:18

Maybe I don't get my specific standards here, but I'm open.

38:27

But no, I mean I would ask family members. I'd ask friends. I was like, hey, do you know anyone? Do you know anyone you can introduce me to?

38:33

Do you know any girls? I don't have any girls I know right now that are even remotely that.

38:38

And routinely people identified that as being desperate. And I just looked at them and I just thought, you're insane.

38:46

You are insane. How am I supposed to find a man who finds a wife, finds a good thing? Abraham sent a servant to go find a wife for his son.

38:56

But the problem is that we've viewed any effort to find a spouse at all as being just a sign of desperation and a sign of discontentment.

39:07

And it's just so crazy. I think a lot of single people have bought into that basic thing and then they're just totally passive.

39:17

And then it's like, yeah, you might want to look into if you're a single girl, where's

39:24

Boaz's field at? And put yourself there. And if you're a single guy, where are the ladies at?

39:29

You may want to figure out where they are and list some help and be open to that instead of just looking at the fact that you need help with this.

39:37

It's like Proverbs 31 says, the excellent wife, who can find one? So that must mean that it's really hard.

39:44

So I'm not going to be so prideful as to think that this is easy. So I need some help.

39:49

I think if single people could just normalize that, like, hey, who can find an excellent marriage partner?

39:56

I don't know. The Bible says they don't know. So we need some help. I don't know,

40:02

Tim. Seems a little creepy. You just going around asking people if they know anybody. I'm just kidding.

40:10

That's funny, though. I wasn't expecting you to say that people would think that was weird.

40:17

But no, they think it's weird because of what you said. They think it's weird because we're just trained through Hollywood that love just happens.

40:26

It's just something that happens and you fall into it and you fall out of it. And then there's a lot of pride that is involved in this.

40:34

And it's just like, my goodness, if you want to get married and you don't know anyone, you might want some help. But Tinder is normal, though.

40:47

It's basically the same exact thing as what you were just describing. Instead of going to your family members, you're going to some guy out in California who designed an app.

40:58

The internet has become the popular friend who knows all the connections.

41:05

I think people, particularly single people, should be open to the idea of online dating more than what they are.

41:15

But then you need to be careful with that, too, in certain ways. But maybe that's a different topic. I don't know. We need help.

41:23

You need help. There's more to say about that.

41:51

You're the Paul type, essentially. Someone who wants to commit their entire life to the spread or the advancement of the gospel.

42:03

And starting a family is really going to weigh you down because there's just so much that you've got to take into account now that you didn't when you were single.

42:12

But then for most people, it probably is realistically more of a curse in the sense that we've all been designed to procreate and that happens inside of marriage.

42:27

That's the way that God has designed it. So when we can't fulfill the design that God has made for us, then that's really when it starts to become a curse.

42:41

I guess my question then for you, Tim, is basically to ask, if in certain situations singleness really is a gift, but then in probably most situations it's more of a curse, should we then view singleness as more desirable than marriage?

43:10

Because fewer people are probably going to fall into the category of singleness is a gift for them.

43:20

But then also on top of that, those are going to be the same types of people more often than not that are dedicating their entire lives to ministry in some way.

43:31

So should we then view singleness as more desirable than marriage?

43:36

Are you talking about in terms of desirable for the sake of accruing spiritual blessings or benefits or something like that?

43:47

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, basically the old Catholic error, essentially.

43:54

That you're more holy if you're a priest than if you're a common worker.

44:00

One of the things that the Protestant Reformation recovered was essentially the idea of the priesthood of all believers and that you can honor the

44:11

Lord just as well being a farmer or a tanner or whatever else as you do being a clergyman or whatever else.

44:19

So I don't think that you have to glamorize singleness as if it's like a path to – like the only way to honor

44:28

God is to be single. And the problem with that is when the Catholic Church has done that, that's why you have all those orphanages essentially.

44:37

It's because you have a bunch of priests who have pursued celibacy with a bunch of nuns who have pursued celibacy and then they wear the habits and all that because they want to hide the fact that they're pregnant.

44:50

And that's where all the orphanages happen. I think the vast majority of people

44:55

God has designed for marriage and it's overwhelmingly obvious that the vast majority of people God has designed for marriage.

45:03

Now, at a practical level, yes, you can be undivided in your attention. You can serve the

45:08

Lord just as well as a married person and there are rewards in heaven to be gotten for serving the

45:16

Lord as a married person just like you can as a single person. But then obviously in one sense, yes,

45:23

Paul was able to evangelize the known world because he wasn't tied down to a spouse. He was completely freed from that responsibility.

45:32

But then the vast majority of people who are not pursuing marriage are not doing it because they want to advance the gospel and be completely unhindered with the use of their time and they're not struggling with overwhelming sexual temptation.

45:44

The vast majority of people are just workaholics and desperate to have some sort of relationship anyways and try to get everything they can get.

45:55

They should be getting from marriage in some sort of pretend romantic relationship that they're in which

46:02

God doesn't even recognize as real or their stupid pets.

46:09

Well, we've already done that episode. That's the point.

47:08

So, I guess then the question becomes, well, how do I know if I'm the person who is meant to be single and it is truly a gift for me versus I'm not meant to be single?

47:26

I probably fall into the category of singleness is really more of a curse for me.

47:37

How exactly is someone supposed to discern that for themselves, I guess?

47:43

Yeah, I mean, the easiest way to discern that is just to ask them if they feel like it's a blessing or a curse.

47:51

I mean, for the vast majority of people, they're going to feel like it's, I guess, absolutely a curse.

47:58

That's a strange answer coming from you, Tim. What I mean is normally you're the kind of person who says it doesn't matter what you feel.

48:09

It matters what the Bible says. Maybe explain what you mean.

48:16

Yeah. There is a type of person who is like a workaholic and who works 60 hours a week and 60, 70 hours a week trying to build a company or CEO some kind of corporation and who sleeps around whenever he wants and has no commitments and no constraints.

48:39

And that person might think, yeah, it's wonderful to be single because I can basically fornicate with as many people as I want.

48:46

But then that person isn't the kind of person who is going to be an accurate judge of whether or not this is a blessing or a curse.

48:54

So if you constrain upon that kind of person a biblical ethic, which essentially says he can't look at the porn and he can't sleep around, then ask him if it's a blessing or a curse.

49:05

Does that make sense? So there's a lot of people who are getting the vast majority of the benefits of a marriage apart from the covenant.

49:18

But if you take away those benefits, then you ask them, is it a blessing or a curse? They'll tell you. Does that make sense?

49:26

So yes, they're not to be trusted in some simplistic way, but I'm just trying to say if you return to an older state of affairs where there was a biblical sexual morality that people followed, then you would have a better indicator at that point.

49:41

But the gift of singleness is for individuals who want to spend all of their time advancing

49:49

God's kingdom in a very direct way. And that kind of person is going to be the kind of person who is so busy with kingdom work that they're not sitting there burning with sexual desire.

50:03

But for the vast majority of people who are burning with sexual desire or just desire, intimate, close companionship with members of the opposite sex and are unable to – who are not taking matters into their own hands, as far as those things are concerned, they're going to feel like it's a curse.

50:25

And they know. So does that make sense? Yeah. Basically, hey, if you can take away all of the benefits that you're probably getting from people of the opposite sex in whatever way, whether it's actual intercourse or it's the emotional –

50:48

Or take away the pets. Take away the fur babies. Take away those things where you're getting all of the benefits of marriage without any of the actual responsibility of marriage.

51:01

And a person's going to find out pretty quick if they have the gift of singleness or not, right?

51:06

Yeah. But what's happened is essentially we're living in a society right now that we're trying to get all the benefits of marriage apart from the covenant.

51:15

And so then what happens is that we basically are – we're getting most of what we can get out of marriage in other ways so then we don't see our need for it.

51:27

But then the kind of person who really feels like it's a trial is the kind of person who is doing the best they can to not do that kind of thing.

51:37

And so for that kind of person, it's obviously a trial to them. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah.

51:43

And they know it's a trial and no amount of you telling them it's not a trial is going to help them.

51:49

They know it's a trial. Right. So, yeah. Because they – yeah.

51:55

No, go ahead. What were you going to say? I mean, they just know it's a trial. They know it is. And because they –

52:02

God's designed it. God's designed them to get married. He's commanded the human race to get married, pursue marriage and family.

52:09

They're not doing it. What do you think is going to happen? They're going to feel like something's missing.

52:15

They're going to feel incomplete. They're going to feel like they're not living up to the design

52:21

God had for them and we need to quit pretending like there's not something remarkably wrong there.

52:27

Does that make sense? Okay. Now, we have this category for the person who is single and has the gift of singleness, right?

52:41

But earlier you mentioned that there are certainly people who are single and they're not single because they have the gift of singleness.

52:51

Really, they're single and unwillingly so, right? And I remember –

53:00

I mean, all through high school, I knew plenty of people that were like this. Hey, I don't want to be single but I am and I just feel like I can't find anyone who's suitable for whatever reason or the people who are suitable, they're not interested in me for whatever reason.

53:19

So, they're single but then they don't want to be single at all.

53:26

What exactly is that person supposed to do? So, we know marriage is a good thing.

53:32

People should pursue marriage like a lion. There's another category of people who are single and they're meant to be single.

53:42

They just don't have necessarily all of the sexual desires and whatnot.

53:49

They want to advance the kingdom in a way that most people can't. But then there's that third category of people who are single and unwillingly so.

53:59

So, what should that person do? And then the follow -up question would be, are they guaranteed to get married one day?

54:12

I don't know if this is just totally depressing terminology to use but are some of those people doomed to be single despite their desires to be married?

54:24

So, that's kind of a follow -up question too. But overall, what should those

54:30

Christians do? What advice, what counsel would you give them? Yeah.

54:36

Well, part of what we've been talking about is advice to them. Meaning, if you just imagine a person who is missing an arm or is missing eyes or something like that.

54:52

You know that the human body is typically designed with two arms.

54:57

And you know that the human body is designed to have two eyes. And if your eyesight doesn't work or your sense of smell doesn't work or your sense of taste doesn't work or you're missing a limb, everyone knows that there's something missing here.

55:12

And we don't need to pretend. Do some kind of live in pretend world to where, oh yeah, the vast majority of the world is designed to have eyes that work and mine don't work.

55:25

So, what do you call that? You call it a trial, right? You say it's a trial. Blindness for you is a trial.

55:31

You're missing an arm, that's a trial. God says, be fruitful and multiply, two become one flesh.

55:37

Part of you just being single should be profoundly unsettling and a trial for most people.

55:43

So, I think the person who is single and unwillingly single, I think it helps just to call it what it is.

55:51

The more that you try to call it like this is a gift, this is a gift, this is a gift. It's like, no, this is a trial.

55:59

Trials are gifts too, but they're different kinds of gifts, right? So, trials are gifts. Trials can become blessings, but then there's blessing blessings and trial blessings.

56:10

And so, just think about it the way it actually is. And so, part of it is like that. I would encourage people who are unwillingly single to have the kind of backbone that I tried to have by being a single person is just to say, hey, the man who finds a wife finds a good thing.

56:32

Ruth seemed to put herself in Boaz's field. I would encourage people who are single and unwillingly so to not be so proud that they're unwilling to put themselves in situations that were, you know, people like put themselves in Boaz's field, ask for help.

56:52

I mean, I would ask for help. I would say, hey, if you know anyone, I'd like to, if you know anyone, a godly person to introduce me to,

56:59

I don't know where to look. And like that isn't a sign of weakness. That's a sign of like this.

57:05

The Bible says it's impossible to find. So, without God's help, you need God's help.

57:11

So, I mean, I think the Bible says you do not have because you do not ask and you ask and do not receive because you ask and miss to spend on your passions.

57:18

I would pray like on a regular basis, Lord. I wouldn't pray all day long every day, all day long.

57:24

I would pray. I would just come up with some regular amount of time you're going to pray about this. Meaning like, hey,

57:30

I'm going to pray about it once a week or something like that. Define what's reasonable and define the difference between regularly praying you do not have because you do not ask and then just being like consumed and worried, filled with worry all day long and you have to keep on asking because God might have had amnesia.

57:46

So, figure out what the difference between persistence is and like obsession. So, I would be praying about it.

57:52

I would ask other people to be praying about it. I would ask other people to introduce me to people about it. Introduce me to people.

58:00

Don't be so proud that you can't do that. Ask for help. A lot of people who are unwillingly single, they go on a blind date or two and they get so discouraged that it was so depressing and everything else that they just give up.

58:15

I wouldn't give up. I would just persist, persevere. It's obviously hard to persevere with that.

58:23

One of the things Doug Wilson says with that is you might want to consider, obviously at a bare minimum

58:34

I would say you want to go to a church where the type of guy you'd want to marry if you're a girl would go to that kind of church.

58:41

So, don't go to some crap mega church or whatever. I'm not saying that they're all junk.

58:48

I'm just saying that I wouldn't go to some church that theologically you wouldn't align yourself with. Go to the kind of place that you would want to find the kind of man who would want to go there or the kind of woman who would want to go there.

58:59

So, make that your priority. That may mean arranging your affairs and moving to a place where I would take it that seriously.

59:08

Where you'd say, hey, I want to be at a godly place. If I don't know any godly churches around here or good churches, I'm going to find that.

59:14

And not just so I can find a spouse because that's so important, period. But then also because I want to put myself in the right kind of place.

59:21

Doug Wilson talks about a father might want to have a travel budget for his daughter to go to Christian conferences in order to meet

59:36

Christian people. I would encourage doing that.

59:41

I would think about the idea of online dating. That can be depressing.

59:47

There's a lot of reformed single kind of things nowadays that can help with that kind of thing. There's some cautions

59:56

I would do with online dating for sure, but I wouldn't categorically dismiss it as an option as well.

01:00:04

I think it's very hard to know people from a distance without putting yourself in their life in an intentional way.

01:00:12

So there's some safeguards I think you can do to do it well. But I would be open to that idea and enlist help with people to do that too.

01:00:34

Make sure that the old advice, run after God as fast as you can run after him and see who's running with you.

01:00:41

I think that's true. I think the goal of Christian life isn't just to get married, it is to be sanctified.

01:00:47

Marriage can be a profound source of sanctification for you, but I would encourage people, if you're unwilling to follow

01:00:54

God, if he didn't give you a spouse, then he's not your Lord. Finding a spouse is your

01:01:00

Lord. This is a test, it's a trial, it's a test. You might want to see how you're doing on that test.

01:01:08

The testing of your faith is designed to produce steadfastness. What is it producing in you? Is it just turning you into an ungrateful person?

01:01:15

Is it turning you into an uncommitted person, an unfaithful person? Are you just letting yourself go mentally, physically, spiritually because you didn't get what you want?

01:01:24

You get married, you're going to bring all that into marriage. Be the kind of person

01:01:30

God calls you to be. Determine in your heart that you'll follow him no matter what he does. Though he slay me, yet will you trust him?

01:01:39

You had a follow up with that that I've lost now, that I've rambled.

01:01:44

Yeah, the follow up was basically for the person who's unwillingly single.

01:01:51

Are they guaranteed to one day find Mr. Right or whatever? Or are some of them actually doomed to still be single?

01:02:04

Yeah, I think with any trials in the world, when sin enters into the world and sin takes pervasive hold on a society, there are consequences to that.

01:02:13

So if you think about issues of war and famine and pestilence, there's been different times throughout the history of our nation and other nations where a significant portion of the young men went off to war and died.

01:02:28

And that meant that there was a lack of proportion of finding spouses at that point.

01:02:37

The ratios are off at that point. The ratios are off at that point. So what do you do? Go to the polygamous route or what?

01:02:44

That's a joke. But the point though is just to say that sin can take hold of a society and the consequence of that is that many people are faced with this particular unique trial.

01:02:54

And so there's no guarantees obviously, but I would say if you want to be faithful a little,

01:03:02

God typically as a generality will give you much to be faithful over. So determine to be faithful over a little so that maybe he'll bless you with more.

01:03:10

Or if you're not even faithful with yourself, why do you think he's going to give you more, right?

01:03:18

But that isn't to say that everyone who's single is not being faithful with what they've been given. It might be that they are faithful with what they're given.

01:03:24

They're looking around and they don't see faithfulness too, right? So you just remember the example of the patriarchs,

01:03:31

Abraham died in faith not receiving all the promises. And so part of following the

01:03:37

Lord might mean that there are some blessings that you have to wait. You may never receive in this life and you might get the better picture of it later, but you determine to live as Christ and to die as Cain.

01:03:48

So there's no guarantee, there's no promise, but generally speaking, God often blesses faithfulness.

01:04:02

And there is the kind of person who refuses to follow the Lord if he doesn't give him a spouse.

01:04:07

And there is that kind of person who might need to learn that if you're faithful over a little,

01:04:16

God's given you much to be faithful over. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. And I think overall in this conversation, hopefully one of the things that is really sort of freeing for people to hear is just that it's okay to call singleness what it is for that person, which is a trial, right?

01:04:42

So I'm sure there's plenty of people who are probably listening or people who are listening who are experiencing this right now and probably people who are listening to this and have experienced singleness, unwilling singleness at some point in the past.

01:05:02

And you might have received counsel from a lot of other people saying, hey, essentially, this is a great gift that you're getting to experience.

01:05:14

And if you're trying to resist that gift, then you're doing something wrong when the reality is there are just times in the

01:05:22

Christian life where God allows trials. And like Tim said, there's a specific reason that God is allowing those trials to happen, primarily being the producing of steadfastness in your faith so that you will be made perfect and complete, not lacking in anything.

01:05:45

And so hopefully for people listening, that's a freeing thing to hear that singleness for a lot of people is a trial that you go through for a while.

01:05:58

And it's okay to call that a trial. Oh, go ahead, Tim. Were you going to say something? Yeah, I think there's something to the old advice that I will want to salvage to that.

01:06:11

I mean, singleness is a trial of its own, but then a hard marriage can be a trial in a different kind of way.

01:06:19

There is a sense in which if you want to honor God and you want to serve

01:06:25

Him and you want to follow Him and you want to do that more than you want to breathe, singleness does provide you an opportunity to throw yourself into that in a way that is undivided for sure.

01:06:37

And so there's a sense in which if you just devote yourself to following God and advancing

01:06:44

His kingdom, for some people marriage might honestly be a hindrance for them following the

01:06:55

Lord because they get married and they thought the person was a certain way, but that person is just constantly trying to pull them away from serving the

01:07:03

Lord. And so there is a sense in which, hey, as a single person, you're never more free to follow

01:07:10

God than you are right now, and you should take advantage of it for sure. But at the same time,

01:07:17

I would say that a lot of people in that kind of scenario, they're not really doing a whole lot with their life of substance.

01:07:27

And then what they find is they have a lot of free time on their hands where they're just sitting around thinking, and they don't have a lot of godly work to be doing.

01:07:37

And then it feels like singleness is amplified for them in a destructive sort of way.

01:07:45

And I would say, well, throw yourself into a godly work. Don't just sit around in your house by yourself and stare at walls and mope.

01:07:52

Find something to do. Yes, take this opportunity to serve the

01:07:58

Lord as much as you can. When I was single, I read the

01:08:03

Bible way more than I ever did afterwards just due to time constraints.

01:08:10

I can sit there and bury my face in the Bible. So it was an opportunity. There is a sense in which it's a blessing, sure.

01:08:17

So I don't want to overreact, but then at the same time, it is like having an arm amputated in another way, and let's not pretend it's not.

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Does that make sense? Yeah, definitely. When you're in a situation that's outside of your control, we should still be taking advantage of it as much as we can in terms of trying to honor the

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Lord. And even though singleness is a curse for a lot of people, it's a trial to face.

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That doesn't necessarily mean you try to escape the trial by the first step.

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Pretend it's not there or whatever. God allows trials to happen, and maybe this is just a trial that God's allowing to happen to you.

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Maybe one day He'll remove the trial from you, or maybe He won't.

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But the hope there is to know that God is not doing it for no reason.

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He allows trials to happen for our own sanctification, and so we should rejoice knowing that we have that kind of promise and really seek to honor the

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Lord as well as we can despite our circumstances. Hopefully this has been a helpful conversation for you guys, and I would say when it comes to this kind of thing, singleness, if you're the kind of person who is going through this right now who feels like you're facing this trial and you really don't know what to do in your specific situation, then we would ask you, just reach out and email us at biblebashedpodcast at gmail .com.

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We can try and set up a session where we can counsel you through your specific scenario and hopefully try to help you figure out how to navigate the circumstance you're in right now.

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If you're the person listening who knows someone who's dealing with this type of thing, definitely share this episode with them as a resource and let them know they can reach out to us as well because we definitely want people going through this to be equipped really to honor the

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Lord and bring Him glory and not be unnecessarily frustrated because they just don't know what to do.

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They don't understand why this is happening and perhaps they're getting some unhelpful advice from peers or whatever.

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We want to thank you guys again for listening to this episode. We thank you guys for all the support and we look forward to seeing you guys again on the next episode.

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Please like and subscribe to Bible Bashed and share our podcast with your friends and on social media.

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Please reach out to us with your questions, pushback, and potential topics for us to discuss in future episodes at biblebashedpodcast at gmail .com

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and consider supporting us through Patreon. If you would like to be Bible Bashed personally, then please know that we also offer free biblical counseling which you can take advantage of by emailing us.

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Now, go boldly and obey the truth in the midst of a biblically illiterate world who will be perpetually offended by your every move.