Keith Foskey Standup Highlights

Your Calvinist

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Recently in Ponte Vedra there was a lottery ticket that was sold and it was a winning lottery ticket and it won 1 .3

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billion dollars. 1 .3 billion dollars was won by a lottery ticket in Ponte Vedra.

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First of all doesn't that just make you mad anyway? Because if you're living in Ponte Vedra you probably already hit life's lottery at some point and yet you're getting 1 .3

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billion dollars but the funny thing was no one came forward to claim the ticket and I thought about it

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I said why is it that no one's coming forward to claim this 1 .3 billion dollar ticket and I have a I have a theory.

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I think the reason they're not coming forward is they're a nervous Baptist. They don't want their pastor to know they're playing a lottery and I have a solution as long as you promise you will tithe he won't care at all.

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One of the things I do online and I do a lot through tik -tok and through other social media outlets is

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I make fun of churches and I make fun of church distinctions because I've been a pastor for almost 20 years and I've been around it all.

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I've seen all the crazy in the Pentecostal. I've seen all the crazy in the Baptist. I've seen all the crazy in the Catholic. I've seen all the crazy everywhere.

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One of the things that I find is that we're all a little crazy so if we can't make fun of ourselves and have a little bit of a good time then what good is it?

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And one of the things that my friends will sometimes tell me maybe you've heard this they say you really shouldn't be on tik -tok.

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The reason you shouldn't be on tik -tok according to them is that tik -tok is Chinese spyware.

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You ever heard that? Somebody said tik -tok is Chinese spyware. I said listen if there's gonna have to be

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Big Brother anyway I'd rather be somebody smarter than me because really what's going on my wife worked my wife taught

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English as a second language to Chinese students for three years and I'm telling you they're knocking it out of the park.

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We're nowhere close. In fact I'm pretty sure tik -tok is their way to keep us dumber because on their talk on their version of tik -tok they're teaching like advanced calculus.

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On our version of tik -tok nurses are getting fired because they're dancing while people die. But here's the thing if we're gonna have

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Big Brother don't wouldn't you just want Big Brother to be smart? Wouldn't you want it? I mean you don't want a stupid

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Big Brother. You don't want the guy listening to your calls or watching your social media feed to be an idiot.

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You want him to be someone you can trust. I really believe if Chinese spyware is true at least there's a possibility that one day

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I might get a phone call and says hey yeah you messed up on your taxes. Be great.

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Going back to the lottery ticket thing. When we were having this discussion in my home about the lottery and I have by the way

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I'm not only a pastor I'm a father of six kids. I have kids ranging in age from 25 down to one.

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God is great and he's hilarious. 25 down to one. Six kids.

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I've got my own Brady Bunch. Three boys, three girls. They're all mine. By the way this is referencing me for a minute.

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I wear a suit coat and Crocs. This is literally the mullet of outfits right here.

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Over 40 dads and medical workers are keeping Crocs in business. Praise the

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Lord. I'm telling my daughter about this 1 .3

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million dollar or billion dollar lottery and my kids don't play the lottery. She's never played the lottery but she thought about it for a minute and it got me nervous because she started really thinking.

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I was like what's she thinking about and she looked at me. She's the sweetest girl. I mean God love her.

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She's the best. She looked at me and she said daddy if I won the lottery

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I would pay off your house. Then people say ah.

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I said baby I live in a double wife. If you win 1 .3

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billion dollars I better live in a house that didn't once have wheels. I better get a new house.

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I don't want this. A billion dollars. You realize how much a billion is? Have you ever thought about the distinction between million, billion, trillion?

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How long is a million seconds?

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Anybody know? A million seconds is 11 days. A million seconds is 11 days.

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11 .7 or something. It's 11 days. How long is a billion seconds?

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31 years. The difference between a million and a billion is actually something that in our minds we can't really even calculate.

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Here's the real fun part. How long is a trillion seconds? 31 ,000 years.

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Which means if you're a young earth guy like Ken Ham and you may not know who that is, that means you don't even believe the earth has been around for a trillion seconds.

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If you don't get that, that's an inside baseball kind of Christian joke. I see some of you.

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Who's Ken Ham? Ken Ham's the guy who built the Ark up in Kentucky. He built his own Noah's Ark in Kentucky.

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I went and visited it. It was great. The only part I didn't like about it is one side of it is the

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Ark but if you walk around on the other side it's a building. The Ark is just a shell on the side of a building.