Bereavement I: Comfort in Grief | Behold Your God Podcast

Welcome to another episode of the Behold Your God podcast. I'm Matthew Robinson, director of Mediagratiae, and I'm here again this week with Dr. John Snyder, pastor of Christ Church New Albany, and the author and host of the Behold Your God study series by Mediagratiae.

Bereavement as a Universal Christian Experience

This week the subject that we're considering is bereavement, the loss of a loved one. And this is obviously something that no human being is free from having to deal with in this life, and the Christian is no exception.

But how the Christian deals with bereavement is really one of the glories of the work of the Spirit in his people. And so, as we often do, we're going to have some help from someone from church history.

And this week it's by the journal entries of one Andrew Benar. So John, tell us a little bit about Andrew Benar.

Yeah, this little book is published by the Banner of Truth Trust. Normally it comes with a nice dust cover, but I throw all my dust covers away to the horror of Matt and others. Andrew Benar, if you know something about him, you probably know more about the friends of Andrew Benar than you do about Andrew Benar, because he really is best known for this book, the memoir and remains of Robert Murray McShane.

Benar was born in 1810 in Scotland and he lived a full long life. He lived, died in 1892. He was at college studying in Edinburgh for the ministry and in the midst of that was genuinely converted at about age 20.

And when he was in college, he was very close friends with McShane. And then later when they both went into the ministry, they continued their friendship. And when McShane died in his late 20s, I think 29, Benar quickly put together this book and it's been used throughout the centuries to help believers.

After being converted, Benar, like others, came under the influence of a man named Thomas Chalmers. Now, Chalmers isn't the one we want to focus on today, but I want to say something about him. Thomas Chalmers was the leader of the moderate party, which was the majority party in the day of the Church of Scotland.

So we would call them, you know, theologically liberal. Great mind, great mathematician, great thinker, but really not a great lover of Christ. He was converted and his conversion shook the Church of Scotland at that time because he went from being a moderate to being an evangelical.

And when we say evangelical, we mean of an older stamp.

A gospel man.

Yes, he clear on doctrine, very careful with doctrine, but also very warm and experiential. So he's the main theology professor for these young men and Benar is under his preaching. And when we read the lives of these young men that were used in revival, wave after wave of revival through Scotland, 1830s on to, you know, 1870s, we really see that they all bear the mark of Thomas Chalmers spirituality, reform doctrine, warm experiential application of those truths in their own lives.

So when we read Benar's little book, it's really like reading a prayer diary. There's so many entries here about fasting and prayer and seeking the Lord and the result of that, but also they are aggressively evangelistic.

And so that really dispels the myth that Calvinism produces, you know, a kind of a fatalistic approach to evangelism. Chalmers really wanted to see the Church of Scotland reach the cities, the urban centers in Scotland.

And these young men were part of an effort to do that in a new way.

It's remarkable that Benar, he spends his life quietly serving. He's not out front like some of these other men that we know perhaps more. He's not in the spotlight, you could say, but he does influence churches in this very quiet, but very powerful way through nearly 60 years of pastoring and writing and leading.

The Death of Isabella and Immediate Grief

So for this podcast, we want to talk about the sad period in his life where he loses his wife, Isabella, and we see how he records the Lord's faithfulness to him and the comfort that he gives him during that time.

Yeah, we need to jump ahead to the year 1864, Saturday, September 24th. Benar records in his journal that at 8 a .m., another daughter was born to them. They already have a number of children. One child has already preceded them in death, a little boy named Andrew.

Now he records his prayer for this daughter. So you understand September, you know, 24th for them. It's a happy day. A daughter's born and he writes this, Lord, may this little one be another of thy saved, a precious stone in thy breastplate, one in whom thou shalt be glorified.

So beautiful day, just everyone's rejoicing. But a couple of weeks from that point, October 15th, we read a very shocking entry which starts with, Oh, what a wound. Matt, why don't you read us that?

Saturday, October 15th.

Oh, what a wound.

Last night, most suddenly after three hours sinking, my dear, dear Isabella was taken from me. Lord, pour in comfort for I cannot. It needs the Holy Ghost to work at such a time. Lord, what innumerable kindnesses thou gavest me through her.

A true wife, a true mother, a true mistress, a true friend. She passed away so gently that till I held her hand and touched her cheek, I could scarcely believe it was death. And then he goes on to say, I've needed this affliction.

It brings to my remembrance sins of many, many kinds. Neglected prayer, neglected thanksgiving, self-indulgence, my life too much a life for myself and family. Lord, let me not love thee less, but more because of this stroke.

And from this day, may I work more for thee in gathering of souls. I had been reading between dinner and tea my usual verses. Nahum 1 7 was that for the day. The Lord is good, etc. Oh, little did I think how I would need it half an hour later.

Lord, Lord, make this a time of the Spirit being poured out upon my family. So he's in shock there. And yet he goes to the Scriptures, the only real solid foundation.

Yeah, I mean, there's just so many helpful things that we see in the immediate response to the death because we're going to be reading a lot of entries from his journal. But this is the day of the death.

So before he goes to bed that night, you know, he records his thoughts, you know, because of this. One of the things we notice right off as he says, he pleads with God to pour in comfort. He said, because I cannot.

I mean, to be at such a point as a believer to say to the Lord, I cannot seem to find comfort adequate to this sorrow. But you can, God. And then, you know, then he goes on, strangely, to confess a number of sins, particularly neglect in the spiritual areas and selfishness.

As he looks over his life, God, I've prayed too little. I've, you know, I've not walked close enough. And God, I've been too selfish with my family. And he just feels these things, you know, as he looks at his wife who has passed on to be with Christ.

But he ends that section pleading with God that he would love him more because of this blow, not less, and that he would devote himself more carefully to the good of souls around him, not less. You notice that he mentions there Nahum 1 .7.

Let me read that verse. The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, and he knows those who take refuge in him. So immediately, you know, we might read over that too quickly. What we realize is that in his own personal daily reading through the scripture, this is the verse that sticks out to him.

Before he's ever aware that anything's wrong with his wife physically. So God providentially preparing his son for the great blow that's coming.

He describes the scene at her death in the part of this journal entry. She passed away in three hours after we got alarmed. And as our old family servant said, slipped into glory at a quarter to ten. I was bewildered.

I said to her a few minutes before she departed, I know you are leaning upon Christ. And she tried gently to say that she was, but was almost unconscious all the three hours. I had just prayed aloud, Lord, receive her spirit.

When life was gone and we had our fill of uncontrollable weeping, for all the children were there and the servants, I prayed with them as I could. This time will never be forgotten.

Later he mentions in family worship that evening he reads to the children from Revelation chapter 7. We're going to read a large portion of that because I want us to read it together. Not as people observing, well that's what he read to his kids back then.

But what these words must have meant to a husband who has just received this terrible shock that without any forewarning his wife who seemed to be in perfect health is now with Christ. And to read it, to listen to it as the children would have listened to it, whose whole world is turned upside down because mom is no longer with us here.

This is what he read. Revelation chapter 7 in verse 9. After these things I looked and behold a great multitude which no one could count from every nation and all tribes and peoples and tongues standing before the throne and before the Lamb clothed in white robes and palm branches were in their hands and they cry out with a loud voice saying Salvation to our God who sits on the throne and to the Lamb.

And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God saying Amen, blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever.

Amen. Then one of the elders answered saying to me These who are clothed in the white robes, who are they? And where have they come from? I said to him, My Lord, you know. And he said to me, These are the ones who come out of the great tribulation and they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

For this reason they are before the throne of God and they serve Him day and night in His temple and He who sits on the throne will spread His tabernacle over them. They will hunger no longer nor thirst anymore nor will the sun beat down on them nor any heat for the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd and will guide them to the springs of the water of life and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

So certainly an extraordinary meditation for those who have just lost a loved one. And yet, after reading this and spending time with the children trying to really grapple with their loss, Benar closes his entry with this.

But oh, the shadow is deep.

Quiet Faithfulness and the Comfort of Christ

Yeah, really what comfort is there in this sin-destroyed world than who God is and His amazing goodness and the certainty of it toward His people. What an amazing passage. Benar writes about his wife's quiet spiritual life.

What kind of person was she? What kind of Christian was she? He writes, Dear, dear Isabella was a most true, sincere, unpretending believer. In small duties, she was specially to be found careful and attentive.

Oh, what I've lost. I've been thinking of her in glory, perhaps with little Andrew beside her and how they will meet me. Some people pass through life having touched the hem of his garment without any public demonstration, speaking there of Christ.

Some, again, like Bartimaeus, openly follow Jesus in the way so that all see their deeds. But both classes are alike safe. The domestic follower is of the former class, most heartily on the Lord's side, but not acting on everyone.

Though, if you come into contact, you find what a true, thankful, loving spirit is cherished toward the Lord Jesus. I see, too, when a believer seems to be doing little, it often seems to be just this, that the believer has not the same gift as others around, and so is not going forth in that direction.

But the stream, being thus checked, does flow forth in some other ways, if not by words, then by the life, the letters, the little acts, etc.

Wonderful statement there about the walk that his wife had with the Lord and the work that he saw of God in her own soul. But we wanted to read that because it demonstrates something that we don't want to overlook, and that is that there are people who are quieter and who serve the Lord in quieter ways.

So we could think of a mom raising kids at home, and her hands are full. Amy Carmichael in India said that in India there was a local proverb that said, children bind the feet of the mother. You feel like, am I not able to do anything in the kingdom?

I'm always chasing little ones around. Well, that is a way of serving. But also the quiet man, a man who goes to work every day and lives for Christ in front of his co-workers, and he's not an outspoken, bold, loud kind of guy, but he's consistent, and what they see is real.

And it is a wonderful mirror of Christ's reality to the people around him.

Yeah, when the stream is checked, you do find that it flows forth in some other ways. We're not talking about some people are stagnant. Other people love Christ with their lives, but it appears in different ways.

It manifests in different ways.

He writes at the end of that first day after her death. He says, the children all feel their dear mother's loss with bursting hearts so that I cannot often bear to think upon their loss. I want to read a couple of other quotes here, but what we're going to see is Benar is going to really feel, begin to feel the depth of the loss, not only for himself, but for the kids and the realization that this is not going to go away in a week.

He writes this, my Lord and Savior is henceforth to be to me instead of what I have lost. He's going to have to fill that gap, but he does not forbid me to mourn, nor will he forget to bless. In spite of that hope, he writes the next day, Tuesday the 18th, I felt it difficult to keep from some hard thoughts of God, or rather from doubts of my being loved by him.

Now I am delivered from this temptation and can stand upon the rock and look at the waves. So clearly a very godly young man, and yet this pastor in passing through the grief is not lifted by Christ above the waves, but the waves roll over him, and yet he says, you know, I stand on the rock, and we're going to see as we continue to look at the following, the days following the funeral, how waves of sorrow and yet constant faithful comfort from God come.

So we come to the day of the funeral, and we read in Benar's journal that evening, he writes,. Today has been stormy and wet all through, and not less at the grave. There she lies beside our little boy.

The occupation and presence of so many friends prevented the true realization of the solemn and bitter fact that now she has left us to feel by experience of her absence all she has been so long by her presence.

I was able to listen to the word and join in each prayer. My brother Horace remained with us. The rest went with his own way. Resurrection has been much before my mind. I believed we were this day committing to the earth the seed of an incorruptible body, glorious, spiritual, immortal.

Savior, be everything to me until that day come. And he goes on to say, the very many letters of sympathy that have come to me are so many tokens of how the elder brother, speaking there of Christ, has been thinking upon me, touching these hearts, and saying, Go, speak in my name.

So many helpful things there. Laying his wife's body in the grave is described as planting the immortal seed. I mean, there will be a resurrection, glorious, spiritual, immortal. And again, as you pointed out, the picture of Christ, the elder brother, bringing comfort and him pleading with Christ that he would be everything to Andrew until he sees him face to face at that great resurrection.

Well, wonderful faith that grabs hold of these truths. And yet, on Thursday the 20th, the day after the funeral, listen to what he says again about the waves of sorrow, particularly as he considers the loss that children have suffered.

He writes this, So, having to entrust the children, not just himself, to Christ's care.

He remembers their wedding day, and he compares it to the longing that he now feels for the final gathering together of all the church at the great marriage supper of the Lamb.

He writes,.

The Torrent of Sorrow Settles Into Calm

What follows then, one week from her death. He writes on Saturday the 22nd, a long entry where he just recounts the many ways that God has been showing comfort to his soul. So, let me read that whole entry.

Saturday the 22nd,.

The torrent of sorrow is now settling into a calm river. My soul is finding real sweetness in the Lord and in the hope set before me. Many most interesting notices of Isabella's state of mind have come to light.

Many letters from friends speak of her so warmly, so tenderly, and with such assurance of her oneness with Christ. The Lord's kindness to me in many ways has been quite remarkable. I have had very many letters full of sympathy and really most helpful, for they were just messengers from my Lord's presence to carry me cups of His new wine.

About 40 such I received, and then so many prayers. My children too have drawn round me so affectionately. I have got access to them in a new way.

He concludes,.

The Lord could not have done this thing more tenderly and with more alleviation. Besides all which the personal and direct presence of the Holy Ghost, the Comforter, has been in my soul. Let me then gird up my loins and meet all that is in the future.

The thoughts of resurrection have been unspeakably sweet and the most sustaining of all. And that day is ever coming nearer and nearer.

Considering the coming fellowship with Christ that all the redeemed will have in the new creation, he writes on Friday the 28th, The other day I was led to think a good deal of so holding fellowship with Christ in the heavenly places, that we might think of Him standing by the redeemed spirits, forming the heavenly paradise, with the second Adam there, filling them with joy and fitting them for the resurrection morning.

If eternal gain to me and perhaps to some others is to be the result of this stroke, shall I not acquiesce and feel even sacred joy in it? It should be so. May the Comforter bring me more and more to this.

Well again, the picture of Christ's work in the heart of a man. What can make a man say, if eternal gain to my own soul and eternal good done to souls around me is the result of this, shall I not acquiesce?

Shall I not bend my will to the King? More than that, should I not joy?

He says, you know, it should be so. He sees it should be so. That's right. But that doesn't mean that that's his constant experience. And he writes, we see again on November the 6th at the baptism of the daughter who was born just shortly before his wife's death.

He writes, there were circumstances at this service of deep solemnity. I saw my children were all deeply moved. I came home feeling all the way an indescribable sadness. And yet, as if a hand were underneath me holding me up.

So this helps us remember that the most mature believer is never going to be free from these swings, these waves of grief that come and crash. And yet, the believer is aware that though they feel that they're clinging to the rock of Christ for dear life, once the wave recedes, they find that they've been held in His hand the entire time.

Christian Grief Is Not Stoicism

Yeah, really a very helpful reminder. It's just so easy to think that if we love Christ, we're going to go through this kind of a thing with a plastic smile, that that's most honoring to Him, which I think certainly is not biblical in our expectation, nor is it really honoring to the Lord.

But nor is this kind of a stoicism like, well, God is in control, so I feel nothing. You know, sometimes I think that the believer feels more because we have a new heart, and that new heart from Christ is capable of feeling depths of sorrow, spiritual sorrows, that the unbeliever who does feel sorrow at loss, but doesn't feel the same spiritual weights, and yet also capable of extraordinary comfort that the unbeliever knows nothing about.

A Film Screening and the Practical Theology of the Puritans

Now that the Puritan film is out and shipping, after two years of working together with Reformation Heritage Books and Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary, we're here in Tupelo, Mississippi, where we've gathered some friends and family together just to screen the film as a way to celebrate.

A recently married couple, Jade and Lamar, came out to see the film, and this is what they had to say.

Tomorrow morning, what I'm going to remember is their love of God, their, I guess their full orb of theology as far as how God encompasses every aspect inside of their life. It wasn't just, you know, like they spoke about, you know, their towering minds, but that their towering minds came down to the practical level of everyday life.

And so it wasn't just intellectual theology. It was very practical as well.

For me, I actually enjoyed the part when John Piper was talking about how they, their shortcomings. I love that part because what it showed was, because in the beginning I was like, well, these men are on a whole nother level that I'm not on.

But when that part was brought up, it reminded me that they were humans and that we all need the help of the Holy Spirit to help us as we move from glory to glory in Christ Jesus. And so that was the part that stood out to me, is coming to Christ, coming to the foot of the cross and asking, Lord, Lord, help me.

For more information about Puritan, all of life to the glory of God, visit themeansofgrace .org.

The Continuing Struggle and Confidence in God's Love

Well, let's kind of draw our podcast to a close with this one. It's four weeks to the day after her death. He writes Friday the 11th. But blessed be the Lord, I have been kept until now from doubting His love in the stroke, though I have almost slipped, almost been ready to say, Lord, could it not have been otherwise?

Well, in our next episode, we'll see how the Lord continues to deal with Benar and how he's brought to have his continuing confidence in the goodness of the Lord. So be sure to join us next week when that comes out.

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