The Total Depravity Tracker
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You've seen activity trackers designed to help you stay physically healthy. Well, Reformation Technologies is proud to present our newest innovation: The Total Depravity Tracker to help you stay spiritually healthy.
This is satire (obviously) from the comedic mind of @YourCalvinist Keith Foskey
For more, check out KeithFoskey.com
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- 00:00
- Do you ever do something and then immediately ask yourself, was that a sin? Hi, I'm Keith with Reformation Technologies and I'm excited to present to you the latest tool in your journey to sanctification, the
- 00:12
- Total Depravity Tracker. There are dozens of apps that can help you with your physical health, like activity trackers which monitor your diet and exercise.
- 00:20
- But at Reformation Technologies, we're concerned with your spiritual health. So we've created an app which uses state -of -the -art technology, harnessing the potential of artificial intelligence to let you know for sure if what you just did or even thought was actually sinful.
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- Like when my air conditioner quit working on the hottest day of the year in Florida so far. And I said to myself, are these thoughts sinful?
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- Total Depravity Tracker says, yes. And our app has a variety of features and is useful for professing
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- Christians from all backgrounds. For our Roman Catholic partners, we have a deal with Google Maps to find you the nearest church with an available confessional.
- 01:00
- And you can even schedule a meeting with a priest inside the app. For our Pentecostal users, we have a dial which is designed to let you know when your amount of sinning is getting dangerously close to you losing your salvation.
- 01:12
- Don't wanna do that. And for our Baptist customers, it doesn't count your sins because they don't matter, you're eternally secure.
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- But it does help you count your neighbor's sins so you will know how to judge them more efficiently, just like Jesus would want you to.
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- And for our most persnickety self -loathers, we even have alarms which you can set to go off to let you know when you've really failed.
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- And the alarms feature some of the greatest voices in modern evangelicalism, like this one.
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- If you can't say amen, you ought to say ouch. Or this one. I don't know why you're clapping, I'm talking about you.
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- And who could forget this one. What's wrong with you people? And for those whose consciences are a little more tender than others, we have the
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- Romans 14 option, which allows you to input warnings for things that aren't really sins, but you're bound by your conscience to not do anyway.
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- So the next time you find yourself wondering if you need to repent, chances are you probably do.