Are People Who Use the Phrase “You Hurt My Feelings” Emotional Tyrants?

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Welcome to Bible Bash, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask.

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We're your host, Harrison Kerrigan, Pastor Tim Mullett, and today we'll seek to answer the age -old question, are people who use the phrase, you hurt my feelings, emotional tyrants?

01:44

Now this is a topic that we're going to be talking about today, mainly because,

01:52

Tim, you did a Twitter poll on it, and it seems like you got some interesting responses from this discussion, and I think we say this a lot, but it just ends up being true so often, is we live in a society that really does value emotions over a lot of other things.

02:18

For example, you can have a discussion about any given thing.

02:25

We can use maybe, does the Bible tell us that homosexuality is okay?

02:35

You can have a discussion about that, and you can just lay out pretty clear

02:40

Bible verses that obviously condemn homosexuality. They call it an abomination for a man to sleep with another man, and then people immediately respond with anger, and not really very well thought out responses that have any sort of legitimate biblical backing, but instead they just kind of emote with everything.

03:09

That's just one example. This happens all the time, which is really why we're having this discussion, but with a question like this, are we saying basically, well,

03:24

I'll just ask you first off, are people who use this phrase, you hurt my feelings, which is a pretty common phrase that a lot of people use, are they being emotional tyrants?

03:38

Yeah, I think the phrase itself is a very manipulative phrase. It does not allow for any sort of discussion.

03:47

So when people use this phrase, this phrase functionally is a demand that basically says apologize or else.

03:55

So I feel like the phrase itself is a very manipulative phrase, and it is a very common way that people speak, and it's a very common phrase for immature people to use in order to manipulate and control people.

04:06

So as a generality, if you're asking me the question, it's a generality which admits exceptions.

04:13

Are people who use this phrase emotional tyrants? I would say overwhelmingly yes, yes, they absolutely are.

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It is a very manipulative way of speaking, and it is something that we should probably erase from our vocabulary.

04:26

Okay. Now, like I said, this is a pretty common phrase, you hurt my feelings.

04:33

I mean, I know I've even said this plenty of times in the past. So are you basically saying,

04:38

I know you said this is as a generality, yes, they are being emotional tyrants, but then

04:45

I guess maybe explain that a little more. Are you saying basically like anytime anyone says this in the moment they're being an emotional tyrant, are you saying like they are just an emotional tyrant and just who they are as a person, how they allow themselves to, you know.

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The totality of their being. Are we talking about like some kind of total depravity thing here?

05:15

What's going on? People who use this phrase are worse than Hitler and might as well have been personally responsible for the

05:23

Holocaust. Wow. Okay. That's a strong statement. No, it's just,

05:29

I mean, I think it's a very manipulative way of speaking that has become very common for people to use.

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And, you know, it's the kind of phrase that we really need to think through what we're actually communicating there. Is it possible to hurt people's feelings?

05:44

Is this a biblical way of talking even? Like rather than the ramifications of talking this way, but I think it is a very manipulative expression itself.

05:53

So, you know, if you could center on the expression, it's a very manipulative expression to use that really refuses, like when an individual uses that, it's a way of refusing to take responsibility for our feelings.

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So it's like, it's a rejection of personal responsibility there. And it does function as a demand.

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We can talk more about like how it functions as a demand, but it's basically functions as a demand to say sorry or else.

06:22

But then, so I think it's a very manipulative, like emotional tyrant kind of expression to use, but then people can use it just because it's the air we breathe.

06:32

It is so common. And I think like there are situations where you can communicate that.

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And particularly if the person understands himself to be in the wrong rightly, if they rightly understand themselves to be in the wrong, on the receiving end of that, that encounter can go somewhat okay, if that makes sense.

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And something useful could be communicated, but it's just a nonsense garbage expression that we need to stop saying.

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And it really is a manipulative expression. And I say the more that people actually use that as part of their life, like people use this expression on a regular basis.

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They're like very, very difficult people to be around, very, very difficult people to live with, and very difficult people to work with.

07:18

So the greater degree to which a person talks this way or speaks this way, they are like that, that is their character.

07:28

Does that make sense? Yeah, I guess it makes sense. I mean, I still have some more questions that I want to ask you about using the phrase itself.

07:40

But before I get to those, I did think about, for me personally,

07:48

I don't know that I've ever really, I can't remember the last time I said, told anyone, like you hurt my feelings.

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I guess I know I've certainly said it plenty of times in the past. I just don't really remember when the last time would be that I've used this phrase now.

08:10

Just talking about this, it seems like you have to have a sort of emotional maturity, which

08:24

I think is kind of what you're getting at. So when you're saying emotional tyrant, you're basically talking about someone who is emotionally immature, who refuses to take responsibility for their emotions.

08:38

And that made me think of a time... Then they blame their emotions on other people, and they use their emotions to control other people.

08:46

You made me angry, you made me sad. Right, and now do what I say. Right, and so that made me think of a situation

08:57

I was in a few years ago now, where we were at a time in our church where a lot of different families were having a lot of really great things happening.

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So some people were... A few different people were moving into new homes, so they were having a lot of discussions about which appliances are we going to buy.

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And so we're all gathered together one day, we're eating lunch together, and everyone's talking about like, hey, what are we going to do for appliances?

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We need to go pick out appliances. And then other people are talking about the babies that they're going to soon have.

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And my wife at the time was really, really sick, and so she wasn't really able to get out of bed much.

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And so for several weeks, maybe a month or even two months,

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I was going and hanging out with everyone from our church without my wife.

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And so for me, there was a little bit of like a... There was a little bit of like, hey,

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I see everyone else, they're all talking about these really great things, but then I'm kind of going through like, my wife is sick, she's not here right now,

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I'm feeling a little bit lonely in this situation. And I remember thinking, getting jealous of everyone else for a moment.

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And we were sitting there, everyone was talking, I was listening to them, and I was starting to get a little jealous.

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And then I kind of came to this realization where I was just like, what am I doing? Like, what's the matter with me?

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Why am I thinking this way? Like, look at all of these great things that are happening for some of our, my brothers and sisters in Christ, fellow church members who are,

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God's giving them homes, right? He's providing homes for them. He's providing new children for them.

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And I'm over here like complaining about it and being jealous and like getting angry at God for it.

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Like, what's the matter with me? I need to repent of this and instead be thankful for what's going on.

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And I think, so I say all that to say, it kind of seems like that is a little bit of what you're trying to get at with a question like this, right?

11:44

You're trying to point out like, I'm sure most people, if I had told them like, hey,

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I'm pretty jealous about you guys. I wish you guys would stop talking about that around me because it makes me jealous.

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Probably most people would be like, oh, you know, I didn't realize, you know, sorry.

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I wouldn't, I don't want to like do that for you. But then the reality is in that situation, it's me who's in the wrong.

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It's not, you know, it's not them, right? And that's what you're getting at, right? Yeah, so a tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.

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So like you have like jealousy, envy, like all this stuff, these are wrong responses to life.

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And right now we're living in a victim society and we basically, like there's certain assumptions that undergird this discussion.

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And the primary assumption that is undergirding this kind of discussion is the assumption that a person can't help the way they feel.

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Right. That's just the air we breathe. You know, can't help the way you feel. You know, my wife can't help the way she feels. You know, no one can help the way they feel.

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And then, you know, that's where all the transgender stuff comes and all the sodomite stuff kind of comes.

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It's all based on this assumption that no one can help the way they feel and no one's responsible for the way they feel.

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But then we live in a society right now that is so geared towards sensitivity. It's like sensitivity that's out of control.

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Yeah. That we don't have a place for just saying, hey, are those emotions that you're feeling right?

13:16

Are they right emotions? And who's responsible for them? And one of the things

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I commonly say is that I feel my own feelings, okay? Like no one makes me feel anything, right?

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I feel my own. Like my heart is responding to what's happening in the moment. And even if I'm being sinned against, like my heart is expressing its desires in those moments.

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So my desires are coming out. And so I can train myself to be the kind of person who has like no control over my emotions whatsoever and blame them on everyone else.

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And so if I use language that blames everything about what I'm feeling on other people, that just gives me a pass to have no control over my emotions.

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But that's what it means to have self -control, right? Is to not say that you don't have feelings, but that you're in charge of them and you don't just let them dominate you.

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So we live in a feelings -oriented society right now. We have no place for just emotional self -control and responsibility, taking personal responsibility for emotions.

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So we use these expressions all the time. So in that way, you're saying you're making me jealous, right? Right, yeah.

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A person can say, you're making me angry, right? Like you're making me angry. And now if you say it like that, now you said you don't know how a person would have responded if you would have said that.

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They probably would have said, well, sorry, right? Right, yeah. That's the point. If you say you're making me angry, then

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I'm feeling something bad, right? And you're the cause of it. And so therefore, you are in the wrong necessarily, right?

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So if I say you hurt my feelings, what I'm saying is you did something wrong, apologize. And there's no room for a discussion at that point.

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Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Like you're not able to have a discussion. So there's neutral ways of wording what just happened that are open yourself up to a discussion.

15:07

But imagine if you're on the receiving end of that sort of thing and say you hurt my feelings and the person says, well, your feelings shouldn't have gotten hurt.

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Yeah, that's an answer. I don't know how well they'll respond, especially if they're saying you hurt my feelings.

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No, I mean, I've been like in counseling with people and there are people who will say that to me, you hurt my feelings and I'll just look at them and say, no,

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I didn't, you know, I didn't hurt your feelings. You're choosing to be upset right now because you misunderstood what

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I said. And you can imagine how bad that goes, right? Yeah. Because that's the first time that person has ever heard in their life someone refused to bow down to their emotions.

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Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah. So you hurt my feelings. It's like, no, you misunderstood me. Okay, you misunderstood what

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I said and now you're letting yourself get angry. Or you like don't like what

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I said or something. You dislike what I say. You dislike what God says and that's why you're mad about it. And it doesn't have anything to do with me and I refuse to take any responsibility for your reaction to God's word, right?

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You don't like it. You don't like God's word and your problem's with him. It's not with me. Now you can say that all day long, but like what's happened though is that this way of communicating, like you instinctively know, like if you push back on it at all, you've done something inappropriate, right?

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Like it feels like you've done something inappropriate, but then like that's where I'm saying it's like a manipulative way of communicating.

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So like, let's say that, you know, classic husband -wife scenario, husband does something, wife doesn't like it.

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Wife says, you hurt my feelings. The expected response, we know what it is. It's say sorry, right? Yeah.

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And stop. And stop, right? And then accept whatever punishment is gonna come your way, right?

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So like all that. So like you, you're in the doghouse, you know, we have all these stupid expressions we use and I'm gonna be sleep on the couch tonight.

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Now I can't understand why a man would ever sleep on the couch, you know, ever, like if a woman wants to go to bed unreconciled, she can go sleep on the couch.

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You know, don't cut it out, man. Don't ever do that. But that's a side note.

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But the point though is just to say you're supposed to say you're sorry, but imagine if that conversation was framed in a different way.

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So imagine if the person said, I dislike when you do that. I mean, you can have a conversation about that, right?

17:38

Right, yeah. You can say, okay. Well, number one, when I do what, you know, and then why, right?

17:46

Yeah, why do you dislike that? And, or, you know, what am I supposed to do?

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Like, because like this, so what I'm, let me give you a little more insight. What I'm trying to accomplish in these moments is

17:57

X, right? Yeah. And can you think of a better way that I can do it in a way that you would like, okay?

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Like, cause I'm not trying to make you mad, okay? I'm not trying to do something that you're going to find offensive.

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So what can I do? So you can have a conversation if it starts with, I dislike what you did. Well, I don't know what else to do, right?

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You can have a conversation about that. And the end result may be that, well, I'll stop doing that because I understand that I shouldn't be doing that, right?

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And then it can also be that you need to stop getting mad about that because there's nothing I can do about it.

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Do you see what I'm saying? Mm -hmm. So both of those options are available if you start with, I dislike what you did there.

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Or, you know, even if I'm like, man, I feel sad about what you did.

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That still isn't a demand. Do you get what I'm saying? Well, I mean, like, technically, you hurt my feelings isn't technically a demand.

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It's inaccurate, but it's not technically a command. It's a demand?

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It's not technically a demand. I mean, I think functionally it is a demand. Like, if you say, hey, you hurt my feelings, then what, the reason why, like, you hurt my feelings is different from, like,

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I, when you did that, I got sad, is that one form of expression took responsibility for the reaction and the other form of communication put the blame on you for the reaction.

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So, like, if you put the blame on the other person, you say, you hurt my feelings, you're, there's an accusation you've made there.

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You're the villain in this story. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, it's the same as saying, you know, like, you killed my dog.

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Right. So, like, if you, like, what I'm trying to say is it in of itself in its form is an accusation that's being leveled against a person that's painting them in a negative light.

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And, like, you know, basically you're living in a society right now that has been trained to basically respond to that with an apology.

20:17

That's the only acceptable outcome. Okay, so it's not just a, it's not just purely a semantics problem then, right?

20:23

Right, I mean, so you feel it when I talk about it, like, you know, when I give examples of me, like of any individual, you can just imagine any individual pushing back on it at all.

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And there's no way to push back on it and it'd be heard, you know? So now, like, in the hypothetical situation that you're just talking about someone who's talking in a sloppy way, you hurt my feelings.

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And it's like, well, honey, should your feelings be hurt there, right? I guess not.

20:50

Okay, then, then you're just dealing with like, I guess not, I guess you didn't have any, like that was literally the only option you had in that moment.

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And I'm just taking things out on you. Like that could see what happened.

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And then you're just dealing with a very bad way of wording what's happened. Does that make sense? Yeah. Like at that point, you're just dealing with a very sloppy form of communication that, you know, could be easier if you would just speak differently.

21:16

Okay, but in the vast majority of cases, like you've basically just accused them of killing your puppies or something like that.

21:23

And then they need to fix it somehow. That's what you're saying, right?

21:29

So that's, I think part of that is just the problem with the language in general.

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So you're just using language that's devoid of personal responsibility. I mean, that's the major, like the major issue here is that God holds us responsible for how we feel.

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And like this kind of expression, you hurt my feelings. I mean, it's nowhere in the Bible because the

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Bible like presupposes that man is responsible for their heart, okay? So you can't blame your heart on other people.

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Like a good example of this is in Genesis where essentially God doesn't accept Cain's sacrifice.

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And the text says that Cain became angry and his face fell. And now if you were to word that in like 21st century vernacular, you basically say

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Cain was pouting, right? Now, no one would say that anymore. Like that would be maybe 20th century vernacular to say he started pouting.

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You know, what you would say now is, you know, Cain's feelings were hurt, right? So anytime someone is emotionally sad, then we're just trained to view them as the victim in the encounter.

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The problem is that God looks at them and says, is it good for you to be angry? You know, if you do well, you know, sacrifice, not be accepted and all that.

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So God doesn't look at that encounter and his impulse in that encounter is not just to say, oh, poor baby,

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I'm sorry, right? I'm sorry you're upset. Like, so God has a very different way of approaching

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Cain than we have of approaching people. And so you can have like emotional responses that are appropriate to moments and you can have emotional responses that are inappropriate to moments.

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And it's better to just to take responsibility for it. So the Bible will use the language of offense, right?

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So it's better to say, you know, I was offended by what you did than to say like, you hurt my feelings.

23:16

Right, yeah. Yeah, and I have to imagine that there's some people listening that hearing something like this, it's probably like kind of a shock for them to even hear that their emotions are basically, you know, like they're responsible for their own emotions.

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You're responsible for your own emotions. I'm responsible for my own emotions. But then if you read the

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Bible and you really understand just how ingrained our, you know, our desire to sin is, it does make a lot of sense, right?

23:57

So obviously you mentioned already a couple passages about like our hearts and, you know, out of the heart the mouth speaks.

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But then, and we even did an episode on this, but talking about the idea that sin is not merely actions that we take, right?

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And sin is not merely thoughts that we think, right? Sin is both of those things.

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So we can have sinful actions, we can have sinful thoughts, but then it goes even deeper than that.

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We have sinful desires. And in that episode, which

24:39

I would recommend going and listening to, I think it would, it would help those of you who are listening as you're listening to an episode like this where we're talking about basically a more specific application of what sin can look like internally.

24:59

You know, in that episode on sin and whether or not desire was sin, you know, we talked about the fact that it's not merely your actions, it's not merely your thoughts, it's even your desires and the temptations that you have internally within yourself to think about things that you're not supposed to think about, to want things that you're not supposed to want, to do things that you're not supposed to do.

25:30

All of that's sinful, right, Tom? Yeah, so, you know, Matthew 15, 19, for out of the heart comes evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.

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These are what defile a person, but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile a person. But within your heart, you know, out of your heart are going to come these evil thoughts.

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Mark 7, 21 says the same thing. So, for from within, out of the heart of man come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness.

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Your heart produces all this covetousness, this deceit, this sensuality, this envy, like you're talking about, the envy that's coming from the heart.

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James 4 is another good passage. Essentially, where do wars and fights come from among you?

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Do they not come from the desires for pleasures, which are waging war in your members? You know, you covet and cannot obtain, and so you fight and quarrel.

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You do not have because you do not ask, and you ask and you do not receive because you ask and miss, suspended on your passions.

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But basically, there's a battle in your heart, and in your heart you have all these evil desires.

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This, I want what I want when I want it. And if you don't get what you want, James is saying, you're going to fight with people.

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You're going to, you know, ultimately, now you can have anger that's like in the quiet form.

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You're going to pout, and you're going to manipulate, like we're talking about, you hurt my feelings kind of language. That's basically just kind of like, you didn't do what

27:02

I wanted you to do. Now I'm mad about it, so I'm pouting, and I'm going to try to control you.

27:09

Right. And that's essentially just James 4 stuff that's happening. And instead of just saying, hey, who am

27:17

I, right? Sent a man to come to be served, but to serve, to give his life a ransom for many. Greatest among you is going to be a servant, you know, and a slave.

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So like Jesus, if there's any human being throughout the history of the world who could talk this way, and actually be justified, it would be

27:34

Jesus. You know, but you never see him in any encounter looking at his disciples and saying, you hurt my feelings.

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You know, I can't believe that you treated me this way. You know, like, oh, you know, you misunderstood my teaching here, and you quit following me, and you know, you're so mean to me.

27:49

And like, you know, and that's what, the reason why is because the Bible says like, good sense makes one slow to anger, and it's the glory of man to overlook an offense.

27:57

Like, we need to be like, the more a person grows in the Christian life, the harder they're going to be to offend.

28:03

And they're not going to be constantly taking offense because all their desires are being violated. In fact, they'll be like much more concerned about the other person than they're going to be concerned about all their violations of preferences that happened in any given moment.

28:17

Right. Yeah, and so I think having an understanding of what sin actually is, and just how deeply ingrained it is in each and every one of us, just how much we desire sin.

28:30

I think once you understand that this kind of conversation makes a lot more sense, because a lot of people are going to come by, and they're going to say, well, hey,

28:38

I can't help the way I feel, right? So you say the, you know, you say the mean thing, and then

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I respond with, you know, well, that hurt my feelings. And then you say, well, you need to get over it.

28:51

And then I say, well, I can't help the way that I feel. I'm just, you made me sad, you know, right?

28:56

And so for that kind of person, this kind of conversation and the realization that their emotions are their responsibility, it can be a pretty shocking thing.

29:10

But then, like you're saying as well, I think one of the questions you have to ask yourself, and going back to the story that I told at the beginning of the episode, one of the questions that I was basically asking myself internally is, you know, whose will am

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I thinking about right now, right? Am I thinking about like God's will?

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Am I thinking about what He wants? Am I putting other people before myself? Am I considering them more significant than myself?

29:42

Or am I doing the opposite? Am I thinking about my will and what I want, and I'm considering myself to be more significant than my brothers and sisters in Christ?

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And ultimately, you know, I think we all know the answer in my specific situation was

30:00

I was actually considering myself more significant. And I was thinking about what I wanted when

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I wanted it. And the moment, you know, that I realized that and repented of it and started thinking about what

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God wanted, started considering other people more significant than myself and, you know, pursuing being thankful instead of envious, it all went away, right?

30:27

Well, that's where, that's just part of like maturing in the Christian life is to realize that, you know, the things that you want are not ultimate, okay?

30:36

And this is something that like many, you know, young people just they, we're living in a society right now that just can't understand this basic point.

30:44

And they think that their wants like should be policed by law even, right?

30:50

So if you want something to happen really bad and you're gonna feel sad when you don't get it, then, you know, almost you need the whole legal system behind you to enforce it for you so that everyone can validate and confirm your feelings.

31:05

But I mean, this is just an awful way to live. You know, so a lot of times people, when you have this kind of conversation, so if I'm trying to say, hey, you know, if you're the kind of person who is just sitting there saying, constantly bludgeoning everyone over their head with the you hurt my feelings kind of stuff, then people hear that just to be me trying to say that everyone should be insensitive and rude and, you know, just a free pass to run roughshod over everyone else.

31:31

And it's like, no, I mean, I just think there's like, I've tried to turn myself into the kind of person who is very, very difficult to offend.

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So like that's what, because the Bible says that good sense makes one slow to anger and it's the glory of man to overlook an offense.

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So if it's a glory of a man to overlook an offense, then that means I should be striving to be the kind of person who's not easily offended.

31:54

So the Bible says love is not irritable or rude. An irritable person is a person who is easily offended.

32:01

Okay, that's what an irritable person is by definition. So I know practically, biblically, that I need to not be irritable or rude.

32:09

I know that good sense makes one slow to anger and it's the glory of man to overlook an offense. I know that as I grow in the

32:14

Christian life, I need to be growing in this ability to say, you know, yet not I, but Christ who lives within me.

32:21

I need to decrease, God needs to increase. I need to be thinking to myself, you know, not coming to be served, but to serve to give my life a ransom for many.

32:31

I need to be a person who's praying the Lord's prayer. God's kingdom come, His will be done. Not my kingdom come, not my will be done, right?

32:37

So what that means is that my wants in the scheme of things needs to get dramatically less important to me than what they are.

32:46

And the more that you realize that it doesn't matter, it'll be okay, right?

32:52

You don't have to get what you want. And a lot of people just haven't learned this basic lesson in life that it's possible to be happy and to not get what you want, okay?

33:00

You don't have to get what you want. And I would even go so far as to say, the more, for Christians specifically, the longer you go throughout life, the more you go through the process of sanctification, the more your wants change in a way that God does end up giving you what you want, but you just want totally different things.

33:25

Well, yeah, the Bible says it's more blessed to give than receive. Right, right. So if it's more blessed to give than it is to receive, then the issue is your wants change.

33:34

Instead of just, like, I need to selfishly get everything that I need to get in order to be okay, at a certain point, it's like, no,

33:41

I want to make you happy more than I want to be happy. Myself, I need to do the things I want to do, and I get pleasure in serving other people instead of just constantly having everyone do everything

33:50

I want. So the point, though, is just to say that this way of speaking keeps a person trapped in this very immature state, okay?

34:02

Because it's based on this assumption that your emotions are totally at the mercy of everyone else. You can't help the way you feel.

34:09

So you're basically just, you're in this permanent kind of victim posture that there's no mechanism to get out of.

34:16

Because basically, whenever my emotions are sad, I look around, I point at the person who did it, right?

34:24

And then I expect them to absolutely figure out how to never do it again. And not only that, they have to then anticipate all the possible ways that they could hurt my emotions in every way imaginable.

34:36

And at a certain point, you run people ragged this way. There's no way to keep up with it, okay? So the more that you're, in marriages,

34:46

I've done counseling with these kind of things, and the more that you're just, there's this dominating, the purpose of our marriage is for you to figure out how to quit offending me.

34:57

You can get offended in every conceivable way imaginable, right? So the spouse does

35:04

X and you get offended by it. And so next time they try to do Y in order to avoid

35:10

X, you get offended at Y, right? But they were only doing Y because they were trying not to do

35:15

X because you're offended at X. And so then they're in this situation where if they do

35:21

Y, you're going to get offended because they didn't do X. But then if they do

35:26

X, you're going to be offended because they didn't do Y, and there's no winning, right? And this is kind of how - Well, you should have just done

35:32

Z. Right, but then if they do Z, then that means they're going to fail to do W, you know?

35:38

Right, yeah, yeah. So again, this is what the social justice kind of game is. In general, the issue is not whether or not racism occurred in any given encounter, it's how did it occur, right?

35:48

It's not like if it occurred, it's how did it occur in any given encounter. And then basically, you're problematizing everything a person does in every conceivable direction possible.

36:00

And this is what happens in a victim society, and this is why there's no solution to it other than people have to learn to get over themselves, okay?

36:06

Yeah. So if you're intent upon taking offense, you're going to take it. You're going to find a reason to take it. And really what's happening is it's not really about so much what's happening in the moment, it's just that person is like you have a heart that's not -

36:23

Paul says he's learned in every situation to be content. If your heart is content, that means like when you're facing much, when you're facing little, when people do things you like, people do things that you don't like.

36:34

Contentment is not about getting them to do what you want them to do. Contentment is about like making peace with God's purpose and all of it is to sanctify you.

36:44

And if you can be there, then one of the things that you'll find is that a lot of these things, like they were just stupid to begin with, okay?

36:52

They weren't that important to begin with because you learned to put them in proper perspective. But if you're discontent, you magnify them a hundredfold and then they just become like these enormous barriers to happiness and peace in your life.

37:06

Of course, if you're content, it's like, well, I'm content either way. The more that you grow in the

37:15

Christian life, the more it's just like my wants become a lot less important to me and I'm not trying to police everyone in the world to do exactly what

37:22

I'm saying. And you know what? People can be profoundly rude and I can go to bed at night without even thinking about it because it doesn't affect me because it doesn't matter.

37:31

So I think this language is just a symptom of a broader narcissistic kind of society that refuses to take responsibility for itself and blames everything on everyone else and it's just a recipe for disaster.

37:46

So on the other side of that coin, are you implying that when you're saying, hey,

37:55

I'm resolving to be content in all situations, does that mean you're never experiencing any negative emotions as a

38:04

Christian or at least you're not supposed to experience any negative emotions as a

38:09

Christian? No, I mean I don't think that, I think you should experience the negative emotions and part of the problem is that we experience negative emotions in the wrong way.

38:22

Okay, what do you mean? Okay, so Jesus was a man of sorrow.

38:29

He was well acquainted with grief. Most of us don't feel grief like we should living in a fallen world.

38:36

Most of us are just feeling like frustration because we're not getting what we want. So you have two negative emotions.

38:43

I'm sure plenty of people call that grief. But it's not, so Jesus was profoundly grieved at the hardness of men's hearts.

38:53

Yeah. Not because he was personally offended, but because he loved them, right?

38:58

So when you think about that, you have righteous anger in the

39:04

Bible and you have sinful anger in the Bible. Most of our anger and frustration is sinful. It's about our kingdom come, our will be done.

39:11

It's not about God's kingdom come, God's will be done. So if you have a spouse who is just profoundly miserable in life and is constantly taking out their misery on you, you can respond in a self -focused way and that self -focused way is going to be like,

39:31

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm good to you and you spit in my face, right?

39:38

That kind of stuff. That's all self -focused negative emotion, right? Because the center of it all is me, right?

39:48

Right. I don't like. So that's just a bunch of ways of me saying, I don't like, I don't like, or the person, the hypothetical person in this scenario saying,

39:56

I don't like, I don't like, I don't like. Whereas you can look at that and you can say, man,

40:05

I'm sad for them that they can't see that this is a miserable way to live, right?

40:11

Yeah. Like this is a miserable way to live, to be like this emotional tyrant kind of person like we're talking about.

40:17

If you're that emotional tyrant kind of person, you're never going to be happy. You're never going to have any peace because there's no shortage of people who are going to thwart your will, right?

40:26

Like that dishonors God and like that's misery for you and I am grieved for you at the hardness of your heart.

40:32

You can't even see it. You're trapped in it, right? You're trapped, you're stuck. You can't get out of this because like you're trapped in this like prison selfishness, right?

40:44

And so like those are two different, very different responses to the same kind of scenario that may involve similar feelings.

40:53

Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Both are sadness, but sadness for different reasons. Right, right.

41:00

So, but then the way you respond is like, you know, the way you respond to the one is very different than the way you respond to the other.

41:08

So, you know, I love you. I'm praying for you. Like this is like God's not pleased with this and, you know,

41:16

I'm concerned for you. You're never going to be happy until you realize that you're not the Lord of the universe, that God is and that his purposes matter, not yours.

41:26

You know, this is a very different way to respond and you can be grieved and you can, you know, pray and fast and, you know, be on your knees for that kind of problem.

41:39

Or you can be like, Lord, you know, why me? I don't deserve this, you know? And what did

41:45

I do, you know? And are you mad at me? And like, why did you curse me with this wretched person, you know, kind of thing, right?

41:51

Right. And so like, and I don't, you know, I don't deserve this. And, you know, if you'd love me, you'd deliver me and what

41:58

I ever do to you, I'd put you on the cross and kill you. Right. So, but the point is not that negative emotion shouldn't be there, but the more that you grow in the

42:08

Christian life, the more that you're going to look like the God -focused person and you're not going to look like the narcissist kind of person.

42:13

And this is just a mechanism that is, you know, basically when someone speaks that way, it's just a very immature way of speaking.

42:21

It's just a red flag to say this is an immature person and they haven't learned certain lessons that they need to learn.

42:26

So does that, oh, keep going, keep going. I had a follow -up question that was basically just, does that, so you mainly talked about sadness and that makes sense.

42:44

I mean, we can look at Paul in the Bible, for example, and he tells, he says a few different times and a few different letters that he's grieved for various peoples or various churches.

42:58

And so he's obviously showing, demonstrating, you know, sadness, negative emotion in this context.

43:07

But then it's a good kind of sadness, right? So you flesh that out. But then does that apply to other emotions like anger, for example?

43:16

Or should we just like, if we're angry, it's always sin. So that kind of emotional attire, you're responding to emotional attire.

43:25

I mean, you can be angry for your own sake, right? Like you're destroying our marriage and you're a horrible spouse, you're destroying our marriage, and you don't love me like you should, and I hate being married to you.

43:46

Okay? Okay. That's pretty self -focused, right?

43:51

Right. Now, there's also a righteous anger.

43:59

Like, you know, you say you're a Christian, and you are, like, in your actions, the way you're acting, you're dishonoring the

44:08

Lord, and you're being a poor example for children, you're being a poor example for a church, you're hindering us in our ability to accomplish the

44:18

Great Commission, as God has called us to do, right? Yeah. Like, we're stuck because we're trapped in a cycle of selfishness here.

44:26

Okay? We can't move on. And, you know, everyone sees it, and you can't see it.

44:33

So both of those could be forms of anger. Like, it has to stop, right?

44:38

Yeah. God is not pleased in this. It has to stop. That can be a very different way of expressing the same kind of thing that isn't just,

44:48

I'm sick of it, but it's, I'm so tired of you, right? Yeah.

44:53

Like, I don't deserve this. So what I'm trying to say is the issue is it's about what the focus of it is.

45:01

Right? So righteous anger is focused on God. The easy way to understand it is righteous anger is, you know,

45:06

God's, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Unrighteous anger is, my kingdom come, my will be done.

45:15

You know, and that's where a lot of people who are saying this kind of expression, they're basically saying, my kingdom come, my will be done.

45:20

Right? They're saying, you hurt my feelings. You know, therefore, I'm the center of the universe. My feelings are the center.

45:26

My desires are the center of the universe. You violated the sovereignty of my will. Repent in sackcloth and ashes.

45:34

Right? But, I mean, so what I'm trying to say is when people say that, like, that's a very immature way of speaking, but, you know, maybe someone can accidentally say it because they're just like, this is the language of our culture, right?

45:49

But the more mature you actually are, even if you use this ridiculous and unfortunate immature expression, you should be using it far less than an immature person would use it.

46:01

Because you've learned, even if your language hasn't caught up to your heart, you've learned that you're not the center of the universe.

46:07

You've learned it's a glory of a man to overlook an offense. You've learned that you want God's purposes more than you want your own.

46:13

And it might be that you go there with it, like, once a year, you know, over and against 20 times a day, right?

46:21

So if you're going there 20 times a day, like, this is just an expression that is an awful expression.

46:29

But if you're going there 20 times a day, I don't care what you say. I don't care what the wording is. Like, there's a problem.

46:35

You get what I'm saying? Right. Yeah. Like, you have made yourself way too important, you know?

46:40

Now, like, I think it would be better if you cleaned up the language, because, like, the way you renew your mind is you start going to war against your way you talk.

46:50

And this is what people don't understand sometimes. So they think you're just being nitpicky when you talk about things like this.

46:55

Like, it's just being nitpicky. But it's like, no, this is how you renew your mind. You start thinking about the way you're speaking, and you start going to war against certain ways of speaking.

47:05

I mean, the Bible literally says, you know, out of the heart the mouth speaks.

47:11

Right. It would take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, right? Right. And so, like, what you need to do is you need to go to war against the way you speak, because you're changing the way you think.

47:21

So in these moments, what you're doing is you're, like, if you start going to war against this, like, if you want to be stable in life, you want to be stable.

47:28

You want to be a stable Christian. Then what you're going to do is you're going to go to war against this I can't help the way

47:34

I feel nonsense. It's like, no, like, my emotions are not at the mercy of everyone else.

47:40

I'm in control, right? They're not in control of me. I don't have to, like, let myself just emote every time things that, like, just roll up in a ball and curl up in a ball and be depressed every time someone does something

47:51

I don't like. I'm in charge. They're not in charge. And if I'm just giving all authority over myself to the actions of other people,

47:58

I'm not going to be stable because people are going to do a lot of things I don't like. And so if you want to be stable, you have to say, hey,

48:04

I'm in charge here. Not you. You get what I'm saying? That's self -control and say, I'm in charge, not you.

48:09

But then if you say that, like, and if you believe that I'm in charge of, I got to, like, my emotions are not going to govern me, right?

48:15

I'm going to govern them. And the moment you start thinking that way, then, and then you're looking at someone saying you hurt my feelings.

48:23

It should dawn on you at that point to say, wait a minute. What am I saying? Right. Right. You're not in charge of my emotion.

48:29

I'm in charge. Right. And so, like, that's where I don't have to curl up in a ball because you did something in it.

48:35

Like, like, what's in the world? Like, am I a five -year -old? Like, come on, like, grow up, man. You know, so, like, literally, like, you're way too old to be talking that way.

48:45

You know, are you literally a two -year -old? And so, but I mean, that's the way you talk to yourself.

48:51

If you want to change, you see what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Like, you don't cuddle yourself and you don't just pat yourself.

48:57

He's like, no, like, I hate those thoughts. I'm going to war against those thoughts.

49:03

I'm attacking those thoughts with harsh language. Right. Like, grow up, man. Like, so this isn't me picking on other people.

49:10

This is me telling people how I learned to get thick skin. Right. I learned to get thick skin by saying, who are you?

49:17

Get over yourself. You're no one important. Who cares what you think? Right. Jesus didn't come to be served, but to serve and gave his life a ransom to many.

49:25

So get over yourself, quit whining and groveling and whatever, you know, having a pity party, like, grow up, man.

49:34

You know, I get so, but when you talk to yourself that way, like your emotions will follow suit because you're telling your emotions what to do.

49:42

Right. Right. Well, I mean, you're just, you're simply just, you're treating the situation like it needs to be treated.

49:48

Right. You're not, you're not, you're not looking at something that's life -threatening, like sin in your own life and then saying like, oh, it's okay.

49:58

Right. Or, or I'll deal with it one day. It's, you're treating it like a, you know, you're treating it like a venomous snake that's in your room.

50:06

You're trying to kill it and take it seriously. Right. You know, so, so that makes a lot of sense what you're saying.

50:13

Yep. Well, and so I think the more that people do that, you know, as it relates to this topic, the more that their vocabulary will change.

50:19

And the more that they grow, you know, these kind of, they won't say these unfortunate situations in general.

50:25

I mean, all the immature people I know who are self -controlled and emotionally self -control, they don't talk like this anyways.

50:32

Right. Even if they're not maybe as willing to go where I'm going with it and, you know, light my beard on a fire and, you know, curse, curse the expression and, you know, cast it into the pit of, you know, with the beast and the false prophet and all that.

50:47

Like if they're not willing to kind of go there with it, they don't talk that way themselves anymore because they've learned to get over themselves.

50:53

Right. And so like, it's just, it's just a bad way of communicating and the Bible doesn't speak that way.

50:59

And we need to stop. Okay. Well, I think that's a good place for us to wrap up the conversation on Tim.

51:06

Is there anything that you want to say in closing on this issue? No, I think we probably said it.

51:12

Okay. Well, hopefully, you know, it's, it's great to be able to talk about these things.

51:17

And, and I think this really is one of those issues, much like the, the broader sin conversation when it comes to not just actions, not just thoughts, but even desires.

51:29

I think this really is one of those things that for any Christian, once you, once you hear this and once you really start thinking this way, and once you realize that this is the way the

51:38

Bible speaks about sin in general, meaning, you know, we're responsible for everything

51:46

N word that we feel, think, desire, and do.

51:52

When we're responsible for all that, not just the, the things we do, not just the things that we, you know, quote unquote, dwell on for some unspecified amount of time.

52:03

When you realize that all of this stuff is sin, it really does. You really start to make a lot of progress.

52:14

In terms of, of sanctification, you know, through the Holy spirit, obviously the Holy spirit's the one who's empowering that.

52:20

But then when you make that, when you make that realization for me, I mean, I feel like,

52:26

I feel like my life changed in a lot of ways and it, my eyes were kind of open just to how bad

52:33

I could, I can really be in all of the ways that I was tempted and all the ways that I still am tempted.

52:40

So, so, I'm glad that we're talking about this for that reason is another excuse to, to tell people like, this is how bad our sin is.

52:50

This is how deeply ingrained our sin is with us. So we, we thank you again, everyone for listening to us weekend and week out and interacting with us online, asking your questions, emailing, emailing us with various questions you have or, or encouragements that you guys give to us.

53:10

And it's really, it's really neat to see how everything's been growing over the last, I guess,

53:16

I guess it's been, it's been right over a year. So it's really interesting to see how everything has grown and really get to see, even now on this side of heaven, hear from you guys and see how the doing the podcast has been helpful for you.

53:33

So we're really thankful for the opportunity to do this and equip you guys in this way.

53:39

And until we see you next time, we'll have you on the next one. Thanks. Bible bashed podcast at gmail .com

54:07

and consider supporting us through Patreon. If you would like to be Bible bashed personally, then please know that we also offer free biblical counseling, which you can take advantage of by emailing us.

54:18

Now go boldly and obey the truth in the midst of a biblically illiterate world who will be perpetually offended by your every move.