Telling People You’re a Pastor is like...

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When I first meet people, I don't always tell them what I do for a living.

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Because my job, my real job, this is not my real job. My real job is that I'm a pastor.

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And when you tell someone you're a pastor, it's like telling them you work for the IRS. Because immediately they start walking back everything they've told you so far.

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They don't want you to know anything, and they immediately start trying to find an exit. And that's fine.

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But no, I'm a pastor, and a pastor is an interesting job. A lot of people make jokes about pastors.

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Pastors only work one day a week. It's not that hard, but they only work one day a week. But what

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I have found is that there is, with every job, with every career, there are the normal duties of the job, and then there are the parts of the job that only come around occasionally.

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Like if you're a police officer, you do the normal job of the police officer, but every once in a while, on occasion, you might get to lead a motorcade for someone important or something special.

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What do you think the occasional jobs are for the pastor? What do you think? Weddings.

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Somebody said it. The two occasional jobs for the pastor are weddings and funerals.

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And one of those is exponentially harder than the other, and it's not the one that you think.

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Because funerals, you can plan, organize, and execute a funeral in 48 hours.

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But weddings have an outlier that makes them very inefficient. You want to know what it is?

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Or maybe you already know. What is it? The bride. Dealing with a bride as you're preparing for a wedding is sort of like dealing with a terrorist, except for terrorists can be reasonable.

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And the guest list is like the hostages. Alright, who is expendable?

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Who can we lose and still make this happen? I've done a lot of weddings.

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I've been a pastor for 18 years. And what I've learned about the wedding, the most difficult part of the wedding is not the wedding itself, the most difficult part of the wedding is the premarital counseling.

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Is anybody in here, and I can't barely see you, but has anybody been through premarital counseling? Premarital counseling is basically, let me explain it for those who haven't, premarital counseling is basically a seminar that you give to two people preparing them to do something they've never done before with the hopes that they get it very right the first time because the whole seminar is about how there's not supposed to be any do -overs.

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And here's the thing about it. Do you know how long premarital counseling lasts? Four weeks.

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My son spent twice that amount of time preparing for the Air Force and they only expected him to spend four years.

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Being a pastor is hard. I spend most of my time studying, writing, preparing for sermons.

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And there's a new thing that's kind of popular now, and you guys, I'm sure, have all played with it at some point, and that's artificial intelligence,

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AI. ChatGPT is now available and you can go on ChatGPT and you can say, write a 500 -word essay about evolution and it'll spit out an essay and it's wonderful and great and kids are turning it in, kids are cheating all the time.

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Well, as pastors, it's very tempting because basically every week we have to write a book report and we have to present that book report to our congregation.

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So AI is very tempting. Just go up and put it in and ask for your book report. But there's something very skeezy about that for a pastor because obviously that means you didn't put in the work, you didn't do the time, you didn't study, you didn't know what you're supposed to do, but there's nothing that says

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I can't use AI for a joke, so I went to ChatGPT and I said, give me a joke about a pastor.

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That's just a pastor joke. So you guys want it? You want the ChatGPT? Pastor joke. Being a pastor is like being a referee in a game where all the players think they know the rules better than you.

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Oh, that's a fantastic joke. Insightful, actually. Didn't have to laugh.

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It's okay. I thought it was funny. So another thing

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I do as a pastor is I do a lot of TikTok videos. I don't dance, I promise. Wouldn't look good. No.

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But when I'm on TikTok, I get a lot of people who say you shouldn't be on TikTok. They say you shouldn't be on TikTok because TikTok is

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Chinese spyware. My answer is I'm okay with it.

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I say if I'm going to be spied on, I'd rather it be somebody smarter than me. Oh, don't pretend you're offended.

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That's not offensive. That's hilarious and true. My wife worked with Chinese students for three years, and they are knocking it out of the park.

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We are not even close. That's not a stereotype. It's just the truth. And wouldn't it be great if one day you're sitting at home, and you get a phone call, and a

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Chinese person on the other end of the call says, hey, you messed up on your taxes. One thing about being on social media, being on TikTok, being on YouTube, is you find there's a lot of bullying that goes on.

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I get bullied a lot. I'm a heavy man. I understand that. I'm not going to make any fat jokes tonight, not because I can't, but because I've heard them all, and it's all

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I have. But I do deal with bullying a lot. And by the way, I have six children.

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Did I mention that part? Not even a Mormon, and I have six kids. Nor a

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Catholic. If I was a Catholic, I couldn't have any because I'm a preacher, right? It doesn't work that way. They would still have to call me Father.

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So, six kids, ranging in age from 26 down to 18 months, because God is awesome and hilarious.

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My middle child experienced her first bullying, and her mother and I handled it much differently.

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Her mother, upon hearing about this event, that it happened, she'd been bullied, her mother decides she's going to write a letter to the teacher, wake up early the next morning, get dressed very nicely, walk into the school very abruptly, look the teacher in the eye, and demand an apology.

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Dad took a different route. I sat my daughter down, and I said,

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Okay, honey, this is Rocky Balboa. This is

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Daniel LaRusso. And this is Steven Seagal and Jean -Claude Van Damme, and we're just going to rotate between them.

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Because that's how you handle business. 80s karate movies solve all the bullying problems.

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And by the way, do you love 80s movies? I'm an 80s movies guy. I love 80s movies.

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Let me tell you something about 80s movies. They lied to us because we did not have the Internet to be able to fact -check the movie.

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When Karate Kid came out, let me tell you something. I do karate. I've been in karate for 30 years. I know

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I don't have a karate body. Don't get on to me. Once you pass fifth degree black belt, you're allowed to let the belt be covered.

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Karate Kid. Everybody remember it? The original. I'm not talking about no Jaden Smith stuff. I'm talking about original Karate Kid.

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Right? Original Karate Kid. I don't know how much you remember, but I'm going to remind you.

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Original Karate Kid started on the first day of school. It was right before the first day of school. They're playing on the beach, getting a fight.

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Johnny beats up Daniel. First fight is the day before the first day of school. Next major fight in the movie happens on Halloween.

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They're all dressed as skeletons. Daniel is dressed as a shower. We remember the story. The very next day,

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Daniel and Mr. Miyagi go to the Cobra Kai dojo. They offer up a challenge for the tournament.

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The tournament date is on the wall behind them. It's a poster. The poster says December 19th.

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Understand this. Daniel -san has yet to have a lesson. You are six weeks from the fight.

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Daniel -san does not deserve to compete in the Yellow Belt Division. But he is going to dominate the

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Black Belt Division of the All -Valley Under -18 Karate Championship. Have you never sparred?

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I get a little worked up. I'm sorry. This is fine. He never sparred.

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Mr. Miyagi didn't spar. He was 500 years old. He invented karate. My time is limited.

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I have all these bullying stories. I'm going to tell you the time

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I got beat up the best. Is that okay? Some people are like, I want to tell you about the time I kicked this guy's ass.

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No, I'm going to tell you about the guy who beat me up the best. His name was Jeremiah Wright.

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Jeremiah, if you're out there, this story is for you. Jeremiah Wright and I were best of friends.

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I was big. He was little. I was like Gilligan. He was like the skipper. That's a 70s reference. For those of you who don't know, it's okay. Jeremiah was a friend of mine.

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But apparently, Jeremiah did not like people making fun of his mother. Something I did not know.

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So, Jeremiah and I were in class. I'm sitting at my desk. Jeremiah is at his desk. Another friend is over here. I say something about Jeremiah's mother.

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Only because we're friends and I thought I had that right. I did not have that right. I say something about Jeremiah's mother.

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Apparently, a flip switched in Jeremiah's head. I turned to my friend and I laughed.

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That was a good joke. My friend's eyes became saucers. Because he sees what's happening over my shoulder.

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I can't see it until I turn. Oh, and by the way, I'm in a desk. For those of you who remember, the desk was a box that you put all your stuff in.

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With a pole and the table. Remember this desk? Again, I was about this size in middle school.

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I haven't changed much. I was wearing this desk like these

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Crocs. By the way, isn't it great I'm wearing Crocs and a blazer? It's like the mullet of outfits.

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Anyway, so I'm sitting in the desk. I'm wearing the desk. I turn.

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Jeremiah is in the air. Like a WWE fighter. He's left the ground.

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He hits me with all of his weight. Turns me over in the desk. I am now trapped sideways in the desk.

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The pole has me locked. The desk is across. I am being pummeled and I'm laughing like a psycho.

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Because even in fifth grade, I knew what was funny. And that was funny.

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So, I want to say one last thing. This is something about Murray Hill.

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27 years ago, I was a teenager. And I was standing in this room.

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And there was a karate seminar happening in this room. And there was a man teaching the seminar.

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And he said, before he began teaching, he said,

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I just want you to know, Jesus changed my life. He can change your life. And if you want to talk about that, come see me after.

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And I didn't think anything of it. Went on to the karate seminar. Two years later,

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I went through a crisis of faith. Genuine crisis where I was really searching.

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And God was a mystery in my heart. But I remembered that man.

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And I remembered why I'd heard that. And it was here. So, I came here.

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I was 19 years old. I came and I talked to that man. And he shared with me about his faith in Christ.

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And that changed my life. And so I said, if I ever had the opportunity to be here in front of an audience,

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I just want to say to you, if you don't know Christ, and you need somebody to talk to,