TLP 134: What Is Romantic Love?

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Sex is a fantastic thing. It's beautiful. It was designed by a God for a number of very specific and deeply spiritual purposes, including the shared enjoyment of husband and wife.

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But it's not love. Welcome to Truth.

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Love. Parents, where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

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Here's your host, A .M. Brewster. Before we start today, friends, I want to share a prayer request.

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A friend of Truth. Love. Parents shared that one of our listeners is having struggles at home. Will you please take a moment to pray for them?

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You don't have to know who they are. You don't need to know what the situation is. Just pray. No doubt many of our listeners are having family struggles right now.

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And if we're truly going to be a community of believers who love God and love others, we need to pray for each other. As an online community, ours cannot be as vital and as interactive as a local community.

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But one of the key things we can do is to encourage each other and pray for each other. If this is the kind of online community of which you'd like to be a part,

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I encourage you to go to truthloveparent .com and become a part of the TLP family. When you sign up on the

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TLP website, you'll receive a code and that will give you access to our closed Facebook group. If nothing else, let's remember to pray for the other

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TLPers who need God's truth and love in their life. And speaking of love, let's talk a little bit about romance.

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If this is your first time with us, we just finished up a series called The Three Family Loves. And during that series,

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I referenced the fact that many people think that romance and attraction are synonymous with love.

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I also talked about the fact that many people believe the Greek word eros typifies the passionate love between husband and wife, but that's not accurate.

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So I encourage you to listen to that series if you haven't already heard it. In fact, I encourage you to start episode 126, which started our month -long study in love and hate.

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So let's see what the Bible has to say about romance, from which of the three family loves it flows, and how we can develop it in our relationships.

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Probably the most quote -unquote romantic book in the Bible is the Song of Solomon, or sometimes referred to as the

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Song of Songs. The whole book is a poem that switches back and forth between three or so speakers. There's Solomon, his bride, and an unnamed group of people.

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Most of the book consists of Solomon and his love, professing their love for each other, and their language is descriptive to say the least.

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Some people have joked that parents have walked in on their kids reading the Song of Solomon and yelled, what are you doing? Put away that garbage.

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Serious scholars have been all over the spectrum while trying to explain the spiritual significance of the book.

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Some have said it's no more than a love poem expressing the beautiful love between husband and wife, and others have said it's a picture of Christ and his bride, the church.

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My point today is not to lend a scholarly machete to the Song of Solomon's passionate thicket. I merely wanted to allude to the book and observe that passionate romance between a man and a wife is a godly and beautiful thing, but is it love?

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One of the things that annoys me to no end are the phrases, quote -unquote, making love, and quote -unquote, the act of love, both of those referring to sex.

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Those phrases are no more biblical than the five love languages. Nowhere in the entire

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Bible is the word love used to describe sex. Now, we have to acknowledge the fact that it's the world who has incorrectly synthesized this idea of love and sex.

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Now, here are the easiest arguments against that concept from a biblical standpoint. Number one, I'm commanded in the

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Bible to love everyone. And two, the Bible never uses the word love to refer to sex. And three, anytime the

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Bible does refer to sex, it does so in a very unexpected way. With that said, let's turn our gaze to just one

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New Testament passage that says the most about Christ honoring sex. In 1 Corinthians 7, one through five, we read, it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman, but because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

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Now, we need to start by observing that this chapter was not written to give sex tips to couples. It was written on the heels of a lengthy passage where Paul commands everyone to flee sexual immorality.

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And then he starts on this section by referencing a previous letter he wrote to the Corinthians. In that letter, he made the observation that it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.

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No doubt the Corinthians wrote back and want some clarification. Unfortunately, their congregation was a little too obsessed with sex.

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They had even become arrogant over the fact that there was a man in their congregation that was having sex with his stepmom.

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So, Paul has to clarify that abstinence is good. In fact, later in the chapter, he says,

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I wish that all were as I myself am, referring to his being unmarried. And then he proceeds to give reasons why being single can be a great blessing.

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So, amidst his clarification about not touching a woman, Paul concedes that if you're having a difficult time fighting the temptation to sexual immorality, then it's just better to get married.

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Now, the verses that follow continue Paul's thesis concerning sexual immorality and how to flee from it.

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In chapter 6, he lays the foundation for how to escape the temptation. In chapter 7, he says, if the temptation seems too great, get married.

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But then he gets more specific. And if you're married, since we all know that you're still going to face sexual temptation, this is one good way to avoid that temptation.

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And he says, the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.

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For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

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Now, doesn't that just sound romantic, warm, and mushy -gushy? He's referring to sex by talking about rights and authority.

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Of course, before you think I'm downing sex and all that, I'm totally not. But the discussion for today is not about good sex habits.

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If it were, we'd spend more time in this chapter in mind the deep truths. But for now, I just want to make the observation that this passage is anything but romantic.

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So, Paul continues, do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self -control.

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So, if you plan to stop having sex, Paul refers to that as depriving your spouse, and he says that you shouldn't do that unless you have an agreement for a spiritual reason, and he ties it all up by circling back to the theme he had before, how to escape temptation because of your lack of self -control.

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And that's it. The only times the Bible commands sex is for reproduction and to stave off temptation.

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Now, I'm not saying, let me say this again, I'm not saying that sex is bad or low or base or anything like that.

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I'm not saying that God doesn't want us to have sex and enjoy sex. Sex is a fantastic thing. It's beautiful. It was designed by God for a number of very specific and deeply spiritual purposes, including the shared enjoyment of husband and wife.

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Now, it's good for you to know that I wrote this on a snowshoe retreat that I just came back from with the students from Victory Academy.

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I'll tell you the same thing I told them. People need to stop scaring kids away from sex.

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Sex was created by God, and it's a good within a Christ -honoring marriage. It's only when sexuality is experienced outside of marriage that it's a sin.

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Also, it's my personal belief that since there's no marriage or sex in heaven and since God does make a very big deal about marriage here on this earth and sex is an important part of that,

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I can only imagine that an orgasm is a tiny taste of what it'll be like to be in God's presence for all eternity.

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Now, that's not Bible. That's just my own opinion. So, my only point in all this is to help us to realize that love is so much bigger than just mere sex.

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Romance is only a tiny part of the gigantic, multifaceted diamond that is love.

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And like Satan is so wont to do, he's taken one of the smallest parts of the human experience and made it the most important thing in order to distract from what

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God really has for us. So, here's big idea number one. True love is just that.

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It's love. It's everything we spent the past two episodes discussing. Big idea number two.

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Sex is just one way we express our true love in marriage. Sex must not flow from Eros.

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That would be a selfish act. That would be sin. Sex won't flow from Storge and it won't flow from Phileo.

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Sex must be an agape act. Now, when we talk about love, I tell my students at Victor Academy that I love them just as much as I love my own kids.

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And I tell them that I love them just as much as I love my own wife. Now, they have a very difficult time believing that, but once we define love biblically, it makes all the sense in the world.

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I want God's best for each of them to the same degree that I want God's best for the others.

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How terrible would I have to be to not want God's best for one of my students? But within the context of different relationships,

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God's best looks different. It's in God's best interest that I refrain from doing anything sexual with everyone in my life save my wife.

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That's in God's best interest for me and them. That's true love with my students and my kids and my friends and my eight billion strangers.

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But it is in God's best interest for me and my wife that I do have sex with her. That's true love with my wife.

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It has nothing to do with loving my wife more or loving my wife differently. I'm loving my wife and my kids and my students the same way.

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I'm working toward God's greatest good in their best interest. And my friends, this isn't semantics. It's just the way it is.

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Every romantic and sexual gesture between my wife and me should be motivated by true agape love.

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And that shouldn't make it any less romantic. In fact, it should make it more romantic.

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And you know this to be true. Every Christ honoring man and woman out there listening to me today knows this.

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More often than not, you feel the most sexually attracted to your spouse right after they just did something really good.

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Ladies, he changed the baby without being asked. And man, he just looks like this big, sexy man to you.

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Let me give you a personal one. We're at the chiropractor. And when we came out, I noticed that his front sidewalk was covered in snow.

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And I love my chiropractor. So I grabbed the shovel that was there by the front door and I shoveled the walk. I swear, if my kids hadn't been there in the van with us,

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I think my wife would have jumped me right there. You know what I'm talking about. True love produces the most passionate and beautiful sexuality in the whole world.

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It's infinitely better than Eros could produce because it's being enjoyed the way God designed it to be enjoyed.

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Okay, so big idea number one is that true love is simply love, not romance, not sex. Big idea number two is that romance and sexuality is just one way we express our true love to our spouses.

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And here's our last big idea. How can we cultivate the right kind of sexuality and romance with our spouses?

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Well, just two things, really. Number one, your romance must be agape and not

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Eros. It must be completely selfless. Guys, she has authority over your body. Ladies, he has authority over your body.

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It has nothing to do with you not being in the mood. Quote, unquote, not being in the mood is just code for I'm a selfish pig and refuse to lovingly sacrifice for you right now.

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Just like everything else in love, it's not about you. And that goes for the other side too. If you notice your spouse is not feeling well, exhausted, out of sorts, whatever, don't selfishly throw yourself on them.

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Be loving. It shouldn't be a situation where the one in the mood is always having to ask. It should be where the other one is lovingly offering.

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And number two, your romance must be motivated by the glory of God. Whether you eat or drink or have sex with your spouse, do all to the glory of God.

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Your romance won't be an outflow of true love unless it's selfless. And like we've seen in previous episodes, true agape love is grounded in God's glory.

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Now, again, I feel like I'm seeing some rolling eyes. For some reason, people think that having sex to the glory of God strips the sex of its fun or enjoyment.

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Yeah, you know, let's be honest. I can see that if it's sinful sex. It's just like anything else we do for God.

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Unsaved people who love darkness rather than light because their deeds are evil don't like living for God. But if you claim to be a

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Christian, don't let yourself think that sex to the glory of God is somehow subpar. That's impossible. There's nothing grander, more awesome, or more enjoyable than living for God.

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And that needs to apply to our sex as well. If we stop there, just with those two observations, if you're able to live those out, let me promise you five things.

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Number one, both you and your spouse would love your sex. Number two, your sex would be everything it needs to be and nothing it shouldn't be.

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Three, you would have just the right amount of sex at just the right times. Four, if you were tempted to sexual immorality, your

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Christ -honoring sex life at home would be a massive deterrent and help you escape that temptation. And five, your marriage would survive.

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Now, wait, Aaron, that's a pretty big claim. Really? Do you think the two of you will only exercise

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Christ -honoring love in bed and nowhere else in your relationship? Humans and dogs have a lot in common.

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Experienced dog trainers have said that if you can control a dog in its eating and reproducing, you can control the dog at any other time.

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To have a dog submit to you instead of submitting to its two strongest natural desires is amazing. And the same is true with humans.

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If we could actually glorify God in our eating, drinking, and sex, we'd be doing it during every other area of our lives as well.

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So back to my claim, if you and your spouse could work so that your romance is simply an outworking of your own true biblical love for each other, your marriage will survive.

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And it really won't have anything to do with the sex. It'll have to do with the fact that you actually love each other. All right. In conclusion,

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I want to make a final observation about romance outside of marriage. Please stop encouraging romance among children.

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They shouldn't be thinking romantically. Should they be loving each other? Yes, but they don't need to be thinking about hugging and kissing and holding hands and cuddling and the

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Eros fake plastic heart -shaped quote -unquote love Satan's trying to use to seduce your children into idolatry.

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But Aaron, at some point, they're going to have to get married and romance will be important. No, it won't.

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Now, these are my closing thoughts. Though I'll explain myself, it will be brief. So I encourage you to listen to episode 30,

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Teens and Dating, what God has to say about their crush for a deeper understanding of these principles.

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Here's my point, five things. Number one, the modern concept of romance is entirely sexual.

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You can't get around it. Don't try to deny it. Number two, God wants your children to grow in true love.

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Okay, true agape love. Number three, sexuality is only allowed within the concept of a marriage relationship.

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Your kids aren't married. Number four, once married, do you honestly think your kids are going to struggle with romance and sexuality side of things if they are people who have truly learned to love

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God and others the way they should? And number five, by encouraging them in our sexually oriented cultural understanding of romance, you're encouraging them to build their relationship off a small part of what it means to love someone, something they're not even allowed to be engaging in if they're not married.

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The Bible has very little to say about Christ honoring sexuality because when it's inspired by God, it will work every time.

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But the Bible has a lot to say about sinful sexuality because it's a huge temptation. Jesus said that even lusting after someone is akin to committing adultery with them.

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Encourage your children to do what's in God's best interest for everyone. And once they're old enough, encourage them to do what's in the best interest of the individual in whom they're interested, aka the person they believe may make a

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Christ -honoring spouse. Within that context, giving flowers may be in God's best interest for that person.

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A long walk by the ocean may be as too, but so will abstaining from sexual immorality of every kind.

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If your kids have to sexually engage with someone in Eros in order to woo them into marriage, do you really think the relationship will be built on true love?

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Again, episode 30, teens and dating, what God has to say about their crush, deals with the biblical data on this subject in much greater detail.

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Please listen to the episode, especially if your kids are at the quote -unquote dating age. I know this may not be the type of episode that you'd usually share on social media, but no doubt sex struggles are affecting nearly every couple you know.

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And the concepts on which we talk today will address nearly every general sex -related issue in a marriage.

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So with that said, you may want to share it anyway. And speaking of social media, you should follow and like us on Facebook and Twitter.

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You really should. We're very active on those platforms. We're also on Instagram, Pinterest, and YouTube, but we're waiting to invest in those platforms until Team TLP grows a little bit more.

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So if you love Pinterest and Instagram and would be interested in seeing what it would be like to join

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Team TLP, you can click on the community tab at truthloveparent .com. Click on the join

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Team TLP and find out. And as always, I've worked up some episode notes that may be helpful for you.

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You can find them linked below on our blog, Taking Back the Family. Now, the title of our next episode is

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Hosea Parenting, What to Do When Your Kids Break Your Heart. Who was Hosea and how can his relationship with his adulterous wife inform your parenting?

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Well, I hope you'll join us next time to find out. Also, I want to give a massive thank you to my wife,

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Johanna. She's one of TLP's patrons. She totally believes in what we're doing.

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And even though she's a part of Team TLP herself, she's also a financial supporter. Wait, Aaron, I thought husbands and wives should have a joint bank account.

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Well, I agree with that, but my wife does own a business and she specifically wanted to divert a portion of her income into Truth Love Parent because she loves the

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Lord, loves families, and I'm pretty sure she loves me too. If you, like Johanna, love

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TLP and would like to support us, please click the Five Ways to Support TLP link in the description below. And I'm sure if no one else does, my wife will get a kick out of me choosing this episode in which to thank her for her support.

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And if this episode leaves you wondering how this might work within your unique marriage situation, please contact us at counselor at truthloveparent .com.

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Yes, God cares about our sex lives too. And yes, it can be better than you thought was possible, but as always, it has to be done to the glory of God.

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And that requires a lot of love. See you next time. Truth.

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Love. Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's word for the truth your family needs today.