4. Courageous & Biblical Parenting: 2024 Marriage Conference Session Four

Gospel Presence as the Main Thing in Parenting

There we go. All right in this final session. We're gonna talk about parenting. Parenting together husbands and wives together. And we say parenting, but this is always a point. I like to make is there is no such thing as generic parenting.

There's fathering and mothering. Okay, and they're not so kids get different things from fathers and mothers. Fathers and mothers are both Necessary and valuable. There's no generic category of parents, so we can talk about parenting, but we need to always in our minds be going.

This there's fathering and there's mothering so even when moms and dads are doing the same activities. Playing with the kids disciplining the kids helping with homework. You're doing so as a mom or a dad and that whatever Similarities there is it's always sort of colored or Spun by the fact that mom or dad is doing it.

We're men and we're women so we need we want to keep that in mind. Kind of initially let me give you kind of two Metaphors. I've alluded to one of these already. But I wanted to kind of just have you have a little vision these helped me.

To have a vision of that's that's an image that God has given us to help understand our homes. So if marriages if a family is a home Jesus is the foundation. Christ is the foundation. Dad is the walls that protect the house walls in the roof that keep keep the the rain out.

Mom is the warmth within the house. She makes the house into a home and then the kids are the residents they live in the house. Okay, so Jesus is the foundation dad's the walls and this is in general how it works men tend to Form things build structures and then women fill them.

And men form and women fill now. There's ways in which men Fill and there's ways in which women form it's not an all-or-nothing. But there's a there's a truth there about forming and filling and the way that men and women operate.

Here's the other image is the garden. So again Christ is the Sun. That shines he's the living water that waters the garden. Okay, that's Christ. Dad's the gardener. Mom is the garden the earth and children are the fruit.

Okay, so that's that's those are two images that you can just have and and they can help check. You know, am I doing my faith? Am I faithfully being the earth mom? Am I faithfully being the warmth within the house?

Women. I was at a conference recently and one of the speakers said women are fire. Women are fire. Okay, and that in Controlled that's great. It's a blessing. It's warmth in a fireplace. It turns a cold room into a warm room out of control right the house is burning down.

Okay, so. So that those are the two images marriage is a home. Marriage is a garden. Keep those in mind as we get to the practicals here. And then I've got one kind of main point one big point about parenting.

And then I'm gonna apply that in about five different ways. What does it look like on the ground in the corners? Okay, here's the main point. Okay, and I stressed the one point. I was telling somebody at lunch.

My approach to the Christian life in general is if you get the main thing, right? You can get some little things wrong okay, do you the main thing right. God's gracious. God's God's gracious and The the little all sorts of things you might not get right.

I'm guessing that some of you maybe didn't grow up in Christian families. I didn't grow up in Christian homes. And so you're figuring it out as you go and you're making all kinds of mistakes. Okay, that's okay.

God's gracious. God's gracious. But if you get the main thing, right, you can make those mistakes if you get the main thing wrong. It doesn't matter how many little things you get, right? Okay, it doesn't matter how many things you're buttoned up on in the details if the main thing is wrong.

So what's the main thing? What's the one thing? Okay. Here's the here's a parenting is Fundamentally about gospel presence with your family. Gospel presence with your family. So I've been using that word presence in almost all of these talks as a core Concept that we really want to reflect on.

So what do I mean by gospel presence here to gospel? This is the good news that as sinners we are embraced and accepted by God because of what Jesus has done for us. That's the good news. Okay, Jesus lives a life that we couldn't live.

He died the death that we should have died. God raised him from the dead. Triumphed over sin and death outside of Jesus. There is no hope in Jesus. We have a living hope. That's the gospel. What do I mean by presence?

Presence is there's a way of being.

An.

Orientation to life. A Fundamental attitude that sort of colors everything that you say and do comes out of the core of who you are. It's the way you carry yourself. It's the impression that you give.

That's what I mean by presence. And I'm saying gospel presence is the main thing is the one thing. That's where we want to focus. So if you have a Bible you want to turn to Colossians chapter 3. I'm gonna unpack gospel presence from Colossians chapter 3.

Okay, this is a way of kind of getting this this this idea and then praying that God works it in your heart. Gospel presence. Where do we begin. Gospel presence begins with setting your mind on Christ?

So in Colossians 3 verse 1 set your mind on things that above not on things below. Set your mind. Set your affection. Orient your life by Christ. He's the Sun. Everything in your life orbits around.

Him.

So if then you've been raised with Christ seek the things that are above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above not on things that are in the earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God when Christ who is your life appears You also will appear with him in Glory, so we set our gospel presence.

We set our mind on Christ. He's our life. He's our hope. He's glory. That's where we look to. Okay. That's number one. Number two. Gospel presence puts on the new man. And the new man is Christ it's the new self so this is verses 9 and 10.

Do not lie to one another. Seeing that you've put off the old man with his deeds and you've put on the new man Who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of him who created him? Okay, so there's an old man.

That's Adam looking at that earlier this morning. Adam. Passivity idolatry blame-shifting and now we're putting off that. It's clothing see the clothing imagery. Put off put on put off put on. So we take off one set of clothes.

We take Adam off and we put Jesus on.

Okay.

So Adam rebelled against God. Christ trusted obeyed and imaged God and so gospel presence means that every day you're going I'm gonna put on Jesus. I'm gonna wear him like a cloak and notice that here there are Practices or deeds that come out of that presence.

So it says you put off the old man with his deeds with his practices. So there's practices that come out of the presence both directions there's actions that flow from being in the old man and there's actions that flow from being in the new man and you can't do The practice if you don't have the presence.

You can't do the practices if you've not put on the robe. That's second. So first set our mind on Christ. Second put on the new man put on Christ. Third Gospel presence means that you are fundamentally defined by God's love for you in the gospel.

So this is verse 12. Again, notice the clothing imagery. Therefore as the elect of God holy and beloved put on tender mercies kindness humility meekness patience. Okay, so you hear that as the elect of God holy and beloved clothe yourself with these virtues.

Here's all of these qualities that you want to have. Okay? But how can you put them on? Well, you need to know that you are God's elect God's chosen ones. You're holy and beloved the you these characteristics are yours because you know that you are holy and beloved by God.

He defines you. In in 1st Corinthians 15 verse 10 Paul says by the grace of God. I am what I am. Okay, so you think about that God God's name remember in the Old Testament I am that I am. God just is who he is.

Well, who are you you are who you are by the grace of God? It's the grace of God that defines you. It's the grace of God That makes you who and what you are and so his love his grace is what defines us and you know it in your bones and That that gives you a kind of gospel presence.

That was third number four Gospel presence means that you are ruled by the peace of Christ a verse 15. There let the peace of God rule in your hearts to which you were called in one body. So this is related to that idea from last session about sober minded courage.

You're firm. You're stable. You're steadfast. You're unshaken. You're not tossed to and fro. When storms come you're planted on a rock when chaos erupts it doesn't it may erupt out there. But God's peace in reigns in your heart.

There's a stability and security that marks you and why why? Because it's the peace of Christ. Because you're defined by the grace of God the love of God. You're fixing your eyes on him. You're clothed with him.

Therefore his peace reigns in your life. Number five Gospel presence means that the Word of Christ dwells in you richly verse 16.

Let the.

Let the Word of God dwell in you richly in all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another in Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs. Singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. So not just that you read your Bible, but that there is a richness to your reading of the Bible.

There's a fullness to the word in your life. It's not a dead letter. But it's richly. It's like fertilizer, right? This is a garden the garden metaphor, right? It's what's making the the the plants full and vibrant and alive because it's a richness to that soil.

One of the things when you when you encounter gospel presence. The goal is that there's a felt sense. Here's a person who's been with God. This is a person that has met with God. This is a person who's planted on the rock of Christ, okay that's gospel presence.

The word dwells richly when when when you speak the word there's a Liveliness to it because it's not just empty words. It's not just on a page, but it's you've digested it. You've eaten the book, right?

Think of it that way, right? You've eaten it and now it's a part of you. It's it's made you who and what you are finally last thing six gospel presence. Gospel presence means all of your practices are done in the name of the Lord Jesus.

This is verse 17. Whatever you do in word or deed, so there's the practices. Do all in the name of the Lord Jesus giving thanks to God the Father Through him so your actions bear his name. Your actions your words bear his name.

They they testify to him point to him draw attention to him. He's your clothes with him his grace to find you. You're looking at you're seeking him and therefore your actions bear his name. People look at your actions and they go that's a Christian.

That bears the name of Christ. This is partly what's going on when the we talk about the third commandment. Taking the Lord's name in vain. Like is that about cursing? Sure. Okay, that's one way using the name of Lord vain.

Sure, that's one application. But but you could never curse you could you should you could never use the Lord's name in vain. And still bear the Lord's name in vain by your actions. Because you're doing things in his name that don't reflect who he is.

So.

Let me try to drill into this. Okay. If parenting is fundamentally about gospel presence with your family. Then you ought to think of your parenting fundamentally as setting a tempo or setting a tune.

Use that musical imagery again. Okay, if you want your family to make music like I said the other day Jesus is the tune and Dad should set the beat and lay down the bass line and mom should pick up that beat and add the harmony and now the kids can sing.

Now the kids can sing they can sing along because they've got a solid bass line and they've got beautiful harmony and Jesus is the Music but it's about setting that tempo. It's not just about you know.

So if you think of it as giving orders and issuing directives and laying down rules like all of those are involved. But this has to be. First it's about you want your kids to keep in step with you. Right, so you're obeying God and then you're inviting them calling them to obey God with you.

It's not that you're trying to get them to obey God while you yourself will come back to that you yourself are disobeying in all Kinds of ways or change change the image and then we'll get practical. You should think of your parenting you husbands you should think of this in your marriage.

Mom and dad you should think of this in terms of parenting is you're trying to cultivate a certain kind of atmosphere in your home. It's atmosphere management. You want your children to breathe life and joy and peace and gladness in the air.

Because you're pumping high-quality gospel oxygen into your home.

And.

In this in the metaphor here, right? The way that you breathe out life and joy and peace and gratitude in your home is you have to breathe in gospel. You've got it stand in grace inhale grace plant it on grace and now you can breathe it out.

Now you can bring it into your home. So that's the that's the main thing. That's the big thing now. What does this look like on the ground? What does it look like in practice? So to do this in Colossians verse chapter 3 verse 21 We're told fathers do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged.

Don't provoke your children. Okay in Ephesians There's a parallel passage that says fathers don't provoke your children to anger. But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. So the idea here is don't.

Provoke.

In bitter exasperate aggravate your kids. Lest they become discouraged sullen sulky faint-hearted listless. And I've got five ways that I want to push this into the corners and The statement they're all structured the same.

So parenting with gospel presence means.

Okay.

Don't embitter your children by and then I'm gonna fill in that blank. But instead and then I'm gonna fill in that blank. Does that make sense? So parenting with gospel presence. That's the big thing.

That means we're not gonna embitter or exasperate our kids by Doing this instead. We're gonna do that. So do this not that. Oh, it's actually don't do this do this. Okay, that's that's the order. Okay, so Number one don't embitter your children by bearing the burden of their salvation instead parent out of the promises of God.

So don't bear the burden of their salvations. You can't save your kids. Okay, you can't change their hearts. You can't cause the new birth. You can't do it. You you are not in that position. Only God can save your kids.

Only God can change the heart. Okay, so that's the one set don't you can't bear the burden of their salvation directly. But instead we need to realize it's also not a crapshoot. Okay, God has given us promises and he's made promises to Christians even about their kids.

And I so I know I'm in a Baptist Church, and I know I'm not a Baptist anymore. So I'm mindful of that. This isn't about baptism pedo-baptism. This is about parenting. This is about the promises that God has given.

So I'm gonna read you a couple of passages and I'll just tell you right now. It really does matter if when you're faced with things in the lives of your kids. Do you run to these promises and say I believe you Lord now help me to live that out?

In relation to my kids. It does matter that you go to the promises. So Jeremiah 32 38 through 40. This is my wife and I chose this kind of is our marriage passage when we were first marriage married and.

And it's been really helpful for me to come back to it again and again as a prayer. So here it is Jeremiah 32 it's a new covenant promise and they shall be my people and I will be their God. I Will give them one heart and one way that they may fear me forever.

For their own good and the good of their children after them, that's what I'm underlining. Okay, so God's made new covenant promises. I will make with them an everlasting covenant. I will not turn away from doing good to them.

I will put the fear of me in their hearts that they may not turn from me and I will rejoice in doing good to them and I will plant them in the land and faithfulness with all my heart and all my soul and The thing that I want to stress there is there's God saying all my heart all my soul is Directed towards doing good to you and you get both sides of that coin notice.

He says I will put the fear of me in you. God alone can put the fear of God in your heart you don't have that power to do that for anybody but God can and he says he will and Then notice that he says that they may fear me forever for their own good and the good of their children after them.

So when I've come to God as a Christian and I say Lord, give me one heart. Give me one way husband wife. Give us one way that we may fear you for our good and the good of our kids. I'm trusting you Lord for our good and the good of our kids.

Help me to parent out of that promise. Here's another one Isaiah 59 verses 20 and 21. Again, this is about new covenant because it says a Redeemer will come to Zion. That's Christ to those in Jacob who turn from their transgressions and As for me, this is my covenant with them says the Lord my spirit that is upon you my words that I have put in your mouth shall not depart out of your mouth or Out of the mouth of your offspring or out of the mouth of your children's offspring from this time forth and forevermore.

So the Redeemer will come there's just Christ coming making a covenant. I'm putting my spirit in your mouth and It won't depart out of your mouth or their mouth or their kids mouths. That's the promise now all of God's promises.

They don't they don't run automatically. Okay, it's not like it doesn't just run on its own. All of God's promises have to be grasped by faith. So when we parent out of the promises, it's the difference between parenting out of fear or out of faith.

When you make yourself when you place the burden of your kids salvation on your shoulders, you will parent out of fear. Every little thing that they do every sin that shows up will be a cause of anxiety.

Okay, this is especially true moms. Okay. I know this this is especially true for you. This is a deep temptation we talk about fearing anything that's frightening you look at five-year-old sin and You see twenty five-year-old blow up and it terrifies you.

All right, if that little sinner with that little tantrum. Stays like that. What's it gonna look like at 25 and You can begin to be agitated. What do I got to do? What do I got to do? What do I got to do and it's like at that moment you and husbands.

This is where you come and help is to say no, let's go back to the promise. God's made promise. He's put the fear of God in our hearts hasn't he he has okay. And he says he's done that for who's good for our good and for who else is good.

They're good. So we're gonna fear the Lord. We're gonna trust the Lord and now out of that. What has he done? Yes, there's there's sin here. There's five-year-old sin. Just making a big mess on my floor.

What has God done to address this? He put you there. He put Christian parents right there ready to deal with it. So it's not like God is absent. Oh, no, there's sin. What's God gonna do? He gave you to them.

But he gave the faithful you to them. The one who's trusting him the one whose spirit is upon you and whose word is coming out. Like he gave that version said I want that version that gospel you that gospel.

You needs to address this not the fearful terrified panicky you that's just gonna I'll come back to this. That's just gonna make things worse. So this is fundamentally out of about this mindset or orientation.

It's a faith in God's promises that enables you to do this. Here's the here's the banner that runs over when I talk about parenting when I when we established the church that we I was a pastor at in Minnesota for for eight years.

The banner that ran over our family ministry was this be the smile of God to your children. Okay, be the smile of God to your children and where we got it Was from the baptism of Jesus. So you remember the baptism of Jesus?

Okay, Jesus goes into the John baptizes him to fulfill all righteousness. Jesus comes up out of the water. The Spirit descends like a dove and a voice from heaven says this is my beloved Son. With whom I am well pleased and this is this is a window into the heart of God.

Right father son, Holy Spirit. There's Trinity here, right? Reflecting who ultimate reality is like right there. Okay, and what do we see at the heart of ultimate reality fatherly delight fatherly joy fatherly pleasure.

Okay, and then we know is in the gospel. This is gospel presence. God says that about his Son Christ and He says that about all those who are in his Son. God looks at you and me in light of Jesus and says I'm well pleased with you.

I'm a sinner. I know. But you're in my Son you're united to my Son. You're you're you've trusted in my Son and therefore you are my beloved Son. You are my beloved daughter with whom I am well pleased that right there is the dominant note in the parental symphony.

Fatherly joy motherly delight. So be the smile of God to your children communicate to them. What he is like my kids were little I thought about this a lot that like ran on like on a tape in the back Of my head whenever I would have tickle fights with my kids.

Okay, it's like I'd throw my three boys. I'd throw them on the bed and we would just you know. Go to town. It's like what's happening here? And it's like I am communicating ultimate reality to them. Fatherly joy fatherly delight fatherly pleasure all right here mothers.

You can do it in your own way. There's other ways moms can do it. But communicating that is the fundamental thing and you can't do that if you're parenting out of fear. You must parent out of faith in the promises of God.

So that's number one gospel presence means you don't embitter your children by bearing the burden of their salvation. Instead you parent out of the promises number two. You don't embitter your children by keeping them permanently dependent on you.

Instead you bring them up in the discipline discipline and instruction of the Lord. So some parents Want their children to remain permanently dependent on them. They don't want them to grow up. Oftentimes it's because they have a deep need to be needed.

Moms tend to fall in that way or a threat of being surpassed dads tend to fall into that. Talk about these two different temptations, okay?

And.

Parents in this boat will sacrifice the growth of their children in maturity on the altar of their own needs. I need to be needed and I don't want you to surpass me. And so I'm gonna keep you down keep you dependent and make sure I assert myself over you.

Okay, because the fear is if I let my kids grow up, then they won't need me anymore. I'll lose them. Okay, but if you here's the deal, this is the way God designed the world if you let them grow up if you raise them up.

You will lose them as children. Okay, but in God's world, right? Faithful death always leads to resurrection. So you lose them as kids and you get them back as peers. Okay as friends as mature adults who stand shoulder-to-shoulder shoulder with you in this great mission.

Okay, so they have to die as kids in order to get there if you keep them as kids. They can't stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you because you're standing on their shoulders holding them down. Instead you want to raise them up so that actually they stand on your shoulders.

They surpass you. Um, let me say this to moms and dads so dads the temptation for dads I think in this area is to stunt the growth and maturity of our kids, particularly our sons, but sometimes our daughters as well.

So that they never surpass us in anything. We're always bigger always stronger always smarter always wiser than them their growth is a threat to us and. So we embitter them because we keep them under our thumb.

Rather than longing for them to stand on our shoulders so that they surpass us in every way. And I just want to commend to you a vision that says I want Mike so I think about this. I didn't my I grew up in a nominal Christian home.

Okay, my parents my dad probably didn't become a Christian at all until I was about 12. My mom became a serious Christian at that time. So I did not grow up in a in a solid Christian home my goal. So there's lots of things about parenting and family life that are new to me.

I've had to learn them sort of. From others right. I had to find other fathers and mothers to help figure some stuff out because my parents didn't know. My goal though is that there are things that are hard for me that will be easier for my kids.

We're not gonna get it all done in a generation, but it's like we've like we think about this my Wife when I think about this her parents her dad became a Christian. When her older brother was born. So in the mid 30s.

And it was like at that point every you look work back. And there wasn't a lot of Christian wasn't any Christian on his side on his mom's side. There was some nominalist Christian sort of stuff on her mom's side and so all of a sudden I was like God started he did some new work changed some hearts brought people to faith.

And then now it's like we're looking at generational progress.

So.

They did some good. We're grateful for it. We're gonna receive it and we're gonna make good on it. We're gonna carry it forward so that now things that are hard for us will be easier for our kids and things that are.

Then there will be still some stuff that's hard for them. And it will be easier for our grandkids and so on and so forth that make sense. But in order to do that you can't view your kids surpassing you as a problem.

You have to view that as success. Otherwise you're in the position of the acorn looking at an oak tree and going oh. Right. Like it would be dumb for an acorn to look at a full-grown oak and go no this is bad.

I wanted you to stay another little acorn like me. No you want the eight you want your acorns to grow up. Mom's here's how that temptation work for you. You'll try to avoid all of the breaches and separations of motherhood.

Okay, this is one way men and women are different. Motherhood in many ways is a repeated pattern of encircling and separation. If you just think about this okay, so a mother's body is literally a baby's home.

Okay, right like like she's the sort of women are the sort of people that people come out of. Okay, okay, a woman's body is a home. It's a place. Okay, and then after nine months the baby makes a jailbreak.

Okay, just breaks out. Okay, and the baby breaks out and this is painful right postpartum depression things like that. Okay, what does a mother immediately do after the baby has broken out of the womb.

Answer she encircles. She wraps it up now. She's got here now. We're now we're in we're nursing. We're doing all of the little the little times and with infants right and newborns. Okay, and then that baby grows up and now all of a sudden it's not here.

You've got a little toddler and so what does the mom do. She encircles she gets those little baby gates right she gets Outlet covers to make sure they can't stick their fingers. She puts stuff on the corners of coffee tables so that they can't bang their heads.

What is she doing? She's encircling again. Okay, and then they grow up and it's time. It's that another five or six years old and they're heading off to school. And I remember vividly this moment when our oldest was going off to kindergarten I think and we were dropping him off at school my wife and I and our mentalities were Fundamentally different because I as a dad was going good luck at boot camp son.

Right, I was sending him off to get trained and she was like get back in my belly right she was like. It was a breakout.

Okay.

My wife was I. I was sending him off to war. I was sending him off to get ready and for her it was like he's being torn away. Okay, that's motherhood. It's a it's a pattern of Encircling and breaches.

The temptation for moms is to hinder that is to reinforce those walls. Like God intended that pattern to play out again and again and again. The tendency for moms is to try to reinforce those walls with steel.

Okay, and it won't work. It won't work. So Don't embitter your kids by trying to keep them permanently dependent upon you instead bring them up in the discipline instruction Lord. Let them grow up to surpass you.

Third. Don't embitter your kids by taking things personally. Instead stay sober minded. So now we're gonna work that truth, which we've talked about into the corners of parenthood. Okay, we've talked about paying attention to your reactions and your passions.

This is the one of the blessings of God for your sanctification as parents is that God is going to give you a workout. When it comes to your passions, okay. Know when you're getting your dander up at your kids you ever have you okay?

Here's the deal. You're never allowed to have it up to here. When you find yourself doing that, right? I've had it up to here what that means is you were letting your sin go and their sin go when it was down here.

You decided I'm not gonna address it down here. I'm gonna wait till it builds and builds and builds and I blow up. I've had it up to here if you're out of sorts. This is a fundamental parenting principle.

Galatians 6 1 says if anyone is caught in a transgression. Let you who are spiritual restore such a one in the spirit of gentleness, but beware lest you yourself be tempted. So the idea is is that if you're gonna if someone's in a sin and you're gonna correct them.

You've got to be in the right place. You've got to be what it called like filled with the Holy Spirit, right? You got to be spiritual and if you're not you're not qualified. Okay, the first place you will apply that is in your parenting.

Oftentimes as parents we see sin in our kids and we're correct. It is a little bundle of sin just running around right there. Okay, but you are not spiritual. You're trying to correct something and you yourself are not in a position to offer that correction and therefore it goes bad.

So if you're frustrated. When your kid is throwing a tantrum or being selfish and you want to show them your passion kid. Your passions are leading you astray. But you're doing so while your passions are running you.

So he so here's the deal and this is this is a fundamental principle of parenting your kids. Will in that in that moment if you're doing that your kids will not hear what you're saying. They will imitate what you're doing.

They will not hear what you're saying. You're saying true things. You need to honor your parents. You need to honor your mother. Okay, you need to love your brother. You need to not hit your sibling, right?

You're saying all true things. They will not hear what you're saying instead. They will imitate what you're doing and what you're doing is letting your passions run you and so the actual thing they're learning is.