Should A Husband Help His Lazy Wife Do The Dishes?

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The Christian View of Salvation and Judgment

Welcome to Bible Bash, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to ask. We're your hosts Harrison Kerrig and Pastor Tim Mullett, and today we'll seek to answer the age-old question, should a husband help his lazy wife do the dishes?

Now I know right off the bat that this is going to be one of those questions that I'm sure there's probably a handful of people that are just ripping their hair out when they hear a question like that asked, and really I'm not so sure that it should be as offensive as some people might make it out to be, because I think in our society, we're all used to interacting with lazy people in one way or another, whether it's our job, or maybe friends that we have, or family members, and yet it kind of seems like for whatever reason, when it comes to talking about wives, that's like totally off limits.

You can never really say something like that. Husbands, I think it's like... It's easy, it rolls off the tongue. Yeah, it just rolls off the tongue. I mean like every sitcom ever is predicated on like a lazy husband, like the idiot husband who can't ever get anything right, but then when it comes to women, you're just simply not allowed to say these things, and not only are you not allowed to say these things, the question is kind of presupposing something that really our society is like rebelling against, right?

And that idea is that women should even be the ones doing the dishes in the first place. Who's to say it shouldn't be the man taking care of the dishes in the house? I mean, women got to work too, right?

So Tim, before we get to that title question, talking about what should a husband do if his wife isn't taking care of the dishes, I wanted to just start by asking, why are we coming to the conclusion, why are we assuming that women are even supposed to be the one to do the dishes in the first place?

Where are we getting that from?

Husband and Wife Roles in the Home

Yeah, I mean you might as well say that women should be the one making the sandwiches. You hateful bigot, you. No, it's essentially, yeah, it is a question that by and large you're not really allowed to ask, the question should a husband help his lazy wife do the dishes?

I mean, the obvious implied answer is yes, of course he should do it. Not only should he do it, should he excel at it, right? But then even more than that, what is offensive is the idea that there are husband and wife roles and that those roles might include anything that might be considered domestic.

So that's kind of the problem. So one of the things that's happened is that as a result of feminism, there's a lot of people who basically think that they're complementarian, so to speak. So like the complementarian movement has taken off in evangelicalism and it is the standard state of affairs.

But then one of the things that's happened is that complementarianism has kind of become basically co-opted by a lot of feminist kind of assumptions. And so there really isn't much difference between your complementarians and your garden variety feminists at this point, for the most part.

So one of the things that has gone is the notion that there are actually husband and wife roles. So when you think about husband and wife roles, there's a lot of people who might call themselves complementarians, but then they believe that essentially the only role that there might be is that the husband in some sense is a leader.

And then there's a lot of caveats to that, so provided that he is leading in a way that his wife approves of. Right, right.

Leading like Christ, meaning totally submitting to the will of the wife at every turn.

What woman wouldn't want to follow a husband who loves her like Christ, loves the church, and gave himself up for her? So then essentially if there is any failure at the level of submission, it's all the guy's fault anyways.

The idea though is that for many complementarians, they've accepted the idea that the husband should be a leader and the wife should in some sense submit, provided that the husband's not asking her to do anything that she doesn't like or approve of or ask her permission first before telling her to do things.

There you go adding all those caveats.

But basically on paper they agree that the husband is a leader and the wife is a follower. In execution, for most, it doesn't really work itself out that way very much. But on paper they agree at that point.

But then basically the problem is that beyond that, any notion of male-female roles is just totally out the door. And so they basically have chucked every single role. So marriage is essentially just an opposite-sex bestie relationship of two equal partners, one of which may once in 10 years have to make a tie-breaking vote kind of thing.

But then for the most part we don't have any roles that we understand. And so you think about male-female roles, it's just a subject that has lost any content and there really isn't any such thing as male-female roles anymore.

And then one of those male-female roles is the idea of a woman being a homemaker or being domestic and that actually having content to it. And so part of it is that we've lost the idea that there are such a thing as male-female roles and then that's why it becomes offensive.

So rephrase the question you're asking.

I was just asking where are we getting this idea that women are supposed to be the ones doing the dishes in the first place?

Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 on Domestic Responsibility

Yeah, that would be a role that would be located in the women. Yeah, I think you can look to Proverbs 31 or Titus 2 -4 and there's a lot of things that are being said in Proverbs 31. It might be helpful just to kind of read it.

I know that this is a passage that most women hate. They hate the Mother's Day sermons where they're going to read Proverbs 31 and all be shamed at this monstrously unrealistic picture of a woman and all that.

But Proverbs 31 -10 says, An excellent wife who can find it, she is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her and she will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not harm all the days of her life.

She seeks wool and flax and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchants. She brings her food from afar. So notice she brings her food from afar. She's like a merchant ship. Notice how many times it talks about food and things like that.

It is a woman's job to make the sandwiches. It's right there. She's like the ships of a merchant. She brings her food from afar. Notice verse 15. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens and guests.

You've just reduced a woman to a cook. But she rises while it is yet night to provide food for her household. She considers a field. She buys it with the fruit of her hand. She plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.

She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the distaff and her hands hold the spindle. So notice food and clothing kind of responsibilities.

She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. She's not afraid of snow for her household. For all her household is clothed in scarlet. She makes bed coverings for herself. Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates. When he sits among the elders of the land, she makes linen garments and sells them. She delivers sashes to the merchants. Strength and dignity are her clothing. She laughs at the time to come.

She opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Notice verse 27. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children will rise up, call her blessed.

Her husband also, he praises her. Many women have done exceedingly, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful. Beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised. Give her the fruit of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates.

So notice all that is very domestic. It's a very domestic kind of life. It's the kind of thing, when you think about it, it's like this woman in Proverbs 31, the excellent wife, is doing far more than the standard homemaker in America today.

It's not even comparable. It's a joke. Meaning, like this woman is, not only is she looking to the ways of her household and her lamp does not go out at night, not only is she working with one hand, not only is she taking care of the domestic stuff, she's doing much more than that.

And most young women today aren't even able to take care of the basics. And I would consider laundry and dishes just to be the basics. But then Titus 2 .4 basically says something very similar. It's kind of a shorter summary of that.

Titus 2 .4 says the older women are to train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

That working at home phrase, many translate it as keepers at home or being domestic, essentially. But it's basically a compound word. It's the word for house, which is oikos, and then the word for work, which is ergos.

And so you put it together and you get oikugus, or something like that. But it's essentially pertaining to carrying out household responsibilities, busy at home, carrying out household duties of women.

It's basically just a word that means domestic. The domestic duties are somewhat obvious, cooking and cleaning and laundry and dishes. That's just bare minimum stuff. Part of the thing is that's just the basics, like doing the laundry, doing the dishes.

That's not even talking about deep cleaning and that kind of stuff. That's just vacuum, dishes, laundry. If you're doing that, you've basically done the bare minimum. Don't expect to be patted on the back kind of thing.

And particularly when you're living in a time like now where it's easy as it ever has been to do the big three. Well, I would say the four. Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry. That's just scraping the bottom of the barrel, so to speak.

Like the bare minimum, basically. Yeah. If there's anything that it means to be a keeper at home, it means cooking and cleaning and doing the dishes and doing the laundry. That's just very naturally coming from passages like Proverbs 31 and Titus 2.

Yeah, and I guess I don't know if I'm kind of getting ahead of the conversation here, but just hearing Proverbs 31, one of the things that I was at least picking up on, but I think probably most people would probably hear when someone's reading that chapter is there's a lot of getting up early and preparing food.

The lamp does not go out at night. Yeah, like implying that the wife is working long hours.

She's a hard worker and she's girded her arms with strength. She's not just perpetually weak and unable to do anything and take care of the basics. She's a hard worker. She's the first to get up and the last to go to bed.

That's the Proverbs 31 woman.

Right, and it makes sense. Why? Because there's no Old Navy to go buy your clothes from. There's no McDonald's to go get breakfast or dinner or lunch or whatever. No vacuum cleaners, no dishwashers, no washing machines.

You've got to go down to the river and wash all the clothes by hand.

Not get eaten by a crocodile in the process.

Yeah, fend off the wild animals in the process. Then you're going and you're selling the garments that you've made in the town square.

Not only are you making garments for your family, you're making more than enough that you can actually sell them.

Right, and it's not just make the bare minimum in terms of quality. They were talking about making sheets of fine purple and stuff, which would have been the luxury color, basically. It is actually a really high standard, and honestly, the standard that's set in Proverbs 31, this is pretty shameful to say, but I don't even think most men would satisfy, in terms of just pure work ethic, I don't think they would satisfy the standards that are being set there.

Even a lot of people who do claim to be complementarian, I don't know that they would necessarily meet that standard. So that should tell us something, number one, about society in general, but then number two, definitely about the way that we view women and what they do around the house.

The hard part with this conversation is just the fact that, honestly, there's just going to be so many people who just don't even agree with the simple point that Proverbs 31 is what a wife should actually look like, like someone who works at home.

Yeah, I mean, there's no way to persuade them. They just have a reading comprehension problem, which is more rooted in pride and just a rejection of God's word. And then the way they excuse it is, like, we're men talking about this, so how dare we?

Yeah, we don't have ovaries. How can we talk about what?

But the problem, though, is that it's in the Bible, and Paul talks about it, and Jesus talks about it, so I think we're all right. Yeah, I think we're pretty safe there. Paul instructed the older women, trained the younger women to be domestic, so I think we can say, hey, maybe they should be domestic.

And maybe that means something. Maybe that means something more than just, you know, shuffle off all your domestic responsibilities to your husband.

Right. Now, like I'm saying, I don't think really. Most women, or even most men, honestly, meet that standard in terms of work ethic.

I think a lot of blue-collar guys, like, what's a little bit different is, like, I mean, I've worked some very physically demanding jobs, like, and, you know, the difference there is, I think, the idea, like, the woman's work is never done.

Like, a lot of the domestic stuff is not, like, backbreaking stuff that, in the same way that it's going to require, like, it does require strength, but it doesn't require the kind of strength to, you know, deliver appliance, 400-pound appliances into houses, you know, all day long.

Right. Pouring concrete or something. Yeah, and so a lot of, like, you know, like, you have to think about the nature of the work. So, like, you know, with a lot of, like, man jobs that require man strength and everything else, you can't, you know, you literally can't, like, work.

You know, I've worked jobs that were long hours, you know, very physically intensive, and, like, by the end of it, it's, like, you're done. You know what I mean? Like, you're, like, so, you know, like, I, you know, there's one appliance delivery job where I got up at, you know, four in the morning every day, and I worked sometimes till six at night delivering appliances all day long, and when I was done, I was done, you know?

And there's, and I would say that I worked harder than the Proverbs 31 woman worked. Right. For sure. You know what I mean? Like, for sure. It may not have been as long hours, but then it, like, she wouldn't have been able to do what I did.

Right? Mm-hmm. So, but then, you know, I think a lot of, and that's not like, not every guy is doing that kind of thing, but that's just to try to say that I don't know that, like, it is, it's not as physically demanding of a job, but it does require, you know, a person to be in reasonable shape and to be a good homemaker, you know, and to do a lot.

But not, like, in the kind of shape you need to be in to, like, lift a 400-pound refrigerator, but then I think for the vast majority of men, they are working desk jobs that are a lot easier and lazier and everything else, and so there's, they're not coming home just having spent it all at work with nothing left.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, that's more, probably more what I had in mind, especially, like, younger generations that, yeah, they do get to have more of that, like, desk, the desk, the desk job, you know, type situations where certainly there's a sense in which, like, mentally, you know, it can be pretty exhausting, right, depending on what the job is, but then, you know, I think I just know a lot of people who are roughly my age or younger who, you know, they'll work for a little bit and then play for a really long time, you know.

Yeah, the standard, I mean... Like, it's extremely disproportionate.

Yeah, the standard, you know, American is spending eight hours a day being entertained, so, and that's guys and girls alike, and that's part of, like, part of the issue with, you know, why the rise of, you know, so many lazy women homemakers, you chuckle.

I mean, it's true, like, but the rise of that is in large part due to, like, entertainment addiction, but then the guys are just as addicted, so, like, it's a problem that goes both ways, you know, but then what's happening, though, is I think, well, we can talk about that, but part of it is, like, yeah, it is a problem across genders that we expect eight hours of entertainment a day as normal, and we're, you know, accomplishing far less, like, and most employers, you know, they, I mean, they don't expect you to work very hard and for very long, you know, in most jobs, so.

Yeah. It's true.

When a Wife Needs Help Versus When She Is Lazy

Right. Now, for the wife who's struggling to keep up with something like the dishes, for example, it's probably not uncommon for a wife to come to her husband and say, hey, I need your help with the dishes.

I'm pretty far behind. I need you to do this thing for me, you know, to, like, help me, right? Yep. What's the response that the husband should give?

It just depends on what you're looking at, you know, it depends on what kind of situation you found yourself in, so, you know, like, what are we talking about? Like, are we talking about, like, the situation where, like, you're newlywed, and your wife has spent all day long on her phone, and the house looks exactly the same, and nothing has been done all day long, and, you know, there's dishes that have been piled in the sink for three days, and, you know, there are laundry, piles of laundry, you know, that are laying all over the house, you know, that you can't tell whether or not they're clean or dirty, right?

Like, are you talking about that? Are you talking about, like, that kind of scenario with, like, one kid, right, who's six months old? Like, you know, what are we talking about? Are we talking about, like, the homemaker who has, you know, five, six, seven kids, or whatever, is homeschooling, and has dishes, everything else, and, like, you know, does two loads of dishes a day, and, you know, two loads of laundry a day?

What are we talking about, right? And so, and that's part of the problem is you can't even have this kind of discussion because instantaneously what people's mind go to is the worst case scenario, the most, like...

Favorable for the life. Yeah, yeah. So, one of the things that's happened is, like, you know, you have a, like, you know, grandmothers, like, you think about the standard young woman today's grandmother, or great grandmother, maybe even at this point, like, they were really hard workers, and they were more characteristic of a Proverbs 31 woman than, you know, the current crop is in a lot of ways, right?

And so, but then, like, a lot of young women today really, they don't have the first clue about what it means to be a homemaker, and they've never been taught to be a homemaker, and basically, you know, part of the thing that's happening is that you essentially have different types of women, right?

And so, a lot of, like, a lot of the women who are hard workers, they do want to go more the career route, and that's where they're, like, they've learned discipline, they've learned all that, and they're taking that out.

Their natural assumption is they want to make something of themselves, they go the career route, but then what happens in a lot of, like, circles like ours where you have churches that are being advocate, churches that are advocating for, you know, young people to get married and quit, you know, farting around, being single and all that.

So, get married, like, there's a pressure to get married. And then once you start, like, encouraging people to have kids, so, you know, like we said, you know, couples who refuse to have kids, basically selfish jerks.

Once you start encouraging them to do that, then, you know, what happens is, like, most young couples, they start out with the dink assumptions, double income, no kids, and finally they get married, they have kids, and then it's like the wife decides to be a homemaker, but she's never learned how to make a home is the problem.

And then, like, you know, they start out...

And, like, and everyone around her, a lot of times, like, old friends and stuff that aren't Christian, none of them are going to be the ones encouraging her in that.

Yeah, I mean, you have all the mommy blogs out there that are essentially showing the pictures of the house being an absolute disaster zone and, you know, and then the women doing their inspirational quotes, you know, don't let anyone, you know, judge you for your sloth in the home and you are enough, you know, and slay queen and all that, and it's okay, brace your glorious ruin and all that.

But, like, the thing is, so, like, what's happening is you have so many young women who basically haven't learned the first thing about homemaking. And then you have guys who basically think, okay, well, I want her to stay at home, I want her to have babies, I want her to be domestic.

She's never learned how to do anything like that. So he thinks it's a victory that she's not going to work, right? Like in the secular workforce. But then part of the problem is that she never put any thought to what it actually means to be a homemaker, very little thought into doing that.

And so then, you know, what scenario you're in, right? Like, that's the question. So should she, she's so behind and everything else, like, well, what scenario am I talking about? And you can't assume that every single scenario is the same because they're just not.

They're not the same. So I've known plenty of men who essentially, like, they go to work every day, their work, their 40 hours. And I would say that most men, like, in the standard relationships with, you know, who are the breadwinners and the wife is a homemaker, I would say that most men are working much longer and much harder than women right now.

It's so unbalanced the other way. Like, by and large, it's like so out of proportion. Like, women aren't even working five hours a day. Even women with, like, young kids are not even working hardly five hours a day.

It's like they're not doing anything. Right. And but then they're calling it all work. But then what they're doing is they're sitting on the couch all day looking at their phone while the kids are just fending for themselves, you know, and so they're just distractively entertaining themselves all day long.

But then, like, but then, you know, instantaneously, they get all the accolades and all the praise of their grandmother. Right. You know, a woman's work is never done and you, you know, you get to go to work and all that.

But my work is nonstop. It's like you're not actually working very hard. You know, I go I go to work every day. I come home and everything stays the same. That's what the guys are saying. Right. So everything stays the same.

And it's just like, well, you don't know what my day is like. But then the problem is, like, you know, the woman can go grocery shopping on Saturday. Right. And the guy stays home with the kid and somehow he can manage to do all the dishes, do all the laundry, clean the whole entire house.

And it only takes him like an hour and a half, you know. But then they're basically being told they're being told that like it's impossible. And it's like, it's not impossible. It literally only took me an hour and a half to do everything that you haven't done for the past two months.

Right. And so but then you're telling me it's impossible. You're telling me it's impossible. At some point, it's just like you're gaslighting me. Like, I don't believe you. Right. So like the issue then is like, well, what scenario?

And and like, you know what? Like, that's kind of part of the question is like, what scenario? And are you in the scenario where you've like I'm looking at your Internet history and it's been eight hours of entertainment all day long and now you didn't touch the dishes and you're asking me to do it?

Are you know, are you in the situation where you've literally, you know, been working all day and and you're unable to keep up because, you know, it takes a lot of work to legitimately homeschool. It takes a lot of work to, you know, raise, you know, multiple kids like what which one are we in?

And that depends on how you answer it.

So I guess is insinuation there then? Well, if it's if it's option a, you know, the one who has been on their phone all day or is watching, you know, Netflix or TV or whatever all day, then is the assumption then that the answer would be no, you don't help.

I would say the answer is no.

In general, you don't help. No, in general. But that admits exceptions, but no, in general, like is the appropriate response like and that's like scandalous. But then let me see if I can give you an analogy to show you why it's not as ridiculous as you may think.

Okay. Okay. Like, you know, just imagine that you are living in a time, you know, where, you know, you have successfully dug your cave out of the mountain and you're living in your cave and everything else, right?

And all that. And, you know, just imagine, you know, just imagine for a second, let's roll the clock back. Okay. All right. So now think about it this way. Like, now let's say that, like, let's say that, you know, you're fighting off a saber-toothed tiger trying to protect your wife.

Right. And let's say that you successfully do it, but then it does get a good swipe on you. You get your spear in the thing. It's dead. Right. You killed it, but then you're laying on there, you're bleeding a little bit, you know, and then the dire wolf comes up.

Right. Now imagine that your wife is standing over you with a club and like screaming at the wolf and swinging it in a girly way, but like enough to where the wolf is like scared off by it. Right. Okay.

You got the snare in your mind. Yeah. You got the saber-toothed tiger, it swiped you, but you killed it. Now there's the dire wolf and your wife standing over you swinging the club like a girl at it.

Yeah. And let's say that, like, she like just is screaming at it and the wolf is just like, I don't want any, you know, of this crazy mess and just runs off. Okay. And so, like, you know, as a man, wouldn't you be kind of proud of your wife for, you know, being willing to go out with you like that, you know, like being, you know, being stepping up, you know, doing stuff in abnormal, protecting you.

Wouldn't you think, man, that was a good woman right there. Right. Yeah. Yeah. She didn't let me get eaten by the wolf, you know, like, okay. But imagine this every day. Okay. Uh-huh. And what happens then if like constantly she's protecting you from danger and constantly she's the one who has all the courage and she's the one who's, you know, basically it's like, that wasn't like that one story that you told like at family reunions.

Right. Mm-hmm. Like that was like, that was every week that's happening. Like some, like at some point it's just like, man, what an incompetent dude, you know? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, so.

Like, all right. I guess, I guess you just need to let your wife wear the pants then. Yeah.

I mean, at some point it like is totally emasculating if she's constantly saving you from all the dangers that exist. Right. Like at some point it's just like, well, are you a, are you the protector or her?

And so like, no, like, you know, most guys would cringe if like every, everyone would kind of chuckle and smile and congratulate her if she does it that one time. Right. Right. But then if that's like the story weekend and week out and like, that's like every day, it's just like, at some point it's just like, what's going on here?

You know? Like, dude, you need to like figure out what you're doing in life. Right. Like, you need to figure, like something has happened, something has been mixed up. Right. And so part of the issue there is that like related to the role of protection.

A husband has the role of being the protector of his family. The Bible says that, you know, husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Husbands are physically stronger and they're supposed to give honor to the weaker vessel.

They're the ones who need to be the protector. And if your wife is the one constantly protecting you, at some point everyone around you just starts to cringe and starts to feel weird inside. Right. Like, but then they, we all like the story that's out of the blue.

We don't like the stories that are just like, oh, this is happening all the time. You know, poor, poor girl.

That's a little, that's a little embarrassing. That's a little embarrassing. That's how you feel now. But part of the problem. You're getting, you're getting swiped by the saber tooth tiger every time.

Right. Right. Right. At some point it's just like, what's going on here? You know, like you fainted when the goat came, you know?

You know what made, you know, it would make that whole scenario a lot easier. Was that. Just get the AR 15 out. There you go. Saber tooth can't get you if you shoot him 500 meters away or something. Yeah.

Yeah. With the explosive rounds, they can decapitate. Explosive rounds. No way. No, but like, you imagine that kind of scenario, that's like the way it should work. But then like now that's the way it works with all the roles.

Okay. So like every role is like that. Now, the problem is that we don't want to apply that anymore to domestic roles. Okay. That same logic. But then like in a past generation, what would happen is like, you know, if a man kind of tried to come in the kitchen and do, do, do anything, you would have a woman who would like be like waving her broom at him and saying, get out of here and don't take my job from me because that would demean me.

Right. So that's the kind of response that our grandmothers would have. Get out of here. Like you're insulting me in the same way that if a woman is trying to protect a man, like he's going to feel insulted unless it's that one rare campfire story.

You get what I mean?

And so he left his AR 15 unloaded, got swiped by the saber tooth. Yeah.

Due to no fault of his own. But it's like the once in a life kind of story kind of thing. But then like, so, so the issue though is just to say that like a woman does have a job to be domestic. And if you're the one constantly coming in, like we're being told that, you know, the key to a woman's heart is to take her job from her.

But when you take her job from her, you're dehumanizing her. Like God has put us on the earth in order to work. Like this is God's gift to man is the things that we're called to do. And if you embrace it, you can find great fulfillment in saying that's my job and I'm going to die to do my job.

Like, you know, in the same way that like a man going to war, like says, it's my duty to go to war and I, no one's going to take that from me. And, you know, least of all, my wife is going to take that from me because that's how I'm made and that's my job.

And, you know, I would lose all masculinity by letting her do this for me. Does that make sense? Yeah. So in the same kind of way, like there are obviously scenarios where a woman, like a man can step in and do the same kind of thing and it be good.