Tape 6 - Counseling Seminar

Park Meadows Church

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Doctor, we just refer them on, get them a checkup. Get them a checkup. One of the first things

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I ask a person who comes to me with a problem is when did you have your last physical? If I suspect anything, when did you have your last physical?

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In fact, we have a sheet that they fill out, it comes from the medical doctor's office. They fill all that out and tell them, you know, suicides, anybody, bananas in your family, you know, anybody crazy, take these pills, you take aspirins, a list of drugs, you check them off and stuff, all this stuff.

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And then down at the bottom, we've added a section, have you ever read a book on witchcraft? Have you ever been to a seance? Have you ever played with a Ouija board?

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Have you ever had your palm read? Do you have nightmares and things like this? Well, everybody has nightmares. Who tells you that?

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A non -Christian psychiatrist will tell you that. Do you know if your mind is working while you're sleeping, you're not resting?

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That's why you can sleep for nine hours and get up and feel like somebody beat you in the back with a hammer. God says, if you want to go to sleep, so let's go to sleep.

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Well, everybody dreams. Who told you that? Well, everybody has nightmares. Yeah, if you eat chili and beans and onions at midnight, you'll probably have one, but it isn't necessary.

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It isn't necessary. And it's when we don't do that which the Lord wants us to do and there are ways we can prevent that that we'll talk about.

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Well, what if someone comes to you about a job? Someone comes and they said, you know, I'm trying to find my place in career and so forth.

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And I said, well, let me suggest to you a good vocational guidance counselor plus me.

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I'll send you to them and when you get settled on that and I'll stay with you and so both of us will work with this individual.

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He will guide them in the attitude of where they place their life as a career and I'll give them that spiritual guidance and to try to keep their feet on the ground with the

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Lord and keep everything into a biblical Christian perspective of what he's telling them. Of course, it's wonderful if you can find a

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Christian, but now you see, it's my philosophy. I'd rather go to a non -Christian doctor who is competent than to go to a

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Christian quack. I mean, I just had. Just because he's a believer, I don't want him cutting around on me, you know. I want to make sure that he knows what he's doing.

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In fact, I might even want to read some of the books he's read, you know, to find out. But there are Christian doctors. God bless them and thank the

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Lord for them and they're Christian attorneys, they're Christian teachers, they're Christian nurses. There are Christians.

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The tragedy is we don't have enough of them in the different places that we really, truly need them. Now, if they have a legal problem, to whom would you refer them?

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Refer them to a Christian attorney. Refer them and I say, well, I'm getting a divorce, Dr. Freeman, and I'm a believer and could you refer me to a

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Christian attorney? I said, oh, I've got a good one. He said, he doesn't do divorces. I said, I've got a good one. So I give him his name.

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So they go bouncing in his office down there and he's got his Bible waiting on him, you know. Here they come in. They'll take you from an attorney.

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They'll listen to an attorney. Sometimes they won't listen to us, but they get a lawyer in there and he says, look, here's what's going to happen when you get in court.

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Boy, he's going to ask you this, he's going to ask you this, they're going to take you this, you're not going to get this, they're going to take this away from you and all this stuff like that. They're going to do everything to split you right down the middle.

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Man, I don't do that. Well, maybe he does that. Maybe he's Red Solomon or something. I don't know what he may do. Then they get to back off and they get to thinking.

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So refer them. Person comes to the office of a fellow that I knew and he comes in and he says, what's your problem?

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I said, well, I don't know how to tell you. What's your problem? He goes on and on and on and he says, I have a neural disease. Boy, guy jumped away from him, didn't want to touch him, you know, backed off from the table, you know, away from him like this, like unclean, unclean, get away unclean.

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Make the guy step back, you know, and call in the fumigators and exterminators and everything like this. Well, the kid goes, no.

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Pick up that phone. Let me get you to a doctor quickly. Take him to a doctor. Get him to the doctor.

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Get medical help and then try to leave. You know, well, now what we need to do here is we need to talk about this.

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Who, where, what, why? Now, they'll find out all that. So don't hesitate to refer. What I'm saying is don't let ego become a problem where I feel like I have to solve this person's difficulty or help them.

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Refer them on out. Refer them on out. Now, we were talking at lunch, just kind of humorously discussing some little odds and ends, but let me share something, a thought or two, if I might, as we approach our time of break, about counseling or dealing with elderly people or retired people.

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Elderly or retired people. This is an area that I personally believe that an individual, the average person, needs to expand, needs to expand the ministry that they have.

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Speaking primarily of a pastor or a church staff or something of this nature. Simply because the population of the world, it is changing, but there are so many elderly people who have no contact with anyone who really cares.

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They're off into homes. They're off into buildings. And they have a great fear, not only of growing old, but they're held in fear, as the scripture says, in the bondage of death.

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In the fear of death, they're under bondage all the days of their life. And not only that, they're just kind of no worth to society, and they're just kind of pushed off.

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And our church, we call them the live wires, and they have programs for them. But I believe that there are people in our churches that can be trained in these special areas of responsibility.

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No, they're not the counselors, but they can be trained in these areas. I'm so grateful that Bessar Shalom Mission, the

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American Board of Missions to the Jews, that we now have a man on staff, very talented, and his call, his gift is with elderly people.

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He goes to nursing homes. He goes and he deals in these retirement. He just loves, he's just a young man, but he loves to be around older people.

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And he is tremendously successful in ministering to their hearts. And they are a unique group of people.

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And so we can train people in the church to assume that responsibility. Also, if we're going to deal with them, and this is sort of not individually, but to have study groups.

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To have study groups for the elderly people. We have them come. We have men come, attorneys who come in and show them how to make out a will.

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We'll have people come in and show them how to deal with their budgets. Of course, most of them are very wise about budgets anyway.

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But to show them how to do things and to incorporate those talents and abilities that they have, and that way you can have many people there and help many people at the same time by having study groups and discussions and things of this nature.

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And then, associates and assistants. People who can assist us in handling elderly people and encouraging elderly people.

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A one who's going to do some counseling, if they're doing it through us, can extend themselves by training other people. We heard that this morning about delegation, but training people to assume these responsibilities.

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Because after all, if you're a minister, you're not an octopus. And I promise you, you can only do so much.

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You can only do so much. But the church expects you to do everything. You have to be an accomplished person.

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In fact, they really think you're perfect. And you have to fit every group. Now, you can minister in certain ways to every group, but we need help in these areas.

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Now, how would you select personnel? May I just quickly say that some people have no aptitude whatsoever in counseling with people.

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There are some people who are sweet, loving, Christian people, but who should never talk to another person in a counseling situation.

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Witness, everybody witnesses. Everybody shares the gospel in trying to lead somebody to Jesus. There are many people who have very difficult time even in discipling someone else.

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But I'll promise you that there are some people who have no aptitude whatsoever, but you know, it's amazing how many psychologists there are in our churches.

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I mean, almost everybody is a lay psychologist, or psychiatrist. I mean, everybody is an authority on how to live life.

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And it's unbelievable some of the information that comes out, and some of the things that are said.

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And it's just like a spider spinning a web, and it causes so much problem, and it's so sticky, and you can never snip it all off.

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It just hangs, and somebody else will hit it, and it'll stick to them. And it's so difficult to erase that out of the way.

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And some people unintentionally will actually turn some people away from the Lord. I'm convinced in my life as a

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Christian, I have actually taught people out of coming to the Lord. I recall this, and I was talking, and this was in a witnessing situation.

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I talked to this young man, and I went through the whole Roman road, that's all I knew, was the Roman road. Romans 3, 23, 6, 23, 10, 9, and 10, 13.

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And boy, I mean, I had it down. And I could explain it all to him, and I said, now, wouldn't you like to give your heart to Jesus? He said, man,

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I sure would. I said, now, I want you to know now, as soon as you do, the first step of obedience is you have to follow the

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Lord in baptism after you go before the church, and confess that before men. Because the scripture says that if you don't confess it before men, he's gonna be ashamed of you.

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And I said, now, what do you think about that? Do you wanna get saved? He said, man, I sure do. I said, now, you see, there are two forms of baptism. You can get sprinkled, or you can get immersed.

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And I'm sitting there talking about all of a sudden, yeah, I would. Well, is there any good reason why you couldn't trust the

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Lord right now? No, man, I'd like to get saved right now. Well, let me show you now what happens when you do get saved. And I went on, and before long, you know what happened?

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Satan just moved right in there and cooled that boy's heart off, and cooled his mind off, and I sat there and quenched and grieved the

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Holy Spirit so there was no conviction whatsoever. And I come down to finally think at about 35 or 40 minutes or so, and I said, now, wouldn't you like to give your heart to Christ?

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He said, I think I'm gonna think about it a while. And I lost him. I lost him. Well, all you gotta do is give him a scripture.

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No, if the Holy Spirit didn't convict him, you can read him scripture all day long, he'll never get saved. He can pray anything you want him to pray, but if the

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Holy Spirit's not convicting him and dealing with him, he'll never get saved. And so, you know, what I'm saying is sometimes people unintentionally turn people away.

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It never meant the desire of the heart. But so what we can do, we extend ourselves out in this, and we find that Christian leaders sometimes are not exempt from problems of their own.

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So when we select personnel, make sure that we select someone that is fairly stable and that's not experiencing a lot of major difficulties in their own life.

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And if you're gonna refer someone to someone, make sure you know who you are referring them to. Or just say, look,

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I just don't know anyone in that field. I'm sorry. I don't know anyone that I feel comfortable in referring you to.

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Sometimes I tell them, I say, yes, I know some people who are in that field, but I don't know anyone that I can, without reservation, refer you to.

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And sometimes I can say, would you call this person and ask them, do they know of someone? I respect them, and if they tell you somebody, then you can respect it.

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Because, you know, we don't know everybody. We don't know everybody. And then you must select a person who is most scrupulous in keeping confidences.

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Again, I can tell you, dear people, that one of the things that hurts the body of Christ as much as anything that I'm aware of today, and that is the breaking of confidences by Christian people.

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People who just can't keep something in their heart. So, dealing with older people.

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Well, there are some myths about older people. There's some stories going around that just aren't true.

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The myths of old age have to be addressed. We need to deal with them, and we need to correct them.

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People who are gonna work in this area, if you train people who work in this area, if you communicate with people who are gonna work with older people, you need to make sure they have these misconceptions about older people erased from their minds.

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The first thing that we need to note is that in North America, older women outnumber older men four to three.

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That's the figure right now, four to three. So, there are a lot of older women, and there are more older women than there are older men.

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So, that's gonna determine some of our priorities and determine some of our goals and some of our directives.

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Now, you can have domino parties, and that's not gonna do a lot of ministering to them, and you can have bingo and all that, and that's not gonna do a lot of ministering to them.

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Oh, I know, they throw the square dances out on the whole bit, but they still go away with the same problems, the same difficulties, and sometimes the same fears.

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Also, we must understand, more than any other group, I am personally convinced, and it's only my personal conviction or personal belief or opinion, is that older people, more than any other group, do not conform to a type.

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You cannot conform them to any particular type of people. They are as varied as they are personalities, because through life, they have accumulated so many varying experiences and have come from so many varied backgrounds and have gone through so many crises and so many trials, many of them that we younger generation have not ever seen.

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And I hear Sunday school teachers, as I travel about, and I can listen to them, you know, and they tell the young people, you see, it works in reverse.

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It's negative in the reverse. I hear some of the older Sunday school teachers, they say, well, now, you know, this is in the

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States, they say, now, you young people don't understand. See, now, let me explain something to you. Back during the days of the

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Depression, and they go on telling, these kids don't even know anything about a Depression. They get everything they want. You go to their parking lot in high school, they drive better cars than you and me.

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Boy, they drive new ones. They drive the big ones. They drive the fast ones. They get all these. Mom, Dad's still chugging around in an old

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Chevy. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And you're trying to make it around. Boy, these kids whip around and be, boom, boom. They get these big new ones.

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Walk in, it's nothing to see a kid going, right down from my office, there's a little place down right, just swing in there real quick, and they just get a cup of coffee in the morning.

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And it's two blocks down from a high school. And I'd go in there to get a cup of coffee. It's nothing to see those kids coming in, whip around at 50, $20, you know.

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Every morning, same kids come in, get him two chocolate doughnuts and a cold drink and a bunch of bubble gum and candy stuffed in their pocket.

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Every day, the kid's breaking 10, $20 bills. Driving out there in a big car, 10 ,000. I, vroom, off they go.

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And I thought, what in the world? I mean, I know all of them are not into oil. I mean, I know all of them are not. And it's unbelievable.

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But to go back, so these kids, they don't know anything, but adults and senior citizens, the elderly people are as different.

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They are as different, one from another. You will never want to find two alike. You just won't.

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You cannot conform them to a type. Now, please make a note of this. I have this starred twice in my notes.

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That we need to realize that in God's plan for our life, there is no retirement clause in it.

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There is no retirement clause in God's plan for our life. Now, I'm not saying you can't retire.

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I'm not saying that at all. I hear people talking, so many preachers that I know, excuse me, ministers of the gospel, they're looking for one thing, and that's to retire.

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I hope God never lets me stop. I want to just speak and preach and teach, and I know

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Dr. Paul does, and I know Brother Harold does, and I know Brother Harold, your pastor does, and many pastors and preachers and teachers and godly men and women, they're not even thinking about retiring.

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All they know is it's available, but they're not worrying about it. God brings about a fine. They're just moving on, and most of them retire or don't retire.

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I know people doing more now after they retire than they were before. For the Lord, I'm gonna do, because they're freer now, they're not restricted, and they're just turning loose now for the

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Lord. But it's amazing how many Christians have retired on the Lord. Well, now, I've served the

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Lord. Let the new generation do it. I did mine. I taught Sunday school 10 years. Let this younger generation take care of it a little while.

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I'm gonna sit back and rest a little bit. Well, that sounds good, but there just isn't any such thing in the will of God for his people.

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Now, many times, many times we think that an older person is not capable of doing what a younger person is.

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Now, there are times when that is true, but you know, most of the time it isn't. For example, most older people are far more dependent than young people.

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I mean, young people, they're, it just terrifies me to have to hire a single secretary. The average, in the states at least, the average length of the average secretary is only 18 months.

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You're fortunate you can keep a girl two years. Fortunate. But you can get a lady in there, 40, 45, 50 years of age, moving on up to 60.

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Boy, they just stay there. They're not going anywhere. If they didn't set it down, that's where they live. They're not going anywhere. They're gonna stay in there and stay there and work.

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Far more dependent. These are some of the myths. Sometimes an older man or woman can accomplish more because their attention span is concentrated into one area.

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Young people, their minds flip from one thing to another. You catch them looking out the window at that eraser, flipping that eraser.

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Yeah, looking out the window. You go over there and look out the window. See what's going on. You figure we're being invaded by the

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Martians. You know, what is it? What's out there? Nothing. Just flipping it. You know, what are you doing?

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Is that good? Go get me one. She won't see what's up, you know. Becoming an eraser addict.

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But they do. But no, people accomplish. Now, there are some exceptions. Now, there is another very prevalent false idea about older people that older people cannot memorize.

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They just, their mind's going. Well, I know, brother.

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Now, you see, our friends are laughing because we're sitting over there talking about retirement today. You know, but yeah.

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Listen, once you reach 50 years of age, you know, that's it. Oh, yeah, talk to the kids if you don't think so.

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Listen, they got it figured out when you're 30. When you're 30, you're about gone. I mean, they wonder why you, you know, they wonder if you've gone out and bought your plot yet.

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Have you got them in? I mean, let's go down to the mortician and talk about it, mom, dad. Why, you're 35. How long are you gonna go?

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Sure. And I was telling some young people at night, I always tell kids, it is amazing. Everybody over 30 is way out and don't know anything, and it's amazing.

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All of a sudden, whenever they become 29 and a half, people over 30 are not near as dumb as they thought. It's exciting, and in about four years, they're stunned at how much their parents have learned in just a few short years.

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But you know what the authorities tell us? Those who study these things tell us that a person that's 70 years of age can memorize just as well as a person 20.

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That's the fact. They can, it just takes them a little longer. And the length of time is only 40%.

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What that means is, what a 20 -year -old person can memorize in 10 minutes, it will take a 70 -year -old person 14 minutes, but it will be equally as well memorized, and that is factual data.

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But you know what most of us think? Oh, 70 -year -old person, do you know I know a man 93 years of age,

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Dr. Charles Weigel, who wrote the song No One Ever Cared for Me, like Jesus. At 93 years of age, he was preaching 15 revivals a year.

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Traveling around, preaching. You could name others. I can name you men and women who are up in the years.

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I mean, you can't slow them down. Now, you don't have to sell physical energy, but it is not a truth that the mind goes at 70 years of age.

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It just is not so. Now, an important fact is that age is not a disease.

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They're not sick because they're getting old. You know, we want to lock them away, lock them up, get them out of the way so they don't hurt anybody or get hurt themselves.

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It's not a disease. Beyond 65 and 70 years of age, there's nothing out there but the yawning of the grave where they're about to go.

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One foot here, one foot there. Watch them. Hope it doesn't rain. They slip, they go. That's not true.

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That is a myth. The door to exciting, creative living at 70 years of age is still open and ajar, and they can still be led right through that to an exciting adventure in life.

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Life's adventure doesn't stop at 65 or 70. People age at different rates.

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So chronology is no guideline. There are people who are in far better health at 65 years of age than most of us who run around in the 40s.

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You notice I didn't give you a specific age. In the 40s. Pick one. Lower in, please.

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Sure, sure. We just pick an age and we think that's it. So chronology really has nothing.

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It's a very poor indicator. And in North America, one out of every seven people is over 60 years of age.

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One out of every seven. One out of every seven. Well, something

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I just tell them to do, two or three, I say, well, why don't you have some of these discussions and study groups and deal with pertinent problems?

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Pertinent problems, very simple. Just have some study groups for them. Have covered dish dinners for them. Let them come in and just say, what subjects would you like to discuss this month?

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What subjects would you like to discuss this year? List them out and get someone to come in who can discuss those problems with them or those areas of interest.

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I said, and always provide them transportation. Make transportation available to those who don't have it.

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Take trips with them. Take trips with them. Talk to anybody that's ever gone on a trip with a group of senior citizens and I will promise you, we take groups to Israel each year.

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We've been taking them for quite a few years. We had a lady, 71 years of age, who went to Israel with us.

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Now, we had one 83 and one 85. And one, she was about 83 years of age and she wore a fur coat.

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I never have understood that. Wore a big fur coat and it's not cold and to see a woman in a fur coat, 83 years of age, sitting on a camel is a little, you know, it's kind of strange, you know.

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We have pictures of that. But this little lady, 71 years of age and had a walking cane. And yet, most of the time, and she brought a whole family of her,

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I mean, just brought a whole family along, just, I don't know, several of them. And she kept up most of the places with us.

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The only place she had trouble keeping up with us was at one location in Israel and in London, England. So I just had two sturdy men go back there where she was and they just picked her up.

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And they just carried her along. She was hanging out. But it's only twice out of an 11 -day trip. But she stayed right with us.

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But one of the most exciting thing is to get a group of older people together and spend time around them, spend time around them.

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And so, it's an exciting thing and it's interesting to watch what happens. And if they are

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Christian people especially, they have a wealth of information that can be used in the body of Christ.

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They have a wealth of information that can occur. And I try to encourage pastors and people in churches.

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I say, you know what you need to do? Just a thought. Isn't it interesting? You never have found a church of all old people.

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Old people, there's no such thing as a church made up of all older people, elderly people. There's no such thing as a church that is totally 100 % all young people.

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There's no such thing as a church that is 100 % all young married or adults. No, no, no.

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You see, God's made a balance in the body of Christ. Young people, see, they energetic.

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They don't even look. They just say, man, let's do it. Right or wrong, let's do it. Let's go. Let's go. Older people, they're kind of slow.

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Say, no, let's don't move so quick here. Let's just kind of think about this a little bit. So the older people, they slow the young people down.

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Young people, they're pushing all the time. So the older people kind of pick up speed a little bit. Well, let's slow it down here a little bit. Let's think about this.

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And the young married couples, they're sitting here. They've just come out of youth, so they know a little bit about the youth. They're looking ahead to that.

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And so they're dealing with the economy and all the present pressures that the older people have already walked through a lot of that. They're already experts on it.

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They know that. The young people are looking forward to it. And God just puts them in there to mingle one with another and to teach one another.

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But isn't it tragic that the young people never have a chance to sit down with the senior citizens of the church and share with them what they think is young people and let the senior citizens share with them?

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It's sort of like the youth have their group, youth explosion, and the older folks, they have theirs, and the young adults, and they never come together.

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What a beautiful thing to have the young people put on a banquet. I said, why don't you just have, and they did it. I just said, let me make a suggestion.

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Why don't you young people just put on a banquet for the senior citizens to just honor them because they've kept the churches open for you through the years?

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And why not just have a panel of senior citizens and you youth pick you out a panel and just give the questions to them and then just discuss with them and ask them what they think about all of these things.

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And then later on, all the senior citizens, they'll turn around and I'll guarantee you they'll invite you. And they'll have one for you.

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And they'll do the same thing with you. And it was amazing how this church just began to entwine itself together and just molded together, molded together.

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There is not the fellowship in our churches and in the body of Christ between the different age groups.

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They're put off into cubby holes or cubicles and they do not fellowship together. There is not the unity and the harmony.

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There is a superficial unity. There is an external unity, but it's not a spiritual unity that the

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Lord wants. But we can learn from one another. And there are so many myths about our senior citizens or the elderly

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Christians when they are sitting there as walking, living proof that people can live a successful Christian life.

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And that no matter what problems a person faces, there's always been a Christian who's faced those same difficulties, have walked right through those difficulties with the

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Lord, gotten the joy and the peace in their heart, and have lived stable, balanced lives. Sure, their hearts have hurt and they've shed many a tear.

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There have been many a time when they didn't have the immediate answer, but God gave the answer. And God gave the increase.

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And off they go. Why not learn together from these things? So they need encouragement.

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Sometimes they need to be counseled with, but we have to be prepared and we need to understand and we need to motivate ourselves to become involved with them.

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All right, let's go ahead and take our break then, about 15 minutes, and we'll come back.

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And I want us to share six common pressures that you face in marriage.

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Six common pressures, and then we'll talk about some ideas about dating, and then disciplining young people and children, and then try to get through a project for a dad and his daughter, and also 12 steps to guard your son or daughter from immorality.

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12 steps to guard them from getting involved in immorality. So let's go ahead and take our break, please. Come back in, and let's talk about six common pressures in marriage.

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There are, of course, many, many external pressures in today's marriage. We know the economy and social pressures, peer pressure, role pressures, and so forth, but there are some internal pressures in modern marriages.

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In the modern, I'm just talking about our generation, and there are six basic ones that I think it's good if we have some kind of insights or guidelines concerning them.

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The first one, of course, is quite understandable with most of us, and that is in the sense that we know cases, and you will know immediately as I go through these, either in your own life, you maybe have experienced some of these, or you'll be able to put them into a marriage.

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Someone you and I know would fit these. And the first one of these internal pressures, always, we have to be careful of, is immaturity.

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Immaturity. This is extremely high on the list of the internal pressures of marriage.

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It is most significant, why? Because marriage is for adults, it is not for adolescents.

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Marriage is not for young people. Marriage is for adults. That is what it's for.

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Now, it can produce emotional maturity. Obviously, marriage can bring out of a person those responses whereby they can grow psychologically and emotionally, and they'll become emotionally mature.

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They can handle problems they've never handled before. They can confront situations they've never seen or heard of before, and it can bring about that.

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But it will only happen when a husband and a wife cooperate together in meeting those crises or those difficulties, or problem solving, or what have you.

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Only when they're working together will emotional maturity occur. Because if they aren't working together, there are gonna be tensions and difficulties, and the emotional maturity is not going to result.

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And in most marriages today, they are so young that they have so many tensions and difficulties that it is years before they ever get to the point of where there is cooperation between the husband and wife.

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I'm talking about pure cooperation. I mean, let's face it, how many of us in our own marriages can say, we are just now getting to the point as to where we are really understanding what it really means.

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And the saying is, well, the longer you live together, the more you look alike. I mean, the more you look like each other, you've been around each other so long.

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Well, why can't we just kind of take on those characteristics at the first? Because of the individuality.

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And the younger they are, the stronger that individuality is in many cases. So the maturation process, the maturing will not occur if there's immaturity there.

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Because they're not looking for that. Now, why? When immaturity is a factor in the marriage situation, the immature person, now not that both of them are, sometimes one is immature and one is fairly mature.

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But the immature person is operating in their life or they are involved in a loving process, love.

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Now, you and I know there are three kinds of love immediately, when you say love, it immediately goes through your mind as a Christian. You say,

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I know there is the eros love, erotic love, from the Greek word eros in the word of God.

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And it's a love that is almost down on the animal level, erotica. And then we know that there is the other love, phileo, from which

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Philadelphia gets its name. It's that brotherly love, it's that companionship, it's that camaraderie that we have.

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And then we know there is the highest of love, the agape love, which is God -given. Only a spiritual person, only he who has been born of the spirit of God has access to agape.

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Now, I'm not talking about a lot of this stuff going around here, but you know what's interesting? When people want to sell something, they put agape on it, if they want to sell it to Christians.

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They put agape, I call it agape gushy. It's, you know, they think that means you just gush and slosh, no, that's not agape love.

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And you and I understand that. But this person can't operate on that because they're in a loving process where he or she is only able to take and not give.

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That's the way they're operating. An immature person is not able to give in the marriage process, they are only capable of taking.

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Only capable of taking. Now, rarely, oh, occasionally they can give, obviously, but it's rare.

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It is a selfish love, and it's based upon three things. It's a very selfish love.

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They don't want it to be. It's not their desire. They're hoping it doesn't stay.

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They're just praying that it will be erased. And sometimes they can't even sit and wouldn't agree it's there if you told them.

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But it's there. And they feel loved only. They will feel loved only if you give me what

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I want. Give me what I want, and then I will feel loved. Or if you let me do what

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I want to do. Otherwise, let me be in control. If I'm not in control, then I don't feel loved. And you can just find young marriages and even middle -aged marriages that are like that today.

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I mean, you see them everywhere. See them everywhere. The third one is, I really, truly only feel loved is when you make me feel special.

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When you make me feel special. You got to keep pumping me up all the time. I mean, you know, if things kind of go along the routine for about two or three months, then they don't feel loved.

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He or she doesn't love me because they haven't done anything special for me. And that's wonderful to do things special. But you see, it's very difficult.

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It's extremely difficult psychologically and emotionally to keep a person at the levels of maturity feeling loved all the time.

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It's extremely difficult. You just can't keep them up there all the time feeling loved all the time.

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But why is that true? Because their appetite never quits. They always want to feel loved.

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And if they only feel loved when I'm doing something, or they'll run you to death. And if they only feel loved whenever they're in control, they'll run you to death, in that sense.

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You either run to death getting something for them, or you either run to death because they're sending you places when they're in control, he or she.

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So this is what we're talking about here. And they cannot remain satisfied very, very long.

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And the reason they can't is because they have a strong neurotic need for love and acceptance, and usually it's based upon what they are getting.

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What they are getting. And things are controlled, what have you. Now, the mature position, obviously, is not that at all.

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And you and I know basically what that is. I feel loved, now this is the biblical, I believe, principle.

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I believe it's the mature position. I feel loved when you let me love you. I feel loved when

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I can do things for you. I feel loved when I can express my love for you. And I'm not talking about in the physical sense at all.

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Whenever I can express my love to you, that's when I really feel loved. Now, if that is true, and I believe it is true, then what thoughts would run through your mind and mine right at this moment?

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I mean, where does that leave me in my marriage? If I'm gonna try to help somebody else who's got this problem, I mean, what about me?

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Is mine, you know, where am I? Well, now you see, we're different because, I mean, you don't understand mine.

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I mean, you know, my marriage is a little different than everybody else's, you see. All of us think we're different. And we are in certain ways.

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But the scripture says in Ephesians 5, verse 28, so ought men to love their wives as their own bodies.

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He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the

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Lord the church. So, when I can give to you, that's when

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I really feel loved. When I can do for you, that's when I feel loved. Not when you do for me.

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Not when you give for me. It's when I am expending myself on your behalf. Is that not what Jesus Christ did?

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And he is love. And he expended everything he had. He left the heavenly portals of glory and walked the sandy shores of Galilee.

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And he became a stranger in the world. He underwent the most excruciating pain a human had ever gone through at that time.

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Isaiah 52 says, his visage was marred more than any man. To that point in history, no man had ever been physically beaten as Jesus Christ, the

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Son of God, was physically beaten. There was no beauty in him that we should desire him. He went through all of that, why?

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To open up the portals of love. He was loving, he was giving. He was giving. He always gave.

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He said, I didn't come to be ministered to. I came to minister. And he taught, as we heard,

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Dr. Paul told us last evening. Talk about washing the feet. Why, the

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Lord of heaven washing a fisherman's feet? Well, what could we do?

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I mean, what would we say to that? The secret to having is giving. And the secret to happiness with the

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Lord is having a servant's heart. Giving, giving. An immature person can't do that.

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Many husbands love their wives in a narcissistic fashion. But they do not love their wives as their own flesh.

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And yet, what does Genesis 2, 24 say? He said, two will become one flesh.

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And yet, how many men who are married today look at their wives as a part of their own being?

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That's what the Lord said. That's why you start looking like each other. Some of you say, God forbid,

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I hope that doesn't ever happen to me. I look like that. Let's get some surgery going on here, do something.

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No, but it's true, it's true. Why? We become, that oneness begins to come.

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I share with you the verse that I just, it comes to my mind 10, 15, 20 times a day.

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It's in Psalm 86, 11, the last part. Unite our heart to fear thy name.

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Unite our hearts. Unite what? Unite all we are. Lord, unite us with you and unite us with each other.

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Unite us with each other so we can be united to you. Oneness, a oneness. Immaturity prevents all of that.

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So, truth comes with maturity. A second problem that we confront is role reversal.

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Role reversal. I know a young man who had his doctor's degree, very successful, who through the economic circumstances stayed at home, the wife worked.

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Now, I believe in doing dishes. I mean, you know, I don't want to get addicted to it, but you know, I don't mind doing them.

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You know, I mean, I wouldn't want to do it for a living. And I don't mind doing washing, clothes.

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I love to cook. I don't mind cooking. I'm getting to where I don't mind cutting the grass.

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And there are a lot of things I don't mind doing. You know, I mean, I don't mind going through these, but you see, he began to do these things and do these things and do these things, and it just come to become sort of a habit of his life.

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And without realizing it, he had a role reversal. And he became, in his thinking, more effeminate and more effeminate and more effeminate.

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No, he did not become a homosexual, but pastoring a church, bless his heart,

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I believe he was born again, personal friend, personal friend. And the police stopped him as he ran to a stop sign, pastor of a church, and he was dressed in woman's clothes.

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And obviously, of course, the church did not handle it as Christian people should have. They called me,

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I gave them my counsel on it, and I said, be very loving and very tender. He just needs encouragement, he needs help.

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He needs counseling. He needs to go to someone, not me. He needs to go to someone, but they didn't.

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It's amazing, when a Christian gets in trouble, the one he'll have the most of the problems with many times is another

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Christian, and they did everything but crucify that young boy. Just a young man.

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Well, it embarrassed them in the city. So what I'm basically saying here is, this is another source of marital pressure, role reversal.

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What do I mean? This happens many times when a husband is too passive. He becomes passive.

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Well, whatever you wanna do, just do it, just do it. The wife, and I use the word passive not in the sense of passivity, but I'm talking about in the decision -making process as I understand the scriptures in Ephesians 5, 22, 21, 22, sure, submitting yourselves one to another, but it's the wife, basically, who has the submissive role in the sense that man being the head of the woman,

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Christ being the head of man, and God being the head of Christ as the scripture teaches. And yet, if the man becomes passive in the home, and many times in the home he is, he's aggressive on the job, and he's aggressive in sports, but when it comes to the children and the functioning of the home, he becomes passive.

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And so when he does that, then the wife, who's supposed to be submissive, how can she be submissive when there's no leadership in the home?

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How can she submit to that which there's not anything there to submit to? And I find that Christian women, especially, long in their heart to have a man who will be a leader, loving, kind, sensitive, yes, but a leader who will make those decisions, who will stand on those particular issues.

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But, well, and I understand problems, maybe father, mother didn't do it, so therefore it's come up in their life.

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It needs to be dealt with. They need to understand why they are like they are, but it can be changed, you know?

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So what happens when the husband doesn't? Somebody has to, and the wife asserts herself. You find the same thing in the body of Christ, the church.

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I'm amazed that God hasn't called more women to preach. There's so many that don't know so much about it. And more women know more about preaching a sermon, never preached one.

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I mean, listen, they can tell you all about it. They'll tell you if it's a good one, they'll tell you if it's a bad one. They'll say, have you ever preached a sermon?

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No. Well, how do you know it's a bad one? I mean, what's a sermon made of? I mean, they'll just tell you, you know? But in any church you want to go to, basically you've got more women teaching

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Sunday school than you do men. Shouldn't be that way. I'm grateful to God for the women who teach

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Sunday school, and I believe they ought to be teaching in many areas, but wouldn't it be wonderful if the men were able to control and be the leaders in the church and in the home like God set it out to be?

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And the problem is now we're having a total role reversal in the world, that the women are becoming so aggressive and they're becoming so assertive, they move to the forefront.

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The man just passes and he goes on out and make limits and so forth, and that's why we're having so many difficulties as we have.

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And you and I both know that, of course, obviously a woman can teach children. She can teach young people. She can teach women.

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Of course, the Scripture says in Timothy, you know that a woman cannot teach men. Oh, well, old Paul, he's a masochist.

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That Paul, man, that guy, you know, macho Paul back there, well, he's one of these, oh, no, we don't even listen to Paul.

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Oh, that's outdated, that's antiquated. If that's antiquated, so is Romans 10, nine, and 10.

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So is Romans 10, 13, because they were written by the same man. Whosoever shall call upon the name of the

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Lord shall be saved. Is that antiquated? No, nothing Paul says is antiquated. It's timeless. It's timeless, and it's

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God's plan. It's not a matter, as I said, of superiority. Many women are a lot smarter than many men.

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A lot of women are more capable, but it's God's order of doing things. Now, when a woman does become assertive, what do we do?

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We indict her. We accuse her of being domineering. The question is not if she is domineering, but why is she?

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Why does she have to make these decisions? Why is she the one that has to go out and make the living? I mean, why is she? Sometimes she has to.

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Why has she assumed this? Well, she's loud, and I don't like to hear her mouth, so you can hear her all over the church every time she speaks.

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Well, maybe she's just used to hollering at the children. Maybe she's a manager in the job, and she has to scream at the employees.

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It's just something that's developed in her life. But if she had a strong spiritual leader, she'd learn what a submissive wife is, and she'd learn what a quiet spirit is, and she'd go to Proverbs 31, and she'd understand what

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Proverbs 31 talks about, the perfect wife. She'd understand something about that. Now, it's interesting to me, who wrote

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Proverbs 31? Who wrote that? Who wrote

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Proverbs 31? He wrote 3 ,000 proverbs, 1 Kings tells us. Solomon, he ought to know about a perfect wife.

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He had thousands of them running around. If there's anybody who should have known, oh, Solomon should have. He had enough models to look at, didn't he?

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I'd wonder which one of those would have been perfect, which one he was talking about, or maybe it's because he didn't have one, and he figured out what one ought to be like, and so he described it for you and me, so we didn't make that kind of a mistake.

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But you know, we see a wife that's assertive, and she controls the kids, and many other areas, she exercises authority.

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Well, what has happened? The husband has created that problem by abdicating the authority and the leadership that God gave him.

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He won't do it, and she has to do it, or the home just goes into floundering. It just goes completely kaput.

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And so he's the ordained head of the home by God, and he refused to do it, so the woman just assumes that role.

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So we need to be very careful, should we not, about being critical, or about accusing, or about labeling some mother or some woman who's had to take the role of mother and husband in a home, because the husband either doesn't do it, or doesn't have time to do it, or won't take time to do it.

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I'd rather say he's got time for everything else, but he doesn't have time to do that. So that's a problem. Now, the

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Bible makes it very plain. What is the husband's role? When you read Ephesians, you know it's amazing? The husband is to do one thing with his wife primarily, and that's to give, give, give.

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Man is to the woman as Christ is to the church. He gave, he gave, and he was always giving.

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He never took, he was giving. He gave of himself, that's why he came. I came to give my life a ransom.

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I came to die. I came to give up life itself. The moment he was born, he was born to die.

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He came to die, knowing he was gonna die. It didn't surprise him. He came to, of why this woman is assertive and aggressive.

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Let's find out why she isn't a helper. Helper, helper. And she can actually do a lot of these things, even though he won't.

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She can start moving into that area. He's to give himself. Now, what happens also is this creates confusion as to sex in the home.

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There, a boy and a girl sitting at home, and that young boy and that young girl look at that mother. She's dominant, she's aggressive, she's authoritative, she's dominating, she's all of these things, and he begins to identify with this mother.

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He sees her as the parent who has the strength, and before you know it, without his realizing it, he begins and takes the tendency of taking on other of her characteristics, and that is one of the greatest causes of homosexuality in the world, is that one thing right there.

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He doesn't get a clear picture of what a man should be, and many times the daughter doesn't get a clear picture of what a model woman ought to be, and she goes the opposite direction.

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She becomes dominating. She becomes authoritative. She goes out here in the dating process.

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She starts dating young boys, and he's not going to put up with that. I mean, you know, he's going to learn. Well, he's the athlete.

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Well, then he, you know, guys won't like him if he can't snap his fingers and kick his heels and she's got to kind of walk alongside him. He tells her what to do.

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These teenage boys, I mean, they rule them, but she can't put up with that because she's just the opposite. So she turns to females that she can dominate, and she becomes lesbian in the homosexual community, and I can show you case after case after case, and so can every psychologist, every psychiatrist, and every pastor in the world can show you case after case after case where that's happened simply because a dad refused to take his responsibilities.

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You see, it starts with something simple, but it always gets complex. It always gets complex. This role reversal, and so the seeds of maladjustment is sown in many young people, and it stems from the problem of role reversal in their parents.

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Also, another problem, the third basic pressure in the marriage, internal pressure, is parental constructs.

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And that's a term that really doesn't mean a lot, parental constructs, like constructing.

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It's another frequent cause of this tremendous pressure that comes upon marriages. The wife looks at the husband, and she sees in him the traits of her father.

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He is just like my dad. So she has to deal with him like she deals with her dad, or he may see in her some of his mother's characteristics, and he begins to react to those like he did to his mother.

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So what she says is, you have to help her to learn to recognize, so I tell her,

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I say, look, here's what you're doing. You're treating your husband just like your father. He doesn't have to be a fear object.

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She looks at him as if he's seven to eight feet tall. She can say to her heart, he is not my father.

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Have you ever heard that? You're not my dad. You're not telling me what to do. I mean, you're my husband.

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You're not my father. And they'll lay it on you like that. You see what they're doing? They've identified immediately.

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No matter what they say, they have identified him with her father. Say, I'm not saying

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I'm your dad. So what do we do? So he may be out of order, she's not out of order, or if she goes the opposite direction, she begins to act like a child, and she just begins to baby around the house, and he begins to treat her like a baby, she begins to act like a baby.

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She becomes totally dependent, can't do hardly anything herself. She's afraid to go out, afraid to drive, afraid to go to the store by herself.

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I know a young lady that her husband wouldn't even let her go to the shopping center. He won't let her go to the grocery store. He won't let her go anywhere unless he's in that car.

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He's so jealous. He's insanely jealous. Now, she's not the most ravishingly beautiful girl.

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You know, I mean, she may be beautiful to him. You know, I mean, they say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I don't criticize the way people look, but she just happened to look like she was in a hatchet fight and didn't have a handle on her hatchet.

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I mean, she just looked like she was in trouble. You know, she was lost before she started.

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But that's not the point. I'm just talking about physical, you know, physical attraction. But to him, she's the apple of his eye, but the tragedy is he is suppressing and crushing that girl's personality until she cries out for help.

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And yet she can't get away with him long enough to even get any help. She can't go to church. Goes to church, somebody comes up and greets her, says hello and something like that in church or somebody hugs her and says,

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God bless you, glad to have you, something like that. And of course, you have to be careful of those things. He goes nuts. And so fear, children.

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And she can learn to say, he is my husband. I don't have to be afraid of him. Even though sometimes he makes me feel afraid,

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I don't have to be afraid of him. Now, if a woman does not recognize, for example, that what she's doing is parental constructing, that she's looking at her husband carrying the traits of her father.

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If she doesn't look at that, she'll usually do two things. If she doesn't recognize what she's doing, she'll do two things.

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One of them is she will cover up her anger with withdrawal. She'll withdraw from him. By that I mean, she just won't have any communication with him.

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She'll just kind of be there. She'll just be there. She won't have much to say and she'll just go through her routine.

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She won't contribute anything. She just starts withdrawing from him or as I say, she'll be the perennial little girl.

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She'll just be the perennial little girl and she'll respond to him in a very dependent, childlike fashion.

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She will ask him before she makes any decision no matter what it is. She'll ask him about what color dress should she wear.

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She'll ask him what kind of hairstyle she should wear that day. Should she put on makeup or not put on makeup? She will ask him even the most,

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I mean, just the insignificant little things sometimes. She will go to him for these decisions and that's parental construction.

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It's a pressure that can occur in the marriage and very quickly, the fourth area is hostility.

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It's an internal pressure, hostility. It's one of the great areas of pressure in marital situations. The question is how does one develop hostility?

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How could you and I possibly develop hostility? Well, hostility stems from anxiety.

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Now, what is anxiety? Something that I sometimes have much problems with.

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Anxiety is another word for fear. It's just a synonym for fear. Now, we don't call it that, but that's exactly what it is.

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We heard Brother Harry and quote thus the scripture and gave us a scripture, be not anxious. Don't worry about what you wanna eat or drink.

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Don't worry about it. Be not anxious. When I am filled with anxiety, what I am is

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I'm not really believing God's gonna meet the need of that situation, whatever it is. I'm not trusting him at that moment. I'm anxious and that's fear.

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That's a fear that he's not gonna keep his word. Couldn't you see it in the headlines of the St. John's paper? Couldn't you see it in one of the headlines of the

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New York Times? God stops keeping promises with Dr. Rutherford on. I would say, boy, I could really sell some books then.

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I could write books on that. God has never failed to keep one promise in all of time or all eternity.

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Why would he stop with you and me? Currently, we'd really be unique then, wouldn't we? No, God will keep even the smallest promise he's ever made.

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He always keeps it. If we are faithless, he is faithful, for he cannot deny himself.

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He always remains faithful. So it's fear. Now, what happens when a person is fearful of another person?

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When a mate, a wife, or a husband is fearful of the other one, you say, well, what man's fearful of a lot of women?

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I can tell you some. I mean, I can tell you situations where that man, he doesn't say anything.

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The woman says, that's enough. Boy, he just clams up. He don't say nothing. That's it. He wouldn't dare say, she put something on the table.

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He wouldn't dare say, well, I don't like this. He'd say, you eat that, you know. Well, I've seen it.

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I have seen it with my own eyes. And some of you, you're laughing. Evidently, you know what I'm talking about here.

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Yeah, well, sure. Well, I just do it to kind of console her a little bit. Yeah, that's what he tells me out in public.

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See, when he's away from her, he goes back in the house, his attitude completely changes. Boy, he walks softly. Walks softly.

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Fear comes out in many ways, but the first line of defense for fear is hostility. The first line of defense for fear is hostility in the marital situation.

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So what happens is, if this regards their spouse, they begin to look at that spouse as an enemy.

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Oh, they don't say that, and they wouldn't use the word enemy, but they begin to look at someone as an enemy who's possibly about to attack me.

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And so I've got to put up this hostility to defend myself. Now, their thinking may be conscious or it may be unconscious.

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They can think about it or it just may be unconscious, but what they're thinking is, they will hurt me if I let them.

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Therefore, I can't let them hurt me. Now, I'm not talking about physical abuse. I'm talking about mental hurt.

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I'm talking about the emotional hurt. I'm talking about the psychological hurt. So the wife says sometimes, she says,

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I'm not gonna let him hurt me. I'm not gonna put, you know, the tragedy is many Christians live their life that way. We're not open with each other simply because we're afraid of getting hurt, fear of rejection.

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We were talking about this at lunch the other day with two or three folks and the fear of rejection that all of us have somewhere to have to deal with that.

54:01

We're afraid if we tell someone we have a problem, they won't respect us. We're afraid if we tell somebody, look,

54:07

I'm not perfect. I mean, I got problems in my life. And I, you know, if you cut me, I'll bleed blood just like you do.

54:13

I bleed air, believe it or not. I'm not some super spiritual giant running around the earth. I faced,

54:18

I had to pay taxes, believe it or not. You know, I even have bigger problems.

54:24

I'm not only from Texas. I'm not only Christian, but I'm a Jewish Christian. Can you, I mean, Texas, Jewish Christian. There are not many of us running around in Texas.

54:31

We're in Miami, Florida, Los Angeles, or New York or Israel, but I'm in Texas. All kinds of these things floating around, you know?

54:40

So we're afraid to be open with people lest we be hurt. And yet the Lord opened himself. The apostles opened themselves.

54:46

And every great Christian man and woman has just opened themselves and here I am. This is me. I don't play the role, have to pretend.

54:53

This is just me. Well, it can happen in the marital situation. We are afraid to be ourselves in the marital situation.

55:00

So hostility begins to move into this situation. Now, when there is hostility, if you want to use the word anger, anger is just a form of hostility.

55:10

When there is hostility or anger in the situation, there are several ways that one expresses it in the marital situation.

55:17

One of them is they just withdraw their love. They just don't show any expressions of love.

55:24

Oh, they might say, yeah, they just don't show it. They withdraw it or they'll do that, they'll lash out.

55:31

And you walk in and say, beautiful day, isn't it? Who said so? Boy, this is a wonderful day.

55:37

I mean, boy, it's going to be a great day today. I got news and just begin to lash out. Criticism, the child comes in.

55:44

What are we having for supper? Grab that kid by the hair. What'd you say to me? Are we going to eat today? Not today, we're not.

55:50

If I don't get in that kitchen, get out of here. And off he goes. Lash out at children, lash out at anyone. Shout.

55:57

Hi, sweetheart. Who cares? I'm home, big deal, you know?

56:05

Just shout for no one. What'd I do? You know, the kid comes home. Anybody seen my shoes?

56:11

Find you, I told you. Boy, just goes, you know, that's it. Panic time. Boy says, get out of here, don't go in the house. Not now, wait.

56:18

Or do the opposite. Do another one. Pout. Get those lips.

56:25

You got to get them right or you're not pouting. If they're not just right. What's the matter with you?

56:31

Nothing. Are you sick?

56:36

What makes you think that? Well, I just thought something was wrong. There's nothing wrong with me.

56:43

Oh, come, come, blame me on everything. Oh, the good one. The really good one.

56:49

Just sit, put your head on the table and weep. Oh, cry, cry, cry.

56:58

I can't help but think when I think of this. I can't help but think of this. Every time I think about somebody putting their head down and crying.

57:05

My wife and I, we have a recording about the whole world is Jewish when you're in love. And it's not really true, but this far on this record, he's just crying.

57:18

Oh, why did you die? You know, he's crying. Just weeping, just going. Why did you die?

57:23

Oh, why did you die? And he's in the cemetery just screaming. Why do you die? His grave going crazy.

57:29

Why did you die? This guy comes in and says, excuse me, sir. I've been watching you from across the street.

57:35

And you have been here for over 30 minutes. And you're crying on him. Why did you die?

57:42

Was this your loved one or someone in your family? Was this your wife? No, I never knew him.

57:48

Well, why did you die? Why did you die? He said, you never knew him. And you carry on like this. Who was it? He says, my wife's first husband.

58:00

You know, so. Now, you and I wouldn't want to just come right out and, you know, and say this.

58:09

But sometimes it's that way. But the big one is, you know, because he just can't stand it hardly, you know. But some men get conditioned to it, ladies.

58:15

And I promise you, sometimes it doesn't work. Say, go ahead and shed on me. It doesn't bother me, you know. Go ahead and cry if you like.

58:21

But this is a part of it. And worse than all of these, the marriage is in extreme danger if either one of them ever gets this

58:29

I don't care attitude. It just doesn't make any difference to me anymore. I just don't care anymore.

58:36

This indifference, what it does, it declares to the spouse that they don't make indifference, that they're the big zero.

58:42

They're the big zero, you know. It just doesn't make any difference. Now, revenge, sometimes in the form of sexual coolness.

58:51

Now, a lot of women use this. Say, well, I'll just fix him up. Not the first time he comes bouncing in here with a twinkle in his eye.

58:58

I'll tell him I got the worst clothes. That's where all these jokes about the headache came about. Now, it's another tactic of a hostility or anger -ridden marriage.

59:09

The scripture very clearly says that a man or a woman can never, as Christians, refuse their body to the other one except for that monthly time of purification or when that person, one of them, has chosen to fast or to get themselves with God, trying to get their lives or some burden upon their heart.

59:31

But, of course, that's always done by sharing with others and say, you know, the Lord's laid on my heart for the next 10 days or the next 15 days that I just wanna pray and read scripture and I just wanna concentrate on the

59:40

Lord and here's what I'm asking you to help me do. And that's all the scripture authorizes. There's none of this thing about sleeping in the bathtub or on the couch in the scriptures.

59:49

It just doesn't work that way, you know, because you're not your own. You've been bought with a price. You belong to the

59:55

Lord and God's made the husband and wife one flesh, one flesh. And so, this is another tactic, though.

01:00:01

But you see, there is a very healthy way of expressing this hostility and this anger.

01:00:07

Now, there are a lot of people who say, well, I don't get angry. If you're human, you do. If you've got blood in you,

01:00:13

Canadian, American, any other kind of blood in you, you will, somewhere down the line, get angry. And there is a healthy way of expressing it and that is only by direct means.

01:00:22

Now, this bothers a lot of people and some people are afraid of it because it places value on the other person.

01:00:29

But it can be and must be expressed. And it just simply says, when you go to a person and say, excuse me, sweetheart,

01:00:35

I want to talk to you. You do this and I just don't like that. It irritates me.

01:00:42

It drives me crazy. It makes me infuriated. I mean, I just get angry when you say that or when you do that or when you don't do that.

01:00:50

And the reason I'm coming to you is because I love you and I have such a displeasure in this and I'm hoping that you will consider changing that habit or something.

01:00:59

And would you just consider that for me? Now, you're expressing what you're angry about.

01:01:06

And it's amazing how that hostility will subside and that anger will be released because you've told them why you are angry with them.

01:01:14

Now, what is happening here, this has a quality of caring in it. This has a quality of caring within it.

01:01:21

It's in contrast with attitude that says, you're not worth my anger, so therefore I'm not going to say anything to you. I won't show it, I'll just act like I don't have it.

01:01:28

Now, we're talking about a verbal attack, of course. Physical expression sometimes is regression, becoming childlike or handling as a child.

01:01:41

Stomp, standing on the floor. I know one man walked out and just rammed his fist through the wall. I know one fella put a hole in each wall with his hand in his wound, you know.

01:01:52

Or he really gets her, he really gets her. He gets out, he gets in the car and lets that thing burn rubber and burns those tires down to a nub for about 40 miles, you know, has to go out and spend $200 for new tires, but he fixed her.

01:02:03

She's back there watching TV. She hadn't heard a thing, you know. Or he won't come home that night. Childlike, childlike.

01:02:11

And this is what happens. Now, the healthy way of dealing with hostility or anger in the marriage is with the marriage partner.

01:02:18

Deal with it this way. Don't spray your hostility everywhere. I mean, sure, Dad, you got a headache.

01:02:23

Don't take it out on the kids, you know. I mean, that's the old saying. The kid's sitting there at the table, you know, eat your breakfast, boy.

01:02:31

Well, I'm not really hungry. Grab him by the head, tilt him back and take that milk and pour it down there. The kid, he don't know what's happening.

01:02:37

Why? Because Mom didn't do what I said the other night. Hostility's spraying everywhere. Take it down to the office.

01:02:43

Take it, no. Don't nag. Don't nag, no. Don't argue about it.

01:02:49

Don't get into arguments about it. And then most importantly, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid.

01:02:56

When we are afraid of a spouse or a person's afraid of their spouse, it is because they are projecting parent upon them.

01:03:04

They are projecting the idea of parent upon them if a person's afraid of their spouse.

01:03:11

Someone says, well, do you have to have anger? I mean, do you have to have all these harsh words in the marriage?

01:03:17

Not perpetually, you don't. But you will have them. As I said, you just cannot put personalities together without having some difficulties.

01:03:24

There will be some disagreements. There just will be somewhere. But by dealing with it directly, you resolve it and you ease the pressure of it.

01:03:33

And that discharge of emotion as you share it as to why you're angry and what you're asking them to do for you and with you concerning that anger, that releases that pent up emotion and it gives you freedom to deal in a creative way with that old problem.

01:03:49

Now, it is immature to be driven along blindly by impulses that come in your life with no apparent choice involved in anything and just move right along with it.

01:04:00

And it's also most foolish to deny that it's there and to try to suppress it and hide it and act like we're not angry because it will fester.

01:04:09

It'll get in the heart and it becomes a deep root of bitterness. And it will show up in other ways and it'll be very difficult.

01:04:16

You have to start dealing with all this. A complex thing or you have to start dealing with a multiple problem situation as opposed here if you just deal with one.

01:04:25

Very quickly, let me mention another one that is so prevalent and that is depression. Depression has many forms.

01:04:30

This is an internal pressure. Now, this is usually a negative result of hostility. Depression is usually a negative form of hostility or we can use the word anger as a synonym for hostility.

01:04:42

Now, depression is the common cold, so to speak, of emotional problems. It can be as serious as a runny nose or it can go to the severe end of pneumonia.

01:04:55

It can be simple or serious, whichever way you want to say that. But you can never treat depression lightly into whichever form it may take.

01:05:03

It appears many times as self -pity. I mentioned to you the national anthem of Christians the other day. ♪

01:05:08

Nobody knows the troubles I see, nobody. ♪ And we just sit around here.

01:05:13

Here we go into this morbid attitude. Here I am. Nobody's coming to see me today. Well, nobody call me.

01:05:20

My husband, he doesn't worry. Well, I know he's out on the road in that truck but he doesn't call. I know he's out there in the middle of the ocean. I know he doesn't have a telephone but he's putting on a carrier pigeon.

01:05:28

He can do something. He can get me, you know, put in a bottle. Maybe it hit the land and somebody delivered it to him. Somehow or other, they ought to get to me.

01:05:34

And we just get the feeling that this pity just comes in. Self -pity is a mild form and the beginning of depression.

01:05:41

Or it could be masochistic self -punishment. Oh, I'm not talking about physical, but people begin to punish themselves.

01:05:48

They get down, they begin to criticize themselves. They begin to demand things of themselves that God doesn't even demand.

01:05:55

And they find all kinds of ways to punish themselves. They don't go anywhere. They won't invite anyone in.

01:06:02

They won't have anyone around. They don't go to any of the fellowships. They stop going to Sunday school. They stop going to church.

01:06:07

They're punishing themselves in self -pity. And it comes out into self -punishment.

01:06:14

Now, depression turns a person, when it hits the final point of what a psychiatrist or a psychologist would call depression, what it does, it turns a person inside world, it turns their world all black inside.

01:06:28

All black inside. And it will lead eventually to suicidal contemplation. It will eventually, if it isn't dealt with and dealt with quickly and properly, it will lead a person to the point of suicide.

01:06:40

And as I said the other day, Christians can become so depressed to the point where they can actually commit suicide.

01:06:48

Pastor was sharing with us one that I was not familiar with, but I'm gonna, he said there's information about it.

01:06:53

I'd like to read about a very famous character in Ireland named Willie Mullen. And he says one of the most famous preachers.

01:06:59

I was talking to one of the other men about this. Oh, yeah. And one of the men took a moment to share with me some things about this man's ministry.

01:07:06

Went all over the world. Tremendous Christian affecting lives, but killed himself. Depression, for whatever reason it comes.

01:07:14

Hostility, of course, is sin. No question. Hostility, anger, it is sin, yes.

01:07:20

Knowing that it's wrong to be angry, the Christian mistakenly turns around and just gives an open denial of it and says,

01:07:27

I am not angry. And that denial begins to eat within. And I don't deal with it, so what happens?

01:07:32

Ulcer. I'm not angry. Well, because I know I'm supposed to deal with it, but I don't know how to do it. So ulcer, tensions, colitis, headaches, depression.

01:07:44

Severe headaches. Many people have severe headaches. There are many reasons for them, of course. But a lot of people have them because they have anger in their heart, they have bitterness in their life, and they don't know what to do with it and won't recognize it and won't agree to it and won't admit to it.

01:07:55

So therefore, what? They have these headaches. Do you believe it's natural?

01:08:01

And we'll talk about it tomorrow. But do you believe it's natural if you just be walking down the street and you feel fine, all of a sudden you get a headache?

01:08:07

It's not natural. Supernatural. Supernatural.

01:08:12

Your body wasn't made to get a headache. You've been sitting around, feel fine, all of a sudden the pain shoots through your arm.

01:08:19

Grabbed your right arm, a pain just shot through your arm, you know? All of a sudden, you'd be sitting there, pain shoots through your kidney or your left.

01:08:25

Now, you tell me a doctor that will tell you a pain would shoot through your right muscle. 30 minutes later, it hits your right toe.

01:08:32

A few minutes later, your left ear will twitch. A little pain. It is not natural that pain flips around on your body that way, it is supernatural.

01:08:43

And it comes from the enemy himself. It can be stopped very quickly. We'll share that with you. But what I'm saying to you here, at this particular point, is these things begin to build up in the life if we don't recognize it's there and just admit, yes,

01:08:56

I'm angry. I am angry and may I share with you why I'm angry. I'll tell you why, man.

01:09:02

Here's what you did and I've asked you. Here it is, this just drives me up a wall. And go ahead and share it with me. It's not unchristian.

01:09:09

It's not what the scripture tells us, does it? The Bible says, let not the sun go down on your wrath. Well, how can the sun go down on you if you don't have it?

01:09:17

The word wrath is the word anger. Well, obviously, he's giving us away. What? Get it out, release those anger feelings and God cleanses a life when we recognize it's there and confess that it is there.

01:09:28

Confess your faults one to another. That's what the scripture says. And so God's able to cleanse that if we confess it and do not repress it and deny that it's even there.

01:09:40

And then very quickly, I'm wanting to get into some of the dating concepts here.

01:09:46

The last one of these is a lack of companionship. A lack of companionship. Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 4 .12,

01:09:54

a threefold cord is not easily broken. You take two strands to a cord, you can grab one in one hand, grab one in the other and just pull that thing apart, can't you?

01:10:02

But if it's got three, what you gonna do with the third one? Got three, gotta put them out, your teeth will jump out on the end of it, you know, that's it.

01:10:09

No, three cords is not easily broken. So a marriage is strong when the three cords bind it together.

01:10:15

What are the three cords of a marriage? Spiritual, physical and emotional part of that marriage is bound together.

01:10:25

When you begin to become one in those three areas. When a love relationship is developed into those three areas, which the

01:10:31

Apostle Paul talks about in Ephesians 4 .3 as the bonds of peace. The husband and wife who cannot find close companionship with each other, many times you find this because they didn't have a close relationship with their parents.

01:10:46

They weren't close to their brothers and sisters. So they have difficulty being a companion with their mate.

01:10:52

There are ministers. There are ministers who do not have intimacy with their own families.

01:10:59

They're close to the church family, they're very effective in the congregation. But you go into their home, their wives are starved for attention.

01:11:07

Their children hunger for that dad to spend some time with them. He would never show a public display of putting his arm around his wife and giving her a little peck on the cheek.

01:11:16

I mean, no, the son, the children, they are denied the intimacy of companionship from the dad, why?

01:11:21

Because of many reasons. And that's one of the reasons that the relationships of pastors and their wives suffer.

01:11:29

In the United States alone, 10 ,000 preachers a year get out of the ministry.

01:11:35

10 ,000 a year are getting out of the ministry of the varying denominations just in the

01:11:41

United States, just the United States. So what I'm saying to you is, whatever pressure may be in your marriage or anyone's marriage, not the pressures themselves, but again, as Brother Harold told them, it's our attitude towards them.

01:11:54

It is our response, our attitude towards those that will determine whether they have a destructive or constructive effect.

01:12:01

It's what we do with them and how we respond to them and how we look at them because the pressures will come. So what we need to do is recognize and admit that a situation exists.

01:12:10

Let's just recognize it and admit to ourselves and our spouses, this situation does exist. Face up to it realistically.

01:12:18

Face up to it realistically. Let's don't become pseudo -spiritual and act like we don't have any difficulties or problems at all.

01:12:25

If we have them, let's face up to it. Determine that with God's help, each person will do whatever is necessary with the help of the other to be a part of that solution instead of being part of the problem.

01:12:40

Being part of the solution as opposed to being part of the problem and then firm up the bonds of that marriage. Find out, are we together physically, emotionally, and spiritually?

01:12:49

Are we in tune here together? And then begin to deepen that relationship. Find ways to deepen the companionship.

01:12:56

Find ways to deepen the intimacy of the relationship. Find ways to deepen that relationship.

01:13:01

And these steps will relieve the intensity of many of the common pressures of marriage. Now, we have about eight minutes and I want to move, if I can, maybe, perhaps

01:13:15

I shall cover this tomorrow because I think it is important. I want to talk just briefly and give a comment or two concerning, switch over to young people, dating.

01:13:25

And all of us are going to be able to confront young people at one time or another. Many of you teach them. You have grandchildren.

01:13:32

You have other people's children come to you. And one of the big things is going steady. And we all have experienced that at one time in life.

01:13:40

But usually I share with parents, I said, okay, if your kid comes to you, and we just had a family friend of ours and this young lady, she's 16, and she just went through this great crisis of her first love.

01:13:50

And it was so traumatic because the boy was supposed to be a Christian, claimed to be one, and everybody liked him, but his life outside the church in a way was the exact opposite.

01:14:00

But this little girl just fell for him, hook, line, and sinker, so to speak, and she really felt like she loved him.

01:14:05

And in her way, she did. And of course, you can call it puppy love, but it's real to the puppy, isn't it? I mean, whatever we want to call it, it's real to them.

01:14:13

And it may not be real, well, no, you don't understand real love. They don't know any other kind but the one they got right then and there.

01:14:19

So we can never criticize that. So I said, well, now what do you mean about going steady? Does that mean that you're in love right now and you're planning on getting married?

01:14:26

This is the guy you're going to marry? I mean, you're going to spend your life with him? Well, no, I didn't say that. Well, why are you going steady?

01:14:31

I mean, is it security? Are you afraid you can't get any other dates? I mean, you don't think anybody else will, well, no, I believe I can get out of there. Well, why do you want to go steady?

01:14:38

I said, may I share with you a few of the problems of going steady? I said, one of the very ready problems is that you're going to be constantly together.

01:14:47

Oh, boy, that'd be great. But let me share something with you that's going to happen. You're going to begin to feel fenced in because people are going to go to a lot of places and he's not going to want to go or she's not going to want to go and your friend's going to want to go and they're not going to go over there and you're going to feel fenced in.

01:15:01

Somebody's going to call you and say, can you go so -and -so with me? And you can't go because you hadn't called and checked in with your steady yet.

01:15:07

And if you go without telling, you're in trouble. And then another problem is other people become strangers to you.

01:15:15

All your other friends are going to become strangers to you. Not just those of your own sex, but those of the opposite sex.

01:15:21

They are going to become strangers to you. And you see what's going to happen is you're going to go to the same places and you're going to see the same people and you're going to do the same things.

01:15:32

And you're going to do that over and over and over. And this really ought to be a time of developing your life.

01:15:39

You ought to be developing your personality. You ought to be learning and seeing and feeling and experiencing all the,

01:15:45

I mean, you ought to broaden your horizon. You ought to be learning what's out there in the world. I mean, you ought to be doing all these different things, sports, activities, whatever you want to do, but you're going to hem yourself in and you're only going to go the same place.

01:15:57

Every time you go, you're going to do it. And there'll be no variance in your life whatsoever. And then you're going to begin to take each other for granted in many areas of your relationship.

01:16:07

You're going to take each other for granted and you're going to get hurt because you're just going to assume he's going to be there or you're going to assume she's going to be there.

01:16:14

And you're going to just cancel all your plans. You're not going to do anything. And you're going to call and all of a sudden they're gone.

01:16:21

They're not there. Well, they're supposed to be there. What you see, they decided to go off with their cousin or their nephew or their niece or something.

01:16:28

And they'd gone somewhere and they didn't check in with you about that. Taking each other for granted. And then one of the other problems is going steady.

01:16:35

And you may not see it right now, but sooner or later down the line, a goodnight kiss is no longer enough because you are together all the time and it is not going to suffice.

01:16:46

You're going to see each other day after day after day, month after month, week after week, year after year if it continues on.

01:16:55

And so we caution them, don't go steady right now. 15, 16, and 17, don't go steady now.

01:17:06

Don't do it. Now they do it anyway, but tell them don't. Most of them are going to, but caution them.

01:17:12

Caution and then pray much. And then of course they come to you sometimes if they're able to do so and that's the problem of we call it petting, which refers rather indiscriminately to embracing, kissing, fondling, all types of physical intimacy between the sexes, whether it's mild or intense and whether it's an expression of a sincere affection, whether they really feel something on there or it's just an emotional debauch without any respect or anything else involved, that's just a word that we use for it.

01:17:44

So the questions are, well what if everyone else does do it? What if everyone else does do it?

01:17:50

What if it is expected of you? What if one does get labeled about this?

01:17:58

Does that make the difference? No. Let me ask you another question. Where does a Christian get their moral attitude?

01:18:05

Do they get it from what other people say? What if everyone's doing it? No, you don't get your moral attitude from that.

01:18:11

Now usually what happens is with a couple, a young couple, talking about just young people, who get caught up into this act of petting, it's usually because there's a lack of will or a lack of ability or either the lack of initiative to really plan some wholesome activities.

01:18:28

With Christian young people. I was speaking at a church in another state, in the states in the southeastern part of the

01:18:36

United States as opposed to the state of Texas, and I was speaking at a Christian school there and I was just standing inside waiting on the pastor to come out and I looked out the window and there was a teenage boy and a teenage girl and boy, they were in a thick embrace and well,

01:18:50

I mean, you know, there wasn't really, but they were just kissing and I mean, they were really going at it and they were hid behind the building and I was just standing there watching and I was just looking and this little girl and this little boy, he was just leaning and she just had her arms around him and boy, they were just in this loving embrace and all of a sudden, she lifted her eyes and I was just standing there looking and you never seen the look of horror.

01:19:08

I mean, it was as if somebody drove a spear into her heart. And so I went out and I spoke to them and I said, now,

01:19:16

I noticed your reaction to me. I said, now, what do you think I'm going to do about that?

01:19:22

What do you think I should do? She said, you're going to think that's what you're going to do. You're going to go tell the pastor, I know you're going to do it.

01:19:27

You're going to go tell Dr. Armstrong what I'm doing. I said, what do you think I should? No, no, no.

01:19:34

I said, you think I should tell your parents? No. I said, now, okay, let me explain something to you. I am the visiting speaker here.

01:19:39

I'm a guest here. I've been here three or four years in a row. You know me and I know you. You've been in this school and you know who

01:19:45

I am. You know what I believe. You know what I profess to believe and you know what I stand for as best

01:19:50

I can. Now, do you think for me to be honest with my conscience in God, what should

01:19:57

I do? She said, you'd have to go tell him, won't you? I said, well, what do you think?

01:20:03

If you tell me don't, I'll consider what you say. Now, both of them just think for a minute and that's when

01:20:10

I got me a drink and come back. He said, yeah, we better go with you. We better go with you. So I went in and told him.

01:20:17

And later on, the pastor said, we've had problems with him every encampment, everything. Those two just go at it all the time. And we're having problems with them.

01:20:24

But you know, that kid, you'd think that they'll turn you off, but never. They'd speak to me. I mean, you know, I thought, boy,

01:20:29

I've lost him. No, uh -uh. They'd speak, hey, Rock, how you doing? Talk. But now, they never were in the little cupboard again.

01:20:36

I mean, you never see. They'd stay away from that thing. They'd probably found them another place, but they'd go back in there. But it's because, you know, many things happen.

01:20:44

So they're going to get caught up in it even though they're Christians many, many times. And the most prevalent argument that they will give you is it is a part of the maturing process.

01:20:53

We do it because it's a part of the maturation process, or it's an essential phase of preparation for marriage.

01:20:59

That's the one common answer that they all give you wherever you go. And what this is, this suggests that a couple cannot know whether they're suited for one another unless there are physical expressions of their love one for another.

01:21:12

If it's not physically expressed, then they can't know it. And you know all the little cliches that are thrown in with this.

01:21:18

And that same line of reasoning is used in dealing with premarital relations, or even extra -marital relations.

01:21:27

Well, I got to know what life is all about. So what we do with a young person, we don't criticize them for doing it.

01:21:35

We let them know we understand what they're doing. Don't say, well, now, when my mom and dad wouldn't.

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No, don't do that, no. What we want to do is talk to them about the positive and the negative side.

01:21:47

What's going to happen if you continue? And what can happen? And then show them some positive, creative, constructive ways that they can have a super relationship, they can have an exciting date life, they can have an exciting walk in life without doing those things.

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Help them see the dangers, the disadvantages, as well as the advantages, and help them make the right decision.

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And I'll promise you, if they know you're not critical, and if they know that we're loving, and that we really do want to help them make the right decisions, it's amazing how they'll respond.

01:22:22

But if I go to them with a whip, and if I go to them, you know, with a black jacket in one hand, the

01:22:28

Bible in the other, they're not going to respond. I don't respond that way, and you don't either.

01:22:34

You don't either. And so this is what we want to do. Just some thoughts to think about.

01:22:41

I have some others I want to share with you, and our time is gone. I'll pick this up tomorrow because it's important.

01:22:48

I want us to look at some dangers that occur in dating. And with this problem, look at three basic questions, three tests that you can give them that'll help you involve them in a good thinking process.

01:23:03

Three tests in petting or intimate relationships with their date, three tests. I'll give you some guidelines that you can give a daughter especially.

01:23:11

That, I mean, it'll free, if you can get her confidence and get her to do it, I guarantee it'll freeze every guy she's ever around.

01:23:17

It works every time if she'll just do it. I mean, it sends the guy thinks she's crazy, but it'll work, it'll work.

01:23:24

And we'll give you those tests and that you can give them concerning these matters.

01:23:30

And then some guidelines for disciplining young people tomorrow. Some guidelines for disciplining children and young people.

01:23:37

And of course, we don't always recommend the rob. We can't spare the rob. There are times to use the rob, times to use other ways.

01:23:43

You gotta be creative. And then tomorrow, we'll look at 12 steps to guard your son or daughter from moral impurity.

01:23:51

Seven steps we can follow that will give us a great, it's not 100 % cure, but I promise you, in most of the cases, it will keep them from falling into moral impurity.

01:24:02

And then we'll give you a spiritual project for the dad and daughter. I had hoped this week that,

01:24:08

I don't know, I'll think about it and pray about this. Some were asking me questions about the age of accountability.

01:24:14

When does that happen with children? How do we deal with this thing about the age of accountability with children, dealing with them with the

01:24:19

Lord? Whether or not we'll be able to get into that, I'm not sure. I have some information on prevention of divorces and so forth, and you're not in danger of that, so we may can bypass that.

01:24:30

And maybe we can get into this other area of spiritual warfare. But if we don't, I will at least give you some information where you can get information yourself concerning this matter of spiritual warfare, that we can get the information into your hands so that you can prepare your heart and your life and your family and your church and so forth of understanding what the enemy does.

01:24:53

Let's stand together and be dismissed. You're a most gracious people. We're grateful to you.

01:24:59

I'm certainly grateful for the privilege of being here amongst you. And it's been a delight, a challenge to me, to my heart and my life.

01:25:07

I've learned so much from you. I always learn from people that I'm around. And I never leave a place that my life isn't changed in so many, many different ways.

01:25:17

And it's just great to be around God's people. And let's pray together. Baruch atah

01:25:27

Adonai Eloheinu melech ha -cholam. Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe.

01:25:33

In Yeshua ha -Mashiach, Baruch Hashem. Through Jesus, our Messiah, the Savior, the

01:25:39

Christ, who has the blessed name. Through the

01:25:45

Qureshiroch, the Holy Spirit himself, I thank you for the privilege of approaching the throne of grace.

01:25:55

In the frailty of human flesh, in the futility of the human life, you have given us the joy and the privilege of being born again.

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You've helped us to change our lives. You help us day by day to make the proper decisions.

01:26:15

Father, I want to especially thank thee for each heart and each life that is here at this moment.

01:26:22

I thank you for all that they are to you. I thank you for what they mean to the kingdom of God.

01:26:29

I pray, Father, that you would bless the husbands and the wives, those who could not be with us, those who do not have their mate.

01:26:36

Would you encourage their heart? Father, dear pastor, I pray that you'd bless him as he travels and bring him back safely.

01:26:44

Amongst us, pray, Father, for the children, the young people that belong to these families and to this church, that you'd keep a wall around them, keep their minds safe, and keep them protected from the wiles of the enemy.

01:26:58

Father, I just praise and thank you for the blood of Christ. I thank you for the cross of Calvary.

01:27:04

I thank you, Father, for salvation. And, Father, we thank you for the hope, for the truth, the fact, for the anticipation, the excitement that comes to our heart.

01:27:14

We think about that even this day, that shout may come from the skies, and we as Christian people will be caught up to meet our

01:27:23

Lord in the air, never again to part, to be with his presence throughout all eternity.

01:27:31

What a hope. What a joy. What a peace. And in the midst of marriage turmoils, in the midst of the trials and the tribulations of the world, we thank you that there is peace in the middle of the storm.

01:27:43

We ask thy blessing upon Dr. Paul as he speaks to us this evening. Give us receptive hearts and minds that we might see and hear the things that the

01:27:50

Spirit would say to us that would help us to become the effective Christians you want us to be. Bless our lives, we pray.

01:27:57

May they please you. May they honor you. May they glorify you. May they magnify the

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Lord Jesus. And we'll thank you for the privilege. Through Christ our Lord we pray. Amen.