TLP 136: Do You Really Want to Be Their Friend? | the requirement of befriending your kids

I suggest you latch onto just one of these concepts. Don't try to dominate them all. Pour all of your resources and energy into just one, and when you start to get a handle on one of these applications, try to add another.

The Cultural Failure of Parents as Friends

Welcome to Truth. Love.

Parents.

Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents. Here's your host, A .M. Brewster.

It's so good to be reconnecting with you. I hope you're eagerly anticipating what the Lord has planned for us and our parenting. Today's topic is significant, and if we truly grasp it, our parenting will never be the same.

And if you're just connecting with us for the first time, please let me welcome you and invite you to check out our podcast from the very beginning. Our content is Evergreen, our message is God's eternally relevant Word, and what we do here is not just beneficial or helpful for your parenting because I'm part of it.

No, it's simply God's Word allowed free reign to inform and empower our parenting. So I hope your journey with us is a blessing to you and your family. Okay, so during the 90s, there was this huge push among secularists for parents to be their kids' friends.

Well, like everything else in our culture, it was preached through every medium you can imagine, but especially through sitcoms and children's programming. In these shows, moms and dads were stripped of their authority and reduced to older, generally incompetent versions of the child's other friends.

And it's not like the parents wanted their authority anyway. TV parents were more than happy to abdicate their authority right up until the point where the child's behavior negatively affected the parent.

Well, then the dictator walked in. Of course, the show would end with the parents apologizing for being too harsh and the child fulfilling the role of the persecuted hero. Well, thankfully, due to the fact that the world's version of a parent slash friend was a complete and utter failure philosophy, the whole concept is being rejected by modern parents and professionals.

Of course, that doesn't really mean anything. Penduluming is as much a cultural tendency as it is the individual's tendency. What one generation did two decades ago is likely to be rejected this decade, and more often than not, what was just rejected will be accepted in another decade or two.

Put the baby on her tummy.

No, no, no.

Put her on her back. It's okay. Doctors say tummy sleeping is the best. You're a bad parent if you don't lay your kid on its back, and so on. And this is what you'd expect for three reasons. Number one, the pendulum often happens due to ignorance.

This is the reason a philosophy or practice that was rejected because it wasn't any good, but then later accepted because everyone else alive didn't realize that it was a bad idea. This is the result of not studying history.

This is why the Israelites always turned to God, and then a generation later, they left.

Him.

This is why millennials are so entranced with socialism. They don't do their research. Number two, the pendulum also happens due to rebellion. Sometimes people know how wrong a philosophy or course of action is, but they want what they want, and they don't care what they need to do to get it.

And three, sometimes the pendulum occurs because two ideas have equal merit, but one side has a better advertiser. The tummy time advocates were annoyed by the back liars and got their game together the next year by rolling out a new website and podcast series, you know?

So when it came to the parent slash friend dynamic of the 90s, I think the pendulum swung in the opposite direction because people saw that it just didn't work. Adults who grew up with parents who acted more like friends than parents didn't respect their parents and don't want that same issue with their kids.

And professionals who researched these things realized it was unhealthy for family relationships as well. So, today, if you Google this subject, you'll find a bunch of people telling you not to be their friend.

But you'll also find a segment of the articles telling you that it can be done, it just needs to be done the right way. Well, with this lengthy introduction out of the way, let's ask the really important question, what does God have to say on the subject?

Friendship, Love, and Obedience in John 15

Well, first, let's start by acknowledging that nowhere in scripture are parents commanded to be their children's friends. And their role is very clearly defined as parent. I think it's safe to say that the biblical role of the parent has been the content of every episode on TLP.

We kind of talk about that a lot. Well, second, we need to acknowledge that all Christians are called to love everyone. And if you didn't start our love study at the very beginning, I encourage you to start with that back in episode 126.

And third, the Bible tells us that love and friendship go hand in hand. And with that, I want to take you to John 15. I'm going to read John 15 verses 12 through 17 and comment on it as we go. In chapter 15, Jesus is giving his kind of final commands to his disciples before he's betrayed and crucified.

And he said, this is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Talk about a high standard, we could unpack that sentence for weeks. But Jesus does us a favor by drilling down to the most basic mindset of this love he's describing.

He said, greater love has no one than this, that someone laid down his life for his friends. Now we've heard this verse a hundred times, but do we get it? First we have Jesus using a superlative to describe a love that is greater than all others.

Second, the greatest love involves dying for someone else. And third, that someone else is our friends. The implications are many, but here are just two. Number one, we will never have the greatest love until we die for another.

Now that may sound extreme and some of you may be hoping you never get to experience the greatest love, but it's not that easy. We're going to talk about this concept a lot more later in the episode. And number two, this idea of friend must be much broader than our current cultural definition.

I don't think Jesus is saying that dying for a friend from church or from your bowling league is somehow greater than dying for a family member. I think the reality is that the term friend can apply to more people than we generally think.

So let's continue with the verse. It says, you are my friends. Here we go. He's going to define it for us. If you do what I command you. Now there were ever a definition of a friend that doesn't fit our modern view, I think this is it.

Imagine getting together with your girlfriends and one of them says to you, you're such a good friend. And you reply, you are my friends. If you do what I command you.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, anyway, I just want to make three observations. One, this is Jesus talking specifically to his followers. By the way, that includes us. He's talking to us here. He's God. Any relationship with him is going to require obedience.

Two, your best friends are going to be people who obey God. And you cannot be a good friend if you're not obeying God. And three, do you think that if this definition of friend can apply to the creator of the universe and his creations?

God is saying, you are my friend. I am your friend. Do you think that can apply to a parent and his children?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so. We'll get back to this momentarily. Jesus continues and says, no longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing, but I have called you friends for all that I have learned from my father, I have made known to you.

Again, he continues to define friend. We see that the definition just again, breaking our molds. Now, his friends are not only those who obey him, but people to whom he has revealed his father. And he finishes this section by saying, you did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide so that whatever you ask the father in my name, he may give it to you.

These things I command you so that you will love one another. Our friendship with Christ has some fantastic benefits, including being chosen by God, bearing fruit and being blessed of the father. And he wraps up all of this by reminding us that we need to love each other just like he loved us by dying for us.

Of course, at this point, he hadn't died for them and they didn't realize he was going to, but I love how he just laid out the gospel for them. He says, I love you. The greatest love involves dying for friends.

You're my friend because you obey me and you know my father. I love you with the greatest love. Therefore, by implication, I'm going to die for you. And he finishes it off by saying, and my love will shower you with eternal spiritual blessings.

It is beautiful. Now, 1 John 3, 16 through 18 says, by this we know love. How do we know love? That he, referring to Jesus, laid down his life for us. If he hadn't died for us, we wouldn't even know what true love is.

And then he continues with an uncomfortable application that says, because we now know love, quote, we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers, unquote. So with the rest of our time, I want to discuss these vital questions.

Number one, how does a parent be a parent and a friend without sacrificing either relationship? Or we could ask it this way. How does God want parents to love their kids? And number two, is dying for our children the only way to possess the greatest love for our children?

How Parents Can Be Both Parents and Friends

Okay, so number one, how does a parent be a parent and a friend without sacrificing either relationship? How does God want us loving our kids? Well, there are so many ways to answer this question. So I'm going to limit myself to the John 15 passage with which we started.

First of all, please realize that you must be both their parent and their friend, but the biblical definition for both of these words are not at odds. The world looks at a friend one way and they look at a parent in the exact opposite way.

That's why the 90s parent-friend experiment failed. They wanted to create something that didn't exist. It was impossible in their mind to have a parent-friend because one of them had to give up their roles.

The parents who took the world's advice substituted their parental role for the role of a high school classmate. Well, that's not at all to what God's calling us. There is absolutely nothing about being a friend that should detract from being a parent.

I don't want to take too much time talking about here because I have a serious plan for the future where I detail biblical friendship and how we can encourage our kids to have the right friends. And I want to present it all in a way that you and your kids can study it together like we did with the three family loves.

But for now, we do have to acknowledge that friendship is not always mutual and that a friend has true love. Two very important things that will constrain all that a friend does. Okay, so with that said, number two, verse 14 tells us that your children are your friends when they obey.

Now, this is not a point I need to flesh out too much here, but I do want to say that just because your children are being friends to you doesn't mean that you're being a friend to them because friendship is not always mutual.

Number three, verse 15 illustrates that you are your child's friend when you reveal God to them. Jesus said that a servant doesn't know what his master is doing. Your parenting, in many ways, should be transparent to your children.

If your parenting is all about God, why would you hide that from them anyway? You know, too often we're tempted to say things like, because I told you to. Well, because at that moment, our parenting was about us and not God, and we didn't really want to tell our kids that.

There are plenty of passages to which to turn when your children are disobeying. Rarely do you need to default to because I said so. And four, verse 16 tells us that you are your child's friend when you choose to help them grow in their relationship with God.

This includes evangelism parenting like we discussed in episodes 9, 45, 63, and 111, but it also includes all the parenting you do after your child is born again as you help them be conformed to the image of Christ.

And number five, verse 13 tells us that you are your child's friend when you lay down your life for them. I save this one for last because I want to explain it thoroughly. What does it mean to lay down your life for a friend?

Well, obviously, sacrificing your life for someone else is the ultimate show of love. There's nothing more precious or permanent than dying for someone. There's nothing you could do that would be less selfish, that would definitely fall into the category of outdoing each other in honor and preferring others above yourself.

And that's exactly what Jesus did for us. He gave everything. He left heaven, became a man, but not any man. He became a poor carpenter's son who was born to manger. He lived a rude and mean life. He didn't have riches and acclaim, and even his popularity was mostly abusive.

For 33 years, He submitted to His own creation and at the end allowed them to torture Him. He suffered separation from His Father and eventually gave up His life to and for His creation. There is no more powerful display of love.

Because even if we did something similar, even if we threw ourselves in front of our children, our love ends. But Jesus rose from the grave. He conquered death and will love His children for all eternity.

And because of that, 1 John 3 16 reveals,. But I believe there's more than we can do to love our children with this greatest of loves. So as we move to the second main question for the day, is dying for our children the only way to possess the greatest love for our kids, let's flesh out this concept of laying down our lives.

Laying Down Your Life in Everyday Parenting

A few episodes ago, I mentioned that it's interesting husbands will say that they take a bullet for their spouses, but they won't change a dirty diaper for them. Sorry guys, it makes the bullet story a little hard to swallow.

To be fair, most of us probably would take a bullet for our wives. But do you realize that it would likely be easier to take a bullet? In the moment, with only one clear option, with the adrenaline pumping, the Holy Spirit working and no time to think, I believe that many people become the best versions of themselves.

But when we're home from work and we're tired and it's not a life or death situation, we take too long to think. It's so much harder to prefer our wives over us when it comes to chores or dirty diapers or disciplining the children.

And then we fail to lay down our life for her. If I'm really going to lay down my life, how on earth can I justify not laying down everything else? Now, we already read 1 John 3 16, but I want to read it again.

By this we know love, that he lay down his life for us and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But it continues in verse 17 like this. But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?

Little children, let us not love in word or talk, but in deed and in truth. Did you see that? The rest of the verse says that God's love, the same love that sacrifices itself for us, would have seen a brother in need and opened his heart to the needy one and met his need.

True love doesn't just say, I take a bullet. True love manifests itself in word and deed. So the question I have for you is this. Do you really want to be your child's friend? Are you ready to lay down your life?

This is more than paying for their clothes and food and shelter. God's calling you to more than merely putting them in a good school. This is more than homeschooling them. God is demanding that you do more than drive them to endless practices and rehearsals.

God himself wants you to lay down your life at every turn, in every moment, forever and always. I believe this is part of the fulfillment in Romans 12 .1. I appeal to you, therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

Now, here's the tension that must be walked with all of this, and I believe it's a kind of a three-way pull. On one side, you have the reality that nothing is your own. No time, no money, no desires, no plans.

This has been a huge lesson that God's been just kind of hammering into my life. The past four years, it all belongs to God, and it's all part of his plan as you steward the family he gave you. Now, this flies in the face of the dictator and the judge parents, of which I tend to go back and forth between those quite a bit.

At the same time, you must have high biblical expectations for your family. You mustn't allow them to selfishly walk all over you. But again, you mustn't do this selfishly. When you parent your children to respond to you correctly, respectfully and lovingly, it must be motivated by the fact that you want nothing more than your children's best interest, and that best interest is their obedience and submission to Christ.

And this contradicts the natural tendencies of the doormat parent and the joker parent. Now, real quick, if you've not heard me talk about the doormat and the dictator and so on and so forth, you can learn all about these parents in episode 26, the fifth parent, the only parenting style that glorifies God.

And the third piece of tension is the fact that you do, in fact, need some things in order to fulfill God's best interest for you. Ryan Hummel, a man I very much respect and consider a dear friend, once said, sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is sleep.

It does not glorify God when the dictator and doormat stretch themselves so far that they're no good to their families. As an example of this, I love that David Platt recently announced that he's stepping down from his role at the mission board in order to devote his time to the pastorate.

He knew his limits, and he realized he surpassed them. This is preaching right to me. It's so easy for me to overextend myself, and that does not glorify God. So you see that the three-way tension is to realize that I must give my all, but wisely not give too much.

Expect everything from my family while balancing an equal amount of grace, discipline, counsel, and assistance, and care for myself but not for myself as I train my children to love others, including me, but not for my own sake.

This, I think, is the single most difficult task. Paul encouraged the churches to follow him as he followed Christ. To be able to teach your children to imitate you, but not because you like it. To instruct your children to obey and respect you, but only because God is who he says he is.

To require your children to learn how to love and care for you without a hint of selfishness, but solely because it's what's best for your children in God's perfect plan. It's teaching your children how to relate biblically to you without you thinking about you.

And again, this may just be the highest form of laying down your life that you could possibly do without actually losing your life. So let's take our final moments to give some practical applications and examples that you can work on today.

But please understand this is a gigantic concept. My friend Mark Massey and I were talking yesterday about the reality that the knowledge of truth is far easier to collect than the practicality of love is to live.

It's easy to know, but it's not always easy to do. So I suggest you latch on to just one of these concepts. Don't try to dominate them all. Pour all your resources and energy into just one, and when you start to get a handle on one of these applications, try to add another.

Practical Ways to Lay Down Your Life

All right, here we go. Number one, sometime today you'll be faced with a conflict. You'll be planning to do one thing, and one or more of your family members will ask you to invest your time in a different way.

Do what they want you to do. You lay down your schedule for your friend. Lay down your claim on your life at that moment. Number two, we're in tax season. If you have some money coming in from a return, give careful thought to any ideas you may have about spending on yourself.

What's the best way you can lay down your wallet for your family? Give up your right to your life. Number three, here's an easy one. Consider laying down your movie preference on movie night. Give up your entitlement to your life in that movie time.

Number four, at some point this week, you're going to be asked to inconvenience yourself. And this is a bigger deal than merely a difference in opinion or making a schedule change. I'm talking about you're going to find yourself in a situation where preferring others in love is going to be a genuine inconvenience.

Well, inconvenience yourself. Lay down your convenience and lay down your hold to your life. What about laying down your food preferences? What about laying down your right to decide what music everyone listens to in the car?

Lay down your assumptions about your life and how it has to be. And number six, and let's end with another really big one. Lay down your selfish desire to parent without God. In fact, don't just lay this one down, throw it away, burn it, murder it.

When we parents worshipfully present our bodies as a living sacrifice to God, one of the first things to burn up is parenting for self. Parenting in our own power and parenting for our own purposes. In fact, this biblical reality is so true that if you are parenting in your own power for your own purposes in your own way, then you can know for certain that you're not laying yourself down as a sacrifice to anyone but yourself, let alone God.

Loving your kids so much that you would lay down your life for them will work itself out in your being the ambassador parent you need to be. You will have high biblical expectations for yourself, and you will have high biblical expectations for your kids.

We need to lay down our selfishness and our cowardice in our parenting. We need to release our all-encompassing delusional control over our lives. They're not our own. We've been bought with a price.

So lay down your life for your friend. Now, one last super important point. When you find yourself in a situation like the ones we just outlined, beg God to help you make that decision for Christ and not for some hedonistic selfish purposes.

Remember that three-way tension? You're going to be tempted to do the right thing for the wrong reasons. We must not do any of this because we want our kids to think we're awesome. And here's the big one.

Don't you dare do it because you want to feel like a martyr. That's what doormats do. I'm not encouraging all the dictators and judges and jokers out there to become doormats. We all need to be ambassadors.

And seriously, if you haven't listened to The Fifth Way to Parent in episode 26, you really need to. In fact, we all need to re-listen to it. I need to listen to it again. That two-part episode steps through the only parenting style that glorifies God, and it outlines each of our biggest struggles in parenting.

So instead of being a martyr or a manipulator, take it as a premeditated intentional opportunity to lay down your life for Christ and for your family out of true love. And lastly, maybe one of the best ways that you can be a blessing to someone else's family is to share this episode.

Who doesn't need this truth? Hopefully today's episode notes will be helpful for you. You can find the link in the description. And don't miss our next episode. Why do our children love what they love?

And how do we teach them to love other things? Well, that's the topic next time when we discuss, what are you teaching your kids to love?

I'll see you then.

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We'd love to be a blessing. So, do you really want to be your child's friend? I hope so. But are you ready to do it the right way? God has the plan and the power you need to lay down your life for Him and others.

See you next time.

Truth. Love. Parents is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent. Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.