The Denominations Host "The Scary Universe" Podcast

Interdenominational Podcast Contest and Bigfoot Banter

Welcome to our first interdenominational podcast. Recently, an important contest has been going on to try to determine the best Christian podcast, and it looks like next we're going to be up against the Haunted House Bros.

You're talking about those guys who think Bigfoot's a Nephilim, right? That's the ones. Actually, I think Bigfoot was a Nephilim. Of course you do. Hey man, if you love Jesus, you're going to believe Bigfoot's a Nephilim.

Alright, let's get back on track. I thought a way we might could beat those fellas at their own game is if each of us tell our favorite scary stories from our own denominations. Alright, I'll go first.

I once spent a weekend in a really small town and they only had one Presbyterian church, and it was PC USA. Is that all? Well, also all the stores in town didn't sell alcohol on Sunday, so it was the worst weekend ever.

Someone's got to have a real scary story. Come on, this is a contest. Ooh, ooh, ooh. My turn. My turn. I saw a beast rising up out of the sea with 10 horns and seven heads with 10 diadems on its horns and blasphemous names on its heads.

Bro, you're literally just reading Revelation.

Right now.

Left Behind, Patriarchy, and Denominational Horror Stories

Well, we can sum up my scary story in two words. Left behind. Well, I can sum up my horror story in one word. Patriarchy. Guys, check it out. Just a few weeks ago, the hardline internet went down at our main campus, and so all of our satellite campuses lost the feed, and each of those had to have their campus pastors preach the sermon.

And have you ever heard those guys preach? Talk about scary. I got a story about a guy baptized on a horse. That actually sounds awesome. Okay, guys, I have an actual horror story from Germany. Maria Renata Singer von Musso was a nun, and she joined a Bavarian convent in the 18th century.

While she was there, the other nuns began to fall violently ill and begin to complain of visions of demons and devils. Eventually, the leadership began to investigate, and they went to Musso's room, and they found in their strange robes and even some poisons that she had hidden away.

And come to find out, at a young age, she said that she had sold her soul to the devil. So the leadership convicted her of heresy and witchcraft, and they took her out and she was beheaded and burned.

Hey, if you're going to start talking about the devil getting into somebody, we're going to be here all night, because that happens about three times a week at my church. I still think we should talk about Bigfoot.

No, no, no, we're not doing Bigfoot. The Scary House Bros already did that. We need something unique to us. Well, if you really want to get to the heart of the matter, the scariest story in the world is any church that lacks superior theology.

Vote for the Dead Men Walking Podcast

Okay, guys, you got us through the first two rounds of the Dead Men Walking Podcast competition, but this next one's going to be an uphill climb. We're going head-to-head against Haunted Cosmos. I know it's going to be tough, but with your help, we can do this.

Understand, if we win this, we're probably going to go head-to-head with James White in the dividing line, and if I beat him, I'm going to make him watch me eat a cheeseburger. But for real, if you love your mama, go to X, go to the Dead Men Walking Podcast page, and vote for your Calvinist podcast in the next round.

And remember, Donald and Connell are watching, so do it now.

Vote for Patrick Keith Foskey

Okay, Patrick, so we understand that there's some sort of contest going on. Yeah, Patrick, and that the guy who gets the most votes in the contest is gonna win. So we think that you should vote for Patrick Patrick, which we recognize is not helpful.

So we'll try to narrow it down for you. There are a lot of Patricks competing, but you shouldn't vote for the other Patricks. You should vote for Patrick Patrick. Yeah, we'll help you out here. It's the one, K-E-I-T-H, that's how you spell his first name, which is Patrick, and then the last name, F-O-S-K-E-Y.

That's Patrick, so Patrick Patrick. You should vote for him. Do it, or else all your loved ones will die. Granted, all of your loved ones still will die, regardless of whether or not you vote for him, but you should do it anyways, or your loved ones will die by our hand.