TLP 333: The 5 Types of Parents | Dr. Joe Martin interview, Part 1

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00:01

And so, if my son was on the show with you today right now, you said, what do you think of your dad,

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Kendall? He said, oh, my dad's jacked up. Yeah, that's what he'll tell you. And you said, really?

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And he said, yeah. He said, however. Welcome to Truth. Love. Parents.

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Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents. Here's your host,

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A .M. Brewster. I've been waiting for this day for a long time. Two years ago this month,

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I had the supreme privilege of joining Dr. Joe Martin on his podcast, the number one iTunes podcast for Christian men,

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Real Men Connect. It was a blast. We talked about the five ways to better understand your child, and Joe did what he always does so well.

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He drew out of me the story of how the Lord had led me to Victory Academy for Boys and the eventual creation of Truth.

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Love. Parent. Ever since that interview, I've been longing for an opportunity to have him on the show.

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Of course, with my previous schedule at Victory Academy, I found it extremely difficult to have special guests on the show, and some of you may have noticed how few we've recently had.

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Well, now that I'm investing full time into Truth. Love. Parent, I want to get as many other God -loving, experienced individuals in on the discussion as we can.

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This season alone, I plan to have at least four special guests join me, and I'm honored that Dr. Joe Martin gets to be the first special guest of TLP's new phase of ministry.

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Joe has a fantastic testimony, which will be unwrapped, I believe, over the course of this episode and the next episode.

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He's the creator and the director of Real Men Connect, which is a ministry dedicated to helping men become the best husbands, fathers, and leaders that they can be.

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His favorite slogan, and I listen to him say it every time, I don't know about you, but sometimes you're listening to a podcast, and you get to the end, you know what they're going to say, and you just kind of stop it there, you skip to the next one.

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And I always listen to Joe end his show with, we are males by birth, but we are men by choice.

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So each and every day, choose to be the man God called and created you to be. And I listen to it because that's what we need.

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We need to be intentional, we need to be premeditated, and that's his call to us, to be the men, to be the moms, to be the parents that God called and created us to be.

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Now you ladies may be wondering, is this going to be a boys -only episode? No, ma 'am, that could not be further from the truth.

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Joe recently did a podcast series called Man's Greatest Challenge as part of the Real Men Check -In. He later turned that material into a blog post called

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The Five Types of Men. But I asked him a few months ago if he'd be interested in coming on the show and build out those five concepts and apply them to dads and moms.

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So that's why he's here today. It's for all of us. It's the men and the women. So without any further ado, please welcome

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Dr. Joe Martin. I'm Aaron. I'm glad to be talking with you about this very, very important topic, man.

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Thank you so much for having me as a guest. Now, I know I just mentioned it, but I want you to go ahead and share your heartbeat for your ministry.

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I want you to tell us about it in a way that I couldn't possibly because I want you to kind of share your passion for what it is you're doing and why you're doing it.

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I thought you did a great job, but I guess to summarize it the best way, I would just say that what we do at Real Men Connect, we help good men become great men, but we help them do it

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God's way, and we do it by helping them win at what matters most. You know, men love to win, so we help them win at what matters most, and to me, what matters most is their love relationship, not only with the

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Father in heaven, but also with their wife, obviously, the labor and what they do for a living and the work that they do, their leadership and how they lead and disciple and discipline their children, as well as the legacy, the legacy that they leave behind when they're gone.

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So that's what we do. We help Christian men win at what matters most. Now, I'll say of all the episodes

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I've listened to, one of the ones that sticks out in my mind the most is where you've called guys and some of your guests, he has special guests every week, and these men are so amazingly used by God, but you and these other men have called the men you're ministering to, to be involved in community.

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You talk about having your Paul, your Timothy, your Barnabas, and that has been so powerful for me because I think

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I fell into the same trap that lots of people fall into where we're trying to do it on our own, by ourselves, solo, and that never works.

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God didn't create us to work that way. So one of the ways that you've helped me to become a better man, maybe

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I'm not a great man just yet, but a better man has been specifically through that of encouraging me in community.

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So I want to thank you for that. You know, I tried to get men to understand that no good man has ever become a great man without the help of godly men, and Aaron, let me say that one more time because I think we can miss that, and you know, you said we're also talking to moms today too, but I will say the same that goes for moms too.

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No good man can become a great man without the help of godly men, and all you have to do is just look at history, look at the

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Bible, and what you'll see that behind every great godly man, there were some other godly men, and so men are only as strong as their team, and so that's why we always talk about community so much, what you're referring to, because a man is only as strong as his team.

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If you just think about it the simple way is if you were getting ready to move and relocate, I'm sure you can move your furniture yourself, but it'd be a lot easier to do it if you had a team of guys helping you move your furniture, wouldn't you think?

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So my thing is to get men to get into community so they can build their team, and the same applies for women as well.

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Amen. All right, now on your show, I just want you to know you do a great job of introducing your guests, and I kind of want to repay that kindness for you as well, but also maybe steal a blessing for ourselves in the process.

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For the listeners here, Joe always asks guys what their favorite Bible verses are. So I want to ask you,

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Joe, what specific Bible verse is God using to guide you in this particular season of your life?

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You know, right now my spiritual father would be laughing if he heard me tell you this, because every time

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I call him and I'm struggling or going through something, whether it be in my marriage, with my kids, in ministry, he always gives me the same advice, and he quotes this scripture, which is now the scripture that I'm sharing with you.

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That's why I say he'd laugh, is Matthew 6 .33. Matthew 6 .33. Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness.

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He's talking about God. Seek his kingdom and his righteousness, Joe Martin, and all things will be added unto you.

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Because to me, it's the answer to every problem I have and every

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God thing I desire. And I say he would laugh because I used to get mad at him because that's all he would tell me every time.

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Joe, seek him, Joe. You gotta seek him. And so, but I get it now. I understand now that it's the answer to every problem that I face and every

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God thing that I desire, and I challenge anyone out there to think about that for a second.

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Anything you want. All means everything. So anything I want, anything I desire, that is of God and of God's will.

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He says if you seek him first, his kingdom and his righteousness, he says he will give all those things to you.

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So that's the verse that I stand on in this season right now. Thank you. That was so encouraging for me, especially where I am.

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It's so easy now stepping into this full -time role in Truth Love Parent to get distracted by making

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TLP the thing or to seek first something else. But it needs to be about his kingdom and all things.

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Now another good thing that you do, an amazing thing I think you do as you interview your guests, is to really unfold their stories.

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In fact, you didn't let me off the hook when you had me on your show. You were asking me, and I was like, yeah, this is my story.

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And you're like, yeah, but Aaron, I'm not making the connection yet. I'm not really hearing how it is you got where you got.

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And you pushed me, and I'm so glad you did. Because when you do this, what it does is it unwraps their story, but specifically to see the threads of God's hand through all of it.

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And that's the beautiful part. So in a way, I want that from you too. Because this is all about God.

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And we want to remind people of that. And I want you to be able to share that. But I'm also going to do this a little bit differently with you today than you do with your guests.

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So you've worked through this material already on your podcast. And as you did that, you talked about how your testimony lines up with each of the points that we're going to talk about today and next time.

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And I'd kind of like you to do the same thing. Share your autobiographical content of what

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God did in your life as we talk about each one of these points. So I think with that, it'd be great if we just jumped into the material.

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And then you kind of guide us through these first three parents today, the fourth and the fifth parent next time.

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And then share with us your testimony as you do so. All right. Sounds good to me. Sounds like a good plan. Awesome.

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So the first category of parents. And these are all Ws. If my listeners are listening,

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I talked about five parents as well. And that was way back when. And I didn't alliterate it.

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See, you know Joe, he's got this thing figured out. He's a good speaker because he alliterates his points. And he's got five

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Ws. And the first one is Weiner. So Joe, who is the Weiner parent? What's going on in their lives?

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Well, the Weiner is that parent that I call that parent. The parent who's paralyzed by their past.

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They're paralyzed by their past. They look at their current struggles.

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They blame it on their past, on their past problems. And I call them, and I say this affectionately because I was one.

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I call them the Why Babies. You know, the Why Babies. Because that person, that parent is saying,

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Man, why me? Why now? Why them?

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Why him? Why her? Because they're looking at what has stopped them in the past and what has hurt them in the past.

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And they're using it as an excuse of why they can't move forward. That's why I say they're paralyzed in their past.

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They're stuck in their past. You know, people say, You don't want to relive the past. Well, it's nothing wrong with looking back at the past, but you have to at least acknowledge what has happened.

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And so a lot of times, as parents, we can use our past as excuses for future failure.

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And to kind of give you an example of me becoming a parent, I never thought I'd be a parent.

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Never wanted to be a parent. And that's kind of humbling when you tell your children, I never wanted to have kids.

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That's not very encouraging for them to hear that. But I tell my kids the truth. I said, No, initially, I didn't want to have any children.

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And now they see me work. Before I came into men's ministry full time, I worked with kids all over the country. I was a school teacher.

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I was in education over 20 years. I said, How can you not want to have kids? Because I was a whiner.

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Because I looked at the world that I grew up in, growing up in the projects in Miami, and I saw all the things that I had to go through as a child, the abuse, alcoholism, addiction, anger, abandonment, you name it,

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I had to go through it. Who in their right mind would want to bring a child up in this? And so I held on to that, thinking to myself,

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Man, I'm not equipped. I can't be a parent. I'm not going to be a good enough parent because I don't have what it takes.

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I can't be this because I was brought up this way. I didn't meet a couple.

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I'll give you an example, Erin. I didn't meet a couple. I met one couple by the time I graduated from high school who were married.

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A man and a woman living in the same house. Just one. And they were dysfunctional.

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And so that didn't encourage me to want to get married. It didn't encourage me to have any kids.

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So I became a wide baby looking at my past and saying to myself,

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I can't be a parent. I can't be a good parent. And I had to overcome that because I realize now that yes, my past is real.

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And I'm hoping every parent out there who's listening to this hear what I'm getting ready to say. I'm not telling you to deny your past. You may have come from a very painful past and your past is real.

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But I had to learn this, that my past explains me but it doesn't excuse me.

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And I have to realize that even though I came from that past that God had a different future for me if I would just open up my heart surrender and submit to Him and let

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Him minister to that pain. And so then I realized that you know what, that may have been where I started but it doesn't have to necessarily be where I finish.

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And so I had to open myself up to being able to accept the past for what it is and not use it as an excuse for me not to move forward as a parent, as a husband, as a spiritual leader of my home.

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So when we talk about that parent who's fallen into that category it's the whiners. They always find themselves complaining about what they don't have what they never grew up with what they didn't have they're not equipped they don't have this all these bad things happen to them so that now gives me the excuse of why

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I can't do better now because look where I came from. And so I had to get over that and that's why

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I call that person the whiner parent. I tell you I'm realizing that I've been a whiner too specifically in regard to my marriage and I've shared this before and my wife and I are very open about this but when we got married neither one of us were ready.

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Had I been the person I was supposed to be I wouldn't have married her and had she been the person she was supposed to be she wouldn't have married me and yet we got married and we said

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I do and now it would be super easy and I have in the past whined about that well you know we didn't marry the right people you know we were weak we weren't who we were supposed to be we got a bad start in all of this but I tell people now because praise

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God I'm not in that spot anymore at least when it comes to my marriage I tell people our marriage is two things number one it is a warning an admonishment to people to be careful you know to be careful when you make this choice and step into it but secondly it's a testimony of God's grace because what

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God has done through our marriage has been absolutely amazing so yeah that resonates with me

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I think about Eli from 1 Samuel chapter 2 you know he whined a lot he whined at his boys his boys were terrible men wicked people and he whined at them you know why can't you just do this why can't you just do that instead of really dragging them to real truth and grounding his parenting in what

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God says and what we need to be and who we need to be how would you encourage a whiner to move past that what biblical admonishment would you give him

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I would say cling you mentioned earlier when you asked me about my bible verse that I cling to in this season

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I would say go to scripture and there's two particular that I would recommend Romans 8 28 which you're probably familiar with Aaron that all things work together for good for those who love

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God are called according to his purpose because there was a time when now I'm talking about when I was a whiner that I used to think that God was punishing me man

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I'm like wow my life sucks man look at where I came from this is horrible

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God why would you let me grow up like this why didn't you protect me from this this is going to hurt me as a parent when

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I become a parent or become a husband and I realize now that God wasn't punishing me but he was rather preparing me you mentioned about your wife saying you know we're not who we no

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God knew who you were back then and you two were coming together because he was preparing you for something our past yes it may not be what we had wanted and wished but God is going to use it for good so Romans 8 28 is what

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I refer them to also I will refer them to Jeremiah 29 11 that when

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God says that I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to prosper you not to harm you

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Joe Martin but to give you hope in a future so no matter what it is that has happened understand that that God has permitted it he could have stopped it but he didn't that he knows he's going to use it not only for your good but he's going to prosper you if you continue to walk with him so encouragement

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I would give for the person who is quote whining and I'm not trying to use that as a disparaging thing because it's okay own it that we've been whining and complaining like the

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Israelites murmuring complaining oh God you could have just left me here why'd you have to bring me out here no why'd you have to let me get married no what we gotta do is we have to own it and say

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God help me with this help me to see it from your perspective and if there's somebody out there who is struggling whether or not identifying whether or not they are just ask themselves what does the enemy constantly bring up to you as a parent that discourages you that distracts you and keeps you stuck in a rut whatever that is that's what we typically start whining and complaining about and so I look at it this way if it wasn't for the pain that I went in the past I get it now

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I get now that God was preparing me because people say well Joe you've overcome it now I realize now that we're all gonna overcome if we continue to walk with God but the real test is are you going to share it with your children as you're raising them and a lot of parents don't want to talk about their past with their kids they don't want to talk about the abuse they suffered the abandonment issues and what they do is that they suppress that and when they suppress it it comes out expressed in bad ways but my thing is they say

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Joe you seem so vulnerable with your kids you're willing to open up your heart to your children and share with your pain and your past I say yeah because if I don't then that means my pain was wasted

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God has a purpose for my pain and so I see it now that the tears that I cried for my pain were supposed to be medicine for my children and for my wife so I now realize that no the past is not something that I need to be paralyzed by or something

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I need to try to avoid but need to use it for God's glory so Romans 8 28 Jeremiah 29 11 cling to it hold on it own that word because God knows what he's doing he's not making any mistakes

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Amen and I think of Philippians 3 Philippians 3 13 where Paul says this one thing

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I do forgetting what lies behind reaching forward to what lies ahead I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upper call of God in Christ Jesus and all three of those passages are important because they're conditional they require us to do something that's so powerful man we could probably talk about that parent all day long but I do want to say this real quick one way that we parents do this we need to be honest with ourselves if you're listening to this for the first time you need to ask yourself am

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I or have I been a whiner parent have I kept myself from being the parent I need to be because of my past sometimes we do this specifically in regard to our children we whine about the fact that our kids are going down a bad road we whine about the fact that we've corrected them before and they don't respond the right way and we use that as an excuse to not do the right thing the next time we just can't do that we absolutely can't do that if you fall into that trap we need to repent we need to ask

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God's forgiveness and we need to in his strength turn and I hope that you'll do this on all of these points

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I hope that you'll ask yourself be honest have I done this because I think Joe's not an anomaly he's been each of these five parents and I believe that all of us have probably at one point or another been at least three of the four you know bad ones that is quick example oh yeah go ahead and I'll throw myself under the bus on this because I'm not proud of it but you just started up when you mentioned your point about how we use it as an excuse not to move forward and I know a lot of parents can relate to this especially dads um because I was abused because I was abused as a child for three years

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I was sexually abused as a child and whether I wanted to believe it or not

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I allowed it to affect my parenting and one way I allowed it to affect my parenting was that I'm not an overly affectionate person

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I'm not a hugger and kiss you and that kind of stuff because I didn't like my space um being violated and what

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I realized as I became a parent that children don't know about your past and what they want is affection they want the loving and the nurturing and the hugs and the kisses and that kind of thing and so whenever my kids were bringing up to me that wanted that I would give push back

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I would say you know that's just not me that's not that's not the kind of person that's just not my personality and realizing that yeah that may not be my personality but that doesn't that shouldn't prevent me from moving forward how can

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I still provide them with what they need even if it makes me uncomfortable that's when you can allow so I'm still not a touchy -feely person but I'm now more intentional about showing that affection even if it's difficult for me because I don't want to be paralyzed by my past I don't want to be stuck as being a whiner because I used to whine about not being that type of parent if that makes sense yeah it does it's powerful and I'm sure somebody needed to hear that for sure now the second

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W parent here is the worrier this parent this parent you say is not paralyzed by his past he's something else what is the worrier parent this parent is fearful of the future we had the

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Y baby with the whiner this person is a what if baby they're always my wife and I came up with this term called catastrophizing what if something goes wrong what if this doesn't work out what if that happens what if this doesn't happen they're always plotting out the worst case scenario what if my child is home alone what if my daughter gets pregnant because and you can see these kind of parents because some people call them helicopter parents that they're hovering over their kids and I used to be a college professor so I used to see the helicopter parents all the time whenever the new semesters start and I just I remember when

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I wasn't a parent I said God don't let me be those kind of parents don't let me do that and God bless them because they love their children so much but they don't realize and I say this term and it sounds kind of crazy worrier parents can love their kids to death and parents say how is that possible they can act

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I've seen worrier parents love their kids to death they're trying to be overprotective they're trying to prevent things from happening you say well

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Joe what good parent doesn't want good things for their kids yes but guess what you have to be able to allow that kid to fall if you want that kid to walk could you imagine never allowing your child to fall when they learn how to walk they'll never learn how to walk they'll be too afraid to walk sometimes you got to let them fall on their butts and so the worrier parent is wondering about they're worried about what if this happens what if that happens what if I don't do this perfectly what if I make mistakes well let me let you in for a news flash

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God is bigger than your mistakes amen even on your worst day you can't mess up God's plan oh somebody needs to hear that amen try to mess up his plans he won't let you now he could replace you to make sure his plans are being fulfilled he doesn't need us

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God chooses us amen to be part of his plan so for the worrier parent this person is worrying about messing things up messing up God's plan they're going to ruin their kids their kids are going to need therapy and counseling after I'm done with them if they don't do it right if I don't monitor everything they do and I don't control everything that they do bad things are going to happen now we're not saying to take your hands off of your kids but at least allow

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God to be in there to have some influence with your kids trusting the God that you're pouring into them trust that God to help them now let's talk about now

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I'm going to talk about me and how I've messed this up myself because I'm talking from experience and I remember when my son

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I have a son and a daughter my son now is Kendal Kendal is 23 at the time of this recording my daughter is 17 she's a senior in high school but my son he was the first kid so I didn't know what

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I was doing had no idea what I was doing your practice baby yeah my practice baby and Kendal was around about maybe about 5 or 6 at the time and I just kept beating myself up I'll tell you one quick thing and then

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I'll tell you how God has helped me overcome being the worrier parent one time he was 3 and my ex wife started praying and he said

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Amen and I asked my 3 year old I said Kendal aren't you going to pray for mommy and daddy he said

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I did pray for mommy and daddy I said no you didn't yes I did and me and my son gets into an argument ok right

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I said Kendal I heard you you did not pray for mommy and daddy and so of course we leave his room and my ex wife looked at me like really

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Joe I'm like what he said you're arguing with the 3 year old about his prayers

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I said but he didn't pray he said Joe it doesn't even matter and I thought about it and I went back into my son and woke him up I said

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Kendal daddy sorry daddy sorry you can pray how you want to pray for whoever you want to pray for I'm so sorry and I'm thinking wow so that was when he was 3 so round about let's go now to 5 or 6

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I'm making more mistakes like that alright Aaron pray for me alright I finally get to a point

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I said God I'm done I can't do this this is the worry parent coming out

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God I'm going to ruin this kid how many times can I keep going back to him to apologize for making mistakes

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God he's only right now 5 or 6 years old he can't he's going to need therapy and counseling

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I'm not doing this right I'm trying the best I can and I'm not doing it right I keep messing up God I'm done and Aaron I'm telling you

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I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me and says good what I'm glad you're done what what what

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I said I'm messing this up and then the Holy Spirit says you're messing this up because you're trying to do it perfectly you're trying to be perfect I said

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I'm just trying to do it your way God he says you're never going to be the perfect parent for your son

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I said that's obvious yeah God I see that he said but what you're failing to understand and the parents need to hear this

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Aaron you're the perfect parent I chose for him though what you're never going to be the perfect parent but I'm the perfect parent you chose for him he says yes

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I said God I don't get it I said but God he said why don't you get it I said because God I make too many mistakes he says perfect you're the perfect parent to show him how to deal with your mistakes

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I said God but I'm flawed perfect now your son can see how a flawed man deals with his imperfections but God a lot of times

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I don't have the answers for Ken though I don't know what to do and what to say perfect when you don't have all the answers and Aaron it changed my life because I realized then when

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I saw my son I said oh I don't have to hide the mistakes from him anymore matter of fact let's make it public so he can see how a man accepts responsibility how a man humbles himself when he doesn't know what to do how a man turns to God for the answers and cries out to God and so if my son was on the show with you today right now you say what do you think of your dad

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Ken though he says oh my dad's jacked up that's what he'll tell you and you say really yeah he said however but my dad is a great man because how he deals with his jacked upness and I don't hide my mistakes

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I don't hide my flaws I don't keep any secrets from my kids because you know especially for this worried parent these are the kind of parents they don't want to tell their kids they used to be on drugs why because their kids might use drugs they don't want to tell their kids

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I had sex before marriage because their kids may have sex I don't keep any secrets from my kids that's why they would tell you how jacked up I am but at the same time they would tell you but my dad serves he's not perfect but he serves a perfect father amen and so we don't have to stay stuck in being the worrier mode we don't have to be that parent but I've been there

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I've been that whiner and I definitely have been that worrier that is so powerful man like I said each one of these we could spend so much time talking on because this is huge I'm coming out of that generation myself where we're parents we put ourselves up on a pedestal where we couldn't be questioned our characters couldn't be sullied and I think we just made so many mistakes in the process

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I think specifically about a unique biblical character because sometimes we're worried about what we're going to do to our kids and the ways that we've messed up but sometimes too like you mentioned earlier we're also worried about the other stuff that might happen to them from the outside and I think about Rebecca Jacob's mom she knew there was going to be a blessing given to her sons and she wanted

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Jacob to get the best blessing and she was all worried about him having the perfect blessing and she was willing to lie to her husband and she encouraged him to do these wicked things to steal from his brother it was terrible absolutely terrible and she was so worried about what was going to happen that she totally stepped out of God's mind so what would you say to a parent whether they're worried about how they're going to mess up their kid or whether they're going to worry about how the world's going to mess up their kid or whether they're worried about losing control and not being able to have the best for their kid how would you encourage them from the scriptures well let me give the practical which

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I will reiterate what I said before because it really helped me and then I'll give you some scripture recognize that God is

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God he's sovereign he knew your child before your child was even formed in your womb and he set your child apart he set my son and my daughter apart even before I even met them before I even thought about them and so it goes back to what

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I said before even if you were the worst parent in the world but even if you were guess what you can't ruin

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God's perfect plan and I'll give you an example and I hate to use this as an example but it's the truth my parents were not great parents my mom she just recently passed was abusive and she was an alcoholic now

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I'm not dishonoring my mom telling you that because I'm telling you the truth I love my mom my mama loved me she loved my sister my dad abandoned me when

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I was two years old he wasn't there you know he wasn't around to help me become a man and I know

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I love my parents they loved me and they would tell you man if we can do it all over again we would do so many things differently but guess what

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I'm still here and I'm still by the grace of God I'm now reaching hundreds of thousands of people all over the country 136 different countries with our show

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I speak all over the country training and discipling and mentoring men in spite despite my mother and my dad man what a mighty

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God we serve so what that tells me I don't have to have all the answers I don't have to do this

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God I'm just trying to be obedient like my mom and dad tried to be and they they failed more than they succeeded

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I'm just succeeding a little bit more than I'm failing but I'm still failing but in spite of all of that God's plan cannot be changed it cannot be ruined if the devil couldn't do it what makes you think you're powerful enough to ruin

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God's plan God had a plan when the devil tried to come in and make a mess of things now as far as scripture it goes back to what

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I said before first of all Matthew 633 just seek Him when you don't know what to do and you're worried about the world and what they can do to your child

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I can't protect my son is out of the house now I can't protect I don't know what he's doing right now but God said seek me first my kingdom and my righteousness in all things we add them to you guess what all things include me having peace when it comes to my son me having peace about what my daughter's going to go after she graduates from high school and going to be with her when she's at college when mom and dad can't be around there to protect her seek him first and then

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I go to Philippians 4 6 don't be anxious for anything but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving to God thank you

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God for allowing my daughter to make it to her senior year thank you God for my son to be able to make it out of the house with thanksgiving make my petition known to him and he's going to guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus because that's what we're really battling with the thoughts in our mind and the heart condition oh we're worried we're concerned there's nothing wrong with it but he's saying be anxious for nothing but in everything seek him ask him tell him petition him and Aaron they're not gonna like when

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I say this especially the moms out there you said we're gonna be for dad but it's moms too this is definitely for moms and they can write you the bad emails after I say this moms not ready to hear this dad's ok but moms don't like hearing what

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I'm about to say but they know it's the truth here's why you shouldn't worry as much as you love those little babies as much as you love your children you felt their heart you felt them kicking in your stomach boy you would sing to them you would talk to them when they were a dad can't possibly relate to what it was like to have a living person inside of you that love and the bond that a mother has for a child you men would never understand it here's the news flash for the moms no matter how much you love your children

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God loves them more than you do ouch

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I don't care how much you tell me you love your kids you don't love them more than God does amen tell him that you do then you should be worried cause he'll hand them right back over to you and say ok you control you take over and you watch over them 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days out of the year like I do no matter how much we love them

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Aaron we can't love them more than God does we can't so guess what he has a plan and purpose for each one of us

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God loves us more than we do God loves us more than more than we do

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God loves us more than we do God loves more than we do God loves us more than we do don't you dare tell

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God that cause guess what God attest you so you can I'll turn them back over to you yeah there was that one that one preacher poet maybe you remember his name

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I can't remember off the top of my head who said your arms are too short to box with God you don't want to go toe to toe with him on that one you don't want to go there don't go there no

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God you can have my kids they were just on loan you just loaned them to me for the first 18 years of their life and I thank you for it but God they're yours

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Now, for the listeners out there, normally we don't have show notes when we have guests, okay, or a transcript, but I do want to say this.

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There are so many of these concepts that Joe is talking about that we have alluded to in previous studies.

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We have a whole study on Philippians chapter 4 and how to be a peaceful parent, all right? We have lots of resources.

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So what I'm going to do is I'm going to put links in the description of these episodes so that if nothing else, if you say, you know what,

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I need to work on this. What does Philippians 4 have to say to me as a worrier parent? I want you to be able to have access to those resources.

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Now again, we need to be honest with ourselves. Are you a worrier parent? You a whiner? You a worrier? God's calling you from that.

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Now, we only have time to talk about one more of these today. I want to invite you guys, kind of preemptively invite you next time to listen to the fourth parent and then the fifth parent.

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These first four are the ones that we are naturally, okay, it doesn't take any practice to be these. The fifth one though is the one that God wants us to be and that we can only be through him.

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So we're going to kind of end on what might feel like a low note, you know, because it was really challenging, really convicting, but pray through these things.

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Think through these things. Be honest with yourself. Get into the scriptures that we're talking about and prepare yourself on your heart for our next episode where we really unveil the beautiful plan that God has for you.

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But before we can get to that though, we do have one other W parent here.

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This third parent is called the waiter. Now the whiner is concerned about the past. The worrier is concerned about the future.

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What's going on with the waiter? Oh, the waiter is the person that's indecisive in the present.

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They don't know what to do and so they decide not to do anything. Instead of doing the right thing and messing it up, they'd rather do nothing.

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They're going to just, quote, wait on the Lord. I'm going to wait for God to fix it. Let go and let

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God. Yeah, let go and let God and that sounds good, but that's not always used in discernment and wisdom and hopefully by us explaining this, they'll get a better idea what we mean by that.

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No, this waiter is the person who's waiting for God to do something that God is going to hold them accountable for doing.

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God has given us a responsibility as parents to train up our children in the way they should go so they don't soon depart from it.

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He's also commanded fathers specifically not to provoke your kids to anger, but to bring them up in the admonition of the

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Lord. He tells us to spare the rod and not spoil the child. He's given us directives. He's telling us what to do when it comes to our kids, but a lot of times when we weren't equipped and we weren't taught how to do it,

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I kind of call it ABT, ain't been taught. We don't know what to do and now women,

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I give women more credit for this because at least they're willing to try. Even if they're going to mess up, they're willing to try something because they don't want to just let their kids just leave them hanging.

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But we as fathers, we're a little bit different than women when it comes to parenting. We don't like making mistakes.

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We don't like failing at anything. That's why I say our mission is to help men win because men want to win at everything.

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Men like to compete. A lot of times men win, they'd rather do nothing than to do it wrong.

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Let me jump in here real quick because so many of your special guests have said this during the man up questions at the end of the show.

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You ask them, what's one attitude that you wish you could change in men? So many of them have said apathy.

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I wish I could just get men to step up and to do something. So yeah, man, it is a huge problem with us guys.

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The apathy comes from, I've done this so many times in the past that I've failed.

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I'm afraid to do it again. So the question is, so what are you going to do about it? I'm just going to pray about it.

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I'm going to pray and hope that things work out. I'm waiting on the

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Lord to do something and waiting, we have this misconception of what waiting is.

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I think one of the scripture, what is it? I think it's Isaiah, I hope I'm not misquoting it, about those who wait on the

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Lord shall renew their strength. They will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary.

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They will walk and not faint. But check this out, Aaron. Think about it. He said, those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.

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They will mount up with wings like eagles. Check this out. They will run and not get weary.

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They will walk and not faint. Guess what run and walk are? Verbs. Wait on the

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Lord. Don't you just stop right there, do nothing. No, you won't have to run, but you can't get weary.

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You have to keep walking, moving forward, but don't faint. You keep moving.

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And so we think waiting is doing nothing. Waiting is, guess what you do while you're waiting? You're still serving.

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You're still giving. You still support. You still strengthen. You still give.

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You still teach. You have to be able to do it afraid. You can't just wait.

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Now let's go there with me. All right. Here we go. Where I was waiting because even though when

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I became a dad and became a parent, I said, okay, I realized, I thought that all you had to do is just don't do what your parents did, because I didn't have great parents.

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I figured just do the opposite. But the problem with not trying to avoid doing the wrong thing, what not to do, you still haven't been taught what to do.

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So I knew everything not to do, but I didn't know what to do. I knew

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I shouldn't be drinking. I shouldn't abandon and leave the home, but I didn't know what to do when

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I wasn't drinking. I didn't know what to do when I was in the home. And so here I was,

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ABT ain't been taught. I don't know how to disciple and discipline my children. I don't know how to talk to my son about sex.

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I don't know how to talk to a daughter about my escapades when

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I was out there sleeping with as many women as I can find. I don't know how to talk to my daughter about that.

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And so the problem is I start, instead of dealing with my inadequacies and my insecurities and my inefficiencies,

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I decide, okay, I'll just wait and let the church do it. I'll let school handle that responsibility.

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I'll let mama. I'll let mom do it. Mama talk to her about it.

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And I realized that my role is not to sit there as this apathetic passive bump on the log.

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God said, do it afraid. I'm with you. When I say wait on me, wait, as I direct you to do something, speak this,

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Joe Martin, wait on me. Now speak this. Wait on me. Now take this step.

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Wait on me. Ask that person for help. Wait on me. Go to that. Go to your child.

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Wait on me. Tell them the truth about that. I had to, I was waiting for somebody else to do it, but I wasn't willing to do it myself.

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I'm thinking, God, come rescue me. Come do it. God says, oh, I will when you take a step first.

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Think about Peter in the boat. Peter sees Jesus out there. Man, I want to do that.

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Why didn't Jesus come pick him up and take him? Wait on me, Peter. I'll be there and I'll take you off the boat and bring you with me.

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What did Jesus say? Come. You want some? Come, come, come to me.

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And Peter did it afraid. And Peter did it successfully until he what? Took his eyes off of Jesus.

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Yeah. He started looking at the waves. He started feeling the wind. And guess what? He took his eyes. And then what did Jesus tell him?

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Oh, you little faith. Why'd you do that? You were doing it.

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Just wait upon me. Look at me and keep stepping. Keep obeying.

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Amen. And so when it came to the waiting part, I had to break out of this apathetic, passive approach that God's going to drop the answer out of the sky on me.

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And then by osmosis, my kids will be discipled. They will be disciplined. By osmosis, they're going to learn about sex.

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Here's the thing. If I don't do it, if I don't step up, somebody else will. Yeah, all the wrong people. So all the wrong people.

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And I give an example with the kids. If you're not talking to your kids, trust me, they're listening to their friends.

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And so I got to get my son's and my daughter's ear before the media gets it, before their friends at school gets it, even before their teachers get it.

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And I have to take, I'm going to be held accountable and responsible for them. I can't go to God when

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God asks me, okay, how'd you parent the kids that I gave you? God, I was waiting for you to do it. It's like that parable where the guy was given the talent and he buried it in the dirt.

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He said, I didn't want to, you know, whatever. And the master said, you needed to do something.

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He rebuked him. And he rebuked him harshly. Rebuked him harshly. Get away from me, you slothful servant, you.

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I don't want to hear that, Aaron. And so I'd rather do it bad than say,

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God, I missed you on it, as opposed to I did nothing. And so I seek him.

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That's why you seek him. And okay, so I love this. I love this so much because this is making so much sense.

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One of the things that happens is we're waiting to do these things that God hasn't communicated to us specifically, right?

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You know, we're uncertain about how to help our children succeed for Christ, right?

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The Bible doesn't tell us necessarily point for point how to help your children succeed for Christ. It says train them up.

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Well, we want like the full answer. But then we don't do the clear things that he does say to do.

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He says, get to church. He says in Deuteronomy 6, he says, you need to be speaking my truth.

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When you wake up and when you lie down, when you walk along the road, you need to bring it back to that. You need to have that family

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Bible time. You need to be studying the word. So he says these simple things. You need to be praying. You need to be teaching your kids to pray.

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And if we just did those things right there, just those things, took our children to assemble with the body of Christ.

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We taught them to pray. We prayed for them. If we were speaking God's truth into their lives, you know what?

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They're going to be discipled. Those questions that we're waiting on, those things that we don't know, that God hasn't ever really promised to necessarily tell us point for point what's going to happen.

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Those things will come about as we simply do what he's told us to do. Aaron, I give you probably one of the best examples of why we can't wait and why waiting makes no sense.

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Okay. In our program with Real Men Connect, we had a program that my wife and I ran called

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Boys to Real Men. It's the Boys to Real Men Challenge. It's six weeks where the boys of all single moms get to do life with me and my wife.

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And I tell you, I didn't see a couple except one by the time I graduated. I don't want that to happen to kids. So I figured

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I need to let them see a couple who loves the Lord and watch us go through life.

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So for six weeks, they get exposed to us three times a week to be around me and my wife and my children to see what a husband and a wife look like, a father with his kids and that kind of thing.

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And one of the boys asked me, now they're all probably ranging from ages. The youngest was probably 12.

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The oldest about 14. Okay. It's a group of boys. And we had them on a conference call like they would call it the locker room.

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And one of the boys asked me this. He says, Dr. Joe, what does it take to be a good dad?

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That's what he asked me. What does it take to be a good father? And I said, David, I said, let me give you the simple answer.

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Be an example, not an excuse. That's the simple answer. I said, you must be an example.

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You don't have to be a perfect dad. You have to be the greatest dad. Live your life as an example in front of your children.

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And I said, now, that's the short answer. Be an example, not an excuse. I said, let me give you the deeper answer to that. I said, you guys have been with me now for several weeks at the time.

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It goes six weeks. You're probably like in week four. I said, have you guys always followed my example that I've said in front of my, that you've seen me with my wife, you've seen me with my children, you've seen me with other people?

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That was done intentionally. Have you always followed my example and do what you've seen me do?

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Speak the way you've heard me speak. Respond the way you hear me respond. Seek God the way you saw me seek

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God. And do you know every boy says, no, sir, we haven't. I said, David, to answer your question, here's the deeper answer your question.

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What does it take to be a good dad? You must be willing to set that example even when they refuse to follow.

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And guess what? You can't set an example doing nothing. That's right. I can't set an example just waiting.

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I had to set an example by moving, by stepping, by serving, by supporting, by giving, by speaking, by leading, by teaching, by helping.

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All that requires action. That's why I don't think it's a coincidence that he says, no, those who wait on Lord will renew their strength.

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But he said to run and to walk. I don't think that's an accident.

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I don't think that's a coincidence because that seems like it's contradictory. But I get it.

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But rely on my strength to run and to walk. Don't do it in yours.

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Wait on my strength. Now run. Wait on my strength. Now walk. Wait on my strength and mount up with wings like eagles.

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Amen. For those of you wondering, this is Isaiah chapter 40, verse 31.

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So powerful. I will include that, too. I tell you, this reminds me a lot of the character, not that character, but the historical figure of Lot, Abraham's nephew.

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You know, he took his children into a place and he waited. He waited to teach them the truth.

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We learned that Lot was a righteous man. We learned that he was somebody who was grieved by Sodom and Gomorrah where he lived.

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But he waited until it was too late to bring his children to the truth.

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He was apathetic when it came to that. And his son -in -laws, they laughed at him when finally he said, you know, we need to leave because God's going to destroy the city.

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And his daughters, he had to drag them out, basically kicking and screaming at that point. And he waited. It was too long, too late.

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And he lost his family. The girls ended up getting him drunk and basically raping him. It's a terrible story, but it shows us the danger of what happens when we don't do what we're supposed to do.

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So what's the admonishment? For those of us who look at our lives and our parenting, you know what? You know what?

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I've been waiting. I've been waiting to do that next thing until everything was just perfect. Perfect.

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Yeah. So what do we do? I would ask, I said, ask God this question.

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And this is simple. And I can't make this more complicated. It's simple. When you don't know what to do and you say

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God wants me to wait, ask God this simple question. God, what do you want me to do while I'm waiting?

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That's it. God, what do you want me to do while I'm waiting? The Holy Spirit, trust me, is going to give you something.

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Whether it start to pray, whether it says call this person, call Aaron. He's a great person for you to ask this question to.

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God is going to connect you. And by divine intervention, he's going to give you what you need for where you are.

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But you got to ask God, okay, I will wait to hear from you. So God, what do you want me to do while I'm waiting?

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Who do you want me to serve? Who do you want me to support? Who do you want me to ask?

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God, who do you want me to pray for? Who do you want me to bless? God, where do you want me to go?

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God, what do you want me to say while I'm waiting? Just ask. He said you have not because you ask not.

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So just ask him. Simple as that. Oh, man. Joe, thank you so much for joining us today.

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Looking at these three parents for me has not only just been extremely enlightening, it's been painfully enlightening.

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I can see my own propensity, I think first and foremost, to be a worrier parent. I think I used to be a whiner, not so much a whiner anymore, but I'm seeing too in me the waiting.

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Just waiting for this right thing. The biggest one for me, the waiting and the whining. I wasn't that big of a worrier, but I worried more than I should have.

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But definitely the waiting, because it's easy to wait when you think you don't know what to do.

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You don't have a clue on what to do. You think the next best thing is to just do nothing.

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In doing nothing, guess what you've already decided? You just did something. The wrong something. Which is nothing. That's right.

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The wrong something. You did nothing. I guess, like I said earlier, it might be a little sad for the listeners today to end on a note like this, but you know what?

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There is solemnity in the scriptures. There is. We need to be drawn to see ourselves the way God sees us.

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And that needs to rock us. I mean, Jesus started, Matthew chapter 5, Sermon on the Mount. Realize that you are poor in spirit.

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Mourn because of that. And that is the path that leads us to humility and the path that leads us to repentance.

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So it's a good place to end. Now, none of those parents, like I said before, are the ones that we want to be. So I know that I'm looking forward to talking to Joe next time about the fourth parent, and then specifically the fifth parent.

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It is just great news that the fifth parent is the dad or the mom that we all need to be.

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And we're going to unpack that one for you next time. Now, I've included all of Joe's social media links and website information in the description of this episode.

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I do know as well that a lot of women do listen to Joe's podcast. But I would really suggest that the men subscribe to the show.

55:16

Definitely. Please do that. You'll be blessed because of it. The Lord has used it a number of times in my life at just the right moment to answer a question or meet a need.

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You will not regret that. Now, Joe, is there anything in particular, some place that they should go if they want to like social media or a website specifically?

55:33

I have all the links there, but where should they start? Just go to our website at realmenconnect .com

55:40

because if they go there, our website is pretty simple to navigate and anything they want, whether it's to be to connect with us on social media, whether it be to receive some of our free resources, whether it's just to reach out to me or to see what we're doing, it's so easy once they go there.

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Everything is self -explanatory. Realmenconnect .com And then also make sure you share this episode on your favorite social media outlets so that your family and your friends can benefit from discovering if they potentially are hindering their own parenting by being a whiner, a worrier, or a waiter parent.

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And obviously, if this episode has been a blessing to you, please rate and review us on your favorite podcast app.

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It's a huge blessing and it's a significant help in directing all the searching parents out there to the biblical parenting resources.

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And definitely, whatever you do, join us next time as we look at the final two parents with Dr. Joe Martin from Real Men Connect.

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Truth. Love. Parents. is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

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Join us next time as we search God's Word for the truth your family needs today.