Comedian Leland Klassen has gigantic hands!

Apologia Studios

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00:06

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Leland Clawson. Thank you very much.

00:16

Thank you. It is fantastic to be here. I was actually kind of worried that I wasn't going to be able to make it down to the studio.

00:24

Two days ago I was flying up and I was going through security and all I forgot to do was stick my chapstick in a little Ziploc bag where you put your gels and your liquids.

00:31

Just forgot to stick it in there and security guard decided to make issue with it, right? He's like, oh it's actually a gel, you're supposed to put it in the bag, you didn't put it in the bag.

00:36

I was like, oh I must have just forgotten, I'll take it now. And he's like, no, no, no, I need to confiscate it now because you didn't put it in the bag.

00:43

I'm like, dude, it's chapstick, you know? What do you do with chapstick? You're not, take me somewhere! Granted, it did say lip balm on it.

00:56

Lip balm, huh? It's a lip balm joke. You don't get that in a lot of the late night talk shows, just so you know.

01:04

So it was pretty impressive. I did say so myself. Here's the thing

01:10

I talk a lot about at my shows. Let me pose the question to you folks.

01:16

And you just tell, just be honest. So are my hands too big for my body? Is that too much hand to body ratio?

01:25

I hear this evolution argument and I'm like, this is the evolution. I don't know what's going on. The latest thing

01:31

I discovered with my hands, I'm playing right up here. When I cough, I cover other people's mouths. And that's, everybody's getting sick at that point.

01:40

It's tough. Every time I shake somebody's hand, I tickle their armpit. And that's too much. How you doing? I apologize, sir.

01:48

No, that's me. It was tough growing up with hands this big. I didn't have the same finite motor skills the other kids had with their stubby little hands.

01:55

I couldn't do the things they could do. At least not as well as them. So I didn't like the things we did in school.

02:01

Except for finger painting. I love finger painting. There we go. I just finished seven projects.

02:09

And I'm out of paper. And paint, actually. I'm out of paint as well. You want to bring some over here? Yeah, no, I can help you.

02:15

No problem. What's that? No, I have arms. I just don't need them. I still finger paint, by the way.

02:26

It's kind of a hobby of mine now. I was doing some finger painting last weekend there. I painted the garage. Let that dry.

02:42

You see the hand signs for the deaf? You see the sign language for the deaf there? Until they made me stop.

02:48

Because I was making the deaf people mad. Stop, and it's too loud! That doesn't look right, either.

03:07

Hey, look how small my head is in proportion. Look at that. That's not a... I got a tiny head. It is the craziest body you've ever seen.

03:15

Well, I'll give you the numbers so you get an idea. Glove size, 4XL. Hat size, youth medium.

03:22

So that's embarrassing. Seriously, but my gloves are big and tall, and my hat's a baby gap. This is not cool.

03:28

I've got a terrible selection, by the way. I don't know. By the way, I should say this, too.

03:35

I tell real stories, real things. But I will put little comedic twists on the end of things. You were talking about truth.

03:41

The truth is, I put a little comedic license, we call it. So my real glove size is 4XL.

03:47

Absolutely true. But my real hat size is not actually youth medium. My real hat size is actually youth small.

03:56

I had to change it because people weren't laughing as much. So just think about that for a second. That means my head is actually so small that it's not even funny anymore.

04:04

That's what that means. That's a small head. By the way, this is how you know your head is too small for your hands.

04:10

You shouldn't be able to touch both your ears with one hand at the same time. That's how you know. Yeah, that's...

04:19

I love watching people try. That's, like, my favorite thing. I got a half way in my face. What's going on here? That means you're normal.

04:27

There was a guy a couple weeks ago. Had a show a couple weeks ago. He's like, you can do it if you open your mouth. Why would you want to, right?

04:37

I don't understand that. I don't know. The latest thing that happened, I was playing the Xbox 360 with my son there.

04:44

A little Nike Plus for Kinect. It gives you your own personal workout. So it has a

04:49

Kinect, you know, it has a controller, but you also are the controller. I don't know what game this would be. But I was doing

04:56

Nike Plus with the Kinect. And here's the thing. If you're doing a workout video, you can kind of cheat on the video, right? Maybe not do the exercises well enough.

05:03

Video doesn't know. But with the personal trainer, he's like, hey, get your knees up higher! Or whatever, right?

05:08

In order for them to do it, they have to know what your body looks like. So you've got to stand in front of the Kinect camera while it's mapping out your body. I was watching it on the screen.

05:14

As it was mapping out my body, it got up to my head. And I'm not making this up. There's a little red square around my head with this error message.

05:22

And you know what the error message said? Cannot detect head. Xbox has got jokes.

05:32

Okay. I turned around. My son was howling, right? He thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. He's literally bent over shaking.

05:39

He's laughing so hard. I'm like, what are you laughing at? You look just like me, you freak. I'm laughing at yourself right now.

05:46

That's what you're doing. I don't know. You know what's going to happen, too? A thousand years from now, some paleontologist is going to dig up my bones, right?

05:53

He's going to be convinced he just found the missing link. I found the missing link. Missing link between, oh boy, birds and man.

06:04

He's got a tiny little bird brain, but then he already had the arms of a man. But at the end of the arms, he still had massive wings attached.

06:15

That's my bird man flight. I had a lady come up to me after a show one time.

06:22

She was offended I was doing jokes about the size of my hands. The very jokes you just heard, she was offended.

06:27

She said, and I quote, sets a bad example for kids about making fun of themselves.

06:34

What do you even say to that? I was like, maybe comedy is not for you. It's not your thing.

06:41

It's my own fault, though, because I married her. That's me. You guys have been awesome.

06:47

Thank you so much. I'm Leland Kloss. Good night. Leland! Thank you, brother. Next week with Jeff Durbin.

06:55

The late night show with the unpopular opinion. Tuesday, only on Facebook Live.