Comedy is Therapy (Keith Foskey's Standup Routine)

for the right reverend and his high holiness, Keith Foskey. And my name is

Keith, as he said. They have been appreciated by some folks.

And so it's kind of fed into something that I've wanted to do since I was a boy. I've always loved comedy.

In fact, I remember as a child, I found out that there was a job. Presidential joke writer is an actual job.

And I went to my father, who is here tonight. And I said, Dad, I know what I want to do with my life.

I want to be the presidential joke writer. And my father said, but you're not funny.

Tonight! 35 years later. I was 8 years old,

I'm 43 now, I'm pretty sure I'm doing the math correct. 35 years later, I go up to my dad, I said, Dad, I'm doing comedy tonight.

And he looked at me and he said, am I going to laugh? I don't think he will.

I have no confidence that my dad's going to laugh. But I'm going to try to make you laugh. Funny thing, though, is the reason why I enjoy comedy is because I believe comedy is like therapy.

The Bible says that a merry heart does good like a medicine. And so I enjoy making people laugh because it's an opportunity to feel better, even if you're in a difficult time in your life.

And I don't know how many of you have ever been in therapy, but I was in therapy as a kid, I didn't even know it.

My parents got a divorce, my dad put me in therapy, I didn't know. I just thought there was a lady at the school who really liked listening to my stories.

She would get me out of class every week, it was like open mic night every week. I'd go, I was like, this lady really likes me.

Little did I know she was being paid. As a pastor,

I have to talk about having faith. One of my daughters is named

Faith. And they say when you have faith, that you no longer have fear.

Because the opposite of fear is faith. But it's not true.

For all the amen, hold up. Because I still deal with debilitating phobias.

I've been a pastor for 18 years. And I still struggle with things that I'm afraid of.

I'm claustrophobic, I'm aphidiophobic, I'm acrophobic. How many of you know what claustrophobia is?

Claustrophobia is the fear of enclosed spaces. I found out that I was afraid of enclosed spaces when

I was forced to get an MRI. Anybody have to get an MRI? And listen, they put me in an

MRI in the back of a semi truck. So they put me in an enclosed space, in an enclosed space.

I couldn't handle it. I went home and cried like Ace Ventura when he found out that Lieutenant Einhorn was really Ray Finkel.

And I just aged half the room, if you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. So claustrophobia,

I'm afraid of enclosed spaces, I really am. I'm also aphidiophobic. And show of hands if you know what aphidiophobia is.

Aphidiophobia is the fear of snakes. Now I believe that I have a biblical reason.

For Satan chose the form of the subtle serpent. So I have a reason to say, hey,

I'm afraid of snakes. My kids, we go to the zoo, there's a serpentarium. You know, there's the place where you can go in and look at the snakes.

I don't go in, I stand outside. The other day I'm sitting in my office at my house, my wife texts me.

And she says, your son has caught a snake. Not my son.

Not the fruit of my loins. So I walk outside, my son is holding a snake by the tail.

He's walking towards me like Moses. And I knew at that moment

I'm no longer the man of my house. So that's aphidiophobia,

I'm truly aphidiophobic. And I am acrophobic. Now that's arachnophobic, that's close.

I'm that too, but I just only had time for three. Acrophobia, anybody?

Yes, it's the fear of heights. Some people think it's the fear of acrobats, I'm afraid of those too. I don't know why anybody would choose a job where you might die for my entertainment.

It's part of the job resume. And I don't understand, we're going to do this without the security of a net.

I don't want you to do it without the net. Everybody has a bad day at work. I don't want your bad day at work, me watching you die.

Keep the net. But no, yes, acrophobia is a fear of heights. You know how I found out I was afraid of heights? I visited

Stone Mountain Park in Atlanta, Georgia. Have you been to Stone Mountain Park?

It's our own little Confederate Mount Rushmore. If you go to the real

Mount Rushmore, you see Washington, Lincoln, Franklin, Roosevelt.

You go to Stone Mountain Park in Atlanta, you get Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis carved three football fields wide and the side of a rock sticking out of the ground several hundred feet in the air.

We go to this mountain. And my wife said, I want to go to the top. I said, have fun, I'll see you when you get back.

No, she said, we're going to the top. And because I love my wife and because I try to be the man of my house, I said, I'll go with you.

Stone Mountain is interestingly shaped. It's shaped like a doorstop. It's flat on one side, tapered on the other, which means you can walk up one side.

Literally, you can hike up one side. But if you've seen me, you understand

I wasn't going to hike up one side. But on the flat side, there's a cable car that will take you up.

As we were getting on this cable car, I began to realize that I'm about to leave the ground. About halfway up the side of the mountain,

I'm behind the pole, holding it like a jujitsu fighter, praying to God while looking into the eyes of Robert E.

Lee. And I look down at my son, and he's not afraid at all.

No longer the man of my house. I am the man of my house, though.

I have six children. I'm 43 years old. I have children ranging in age from 25 all the way down to one.

God is good and hilarious. Recently, my daughter experienced her first run -in with a bully.

She goes to a private school. She comes home, and she tells us that she's faced someone who's picking on her.

My wife and I handled this much differently. My wife prepares the conversation she's going to have with the teacher.

She prepares to get up early so that she can go in early, so that she can walk in. Little feet, ready, walk in, look at the teacher in the eye.

You are going to make this right. I, on the other hand, introduced my daughter to the Rocky franchise.

Then we watched Karate Kid. And I said, this is what a bully is, and this is how you handle it.

Now, that doesn't sound very pastoral, so I apologize. But each of my children are so different.

I have a 25 -year -old daughter. She's lovely. She still lives with us. Recently, in Ponte Vedra, someone won a $1 .5

billion lottery. I heard about it, and I was telling my daughter.

What was interesting is they hadn't come forward yet. They bought the ticket at the Neptune Beach Publix, and it was a winner.

1 .5B with a billion. A billion -dollar lottery. They hadn't come forward yet, which meant there was a really nervous

Baptist. Someone was trying to figure out how they were going to tell their pastor that they played the lottery. But my daughter, she looks at me.

She's so beautiful. She said, Daddy, if I won the lottery,

I'd pay off your house. And I looked at her, and I said,

Baby, I live in a double wide. If you win a billion dollars,

I better have a house that didn't once have wheels. But I do live in a house that has wheels.

I live in a double wide. Recently, I thought about getting solar panels on my house. Putting solar panels on a double wide is like putting spinning rims on a station wagon.

But I wanted to do it. And I was going to get solar panels on my house, not because I'm concerned with going green.

I'm concerned about being hot. And every time, hurricane season, you're all

Floridians. You know this. Hurricane season, people, oh, we've got to go get the water. We've got to get the food. I'm like, no, no, we've got to make sure the window unit air conditioner is working.

We've got to make sure we've got gas for the generator. I don't care if the food spoils. I don't want to sweat.

I can figure the food part out. I'm going to survive. But it's hot.

So I called the solar company. I had them send the lady out to the house. I'm in the backyard when

I see this very, very nice car drive into my driveway. Like it was like a very fancy car.

I am wearing board shorts, flip flops, a T -shirt that's dirty.

And it says, do you believe the gospel? She steps out, this very erudite woman, full business suit.

She's got her protege with her. He's this tall, skinny, young man, long, blonde hair.

It's braided down the side like a Viking. His name was like Rolf or something.

And I go up to shake hands with her, and it was like, you know what I'm talking about being the other side of the tracks? I was like the other side of the tracks.

We live on a dirt road. Get the picture, okay? She was upset she had to drive on my road. But she wants to make the sale, so we go inside.

We go inside. My wife is sitting in a circle with my children reading the Bible. We have catechism questions on the wall.

Just get the image. We sit down at the table. Kids go outside to play.

My wife sits down with me. She begins to try to sell me the solar panels. Why do you want solar panels?

I don't want to be hot. That was it. That was it. I don't care about green. I don't care about Al Gore, Joe Biden.

I care about heat. She said, well, solar panels don't work that way.

Solar panels feed the grid. So if the grid goes down, you still don't have power.

I was like, well, conversation over. I need to call Generac because you can't help me. But she still has got me.

She drove all this way. She drove on a dirt road. She's well -dressed. So she keeps trying to sell me.

She tells me, she said, you look to me like you want to go off grid. I said, there's more pictures of me on the

Internet than you could possibly imagine. I could never go into witness protection.

I was driving. My mom was driving home from Georgia one day. She called me. She said, Keith, are you playing in a band at a bar in Georgia?

I said, no, Mom, why? She said, because it said Keith Foskey Band. I'm not hiding from anyone. And look it up.

There's a Keith Foskey Band. Somebody stole my name. Put it on their band. But I'm sitting there with Ralph or Rolf or whatever his name is.

And I said, Rolf, kids have been outside for a few minutes. I haven't seen them. I said, would you please open the window so that we can see the kids?

Rolf, yes, sir. No, he's a very polite young man. Stands up. Walks over to the window. Pulls back the blinds and screams.

And it was like one of those little, like, ah. Went like a man's, ah. He was like, ah. And I said, what is it,

Rolf? And my three -year -old daughter was peeing in the backyard. They left.

And they never called back. As I said, comedy, I think, is therapy.

It's good to tell stories. It's good to have fun. And it's good to share your life with other people.

Share stories. Share things that are going on with you. And when you're talking to each other, understand this.

When the Bible says a merry heart doeth good like a medicine, there's nothing in the world that does our heart better than to know that our heart is right with God.

And the only way to know that our heart is right with God is if we believe on the Lord Jesus Christ. The Bible says that we're all sinners, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

But God sent his son into the world, that whosoever believeth in him will not perish but have everlasting life.