Are the five love languages Biblical?

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Alright Tim, the question for today's episode is, are the five love languages biblical? Oh man, they're pretty dumb.

They're pretty dumb. Yeah, you know, it's funny because I always thought they were very strange in general.

Even before I was a Christian, I knew people who were really caught up in the five love languages, almost to the same level as like the astrology stuff.

Like, hey, people would be like, what sign are you? And I don't even know all the,

I don't know if I know any of the signs. I guess there's like Cancer, maybe Libra or something.

But anyway, I always thought that the five love languages were pretty similar to that, just in terms of how much stock people put into this stuff.

And I thought it was always very strange. People would tell me, hey, my love language is this.

Like, it is this. And I would always just hear that and just kind of,

I wouldn't know how to respond. It's just like, okay, I don't know what to do with that.

Like, good for you, I guess. I always looked at it kind of like, hey, why are you just picking one of these gifts?

I mean, all these sound pretty good. I feel like you're kind of limiting yourself by just picking one that you prefer.

Speaking of the five love languages, why don't you tell us what are the actual individual languages and where does this stuff come from and how did it become so popular?

Yeah, I mean, it was a 1992 book that Gary Chapman wrote called The Five Love Languages.

And essentially, I mean, you have these five love languages, which are called Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Active Service, and Physical Touch.

So, you have these five, quote, unquote, love languages. And this thing is, I mean, it's been out for a while now.

I mean, this is, I guess it's going on 30 years at this point. But then, mercifully, it's one of those things that, it's one of those trends that has started to die off at this point.

But then it does have this cult -like allegiance to it that you've noticed. I mean, basically, it's the kind of thing like the

Enneagram or whatever to where people, Christians just got really attached to it and started to define themselves that way.

And for many years, I mean, it was just this thing that defined a person's fundamental sense of identity.

So, it really did share a lot of similarities with the Zodiac kind of stuff in terms of this is kind of like a personality profile that they define themselves as some sort of fixed, immovable characteristic of who they are that was just essential to their being kind of thing.

It's so strange. No, what I'm not saying is it's strange to feel like someone is expressing their love for you when they give you a gift, right?

Like, that's not a strange idea. I think the strange idea in my mind is just like this, my love language is

I can only receive love, or the primary way in which

I receive love is defined by me and my preferences.

And it's like, I don't know, it just always really put me off, I guess. Well, it should.

I mean, it should. And immersively, it's one of those things that's going out of style at this point to where people aren't asking, like this isn't a pressing question that a lot of people are asking.

I mean, someone asked this question, we're given an answer to it, but it's not on the radar as a pressing thing anymore.

But then, just before we get into all the details of it, it does remind me of a situation when

I was in Bible college. And when I was in Bible college, I worked as a janitor at a church.

And I mean, a janitor job is a great job to do when you're working at seminary because it's one of those things where you can listen to your lectures all day long while you're working in your ears.

And so, you're kind of walking around doing a mindless job and you have the ability to learn on the job. Now, I mean, it is being a janitor.

So, there's that, but I was a janitor with my brother at that point at this church.

And it was one of those interesting things because at this church, there was always the next big idea.

So, the pastor would have the next big idea, and then all the signs up at the church would be representative of this new thing that was this next idea that the church was going to–

The shiny new toy, basically. Yeah, it was going to revolutionize the church, and there's signs up everywhere and logos up everywhere.

And it's just that kind of thing to where this kind of took on this idea, whatever it was at the time.

It took on–it started to become the identity of the church for a brief period of time.

But then if you were at that church for any length of time, one of the things you realize is that there was a lot of ideas like that, right?

Right. And they would come and go, and then this would be the next big thing, and the next big thing. And this was one of those things where in church -wide study that everyone was just a big deal or whatever while I was doing this.

But then at some point, that pastor moved on, okay? And we were cleaning out his office.

And I remember we had bookshelves and bookshelves and bookshelves of all these bad ideas, right?

And we were taking these ideas and we were tossing them into the trash. And I thought that it was just–I mean, it was such a great picture of what the

Bible says. The Bible says, the grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of God stands forever, right?

Right. You wouldn't be tossing Bibles into the trash like that, but you're tossing all of these ideas in the trash.

And this is one of those ideas that just caught on for a while and developed this

Christian cult following, a really strong cult following. So much so that if you were to question it,

I mean, you were almost questioning their fundamental identity as a person.

And, I mean, I've gotten people so mad at me for not being overly impressed with this stupid book in that way.

But, I mean, it just goes to show that you have a Bible, man. You don't have to have all these clever ideas that you come up with.

Fortunately, this one is starting to go the way of the dodo bird in that way.

And we're on to new ideas like the Enneagram or Chosen or whatever else that are just the big thing or whatever.

But they'll go, too. They'll be gone, too. They'll be tossed into the trash can soon enough, too. So was the book written by a

Christian or was it a secular person? I mean, he's a Christian psychologist kind of guy.

So you have these five love languages. And part of the problem is that you can't really integrate psychology in the

Bible. And so this is basically based on the idea of five love languages. You basically take all the assumptions of secular psychology and then you key in on some kind of quasi -useful insight and you get carried away with it.

And so what it is is it's mostly just kind of pop psychology with very little Bible mixed into it as far as those things are concerned.

But then the idea, I mean, if you give the devil his due or whatever, the idea is that people, the big idea is that people like to be loved in different ways.

So you have these five, quote, unquote, love languages which are not meant to be comprehensive expressions of how people like to be loved, but just kind of the big five categories.

But then if you were to think in terms of the big five ways people like to be loved, words of affirmation.

So some people, they really thrive on encouragement. I'm not necessarily one of those people. I don't actually care too much if I get a lot of encouragement.

I mean, it's nice, but then I can do without it. I'm okay. I don't crave it.

I don't need it. I'll be okay without it. But then in a corresponding way, I'm probably not the most encouraging person in the world either.

So there's that. I could take it or leave it, and then I don't really liberally give it because it's just kind of like, yeah, whatever.

Who needs that? So you have words of affirmation. You have quality time. So some people really like just quality time with each other.

Other people, more loners kind of thing. So there's words of affirmation.

Don't get us into the introvert extrovert. Well, that's part of that. Yeah. So the introvert kind of people, they don't really need the quality time so much.

They need quality time with themselves. Their love language to themselves is to give themselves quality time.

No, but then there's the receiving gifts. There's the receiving gifts.

So for some people, receiving gifts is really meaningful, a lot more than others. I'm also kind of like a take -it -or -leave -it person with receiving gifts.

I appreciate a thoughtful gift, but then it is what it is.

So I don't get bent out of shape if everyone doesn't throw me a big party and buy me a bunch of presents that are exactly what

I imagined they would be in my dreams or something like that. So you have receiving gifts. You have acts of service.

So some people feel loved when other people serve them and do things for them that are thoughtful.

And then the last one is physical touch. So you have those five kind of categories, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch.

And those are predominantly meant to be ways in which people like to be loved. But then what typically happens is that people, they often give.

They give these things to others. So they give what they want. So if you have a person who loves physical touch, they want to get physical touch.

They may be very touchy with another person. And so if you have another person who's kind of like a, I don't really want to be touched, leave me alone kind of person, they may think it's bizarre that you're violating their space all the time or something along those lines.

So a lot of Hispanic people are much more touch -oriented than gringos are at that point too.

And you can see that with the space distance, how close they stand and everything else. But I mean, you think about these things.

So what you do is you're meant to categorize people in terms of, I like to be loved in this way.

You like to be loved in this way. And then the corresponding thing is you often give what you want.

And then if you have two people that are, like the big idea is like, well, let's say that you have the person who loves physical touch who is constantly giving the other person physical touch.

But then their love language was gifts or whatever, receiving gifts. And so the physical touch person is expressing love by giving them physical touch.

And they don't really want to be touched. They just want a thoughtful gift, right? And so then in that kind of situation, they may feel like you hate them because you're never giving them the thoughtful gifts that they want when that's just not quote -unquote how you communicate love, so to speak, right?

So then what you might have is you might have two people who are trying to love people in the wrong way because they don't understand their love language.

And so then the key to everything is to figure out these love languages. But as far as that is concerned,

I mean, it's a fine idea. It's a fine observation. There's obviously some truth to that. I don't know that the categories are, you know, you're meant to be sanctifying the categories or anything like that.

But then part of the issue here is that there's a lot more to the love language idea than all that, okay?

So the love language idea is essentially that everyone has like this love cup that needs to be full.

This is why it's really, this is where it really goes off the rails, okay? So the other observation is fine.

It's neutral, whatever. I mean, it's a fine observation. There's some truth to it. Just don't get too carried away with it.

But then where it really starts going off the rails is like the idea that everyone has this love cup that needs to be full.

And then the fundamental premise of the book is that if your love cup isn't full, you're fundamentally not able to love other people well, right?

So the idea is that like in order to get your love cup full, man, you have to get your love cup full.

And in order to get your love cup full, you have to figure out what your love language is. And this is why everyone is like they were constantly just telling everyone, here's what my love language is, is because like in order for them to be a well -adjusted person, they have to know what their love language is and get other people to give it to them so they can have their love cup full.

And then if you get your love cup full, then you're going to want to give to other people what they need.

You get what I'm saying? So it's like you have to get your love cup full. When you feel loved and it's full and it's overflowing, the overflowing part is you giving to other people out of the overflow and then not you giving out of a deficit or something like that.

So the idea is if you're like, hey, man, if you're a physical touch person and your wife never touches you, never gives you any physical touch, then you're not going to be motivated to give her any gifts, right?

Because your love cup is not full, right? So you need to get your love cup full in order for you to feel good, feel good and be motivated to give her what she wants.

So the big problem there is obviously it's just this giving to get kind of scheme.

It all resolves to I scratch your back if you scratch mine. I'm fundamentally incapable of being a sacrificial, other -centered person unless you give me what

I need. I mean, just think about the example of Christ at that point. We didn't do anything for him.

Christ was an example of God becoming man and he's the

God of his sanity. He needs nothing from us. He gets nothing from us. We add nothing to him. He came and his love towards us was completely and totally one -sided and you can just imagine him sitting there, sitting around thinking,

Peter, you're not loving me like I, you're not giving me my love language. My love cup's just not full.

It's not full. Lord, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me because -

Because no one will fill it up. Well, hey, come on now. I think

Jesus, his love language must have been words of affirmation because you remember when he gets baptized, the father says, this is my beloved son with whom

I'm well -pleased. So, obviously, it was words of affirmation. Otherwise, why would

God have said that? Yeah, the Trinitarian endeavor where God was filling the son's love cup so that the son didn't -

It definitely wasn't a sign to prove that he was the Messiah. It was to fill his love cup, man.

Come on. This is like Theology 101. How could I have not known? How could

I have not known? Yeah, I think it really does strike me as a very, essentially, it strikes me as a system that is supposed to sound like it is selfless, but it's actually just subversively teaching you to be selfish.

Yeah, it's a whole - Because you're constantly thinking about me, me, me.

This is the way in which I receive love. Forget all those other ways that you can love someone.

This is the one that I prefer, and I want you to do this for me. And if you don't do this for me, then

I'm not going to be able to love you. And I think it just - So, if you read 1

Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 8, love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous.

Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly. It does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. And, you know, so you hear this description of what love is, and it sounds pretty different from the five love languages.

You know, like, love does not seek its own. I mean, like, that seems to fly right in the face of the five love language system, or, you know, whatever you want to call it.

Does not take into account a wrong suffered, bears all things, you know, believes, hopes all things, endures all things.

None of that really sounds like it, you know - I don't necessarily think that people who -

You're forgetting, Harrison. You're forgetting. Oh, what am I forgetting? You know, the first - the greatest commands, right?

So you love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind and strength, and you love your neighbor as you love yourself. So you can't love your neighbor unless you first love yourself.

You know, I know you remember this, but I was taught that. That's what I was taught in my

Bible psychology class. It was more psychology than Bible. You know, if you ask me, but essentially, yeah, it's like this idea that, hey, you've got to, you know, to overcome any problem that you have, you need to love yourself first.

Because if you don't love yourself, or if you don't recognize that God loves you, and because God loves you, you need to love yourself.

You're never going to be able to love other people. And all of these things are just teaching people to be selfish at the end of the day.

Teaching people to be the exact opposite of this passage in 1

Corinthians, where it's like, hey, that passage isn't an indirect excuse to love yourself first and then everyone around you.

It's the opposite. You love everyone else around you, not yourself.

And so I guess that's always been my hangup with it at the end of the day, is you're just focusing on what you want.

And imagine how arrogant it is for someone to do something to express their love for you, and then you say, that's great and all, but that's not how

I receive love. Jared Well, I mean, that's not an uncommon scenario. I mean, that's essentially...

Pete No, I know it's not. I know it's not. I've experienced that before with people, where they essentially just, you know, blow you off because they receive love through gifts, and you decided to show your love for them by having quality time with them or whatever it is.

And it's like, well, that time didn't count because it wasn't a gift. So I don't know what to tell you.

I feel like you never show me that you care about me. I feel like you never show me that you love me, you know?

And it's like, what are you talking about? I try all the time, you know? And I mean,

I've experienced that personally, you know? And so I have no doubt that many people experience that on a regular basis.

Jared Yeah, that was, you know, just a pretty common thing that has happened in plenty of biblical counseling sessions that I had to where, you know, the husband and wife are doing that very thing to where they're both looking at the other person and saying, hey, the way that you're trying to love me is not good enough, and that's not what

I appreciate. So, I mean, when you think about these kind of things, I mean, this is obviously, this is what you were taught in Bible college.

That's what you were taught. But this is basically just self -esteem, like the self -esteem movement applied to specific examples.

So, like, the whole idea is that in order for a person to be a psychologically well -adjusted person, they need to, you know, basically be praised and be appreciated and shown love in the ways that they value.

So, this is just a unique spin on that. And mercifully, the self -esteem movement has basically gone the way of the dodo bird, too.

So, there's that. But, I mean, certainly, I mean, as you read through the Bible, there's so many Bible verses that contradict this kind of thinking.

I mean, I brought up the example of Christ. You brought up 1 Corinthians. But Philippians 2 is another great passage to think about, which says, do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourself, right?

Look, let each of you look not only to his own interest, but also to the interest of others. That's a far cry from the,

I need you to love me the way I need to be loved. Let's look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others.

When we think about loving, which kind of thing? I mean, this is, like, the whole idea is that your personality is fixed. It's unmovable, and you need to be loved in a certain way in order to be psychologically, you know, well -adjusted and whole.

I mean, that's entirely opposite of what the Bible says. The Bible says get your focus off yourself. In everything, give thanks for this will of God in Christ, right?

So you need to be thankful for other people and get your eyes off of yourself and learn not to look to your own interest, but to the interest of others.

Meaning, like, hey, if you don't appreciate quality time like you should, you probably should learn to appreciate quality time, particularly for the sake of others, because just like the

Lord said, it's more blessed to give than to receive. But then, you know, as you keep on going in Philippians, have this mind among yourself, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not account the quality of God, a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself by taking on the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men, and being found in human form.

He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed upon him a name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under earth, and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is

Lord to the glory of God the Father. So, I mean, you think about those kind of things, we're to model our lives after the example of Christ.

And Jesus, he wasn't running around saying, hey, you know, you're not loving me the way I deserve to be loved.

And if you don't love me right, you know, I'm not going to be able to go to the cross for you, you know. So you want me to go to the cross just to forgive your sins, don't you?

Well, I don't know if I can do that unless you get better. My love cup's just not filled up.

It's not, man. Yeah, so, I mean, it's fundamentally, it's just an absurd idea. Okay, fair enough.

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