Enemies Within The Walls: Lack Of Forgiveness (part 5)

Father in heaven Lord, we just come before you this morning thankful for the opportunity to meet to bear one another's burdens to Be instructed by your word to look to what the scriptures

Say to us In terms of how we ought to conduct ourselves Within the house of the

Lord within the body of Christ and father I pray that you would bless each one here that we would Look at each other and consider each other as more important than ourselves that we might honor you in Keeping your word in that way

Lord. Would you bless each one here as we talk about issues that sometimes are difficult and can really cause us to struggle

In our Christian walk father. I pray that you'd bless our time here in Jesus name. Amen, and when we talk about Good morning.

I am Steve Cooley just in case you're a warning when we talk about Forgiveness it it's difficult and It's hard sometimes because some issues are just hard to let go of and we've talked about that a little bit and last week

We started looking at some real issues some real -life situations and the first one we talked about was a wife

Giving instructions to the son or the child and then being countermanded by being negated as it were by her husband in front of the child and all the difficulties that could arise there and you know whether or not that that is a

Situation that calls for forgiveness. Well, of course it does The wife doesn't need forgiveness from anyone.

She was doing the right thing, but the husband Did not handle things I would argue in the best way

So and he really weakened not just the the mom's place in the home

But he also weakened his own because now he's made it kind of Open season which parent will tell me what

I want to hear How can I how can I make things work? So that was the first situation the second one someone emailed this to me and I think this is a very common problem an adult

Christian professes to have forgiven his or her parents for their rough treatment of him or her and The violence that was present in the home when he or she grew up But they still blame their parents for difficulties in their lives

Furthermore, they make it plain that they want as little to do with their parents as is humanly possible

If you don't know somebody who struggles with this You're probably just not talking to him to too many people because I'll tell you it is very common

And what we think about this and and I'll get your ideas in just a minute But when we think about this, you know, what's often not done.

I mean, you know people This is therapy. I mean, I'm sorry, but when you start talking about, you know, your father issues your mother issues.

This is Lay down on the couch and talk to dr. Freud time Who had a perfect mother and father raise your hand?

I don't know what to do with that pastor Harry guy Nobody had a nobody had a perfect mother or father

Except for my kids and it was their mother who was perfect, you know, so I could say that that's fine

Everybody has you know mother or father issues and you know what? I'm I I'll just put it this way, you know, first of all, how do you need to think about it?

Even if we just set aside the Bible for a second, which is dangerous But if you're if your home life when you grew up was not idyllic it was not perfect there were issues

There were problems there were sin. There was sin in the home I've just described now 100 % of the homes

If that was true, then what do you say? What do you say to yourself? Well, I can't help my own behavior

I guess I just have to you know My parents made me do this Or you say to yourself by the grace of God Because I have the grace of God now.

I want my home to be different. I Want the impact that I have on my kids to be different now

I'm not gonna be perfect and I'm sure my kids are gonna grow up and Are they here this morning?

I don't want to hear any amens if they are There are probably things in in our home that are just like, you know,

I don't exactly want to replicate those things that's fine and The only thing you should really be learning from your parents or you know

Still trying to correct in them is the mistakes that they made and you don't want to do the same thing The sins that they did and you don't want to do the same thing, but let's talk about this.

What about this idea? That you can say that you've forgiven your parents

But you blame them for stuff in your life. Is that is that forgiveness?

Why not still holding on to the grudge?

What might we call that scripturally Well sin yeah, but specifically bitterness

Doesn't the scripture call it somewhere? the root of bitterness Why is that What about bitterness?

In fact, let's just I'll skip ahead a little bit and we'll get back to this here Let's look at Ephesians chapter 4

Ephesians chapter 4 verses 31 32 a couple verses that should be familiar to us

Because I've read them like every week One thing you're never supposed to do by the way, it's turn your back on everybody.

Sorry about that Ephesians chapter 4 verses 31 and 32 and would somebody read that please?

Okay now listen what O 'Brien says he says there's a negative exhortation a call to remove anger and related vices

Which is balanced by a corresponding positive admonition to practice mutual generosity mercy and forgiveness

Finally a motivating clause. In other words, why do you need to do this? Just as God and Christ forgave you

This is tantamount to a theological reason this is there's a biblical counseling

Mantra for this and it's a scriptural one and it is this put off and put on Put off old behaviors put on new ones put off the old man

Stop acting like what an unbeliever like you used to act start acting like a believer

And when we read this passage Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you

Along with all malice. Well, this is how unbelievers act if an unbeliever is bitter and angry and wants to do violence and is

Raging We just go. Well, that's it's my wife likes to say that's an unbeliever acting like an unbeliever

What happens when believers act like unbelievers Not only is it sin that's easy.

But what else? It's shameful.

Well, they might be doing what they are right if a believer does those things Then what would we say?

Not only is it sin, but what else would we say to them? You're shaming the name of Christ and basically you're saying that the work of Christ obviously, it's not finished in you, but it didn't change you as much as Maybe it ought to have it hasn't had the full impact on you because maybe you still think it's okay to act like that We need to put off and put on and I want to read this and then we'll get back to that specific issue

Unbelievers cling to bitterness and anger listen to what how Bitterness is described literally

Found this in a Bible dictionary of plants that produce inedible or poisonous fruit

That's what the word literally means Inedible or poisonous fruit metaphorically, it means a troublemaker a divisive person

Kistemacher wrote this he says the disposition of the person with a sharp tongue or tongue sharp as an arrow keen as a razor

He resents his neighbor. So he needles him is ever ready to fly off the handle with a reply that bites or stings

That is a bitter person That's not how we should be known

Somebody with a sharp tongue who just loves to fling around insults and put people down Now, let's go back to this idea of bitterness

Adult Christian who says that they forgiven his or her parents for the flaws in their home when they were growing up But they still blame their parents for the difficulties in their lives

What would you say to someone who said that you haven't really forgiven them

You can say that you've forgiven them, but the truth is you don't understand what forgiveness is

This is gonna be a common theme throughout these real -life examples because what we so often hear is people say

I forgive you But what do they mean? What does that mean if you want to say that you've forgiven somebody but you're still clinging on to the bitterness?

You're still holding on to you know That little roots that little remaining little tiny bit of bitterness

What does it say? Means I'd rather not talk about anymore.

Let's just forget about it. Let's just move on You know, I've forgiven them in the sense that I don't really want to talk about it right now

Doesn't really bother me at the moment But like pastor Dave said, you know, I'm ready. I'm ready to bring it back up.

I'm ready to pour water on that roots Raise it up. Let's have a healing service on that root of bitterness

Let's make sure we get some poisonous fruit some inedible fruit it's it's

What do you suppose you're gonna hear if you say if you go to this Christian person you say you know what you really haven't forgiven

Your parents you really just need to let go of the bitterness to just understand that whatever they did

Whatever sins they committed You need to forgive it and you need to let go What are you gonna hear you don't know what

I've been through is that true or not It is true.

So let's hold that thought for a moment because I want to go back to Some other notes I have here listen to what again,

Simon Kistemacher says He says all the injuries that we have ever suffered because of the ill will of our fellow men including our parents

That's my at addition there Can never be compared with the abuse he the sinless one endured

Being spit upon maligned crowned with thorns crucified Yet he forgave but you don't understand.

I don't I Really don't What I do know is

That Jesus Christ went through more and he didn't deserve any of it And he did it so that we might be forgiven of all of our sins all of our transgressions against God I Would say to this person with all love and all respect

Which means I'm about to drop the hammer on With all do know What they really don't understand is they have still to what too high of you of themselves

You don't know what? I've been through You don't know what was done to Me The answer is true.

I don't I do know that every sin that you commit against a thrice

Holy God deserves eternal punishment What you suffered in I think to some extent again unless you had perfect parents

Which you didn't we all suffer in some ways and some sins are you know Are there sins that I don't want to say they're unforgivable, but we talked about it before are there sins that have ongoing?

Consequences that are never going to go away. Yes And I'm not talking about that.

I'm not talking about criminal offenses that are just so heinous that we can't I'm not saying you shouldn't forgive.

I'm just saying that there are some things where there's never gonna be a restoration of the relationship you know your

I Don't think this is true of anybody here, but your father kills your mother It's pretty hard to for really forgive and restore that relationship especially when he's like you know what?

She deserved it, and he spends the rest of his life in prison. You're probably not gonna go see him very often So can there be?

You know temporal consequences as a result yes, but I think in most cases. We're not talking about that.

We're talking about you know verbal abuse Etc etc etc and again.

I don't want to minimize those things But if we understand What we deserve before God and what he did for us then

We recognize we don't have the right to hold on to that bitterness What about this as?

This situation goes on they make it plain that they want as little to do with their parents as is humanly possible

Do you know people like that? professing Christians Who say I?

Don't want to see my mom. I don't want to see my dad. I don't want to talk to them. What would you say to that person?

It's pretty rough. They're breaking one of the ten commandments I mean it's pretty rough to say that and to even look at Ephesians chapter 6 where it says honor your mother and father

Doesn't say have warm fuzzy feelings about them. It says honor them honor them

Obey them when you're a child, but honor them for the rest of your life You know when does that end when can you just say you know what

I'm done with my mom and dad What when you die

I? mean there's another maybe a little stronger thing even

You're angry with your mom and dad You're maybe bitter against them. You know well, or you say you've forgiven them.

You just don't want to talk to him anymore Okay, I'm not really sure what kind of forgiveness that is but think about this you

Christian You've been forgiven of every sin that you've ever committed you have a mother and father who are not saved and You say

I don't want to talk to them. You might as well say what

I? Hope my mom and dad go to hell Really, is that what you really want?

That's not a forgiven heart You're not acting as if you've been forgiven. I don't know that I could look at Anybody and say you know what

I wish this person would go to hell. I wish this person would face the unrestrained wrath of God for eternity your parents

You need to rethink that there are thoughts or comments about that Deb.

That's a great point. You know It's a it's a great point

Deb says you know what about the other way, and it's really Probably more common or at least people are more vocal about it, right?

You have kids who I don't know maybe they ask for their inheritance ahead of time

And they go off to a foreign land, and they squander it and they act like crazy fools Just cut them off They show it back at your house, and you just say you know what

I think we've still got a tent In the basement you can pitch it.

You know it'll be like Valley Forge. Maybe but you can survive We think of Luke 15 and the prodigal son, and what did he what does the father do he says?

You know Expresses his thankfulness why because the child who was

Essentially dead is now alive and when we sever that relationship what we're essentially doing is we're saying

They're dead to me, and I hope they stay dead to me I Don't want to see them coming back around Bruce.

Well. I think that's well said I mean Hanging on to that root of bitterness you really are hindering your walk with Christ And you know one way to look at it would be just as we spoke about in Matthew 7

You know just imagine trying to navigate through life, and you've got this gigantic beam in your eye all the time

Be really hard if physically you had that well spiritually you do have that if there's something that you're really clinging to and and again

I just think it comes back to one thing you really don't understand the greatness of your own sin

And you don't understand the greatness of your own salvation You know

What kind of relationship can you have with parents or children in this situation well?

I? Think there are still going to be times especially as a parent where Your children because they are your children are going to come to you maybe not for financial help

But maybe they're gonna have questions about life. What so what do you do? I'm not talking to you until You know you become a better son till you become a better daughter till you stop

X Y or Z I'm just cutting you out No, we want to be gracious and kind Loving give them wise counsel

Why because we also want the opportunity to do what? Preach the gospel

We want to see them repent Yeah, and and ideally

I agree with that 100 % Joni's saying this that you know God sovereignly ordained this situation whatever it is and ultimately hopefully for the benefits of this person and And what do we know that if we're believers that all things?

Work together for good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose So whether we have a child who strayed or parents that were less than ideal

God gave us those parents God gave us those children he's working through these situations and sometimes this exact trial this exact difficulty is

Exactly what we need Certainly, and it may be what they need we might be as Joni was saying we might be the precise messenger

To finally get them to listen and say you know what I'm a great sinner

Let me tell you about a great Savior You're a great sinner Let me tell you about a great

Savior whom you need to believe on Me these are you know every one of these situations really is a gospel opportunity

Any other thoughts about the adult professing Christian Peggy? Such a great

Excuse me a great biblical example Peggy brings up. You know just imagine we think of Joseph's sold into slavery and You know then race to a position of importance in Egypt such that when his family comes there and he recognizes them they don't recognize him and Finally you know he but he's the one who breaks down and says you know what you meant for evil

God meant for good Now just imagine if he had said you know what God meant for good

What you guys meant for evil, I'm gonna do evil like ten times and he could have I Mean there's a heart who understands again

The forgiveness of God and wants to extend that to others because what are you done or what it had been done to him?

I don't imagine that many of us could Project a worse scenario than our brothers selling us into slavery.

That's pretty rough You know out of jealousy and whatnot so yeah, that's an excellent example

Okay, we'll maybe do one more here. Yeah, go ahead That's right yeah, if he if he hadn't picked

Jacob as his favorite giving him that special coat You know none of this or Joseph none of this stuff would have happened

Yep now, I'm sure that this has never happened in any of your homes

Okay probably in most of your homes if you're married a Husband asked his wife to do something while he's at work.

She doesn't do it. She forgets about it When he asks about it She gets upset and says something angry or the flipside would be what?

He says how could you forget that that was very important? How could you forget? How what do you do in situations like that What do you do when there's anger expressed on one side or maybe both sides?

Maybe there's gonna be some you know as a credit card bill due and now there's gonna be interest or a penalty or Something you can't afford on it great now our rate goes up to 27 % or whatever they charge these days by the way, that's just a subtle reminder to get out of credit card debt so What about situations like that these happen all the time

What do we do yeah, Peggy? Okay, I like that unless you were in a car accident.

You should have done it. That's right, but you need to ask you need Try that with my wife.

Yeah, what are you in a car accident? She never makes mistakes, so we don't have a problem nada.

Yeah, it's a really a big enough issue to make a Make a stand on and I think you know to turn this for a moment into a marriage class

I Think we always need to ask ourselves and this goes for every relationship whether it's within the home whether it's at work or whatever

Even within the body of Christ you always need to ask yourself is what I'm about to say going to bring about a worthwhile result

I'm gonna be talking about the tongue here in the weeks to come you know some weeks to come here, and it really

Because it's just so important We just forget how much damage we do with What we say and then the circumstances that follow after it all the repair that we have to do all the damage control

We have to do after we say something where have whereas if we just never said it No problem,

I'm mad at my wife because she forgot to do something Okay Have I ever made a mistake have

I ever gotten to do anything have I ever disappointed her? Beyond all that let's say

I'm the perfect husband Thank you. Have I ever done anything?

Against God have I ever sinned against him and in light of that even if I've never sinned against my wife

Which is very a dubious proposition in Light of all that God has forgiven me.

How quick should I be to forgive? So if I never even say how could you if I never even salt her by calling her names?

You know all the things that people do You know well that was really dumb. That's really gonna cost us money or who's gonna pay for that all the things that we love to just You know put the shiv between the ribs really it is the root of bitterness

It's like exactly what I described is that person with the sharp tongue the quick insults

It's this kind of situation that does it it's a small thing. We ought to just kind of go well

These things happen in life. Let's move on and let's try not to do that again This is uh well, we can do this one to a

Member of the church is asked by another member to serve in a ministry For which the person is well qualified you ask somebody to do something and you know that they can do it

He or she declines and gives no reason Do you just say to yourself?

You know what? that person Is a dope I personally have struggled with this on many occasions no,

I Mean if you ask somebody you know here's something. Let me just give you a lesson in What would

I call this Organizational I'm gonna come up with some fantastic term here organizational management and skill development

Whatever that means When we at a Bethlehem Bible Church if we put out what we call the general call if we sent out a

BBC announce You know asking somebody to do something. I'd say the rate of return on that is probably about You know 0 .1

% You know it happens But it's about like me expecting to hit the bullseye throwing a dartboard over my head with my eyes closed, you know like that Not too good

Actually, I like my chances of hitting the bullseye better or my head look, you know like that If we make an announcement for the pulpit the odds are even worse because nobody's listening

Sorry, if we put it in the bulletin forget about it unless you're at the recycling plant Then no, it just won't happen

The best way to get somebody to do something is to do what is to ask them directly now you ask somebody to do something

I asked someone to serve in the sound ministry because you know, that's what they do for a living

They they're a sound engineer, you know for a television studio. I can say that because nobody here is

I asked somebody to Whatever it is ask somebody to do and I know that they can do it and they just say no

Well, how do I just let that go? Should I should

I care at all and I don't just mean me I mean you a lot of times what we do here by the way is we try not to keep everything centrally

We try not to keep too tight a grip on things Why because it would be too much for the elders to just run around and try to run everything

So we have deacons and then the deacons have people the deacons have deacons. I guess you could say Who asked people to serve in various ways and what what happens with them

You know when they ask somebody to serve and somebody says no, then I think it's easy kind of to get a little offended

Especially when somebody doesn't give you any reason You know, would you mow the lawn? Would you shovel some snow?

No Well, it's easier when you say well, no, I can't shovel snow because I don't like to brag but I've got a 71 % disabled

Rating, you know, thank you. It's easier when somebody says well,

I'd like to help out in that way, but I've got two jobs and I'm going to school

I'd like to help out in that way, but I've got You know, I'm a single parent with a job a child, you know, it's and I'm already serving in two other ministries

Can you find somebody else? But people get upset with each other.

I don't know if this has ever happened to you They get offended within the body of Christ we do that sometimes easily

Okay, just one more any any comments about that? Yeah, go ahead Harry Yeah, that's a great point because it really is a great point

It could be a discipling opportunity why because sometimes I honestly I think if you ask people how they serve at the church

What do you think? Probably the number one thing people would say on there is How do you serve at Bethlehem Bible Church?

My ministry is fill -in -the -blank. What's the number one? I wish it was praying teaching

I Don't think so. I don't think that's the number one thing that people would say. I think the number one thing that people would say is

I Go to church. I'm just I'm just guessing maybe we should do a survey on that But then of course the problem is what?

Most people that you asked to take the survey would refuse Would you take the survey?

No, okay. I Think I think people I think Harry's exactly right if you have that kind of discipling relationship where you're just kind of saying in light of salvation

In light of all that God has granted you You can give back to him in a way that's not necessarily financial

But it's also just one of serving the body of meeting the needs of the local church so I think that's a great way to just kind of Basically put your arm around somebody and sort of help them to understand that It's good other thoughts on that.

Yeah, Pastor Dave. Yeah, good.

It could be something a great point It could be something entirely different or maybe they understand that and they'd like to serve

But there's so many other issues going on in their life You know things were

I mean have you ever had that just kind of shell -shocked Experience where you're just I don't want to say you're a zombie

But you're just kind of like maintaining This is all you're doing in life And you know part of that might it might help to have somebody come alongside and just talk to him mark

Yeah, and I think that's a great point I think it kind of goes back to even what Harry was saying

Maybe I didn't phrase it all that well a lot of times what we fail to understand. It's just in light of the greatness of What has been accomplished on our behalf there ought to be an accompanying sense of well, okay now what you know?

What I just became an American citizen. What do I do now? You know can I go you know? Serve in the

Coast Guard, or I don't know why the Coast Guard But you know there's an you just want to do something you feel compelled

Because you're in love with the United States of America well after you get saved you ought to be so in love with Christ You ought to just think well there must be some way that I can sort of express this

Some way that I can serve other Christians some way that I can come alongside others So yeah great it great idea

In the back Karen I absolutely grew that I mean there are a lot of areas where You know maybe we have we have needs within the local body, and you just say well

You know what I'd like to but I have absolutely No idea you know I could send an email and I can shop on Amazon But that's about the extent of my computer skills

So so that would be I think I got an amen on the shopping on Amazon so that that would be

You know a situation where maybe You know somebody could come alongside if it was minimal.

I mean like I'll just confess. I have absolutely no idea I really don't sorry how

Excel works. You know a lot of you are probably just like well That's the easiest thing ever and I'm like okay. I just don't get it

I have no idea what it does. You know so when I need an Excel spreadsheet. I'm just like Kristen Can you whip out an

Excel spreadsheet that does that uh you know five minutes later there? It is I'm gonna. How does she do that because she knows what it you know what it can do, and I just really don't

So yeah, I think there are certainly Limitations there are physical limitations there are technological limitations or time limitations there may be other

Reasons so I I mean we ought not to be quick to judge, but I think sometimes it can get

You know by the time you're on the 40th or 50th person that you've asked to help you it can get a little discouraging

So you know on the flip side? I think sometimes we ought to just we ought to be willing to say yes Just to kind of encourage one another even if it's only a one -time deal if you say you know what

I don't have the time But this time I can Okay Any other thoughts, and then we probably need to we need to close

Or the today's preacher will be complaining about the time Bob well and a great thought and from another standpoint

This is something that pastor Mike has said you know he likes to Open things up like the discipleship class to just all the guys why he goes well because you never know

What somebody's gonna come along and just surprise you you know you might think that so -and -so's never gonna be able to never gonna be able to do

X Y or Z and they say you know what I'm willing and you know they get some help to kind of get over the learning curve, and then they're off to the races and People fool you all the time so in good ways

Anyway, let's let's pray and we'll Continue lit next week father.

We just again are in awe of Your son Jesus Christ of the forgiveness that you have granted us

For our sins Father we would pray that you would strengthen each one here that we would

Endeavor to put off the old man to catch ourselves thinking

That's not how I ought to be thinking and how should I think about this or that or this person?

How should I respond to that? Father would you conform us daily?