Is It Wrong for a Husband and a Wife to Sleep in Separate Beds?

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00:03

Okay, but we still have to talk through like what are the motivations That you have pushing you towards sleeping in different beds or even in different rooms or different homes even

00:15

You know, what what what is motivating you to want to do that to begin with? Morning, the following message may be offensive to some audiences

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01:52

Welcome to Bible bash where we aim to equip the Saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions You're not allowed to ask we're your host

01:59

Harrison Kerrigan pastor Tim mullet and today We'll answer the age -old question. Is it wrong for a husband and wife to sleep in different beds now

02:08

Tim? What Bible verse you have for us about husbands and wives? sleeping in the same bed

02:14

Yeah I mean Hebrews 13 for says let marriage be held in honor among all and let the marriage bed be undefiled for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous

02:23

The marriage bed. What is the marriage bed? Tell us about the marriage bed. What does that mean? What's kind of a euphemism?

02:31

Yeah, hey if you can stay away from the bird, you know the particular birds and bees aspect of it

02:36

That what is the marriage you see Harrison when When a young man grows up When a

02:45

Christian father when a Christian husband and a Christian wife love each other very much. They they have a marriage bed

02:56

So so, you know, we're talking about we're talking about Husbands and wives sleeping in the same bed together, you know, this is something that I I have to admit

03:07

Tim I don't personally think much about myself because in my mind, it's just kind of a given That a husband and a wife would sleep in the same bed

03:17

I mean, you know that I think like just from my from my own limited perspective

03:24

I've just it's just like not even a Conversation, you know, it's like you just this is just so obvious that Well, I just don't even know why anyone would think anything else this high besides Yes, a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed every single night.

03:44

Now. I know where I do think I do think I think I think probably there are a lot of people who

03:52

Would think they're in the same spot that I I'm in but then I I don't know if everyone's really thinking about all of the questions behind this question and all of the different Scenarios that you might encounter.

04:04

So you the re you originally asked this on A poll on Twitter or X or whatever?

04:12

It's called which by the way If you're not following us on there You need to go follow us on there because there's a lot there's a lot of really good content

04:19

You know if you ask me I'm showing my my humility right here there's a lot of really good content that we're putting out there that you're not gonna see in the in the

04:29

Podcast and polls and you know, you get to discuss with us and whatnot. So you need to go follow us over there, but putting that aside now

04:37

Tim you ran a poll on this and You you were saying I I didn't see this one

04:43

But you're saying there's a lot of interaction on this particular poll and typically what that means is there's a lot of people who disagree

04:51

Do disagree with each other on the top? So apparently this isn't as much of a given as As I expected it to be basically, so what were some of the you know, what were the some some of the conflicting?

05:06

you know Stances on the people were giving on this particular poll

05:14

Yeah, so, I mean I I asked it in relationship to snoring because snoring snoring is one of those

05:20

You know common marriage problems. So in general like this is just a common marriage counseling marriage fight kind of scenario where the guy is snoring and the wife is sick of it and She she's struggling with her bitterness and resentment towards her husband because she's you know

05:38

Trying to sleep in the same bed with him, but then he's snoring and all that and you know So in that kind of scenario she may go sleep in another room or something because she's just so tired of dealing with it and then

05:50

This is causing problems within the marriage in particular. So I I did

05:55

I did a poll on snoring I said should a wife sleep in the same bedroom with a husband who snores what's the biblical case?

06:01

So I did that and you know, 66 % said yes, they should but then you know

06:08

The other 33 % you know, thirty three point four percent or whatever Were unwilling to say yes there

06:14

So, I mean this isn't like like the issue is it's most people have the impulse to say Yeah, they should obviously sleep in the same bed.

06:20

They're married like what in the world, you know, but then This is one of those topics where when people disagree, they really disagree, right?

06:29

So it's it's um Yeah, it's just definitely one of those things where? If a person is going to take the opposite opinion from just kind of the normal standard intuitive obvious Position that you just articulated they really are emotionally invested in it and and it's often, you know

06:46

It's one of those things where you know You throw a throw a rock and a pack of dogs the one who Yelps is the one who got hit or whatever

06:53

This is one of those where they just tell on themselves like when they when they get really bent out of shape about it

06:58

It's like oh, I guess you guys Are you so did anyone so did anyone give like a did anyone give a biblical argument for why they?

07:08

Don't have to sleep in the same bed. Well, I mean It's one of those things where the standard kind of response to a question like this is just to say hey

07:19

The Bible doesn't say anything about it. Don't be a legalist you Pharisee. Well, hang on.

07:25

That's not true there You know, what about when Paul talks about, you know separating for a time?

07:34

Come on come on, you know what people no one brought no one at least brought that up No, no, no,

07:40

I brought that up. No one but really I mean there wasn't any I mean I did that I did several polls along these lines just to see and I would ask what's the biblical case and People get mad at me for asking what's the biblical case because I'm just wanting to hear

07:52

How they're thinking through the issue, right? Sure Yeah, and you know So then you know

07:57

I'm getting people like really Ticked off at me for even asking the question. It's like you guys have jumped a shark.

08:02

This is such a stupid question and You know, there's no biblical case for this and what they what they're doing in that moment is it's kind of embarrassing what they're doing but it's like one of those scenarios where When people encounter an ethical question that they haven't thought through before Instead of just thinking through What the

08:20

Bible says and trying to say hey, are there any commands or principles that would be relevant to this scenario?

08:26

Which could give us some sort of? Guidance here, right? So instead of doing that they they instantaneously retreat to like the kind of argumentation that a liberal will do meaning, you know, they go straight to You know that The guy saying hey, can you show me where in the

08:44

Bible that it says with my you know, iPhone? You know 20 or whatever that I'm not allowed to look at Naked pictures of women who aren't my wife at work, right?

08:55

It is I want to see that verse where it says exactly that, you know, and it's like well I don't think it's gonna speak to that level of specificity, right?

09:05

And then he goes ha gotcha. Yeah Yeah, it doesn't say anything about my type of phone does it you know, and it's just like well

09:11

I think that there are principles that could be applied to this scenario That no, there are there's none none.

09:17

No, so I want to see the exact words, you know You know, whatever it is and in this very specific kind of thing, but that isn't really what the

09:27

Bible is meant to do So, I mean you're meant to look at the Bible and you're meant to ask How do

09:34

I glorify God in every single scenario and when you're counseling a couple like you have a couple come to you for marriage

09:39

Counseling they're gonna ask like they're gonna be fighting over this issue guys snoring Wife doesn't want to sleep there and guys like what in the world, you know

09:47

Like this is weird sleeping in different sides of the house, you know I don't know what to make of this and then they're gonna be looking at you and say hey

09:54

What does the Bible say we should do about this and for the vast majority of people the answer is well I guess just do whatever you want.

10:00

I just reduce this to pragmatism and there's no Like and that's what happens in these kind of polls where you're not getting like biblical reasons that are put forward to give you some sort of Guardrails or a path to or even a framework to think about what we're even talking about So that's just kind of dismissed on the front end and the whole project is just kind of is viewed with skepticism

10:25

Because you want some very specific Verse that's going to follow a very specific formula and it's like well,

10:33

I Think whether you eat or drink or whatever you do you should do all through the glory of God And so you should be able to ask basic questions the

10:39

Bible What would be most glorifying to God in this kind of scenario? And it and yeah, sure. I think it's like what you're not really meant to do is

10:50

Think like well, are you saying that if I'm? If my hospital is like in a coma in a vegetative state, you know it if my wife is in a coma in a vegetative state at the hospital that I'm in sin for sleeping in my

11:04

Bedroom and not in her hospital bedders Like that's not really

11:11

Come on, like that's that's really not even the discussion you're talking about You're just talking about like a normal question. I think it's just one of those sad things where The fact that you would even that like The fact that you would even have to ask this question as if it's like a question shows that people

11:30

They really it's just kind of depressing, you know, like it's just a depressing thing Like just a it reveals that the state of marriages in most homes are kind of strange

11:41

Yeah, yeah, like it's very much about the individual not about the entire family, you know

11:48

Putting others before myself, right? Okay, so I mean if you think about this verse

11:55

I think there's a lot of verses that come to mind When I think about a topic like this, so you did this poll, right?

12:02

I did this poll should a wife Sleep in the same bedroom with the husband who snores was a biblical case 66 % said yes, right now

12:10

None of them really gave a good biblical case except for maybe one one one or two people brought up the Hebrew 13 verse

12:15

But that's about it, you know, and then on the other side, it's like hey, it's legalism You shouldn't even ask the question whatsoever.

12:21

But then the interesting realism. Yes legalism to even ask it Yeah, and then but then what was interesting

12:27

I said true or false It should be viewed as bizarre when a married couple sleeps in different rooms

12:33

What's the biblical case? 74 % said obviously yes true. It should be viewed as a bizarre

12:39

So what you have is like what's happening there is and and people don't think through these things

12:45

What's happening is if 74 % of the people who are responding to this poll are saying?

12:50

Yes, that should be viewed as bizarre and they don't necessarily have a biblical answer Either it's just like they've been culturally brainwashed, right?

12:59

They've just been culturally brainwashed into some kind of irrational view or there's something about the nature of marriage in the

13:06

Bible that would Make people naturally think that that's normal.

13:11

Does that make sense? Yeah and viewed as normal and I mean, I think them Sure, yeah

13:19

Hebrews 13 for let the marriage bed be held among held in honor among all and Let the marriage bed be undefiled certainly that's a euphemism, but then it also has a literal meaning

13:31

There is a such a thing as a marriage bed. And what do you do on a marriage bed? Well, you can imagine several things you do on them, you know

13:37

One of which is sleeping but then like the idea is like there is like this is kind of a special place for a married couple and only for a married couple and this is one of those like benefits of marriage rate is that you

13:51

Don't have to sleep by yourself anymore it kind of right. Yeah, so it this is one of those

13:57

You can you can say hey does it does it is that a piece of evidence in the puzzle that should

14:04

Encourage Christians to think it's normal for married women men and women to sleep in the same bed

14:09

I would say well, yeah, certainly one piece of a puzzle that could it could be added to a cumulative case

14:15

That would say that yeah, that's probably where their intuition is coming from I mean, there's other verses to it like the idea you mentioned the idea of separating but then what's even more primary than that is the definition of marriage that you see in Genesis 224 or whatever like for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and what but what do we do?

14:37

He'll leave his father and mother and what? I don't think it

14:45

I don't think it's I don't think it says sleep. What does it say? Hold fast, right, you know cling to his wife.

14:53

Yeah, cleave to his wife hold fast to his wife Like so the picture of marriage is not meant to be

14:59

Two separate people doing their own separate things, right? Like the picture of marriage is is more akin to this is a one -fleshed relationship.

15:08

You hold fast your wife you two become one and So, I mean like which is like two you know

15:17

People who are ticked off at each other because of snoring and sleeping on different sides of the house Is that really the biblical picture of marriage, you know?

15:25

Is that like holding fast your wife to becoming one kind of language or is that I mean is that does that fit the picture?

15:32

Right. So I mean you think about it along those lines. I mean and you also think about you know recently

15:39

I had a hospital visit and I'm having to sleep in the hospital and That was bizarre for me and it was bizarre for my wife and I mean just being like married like a married person

15:50

I mean, I don't know if you've had scenarios where you you had to sleep in different places or whatever and It's just kind of like it's unsettling.

16:01

It's bizarre, right? Yeah, it's like I have to it's lonely.

16:06

Yeah, I mean I have difficulty going to sleep because it's like hope you're okay, right? Yeah, you know

16:12

I mean they're There's been Situations like that where you know,

16:18

I'm out late and then my wife is texting me saying hey I can't I'm having difficulty falling asleep because I don't know where you are because my mind is wondering are you?

16:27

All right And you know everything else and so you even think about like a man's basic role as being a protector of his wife

16:33

Something along those lines and all those in all those instincts are being triggered in those moments where you're sleeping in different places, right?

16:41

Right. We're saying I'm I have a responsibility to protect this woman and I don't know if she's alright and I would hate there to be some kind of situation where I'm dead asleep or whatever and some robbers come in the house and Take her off and I didn't even know about it, right?

16:56

Yeah, I mean, so that would be you know, pretty bad So, so I mean the the the point here is just to say

17:05

I mean there's a variety of like if you think about the nature of marriage and the roles that are related to marriage and the pictures of marriage and the pictures of What married life is like?

17:15

I mean, there's a lot of things that should go into a biblically minded person's mind to say hey

17:20

This was a little bit odd, you know, like two people living like In different places when you're at the most vulnerable time that you're ever gonna be right, right

17:30

I mean, this is like an act of trust first and foremost in God, but you're in the most exposed vulnerable time that you can imagine

17:40

And we're just gonna be doing our own thing. Yeah, I think like the fact that People are even asking this kind of question

17:48

Like in general it it says a lot about the nature of how marriages go I mean, it's it's one of those things.

17:53

It's like a sad reality that I for many people

17:59

Like for many young people You I mean you can imagine what what you can remember what it was like being single

18:06

You you can barely keep yourself, you know At the appropriate distance away kind of thing, right?

18:12

Right that kind of thing, but then You shortly after marriage, you know the joke is well, you know, you have honeymoon phase

18:19

Maybe it'll last for two years or whatever and then by that time you'll you know Hate each other and basically have to figure it out

18:26

You know all the romance is gone at that point the chemical stuff is gone and now you're stuck with them and you see who they

18:32

Really are and you see how much you've been bamboozled and blindsided and whatever else but I mean for most people like that's kind of the joke like you're you got this bunch of hormones pushing it for the first few years or so and then you kind of figure out what you have and It's all over and you better have picked good at that point.

18:49

But then the sad thing is I think for most like I I Don't know.

18:54

I think for most relationships it kind of gets to this point where The couple was gradually going apart and then by the time they're empty nesters they're basically kind of doing their own thing living their own separate lives and Just somehow occupying the same space or whatever.

19:09

And I mean certainly Certainly, there's some sort of maturity that comes with marriage in marriage over a long period of time that says hey

19:19

We don't have to do everything together. You know, you don't have to say hey I'm gonna leave the room now, okay like you might

19:27

Certain kinds of people might think during the early times of the year of their marriage like that they have to if they feel odd like Not being always together in every moment, but certainly there's some kind of line there between just hey

19:40

We have to do everything together and always be together and like we're really functionally living separate lives and sleeping in our own, you know

19:47

Rooms and we You know have that little concern or care about each other at that at that point that is kind of depressing for sure you know and and something else that I was thinking through while you were talking is

20:02

You know, so think so think about it think about having a conversation with someone who says hey, it's legalism actually to Say that a husband and wife have to sleep in the same bed together, right?

20:16

You're having a conversation with that kind of person one thing that I would want to ask them is okay.

20:22

Well, what is the motivation? For not sleeping in the same bed Yeah, you know and and it's gonna be it's gonna be things like, you know, like you bring up the snoring thing

20:32

For example, well, I can't stand the snoring, you know, I just can't take it okay, well that sounds like That sounds like you're just folk you're focusing on yourself.

20:43

You're saying I so you're the guy there and You know, you're not allowed to Like most of the snoring is a guy's problem.

20:50

So when you say hey, you know ladies just get over your snoring You're just revealing yourself to be a hateful misogynistic

20:58

Misogynist bigot, you know that kind of thing. So well, I mean, you know naturally naturally you pulled off the hood

21:06

Transformed into full Emperor Palpatine at this point Emperor Palpatine, but um, but I mean seriously though, you know

21:12

And and it's not just that it's it's a lot of the you know Hey, you know,

21:18

I don't like sharing a bed, you know, or like hey, you're too hot or you're too cold or move around too much

21:24

Yeah, you move around too much. I don't I don't like I don't like cuddling, you know, whatever it is

21:30

It's just like all of these things or you know, okay, you want to talk about there's no Bible verses that apply to any of this

21:36

Well, you know, okay, like even if we even if we grant like what you know

21:42

I don't think we I don't think we should actually do this But let's say hypothetically there weren't any specific Bible verses about the marriage bed, for example

21:50

Well, even then it's like okay, but we still have to talk through like what are the motivations?

21:56

Yeah that you have pushing you towards sleeping in different beds or even in different rooms or different homes

22:03

Even you know, what what what is motivating you to want to do that to begin with?

22:09

There's no way that's biblical There's no way it's Christ's like right. So I want to say two things at the same time

22:14

So like one thing I want to say is that and people got really been out of shape about this so like this husband snoring thing is part of this is related to Just there's been an increase

22:30

Concern about issues related to sleep apnea and how it How it's related to weight, you know and everything else and so you basically have

22:40

You have a you have a lot of people who are basically turning sleep apnea into this There's almost like a moral what's interesting about the whole thing is on the one hand

22:50

They can't see like a moral mandate to sleep together They think that's just totally inappropriate right and bizarre and legalism and everything else but then they're able to draw certain principles from the

23:03

Bible that says that if a man is snoring because he's overweight right and and Then he has some moral mandate to try to resolve that in order to help his wife

23:15

One to help his wife, you know have some sort of better sleep More productive sleep or something, but then for two so that he won't you know

23:24

Unnecessarily cut his life short because he could possibly die So now that we have that the issue is like now that we have the technology to fix it, right?

23:33

then in the minds of many people are to put someone on a CPAP machine or whatever else and Resolve it or lose weight and diet and exercise and now we kind of have a better understanding

23:43

There comes like an increased moral responsibility to deal with this health problem, right?

23:48

so we're living like in that kind of world where these health problems are viewed as moral mandates like you have to do something about them and I and I and I think that You know, obviously like if if if a husband is overweight and that's causing him to snore and that's

24:06

That is a temptation for his wife. I would be the first to say that. Hey, maybe you need to take that more seriously and Do like make changes in your life in order to Produce a situation that brings about less resentment and bitterness and more closeness and everything else

24:23

So I don't put don't put a stumbling block in front of someone Sure, I saw I mean,

24:28

I'm totally willing to say that like hey if this is a big source of struggle You know for her

24:36

You can you can go on a diet too. Can't you? You know so and see if that'll help it at least it and it'd be helpful in a lot of different ways

24:44

So I'm the first person to say that at the same time like on the other end of things an

24:53

Irritable person like a person who is irritable will find no Shortage of things to be irritated about too.

25:00

Oh, yeah. Yeah, so like the the issue is that Like what do you think you would do?

25:06

Like I mean literally like what do you think you would do if? All you had was one room, you know, like what would you do then what would you do if you're you know

25:16

We didn't have the wealth and the prosperity and everything else that we have and what do you think people did for the vast majority?

25:22

of human history Like do you think that really like you're you know sleeping out in a cave or whatever and you're

25:32

You would just go and you know go sleep by herself Get away from your husband because he's snoring who's your only source of protection in the midst of a dangerous situation

25:41

You know, that isn't really the way it works. And so like the issue is like with certain

25:48

Like when we have more options like oftentimes these more options they feed certain kinds of selfishness in us and more

25:55

Okay, you know more self -centeredness in us I mean certainly I mean when you first get married it is an adjustment to sleep with another human being who moves and who makes sounds and In everything else.

26:06

I mean certainly there's some sort of adjustment then but then I think the vast majority of people at least who are

26:12

Responding to our poll think that those adjustments are the kind of things that are worth making right?

26:18

Because you have some sort of motivation You have a new person that you're trying to merge your life with and so I mean you can be the kind of person who's

26:25

Just magnifying those things Because you're an annoyed person in general and you're you know wound pretty tight and get yourself all worked up I mean just to give you an example of how this works

26:37

When I was younger, I used to have very difficult time sleeping and A lot of it was related to just anxiety in my life in general, right?

26:47

so I would have difficult time sleeping and You know, it'd be one of those things where I'm laying in bed.

26:54

I can't go to sleep I know I have to go to school the next day and I know what time it is And then

26:59

I'm watching the clock kick down and it's like alright if I go to sleep right now I'm gonna get eight hours of sleep and then it's like 30 minutes later

27:06

Alright, I guess I can only get seven and a half hours sleep and then 30 minutes later It's like I guess the most

27:11

I'm gonna get is seven hours of sleep, right? And then you know 30 more it's like six and a half for her at the six and a half point, you know

27:17

And it's one of those things where if you let it like eat away at your brain You make it bigger and bigger and bigger and it becomes this big ordeal right where it's like I'm not gonna be able to sleep

27:27

Again, it's gonna be you know, I'm gonna be tired all day long and be exhausted all day long It's just gonna happen again, and then you get it all worked up but then if you think like that you can make everything just this big dramatic mess and And really all that's happening is you're just like filled with anxiety and worry and irritability and you're just Let small things bother you and you know, the

27:49

Bible says that love is not irritable or rude So, I mean you can work these things up in your mind so that they're just these big

27:56

Like how dare you ruin my sleep moments, right? Yeah by moving slightly when

28:02

I mean the Bible says like the sleep of a righteous man is sweet Right, so God gives like his beloved people sleep and part of that is because like you know the

28:15

Bible says the tranquil heart gives life to the flesh but envy makes the bones rot and That's a lot of what's happening with these kind of do with this kind of topic too

28:24

Is that a tranquil heart will give life to the flesh if your heart is at peace. It's not filled with anxiety

28:30

It's not filled with frustration. It's not filled with irritation. All that stuff is gone if that stuff is gone you sleep better And I mean

28:36

I can tell you that from personal experience. That's that's absolutely true if you have a heart that's not filled with all this irritation and annoyance and You know bitterness and envy like like looking at other people

28:48

I wish I could get the kind of sleep that they're getting and everything else. You can get a lot better sleep If you're not making all these comparisons and so I mean this is the topic that I think it cuts both ways and but I mean certainly

29:02

Yeah, I think it's just obvious that it should be a goal that a husband wife try to be together

29:10

You don't say Yes a sad depressing, you know scenario where you have like Christians who are sitting there arguing for their right to sleep in the other opposite sides of a house

29:23

It's like I guess you guys gave up a long time ago, you know in certain ways But you know

29:30

It is what it is, but yeah Okay. Well, I think that's a good place for us to wrap up the conversation on Tim So thanks for answering all my questions there and and walking us through that and you know

29:42

May and opening up my eyes to to a question that I thought, you know, I was thinking like hey this is like I mean, there's just a given everybody knows this and then you ask the poll and Everybody doesn't know this apparently

29:54

So, you know this stuff is is worth talking about and and to and I you know I'll say this to you mentioned this towards the beginning just kind of in passing while we were setting everything up But there are a lot of people who they'll they'll see it's not just like with with this question in particular but they'll see a question that we ask and Their response will typically be something along the lines of like why are you asking this right now?

30:20

Like no like no one thinks this blah blah blah and it's always it seems like it's always on the polls where the

30:25

The options are like 50 fit, you know The choices are fit a 50 -50 split in terms of voting or they're even like a you know weighed and heavily in terms of the wrong answer

30:39

Right, and and so I think a lot of people they just assume they assume a lot of these questions

30:45

We're asking or are like given What's fun what's funny about that is it's like that We're all

30:52

I'm often trying to ask questions and when we get questions from people that things that no one are talking about, right?

30:57

So yeah, we're discussing things that we're not having most of the stuff We're discussing is not like the news cycle stuff that everyone else is just slavishly following after but then you know

31:07

These are questions that people send me and ask me about these are common things that people think about And then when you see the the results of it, it's like there's no

31:13

Agreement, I mean a lot of these things like it's not massive agreement. So like these are areas that we probably should think about, right?

31:22

Yeah, they're probably weak areas for most people and I think that I think that does

31:27

Prove to be true more often than not in these polls. They are weak areas. So So these are things to consider, you know and I would say just don't jump to conclusions and Assume that everyone knows the right thing because if there's one thing that I've learned

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There's a lot of people out there who really just don't have any any sense of right and wrong

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Even people who claim to be Christians, you know I'm oftentimes tempted a lot to think that people know their

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Bible a lot better than they actually do and you You know you show them verses and they're like I've never seen that before in my entire life

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You know and and and so with these questions I think I think a lot of times people assume assume these are like a it's like a waste of time to talk about this

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But then the reality is that's probably one of those conversations that more Husbands and wives that it's an issue that they have to face and deal with More than more than their most people are probably willing to admit

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Unfortunately, so but with all that being said we thank you guys for supporting us weekend and week out

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I don't know. I still don't know what to call it But we appreciate all of the interaction we get there

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All that help and until the next episode. We'll see This has been another episode of Bible bashed.

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