How to pray? What is the proper way to pray? Does how I pray matter to God? - Podcast Episode 122

Welcome to the God Questions podcast. We get a lot of questions about prayer, so we're going to be discussing some of the most frequent ones we receive that may point us to what our overall attitude towards prayer is supposed to be.

If I were to describe a lot of the questions, they are, how can I pray to get what

I want? Or what's the perfect way to say this so that my prayer will be answered?

Or even people who treat an unanswered prayer as if they did something wrong, rather than trusting in God's will and God's timing.

So joining me today is Gwen. Gwen is the administrator of compellingtruth .org, and also

Nelson, who is the director of video content for God Questions Ministries. So Gwen, Nelson, welcome.

Thanks for joining me today. Thanks. Thanks for having us, Shay. Yeah, so prayer is supposed to be intimate communication between us and God.

The way I look at it, if I were to come to say, Gwen, and every time

I saw her, I said the exact same things to her, that wouldn't seem like we actually have a friendship.

It wouldn't seem like there's any sort of relationship. It would seem very contractual, as if I'm just saying the same things because that's what

I'm supposed to say. Well, prayer is supposed to be communication between two people. It's not supposed to be a laundry list of requests.

It's not supposed to be a formula, as if only saying it a certain way is going to result in the answer.

But that's really the misguided attitude that drives a lot of the questions we receive.

So it can be a little sad sometimes, but it's also encouraging us that we get to point people to what prayer is really supposed to be.

So Nelson, why don't you start us off in just a little about what Scripture says about the specific question, how to pray, because so many of the questions we receive are basically how should

I pray? You know, it's a really common concern that a lot of people have is, you know, what rules do

I follow? Because I think we get kind of trapped in the notion that if I don't follow the specific steps on how to pray, you know, perhaps the

Bible lists this recorded way to do it. And if I don't do exactly right, then all of a sudden, you know,

God's not going to hear my prayers, or He'll be mad at me, or, you know, perhaps it'll be answered in the wrong way. And Scripture doesn't, you know, ask us to do anything like that.

In fact, when the Scriptures talk about prayer, there's hardly anywhere in the Bible where it says, you know, specifically here's the pattern that you should pray by.

I mean, we recognize even when I say that, you know, there is a pattern where Jesus says, you know, pray like this, and we know that prayer in Matthew chapter 6, we know as the

Lord's Prayer, right? But even in the Lord's Prayer, Matthew chapter 6 verses 5 through 15, we see a pattern of prayer.

It's not a specific steps or instruction manual on pray in this exact way all the time.

Because I think you're right, Shea. If I went to my parents or a friend or a colleague, and I always said the same things when

I was asking for, you know, anything I want, I think in a bit it'd become a bit disingenuous, you know, just repeating this mantra, right?

And that's not what the Lord wants. He wants us to have a relationship with Him. So even in the

Lord's Prayer in Matthew chapter 6, we see Jesus praying and instructing His disciples how to pray, but it's not the exact words that we're trying to mimic.

It's the pattern, the heart attitude, the process, the yearning, the desire, the outcome that He's really pointing to.

And so we see Him praying directly to God, specifically right to the Father. There's no middle ground.

There's no, you know, other person that He's to pray through. He doesn't have to go to the priest, or He doesn't have to go to someone extra spiritual, or someone who knows all the

Christian words to say. Just pray directly in your own language, with your own words.

God, He's not impressed with your vocabulary. He knows what your words are.

He knows your heart's intentions. He already knows what you can ask for even before you ask Him. But there's a love and a compassion that He has when

He sees His child, His children, just coming up to Him and making a genuine request, speaking directly to their

Father, because they know, first of all, that He loves them, and that He wants to hear them, and that He pays attention to them, that He's listening, and that if our requests are according to His will and His plan, then

He will grant them with joy and excitement and love. And so we go to Him directly. Another way we see in the

Lord's Prayer is we see this humility that's offered there. I mean, obviously, when we go to God, we're going to the

Creator of the universe, the one who's in control of all things, who can do all things, holds all things together.

So we're going to God, and we're praying to Him directly. And so there needs to be a bit of humbleness in us.

And I think that comes automatically once you understand who you're speaking to, and the great power and the great love

He has for you, even though He knows everything about you. He knows your ups, and He knows your downs. He knows your goods and your sins, the depravity of them all.

He knows everything, but yet He yearns to be with you. And that's just sparking us a sense of deep humility as we come before God, knowing that even though He knows my wicked ways and the ways

I've failed, He still wants to hear me, and He still loves me, and He yearns to be with me.

And so we pray directly to our Father. We pray humbly to Him, knowing that He is so good and so loving and so perfect, and there's no sin in Him, and yet He knows our hearts and the wickedness in ourselves.

But we also pray earnestly, right? And so we see that in the Lord's Prayer as well. There's no question whether or not

He can do it. There's no question whether or not He's powerful enough to do it. There's none of that.

We know He can. We know He's all -powerful. We know He's all -knowing. We know He desires to help, and so we pray earnestly.

And what I mean by that is that we pray in such a way that we understand that He can grant these things, and it's a way to express our faith, knowing that,

Lord, if I pray these prayers, these words to You, if I offer this gratitude, or if I offer this or make this request, then

I know You will grant it to me, because if it's in Your will, then You want to grant it to me. And so we pray earnestly, and sometimes that means praying over a period of time, because maybe

God is asking us to express our beliefs or express our desire over a longer period of time so that He can help us to understand that sometimes things take a little while.

Sometimes He might answer those prayers right away, or sometimes He says no. Either way, we still pray earnestly, knowing that He can, and we desire to hear

His answer for us. And so is there a right way specifically to pray that you have to pray in these exact steps?

No, of course not. But there is a heart condition, and there's a way we approach God. There's a way that we say these words in the sense where we use our language, not some made -up language, not trying to impress anyone, not trying to be the person at the prayer meeting that has all the eloquent words.

God, again, He's not impressed by any of that. He just wants our heart. He wants to speak to us. And so how do we pray? Just like I'm talking to you right now, just openly, honestly, you know, completely vulnerable.

And the Lord looks at those things, and He enjoys to see the faith that His children have as they come to Him in that way.

And so that's one of the ways we see Scripture talking about how to pray. And there's many other examples in Scripture as well.

I think, Gwen, you had mentioned one earlier too. Yeah, well, just kind of backing up to what you said,

I love that mixture of humility and earnestness, because one thing I think about is the

Bible encourages us to pray with confidence. Like in Hebrews 4, 14 through 16, and then

Hebrews 10, 19 through 23, and that comes out of knowing who we are in Christ and our relationship with God.

Like you've said, He invites us into prayer. And so, yeah, so there's that humility, like this is the

God of the universe, but there's also that confidence that this is the God who loves me. And I think we do see those in the example that has come to mind for me before of in the

Old Testament, King Hezekiah in, so it's 2 Kings 19. And the situation was that Sennacherib had attacked and basically taunted the

Israelites. And then God through, I think it was through Isaiah, no, yeah, yeah, through Isaiah, told

Hezekiah, like, it's going to be okay. And that king did go away and wasn't attacking anymore.

But then he sent a letter, like, don't think you're really rescued, I'm still going to get you. And so Hezekiah was afraid.

And so what he did was he just took the letter and he went to the temple and he laid it before the

Lord and is like, God, here's what they're saying. Look at all these taunts, please save us.

So there were no magic words. There was no specific, God, this is what I want you to do. This is how

I want you to solve the problem. It was just very humbly and confidently coming before the

Lord, like, this is a problem, I need you. And I think we see similar prayers in the

Psalms of just people being so honest before the Lord, like, here's the situation, here are my emotions.

And then also remembering who God is and praising Him for it and just trusting Him with the situation.

Yeah. I think the most powerful example that comes to my mind, other than the two that you've mentioned is in the book of Nehemiah, throughout the book, there's no time where Nehemiah really utters a, other than I think chapter one, like a really long prayer.

He does, I guess what we'd almost call like popcorn prayers in that he'll be facing a situation and he prays something really briefly, like,

Lord, help me or help me to know what to do or defeat them because they're attempting to go against you.

Those types of things. It's not some long, elaborate, drawn out thing. It's just like, Lord, I don't know what to do.

Please, please help. And each time, of course, God answers those prayers and guides Nehemiah and accomplishes his purpose through them.

But I think Nehemiah for me is a powerful reminder that prayer can be something we can be doing all the time, like the verse in, oh boy,

Philippians, I think that pray continually. First Thessalonians 517. Thank you, Gwen. First Thessalonians, where we can't like be on our knees with our eyes closed praying continually like that, but we can have a continual attitude of prayer and that anytime we face something during the day where we're unsure or something good happens, like, thank you,

Lord. That is a perfectly acceptable prayer. Those three words right there. Lord, help me.

Another quick, easy prayer. God wants our hearts. He wants us to be communicating with him about what's going on in our lives.

It's not asked to be some flowery, official thing where we start off with Heavenly Father and end with, in Jesus name, amen.

I mean, he's more interested in the attitude behind us than actually uttering those words as if there's some sort of magic power behind them, as if we have to pray a certain way in order for things to happen.

Yeah, I think it's amazing. You know, when we think about the cross and what happened during that time as Jesus hung on the cross and the scriptures remind us and they tell us that the temple curtain was torn in two.

And every time I think of that, I know it's a symbol of access, right?

In the Old Testament, you had to go to the temple and you had to go to the priest and they interceded for you between you and God.

And so to pray then, it was often having to go to a priest and make sacrifices and have him intercede for you and provide the sin offerings and all sorts of things like that.

It was the mediator between you and God. And that temple was the curtain that really kind of separated the people from his presence.

And on the cross, when Jesus died for us, we see that curtain just torn in two.

And it's just this beautiful image, right? Top down, God doing it for us, down to man, just providing us this access to him.

And so we can pray to him. We don't have to go to a specific place. We don't have to have this special formula.

We don't have to pray in a certain way. We have complete, 100 % access to him.

God is everywhere, omnipresent, all powerful, all knowing. And so those little prayers that you're talking about, just thank you.

Help me. What should I do? Help me make this decision. Guard my heart.

Move my eyes. Whatever it is that we pray during the day, all these little micro prayers are little kind of like flares, a shot up to the sky.

And it's not even that distant, right? Because on a flare, you kind of shoot up to someone far away so they see it. Our prayers,

God is near. He's present, right? All those who draw on God or who call on God, he draws near to them.

And so that's the beauty of it. You can whisper a prayer, a word, and he hears it. You can thank your prayer and he hears it.

You can scream it in anger and he hears it, right? And so it doesn't matter how we express it as long as our heart attitude is correct and we understand who we're talking to.

So yeah, praying those little micro prayers all throughout the day is a great way to continually foster our relationship with God.

But it doesn't say that those long extended times of prayer aren't beneficial, right? I think we've all been in different places where spending some time alone with the

Lord is a huge blessing. And we see Jesus doing that. We're talking about how to pray so we can pray with these little micro prayers.

But then there's other times where we can go to a quiet, solitary place. We can shut the doors so others don't see.

They don't need to hear our words. And we are alone with our Father in heaven and we pray to him. Scripture talks about these things.

Jesus exemplifies those things as he prayed by himself often in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the

Mount of Olives. We see all these different places in Scripture where he does that exact thing. Again, more examples of people praying, not specific ways that we have to maintain.

Prayer is not some cookie cutter thing. It's simply expressing our hearts to God and we can do that wherever we are.

And I think that, I mean, all the examples in Scripture I think really are instructional for us in terms of what things should we pray for.

Like you're talking about Jesus's prayer. So in John 17, you see this is Jesus's heart.

And for us, you see his deep love for us. But the

New Testament epistles have oftentimes prayers at the beginnings and the ends.

And they're talking for people's knowledge of God to be deepened, for their love of him to grow. So that's not to say that we don't pray for practical things.

I mean, the Lord's Prayer has praying for our daily bread. So we can certainly pray for practical, specific things.

But we also pray for character change and for God's will in the world.

I think it's 1 Timothy 2 talks about praying for all people, praying for our leaders.

So there's just so many examples of what to pray for. And then I find

Romans 8, 26 through 30 really encouraging. You're talking about access to God's presence.

If you're in Christ, you have the indwelling Holy Spirit. So he instructs us how to pray and he intercedes for us.

And then as you keep reading those verses, you get the assurance that all things work out for the good of those who love

God and are called according to his purpose. And then it talks about how God transforms us. And to me, that shows that prayer isn't a formula, that it's about relationship and that ultimately it's about our transformation.

It's not just, how do I say the right words so God gives me what I want? It's how do

I enter into deeper relationship with this God who loves me? Yeah, that reminds me in Luke 17 verses 11 through 19, we have the story of Jesus cleansing the 10 lepers.

So they all cry out to Jesus, the 10 lepers, they all have the disease and need healing from him. So they call out to God, right?

They're calling out to Jesus, asking for healing earnestly because they know he can heal them. Well, he gives them instructions to get cleansed and nine of them run off cleansed, but yet the 10th one who also is cleansed returns back to Jesus.

And so the nine only get answered to prayer, but the one goes back and also receives

Jesus. And so he also gets that time with him, that relationship with him, and the blessings of being with him.

Our prayers are not just about making some list of requests of things that we get, it's about being with God.

What relationship could you possibly have with anyone if you didn't communicate with them? I mean, that wouldn't be a healthy marriage, that wouldn't be a healthy father -son, father -daughter relationship in any sort of sense.

You have to communicate and communicate often. And we see that one leper, he goes back and he builds and develops that relationship with Jesus.

So he gets healed, which is great, but he gets the greater thing, which is also Jesus. And I think it's interesting how prayer not only develops our relationship with God, but I find that it even develops deeper community.

I mean, you know, looking back again at the Lord's Prayer, it's our Father. So this is something that they're doing together.

And when we pray with other people, just the sense of connection that that brings.

And I think too, when we pray for other people, that's one way of bearing their burdens with them, because we're bringing it to God in prayer, you know, in solidarity with them.

But I find that oftentimes God uses that, you know, it's like, hey, as I was praying for you,

God brought this to mind. And it's like a solution for that person. Or you're praying for them and they're on your mind, and then you realize, you know, like, oh, well, this person's sick.

Like, I could probably help them with a meal. And, you know, you just, you don't have those connections if you're not praying for and with other people.

Gwen, I think that's an excellent point. And it reminds me of a question I saw on the system just the other day, where someone was asking for, can you send me a prayer

I can pray to get this? And I don't remember what it was, but it's like, imagine that, like what

Nelson was saying, in any relationship. So, imagine me holding a piece of paper.

So, Nelson, hello, how are you today? I would really like to borrow your lawnmower.

Is it okay? I mean, like, even if you're asking for something, reading something that someone else wrote sounds so strange.

So, to approach prayer that way. I'm not saying praying a written prayer is wrong. I mean, if they're truly how you feel, and just having a written prayer helps you express that, that is completely fine.

But to ask someone else to, like, write a prayer for you, that I think really misses the point of what prayer is supposed to be.

I mean, there's been amazingly well -written, powerful prayers that have been written over the millennia of Christianity.

But again, I'm not saying that it's wrong to go that route, but I think it is misguided in the sense that God wants our hearts.

He wants to have communication with us. So, unless us using a written prayer and actually truly communicating our hearts,

I'm not saying that God is dishonored or that He's upset or angry if we do that, but I think it misses the intimacy of what prayer is supposed to be.

And that was, like, my biggest encouragement to the person who asked the question. I was like, I'm not going to give you a written prayer, but I mean, here's what the

Bible says about how to pray according to God's will, and the principles it gives on how to even ask for something that you want or need, which, again, it's not wrong.

So many prayers in the Bible are people asking God for something. So, petitioning God is definitely a major aspect of prayer.

But it's the attitude that we really want to focus on today and getting to the point of, let's focus on this is a relationship we have with God, and therefore, communication should look like how we talk to someone with whom we have an intimate relationship.

Well, and I do think, yeah, so it really is about the heart attitude because I think it can be really instructional for us to read the prayers in the

Bible or even to hear other people pray. And, you know, we learn from practice and from watching.

And, you know, like kids, it's like, yeah, parents pray with their kids in part to help their kids learn how to pray, which is what we do in other relationships too, right?

Like, we watch other people interact and see, oh, like, here's these kind of conversations work.

But, yeah, but never as a script, like, oh, when I'm in a conflict, this is the script that I use.

It's, no, we watch other people resolve their conflicts and kind of get some ideas or some language from that.

So I think that's what those written prayers are useful for is, you know, here's some examples or like some language that you might use.

But, yeah, but it's never a script that you read to God. It should just be.

You know, you could, I could read amazing poems to my wife.

I love poems that are eloquent, that use words I wouldn't know how to use, that put words and phrases together that I don't know how to do so well.

And she might really appreciate them. But I think over time, if I only read her other people's words to express my love to her,

I think she would rather hear my own words, even if they're a little messy, even if they don't sound as eloquent, even if they don't have the same cadence and pattern and beauty as some really well thought out poem from some master artist.

Again, my wife would want to hear my words. She would want to hear my heart, my expressions, the way

I think. And I think she would. In fact, I know she would far greatly, far greater appreciate that than only speaking to her in someone else's words.

So yeah, reading written prayers are really good. They have lots of instruction. They can be beautiful, like a poem.

They can help us to even think about different ways to pray as we are praying to the

Lord. But I think we shouldn't run to them exclusively for our communication with God.

He really wants to hear our hearts. Yeah. Yeah. They're a tool, not the way to pray.

Right. Yeah. I think, and here's something that's maybe not a question

I think I've ever actually seen that we've received, but something I've observed, especially in younger people or new believers who, like the first time they're ever asked to pray, like in a public setting, and oftentimes they're very nervous because they don't know what to say.

And whenever I'm, I occasionally will substitute and lead our church's youth group. And whenever we have a prayer time,

I purposefully don't pray in any sort of, for lack of a better word, eloquent way.

I try to pray very simple, down to earth. Because I don't want them to feel like, well,

I can't pray as well as Shay can. So I'm just, I don't want to say anything at all. It's like some of the most refreshing prayers

I've ever heard are from new believers who really praying is very new to them. And they're just talking to God like,

I don't know, like He's an actual person that they want to talk to. And that's just amazing. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with praying eloquently.

I've heard some beautiful, amazing prayers from seasoned believers who have an intimate relationship with God that I can definitely look up to and emulate.

But sometimes we need to even, I don't know if be careful is the right way of describing it, but be wary of the people around us that we don't want to make it seem like in order to pray, you have to be able to pray using amazingly poetic, beautiful words.

Like prayer can be, you can talk to God just like you talk to anyone else.

Obviously we don't want to forget God is holy. God is the creator of the universe. We want to show Him respect and awe when we talk to Him, but that doesn't mean we can't still approach

Him like He's our loving heavenly Father who wants to have communion with us.

And that's, for me, that was a very powerful reminder of just being wary of how

I pray around others to make sure I'm not trying to sound like I'm some amazing

Christian who knows the best way to pray. It's like, no, I'd rather emulate what prayer is supposed to be, a legitimate, personal, intimate communication between me and God.

I think as we think about prayer and the question of, how do

I pray? And I think a lot of reasons that people ask that question is because they've tried praying in the past, and maybe whatever they've prayed, they didn't get the answer for that they were seeking, or it didn't immediately happen.

And so they're looking for a way to get what they want because maybe they've tried it and it didn't happen. And I think it's a powerful reminder in 2

Corinthians chapter 12 verses 7 through 9, here you have the apostle Paul, right?

I mean, he is obviously a person who knows God, who's friends with God, a person who's obedient to God, who's living out his life, giving everything he has to walk in the ways of God, right?

And so here's an ultra -spiritual Christian, right? No doubt that he knows how to pray, but yet in this passage, he's praying to remove the thorn from his flesh.

And it says in verse 8, you know, three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.

And then in verse 7, right in the beginning, he says, to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, meaning that the

Lord did not answer his prayer. The Lord denied the request to remove the thorn.

And it wasn't because he was praying wrong. It wasn't because he used the wrong words in the wrong order at the wrong place or the wrong volume or the wrong posture or anything like that.

It was simply because it wasn't the will of God at that moment to take away that thorn in his flesh.

God was using some pain in his life to point him in the direction that he wanted him to go. And so as we pray and think about how do

I pray, it's not just about how do I pray so I get what I want. It's about how do

I communicate with God and hear his yeses and hear his nose and hear his weight and still know that I'm communicating with my father.

And I think Paul illustrates that perfectly in 2 Corinthians 12 here where he understands, hey,

I pleaded with the Lord. I've asked multiple times. I've been obedient. I've walked along the path.

But yet God is doing something greater than removing this thorn ever could. And so I need to be OK with it.

That's what it means to pray in God's will. We have to be OK with all of these things, with his yeses, with his nose, with his weights.

And when we say pray in his will, that's what it is, that we know he knows all. He sees all.

He's all powerful. He's far more intelligent than we are. He knows what's going on. He knows where we're going.

And so we trust him even in our prayers and we trust even his nose, knowing that he loves us and he wants good things for us in accordance to his will and his plan.

And so, yes, it's not a specific way to pray so you get what you want. It's a way that we simply communicate and be receptive of his answer to us.

One of that brings to mind Ephesians 3, 20 through 21. I heard Priscilla Shire talk about it one time.

So that's the now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask, seek, imagine or think be glory.

And oh, maybe I even have it. Well, anyway, so and just the way she presented it kind of sounded like, you know, like,

God, here I am. Here's what I'm praying for or just blow my socks off. You know, sometimes we go like, oh, or God's will be done kind of as a cop out for if this prayer isn't what you want, then like,

I guess that's fine. But I think when we change our mind like Paul did of, OK, God's will is so much better.

So he didn't remove this thorn from my flesh that I wanted because he's doing something so much better.

And so when we reframe it like that, I think that helps us to look for what is that better thing that God's doing and helps us to deepen our faith and trust in him.

So Gwen, Nelson, thank you for the excellent conversation. And hopefully our conversation today has maybe encouraged you, helped you to know a little bit more about how to have a conversation with God, because that's what prayer is supposed to be.

It's been the God Questions podcast on how to pray. Again, I hope our talk today will lead you into a more intimate relationship with God, specifically in how you pray.