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Father in heaven, we thank you that you've not left us defenseless, as it were, that you've given us the owner's manual, the guide to how to live, and Father, you've provided us all good things. Most of all, you've provided us forgiveness for our sins in the work and the person of Christ Jesus.
Father, we praise you for him, praise you for just putting us in him, and Lord, as we look to what your word says about leadership in our homes, in our marriages, would you bless us, would you strengthen us, would you kind of keep us in the middle, guard us that we might not lead, lean towards authoritarianism, but on the other hand, let us not be passive, which is, sadly, the habit of many.
Father, bless each one here, we pray in Jesus' name, amen. Well, good morning again. You know, stereotypes are often rightly derided, but sometimes there's truth in them, and when you think about men today, you know, the stereotypes are, you know, the stumbling, bumbling idiot who can't do anything right, the man who just watches TV all the time, or the man who is an authoritarian, a dictator in his home, and we can't do any of those things.
Before I forget, though, I really do like a lot of these cards, so I'm just going to pass them out, and there are 12 of them, so feel free to take one of each as I try to separate them out. They're not all applicable today, but since we won't be meeting again for a while, I thought I'd want to, now this is one of my favorites, Patty made all these, and I'm just, I really, I do like them.
Some of them are humorous, most of them have a biblical point, and this one, this one's really good, because it says, do you know this woman, and you should know her, she's your wife. If you don't know her, why not?
This is the submission card, play it carefully. But stereotypes, here, I'll just give you all of them, you're in charge of the whole shoot and match. There is truth to them, and we have to avoid these kind of things, but leadership, one of the things that, good morning, one of the things that Dr. Scott points out is that God is a God of order, he's a God of order, and you are the head of your household.
And it's a sobering thought, because whether you want to be or not, you are the head of your household. Let me say that again, whether you want to be or not, you are the head of your household. And what does that mean?
That means on judgment day, you can't say, it was the woman you gave me, it was her fault, or you know, I didn't think about that, or I didn't want to do that, or whatever, whatever the excuse is, there is no excuse.
It's your house, you're responsible for what goes on in it. Does that mean you're guilty of everything that goes on in it? No. Right? You're not guilty for everybody's sins, you're just responsible for running the household.
God doesn't leave his church uncared for, he doesn't leave the home uncared for. Now, saying, nature abhors a vacuum. What does that mean? Something is going to fill it, right? And that's why I kind of laugh when the idea is presented that the United States should just recede, and I'm not going to get all American on you here this morning.
The United States should recede and then, you know, their peace would prevail over the earth because the United States is the problem. The truth is, nature abhors a vacuum. If the United States steps back, some other country will fill up that vacuum.
Just like when Great Britain stepped back, the United States filled that vacuum. Somebody's going to fill it. And in your home, if you're not leading, somebody is leading. It could be your kids, it could be your wife, it could be your cat.
How many of you have cats? Shame on you. No, it could be... Something, someone is going to lead your home. If it's not you, it's going to be somebody. That's just reality. Let's look at 1 Timothy chapter 1, or I'm sorry, 1 Timothy chapter 3.
These will be familiar verses, and at first you're going to say, well, this doesn't apply to me. I don't have to worry about this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, you do, and it does. But I'm not an elder.
Okay, that's fine. Verse 1, the saying is trustworthy. If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore, and see, that's the out. You're like, well, I don't want to be an overseer.
I don't want to be an elder is the word. Therefore, an overseer must be above reproach. The husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach. I'm not able to teach, therefore it doesn't...
Yes, well, just keep reading. Not a drunkard, not violent, but gentle. Not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well. With all dignity, keeping his children submissive. For if someone does not know how to manage his household, his own household, how will he care for God's church?
He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into condemnation of the devil. The condemnation of the devil. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.
You say, that's great, but that's for elders. Well, let's read what it says about deacons. Deacons, likewise, must be dignified, not double-tongued, not addicted to much wine, not greedy for dishonest gain.
They must hold the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience. What's the mystery of the faith? Christ was real. I mean, basically, you could say this is the gospel. This is just another way of saying that.
And let him also be tested first. Then let them serve as deacons if they prove themselves blameless. Their wives, likewise, must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things.
Let deacons each be the husband of one wife. Does this sound familiar? Deacons be the husband of one wife, managing their children and their own households well. For those who serve as deacons gain a good standing for themselves and also great confidence in the faith that is in Christ Jesus.
Now, some of you may say, well, I can't teach or I'm not qualified to be an elder. That lets me out. No, because when you look at deacons, honestly, I don't know how many guys we have in the church. Let's say that number is adult males, I don't know, 85, 90, 100, 105, 110, whatever it is.
We should have 110 deacons if they're all believers. There's absolutely no reason why everybody shouldn't be deacon qualified. You say, well, why? Because that's the standard. Well, I don't want to be a deacon.
Okay, here's the question. Is there anybody here who could say, well, I don't want to be the husband of one wife? Is there anybody here who would be able to say before God, I'm not responsible for managing my own children.
I'm not responsible for managing my own household. Of course not. This is the biblical standard. There's no out, there's no escape clause. So when we look at this and we think, well, what are some general lessons we can draw from it?
The first one is this. Leadership, your leadership in the home is not, cannot be passive. If nature abhors a vacuum and you are passive, then what happens? Somebody else is going to fill that spot, right?
And you can't do that. You're responsible. It's your job. True or false. If you do not lead, nothing happens in your house. Something's going to happen, right? Something will happen. The question is, is it going to be good or not?
And leadership does not mean, you know, it's not like when I was on the sheriff's department and we would, if we started our shift at 6 o 'clock back in the day, they got rid of this eventually because we were getting a little bit of overtime all the time.
But if we started our day at 6, the shift started at 6, then that meant we had to be there at 545 for briefing. And we would come in and get a briefing and they would tell us what was going on. In your homes, you don't have to have 0545 briefing, you know.
You don't have to let everybody know every day, early in the morning, what's going on and everything. What it does mean is, well, what does it mean to manage your own household? In what way can you manage your household?
Let's just think of some ways that we do that. Structure, okay? That's really a key right there, right? Time and money. Other thoughts? Excellent. Okay, where church and where do you live? Absolutely.
What's that? Priorities. And while we're on that, think about this. If I ask you, you know, well, how does your family serve in the church? And you say, well, we don't. Okay, here's my question. What does this tell your wife and your kids about your priorities?
Something to think about. Because what we say is often overruled by what? What we do. I mean, there's a word for people who say one thing and do something else. I'll leave that to you to sort out. These are all priorities.
And here's the thing. You know, if I say, well, what's going on with the money? And one of the cards I passed out was, you know, I love that card. It says, this costs too much. Because in my experience, and I've told you guys some stories about me, but, you know, I can remember, and I've even told this story before we got saved, you know, when I told my wife she was too selfless.
And what I was really talking about was this. I spent all the money. And I'm like, you know, come on. Can't you spend some money and make me feel better about myself? Yeah, I mean, come on. This is not fair.
And this costs too much could be a problem, if you're not thinking about it right. But we are to not just lead, but we also have to care for our family. And that comes down to, you know, this. Where do we live?
Where do we go to church? These are all decisions that we need to make and we're responsible for. You know, where guys choose to take their families is interesting sometimes. Now, who's our model for how we run, how we lead, how we manage things?
I'm glad nobody said Pastor Mike. So, you know, no slam on Pastor Mike because he's in Florida right now, or maybe on his way back or got back last night, I don't know. Yeah, the Lord Jesus is our model.
And when we think about, we think about, and the analogy that Dr. Scott makes in the book, is he says, you know, he is, if God leads, and he does, he's a shepherd. And the ultimate shepherd, the ultimate example of shepherding is Jesus.
And he says in the Old Testament, God had a direction for Israel. Right? God had desires for Israel. He set parameters. I mean, think about this. You know, and this is, how many of you are in management of some form or another?
Okay. Tell me if this isn't true. Here's what you do, basically. I mean, I'll just tell you, I'll give you a hint. This was kind of my management style because, and I learned it on the fly. I sort of set the parameters for my guys.
Said, this is what you can do and what you may not do. Right? And then I said, within those parameters, knock yourselves out. And the people who worked hard, I told them up front, the people who worked hard were going to get rewarded, and the people who didn't were not going to be rewarded.
I couldn't really punish them because, you know, civil service and all that. But I wanted people to feel free to exercise their gifts, so to speak, their skill sets, to learn to grow on the job. But what I didn't want them to do was get out here because when they did that, I was going to get in trouble.
Why? Because I'm the boss. Right? I'm not necessarily guilty. I wasn't going to get days off, but I was going to get called to the lieutenant's office. What's going on? You know? Those were always fun.
In a very real sense, this is how God set up Israel. He said, here are the Ten Commandments. Here are all these other commandments about oxes and all these other things, you know, pregnant women and, you know, what happens when you accidentally cut off your neighbor's right ear.
You know, all those sorts of things. Sorry about that, bro. All these kind of things. He gave them parameters. Gave them rules. But within those rules, they had a lot of freedom. And then what happened?
They were, you know, out here all the time, which was problematic. But did God, every time they got outside those parameters, did he immediately judge them? And the answer, of course, is no. And there are lessons in that for us.
When we think about the patience of God, well, is that how we lead our homes? Is that how we care for those in our charge? It's how we ought to be. Let me just emphasize that point here for a moment. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.
What's easier? To not say something or to say it and have to wish you could take it back. And the answer is to not say something, obviously. So in terms of patience, in terms of exercising judgment, it's better to be, to a certain extent, to be analytical, right, and to kind of emphasize in your own mind, well, I'm being patient.
Why am I being patient? Because I want to make sure that I don't express my anger about this, but that we really get to the root of it so that we can resolve it, because my anger is not going to be helpful.
And when I think about the patience of God, I mean, here were a people that he took, was a people that he took out of Egypt, that he put into a land flowing with milk and honey, delivered them from all these people that were, you know, trying to stop them from doing what they were supposed to.
Over and over and over again, he was faithful, they were not. I mean, it would be easy for him to have just blown up and destroyed them or whatever, but he did not do that. It would be easy for us to just blow up and get upset and all that, but that doesn't help us.
It doesn't help us. Us being angry or volcanic, even, is not going to help us. This is an important point. It says, we are not kings high above our wives, but we are actually lowly under-shepherds doing the bidding of the chief shepherd.
So again, if we think of ourselves rightly, we are responsible, yes. We have a lot of decisions to make, yes. We need to set the parameters for our household, yes. We need to be patient, and we also need to be mindful that we're not the boss.
We're not the king. We serve the king, right? This is me, and I am responsible for these people, but this isn't an org chart in the sense that at work I have an organizational chart, and I know who I'm responsible for, and I can hire and fire and all that, because you can't fire these people.
One of my daughters used to say she'd get upset with us sometimes, and she'd go, I'm going to go to the family store and get new parents. Well, she couldn't do that, and we couldn't just go, you know what?
You're fired. It's just not possible, and you can't turn to your wife and you say, you know what? You're fired. You burned the toast for the last time, sweetheart. But like with in any organization or in any situation, if you are a leader, well, what does that imply?
A leader who is going nowhere is doing what? Is doing nothing and not leading, right? So you're either the leader or the non-leader. Leader, non-leader. And I think this is so important because I think this is where a lot of guys are.
And if, let's say, let's just kind of skip to the end here for a moment. If you've been failing to lead your home, what do you do? And the answer is not go home and commit ritual seppuku. And if you don't know what that is, don't look up the videos.
It's basically the Japanese method of self-disembowelment to express their shame and, you know, how they've failed. If you have failed to lead, the right answer is pick a strategic time, sit down with your wife and say, you know what?
I failed to lead. Or I've led like a tyrant or I've led us in the wrong direction. But by the grace of God and with your help, I want to lead in the right way. I remember, and, you know, there are times where your wife is going to look at you like you're crazy.
I remember when I, my first year in seminary, I mean, all kinds of stupid things happened. I mean, when I first came home and told her that I wanted to go to seminary, she was like, you know, sure. Yeah, OK.
How are we going to pay for it? And I said, well, I'll work overtime. And so I did. And so I'm at seminary one day and they do this thing on. We had to go to chapel three times a week or twice a week and Tuesdays and Thursdays, except for Pastor Mike who got a waiver.
I'm not bitter, though. I just did. I mean, he was working, you know, just because I was working all night long and working overtime on the weekends. No, no bitterness. OK, not much bitterness. So I go into chapel one day and it's this whole presentation about the trip to Israel that the seminary goes on every year with the faculty and everything.
And I'm watching this trip and I've seen all the pictures and I'm going, man, I'd really like to go on a trip. So they get the cost thing and, you know, it's like three weeks over there. And it's about I think the total was at that time it was three thousand per person.
It wound up being actually fifty eight hundred for the two of us, including airfare and a lot of the meals and stuff like that. And I'm like, boy, that's a long time. That's pretty cool. We should do that.
And that's only how many spots over time is that? It's about 30 spots over time. We can do that. I can do that. Here's so I go home and I go, we're going to Israel next year. She goes, what? We can't afford that.
You're going to go to school and you're working overtime. I'm like, well, we can we can go to Israel and here's how we're going to do it. You know, we went it was it was a great time. We we can, you know, and which brings me to another point, by the way, now that I'm talking about it, we need to pick a direction.
But we also need to consider we have to be thoughtful about it. Have a plan if you lead. And, you know, just like I said, God had a direction for Israel. The Lord has a direction for his church. We need to have a direction for our family.
And how do we do that? Well, part of it is by thinking things through, not making decisions, you know, spur of the moment, at least not big decisions. I mean, if you want to decide what restaurant you're going to go to or something spur of the moment, that's fine.
But a lot of the decisions we make have to be we have to be thinking about them and they have to be well thought out. In fact, Dr. Scott says we don't want to be rash in our decisions. But here's the other thing.
He says a shepherd is neither wishy washy nor rash in his decisions. What does it mean to be wishy washy in our decisions? Indecisive. And, you know, I think it's fine to you know, is it wrong to change your mind?
OK, it depends on if you were wrong the first time around and maybe you were wrong or maybe, you know, you know, it's like upon further review. Right. You well, you made the call and then, you know, your wife says, can we talk about this?
You say, sure. You know, and you're pretty sure you're not going to change your mind. And you listen to her reasoning and you go, OK, I mean, being the leader doesn't mean that you're always right. In fact, you could be wrong a lot.
And sometimes you need to just say, you know what? There is a better way to go and we're going to do it that way. That's OK. I'm not going to go through all that. But here's the here's the point I want to stress, because I've known men like this.
Work is hard. Right. I mean, that's why it's called work. And when you come home from work, if your goal every single night is to unplug and watch TV while your wife runs the house, takes care of the kids, does the bills, does the budget, everything else.
Well, over time, what happens? You know, let's say let's say there's a, you know, a seat of power where you can imagine this is the this is the, you know, the authority. I'll just call it power just to make it more dramatic.
There you go. Because, you know, while you're over here on the sofa. This is not to scale, by the way. You know, this is an artist's rendering. Sorry. Yeah. Anyway, I have a lot of skills in that regard.
Stick figures are really bad. Everything about my artist artistry is really bad. But if you are, you know, basically not exercising authority on a constant basis, if you're not leading, let me put it that way, on a consistent basis, then the leadership is going to pass.
It's just going to pass. You know, let's just let's just put it this way. If Tom Brady consistently goes in the huddle and says, I don't know what play to call. You know, any of you guys have any ideas?
Well, sooner or later, somebody is going to be calling him. And if it's the running back, you know, the Patriots run the ball for the four hundred and thirty second consecutive play. Well, why is that?
Because, you know, nobody else is calling the play. So the running back says, fine, I'll call the play. Somebody has to do it. And if we're not doing anything, then our wives absolutely will take authority.
Let's look at let's go ahead and look at that. Psalm 23, Psalm 23, familiar, but some principles here. And what somebody read versus one and six of Psalm 23. OK, so like God, his point, Dr. Scott's point is we need to know how to lead lovingly.
Now, what does that look like? What does that look like? How do we lovingly lead our wives? Well, in part, that's going to mean can't tell if that's AC or must be AC. But I hope in part that's going to mean consulting them, listening to their opinions, showing that we care for them.
But again, as I said earlier, ultimately, we are responsible. And so, you know, there may be times where we don't we don't do what our wife wants and that's. It's OK, but we can't just go. I mean, there are just ways I just think, you know, maybe and maybe the point of this should be.
In some ways, we should just talk about communication. Because there's a way to let your wife know that you've made a decision and it's not the one she wanted. And then there's a way to not do that. Here's a way not to do that.
Well, I've made my decision and that's that. Hit the road, babe. Might there be a time to do that? Well, if she wants to be argumentative about things and things are going on and on, then you just go, well, you know what?
I understand your perspective, but I just don't agree. I just think there's a level in which we ought not to try to just shut things down, right? We want to be loving. We want to be firm. But we want to be loving, too.
He also says a shepherd leads by example. A shepherd leads by example. He gives an example from Scripture about Jesus. Well, we have to lead by example. What does that mean? How would we lead by example?
Self-denial. What's a real practical thing? And here I'm just going to get into your faces a little bit on this one. Pardon me. Yes, service at the church. Absolutely. You know, again, I think we establish the priorities for our family.
And when we say that ministry in the local church is not our priority, then what are we teaching our kids and our wife? That the local church is not a priority. But how about this one? I can make time for, say, I mean, I've known people like this.
They stay up late Saturday night watching movies or playing games or doing different things on Saturday nights. But they cannot and will not get up on Sunday morning to go to Sunday school. And I'm not necessarily pitching Sunday school.
I'm just saying that, again, we set the priorities. We show them what's important. And we say, Jesus is the number one thing in my life. And then the only time we can carve out on Sunday morning is 10, 15 at best to 11, 30.
I guarantee you we spend a lot more time on other things than that. Again, I don't need more people in Sunday school. I'm just pointing out that what we teach our kids, we teach them by example. If I say, what are some other examples of teaching by example?
What we say and what we do, again, the dichotomy there, it can't be separate. Okay, how about this? I tell the kids how important the Bible is. But I don't teach them the Bible in my home. I've had guys say, well, how do I teach the Bible?
There are easy ways to do that. One is to read them the Bible and then just talk about it. Another one is get a book, one of my favorites, and one of the things I did early on is I read a book called Concise Theology by J .I. Packer.
And it is what it sounds like. It would be like two or three page essays on various topics. And I would just read that and then go to the dinner table and talk about it. It took me five minutes to read, and then I could go talk about it for 15, 20 minutes.
But teaching our kids the Bible, teaching them theology, all these things, well, if we don't, who's going to? I guarantee you most kids, even at this church, especially if they go to public school, and by the way, I'm not slamming public schools.
My kids went to public schools, and they still got saved, amazingly enough. If they go to public school these days, they're going to learn more about sex ed than most Christians will learn at home about the Bible.
And if they're not learning sex ed in the classroom, they're sure learning it from all their friends. Your role as a husband and as a father is not to just be the leader. It's to be ultimately when your wife needs you, when your kids need you, or when they need someone, you should be the person that they're looking to.
Why would they come to you for spiritual advice if you never teach them spiritual things? They're going to go to somebody who actually talks to them about those things. And Lord willing, it'll be, if it's not you, it'll be your wife, or it'll be Pastor Mike, or one of the elders, or a deacon.
But this is who we should be, every one of us. We're getting back to the qualifications of deacons. Run your household well. Put Christ first and make that evidence, not in a hypocritical way, but just in the way things flow in your house.
Teach your kids how to pray. Teach them all these things. If you don't, and I know that a lot of you do, but if you don't, nobody will. Let's talk about more of the qualifications here. Let's talk about not being quarrelsome or easily angered.
Your wives are going to say things from time to time that are going to be pretty outrageous to you. And you're going to think, who does this woman think she is? Here's a little truism. How many people does it take to argue?
Peter says one. And I'm like, I'd like to watch that. I bet we could sell tickets to this, Peter versus Peter. Watch me argue. Just watch me. I don't know about that. I think basically it takes at least two, right?
It's like a fight. If two people aren't willing to fight, there will be no fight. And if two people aren't willing to argue, there will be no arguments. And you say, well, you don't understand my wife.
She's tenacious. She digs in. No, I don't understand your wife. It's not my job. Here's what I do know. Right? True, right? Not my job. My job is to know my wife. If your wife wants to argue about something, you just say, you know what, let me think about that and I'll get back to you.
You know, something like that. Because, well, you know what? I'd be happy to talk to her. Because here's the thing. Here's the thing. Almost anyone, if I can talk to rapist robbers and murderers and get them not to argue with me, I think I can get your wife not to argue with me too.
Yeah. Well, I mean, it's amazing. I was talking to, many of you guys will know this guy anyway. I was talking to a guy. His job, he's an investment advisor. And I'm talking to him and he goes, well, you don't know my wife.
And I said, what do you do for a living? He goes, I'm an investment advisor. So your job is to get people who may be adverse to your advice, right, to get them to trust you and to listen to you and to, you know, talk reasonably to you and everything else.
But when it comes to your wife, you just have nothing to say to her. How can that be? Your job is all, you know, sometimes it's about getting people, convincing them that what they really don't want to do is what they want to do.
But when it comes to your wife, you're just like, dude, I can't. I just can't. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. You already have all the skills. A lot of us in this room don't have those skills. But, you know, if I talk to you, you know, I can't manage my wife.
And you say, well, I'm a salesman. I'm this, I'm that. I'll just look at you and go, what are you talking about? Now, if you tell me, you know, you chop wood for a living, okay. All right. I get it now.
You know, we need to talk about expressing yourself and communication and things like that. But if your job is to manage people or it's to sell people or it's whatever, and you say, well, I can't talk to my wife.
I can't do this, the other thing with my wife, why not? You should not be quarrelsome or easily angered. Again, it comes back to just thinking, okay, what I'm about to say, is it going to honor the Lord?
Is it going to edify the other person? The answer is no and no, then just don't say anything. Figure out something banal to say and, you know, work it out later. Dr. Scott says something vital here. He says, manages his household well, still back on that.
Maintains and cares for his house well. He says, he leads his family rather than driving them or letting them rule him. Those are the two extremes. You're totally passive or you're totally in control.
Neither one of those is right. Set the parameters, manage your household well. Care for your household. Don't try to rule it and don't abandon it. Also back in 1 Timothy, keep his children under control with all dignity.
His children, he has children who obey him. Well, why? You know, it's a funny thing because really we live in a time where I think everything in our society says, don't respect your parents, right? I mean, this has been going on for a while, but I think it's only gotten worse.
Be a father, be a husband that your wife and your kids have no choice but to respect. It sounds, you know, really complicated. It's not. If you obey, if you just, if we could just live out what it says here in 1 Timothy 3, they would respect us.
Okay. Shepherd knows how to oversee. Okay. This is a good one. A shepherd is involved. This is our job as a leader in our home. He says, a shepherd is involved. And then he gives this example from scripture.
It's Jesus, which is a pretty high standard. He says from John 10, 14, I am the good shepherd. Now listen to this. I know my own and my own know me. It's an intimate knowing that Jesus is talking about.
And when we think of the picture of the shepherd and his sheep, it's a very, I mean, the shepherd lives with his sheep. This is his whole life. It's not really a bad example because we live with our family, right?
But we should intimately know them. If somebody knows your wife better than you do, you're doing something wrong. If somebody knows your kids better than you do, other than maybe your wife because she spends more time with them, you're doing something wrong.
You should know them. And I'm not by any means saying that I did everything right because I know I didn't. I mean, I could give you volumes of all the things I did wrong. But when the kids were in high school, I realized that our relationship was changing and that they were kind of getting away from me, right?
And I'm like, well, how do I spend more time with them? Seeing as how I'm in seminary and I'm working and I'm working overtime and everything else. And my wife did a great job of, you know, keeping things under control while I was trying to sleep every now and then.
But the kids really liked to go to the high school football game. So I'm like, okay. I just started going to the high school football game. So we could just sit there and just talk. And, you know, it's not like the girls really knew what was going on in the field.
They'd be like, oh, did we score? Okay, they were better than that. But take the time to get to know them. Find out what their weaknesses are. There was a time where, you know, one of the kids was doing something behind our back and we got wind of it.
It's good for them to have good Christian friends who will rat them out. So I sat down with this one. And, you know, I'm like, she was too old to, you know, physically discipline. But I remember sitting down with her and just going, okay, what am I going to, you know, how am I going to convey how serious this is?
And knowing how she felt about her school and how she felt about the other schools in the area, I told her, I said, you know what? If this happens again, I'm going to transfer you from the school you're in into this other school, the Crosstown rival.
She burst out in tears. She was like, you know, you'd do that, wouldn't you? You know, it's so heartless. You know, it's so brutal. How can you possibly do that? And I just thought, well, okay. You know, as long as you're getting the point, then this is fine.
But I knew what her pressure point was, what her weakness was. I knew how much it meant to her. And we have to know our kids. We have to be involved with them. We can't know them without doing things with them, without spending time with them, without talking to them.
Now, it's interesting here, he says, some might fear the reaction of their wife and the consequences of doing the right thing. Instead, they must have courage, faith in God, and trust that his word will guide them in whatever results come from taking the responsibility to lead.
You know, what happens when you're in conflict and you're afraid of what your wife is going to say or do? And again, I think it comes back to, a lot of times, it comes back to what we do most of the time, which is, you know, at work, if we were having a conflict with somebody or if, you know, a co-worker or whatever, we would find a way to work it out.
And I don't know why, you know, it's so much different in the home. In fact, we have a lot of advantages. And here, let me just give you some of your advantages. Your wife, for whatever reason, chose to marry you.
Believe it or not, that's an advantage. Because if she loves the Lord, she can't just divorce you, right? It's not like one of your co-workers can just quit and go find another job. She can't just quit and go find another husband.
She doesn't have that option. If you have children with your wife, again, you have an advantage. And I'm not saying that is a beastly look in whatever it is over there. Sorry. Yeah, well, I wonder if that means we have a beehive in the building.
Hi. So, what is that called? Yeah, you know, I'm all for leaving the doors closed, but now might be a good time to open the doors. You're right. So, talking about the advantages you have. Ultimately, your wife wants, if she's a Christian, she wants to honor the Lord.
She wants to work things out with you. She appreciates the fact that you are the father of her children. You have a lot of advantages here. And I'm not saying that's not what you lead with, but you need to have some confidence when you're talking to her that she's not just going to run out.
But when we do these things, when we're going to make a decision that's contrary to what our wife wants, it's good to think, well, it's good to have a strategy. It's good to have an approach that we have in mind on how we're going to resolve this situation, how we're going to lead her through it.
I don't have any really good, because we haven't had any really, we really don't have that many disagreements. Sorry, I wish we did, for your sake. Another one of his shepherding points here is a shepherd is diligent in his responsibility.
Let's look at 1 Peter 5 .2, because he kind of takes this out of context, and I'm okay with it. What do you mean you're okay with him taking it out of context? Because the principle here is still a valuable one.
1 Peter 5 .2, if somebody would read that, please. Okay, now that verse has to do with what? Elders. And I've thought about this, and I'm going, well, you know, he really is just yanking that out of context and just kind of sort of using it wrongly.
Well, is he? Love your wives as Christ loves the church. Well, let me just put it another way. If the church is made up of building blocks, and we like to call those building blocks families, and the elders are to oversee the flock of God, that means families.
Well, if the overall picture goes, you know, something like this, although it might go a little sideways here, husbands, families, because it's not like we don't have the same authority here, so it's almost like, you know, we have to filter through there.
We have no authority other than what the Bible says, which is to say there's a lot of autonomy here. But I think this principle, without stretching it too far, I think this principle is still right. You know, you have authority over your family, and you should be eager to exercise it, but you should also, you know, not lord it over the flock, right?
So it's that constant balancing thing. But a shepherd is diligent and is responsible. We talk about not being lazy. Well, you need to be diligent. A shepherd protects. That's his next one. A good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.
In what ways, let's just talk about our wives for a moment, because this is something I've actually seen and which is sort of mystifying to me. If a shepherd is on the lookout for his flock, well, what sort of dangers is he looking for?
Wolves, other animals, things like that, right? Or to stop the sheep from jumping off a cliff. I mean, sheep do stupid stuff. And if one jumps off the cliff, you know, it's like your mom says, well, if Johnny jumps over the cliff, are you going to go too?
Well, if we're all sheep, yes. You know, we're all going over there, you know, because, well, Johnny did all do it too. But in terms of our wives, what sorts of dangers could they get into? What are the things you have to look out for for your wife?
Okay, we're laughing, but that's true, right? Yeah, bad teaching, right? She comes home with Jesus calling and you're like, can we talk about this? You know, because that book's going in the trash whether we talk about it or not.
Well, you need to be a little patient about it. But yeah, that's ultimately what's going on. But yeah, bad teaching is one thing, right? Okay, okay. They're relationships. Because typically, unless your wife has a job, she probably has a lot more time on her hands than you and therefore more relationships.
And more relationships could be problematic, you know, especially you have unbelieving family that she's close to, unbelieving neighbors that she's close to, or if she's working, what else could be a problem?
Really nice men, especially if you're not really nice. I mean, you know, if you want to know the source of a lot of marital trouble, it's the husbands aren't nice and somebody else is nice. It's good to be good and it's nice to be nice, especially to your wife.
But yeah, these are things that you have to watch out for. You have to be involved and you have to know what's going on. You know, I know that there are even Christian wives who have business trips and the like, and I'm like, I don't know, man.
That's pretty rough. That could be really tough on a marriage. Spiritual dangers, known temptations, excessive worldly input. Yeah, this is pretty good too. Television shows, novels, things that they might be reading that just aren't good.
I mean, you know, 50…. Spread too thin, too. Well, and we'd get there because that's one of his things. I don't know about your wives, but my wife has this tendency to just want to say yes. The default switch is yes, you know.
Can you do this? Yes. Can you do that? Yes. You know, and by the time she's done saying yes, you're just like, okay, well, I was kind of hoping I could schedule it a couple minutes with you sometime. She's like, sorry, babe, the calendar's full.
You know, sometimes you just have to say no. And part of that, of course, is, you know, if she comes to you and her calendar is already, you know, full, well, there's another problem. And I've only got a four-day week.
But, you know, she says, you know, my calendar's already full. I can't squeeze you in. Can I suggest something to you? You've already failed. How have you failed? Okay. You didn't set any kind of, well, really any sort of boundaries for her again.
Because before she filled her calendar…. Good. Before she filled her calendar, she needed to talk to you. Right? So that you could say, you know what, honey, you're doing too much. That's just too much.
We need a little wee time here. We need to carve some time out for you and me. So don't let it get to that. So that's a good point. Now, let's talk about a shepherd provides. That's his next one. The Lord is my shepherd.
I shall not want. Sure. And the New Testament says that if a man doesn't prepare for his household, he's worse than an unbeliever. Right? The Bible is clear that we must provide for the physical needs.
Well, what about the spiritual needs of our wives and our family? Absolutely. Right? Both are true. We must provide food, clothing, shelter. How about this? Rest, health, and as well as a good church and good spiritual oversight.
We have to do those things. I've been talking to a few young men here lately who are getting ready to get married. And I'm like, you know, speaking as a, well, I am a father-in-law. But, you know, when I was a prospective father-in-law, here's what I needed to hear.
I mean, I remember when Jerry and Kristen got married, everything wasn't all set. But here's what I knew about Jerry. Jerry was going to work hard. And Jerry was already in the process of going to nursing school.
He'd been applying. It was just a matter of time then before he got hired onto the fire department. I was like, I'll never forget this. You know, this is how well you need to know your son-in-law, prospective son-in-law.
I remember talking to him and having a really good sense of where he was at in life and his seriousness about things. And on the day he married Kristen, I was talking to his mother. And I said, you know, one of the things I love about Jerry is he's such a hard worker.
She laughed. And I was like, well, they've been married 10 years now. And Jerry has two jobs. He's, you know, he just got promoted on the fire department. And he works part-time as a nurse at UMass. I'm like, I think he works pretty hard.
And he does a great job at home too. And I'm like, so that's my point is you just need to know, you need to be involved in that detail and just kind of get a real sense of what's going on. And you need to make sure that it's the right guy.
We talked briefly about this is his shepherd instructs. They need to know what the rules are. You know, he gives some good ideas here in just in terms of teaching the Bible again. How about this? Of course, this would be a challenge for some of us.
Anybody ever take notes during sermons? Because he suggests reviewing sermons, you know, with your family. And I'm like, well, if you're not listening to the sermon, it'd be pretty hard to review them.
This is a funny story. And I think Pastor Mike even told it recently. I don't remember where, so I can share it again. We were still in California. And Bill Shannon one day was like getting sick right before church.
And he says to Mike, he says, can you preach this morning? Because Mike was still in California. He goes, can you preach? I'm not sure if I can go or not. And Mike's like, well, I don't know. I don't have any notes with me.
And I was standing there and I said, well, you know what? I said, you just taught that Bible study the other night. And I go, Janet takes great notes. So she had them. We both had our notes, but hers were way better than mine.
And he goes, well, here, let me see them. And he goes, he could preach his message from her notes. That's how good her notes were. Taking notes is a good thing. I sometimes do it to just keep myself involved in the sermon, make sure I'm checking in.
Shepherd Corrects, we're going to pass on that one. Let's talk a little bit about our anger because this falls into that. He says, you know, Shepherd Corrects. Well, how does Jesus, how do you suppose Jesus corrects us?
You know, is it brutal? Is it without reservation? How should we correct our wives? What biblical principles should we employ? Okay, that's a big one, right? In private, not in public. If you're correcting your wives in front of your kids, that's what we used to call a party foul.
That's bad. That's a bad move. What else? Okay, and is it okay sometimes to let your wife fail? I think so, but at the end of the failure, then you ought not to say what? It's so much better, and you know what?
I've learned this. It's better in every way. It's better with your kids, and it's better with your wife. If you're going to let that happen, it's better for them to say, come back to you and say, you were right, than for me to say, I told you so.
And it's more satisfying, too, to hear you were right. And they learn that way. But what else? What else about confronting your wife, correcting your wife? That's so easy, isn't it? Would I want somebody else to talk to me the way I'm talking to my wife?
Biblically speaking, if I look at Matthew 7, it's not hard. What do I do? I remove the beam in my own eye. I check myself. I do the hypocritical check. I make sure that I'm not a hypocrite on this matter.
I take the beam out of my own eye before I worry about the speck in my wife's eye. I correct myself before I correct her. I check myself before I wreck myself. Yeah. Sometimes the right thing to do is to do nothing.
But when you're convinced in your own mind that you have to do something, if it's an issue up with which you will not put, then check yourself first. And then what? Meet with her in private. I mean, it's the whole Matthew 18 thing.
But it even goes so far in here as to say, well, suppose it's a situation where you know biblically that you're right and she's wrong and she refuses to yield. Then what do you do? What's that? Pray. Praying is always good.
In fact, I would suggest that you should pray before you go to confront anyone on anything. But, yeah, pray. Right. Yeah, sometimes time helps, right? But what I'm talking about, though, here is not a matter of disagreement.
This is a, okay? So this is a sin issue. And, you know, open up the Bible and show her where she's thinking wrong. And if she still will not repent, then what do you do? You have to get a witness, right?
This is Matthew 18 territory, assuming she's a believer. And that can be really hard. But I think there are wise ways to go about that, and then there are unwise ways to go about it. I mean, I think especially in the marriage, you know, true or false, if your spouse is in sin, your number one goal should be to let as many people know about it as possible.
You know, the whole idea of Matthew 18 is to keep it limited, right? So if that's the goal, let's say it's me and Simon, right? And Simon's confronting me on some sin. Well, he's going to do it in private.
Well, if that's the goal between me and another brother in Christ, well, how much more if it's me and my wife? You know, how much more should I want to keep it localized, as it were? Okay. This is good.
A shepherd seeks to restore his sheep. Let's look at Galatians 6, verse 1. And if somebody would read that, please. The main point here is to restore your wife, you know, once she's asked for forgiveness or once she's repented or whatever the situation is, in a spirit of gentleness.
I mean, we always want to be gentle with them. We have to be mindful that they are the weaker vessel. And when Peter writes about being the weaker vessel, I submit that he's not just talking about physical weakness.
He's talking about emotional weakness as well, because they do take things more seriously and more personally than we often do. But he says, as Stuart Scott does, whether a lamb is hurt in the process of following or of rebelling, a good shepherd seeks to restore the sheep to full health.
A shepherd will compassionately receive and help the lamb that is willing to receive help. In the same way, we must be willing to forgive and or assist a hurting wife. He says, I would strongly suggest that you run the risk of erring on the side of comfort until it becomes evident that your wife needs more when more is demanded, is needed.
Now to some, he says, being a servant leader may seem like an irreconcilable paradox, but Christ was the perfect leader and yet he's also the perfect servant. And he is our model. He also notes, and this is true, serving does not lessen one's authority or leadership.
What does serving do? What happens when you serve your wife? Does she respect you less or more? I find she respects me more when I do that, because it's so rare. She's like, wow, look at this guy. He can actually serve too.
We want our wives to know that we care for them. And how do we show that? Well, one of the ways is by serving them. Now let's talk about back on the leadership track. We said that we're taking this thing somewhere.
What are our goals? If I ask you, what are your goals, you might say, well, with regard to what? What sort of goal? I think that's a reasonable question. Let's put it this way. I think these are fine.
Educational. I don't know if I can spell vocational. Professional. All those kind of things. I think those are fine to know that, and I think they're good to have those. If I ask you if you have a goal with regard to ministry, I think that's good.
What about this, though? If you think overall, what do generally wives want out of well, let's put it this way. Do you think it helps your wife if she knows that there's a retirement goal? Not necessarily an age, but you have some kind of view that when you guys hit 65, 70, or whatever it is, you can retire, that you're not going to be living in an apartment in Worcester on SSI.
Very true, right? Very true. I mean, but without there has to be short-term and long-term, though, right? And we can do a lot in the short-term, and we can't always perfectly plan for the long-term.
But if there's absolutely no plan in place and there's no way to get to a plan, and we're just like, you know what? I mean, it used to be pretty easy, right? You worked at General Motors, and at the end of 35 years, they give you a gold watch, and you got a pension, and you're all good to go.
Well, that doesn't work now. So if there's no 401K, if there's no I mean, most jobs don't come with the set, defined benefits anymore in terms of retirement. And so if we're not planning, I think, you know, for some people, the clock's just ticking.
And I would be getting nervous if I had absolutely no plan. You know, me, because I'm just about at retirement age. Hey, I can put in for early Social Security in just a couple years. Pretty nice. Of course, you get, like, five cents, but yeah.
But what kind of goals do we have? And, you know, do you think it helps if you know where you're going? Okay. So if you have these goals, then how do you get there? Is that what you're saying? Well, so if you want to call this a vision, or if you want to call it a plan, or, you know, you want to call it work.
You know, I mean, in other words, these things, this determines or ought to inform, at least, how you live your life, right? Because if you have these goals, but you're doing nothing toward them, then they're not really goals, are they?
Yeah. They're just fantasies. Yeah. So if there's no means to get there, then there's no means to get there. And they're absolutely pipe dreams. So we want our kids to get saved, right? That's a good one.
Kids saved. How do we contribute to that? Well, and I don't want to get into the parenting thing, but this is, you know, too heavily, but this is so key. I mean, just like what we're saying about the wives, you know, watching and guarding over them and everything like that.
But there's a tendency, I think, for parents to just put their kids on autopilot. The kids hit, you know, 12, 13, whatever, puberty, and the parents don't know what to do with them anymore, so they just stop.
So what about this, Steve? What about that one you circled, make the kids read and study the Bible even when they don't want to? What do you think about that? What do you think about it? Well, you're the pastor.
You tell me. Can you force your kids to read the Bible? Put a towel over their face. Yeah, see, I'd have them include the MacArthur study notes. And if I were a kid, I'd probably, you know, I'd say, I read it 15 times this week, Dad, prove that I didn't.
Pay up. Yeah, I think scripture memorization is probably, you know, I think that's probably better. You know, and there could be consequence or whatever. But I think, you know, the reason I kind of hesitate at the mandatory Bible reading is because I just know how fraudulent, you know, I had to do some mandatory Book of Mormon reading, and I just remember how fraudulent I was in that.
You know, my eyes might have moved over the page, but it really wasn't all that. Yeah. But if you just say, okay, do whatever you want. Yeah, I mean, isn't saying, well, you're going to read for 15 minutes better than saying, yeah, I don't care.
And I think, like, apologies sometimes aren't sincere, but you want to train them in that act of apologizing. And like, this needs to be your priority when you wrong someone. And you can't change their heart.
You can try and get them to the root of that. You can't change your heart towards the Bible. Like, Holy Spirit, God can change your heart towards the Bible. But, like, if you're insisting upon them pursuing that, you can't guarantee their sincerity, but you can make it a priority.
Yeah, I guess where I'm struggling with is I just think there are ways to present the Bible that will actually incentivize them reading. Whereas, you know, presenting it as a mandatory task, I think I would prefer to get them excited and have them read it on their own.
Or you could ask, like, how's your Bible reading going? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, and so there are different anyway, I need to get back on track. But, yeah, I think there are different theories here.
We've talked about spiritual welfare. Here's an area that I put an exclamation point, so I must really like it. Yeah, I do like it. In fact, I made it one of the cards. See to it that you do not take on the role and responsibility of the Holy Spirit by constantly admonishing her and trying to do sanctifying work in her heart.
See to it that you do not take on the role and responsibility of the Holy Spirit. You're not the Holy Spirit. And if you want to be miserable, try to be the third person of the Trinity, because you're not.
You are going to fail, and you're going to fail epically, and you're going to be arguing with your wife. This is a very sensible one. See that you pray with her. You know, it's kind of a head-scratcher, but, you know, when I meet with couples, well, how often do you guys pray together?
We don't. How long have you been married? For people who haven't been married yet or people who have just been married a short period of time, I can't stress this enough. Start the right habits from the beginning, and part of that would be praying with your wife.
I've said this before, or maybe I haven't said it before. I'll say it now. There was a young man who was after one of my daughters. He wound up not marrying her. That's okay. It didn't work. But he asked if he could pray with my daughter, and I thought, I really had to pause.
And here's why. Praying with a person of the opposite sex is a very intimate thing. It's a very unifying thing. It's a joint spiritual experience. And I'm generally speaking, unless people are probably going to get married, I'm not really in favor of that one-on-one prayer with each other because it is so intimate.
And yet, after we get married, a lot of people just don't do it. I'm like, if you want to know where your wife is, listen to her pray. That'll tell you more than you can get in a hundred conversations while you're driving somewhere.
Just listen to her pray. Listen to what's really on her heart, and listen to how she communicates with the Lord. I mean, it's not always evidence of salvation or not salvation or whatever. But some people, you listen to them pray, and you just go, okay, I have been literally ushered into the throne room of God.
I'm there. I mean, if I looked up for my prayer, I would expect to see the throne of God right there because that's how I feel right now based on what's being prayed. And then there are people where you're just like, you listen to them and you're like, okay, I think this person is saved, but I don't really know based on, you know.
In other words, I'm not being transported somewhere. I'm just listening, and I'm going, I don't even know if this person could be saved and pray like that. And think like that. And be so self-centered and so self-absorbed and not have any concerns or cares outside of herself.
You find out a lot about what people are thinking about, what they're focused on when they pray. Her decision making. I mean, all these things, there's just a tendency, you know, going back to the Holy Spirit thing, there can be a tendency in us to be a micromanager.
And, you know, if you know what a micromanager is, you probably worked for one. And there's probably nothing worse. Is there anything worse than working for a micromanager? Well, being one would be worse, right?
It would be worse. And just imagine, you know, as a husband, like superintending everything that your wife does and being, you know, like hovering over her and having her feel like what? Like what you feel like when your boss is micromanaging you.
You know, inferior, incompetent, etc., etc., etc. Why am I even here? Because you're doing my job anyway? Or you want to tell me how to do my job? If, you know, I've had bosses where I just felt like, honestly, I just want to, I'd prefer to quit.
Don't make your wife feel like that. So it's a balance. It's always a balance. It's a balance between, you know, not being involved and being overly involved and correcting her and not, you know, and not micromanaging her.
All these things are a balance. But then again, the Christian life is always a balancing act between legalism and antinomianism. There's always a balance between all these things. And what we want to do is not go any further than the Bible does.
We talked about overextending yourself. I don't want to talk about our exercise. Just don't. That's a losing proposition. Honey, are you exercising? What are you trying to say? Yeah, don't go there. Yeah.
Yeah, when you're shredded, you know, then maybe this is a good place to go. Okay, here we go. Ask yourself these questions. I think these are really good. Is my input really necessary at this point? Again, this gets back to this whole idea of micromanaging and everything.
Is my input really necessary at this point? Do I need to say anything? Is what I'm going to say going to help? Then he says, what is God's perspective on the matter at hand? And if it's nothing, maybe the right thing to do is nothing.
Then is this a sin issue or an issue that is causing great difficulty for my wife or family? Well, if it is, then you have to do something. You can't be passive. You have to do something. But here's his next point, which is a great one, right in line with that.
Think through the proper approach. So much of, you know, how we get ourselves into trouble with our wives is by acting spur of the moment. Not kind of taking a step back and thinking to ourselves, okay, again, I just think this is so key.
And it's key in leadership. If you wouldn't conduct yourself like this at work or with your boss or with, you know, somebody that you really respect, then why would you conduct yourself like this with your wife?
You know, just kind of like she does something and you're like, I'm going to do X. Just boom. Maybe it's the right thing to do. Maybe it's not. What if you just wait a couple minutes and then say, you know, we need to talk about this situation.
We need to talk about how we're handling this. We need to talk about, you know, you correcting me in front of the kids, whatever it is. And then don't correct, you know, don't say that in front of the kids.
It's so important. And this cannot be stressed enough. It's so important that there be a real sense that she had this sense that the hierarchy in the family is, you know, it's you and her. Right. And then it's the kids.
There can't be any sense in her mind in which, you know, she's just off to the side. She's an appendage. She doesn't matter. She has to know that this is or that you don't matter. This has to be the council, you know, the united council.
Talk about one body. You know, one flesh. You guys have to be united in what you say. The proclamations, when they come down, it can't be Moses saying this and, you know, Moses's wife saying something else.
You guys have to be on the same page all the time. And there's no bigger cause of marital strife than when you're not on the same page. But that goes for everything. And so you really have to think through what you're going to say, how you're going to say it, how you're going to approach it.
And somebody said, I think it was Taylor who said, you know, how would I want somebody to talk to me about this. And those are all excellent points. You want to do that. Now, let me just close with this.
He has this checklist here. Have I told my wife what I appreciate about her and what she's doing right? You know, before you criticize her. Again, focusing on the positive. Have I made sure that she has been given the knowledge or biblical insight that is needed for the change she needs to make?
Again, understanding you're not her parent. You're not the Holy Spirit. You are her partner. You are her leader, yes, but you're also her spouse. Have I encouraged any progress in the right direction?
Have I offered any help? Have I given her general direction? Have I given her specific direction? I have to help her and shepherd her. I have to lead, yes, but I can't be the great dictator. And let's just close with the ultimate goal.
The ultimate goal, and I say this, but I've said it several times. What do we want to do? In everything that we do, we want to glorify. And I can spell, God, this is what we want. And if you're doing something and you just ask yourself, well, how is this glorifying to the Lord?
And there's no good answer, then you're probably doing something wrong. How does this glorify the Lord? Well, it doesn't, but I feel I need to. She did this and I have to glorify God, always. Edify her, glorify the Lord.
You'll be amazed at what happens in your marriage and in your home. We need to close, but I'll stick around and we can talk afterwards. Father, thank you for your word for the insights it gives us. For the example Jesus Christ is of a loving, patient, involved shepherd who just loves his flock, loves each of us, knows us intimately, is patient with us, is long-suffering with us.
Father, teach us to be biblical role models, to be faithful, to be good managers of our household, to be good stewards of the resources that you've given us, to be patient, to be joyful, to be encouraging, to build up our wives and not tear them down, knowing that each one of them is your gift to us.
It's a good thing to be married. It's a good thing to have a wife. Let us not lose sight of that. Even when difficulties come into our lives as a direct result of our wives, you have ordained these things and you've given us the means to deal with them.
Teach us to be prayerful, to have a plan, to be wise, to not be spur-of-the-moment, fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants leaders, but to be thoughtful, loving, kind, and gracious leaders, even as you are.
Father, help us all to be better husbands, better fathers, we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.