Tape 4 - Counseling Seminar

Park Meadows Church

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And because of the scheduling, what I want to do is interrupt what we're talking about in some of the marital difficulties and dealing with people who have marital problems, and I say that in the sense of everyone has some kind of a tension going on in their marriage, but those who have problems which are difficult for them to deal with, so I wanted to interrupt that and just share a couple of thoughts without, of course, because of time that we have, we can't, each one of these subjects that we've been covering, you could spend an entire week on any one of them very easily, but maybe just to touch on some ideas about teenagers and a few concepts about understanding the teenager, and then

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I want us to go back into some of the more critical areas of marriage, and so what we're doing is our purpose, and my basic purpose this week is to just share with you some thought -provoking ideas, because as I said earlier in the week, if you'll recall, what

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I do not say is far more important than what I am saying most of the time, because I want you to take whatever thoughts we can provoke and take your own personality, your own lifestyle, where you live, and the walk that the

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Lord has given you as an individual, and then maybe some of these things can be taken, and you can adjust them, and as our brother said, write them down, work up your own little guide for counseling, you can write them up for a wife, or you can say for a mother, or for a teenager, just put those down, and then you can utilize those, and you never know when the

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Lord's going to bring someone into your path, and so that's what we basically are trying to do, is just share some general ideas, and some of these are a little more in -depth than others, but we could spend hours, and of course, if we got into an interchange of ideas, we could spend months together sharing back and forth good, solid ideas about how we can help people who are experiencing, not only marital difficulties, but just problems in their daily growth, and we are all growing, we are all growing in the

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Lord, and you are not required necessarily to be perfect at this stage in your life, but we are required to be at whatever stage

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God wants us to be at that time in our life, and the tragedy is, many never even reach that point, they're always lagging behind, so we want to continually grow in our life.

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I find there are five, well, before I get that, let me just say, let me deal with eight characteristics of teenagers.

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He is a phenomenon. A teenager, boy or girl, they don't like the word teenager, that's sort of a derogatory term, but we use it amongst adults, so, because we all know those people, there they go, there they are, they're up to no good, they're going to get in trouble, there they are, now they may just be strolling down to get them an ice cream, you know, they're going to rob a bank, there they are, those kids, they're going to get, but they are in a world of their own, there's no question about it, and I believe that you and I in understanding teenagers must understand that this world is different than when you and I were teenagers.

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We were young people, many of the problems are basically the same, because as we've said, human nature is the same, whether you're in China, India, Canada, America, or the islands, it matters not, human nature is always the same, but environments are different, personalities are different, circumstances become different, and crises occur at different stages of people's lives.

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I may have confronted a crisis at 30, you may have confronted that same crisis at 18, who knows, and so we have to take them where they are, and so there are eight basic characteristics of teenagers or young people, and most of these are familiar to us.

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One is we must always remember that a young person, a teenager, is in a period of transition, he has not settled on anything, he's in a period of flux, he's in a period of transition, he's leaving childhood or she is leaving childhood,

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I'll use the word he, I don't want to keep saying he or she, we just understand that it's he or she, that young person is approaching adulthood, and they are leaving that childhood, they are on the road to maturity, but they are not mature people, they are in a spirit of transition, and I believe that many times, especially as Christians, we demand from that young person that which we did not demand of ourselves, even when we were at that same age, and we don't even want a lot of people demanding it of us now, even though we're believers, and we are adults, we don't want to demand it.

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You've heard the old story, as far as Christians go, we talk about the double standard, we say, well, but there are things that young people cannot do that adults can do, that's obvious.

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But it's interesting that the same scripture applies to an adult that applies to a young person. I want that young person to worship

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God regularly and faithfully. But now, you know, sometimes there's something interesting on television, and sometimes,

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I mean, somebody comes, but I tell my young person, I say, now listen, it doesn't make a difference who comes to visit you on the

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Lord's Day. You tell them you have to go to the house of the Lord. When you get married, you just tell them, you make this a rule, you say, look, we're going to worship the

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Lord, it's a habit of our life, you just make yourself at home if you can't go with us, and we'll be back shortly. That's what

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I tell them to do. But anyone can come visit, and I just conveniently can't make it today. I want them to read the

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Bible every day, but, well, there are times when I can't. I want them to pray every day. I want them to do things that will help them become a mature

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Christian, but many Christian adults excuse themselves for what they demand of their young people, and that's a double standard that doesn't work.

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So what I demand of him, I demand of myself to gain spiritual growth. But I must understand he's in a spirit of transition.

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Also, his life patterns are just now beginning to crystallize. He is now becoming what he will be, but he is not what he will be.

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They are just now beginning to crystallize. They are just now beginning to assume, you might say, a recognizable form of life.

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You're just now beginning to recognize what they might, you know, because when they're small, they're so dependent. Listen, a kid will go anywhere.

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You know, a child will. You just take them by the hand and say, come on. They don't say, where are you going, Mama? Dad, Dad, where are you going?

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They just take you by the hand and here they come. They just follow you. Wherever you go, you can lead them off a bridge. They'll follow you right off a bridge.

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It makes them no different. But young people are not that way. You know, young people. You remember the story of Abraham and Isaac?

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Abraham says, come on. So Abraham's strolling down the road, knowing in his heart he's going to kill that boy, but he never told him. He didn't say,

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I'm going to. What would you do if your dad says, the Lord laid on my heart last night, take you out and offer you? Now, you know what

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I say? He's gone nuts. I mean, Dad, I know you love the Lord, but you're a little banana style. I mean, you know, he's going off the deep end.

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What cult you in? He's in one of those. No. He's gone. Abraham never told Isaac because we read that careful, very carefully in Genesis chapter 12.

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We'll find that Isaac said, father. And he said, here am I, my son. He said, I see the fire. I see the wood.

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But where's the animal? I got to see that knife you got in your hand, that sacrificial blade. But now where's the animal?

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See, the boy began to think a little bit there. He's beginning to understand. Well, when we come to young people, we have to understand that these young people are just now assuming a recognizable form.

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You're just now being able to recognize in them some of the things that have been going on in their little minds. It's beginning to show up now, and it's beginning to take form in their life.

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Also, there's a little song that says, he's a possibility. They are a bundle of possibilities.

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They may be a diamond in the rough, as the poem says, but they're a diamond, sure enough. All they need to do is to be cut properly and polished properly, and they'll be a diamond, sure enough.

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They are a bundle of possibilities, and they are our number one investment. Young people are the number one investment.

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Your church, eventually, if the Lord doesn't tarry, in 50 years, most of us will be gone.

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If the Lord does tarry. If the Lord tarries, in 100 years, all of us will be gone.

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Who's going to carry it on? Who's going to carry on the gospel work? Who's going to carry on the business?

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It's going to be the young people. We say, God forbid, but they will. They are our number one investment, and we need to spend time with these young people.

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Also, it's amazing, you might not think so, but young people are idealistic. He's an idealist.

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They approach you on the basis of an ideal. They don't see imperfections in it.

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When young people talk to you, they are talking about the ideal. They say, well, you know, we ought not to have all this crime.

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We ought not to have capital punishment. Well, we ought not to have to have capital punishment. We ought not to have to have prisons.

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We ought not to have to have the penal system. But we do have. Ideally, we ought not to have, and if everyone was what

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God said to be, we wouldn't have to have them. But that is not the ideal. I mean, it's the ideal. It isn't the practical, or it's not the reality.

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And he views the world with optimism. Optimism. And that's why young people get caught up in the cults.

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That's why they get caught up in all the movements. And that's why they're so active in so many ways.

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And a lot of things that are transpiring today is simply because they gaze at the world through the eyes of an optimist.

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They see and they really believe they can change everything instantly. Because that's what he looks at.

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Also, they are quite capable of a lot of things. They just lack experience.

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It is amazing what young people can do. We just had a training program in New York for the

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American Board of Missions to the Jews and brought young people. There were a few adults, but had one lady 72 years of age involved in it.

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But mostly young people coming from all over the country to spend an intensified month of training in Jewish missions and evangelism.

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And in four days, from about 1 .30 in the afternoon until about 5 .30

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or 6 in the afternoon, they gave out 13 ,800 tracts. They visited 92 nursing homes.

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You can give out on New York City in one hour. You can give out 5 ,000 tracts within an hour. 5 ,000 within an hour.

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May I suggest that most churches don't give out 5 ,000 tracts in five years.

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Young people, they're not hung up. They're not hung up on a lot of things. We adults, we've gotten a little mellow as we've aged.

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I had a man tell me one time, he said, just beginning in ministry, he said, Well, you know, when you get a little wisdom with that zeal you got, you'll be like...

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And I just watched him. He called it being mellow and being discerning, but I noticed he didn't do anything.

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I had another fellow, I got out of an airplane. I had a pilot that flew me around. He flew me up into the state of Arkansas. And this dear old pastor, been years in the ministry.

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I didn't know him, never met him. But I came to his church for a conference. And I was there for, well, I think it was a revival effort.

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And I had never met him in my life. And I got into the automobile with him and put my bags in.

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We'd flown up in a little Cessna and my pilot left. And we're driving down the road and this man just looks at me and he said, You know, people come to hear a young man because of his enthusiasm, but they come to hear an older man because of what he's got to say.

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I said, Garbage. He said, What? I said, Garbage. Garbage. And he looked at me astounded.

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I said, Jesus was only 30 years of age when he began his ministry. The apostle Paul wrote most of the New Testament to just a young man.

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I said, I'll grant you that age can bring wisdom. And I'll grant you that experience can bring a lot of things.

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But it isn't always necessarily true. When you look at your young person, if they are a Christian, they have the same Holy Spirit you have.

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They have the same access to God that you have. The only thing they don't have is your experience. And there are many things you can teach them.

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But you see, there are a lot of things going on and they are capable of doing amazing things if we can just channel them.

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They can do a number of things. And this immaturity and lack of experience can bring about serious obstacles in their life.

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And most of their problems will result because they just don't have the experience and they are hitting head on into things that you and I can learn to walk around or we know how to get over them.

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They just don't know how to get through these. They just walk out there and hit it. They come back wounded, you know, and they come back in just all torn up and bleeding, so to speak, from their experiences.

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Also, you find today, it seems more so than others, they have a rapidly maturing body and intellect.

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This is causing unknown problems amongst young people. Young ladies are maturing physically today.

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Today, 12 and 13 year old girls look as if they are 19, 20 and 22, physically speaking.

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Years ago, it was not that way. They have rapidly matured and young men are rapidly maturing physically.

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I saw a high school football team in the state of Tennessee that had a high school line, their line, their defensive line, and high school averaged 236 pounds.

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A 15 year old kid, he wasn't big enough to play tackle. He played guard. He was 6 '4 and weighed 220.

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He had to be a guard. He wasn't big enough to be tackle. I thought, that's like the pros. You know, the pros, they love those kind.

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You know, they look for them. Of course, they don't speak English. You know, they grunt and give them raw meat and roll them out on the field in a cage.

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You know, and they shake the cage as they get out and things like, you know, they're not human sometimes. But it's amazing how they mature and their frame becomes that of a man or hers or that of a woman.

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And it seems in young people, you and I need to discern that they have spurts of intellectualism.

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Their intellect takes off in spurts. It does not grow just gradually. They get a spurt of knowledge.

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And that's why they run off and do stuff. I mean, they're the ones that say, why are you doing that? And I say, well, I just thought about it. Figured it out.

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And all of a sudden you say, well, where'd you figure that out? Who told you about that? Where'd you learn that? It just comes.

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You know, they just pick it up. For you and I, as we mature and as we age, and they eventually will, their knowledge will just become gradual.

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But when they're a young person, when they're a teenager, it just comes in spurts. It comes in spurts. They're thinking about it, but all of a sudden it takes hold and they can envision it and it's there and it becomes knowledge to them.

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They are people who want to know. They want to know. Have you ever said this?

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Or have you ever heard this said to a young person? Probably you and I would never be guilty of saying something like this. I say, well, you don't need to know that now.

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When you get a little older, you'll understand those things. They want to know now. Now. And the tragedy is, if the parents don't tell them, there are always people available who will.

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But they'll tell them the wrong thing or they'll tell it to them in the wrong context or they'll not tell them the proper motives or the proper purposes or they won't put it in its proper perspective.

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And certainly, usually they won't get it in a spiritual way. And that's why a mom and a dad have the responsibility.

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Now, there's something else about teenagers that I don't have in here, but it is a part of it. Of course, they have a thirst for knowledge and they have an innate desire to learn things.

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All the times we think they don't, but they are. They have it. And let me give you the eighth one. They are people who need to know

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God. They are people who need to know God. That God -sized vacuum in their life must be filled.

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Pascal, the French physicist who invented the adding machine, he said every person has a vacuum within their life and it remains a vacuum until it's filled with the peace of God through Jesus Christ.

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And that's true of the young person. Sometimes we say, well, I'm going to let him get a little older and when he gets a little older,

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I'll let him make his own decisions concerning those things. We don't use that philosophy in any area of life. He's got his hand, his arms hanging there, you know, he's broken his arm.

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We say, well, would you like to go to a doctor and get that set? Or, you know, you don't think about it a while. You want to go to the mall? Comes in, he has a tooth hanging out.

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Well, would you like to go to a dentist? I'll let you decide that. You want to go to the dentist or you want to just go to sleep?

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What are you going to do? We only let them, people only want them to settle things in the spiritual realm, in the spiritual realm.

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And so these young people are people and they are individuals and they have personality and these personalities need to be developed.

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Let me just give you some ideas of some special interest. These are some kind of order, but I'm not dogmatic about the order, of the interest of young people.

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If we can understand that the primary interest of most teenagers is having fun, they want to enjoy.

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Now, you can say enjoy life, you can say have fun, you can say be amused, you can say pleasure, and that is not always in the bad sense.

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It's not necessarily in the hedonistic sense at all. It's not necessarily the playboy philosophy. They are interested in having fun.

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Young people know what they want and they know what they like, but they do not know what they need.

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That's why God gave them a mom and God gave them a dad to show them what they need.

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Now, they want to have fun. You say, well, I want you to go to church to worship the Lord. I don't want to go to church.

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Well, I'll give you a choice. Would you like to go to the church or you want to go to the beach? Now, you picked your choice.

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Well, but now if you say to that young person, well, I'm going to let you choose. Great. You're going to let me choose why

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I go to church or not? Yes. You go to church with us and worship the Lord and as best you can, we'll all work together in being faithful to the

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Lord, but if you don't want to go to church, then I'm not going to force you to go to church, but you're going to be grounded for one month.

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For each Sunday you don't go, you're automatically grounded for 30 days, no car, no allowance, no telephone, no television for 30 days.

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Now, you let me know tomorrow what you want to do. If it costs them something, they'll usually make the right choice.

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They really will. But if it doesn't cost them anything, they'll make the wrong choice. Same thing's true with you and me in a lot of ways.

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In a lot of ways. And God puts the pressure and you must put the pressure there. They're also concerned about friendships.

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There's nothing that will cut a young person off from a mom and dad quicker than a mom criticizing their friends when they don't know anything about their friends, although most of the time you are right about their friends.

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You'll usually be right about them, but if you don't know them, it's best not to criticize them. Deal with the problem.

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Don't try to reflect it out on the friends. I told you not to hang around him. Well, mom, you never met him.

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Dad, you don't even know her. I don't have to know her. I don't know where they live, don't know who they are, don't know anything about their parents.

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All we know is they're one of those. It accomplishes nothing. Deal with them about the difficulty.

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Deal with them about the difficulty and don't, you know, criticize their friends because they are concerned about their friends.

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We are all about peer pressure. Whether you and I want to realize it or not, peer pressure with teenagers is real.

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It is real. Most young people that I have met have experienced it too.

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But by and large, 99, 40, 100 % of the time, of the young people who get involved in drugs, it's because they'll tell you everybody else is doing it.

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Everyone else is doing it and they keep saying, I was over playing tennis one time at a tennis club there in Fort Worth with a friend of mine and he and I were playing and they were a teenage -born girl.

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School was out and they were sitting there. They had been playing tennis and they were sitting there and another young girl had come up and started to bite me and I caught them out of peripheral vision and I began to kind of tune in on them because my wife is always accused me.

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She says, you are nosy. You listen to everything. But it's just, I don't know, it's my nature or something or I don't have discipline in that area, but I like to know everything going on around me and I can talk to you and I can listen to a conversation here and I can glance at my notes and read those.

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I do, if I say you can't do two or three things I probably don't do them all very good. But this is what I've always done and I've always tuned in on those things of course especially if I think it's suspicious.

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And I said, well, it's part of my job to know those things, but I've lived that kind of a life, and so I'm sensitive to it, and I began to listen.

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And they were trying to get her to do drugs, this boy and this girl, just high school kids. And she kept saying,

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I just watched her, she was fidgeting, she was embarrassed, and she kept saying, well, I thought a lot about it. And they said, well, try it.

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If you just try it, you'll really like it. It'll be a lot of fun. We can go and have a party, and it'll be great. And I could just see the pressure mounting in that little girl's face.

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You could just see them, as they're just sitting, talking calmly, but you could see that pressure building. Here are two of her friends, and they're just talking about how great it is, and how much fun it is.

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And the little girl's been turning it over in her mind, and you could just see her slowly breaking down mentally, slowly breaking down mentally.

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And then, as we said, and we started playing tennis, and they're sitting there, and they get to move over back on their court, and they're going to play a little more, too, and then they stop, and they go to the net, and then a few minutes later, off they go.

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Off they go. To do what? Nobody knows. You know, and you hear reports, and I hear reports, and I get them on my desk.

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I have people writing, and calling, and so forth, constantly about these things. In Albuquerque, New Mexico, the police just moved in.

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They actually advertised in the high schools, put them on the bulletin board, drug party and orgy, being held at a certain address, gave the address.

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And the police came, and people saw them staggering all over in daylight. There were girls laying in every bedroom, and boys all over, why?

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And they said, well, there's something to do, and everybody wanted to do it, and we did it. Most of the time, that's why that young person does it.

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Sure, no purpose. Sure, no goal. Sure, no direction. But the peer pressure on those kids are enormous.

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Now, here's the amazing thing to me. We take our young people. Now, I understand. I am firmly convinced, excuse me, but I'm going to put it right in here.

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I am firmly convinced that the only education that God authorizes is a Christian education. Study to show thyself approved unto

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God. Why do we tell our children, go be educated? So you get a better job, make more money.

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But that's not what God says. God says a man ought to be the best attorney he can be. He ought to be the best laborer he can be.

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He ought to be the best farmer he can be. Why? To make more money? No. So that he might rightly divide the word of truth and reach more lawyers.

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He can reach more farmers. He can reach more doctors. She can reach more nurses. She can reach more school teachers. We ought to study so that we might be prepared to reach the people in whatever calling

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God puts us with the word of God. We teach them just the opposite. And we take our young people, excuse me, we take our young people and turn them over to a humanistic philosophy taught by a non -Christian teacher and we give them their minds for eight hours a day and say, teach these children anything you want to.

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And they do. Sure, they teach them a little math. Sure, they teach them a little geography.

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But they also teach them a philosophy of life. And they do it by many ways.

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That child comes home. That child has chores to do. Responsibilities in the home. And that child has to have homework.

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That child has to eat a meal. And you have one to two hours a day to undo spiritually everything this world, through Satan controlling the world, has done to that child's mind.

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You don't have much time to deal with that child's mind. Because you have responsibilities. And parents have these obligations.

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Seems to me you'd be much wiser to put them in the hands of a Christian teacher. Now, I'm not promoting Christian school.

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But I'll promise you this. Through the ACE and the ABACA courses,

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I can give you poll after poll after poll that has been taken and the kids that are freshmen and sophomores in the

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Christian schools of North America are testing out 40 to 60 percent higher than the juniors and seniors in the public school systems.

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In any course you want to take, they are testing out higher, 40 to 60 percent higher. So the programs are working.

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But you see, in our area, they say, well, if the kids don't come to school, then the federal funds don't come in. So therefore, they're claiming.

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Now, I'm not saying go just go math. All I'm saying is something to consider. We must understand that Satan wants the minds of your young people.

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He wants them. And he's real. Either that or Jesus was mentally deceived. And maybe he had a mental aberration.

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Maybe he was mentally ill and he was out here talking to somebody who wasn't there. But you and I know from the word of God, Satan is very real and he wants the minds of these young people.

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And so he uses friends to dupe them and deceive them. Also, they are interested in their parents.

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Believe it or not, young people are interested in their parents. As I talk to them, I say, what would you really like for your dad to be?

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He'd say, I'd like my dad to be my friend. And you know the biggest complaint that young people have against dads?

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And our brother Harold has mentioned this on several occasions about his own testimony, which has been a blessing to me.

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He said, my dad has always been making me promises and he never keeps them. I'm going to take you fishing.

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I'm going to go to the ball game with you. I'm going to do this. And never, it is better for you never, it's better for a dad never to tell a kid he's going to do a thing with him than to tell him and not do it.

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Just don't tell him. Just don't promise it. But once you promise it, and may I add this, we're going to get into it lest I forget it.

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Same thing with a wife. Don't ever promise a wife you're going to do something if you don't because they won't ever let you forget it. But, I make a commitment to my wife and I say, this is what we're going to do.

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I've had pastors call and say, Rocky, can you come for a conference? And I say, no, I have a commitment. They say, well, do you have a meeting somewhere?

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I say, nope. Well, could you come over and speak in our church? I say, no, I have a commitment. Well, I thought you said you didn't have a meeting.

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I don't have a meeting. What are you going to do? I say, my wife and I are going to do something. Well, that's what brings all the liberalism and all that stuff in here.

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You only got to run your wife. You're supposed to go out and spread the gospel. Well, I used to do that, but I find it's wrong.

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When you and I tell a kid that we're going to do something, do it. Do it. Make it as if it's a commitment with you and that child in God and keep your word with that young person and they'll become more interested in you as a parent, more interested in you as a parent.

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Also, strange enough, they are interested in education. They want to know. They want to learn.

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And a kid does want to. A teenager wants to be educated. He doesn't want to be ignorant. He might be frustrated and defeated and discouraged in it, but he does, she does want to know.

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They don't want to be considered ignorant. And then they are interested in developing their personality.

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They wouldn't call it personality development, but they want to be liked. They want to be loved.

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And so they want to be nice. And they look in the mirror and they don't see what they like.

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They don't think anyone else likes it. So that incorporates in it something else and that's their looks and their appearance. They're very conscious that, you know, man, you look sloppy.

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But that's the way everybody likes for them to look. Young people say, they tell me all the time, they say, I got to be me.

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I say, well, be you. You're just like 50 million other young people. You look like them. You dress like them.

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You talk like them. You're just like a clone. All of you look alike and talk like them. Be yourself.

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Why do you have to dress that way? Well, everybody else, then you're not being you. Is there any time you wouldn't want to dress that way?

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Yeah, well, why don't you try? Well, if I dress that way, then they'll think, I say, now, huh, they don't tell me you want to be you.

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No, you don't want to be you. I say, let me tell you about your friends. They like you as long as you're in their groove. But will they be their friends if you're really you?

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If you really are you, will they be your friends? And get them thinking. Provoke them. Provoke them to thought.

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They are concerned about this. And also, the art of communication is important to teenagers.

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You know what's really interesting? You watch young people. I used to come down on them so strongly. You be talking to them, teenager, you know, you get them in a

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Sunday school class and they'll be looking out the window. They'll be doing this. You'll say, that rascal's not paying attention to me, but I guarantee you they're hearing everything you say.

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You'll think they've turned off. Not always. Sometimes they turn you off, but sometimes they don't. Don't assume they always got you off because they're looking somewhere else.

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Now, if it's in a personal conversation, you're the mom and dad, make them look at you. Always make them look in your eyes.

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Look into my eyes. They don't want to look in your eyes if they're guilty enough. Look in my eyes. Start them out early and you won't have any problem with that.

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But they are interested in communicating back and forth. If you want the young person to listen to you, listen to your young person.

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Listen to them. Look at them in the eye when they're talking to you. Don't interrupt them. Just let them say whatever they want to say. As we said the other evening, ask them what they see in your life that's wrong.

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If you want something explosive to your ego, let any parent sit down with the young people and say, is there anything in dad and mom's life that you'd like to see changed, that you think is not right?

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And just say, no, I'm not going to hold anything against you. I just want you to tell me what's in your heart. And get ready to write.

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Get you a tape recorder or something because you won't remember all of them because they won't. And once they feel like they can, and you know why they don't?

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And you know why they don't come to mom and say, mom or dad, I'm on drugs. Because they know the first thing that's going to happen, we're going to push that red button and pull that electrical switch and go to panic city.

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And you're going to go to, why are you, well, you know what the community is going to say? We are embarrassed for ourselves, not them.

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They're in trouble. They need help. We're afraid of what people are going to think about us. And that's pride.

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And that's why that kid doesn't come. And that's why that kid will go to someone else and talk to them because that person won't criticize them.

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They won't push the panic button. They'll sit and say, well, let's see how we can solve this problem.

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Let me see how we're going to do this. How do you think we can solve it? What do you think we need to do? And then, of course,

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I don't need to tell you that dating is a supreme interest for young people. Dating.

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They are interested in dating. They're also concerned about military service. In Israel, every boy and girl goes into the military.

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One out of every four soldiers is a girl. Yet, without hesitancy, I believe, personally, it's the most efficient army on the planet

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Earth. The most efficient army is in Israel. They have girls in their army. Everybody serves in the military there.

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Some of you have served in the military. I've served in the military. Young people today are concerned about military service.

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Some of them want to go and some of them don't want to go. And they're getting information from all kinds of sides. But military service is something they are concerned about.

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And then, of course, marriage. Marriage is a problem with them. And also, spiritual interest.

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They may not equate spiritual things to the gospel. But the cults are grabbing the youths of this world quicker.

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Islam is the fastest growing religion on the planet Earth. It is a militant, aggressive organization.

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And they are sweeping the world. Sweeping the world. Maharajah Ji, Divine Light Mission, a young boy, 20 years of age.

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Nothing for him to go into a city and have 2 and 3 million people sitting there listening to him through that week's process.

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20 years of age. Just a young man. And you can go on and on with the Maharajahs and the gurus and all of them.

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It's unbelievable what they're doing. Now they're buying whole cities and whole towns. Building their own communities.

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While the church plays games with the youth. Giving them hot dog suppers and pizza parties.

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Those things have their place. But if we don't take that spiritual interest they have that God has created in them and show them how

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Christianity is not something of negativism, but it is the greatest and most exciting adventure that a person has ever known anything about.

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The Christian life. It's an adventure. And Christianity is not just church. Christianity is not just reading the

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Bible. Christianity is a walk with a person. And let them know that it's a vital dynamic relationship then they can respond to that.

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Now, there are many conditions that are having a tremendous impact on teenagers today. One of them is the population.

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In your community, at one time a few years ago, very few people. What are they saying now?

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They're saying they're just right around the corner from you here. By the year 2000, of course they don't know anything about the

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Lord's return. In the year 2000, they're saying they're expecting at least an influx of 20 ,000 more people within it.

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So, population. It has an impact upon these kids. It has an impact upon their school system. It has an impact upon their date life.

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It has an impact upon their family. It has an impact upon everything. They're going to live in a city. They're going to live in a country.

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What are they going to do? Where are they going to school? So it does. The spread of technology. Young people have access today to things that you and I never dreamed about.

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The technology. The scientific advancements. Nowadays, they go to school in junior high school and they study computer technology.

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They study media technology. They study media presentations. They can go into junior high school now and study forms of calculus that still are foreign to most of our minds.

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They're getting things thrown at those young minds. It's unbelievable what they have access to.

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And it's having a tremendous impact upon them. Nationalism. Am I for my country?

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Am I against my country? Am I patriotic or am I not patriotic? Am I to be patriotic? How far am I to go in patriotism?

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But if they don't know anything about it, they don't see the parents interested in it, why should they be interested in it? Why should they care about it?

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And instead of discussing the political areas, instead of discussing this or that, we talk about somebody that, you know, we criticize the prime minister as if he's non -human, even though I may disagree with him.

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Just cut him to ribbons. He can't do anything about it. He doesn't know where I am, but I'll get him good and just go to slicing. Well, it's fine to discuss things we don't agree and maybe it'll be a criticism, but to do it in a form where that kid can respond to it and join in with it and that has something constructive in it.

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To criticize accomplishes nothing. It creates tension, anxieties, distrust, and a lack of respect.

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Laws of the land. It's nationalism. Obey the laws or not obey the laws. Young people today, they get a traffic finding, the officer stops them.

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Dad may know someone. Dad gets that one fixed for him so he doesn't have to pay it. Doesn't look favored, does he?

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Now he teaches them how to escape obeying the law of the land. A man always comes to my mind to illustrate that point of how you can actually do a disservice to a child by letting that child not pay the penalty for something that he's done or to suffer the consequences of what he's done.

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We have to be very discerning in these areas. When we first formed the Rocky Freeman Evangelistic Association, a gentleman,

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Mr. Don Long, became the first president and he and his wife and two daughters and one of the deacons of our church's daughter had been to a church picnic and my wife and I were sitting in our home.

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I received a call from Dr. Larry Walker who's the head of the Old Testament Department at Mid -America Seminary in Memphis, Tennessee and he lived in Fort Worth at the time.

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He was a professor at Southwestern Seminary at that time and he called me and he said, Rocky, he said, I don't know how to tell you, he said, but Don and Sue have just been killed.

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And I said, what? They were doing our home for dinner that evening. And I thought it was some kind of a horrible joke someone was playing on me.

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And what had happened is they were coming home from the picnic and a 19 -year -old boy, drinking, went to the other side of the road on a curve and hit them head on.

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And it took them two hours just to get the cars apart. That boy had had his driver's license revoked three times and his dad had gotten them back for him each time.

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And now he's dead and he killed these other people five.

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And I went to that funeral service and I saw two copper coffins trimmed in white.

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And I saw those two little white coffins trimmed in copper. And it brought to me the realization and the foolishness of parents who think they're doing a young person a service by teaching them how not to do the things that is required of them as they walk through life.

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It's just their relationship to the city, to the community, to the country, to the province, to the town, whatever it is.

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They are there for a reason. And then the urbanization of society has an impact on young people.

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It used to be you could raise a child. There was a time when you never even liked to lock your windows or your doors in most places in the world.

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People just didn't bother you. You just leave them open. Go on off and just drive off and aren't you going to lock your door?

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Well, no. I notice that a lot of people I hear in the evening don't even lock their car. You do not go to church in our area without locking that car.

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We actually have men in the church who patrol the parking lot during services. You just don't do it.

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It's this way. And so the urbanization, everything is moving and people, the population keeps coming and of course that urbanizes society.

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And then another thing that has an impact is the changing role of the woman. Oh, yes. We could spend much time, and we will not, but we could spend much time talking about all the organizations that have taken the woman out of the role that God wants her to be in and is trying to put her in the dominant role of society.

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A complete reversal of God's plans. It is not a matter of man being superior to the woman.

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It is a matter of God's priority. It's a matter of God's priority and God's order of things.

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But these things are tremendously affecting the young people. Do you know that in most major cities today you can talk to young people in the high schools of the cities and say, how many kids do you know in your schools that are homosexuals?

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And they'll set their name to you just like that and it doesn't even bother most of them. It is becoming an accepted fact amongst young people.

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Amongst young people. Most young people in the major high schools and most major cities of North America, most all of them drink an excessive amount of alcohol, whatever that might be.

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And I say excessive, by that I mean any of it's excess to me, but I mean to the point of where they lose some control of their thinking faculties at least once a week.

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At least once a week. And if you don't think it happens, talk to your young people, ask them.

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Say, I don't want any names, but how many kids you know of who go out on the weekends and you think drink heavily?

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About how many would you think? How many of them around do you suspect that you think, if there's good evidence, that they might be involved in one of these other things?

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Don't give me any names, I just curious for numbers from all I'm saying. And then of course, another thing that has a tremendous impact upon young people is the secular emphasis.

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No religion in schools. No religions here. No spirituality.

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No prayer. No Bible reading. Let's don't get into those things. Let's just stay on the basics, they say.

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Sure, that's what everyone says. Well, we don't want to be prejudiced. Everyone has some prejudice. Everyone has some bias.

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And no one is totally objective. That's an impossibility. Humanly speaking, psychologically and emotionally, you cannot be totally objective.

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It's an ideal, but you're not going to be, because all of us have things we're working on in our lives.

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And yet, when you go into most school systems, regardless of where you go, in North America or in Europe, or in Asia, it does not matter where you go.

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You will find that basically, almost every teacher, somehow or other, incorporates their philosophy of living into their teaching process.

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They have to. They can't avoid it. They can't avoid it. And most of the time, that is under a secular emphasis that moves away from anything that has a spiritual connotation, in the sense you and I would appreciate spiritual facts and spiritual data.

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And then, of course, another thing that has an impact is ecology and the environment. We are told that by the year 2250, unless there is a

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World War III, or unless there is a worldwide epidemic of some fatal disease, on the planet

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Earth, there will be one trillion people. We have a little over four billion today, and we have difficulty feeding them.

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Can you imagine what would happen if there were one trillion people? They're saying that there will not be enough plant food on the planet

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Earth to feed the people. And they're predicting now, those who study these things, right or wrong, they're just saying that the people in the undernourished countries,

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India, all through that area, are going to go into an uprising, and they're going to rise against the nations that have plenty, that have plenty.

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And, of course, there's much contention about these. But these are things that have an impact on young people. And yet, if you just deal with a teenager, we don't think about those things.

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We just tell them something, we want them to do it without question, and we expect a basic result out of that that we're looking for, and then everything's fine.

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We don't know what's having an impact on that young mind, and yet there are all kinds of things affecting it. Well, let me quickly give you five basic guides for counseling with teenagers, and by that I mean sitting down and talking with one.

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There are others, but they're five basics. You notice I put that word in there to give myself some freedom, because you'll have some you won't have for that.

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You may want to detract. Well, I think there are five. First of all, you cannot deal with a teenager unless you have that teenager's confidence.

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You can talk to them all day, and they'll sit and listen to you, but you won't get results from them that you want. You'll get results, but they won't be the ones you want.

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When they assume that an adult is interested in them, that we are approachable to them.

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They can approach us, and we're not going to go bananas. We're not going to push the panic button. We're going to calmly listen to them that we are capable, and that whatever they tell us will remain confidential.

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It will be in conflicts, and they're more likely to seek that person's help.

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A cordial relationship with a young person is earned. It cannot be legislated. You can't dictate it.

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On Friday evening at 8 o 'clock, you will sit down with me, and you're going to tell me everything that's in your mind.

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I'm going to get it all out of you one way or the other. You can't do it. But if that kid knows they can, they will.

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Many of you could give testimony today. Most pastors could give testimony, and I certainly can tell you many instances where young people have called.

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I have them from across our country who write letters, but they can't go to their parents. They'll either come to me, or they'll go to someone in the church, and I've had parents write me, say, why is it we have a young couple in our church, and all the kids go to them?

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They don't ever ask me anything. I mean, they're mine. They don't ask me. They go to them and ask them. Why? Because that parent usually is not approachable, or they've not shown that kind of interest.

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And we have a young couple in our church that he, the man, he teaches high school Sunday school class, and the kids don't want to be promoted out of his class, and everybody that's under him wants to get in, because he spends time with them.

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He brings them to his home. He takes them on outings, and he listens to them. He doesn't just preach to them.

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He listens to them, and they just want to come. They come by his office and talk to him. I've been out there visiting with him, have a cup of coffee, just sitting and visiting.

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Here comes a teenager, driving up, and he comes in and wants to talk to him, just dizzy. And I've had two or three of them do that within the course of a couple of hours in a city of some 750 ,000 people.

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They pick him out. They don't want to talk. Why? Because he's approachable, he's capable, he's confidential, and they know he cares about them.

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So you cannot coerce a young person into a relationship of respect and confidence. It cannot be forced.

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It has to be earned. It has to be earned. Said that they paid particular attention to a math teacher.

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It was a teacher. And the teacher, who was a consecrated Christian, earned that student's respect.

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One, because they were a competent teacher. They didn't play around in class. They taught them, and he gave them the facts and taught them well, and so forth.

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And also, he had an understanding heart and was sympathetic towards the problems of the young people.

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He wasn't criticizing them all the time. He was trying to understand their difficulties. And because of that, when that young boy got into a serious difficulty, he didn't go to his parents, he didn't go to his pastor, he went to that teacher.

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And that teacher sat down and was able to guide that young boy through a very difficult time because of a friendly relationship that had been established and eventually led that boy to Christ.

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Now, you won't lead them all to Christ, but this one was able to be led to the Lord simply because of a committed teacher who was available, approachable, capable, and had created a respect with them.

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Also, when we talk to a young person, we must remember that there is a problem to be solved, not a sermon to be preached.

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A problem, not a sermon. They need a solution. It's natural and it's very simple for an adult to preach a sermon to a wavering teenager.

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It's easy. It's natural. I told you, and here's what the Bible says, and give them two or three scriptures, go read them a poem, go play a tape, go play a record, sit them down in front of the

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TV and make them watch a religious program. But what that sermonizing does, it basically will destroy that relationship between those two people.

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It just will. Another young man, a high school student, had been out with a group of boys and a very simple thing to many people, to you and I it wouldn't be simple, but they stole a bunch of hubcaps off of cars in parking lots.

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And it bothered him so much that the kid just, he couldn't stand it, so he didn't know what to talk, so he went and talked to his teacher.

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And this teacher also happened to be the Sunday school teacher, so invited him to church. And as they began to come to church, they began to talk.

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And the teacher didn't preach. In fact, he said that he just listened. And then he began to discuss with the boy why and why he did it and what was the result of it and what was he looking for and all these things.

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And he didn't preach him a sermon on the virtues of honesty. And he didn't tell him that he was wrong and guilty, the kid already knew that.

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Instead, he resolved the boy's problem and he didn't build a wall between them. And naturally, the boy responded.

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I can name the instance where the reverse happened and the kid never came back. He never came back. He didn't come back to church.

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He didn't come back to the person because they preached him a sermon rather than trying to solve the problem. Another basic factor is that we have to remember when we're talking to young people, maybe not our own, but other young people, that the family and religious background of a young person is extremely important to their understanding, to an understanding of their actions.

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What is their religious background? Why do they think like they do? What kind of a home? Now, if you're a Sunday school teacher or a minister, it's very difficult to deal with a young person if we don't know what kind of home life they come from.

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We can't assume it. We can't assume, oh, I know his dad. I see him all the time.

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Creep. Maybe. Why is his dad like he is? Why is his dad like he is?

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What's his kid's faith in when he's home? Is he being abused? Does he have a good diet? Is he able to get enough food?

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Is he embarrassed? Does he live in fear? What kind of anxieties does he have?

48:55

A youth director told me that a girl came to her and said that she was just so disappointed with this kid.

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And I said, why? She goes to some of the world's places. She goes to all the dances. She goes to all the parties.

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I mean, her amusement is nothing but totally carnal, worldly. And it was just so disappointing to her.

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And I said, well, what do you do about it? And she said, I began to go visit her in her home.

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And one day I decided I'd go visit with her mom. Just by example. She visited her mother. And while she visited with her mother, her dad, her girl's dad happened to come in.

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And through talking to that mother and watching that dad at home, she began to understand something of this girl's problem.

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She was able to go back and deal with this girl and help this girl with her problem. She didn't preach her sermon, but she showed her the values that are worthy and showed her

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Christian values and showed her positive things she can do in life. Now, these things are very simple and very basic, but I will guarantee you that 95 % of Christian parents don't utilize them.

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They just don't. We don't take the time. We just think if we bring our children to church and a

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Sunday school teacher can teach them and a pastor can preach to them and we go to church and everything, they're going to be all right.

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It just doesn't work that way because the pressures are tremendous on young people and our enemies wander about.

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Also, never assume, never assume that there is a serious problem behind some trivial circumstance.

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Don't assume because a young person comes to you with a problem that the worst is laying there somewhere or lying behind them.

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Not at all. A young lady came and wept with the problem.

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God, you're weeping. It's broken. Fourteen years of age. Well, why are you so hurt?

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Oh, I just want to tell you. And it took the longest time talking to this kid. You know what her problem was?

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Forgive me why. So simple. After school, she'd met a young boy behind the school and kissed him.

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That was it. That was it. Fourteen years old. It was her first one. And she was horrified that her mom and her dad were going to find out that she wouldn't have a kid and kiss this boy.

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She was devastated. She felt unclean. She felt dirty. She felt she'd betrayed her parents.

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She felt like her reputation was going to be demolished in the school. All of those things. What do you mean? Why, that's nothing.

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I can remember whenever I went out. And we'd go on and get on that. That doesn't solve that problem. Doesn't solve that problem at all.

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And so what we have to do is we have to sit and listen to them and remember that it's not the worst.

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I just said, well, is that all you did? Don't tell me. Where there's smoke, there's fire.

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Don't tell me. All you did was kiss him. I mean, that was it. You just pecked him on the cheek and that was it. Oh, no, you didn't just peck him on the cheek.

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And then we'd go on. And before long, that kid's in there. They don't. No, no, no. Don't think the worst.

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Now, also be very careful. Some young people are hardened criminals. You go to New York City, you can talk to the police officials.

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You can go to Detroit, Michigan. You can come to Dallas, Texas. You can go to Los Angeles, California. Yay, you can go to Toronto.

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You can go to many cities of the world and they'll tell you that a 9-, 10-, and 11 -year -old child is as dangerous as an adult hardened criminal.

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They'll take your life for $1 .50. Some of the most atrocious crimes ever committed by a human on earth have been committed by young people.

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In Miami, Florida, a 16 -year -old boy was nailed to a tree and his skin stripped from his body by teenagers.

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And a turnpike out in California, a young lady ran out of gas, a young mother. Five teenagers, two girls and three boys came driving by and said, we'll take you to get some gasoline.

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And they took her to get some gasoline, brought her back and doused her with it and set her aflame. So let's remember that not always is there a serious problem, but also be sensitive to the fact that some young people are like hardened criminals.

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And we have to deal with them differently sometimes than we do the other. And then also, this is so obvious to us, but any time you talk to a young person, always make every effort to lead that child to Christ.

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Lead that young person to Christ. Don't ever apologize for your Christianity. Don't apologize that you desire them to be a

53:35

Christian. Make no reservation about it. I am a Christian. I'm going to approach you on a Christian basis, and I desire with all of my heart.

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I do this with adults, and you do too. I've had people say, a Jewish businessman, not too long ago, we were sitting at dinner with a pastor, lunch, the pastor had taken us and myself and one of our missionary workers out of Dallas, and we were sitting talking to this

53:55

Jewish businessman. He says, I can tell right now, you want me to come over to your side. That's what you want. I said, yes, sir.

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I sure do. I sure do. Well, now, I'm getting uncomfortable talking to you, and, well, sure.

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So, we need to lead them to the Lord. The highest goal in counseling an individual is to lead them to Jesus Christ.

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That's the highest goal, is to lead them to saving knowledge in Jesus Christ. Ask them, to ask the question, you know, are you really saved, and do you really know the

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Lord? And sometimes young people are struggling with this. You know, we say, well, I know my child is saved, but somewhere they'll struggle with it.

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They'll come up and ask the minister of music. They'll come up and ask the pastor. Maybe they'll come up and ask you. How do you know you're really saved?

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You say, why are they asking me such a dumb question? Why are they asking me such a dumb question? Are they playing games with me?

54:48

No, they're just going through a little mental crisis, and they want to know how you know, because they're going to get out here and they're going to say, oh, you can't know that.

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They hear it on television, they read it in books, and there are all kinds of people who say, you can't know you are saved, but you can know you are saved.

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So let's remember that these young people are part of your family. Question, how many families, how many husbands and wives, when they make decisions concerning their families, they sit down together with their young people and say, now, we're trying to decide whether we're going to go on vacation.

55:20

We're trying to decide, should we sell our home and buy another one? We're trying to decide what kind of an automobile we're going to purchase, and here's what

55:29

Mom and I are talking about. Here's what your mother and I are discussing.

55:35

What do you think? Well, what difference does it make what I think? Well, we're interested.

55:41

We want to know. You're part of the family. We're not going to make a decision without consulting you. But you know what?

55:46

We think that kid can't contribute anything. Why? They're just a teenager. What do they know about buying a car?

55:53

What do they know about a house? They don't know a lot about all those details, and neither do I. I can't even make out an income tax form.

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I know kids that can. I can't. I mean, I don't know what's good or bad.

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I can't make one out. I don't know. I've never made one out. And that may not mean anything necessarily, but this

56:16

I know. If you will incorporate those young people into your decision -making process, they'll have more of a freedom to come to you and speak to you, and they will to any parent.

56:26

But if we just let them come in and out and eat and sleep and send them to school and tell them they can go out and get a job when school is out and et cetera, then when the crisis comes, they're not going to come to you.

56:36

They're going to go to someone else. And it may be good, but it also may be bad. They may get wrong information.

56:44

And tragically today, so many young people are getting information that they're getting it from the wrong sources.

56:51

The wrong sources. Well, we're approaching the point for a break shortly.

56:57

Let me share with you a poll, a very basic poll that was taken about marriage.

57:03

Take a deep breath. We're not going to take an offering. Some very simple things come out when you talk to people.

57:12

You know, we think they have to be profound. Most problems are not profound. You know how mountains are made out of grains of sand?

57:20

If you remove all the little particles, you don't have a mountain. And most problems do not come up as a problem.

57:26

They start very small, very simple and very basic in every person's life.

57:31

When a problem comes, it takes a while for that problem to show up as it is and becomes a barrier.

57:38

Well, some of the reasons why there are happy and unhappy marriages, according to some, ask the question, give me some qualities of your wife that makes you believe you have marital happiness.

57:54

And one of them said, she is always neat. She's always neat.

58:00

I said, well, now explain that to me. And of course, they'd explain each of these to me. And always neat, what does that mean?

58:07

Always wearing heels and stockings. No, no, but always neat. Well, she's cleaning the yard.

58:14

I said, how's she going to clean the yard neat? She's just going all sloppy all the time. She's neat. When she comes around me, she is neat.

58:21

She goes and works in the yard, yeah, but she don't just stagger around the house that way all day. No, she's always neat.

58:26

Another thing says, she dresses especially for me each evening before my arrival home.

58:33

Ha! She dresses especially for me each evening? No. But you see, he comes in the house and what's the wife say?

58:40

But you see, I've been in this house all day long. I've been cooped up in here. I am not going to go in there and take a shower.

58:46

And I'm not going to brush my hair. And I'm not going to put on some nice dress. I mean, why should I do that? He knows me.

58:51

He's seen me at my worst. So he knocks on the door and there she stands.

58:58

Surprise! Curlers hanging out this ear. Lipstick partially, just got it on the top one, you know.

59:04

Rouge on this side here, you know. House coat hanging off here. And one slipper on, dog's got it.

59:10

Don't know where it is. And there she stands and said, Supper will be ready in a while. I've got the TV dinner in there, you know.

59:16

I'm going back in here. What are you doing? I'm watching Divorce Court TV. Had a lady that we knew well, my wife and I.

59:28

She was driving her husband crazy. And he talked to me once in a while and he said, I don't know where she gets all this stuff.

59:34

I mean, she had these attorneys working and we found out she was watching Divorce Court on TV. And whatever they do, that's what she'd do.

59:41

And she was driving this poor guy crazy. And you know, but it doesn't take much, but we encourage ladies when the husband, yes, he's been off working, and the wife works harder than the man does.

59:53

Yes, she has far more responsibilities in so many different ways. No one in their right mind even questions that.

01:00:00

But I will promise you, it will make a lot of difference for a wife who will make herself neat prior to his coming home.

01:00:10

Now, I tell the ladies, I say, ladies, if you don't, there are those who will. If you don't, there are those who will.

01:00:18

So, I say also, one of the reasons they said, she cooks well and she plans good meals.

01:00:25

Now, that doesn't mean you gotta have sirloin steak and baked potatoes. No, she can fix hamburgers, she can fix hot dogs, but there's so many things she can do with that.

01:00:35

Why just slap it between a bun and slap it up on a paper plate and say, get your napkin out of there, slosh him some tea up there, you know, and say, there it is.

01:00:44

Well, this stuff's unsweetened. I like mine sweetened. Well, you know where the sugar is, baby. Don't you? You know?

01:00:51

No. She could take that hot dog, put it on a plate. She can put table setting there, take a little flour and stick it up there in the middle of the table.

01:01:01

You can serve your family, you can serve them gravy and bread. Put a little flour up there, make the kitchen attractive.

01:01:09

Make the meal attractive. There are a lot of things. A lot of people don't have much to spend a lot on meals, but I'll promise you, you can take what you have and make it attractive.

01:01:17

It just takes a little ingenuity and a little creativity. I'll promise you this, ladies, if you don't, somebody else will.

01:01:23

No matter how ugly you think your husband is, he is attractive to someone. That's right.

01:01:31

Another one is, she is economical. She knows how to govern money.

01:01:42

And he says, I really appreciate the fact that she watches the coins.

01:01:48

My dad used to tell me, he said, don't worry about your dollars. He said, just watch your pennies and your dollars will take care of themselves. Most Jews learned that very early in life.

01:01:57

I know what you're thinking, so I thought I'd go ahead and say it. Then I asked the ladies, what qualities do you see in your husband?

01:02:07

It was very basic. He said, he does little thoughtful things that I don't have a right to expect.

01:02:14

Little thoughtful things. Now I can tell you that I have, my wife and I have not had any, you know, we've not talked about divorce, we don't have that in our vocabulary or anything like that, but I have abused our marriage relationship in so many, many ways, in little ways, that I didn't realize.

01:02:31

But what is wrong with occasionally writing your wife a letter? I said, write her a letter, man, I'm coming home. I mean,

01:02:37

I understand that, but just drop her a note, pick up the phone and say, I just want to tell you I love you today.

01:02:43

I want to tell you I thank you, or why not just go out and buy her something, maybe a handkerchief, or maybe a card, or when was the last time you sent your wife a dozen roses?

01:02:52

A dozen? Man, those things are 50 bucks. A man will go out and spend $250, $300, $325 for a suit.

01:03:04

He'll go out and spend $25, $50 for a pair of shoes. Give a wife $25, and she'll buy her two pair of shoes and buy one of the kids a pair.

01:03:11

You give her $300, and she'll make her three dresses and buy the kids clothes out of that same $300. A man will go out and spend $150 on a bowling ball, he'll spend $75 on a rod and reel, but he doesn't have time to buy her a little something.

01:03:24

I tell men, I say, gentlemen, I tell this to people when I'm talking to them, I say, whenever they roll your wife down the aisle of a church in a casket, you will wish to God for 1 ,000 opportunities that you could redo.

01:03:38

Just something thoughtful for your wife. She is the dearest possession God will ever give you on this earth.

01:03:46

She is first in your life after him. And you can't be right with him if you're not right with her.

01:03:53

Now, when you buy little things for your wife, you can buy big things for them, but they will drive you bananas.

01:03:58

Men, I understand it. Now, we're not in a marriage conference here as such, but this is a part of counseling people, and just give this illustration.

01:04:09

She'll not mind me doing it. She's here, so we know each other better. I had a real good deal.

01:04:15

We had good deals, and I had a real good deal to get an Icelandic sheep coat. Beautiful.

01:04:22

I'd never seen one. I had a chance to get a real good deal on it, and it was big figures, but I wasn't going to pay.

01:04:27

I was going to pay the little figures for the big figure. That's always a good deal. And so I was going to get that, so I ordered it.

01:04:34

And one night I just said, let's go out to dinner. So she prepared herself very lovely and got ready for dinner, and she's standing there in the hall, and I just walked out and draped that over her shoulders.

01:04:45

And all women are alike. I mean, they show up in different ways. They do this in the mirror.

01:04:54

Excuse me for turning my back. And then they give it to you. It really isn't my style.

01:05:03

But if you know them, you can find something that is. So just, I got that all shipped all the way from up in the underdome here.

01:05:11

No, just take it. We'll get it back. Send it on back and go get something else. It'll pay off in the long run, brother.

01:05:18

I tell you it will. Little things are big things. But do things that they don't expect you to do.

01:05:25

Don't come looking for something all the time. And then, one of them said, he keeps well groomed.

01:05:33

Keeps his hair combed. He stays neat for me. Now, I know that most men, to be macho, they wear the sweat suit, and tennis shoes, sneakers, you know, and smell like Hogan's goat.

01:05:48

That makes you macho, makes you a man. You know, she can't tell you're a man if she don't get that odor, you know. But she says, he keeps well groomed.

01:05:58

I'm not embarrassed. I'm a husband. We'll talk about it a little more, about the physical part of it.

01:06:06

It's quite interesting how people look at one another. Another thought is that she says, he is sympathetic about my physical disturbances.

01:06:14

And he understands me. He understands me. He's aware of things that go on with me.

01:06:21

The monthly cycles and so forth. He's sensitive to those. Most men don't even understand. They don't know what you're talking about.

01:06:28

They know about what she's talking about, but they can't understand all this. And so, he says,

01:06:34

I appreciate this in him. And then also, he notices little changes I make in the home.

01:06:39

Now, that is something that I struggle with. I like everything just like it has been for 20 years.

01:06:46

Why move it? Because, you see, if you move it over here, have you ever struggled with something? I mean, pick up this couch.

01:06:54

And they'll say, I'll help you, but now you know what that means. That means that they're just going to lift that end up a little bit, and you've got to, and you know, and the young Jew, he might be big, so I have to go, and I'm moving around a little bit.

01:07:06

And you get everything straightened out like that, and they'll say, boy, they really look at you. You see a pleasure in their eyes.

01:07:13

It's a thrill. And then they say, I like it better back the way it was. And here you go.

01:07:20

You're back. You're just hoping your friends will come and visit. At any moment you need help. Now, that doesn't happen once.

01:07:27

If it was just once a year, you know, maybe a birthday thing, or perhaps maybe it was Easter or something, some holiday, we could have it, you know, with declared day, furniture moving day, across America, Please Mother Day or something, anything like that.

01:07:41

But, you know, to come in and say, you know, it's taken me a long time to learn this, but women identify with their home.

01:07:51

And, you know, the husband comes in and throws that shoe over there, you know, and throws that paper over there, and she says,

01:07:58

I wish you wouldn't do that. Well, big deal. You might as well throw that shoe at her. You might as well throw that newspaper at her because that is her kingdom.

01:08:08

And that is her domain. And she expends her life getting that floor clean. She expends her life making that thing nice.

01:08:17

And she doesn't want anybody coming in and hurling something across there. But most men, Well, the man is the head of the home.

01:08:25

May I share this with you? A man has no authority in his home. None. None. Zero. Zilch.

01:08:32

No authority in the home whatsoever. A man only has delegated authority from God.

01:08:39

And if he misuses that authority, God will deal with that man. Wives, you don't have to deal with him.

01:08:46

Don't worry about him. Just pray for him. And I tell wives, I said, Pray out loud at night.

01:08:54

When you go pray, just kneel down beside your bed and say, Dear God, I love my husband and I thank you for him.

01:09:02

Let him be laying over there in the bed sleeping. He won't be sleeping. I tell people this, and it works.

01:09:09

Lord, I thank you for my husband. He works so hard. He's provided such a wonderful place for us. And I just am so grateful.

01:09:16

But Lord, you know, it just hurts my heart. It irritates me. It brings up resentment in me.

01:09:22

It makes me feel towards him things I don't want to feel because he doesn't care about the cleanliness of himself or the home.

01:09:30

Lord, I mean, just name whatever it is. Now, when you get out of bed, he's going to say, like he just woke up.

01:09:38

I was sleeping and I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying. And I think that you need to say, sweetheart, excuse me,

01:09:45

I wasn't talking to you. I wasn't addressing you. That's private between me and God.

01:09:52

Now, he's not going to say, well, how come you prayed in here? You know, he knows why. Just say, let's just go to sleep and we'll talk about it later, perhaps.

01:10:00

It's amazing how it brings him under conviction because most of the time he's not even thinking about it.

01:10:05

He doesn't mean to be malicious. He just isn't thinking about it. You know, it's his house. He just comes in and he does it.

01:10:11

So, this is what they were saying. Notice the little changes. That is a lovely array of flowers you have.

01:10:18

Well, you know, we've had hamburger five nights in a row, but I believe this tastes better than any of the other four.

01:10:26

Well, I fixed it just the same, just to see if you would, you know. No, they will appreciate it.

01:10:33

And then, he never discusses my weak points in public.

01:10:41

He never discusses my weak points in public. I'll just say it here lest I forget it.

01:10:49

One of the most dangerous things for a couple to do is to criticize one another in humor publicly.

01:10:58

Well, yeah, she needs to get on a diet. You know, yes,

01:11:04

I understand. Most men want their wives to look like Raquel Welch while they run around looking like Zero Mostel or some whales.

01:11:16

But none of us are equipped that way. Most of us don't have that going for us. Never speak humor at one another about some problem or someone's personality or their figure, their physical, never.

01:11:33

Don't ever discuss a weakness. Ladies, never criticize your husband publicly.

01:11:41

Husbands never criticize a wife publicly to anyone. Discussion of a problem is one thing.

01:11:50

Criticism is dangerous and it comes out in humor most of the time. You watch them, they jab at each other, you know, that's extremely dangerous.

01:11:58

I'll promise you, anytime you see a husband and wife, just kind of, I mean, you know, just kind of little fencing, so to speak. You know, they're just having fun.

01:12:05

They're just a good couple. Boy, they just, you know, they're always getting at each other that way. You watch their home, watch their children, watch those lives.

01:12:13

All kinds of tensions and anxieties and you'll usually find a couple that are not together spiritually when that's going on.

01:12:20

They're not together, there's not prayer, there's not Bible study, it just doesn't, because you can't do that. It's extremely dangerous.

01:12:27

Well, we're going to close in just a moment. Let me give you the others quickly and then we'll take a break. It's ten after one.

01:12:38

Five unhappy men and women that I talked to gave some little things that grew big enough to spoil their happiness.

01:12:48

The man said, she is always finding fault with me. She is always finding fault.

01:12:54

Everything, I mean, no matter what I do, it is never right. She never commends me for anything.

01:13:00

Another man said, she opposed me and everything I try to do. Every time I tell the children to do something, well, when

01:13:06

I tell them to do something, she comes right around and tells them they don't have to do it. No matter what decision I make, I said, I want to paint that house purple, and she said,

01:13:13

I don't like purple, I want it yellow. And so, she opposes me in everything that I do.

01:13:19

You know, if a husband comes to a wife and says, I want to paint this house purple,

01:13:26

I believe that the honorable thing and the right thing, personally, as far as I would understand the scripture, would say, now, sweetheart, you know, purple is probably your favorite color, and it's beautiful, and irises,

01:13:36

I mean, it's just lavender, it's just gorgeous, but may I share with you why I personally feel that that is not maybe the best choice, although a good choice.

01:13:46

And then they go ahead and tell him and give him the counsel and advice that you have. But then, if he thinks about it and he determines that you're going to paint that house purple, let him paint it purple.

01:13:56

You won't have to come back later and say, I told you so. He will know so. He'll know he made a mistake, but let him make them.

01:14:04

It is not the woman's job to correct or change the man. It's her job to support him and pray for him, let

01:14:10

God change him, because no woman has ever changed any man. She never has.

01:14:16

You can't. It's impossible. Have you ever said this, you make me mad. No one can make you angry.

01:14:24

It's impossible. What they do is create a circumstance so that the anger that's in my heart just shows itself.

01:14:31

But it's already there. It's already there. So in order to get rid of it myself, I would say, you did it. You made me mad.

01:14:37

And they walk off feeling guilty because they think they did it. They don't know. It's projection.

01:14:42

It's a defense mechanism psychologically. So it fits in here. Opposement. Another one, she's always fighting with the children.

01:14:49

She argues with them constantly. I come home and she's got one on hip and it's crying. The other over in the crib, it's crying.

01:14:55

And one back in on the bed and it's crying. Got one chained to the fence out back and it's screaming. Always fighting with the kids.

01:15:02

That's what he said. And the other one said, our home is in a constant uproar. Now a man can govern the attitude of a home but so can a woman.

01:15:11

A woman can bring into a home a sweetness and a tenderness and a kindness and a graciousness that a man cannot bring in.

01:15:20

She can bring in an atmosphere to that home just by the way she keeps it, by her attitude, by her response, and by her spending her day.

01:15:28

And let me just insert this. Do not believe that because a child is very young that it cannot accomplish certain things.

01:15:36

We have friends, one particular young deacon in our church, that he has a little girl that he adopted and she's about three

01:15:46

I think now. Four, she just turned four. And I have, she has an older boy that they prayed 11 years for a child and when they got that one and just a couple weeks after they adopted that one she found out she was expecting.

01:15:59

And so they had one and all of a sudden she turned around and found out she was expecting another one. So one's about 18 months, something like that, and the other one's in between that one and the four year old.

01:16:08

Those children can quote you a verse of scripture. The little 18 months can quote you a scripture for each letter in the alphabet.

01:16:17

They can do it. Why? Because she takes part of her day and she sits those children down and she teaches them scripture.

01:16:25

That little boy, he comes toddling, he's a little terror, you know, that little cat. He just, boy, he heard his cat screaming. He's got the cat, like he's carrying it, like he's got his headlock on a nail or something, you know.

01:16:33

That little cat's just squalling and he just picks it up like that and carries that cat around and he doesn't know his own strength.

01:16:38

He's just like a little tank. But he's a real tenderhearted little kid. And he'll say things at the other kids, you know, and he hasn't heard anything real violent or profane, but he'll say little things to upset the other kids.

01:16:50

So she's telling him a verse of scripture. Now he just goes around and he quotes that scripture to himself. He's only 18 months. He'll say, Jordan, keep thy tongue from evil.

01:17:00

Now if he says something that hurts the other kids, he just quotes himself that scripture and he straightens out and he goes on. 18 months.

01:17:08

And when she corrects him, she'll say, Jordan, look at mother's eyes. And that little boy will look up at her eyes and he'll lock them.

01:17:14

She'll say, you know that you are wrong. She doesn't say, you know you're wrong, sweet Jordan.

01:17:21

No, she doesn't talk to him. Talk, you know, you're, that kid doesn't understand all that.

01:17:29

No. Wait till your dad comes home and he'll get you. No. She says, look at mother's eyes.

01:17:36

Now I'm going to correct you for that. I have told you not to do that and you know you're not supposed to do that. We love one another in our home.

01:17:43

Now you go tell your brother you're sorry. You ask for his forgiveness. And they do it to each other.

01:17:50

Forgive me. I'm sorry. And she comes back and says, now she takes him in the room and corrects him.

01:17:55

Pow, pow, pow. Takes him again back, no problem. And those kids can quote you scripture. They can name you principles of living.

01:18:02

They can learn. Listen, we take a child and give them a book at six years of age. Their personality is set at five.

01:18:09

And we take them at six years of age and give them a bunch of white pages with some black marks on them and say, now learn to read.

01:18:15

And they do it. Their minds are amazing. And they can do it. They can do it.

01:18:22

We're past the moments for our break. So let's with our time management man this is dangerous but we are one minute, two minutes past that time.

01:18:31

But let's just stop there and go ahead and take a 15 minute break and we'll come back at the half hour and pick it up about fighting with children.

01:18:42

And beginning back up we're saying that some of the unhappy men and women these things that I've been mentioning about being unhappy these were just small things but they grew.

01:18:56

And these are things that the people said grew in their life enough not that they all divorced but that it spoiled their relationship and they became problems that had to be dealt with.

01:19:08

They were problems that they had to spend time dealing with and we all know that problems never come out at the first as a problem.

01:19:18

I mean it you know mountains are made out of grains of sand. We don't stumble over mole hills but if we'd watch that mole hill and smooth it out it wouldn't grow to be a mountain.

01:19:28

You know we could catch it even before it becomes a sand dune. And so these are things that grew and we were just saying that one of the men said that the home is always in an uproar.

01:19:38

Have you not been into a home that just you just sense the tension. I mean when you go into a home and visit with them and you leave that home you just sense like boy there's no peace in that home.

01:19:49

I mean you just sense like it's just total anxiety in that house. And you begin to wonder why.

01:19:56

You begin to wonder why. And the house is in an uproar. Another thing was they said she's always telling me that I do not love her anymore.

01:20:06

She says you just don't love me anymore. Now this is difficult for a lot of men because men somehow or other in generally speaking believe well she knows

01:20:18

I love her. Well have you ever told her you do? She knows I do. Sweetheart do you love me?

01:20:23

You know I do. Well you don't ever tell me. Well I work every day. I go to work from you know

01:20:28

I work from 8. I got in overtime. Well I give you money. What else can

01:20:34

I do? I come I cut the grass once a week. Well I go to work I don't do windows but I mean

01:20:39

I do all the rest. Well I know I just like to hear you say every once in a while you love me.

01:20:45

And she begins to think and she begins to most men believe they can do whatever they want and then sex solves the problem.

01:20:54

Now of course some of you are beyond that point you don't have to worry about it but there you know most people there are somewhat interested in that.

01:21:01

You find that with older people they not too interested in all this perhaps but it's amazing how that is in the male mentality that he believes physical relationship with his wife solves all of her problems.

01:21:15

She can come to him weeping and crying. She can come to him with money problems and everything and he'll talk and listen to her a little bit and he'll grunt and groan and mom he'll you know tap the table a little bit with his hand and he'll get up and go get him a coke or get him some coffee and she's in there pouring out her heart about the kids and so forth and things like that and he just believes well boy tonight everything will be alright and so then he goes ahead and after their intimate relationship then all of her problems are supposed to be solved and yet within it isn't.

01:21:42

Within it isn't and the physical of course we know is only an expression of the inner and if it isn't it is of no value it is no more than the animals and so it ought to be an expression of the inner and all the person is involved in so she said he never tells me that he loves me and so I just feel he doesn't or there are things that he's been saying that he's going to do and it's amazing again it's a matter of sometimes of broken promises in our yard we have a bunch of climbing roses along the back fence and I suppose it was probably

01:22:19

I don't know imagine somewhere between I'll give myself some leeway probably between one and three years that my wife asked me to put some posts up out there some cedar posts so he put some wire and so he let the roses climb the wire

01:22:34

I'm going to get them I'm going to do it a couple weeks go by and say you know those roses really need some

01:22:41

I'm going to do it I'm going to get them I already wrote a note I wrote me a note and put it in my pocket

01:22:47

I carry notes around with me all the time I get notes in my pocket so I had notes I'm going to get them a year went by they were still out there they were ok the roses weren't going anywhere they were in the ground they wouldn't get up and walk they would grow and it took me forever now

01:23:02

I didn't put them far enough down in the ground in the concrete so they kind of tipped a little bit so now it's going to probably take me another three years before I can get those things straightened back up and get them in the place but now

01:23:11

God has brought relief because we're planning on moving them this fall and we're going to put them together so I don't have to worry about it you see but I really meant to do it and I plan on doing it

01:23:20

I just don't ever get around doing it so it's a matter of priorities of course and what our brother's been telling us but women want to see as much as they want to hear our love for them so consequently she just says you don't love me anymore he says man

01:23:35

I don't know why you think that and I come home every night I don't go nowhere else he goes to the bars every night before he comes home just the fact that he's there ought to be enough if he's in the house that ought to that's everything right there the moment he walks in the door that ought to be as God's gift to her and so therefore all of her problems ought to be solved if he just comes home and sleeps at night that ought to be enough that should be sufficient but not so now on the other side she says this

01:23:59

I thought that can't be a problem she said he leaves a ring in that tub every time he gets out he never cleans that tub up I said is that really a problem sure it's a problem he gets in there he's dirty he washes his hair oil comes off him and there's a ring and I have to scrub that thing out it's a ring in there all

01:24:22

I ask him to do is just take a little soap on the rag and he'll clean that thing up and just go around the side before he gets out he did it that's all

01:24:28

I ask him to do I got to take care of the kids well that's her job why can't she do it it's sort of like have you ever noticed men there are so many spiritual miracles that go on it's unbelievable in the life of Christian people the wife she comes home okay so they're there and so forth and it comes

01:24:48

Sunday morning I guess you can see it on Sunday morning more than any other time Sunday morning you get ready to go to Sunday school get ready to go to church two to three children the wife runs in she gets dressed she's got to get little

01:25:00

Johnny dressed and she's got to get little Tommy dressed and little Susie dressed so she's got to get them dressed now she gets all of them and she's getting them dressed and she's got to find their little

01:25:09

Bible she's got to help them with their little offering envelope and she's got to get their Sunday school material ready and here she is she's got three kids she's got an arm full of Bibles and where's her husband he's out in the car are you going to church we're going to be late let's go we're going to take all day and here she comes she's got he's sitting in the car and she's pulling those children out and got all the

01:25:28

Bibles she gets them in and all of a sudden he says where's my Bible she says I have it sweetheart here it is and he gets in the car and then they get in and they're going to church to worship

01:25:35

God and as they go little Tommy he's kind of rambunctious and little

01:25:41

Tommy he reaches over and he pinches little John and here he goes the debtor and I'll tell you what he's got what

01:25:47

I'm going to slap you out of this car boy if you don't straighten up get back over and then all of a sudden behold they pull into the church parking lot and a spiritual miracle occurs dad comes out of the car and here is good morning pastor

01:26:02

God bless you today hello Deacon brother good to see you oh

01:26:07

God bless you good to see you pastor and where's the wife she's falling out of the car with three kids she's trying to get them to their

01:26:14

Sunday school class and here he is all he's got to do is get one person ready and she says I would appreciate it so much if you just kind of clean the tub up when you get through that's our woman's job that's not our man's job you cleaned up she owes it to him because he is her husband no why not came a problem another one he won't do anything around the house nothing wash clothes have you ever worked you know how to run a washing machine most men don't even know how to turn one on it confuses them they can go down and repair a machine they can repair a car but to work that crazy little dial that thing says well that thing says it's got five and four and three and two and rinse and light delicate and all this stuff

01:26:58

I don't know how to work all that four or five buttons on there how do you put that I don't know going in you find soap suds all over the floor because they just dump the whole thing in we don't learn

01:27:07

I can remember a time when I first made coffee should have known how to make coffee and I said let me make coffee

01:27:12

I remember grandmother she said well if you want to do it what did she say put four cups in there

01:27:17

I said okay a little plastic cup about like that it was a dipper that wasn't a cup that's a dipper a cup is a cup so I went and got a cup and I come down there a little coffee pot about like that and I put four cups of coffee in there they come to pour coffee they turn the coffee pot out and nothing comes out of that coffee

01:27:36

I remember something comes like molasses it comes dripping out they look just like this she said what is that you know reach in there take it get that stuff out you couldn't do it four cups

01:27:46

I should have known how to know that nobody learns they won't do anything around the house most men can't

01:27:54

I mean how do you want to vacuum the house how do you do this it's hilarious to watch many men

01:28:00

I've gone to people's homes and sometimes I have the joy of staying in folks homes when

01:28:05

I go into a meeting now most time I stay in motels but occasionally I go into church and sometimes

01:28:11

I meet people in the church and we get along great and I enjoy them and so when I go back to church I stay in their home you know and so watch some of the men because I'm there you know he's there you better do something you know he's here he'll tell the pastor you know like the pastor he doesn't know you know pastors and ministers they don't know these things you know they don't know anything like that you know when the pastor comes the husband he runs in there and opens that big bible on the coffee table to psalms and dusts it off real good so the pastor thinks they read the scripture every day get him a little air spray and whisk it around so he can't smell the cigarette smoke and then come on in pastor

01:28:45

God bless you like you know he's not a dummy he doesn't know watch these men with the vacuum cleaner it is awesome it is like the proverbial bull in a china closet they're stumbling all over boom they bounce on this you'll break this and all this thing and God forbid that the bag should ever get full while they're trying to do it because they don't know how to change that bag what would be wrong with a husband assisting a wife as I understand marriage it is this it's a unity and my wife and I have chosen a verse that was recently presented to me by that's become such a blessing in psalm 86 unite our hearts to fear thy name and it's our belief and it's my firm conviction that if you and I can get along with our mates and if a husband and wife can become one in everything they will really understand what the fear of the

01:29:36

Lord really is and to walk them along that means assisting one another helping one another nothing wrong with a man she said we won't do anything around the house a man goes to work and that's his job he's done his job for the day from then on it is watched television and you know how he is most of us here are married he comes home and right before you massage his shoulders and put his slippers on him right before that what's the first thing he wants something to drink so you go get him some tea and you hand it to him then you slip his slippers on his feet and you bring his little top coat on let him get his little house coat around him and then you massage his shoulders do you not for about 35 -40 minutes to kind of relax him a little bit then you give him the newspaper there and kind of massage his skull to kind of relax him a little bit and then he'll do just about anything you want won't he it would be nice if it were that way but it isn't that way but a home can be just a house and called a home but it is a home when everyone in that home participates helping one another and we'll touch on that just briefly in a little bit and then it says he's grouchy with the children it's amazing how many husbands treat their children different than they would treat someone else's children they'll spend a lot of time sometimes with neighbor children than they do their own someone a neighbor's kid can say

01:30:53

Mr. so and so would you help me do this he'll help him on his bicycle help him work on something help him do this help him do that but the other kid comes in and says dad would you help me do this

01:31:02

I don't have time and then one of the biggest complaints is he's stingy with his family he won't give us any money but he's liberal with everyone else.