TLP S00-E4: Don't Lose Your Influence! | how to earn your kid's respect

Truth.Love.Parent.

Subscribe

Download

Share

00

00:00

I believe that really admonishment is a more powerful form of influence than perhaps edification or encouragement or teaching or even correcting or rebuking, because this is the easiest one to lose.

00:15

Welcome to Truth. Love. Parents. Where we use God's Word to become intentional, premeditated parents.

00:24

Here's your host, A .M. Brewster. You've made it to episode four, and I'm glad you did because we're going to discuss a hugely important factor in a healthy relationship between parent and child.

00:36

You may not have considered the importance of our topic today. I know I didn't truly appreciate it until I moved to the

00:43

Northwoods of Wisconsin and started working at Victory Academy for Boys. You see, we work with teens in crisis, and every family that sends their boy to our school has one vital element in common.

00:54

In each situation, dad and mom have lost something without which it's impossible to parent.

01:00

They lost their influence. In every situation, mom and dad no longer had the ability to influence their son.

01:07

It's at this place where most parents start looking for help. They've may have spoken to pastors or friends before this, but when they reach the point where nothing they say or do has any effect, their next move is to Google someone, anyone who can influence their son.

01:22

The ability to influence our children is rarely appreciated until it's lost. And when it's lost, it's very hard to recapture.

01:30

I'd like to take a future episode to consider how to win back your influence. And if that's a topic you would be interested in, please email us at ambruster at evermindministries .com.

01:42

But today I want to dedicate this episode to the parents who've not lost their influence. Today's episode is called

01:48

Don't Lose Your Influence, and we're going to look to God's word to see what influence is and how to maintain and invest in this invaluable parenting commodity.

01:57

So let's start with a definition. Mary Wempster defines influence as the power to change or affect someone or something.

02:06

The power to cause changes without directly forcing them to happen. In our role as parents, we influence our children all of the time in every way.

02:15

We influence their internal attributes like personality. We influence their external attributes like the way they dress.

02:22

And of course, because we believe God's word, we realize that all lasting change comes only through the power of God and his word.

02:29

So whether we have the ability to influence them or not, any positive spiritual change has to come through God's power.

02:38

Now the Bible doesn't use the English word often, the English word influence. In fact, the

02:43

King James doesn't use it at all. The NASB does use it two times, and the ESV uses it three times, and all in the book of 2

02:51

Corinthians. Let me give you an example, 2 Corinthians 10, 15b through 16 says,

02:56

Our hope is that as your faith increases, our area of influence among you may be greatly enlarged so that we may preach the gospel in the lands beyond you without boasting of work already done in another's area of influence.

03:09

Of course, there's also a negative example of the word in 2 Thessalonians 2, 11 from the NASB. It says,

03:15

For this reason God will send upon them a deluding influence so that they will believe what is false.

03:21

As Merriam -Webster's definition of influence is the type of relationship that we'd like to have with our children, but as the

03:28

Bible doesn't utilize the English word influence, we need to delve into the original language a little bit if we're going to be able to find the best corresponding word to study.

03:37

So, of all the biblical words that describe the influence we're to have on each other, I believe one of the most dynamic is the

03:43

Greek word, neuthateo. J. Adams loved this word so much that he coined the term,

03:49

Neuthetic Counseling, and he started NANC, the National Association of Neuthetic Counselors, which of course is now

03:55

ACBC, Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. I believe, just like he did, that this word is so powerful because it's really a vital facet of intentional,

04:07

Christ -honoring body life. Some common definitions and sort of translations you'll see of this word, neuthateo, is to put in mind, to warn.

04:17

The most common translation in our English language is admonish, and it's also used of instruction and warning coupled together.

04:25

Of course, there are other words that describe this concept of influence. There's edifying and encouragement, correcting, rebuking, and some of us are really good at these.

04:35

For example, a lot of us are very good at edifying and encouraging. See, this can be done at a comfortable distance, and on the other end, the commands to rebuke, correct, and admonish, those oftentimes aggravate our personal bubbles.

04:48

So that makes edification and encouragement a little bit easier. Most people enjoy our teaching in a sense that teachers impart truth.

04:58

However, admonishment pricks at our pride because God's truth shows us that we're wrong.

05:04

It warns us and it calls us to change. So I believe that really admonishment is a more powerful form of influence than perhaps edification or encouragement or teaching or even correcting or rebuking, because this is the easiest one to lose.

05:21

Admonishment is eternally necessary in our families, but we oftentimes don't do it because we don't like doing it, or we don't do it the right way, or we've lost the ability to.

05:30

There's also a different dynamic of admonishment that makes it a little bit difficult, and that's the fact that it has a prerequisite.

05:37

I can correct, I can rebuke or edify or encourage just about anybody. But 2

05:42

Thessalonians 3 .15 says, This is a very hard truth, but something that we need to understand at the get -go, that you cannot admonish an unbeliever.

05:57

To biblically admonish somebody is to warn them of what's coming if they continue in the direction that they're going, but also simultaneously teach them about how to stop going in that direction.

06:08

And I believe that admonishment plays a part in evangelism, but if that person is to heed your warning, then they are going to accept

06:16

Christ as their Savior. They're going to believe God's truth and move forward in His power, and so therefore would no longer be an unbeliever, but genuinely born -again

06:24

Christian. So again, we need to establish the fact that you cannot admonish an unbeliever because it'll be ineffective.

06:31

Only a Christian, through the power of the Holy Spirit, has the ability to heed the warning that you're giving, and there are a heartbreaking number of parents who assume their children are saved.

06:42

They've been trying to admonish a spiritually dead person and failing. That type of parenting, that type of body life is hopeless.

06:51

I knew a young man who had always struggled knowing whether or not he was saved, and he came to me one day and he said, you know,

06:57

I finally, I've done it, I accepted Christ as my Savior, I'm so excited, and I was happy for him, and I asked him if he had told his parents, and he said, yeah, but when

07:06

I told my dad, he said, oh, you were already saved, you got saved when you were younger, you just got assurance of your salvation.

07:15

And that saddened me, because there was no fruit in this young man's life to prove that he had ever accepted

07:23

Christ as his Savior. In fact, and I regret to say this, but even after that conversation that he and I had, after he graduated from our

07:31

Christian school, he became one of the most vocal atheists that I know.

07:38

He never had accepted Christ as his Savior. He hadn't done it as a child, he hadn't done it as a teen, he had put his faith in something, but it wasn't the

07:46

God of the Bible. And yet, his dad, his dad was functioning off of the standpoint that his son truly was born again, had been born again for quite some time, and so therefore had tried to do much admonishment in his son's life, but to no avail, because his son did not have any spiritual life.

08:05

Now, by all means, bring up your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, but if they rebuff that nurture and repeatedly ignore

08:12

Christ -honoring admonition, you should refocus your efforts on evangelism, because sometimes we lose our ability to influence because we're trying to get a dead body to walk.

08:22

So if you want to maintain this influence in the life of your children, first of all, realize that true biblical admonishment can only be done within the context of a brother and sister relationship in Christ.

08:36

Now, there's also a very important foundation of admonishment. First Corinthians 4 .14 says,

08:43

I do not write these things to shame you, but to admonish you as my beloved children.

08:49

See, you cannot admonish someone you don't love. If I'm angry or annoyed, whatever

08:58

I'm saying is likely not admonishment. It may sound like admonishment, it may sound like teaching coupled with warning, but it's impossible to admonish when my goal is to get you to stop doing something for my sake.

09:10

Think about it this way. The child is sinning because worshipping themselves seems far more fun than worshipping

09:16

God. If they aren't interested in worshipping God, what makes you think they want to worship you?

09:23

So often we feel these things and occasionally they'll even slip off our lips. I can't believe you said that in front of the pastor.

09:28

He probably thinks I don't know how to parent. You really need to get to work on time because I have to pick up the slack when you're not there.

09:35

So whether it's to a child or to somebody that we work with, we warn them and we quote unquote admonish them, but for selfish reasons, this is not admonishment.

09:46

Remember, the verse said, I admonish you as my beloved children to love somebody is to have their best interest in mind, not mine.

09:56

See, sometimes we lose our ability to influence because of our own selfish idolatry. Therefore, if we want to maintain that, we have to make certain that, and when

10:05

I go to my child, I'm going to them for their best interest, not to get them to do something for me.

10:13

Now, as we move forward, I want to look at what admonishment is not. It's so easy to get biblical admonishment confused with many other things that we hear coming out of the lips of parents.

10:25

And so let's establish first and foremost what it's not. Number one, admonishment is not threatening.

10:32

First Thessalonians 5 .14 says, we urge you brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the faint hearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

10:44

Now, think through that verse. It's a little bit of a list here. Let's break it down. Admonish the unruly. This person who is not following the rules needs to be warned.

10:54

I also need to encourage the faint hearted, help the weak. But look at that last part.

11:02

It goes back and it's like an umbrella that covers the first three categories I just discussed. Be patient with everyone.

11:10

You see, a threat, again, is unloving. It says, stop this or else, and it's normally given in a tone of angst or annoyance because I really want you to stop it.

11:22

It's actually a bona fide version of terrorism. But admonishment is delivered in the care and consideration of the person, patiently admonishing them, even in their rebelliousness, not personally offended by what they did, but concerned for them and their relationship with God.

11:40

The second thing that we see about admonishment is that it's not designed to shame.

11:46

Remember 1 Corinthians 4 .14, I do not write these things to shame you, but to admonish you.

11:53

You see, I can't have the goal of my admonishment be to tear you down and to make you feel bad about yourself.

12:02

Now, biblical conviction and guilt is always appropriate, but it's not my desire as I admonish to cause that shame in you.

12:12

Now, shame is appropriate. 2 Thessalonians 3 .14 -15 says, if anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of that person, do not associate with him so that he will be put to shame.

12:25

It is a shameful thing to disobey our God, and sometimes the consequences of our sin will bring about shame.

12:33

But the verse goes on and says, yet do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.

12:39

There is going to be shame associated with the fact that my brother in Christ is no longer fellowshipping with me because of my sinful and unrepentant lifestyle, and yet that brother is still going to come to me and he is going to lovingly admonish me to help bring me back to a place where we can have that fellowship, that unity in Christ, and that admonishment does not bring shame.

13:03

So remember, certain consequences may cause shame, but admonition is delivered to prevent those consequences.

13:09

The third thing that admonishment is not is nagging. For Samuel 2 verses 18 and following, just a very sad story.

13:19

Eli has grown sons who are ministering to the nation of Israel as priests, and they're doing wicked things.

13:25

They're taking the fat off of the offerings that don't belong to them. They are laying with the women who serve at the doorway of the tent of meeting.

13:33

And Eli has heard about this, and he is going to confront his sons. And so he goes to them, and in verse 23, he says, "...why

13:40

do you do such things, the evil things that I hear from all these people? No, my sons, for the report is not good which

13:47

I hear of the Lord's people circulating. If one man sins against another, God will mediate for him.

13:52

But if a man sins against the Lord, who can intercede for him?" And then we're told they would not listen to the voice of their father, for the

13:59

Lord desired to put them to death. And at first, what Eli said to his sons can sound pretty good.

14:05

I mean, it's not too bad. He seemed to have covered most of the main points. But did he really admonish?

14:11

What exactly did he accomplish? There's this great older word that I don't think it's used too often nowadays, and it's called remonstration.

14:20

To remonstrate is to disagree and argue or complain about something. And when we do this repeatedly, it becomes what we call nagging.

14:29

And when we look at what Eli did, I think it's easy to see that what he said to his sons really almost falls more into the category of nagging than it does true admonishment.

14:40

The content of his speech to his sons is, what you're doing is not good. And then he goes on to say, if one man sins against another,

14:48

God will mediate for him. But if a man sins against the Lord, who can intercede for him? And that's valuable, basically stating the fact that sinning against God is worse than sinning against man.

14:57

But that's all we have recorded. For Eli to have admonished his sons, it likely would have looked a little bit more like this.

15:07

He would have shown his sons that they must turn from their sin against an almighty God and obey his word.

15:13

He would have had to have warned them to stop because of the consequences that God will bring on them for their sin, which he did in part.

15:20

But then also teach them how to function as priests the right way, the biblical concept of putting off, renewing, and putting on.

15:26

And I might be being too difficult on Eli. We don't know what was part of all of his teaching and all of his admonishment to his sons.

15:35

And who knows, he could have been an amazing parent who his sons just completely rejected him and rejected

15:40

God and did whatever they wanted to do. But this one snippet we have of Eli's parenting is all we have to go on.

15:46

And though it included the important elements of, hey, what you're doing is wrong, and you're sinning against God, and that's even worse than sinning against men, all of that's true.

15:54

It lacked the part where we teach and warn at the same time. So how do we stop nagging?

16:03

How do we stop remonstrating? Really we need to use God's word to instruct the listener to do the right thing in the right way for the right reason.

16:13

If I'm nagging my children, I'm telling them, stop it, cut it out. How many times have I told you to stop it? If I have to tell you one more time, then what we're really doing is just threatening them.

16:23

And because we're threatening them over and over and over again, we've basically started nagging them with our threats.

16:29

But if I start to sit down and teach them the right thing to do in the right way for the right reason, basically it's not for me, but it's for my child and his relationship with God, then

16:39

I stop that nagging and I start to actually participate in admonishment. Now let's remember about what our whole goal here is.

16:48

We're talking about the influence that you have in the life of your children. You have the opportunity right here, right now to affect huge change in their lives by the power of God.

16:57

But if we do it the wrong way by threatening or shaming or nagging, which none of those things are ever done for the benefit of the person being talked to, then we are threatening to lose our influence in the lives of our children.

17:11

So let's change gears now and see what biblical admonishment is, what this form of influence can really do.

17:19

So in order to come up with a good working definition of this word admonishment and how it flushes itself out in our relationship with our children,

17:26

I've taken a number of verses, three in particular, and I've taken the elements of admonishment stated in that verse and I've put it together into one definition.

17:35

So here's the definition, and then we will look at the verses that I brought this from. The goal of admonishment is to assist in sanctifying believers by wisely teaching the

17:45

Word of God by the power of the Spirit. The first part of this definition, sanctifying believers by wisely teaching, comes from Colossians 128.

17:55

We proclaim Him admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ.

18:04

This verse tells us why we admonish. We admonish every person and we teach them with wisdom so that we may present them complete in Christ.

18:14

This is very similar to the injunction to husbands that they love their wives as Christ loved the church. Jesus is sanctifying

18:21

His church by the washing of water by the Word in order to present her blameless. Now, the difference here is that we cannot personally affect sanctification in the lives of our children, but we can provide the water of the

18:32

Word which God uses to wash them, which is what Paul's whole point was, admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom so that we may present every man complete in Christ.

18:43

The second part of the definition was wisely teaching with the Word of God, and that comes from Colossians 316.

18:50

Let the Word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

19:02

I believe the second part of that verse, the familiarity of it all, really kind of overshadows the first part.

19:07

We talk about teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in our hearts to the

19:13

Lord. And yet we miss the first part that says that we can't do that second part unless the

19:18

Word of Christ richly dwells within us. This means that if I'm going to teach, if I'm going to admonish, it must be biblically informed.

19:30

True influence, true spiritual influence in the life of your children will not happen if we are not founding it all on God's truth.

19:40

Which goes back to the first part. See, we're helping believers to be sanctified. We're helping our children who, Lord willing, have accepted

19:46

Christ as their Savior, to become more like their Savior. And we can only do that by wisely teaching

19:52

God's Word. And of course, like everything else in the Christian life, we need to do it by the power of the

19:58

Spirit. And that's the third part. Colossians 129 says, For this purpose I also labor, striving according to his power, which mightily works within me.

20:08

Yes, I know the word admonishment is not there, but really this has to do with everything that the believer does.

20:14

Regardless of whether we're worshiping or we're evangelizing or admonishing or edifying or rebuking, it needs to be done through the power of the

20:21

Holy Spirit, otherwise it will be fruitless. And that's what this influence in our children's lives needs to look like.

20:27

I need to be parenting them for one purpose, so that they can become more like their Savior. And I can only do that through the power of God's Word and through the power of his

20:36

Holy Spirit. Now, sure, I can teach my kid his numbers and I can help him tie his shoes and learn how to ride a bicycle and help him with his pre -algebra, and I can even encourage him as he rears his own children.

20:47

But when it comes to parenting that matters, that spiritual change that goes far beyond their personality, that goes far beyond what they dress like, when it comes to those things that we want to last for all eternity, that type of influence must be biblically informed.

21:05

Now, people may ignore your admonishment simply because they reject God's truth. And if that's the case, well, we know they need to be evangelized.

21:14

But if our children are genuinely born again, and they reject our admonition, it's likely because in one way or another, we're being unloving, unbiblical, actually, probably both, and therefore we are impotent to be used by God to influence another person.

21:32

Now, of course, that doesn't remove the other person's responsibility to accept truth. My dad and I had some rocky times when

21:40

I was in high school. I was not living the way I was supposed to, and oftentimes he wouldn't respond to my sin the way he was supposed to, and I would use his poor response as an excuse to basically ignore my problem and just throw attacks at him all the time.

21:54

And that's wrong no matter who you are. But again, as a parent, since it's really about me, since the only person in my parent -child relationship, the only person

22:02

I can change is myself, I need to first focus on me. And oftentimes I push away my child.

22:08

The Bible says I provoke them to wrath. And though that specific verse doesn't specify how we provoke them to wrath,

22:15

I believe some of the ways that we do it is by admonishing the wrong way, nagging them, or shaming them, or threatening them, because it's all about me and getting them to stop doing that thing that's bothering me.

22:30

And when I do that, I become impotent to really have true influence in my child's life.

22:36

Now, if you've realized that you've lost the ability to minister truth to the heart of your children, you've already lost your influence in their lives,

22:46

I would seriously encourage you to talk with one of your pastors. Losing influence is not something that we can just afford to miss or ignore.

22:55

Families are torn apart. Boys end up in my home at Victory Academy because mom and dad have lost influence.

23:02

So if you believe that you've come to this place with your children, please seek out help now. You can call us at Victory Academy.

23:09

You can reach out to us on our website, email us, whatever you want to do. However, if you haven't yet lost your influence, that's wonderful.

23:19

Great. Please work hard to keep that. And remember that threatening, shaming and nagging, they're so easy to do, but they're all dynamiting your relationship with your children.

23:32

Restoring your ability to influence if you've lost it includes what we've seen today. But there are also other vital steps that will need to be taken in the future, which is why

23:41

I'd like to dedicate a whole episode to regaining influence in the life of your child.

23:47

But today is for those of us who still have that influence, but who might be going down the wrong path.

23:52

Turn around before you get there. Don't lose your influence. If this episode has been a blessing, please share it with others.

24:00

I would also encourage you to subscribe on iTunes to receive future episodes. If you'd like help or encouragement, if you're concerned that you are in the process of losing that influence or have already lost it, you can contact us at counselor at evermindministries .com.

24:15

You can, of course, follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest by searching for Evermind Ministries.

24:21

Lastly, if you'd like to connect with me on Twitter, I'll see you at AM Brewster. Please have an amazing week influencing your family for God.

24:31

Truth. Love. Parents is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you become an intentional premeditated parent.

24:43

Join us next time as we search God's word for the truth your family needs today.