Christians Grieve Too

This is the dividing line broadcast. The Apostle Peter commanded all Christians to be ready to give a defense for the hope that is within us. Yet to give that answer with gentleness and reverence. Your host is dr. James white director of alpha and omega ministries and an elder at the Phoenix Reformed Baptist Church.

This is a live program and we invite your participation. If you'd like to talk with dr. White call now at 602 973 4602 in the metro Phoenix dialing area or toll-free Across the United States at 1 -866 -550 -3915.

That's eight six six five five zero thirty nine fifteen. And now with today's topic here is James white and good afternoon. Welcome to the dividing line this afternoon. My name is Rich Pierce sitting in for dr. White one more time while he is out in New York speaking at some churches out there and some other events that Chris Arnson is.

Has got him for for a period of three weeks and we expect to have him back here and In about ten more days and we'll certainly be welcoming him back and getting an update on what's been going on back there in the meantime.

We're substitute hosting here on the dividing line and I was unable to get a live broadcast put together. For today's show, but I have something in store for you here that I think is a little bit off the beaten path.

In fact this tape was done about three and a half years ago to my recollection, I believe it was about the middle of 1996 maybe 1997. I was trying to kind of place this when this was done, but This topic today is like I said a bit a bit off the beaten path for the dividing line.

It's not apologetic in nature. James a lot of people are aware has written a book called grieving our path back to peace and a lot of what this stems from is James's time in the two and a half years as a hospital chaplain here in Phoenix and his experience that went that he went through while he was there and I have to tell you that This is perhaps one of the most powerful messages I have ever heard James give and I will warn you up front.

Gather up your heartstrings and hold on tight because this message will touch you in a way that seldom messages do touch you and I have to tell you that I I Did the recording for this when when it was live and there was not a dry eye in the room? at the end of this message, so Hang on tight and gather up those heartstrings and listen as James gives the presentation Christians grieve to.

Grief, Death, and the Reality of Loss

Hopefully this evening we will provide you with a study that will be of great use to you In regards to the subject of grief. You do not have to be grieving To get something out of this study. You simply have to be a human being who loves other human beings because in the experience of life grief is a emotion and experience that all of us experience at one point or another and So hopefully we'll all be blessed by what we have to say this evening.

But before we begin let's ask the Lord to bless our time and word of prayer. Father we are thankful for the freedom to gather the ability to have such nice surroundings to open your word and consider These important things of what you say about life and death and Lord we'd ask that by your spirit.

You would help us to concentrate upon your word Lord. I would seek your assistance in opening your word and father. We pray that your will would be done this evening and in all things you would be glorified.

We pray in Christ's name Amen. The past two and a half years. I have served as a staff chaplain at Thunderbird Samaritan Hospital. Up until January of January 17th, just a little over a month ago and For so for those of you who knew me rather well before then you can probably imagine that that experience Would make a fairly hefty impression upon me.

The concept of being a chaplain of visiting people in their rooms. If you know me, well, you'd know that was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. I am NOT good at walking into situations where I don't know people and Just all of a sudden being there and just having conversations on so forth.

It is a whole lot easier for me to stand outside of the gates of the Mormon Temple and pass out tracts to people I don't know than it is to walk into a a a room where a person is dying of cancer or walk into a room where a mother has just lost a baby in Miscarriage or whatever else it might be.

It's a very difficult thing. One of the things that I initially learned the very first night. I was there was something called code calls code calls. I Didn't have any experience when I was hired. In fact, the very fact that I was hired was somewhat of a providential miracle in of itself but the people who hired me had attempted to explain to me what a code call was and They had done their best to try to mimic the sound that I would hear when a code was called.

But it's a sound that even to this day when I hear when I hear it in in Any other context I'm in a department store or something and there's a sound similar to that. My pulse just starts racing. There's a sound that you hear in the hospital and it's a code and what that means is somewhere in the hospital or coming into the hospital there is a person full cardiac arrest and You hear the the chimes and then there is an announcement of the location and my job was wherever I was whatever I was doing I dropped it and I got there and Basically, what would happen is if I if I came running into for example 3b Which was where we had the cancer patients or 3a where you had telemetry.

So you had a lot of heart patients there. As soon as the nurses saw me they were very happy. Because now they would pass the family off on me so they could concentrate on the patient. So my job was to comfort the family.

Get them into a place where they wouldn't be in the way of what the doctors who are trying to work on the patient and Then work as the liaison Between the nurses and the doctors and the family and try to get information back and forth and of course rather frequently I would be the one who would then Inform the family of the passing of their loved ones and this was a rather difficult thing to do the very first night I was there.

I was sitting there. I had just taken a break to eat a bag of cheese doodles and All of a sudden I hear heard this strange noise and all of a sudden it struck me. That's a code and it was up in 3a and the very first night I I had to work with a husband who had just walked out of the room of his wife.

Had walked down to get a candy bar and as he came back It was just like it's shown in TV. When they have a code it's just like you've seen it on emergency or whatever else. You've watched it all the nurses and doctors running all over the place all the equipment coming in.

It's the exact same thing but she didn't make it and the very first night I got to deal with that situation the man was not a believer and We'll talk a little bit more about some of the struggles that that brought up.

So you had the the ones that took place in rooms, but you also had codes took place for example in the ER that was the most commonplace the ER CCU were the main places where codes would take place and certain of them Stick in your mind there are many that that don't because You know, we would have a retire.

We'd have various retirement communities nearby and and unfortunately have very commonly. You'd have someone brought in, you know, 78 86 years of age. No family. No one there. Long history of heart attacks, etc, etc.

They're not able to revive them and eventually you sort of got used to Seeing how the nurses in the emergency room would react to these things. And at first it was very frightening. It was very very disturbing to be in the room and to Recognize that most of these people are talking about the Suns game.

They're talking about this that that are the other thing. You eventually learned that it was completely a defense mechanism it was something that they see so much death on it on. Every day that's a defense mechanism.

It's the only way that they can hold on to themselves and it's it's a for someone like myself who had not been around that Previous to this experience in my life. It was a strange thing. But some stick in your mind.

I remember a Sunday afternoon a 30 year old man was brought in. His wife and three young boys. I'd say about summer's age five six seven years of age came in. They had just bought their first home. He was mowing the lawn and and and fell over and Of course when you bring someone in that young that's strong as he was they worked for a long long time.

But they weren't able to bring him back. He died and again, the woman was an unbeliever and If you've seen some of the like in Islamic countries where the wailing over the loss of someone. If you've never been that situation where you're attempting to try to comfort this person to be with that person.

When they are informed that their their husband has just passed away. It's it's it's quite an experience but the the one that sticks most of my mind took place last summer and that was a Code for the emergency room ETA, you know five minutes some like that.

You go down to the ER and as soon as I walked into the ER I knew something was different because everybody was gathered around the radio room. If you remember emergency the Program back in the I'm dating myself, aren't I?

Was at the late 70s something along those lines Rampart, this is whatever there's a radio room the same type of thing and they're communicating with the paramedics in the ambulance and the first indication we have is a nine-month-old girl is being brought in and she's in full arrest and so Automatically, it puts a completely different.

It's just different. It's not a 78 year old. It's a nine month old. Nine month olds are not supposed to be brought in in full arrest, that's just there's something unnatural about this and What I would do is is we have sliding doors there with the sensor type things and I would stand right at the door and when the they would bring the person out and the gurney would be coming to the door I would carry a Legal type pad notebook type thing and I'd stick that thing out there to get the door open.

So they wouldn't have to wait for us. They could just come straight on through it. Just one of the things that I did. And I'll never forget this little girl. We event we found out very quickly. She wasn't nine months.

She was six months and Just a beautiful little girl and there's this big huge fireman up on the gurney and they're pushing and he's standing on the gurney. And he's this huge huge man, and he's doing this little you know this little CPR on her like this with the doing the the the thing over her face doing the air and Very quickly grandma and grandpa came in.

Mommy and daddy are at the lake I'm not sure exactly which lake it is and this is the very first time mommy and daddy have let grandma and grandpa take care of the baby and What happened was grandma put the baby down to sleep and Somehow the baby rolled off of the mattress and the mattress was right next to the wall and when she rolled off her head got trapped between the wall and the mattress with her face and the mattress and she couldn't breathe and I expected I Expected them to be working on her for ever.

I mean six months old, you know. But they could not get even the first bit of reaction and it was very quickly that they were in to inform the grandparents that she had passed away and I had to go in with the head nurse.

When the grandparents went in to see the baby and of course It's tough enough when parent when when children come in and it's parents and they hold the hands and so on and so forth but now it's the grandparents coming in for the grandchild and of course, they pick the child up and and The nurses are crying and the cops are crying.

I mean the place was crawling with people. I talked to some of the police later and as soon as they heard what it was. There were there were Glendale cops that were halfway across the city that did 90 miles an hour across the city to try to get there first because all I could think of their own kids and It was it was a very very very difficult night.

I can guarantee you that To experience that and you just don't those are things you don't forget. And we also had them in CCU we of course the critical care units where you expect to have a lot of them and in opposition to the young child.

The the best experience I had if you could call it that with death took place in CCU there was a very elderly 93 year old Mennonite man Who had had a pacemaker for quite some time I guess he'd had a pacemaker put him when he was in his late 60s he had lived another like 20 years or more on this pacemaker and He had come in and he his health was failing and he didn't have any immediate family.

But there was this woman who was taking care of him and the testimony that this man had in CCU was amazing. When people would come in and I don't know about the rest of you, but Before I started working at a hospital.

I hated shots. But I can guarantee you something if you want to get over your fear of shots work in the hospital. I am immune to everything. I've had more shots in the past and there there is no disease known to man that I haven't gotten an immunization for by now.

But I still would not enjoy Laying in a hospital bed and having people have to give me shots and draw blood and all the rest of stuff. And if I didn't feel well Kelly will tell you I probably wouldn't be a whole lot of fun as a patient in a hospital room in that situation.

And most of us I think could probably say the same thing. But this man when when the nurses would come in. And they'd give him a shot or they would draw blood or something like that when they got done.

He'd say thank you and He was never impatient and he talked with the nurses and when the doctor said, you know It just doesn't look good. The nurses would come in and and he would say I Why should I why should I fear death?

I've talked with the Lord for 93 years. Why should I go? Why should I fear visiting with him? Why should I fear being with him and the nurses were just like, you know. It was night and day and it just so happened.

I think it was it was of the Lord that I was on my rounds. I came in and the lady who was taking care of him was there and we were just staying there talking because it just so happened that she knew some people in the church that knew my mother and I knew them and all the rest of this stuff and as as we were staying there talking I looked at him I said something's happening and Right then he began to go and so when the nurses came in and I stood there with my arm around the woman as she held his hand as he flipped into eternity and that type of thing happened more than once but not quite in that context where there was a such a strong testimony to to the Lord's grace and in in death itself but of course beyond all of that as As some of you who know me well know how difficult this was on Sunday afternoons at 230 the staff chaplain had the responsibility of leading a law support group and Some of you who know what I used to do on Sunday afternoons regularly know how difficult that was for me to adjust to working Sunday afternoons at the hospital.

But there was probably nothing more difficult than sitting for an hour with a group of people from every background under the Sun Who were grieving who were going through loss? I? had no experience in anything like that and the single toughest thing I had to learn was how to Direct that group was how to give meaningful advice in regards to how to Handle loss and all of this within a primarily secular Context.

Samaritan is not a religious organization and even though they have chaplains there are limitations shall we say to the context in which you can be placed and so That law support group on Sunday afternoons was especially for the first year because the other chaplain was out looking for a new parish to be a minister in.

I had about 48 out of the first 52 Sundays all to myself and It becomes difficult after a while because you have to put so much of yourself into it. It's these experiences that prompt this study this evening.

I wished many times I had had the opportunity of Doing a loss support group in a in a totally Directly Christian environment because I think there's a lot of things that Could be said and I'll say a few of those things tonight.

But these experiences that I've that I've gone through that's what caused me to think, you know, I learned a lot. And as I look back, I realized that I Was not prepared for those experiences because these are some things that we don't talk about.

Christians generally Do as the world does and that is we are not open in speaking about death. Oh Yeah, we may sing when the role is called yonder. I'll be there, but it's not quite the same as really being open in discussing Death itself and Christians should be free to speak about death.

For example when we look in the scriptures in 1st Corinthians chapter 15 we read these words which we're all familiar with when the perishable has been clothed with the Imperishable and the mortal with immortality then the saying that is written will come true.

Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where o death is your victory where o death is your sting? The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the law but thanks be to God He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Christians have this promise that death has no victory and death has no sting to those who are in Christ Jesus and so we should be able to discuss death in a way that's a person who Still is under the sting of death under the victory of death over them.

Cannot and yet as I said It just doesn't seem that we are that open in discussing it and being prepared for it. The Lord Jesus Christ has experienced death. He has emerged triumphant from death. Death is but the transition into his presence for those who are his and yet Christians do not often speak of death and seem to fear it in the same way as Those who are lost.

And yet when you look through the scriptures the scriptures speak often about death. For example, it's Certainly not a passage that gets preached very often. But Ecclesiastes chapter 7 verses 2 through 4 say it is better to go to the house of mourning Than to go to the house of feasting.

For that is the end of all men and the living will lay it to his heart. Sorrow is better than laughter for by the sadness the countenance the heart is made better. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of the fools is in the house of mirth.

Now I don't think that that is to be understood to mean that we are to Walk around with sad faces all day long but I certainly think that There is something that should be understood that is contained in that passage and that is I think that we would enjoy.

For example, I'll use this I can guarantee you that the first thing was on my mind When that little child was brought into the ER Was what I was going to do when I got home that night and That night when I got home I was going to hug my little girl who's upstairs right now because I remembered when she was that big and Every time that I saw a child who was sick a child who had cancer or or in the other way around.

One of the things that came out of my being a chaplain was that within a few months of my starting that I Took the time to spend time with my father with my mother asking them questions about their parents and their parents parents and they're Getting to know each other and all the rest of those things and spend a lot more time with my dad because it was very firmly brought home to me that someday I won't have him and It isn't necessarily when he's 70 or 80 years old it could be this very night and I think that's what the writer of Ecclesiastes is pointing out.

Is that when we recognize the reality of that it changes our perspective? It doesn't mean that we have to be long-faced all the time, but I certainly I think gain more enjoyment out of Shooting hoops with my son in our little teeny tiny backyard.

Then I then I would have because I recognize the transience of life, and I recognize that Someday either he will be Mourning my loss or as tragically happens sometimes I may have to mourn his and hence I'm going to enjoy the time that I have and I think a an attitude that That does not recognize the reality of the shortness of life steals from us some of the greatest joys.

But this evening study is not about death itself though. We can hardly avoid the discussion of it. Death is a part of the human experience and that's why every one of you here this evening can benefit from what we're going to talk about tonight because No matter who you are unless you're the first one to pass away You will experience the loss of a loved one many of you already have Grandparents parents friends even children.

It depends on on who you've lost and how close that person was to you. But everyone will experience death in one way or another. Scriptures do not gloss over death they do not ignore it. They in no way lessen the harsh reality of death and the experience of the believer and the non-believer alike.

But this evening I wish to focus not so much upon death itself. But upon how Christians face death. There are many myths prevalent in the church about how Christians should react to death. I remember very plainly in fact Miles and Carol you'll probably remember the situation I Remember very plainly.

I don't remember what the year was. But a deacon at North Phoenix his wife was killed in a car accident after a Sunday morning service. You may recall the situation. And I remember even back then there was a Thought in my mind that the husband who had lost his wife.

It was there was almost the thought amongst some people that will look how brave he's being and look how strong he's being and I even remember thinking way back then. That man's being put under pressure he should not be put under right now.

It's a it is a myth that a Christian does not grieve. A Christian is going to grieve and in point of fact My experience and I have a lot of experience now in in in grief counseling and law support. Is that normally the darkest?

Most difficult time Will take place approximately and I'm going to talk about this later. But you cannot put absolute times on anything but normally about six months After the loss is When some of the most difficult times are encountered and in our society you just don't think that way in our society you You you get over lost in a couple of weeks and you're expected to be back on the job doing your thing.

I mean just get over it, you know life goes on you need to keep continue on all the rest of stuff. And that's not the way God has made us. But some people would say well Christians Christians aren't agreed.

Christians have the the promise of the resurrection and and Christians aren't agreed. In fact doesn't the Bible say the following in 1st Thessalonians chapter 4 verses 13 through 18 quote and If you've ever been to a funeral and boy, I've not only been to them I've done my share of them of late, but if you ever been to a funeral you've heard this.

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep or to grieve like the rest of men who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again. And so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

According to the Lord's own word We tell you that we who are still alive Who are left till the coming of the Lord will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep for the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a loud command of the voice of the archangel with a trumpet call of God and The dead in Christ will rise first after that we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in The air and so we will be with the Lord forever.

Therefore encourage each other with these words and. So there seems to be some and maybe it's not Emphasized and taught this way, but it seems that that especially sometimes Christians will get into their mind.

Well if I am to really demonstrate my spirituality if I am to be strong in the face of this. Then I need to somehow not grieve. I need to somehow not express The emotions that I'm experiencing and in point of fact if I do experience these emotions, maybe something's wrong with me.

Maybe there's something that isn't right with me as a Christian. But please notice something. Paul does not say that Christians are not to grieve. Listen to that verse again. This is verse 13 of chapter 4 brothers.

We do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep or to grieve like the rest of men who have no hope. Paul is not saying that you are not to grieve. Paul is saying that you're not to grieve like the rest of men.

Why who have no hope. Christians grieve. But Christian grief is marked by one important vital word Hope. Hope we are not to grieve as the rest of men who have no hope. Indeed Paul spoke of experiencing grief for example in Philippians 227.

Indeed speaking of the Paphras he was ill and almost died. But God had mercy on him and not on him only but also on me to spare me sorrow upon sorrow. Paul knew that he would experience deep sorrow at the loss of his friend.

But God spared him at that time from that experience. Paul knew that there was no promise of a life free of sorrow and mourning. But the key to the Christian is one word and it's hope and that is the one thing that I emphasized over and over and over again in the lost support group and That was to those individuals and I more than once had individuals who had lost all hope.

Who were absolutely stuck in a cycle of grief they could never get out of. They had no desire to look at the future. The future is nothing but blackness and darkness to them. They could not make any plans of the future.

They had no hope. And the main thing that I emphasized over and over again is the necessity of having hope. For example Romans chapter 15 13 made the God of hope. Fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15 for for whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction that by steadfastness and by the encouragement the scriptures We might have hope. Ephesians 2 12 remember that you are that you were at that time separated from Christ.

Alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise having no hope and without God in the world. Notice that from Paul's perspective those who are outside of Christ do not have hope.

Those who are in Christ Have hope. And what is the embodiment of hope Titus 2 13? We are awaiting our blessed hope. And what is it the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior? Jesus Christ.

Second Thessalonians 2 16 now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace. Comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word.

This concept of hope is Central to Paul's message and to Peter's as well. First Peter 1 3 blessed be the God and Father our Lord Jesus Christ by his Great mercy we have been born anew to a living hope.

Through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. Christians are people marked by the hope that is theirs. And I believe that hope is the key to working through the experience of grief. What about the experience of grief?

Well, I firmly believe that God made us to grieve. Anyone who can love will grieve the loss of a loved one. Anyone old enough To love another human being will grieve at the loss of that human being. I do not believe that that is an abnormality.

It's not something that is wrong. It is the way that we are made. The scriptures plainly show that grief is a common experience of Saint and sinner alike. For example Genesis 23 2 and Sarah died and Abraham came to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her.

Abraham was a great man of faith. You would think that well He's he's taken Isaac up upon the mountain. He's he's walked with God and he's talked with God and he's had the promises of God. And yet when Sarah died.

What did Abraham do? Did he put on a stoic face? No. He cried he mourned for his beloved Sarah. We all know Ecclesiastes 3 there is a time to weep and a time to laugh a time to mourn and a time to dance.

There will be times of mourning in our life. The psalmist said I am troubled. I am bowed down greatly. I go mourning all the day long. Here's the psalmist a man used by God to pen inspired scripture and yet God in his grace has revealed to us that.

Even this person who who is used by God in that way in this particular instance. Records for us the deepness of his mourning of his difficulty that he was going through and of course the people of God and Lamentations the joy of our heart has ceased our dance has turned into mourning the crown has fallen from our head.

Woe unto us that we have sinned frequently our own sin brings us into a state where we mourn in this case. Of course, it was mourning because the judgment of God that had come upon them. Christian and non-christian like experienced grief now, there are many commonalities Between the Christian and non-christian experience of grief because we're human beings.

What are some of them? Well, first of all, and if you're taking some notes, there will be Nine of these number one grief takes time. Grief takes time. It's a process is a process that takes time. It cannot be artificially shortened.

I Was born to the person who has been lost. To the various complications that can take place. I had some people in the lost support group. They've lost like five people in one year. They're all close to them.

You want complex grief that's complex grief. They had never finished grieving the last person they lost the next one and then they lost the next one that takes time to work through and Given the relationship given the end of that individual given that person's personality.

Let's say that for person X it's going to take this long. To work through their grief that does not mean that when you get to the end. You are no longer a bereaved person. Once you're a brave person. You're always a brave person.

You're a person who's experienced death. You're a person who's experienced the loss of a loved one that always changes who you are. You never stop being a brave person. 20 years down the road on the anniversary of the loss of your mother or your father you may shed a tear and that's perfectly Fine nothing all that at all.

That's the way we are once you've lost someone you're a brief person. But you're gonna have to grieve at least that long until the point where you feel that you have you can now Live your life in its fullness again without that constant feeling that constant reminder of that loss.

Some people though by the behaviors they engage in and we'll talk about some of them. They can stretch it out to here. But if for you it's going to be this long. You can't make it that long. Won't happen.

It cannot be done. That's just the way that you're made. That's what's going to happen. It takes time. Frequently well over a year until a person really feels that they have worked through their grief and accepted the loss and they're now able to Experience the full range of emotions yet.

Once again, it's not the first thing on their mind the morning. The last thing on their mind they go to bed so on and so forth. It takes time. Grief is also individual. You cannot sit there and pick up a book and go.

Ah. Well Kubler-Ross says these are the stages I'm going to go through and so I must be in the denial stage now or now I'm in the shock stage or I'm in the anger stage. Now. There are definitely identifiable stages.

But for each individual person they last for different periods of time. They go in different orders. And a lot of it's not it's it's it's not something you can look at somebody else and say well My brother grieved in this way when he lost his wife.

And so I just lost mine and hence I'm gonna grieve the same way. No, you're a different person your relationship was different. It's going to be an individual thing. No two relationships are identical, but it does follow a pattern.

Not a not a pattern you can necessarily chart out, but there is a pattern that we see because we're human beings and for example, I think that Depending on the individual for the first week sometimes up to a month we experience shock.