Submission: What Role Does a Wife Have in the Decision-Making Process?

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Welcome to Bible Bashed, where we aim to equip the saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions you're not allowed to

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Listen and enjoy this installment of Iron Sharpening Iron, as Pastor Tim answers your sincere

questions.

Here's Pastor Tim.

In this episode of Bible Bashed,.

We will be answering a variety of questions related to a wife's role in the decision -making process.

Now because we live in a society right now that's plagued by many passive males, one of the things to realize is

that on the ground in most husband -wife relationships today, there's very little to no tangible

direction that is being given from a husband to his family at all.

If that husband sees himself as a leader in any way, perhaps that leadership will show up in

big moments in terms of being the tie -breaking vote in big decisions.

But on the ground, for the most part, one of the things that's happening is that most men today, most young men

today in particular, are the kind of men who basically are asking their wives functionally to make every

decision that there is to be made within the home.

And then functionally, when men do this, it is a source of stress for their wives,

and it really doesn't reflect good leadership.

Now, when you think about the way that leadership actually works in most areas of life, one of the things to

realize is that in order to be a leader, you do need to take initiative.

You do need to have some sort of plan for your family or for whatever organization that you're in charge

of, and so you can imagine the situation of a coach of a team who is in some sort of

position of authority over the team.

One of the things that you can imagine if you played any sports is that when you go to practice, the coach has a certain plan that

he has in his mind that he's trying to execute.

And that plan is the kind of plan that he's developed or come up with, but it's not the kind of plan that's up for

discussion essentially at every point.

When you go to practice, the coach is going to have a plan that he puts forward,

and you're expected to follow that plan.

And that plan is not just the kind of plan that's subject to majority rule at every single point.

Now, a question we might ask along those lines is the question, well, what role does the wife have in the

formation of that kind of plan or in the decision -making process in general?

And one of the things that we mentioned in our last podcast is that if a husband is actually leading,

a husband should have a specific kind of plan he has for his family as it relates to

what goes on in the home, as it relates to how individuals are going to spend their

time, as it relates to day -to -day kind of decisions, the order of operations,

those sorts of things.

A husband should be informed in these things.

He should have a plan in these things.

And when he comes home, he should be trying to carry out some sort of plan that he has in mind about how the day is

going to be spent and how the time is going to be spent.

He should have some sort of direction that he's providing, some sort of oversight that he's providing.

He shouldn't be the kind of guy who's just, you know, sitting on the couch and basically letting all

the decisions and the plan fall on the shoulders of the woman.

He should have some sort of direction that he's providing.

He should be leading in some kind of way that's more than just essentially abdicating

that leadership to everyone else.

Now, one of the things to realize is that there are two types of scenarios that people can

find themselves in.

So, in a past generation, there was the type of male, essentially, who took leadership a bit more

seriously.

And he was the kind of man who essentially didn't like being told what to do by a woman.

And so, you know, a man in that kind of framework in a past society would basically just

conceive of his job as essentially involving bossing everyone around, telling everyone what to do, and

then expecting little to no pushback or opposition to that whatsoever.

And, in fact, be pretty hostile to any kind of input from his wife as it relates

to the carrying out of that plan that he had in mind, good plan or bad plan, whatever.

So, you can imagine the kind of man in this kind of scenario who basically berates his wife forever,

inserting her opinion in the decision -making process at any point.

You can imagine the kind of situation where the couple was driving down the road, and the man missed

the exit 30 minutes ago.

But the wife is keeping her mouth shut with a slight smirk on her face, waiting for her husband to figure out that

they've missed the exit 30 minutes ago, because she wouldn't dare to

tell him that he has done something wrong, or give her opinion or her helpful opinion, because

it's been so unwelcome in the marriage, and so rejected in the marriage, and everything else.

And there is a stupid kind of male who is essentially closed off to any

helpful or valuable information that a wife might actually provide in a way that is being an extra set of

eyes on the ground as far as that's concerned.

And so, there is a kind of male who exists in that kind of way, and I think that that kind

of male was more predominant in a past kind of society as far as that goes.

And so, one of the things that we've realized as a society is that that's kind of a bad

arrangement.

And so, we've overreacted to that, and we've almost gone the exact opposite

way to where there's no brakes on what the standard young

wife is going to feel like is appropriate to give her opinion on every single

kind of scenario that can come up.

And so, one of the things you want to realize is that there's two extremes as it relates to this kind of

situation.

So, there's the extreme on the one hand where the stubborn and stupid male

doesn't want any input whatsoever, even the input that might be helpful.

But then there's the other extreme on the other end where the stubborn unsubmissive wife

essentially is defying every act of leadership that the husband is actually given, even

in silly trivial things.

So, just to give you examples of things that I've heard about, you know, a husband wants to bring his kids out to the car

15 minutes before it's time to leave, and then, you know, a young

wife at that point wants to have a 15 -minute discussion about whether or not

that is helpful to bring the kids out to the car 15 minutes before and just make them sit in the car

in order to is that, you know, helpful or is that appropriate?

And then basically, if a husband wants to stand his ground in that kind of situation and say, I just I'm

trying to get the kids out to the car.

I'm trying to get the kids out to the car.

This maybe is not the kind of time to discuss it.

Then, you know, that kind of situation turns into you don't love me.

You don't cherish me.

You don't value me.

You don't want my opinion, you know, that kind of thing and then it just snowballs into a big argument to

where that isn't really the kind of situation where the wife's input is needed.

And I gave other examples that I've heard that are very common, you know, basically, you know, a husband picking a

parking space at a store and, you know, a wife basically

continuing to ask him over and over again.

Well, don't you want to park closer and wouldn't it be better to park in a different way and everything else and like having those

discussions on the ground is entirely a woman in that kind of situation who is doing that

sort of thing where every act of leadership that a husband makes is being

challenged at every single point, you know, honey.

Hey everyone, let's all go to the park.

I've decided we're going to go to the park and then you're having a big like in -depth discussion about whether or not

it's helpful to go to the park because it was a little bit wet today and everything else and then you're gonna have to, you

know, everyone's gonna get messy and baths and I mean there's a kind of just

there's an overreaction to the first kind of scenario where essentially a wife will functionally be challenging

every act of leadership that a husband actually makes to the point where

she Functionally is showing that she's hostile to the idea of leadership.

And so there has to be some sort of So what I was what I was trying to say in the last podcast is

that you know A wife should conceive of herself as being a follow in a follower role.

Not the leader role and so one of the things she wants to do is come alongside the husband when he's leading

and it actually Encourage him in his leading and not turn every single one of these like minor day -to -day

Silly little decisions into a big Discussion that is freight is

you know? fraught with all the emotional baggage that comes with Wanting to be included in this

decision -making process.

I mean it I would say in 95 of those sorts of scenarios there really you

don't have to have a discussion about where you park.

You really don't have to have a discussion about How many minutes before it's time to go?

It's an appropriate to get the kids out to the car that kind of stuff.

You like these are just these aren't moral issues and they're not even really wisdom issues.

I mean, it's I mean as far as that goes, they're largely just preference issues.

Now, you know if the husband Forgot that you were having company over that

night.

He comes home wants to take the kids to the park I think it you know, only a stubborn and pig

-headed male Would be totally offended and closed off to his wife saying oh, honey Did you remember

that we had people over today and that would be something that would be perfectly fine and it would be

Reasonable and you know a lot of men have difficulty maintaining Keeping track of all the things

that the obligations that are planned and that may be some really valuable information.

And it might be the kind of thing where the husband says yes, I do remember that and I'm only wanting to go over there for a few

minutes and We'll have plenty of time and no problem.

But then if it turns into this hour -long debate and discussion and everything else then like something something wrong is happening.

And so all I was trying to argue at that point is just to say that there are two extremes.

There's the kind of extreme where the husband wants no input and then there's the kind of extreme on the other end.

We're essentially.

The.

Husband his leadership is being Challenged in every single way

Almost every time it manifests itself and so just adopting a basic, you know

wife should adopt a basic posture that says I'm a follower and Really try to ask

Questions as it relates to those kind of dynamics essentially saying, you know Am I being helpful

here or I can my being helpful to help him be a better leader or am I being? Disruptive and I'm

basically trying to enforce my plan upon him and demand that he follows my plan upon

threat of me being upset and Not being valued and not being

appreciated and everything else.

And so I think in it's very natural for a husband to just

Have a plan that he comes up with and and I would think that it would be wise for him to to

Carry out that kind of leadership plan.

So, you know after dinner we're gonna Have Bible study and we're gonna do all that and you

know If those things aren't always communicated in the moment I think a sign of a healthy marriage is a wife is going to

go with those kind of things.

And if there's like some, you know massive detail that really needs to be considered that's important.

Then obviously she needs to communicate that but then her primary role her primary role is that of a

follower and she should be Encouraging her husband when he's exercising leadership because she doesn't want the passive

male as far as that goes now what I said along those lines though is that that a good husband is going

to Have some sort of Avenue where all the day -to -day minor decisions like

that are on the table.

So there should be some kind of you know weekly.

Hey, let's discuss the routine.

Let's discuss how things are going.

Are there any What you know, what are your observations about how I'm leading?

What are some things you think I could do better?

Are there things that are frustrating are there things that are disruptive to?

You.

To you and performing your role and I mean I think a good kind of husband is going to be regularly having

those kind of conversation those kind of Discussions and so what I have in mind.

Then what I think would be helpful to have on the ground is that there's this posture that's primarily a follower

posture.

But then there are times where they're everything's on the table and you can refine it and then you go back to executing a plan

again and You know you you discuss well, how did the plan go and and that would be how you would do any?

Like that would be how the basketball coach kind of analogy would work.

You have a coach and you have an assistant coach.

And if every single time like the coach is calling a play the assistant coach is wanting to have a discussion

all the players are gonna look at the Coach and then look at the assistant coach and

they're gonna be really confused as to what's happening.

They're gonna wonder what's going on here.

Who's the coach here?

What what's happening?

And then everyone's just gonna be standing there staring at the coaches basically have a discussion and I just think that that's totally an

undesirable State of affairs and not only is it undesirable?

It just it feels like very destructive to the exercise of authority if that kind of thing is going on

now if the the coach says to the assistant coach, let's have a you know a weekly

coach meeting and Then the like a good leader a good coach is gonna look at the assistant coach

and say hey What do you think we can do better?

How do you think practices can go smoother?

What do you think about our current routine all that kind of stuff is on the table?

And it should be able to be discussed right now, but a lot of that kind of stuff.

It just doesn't really need to be Discussed in the moment as far as that goes now there might

be you know some big thing that the coach forgot.

That they can assistant coach can remind them of and you know unless if that I mean

Unless that coat like the main coach is so proud that he could never bear to have his you know.

Is to have anyone point out that he could have possibly forgot something that should be a normal.

Like that could should be a like a natural thing to point out that isn't fraught with all the emotional baggage

on the other end.

But that shouldn't be every decision that's being made like there should just be a healthy dynamic where the

assistant coach is Trusting the main coach to run the play then everyone is following the

play and then you discuss it later.

You don't have to discuss it in the moment as far as that goes so so as far as that's concerned.

That I think though we understand how these things work in other areas and we need to apply it to a marriage and we need to

and the problem is That males have abdicated any kind of actual leadership within the whole home at all and so

whenever they try to start Leading then like what's happening?

Is that leadership at this point living in more of a matriarchal society is totally being challenged on the

ground?

In a pretty comprehensive way and that's that's a problem now.

Now one of the things that I mentioned in the course of our podcast is that the vast majority of males they conceive of leadership As

involving basically going up to the wife and asking hey, you know, where do you?

You're gonna eat out tonight.

Where do you want to eat out?

And then You know, what do you want to watch tonight?

Is there anything that you want to do as far as recreational activities and then you know a comment could be made.

So I conceive of that as a bad situation.

I conceive of that as basically just an abdication of leadership.

But what I'm not trying to argue as far as that's concerned is I'm not trying to say that.

Oh, you know a husband basically should be micromanaging everything that happens in the house, including all the recreational

choices.

Including all the food choices and and including all the entertainment choices.

And so something that I did in the early part of my marriage is I

would come up to my wife and you know, we decided hey, let's Let's eat out tonight.

And then that was the kind of thing.

We're gonna eat out and then you know I would come up to her and I say hey, honey, you know.

Where do you want to eat?

And I generally wanted to serve her and I generally wanted to be Someone who's preferring her own interest and

not looking to my own interest, but the interests of others.

And so I'd ask her that kind of question.

But then the problem is that she didn't know typically where she wanted to do and

she Could get flustered when I would ask her where we want to eat and it could be the kind of thing where I'm asking.

Well, what do you want to eat and I'm asking her to make a decision and she doesn't know and then you know We're having conflicts and we're

having fights.

About me trying to prefer her because you know the longer and longer this indecisiveness happens the

hungrier I'm getting and then.

Then one of the things that would happen along those lines and this is a common dynamic that happens in many Relationships as

I've talked to people is that you know husband couldn't look at his wife and say hey you want to eat here.

You know at this place and she's like no no, not really and then he'll look at her and I'll say well Where do you want to eat?

And then she'll say oh, I don't know and he's like, okay.

Well, what about this restaurant?

Do you want to eat here?

No, I don't want to eat there.

It's like, okay.

Well, do you have any ideas?

No.

And so and then you can just get in all sorts of fights and conflicts and part of what I'm trying to say with that kind of thing is

what's happening is in those kind of situations is that a Man isn't

really providing much leadership or much direction and then in you know The wife is

struggling to come up with something that she wants to do as far as that goes.

And then and so what you end up having is you have kind of a strange situation that's happened as it relates to

these Entertainment choices, but if that's your habit in general every time there's anything to do all

you're doing is saying hey, honey What do you want to do?

Well functionally in your marriage what's actually happening is that your wife is making all the decisions and women can actually get very

stressed out.

Having to make all the decisions even even when those decisions benefit them or that they get to have

their way all the time.

That can be pretty stressful for women and I've I mean I that's pretty much the standard thing that

I see happening on the ground.

Where men are basically men and women are having conflict over silly areas like that.

And part of it is because the woman is basically put in this decision.

We're in this situation where she's the one always making all these choices.

And I mean so just you know on a practical level something that I've done as it relates to that is just I'll come to My

wife and say and I mean, I know our budget.

I know what we can afford.

I know.

You know, we've just like this this night will be eat -out night.

We've already decided that's what's gonna happen and everything else I'll come to her and say alright, so here's three choices

which one do you want and You want this one this one or this one?

And that's the way it goes.

And so then she'll pick between that and then basically I'm exercising leadership.

She's exercising, you know Followship or something like that.

And so I mean I I'm just What I'm trying to say is I'm not trying to Say that there's some sort of hard and

fast rule that a husband should never ask her wife what she wants.

And I mean it may be the kind of thing where there's plenty of situations where a husband comes up to his wife and say Hey, is there anything you've been craving this week

or anything that you'd really enjoy?

No, not really and then he comes up with three scenarios or something along those lines.

Okay, so I'm not trying to insert some sort of hard and fast rule and I'm not trying to advocate for some sort of arrangement.

We're essentially the husband basically just does everything he wants to do all the time and calls it leadership

all I'm trying to say is that.

There.

If that's your standard posture across the board, what do you want to do with our free time?

What do you want to do with our entertainment?

What do you want to do with our food choices?

One of the things that can happen is that that there are Spiritual things that should be inserted into

the schedule.

Like there are things that will help a marriage grow like a wife should have.

Our husband should have some sort of plan with this family that's going to involve.

Like.

Intentionally making decisions related to how this free time is spent.

And so a good husband isn't going to control every aspect of it in a military sense.

But a good husband is going to ask like the broader questions.

Are we being fed as a family?

Are we pursuing the things the Lord wants us to pursue as a family and that's going to involve some intentionality.

That's going to involve some sort of specific plan that he has that he's going to try to carry out and it's not just going To

be a laissez -faire kind of leadership.

We're at every single point.

It's like honey.

What do you want to do now?

Certainly part of being a good leader is is trying to determine what kinds of things would be

delightful for your wife.

But that isn't the only consideration and that's the point.

It's not the only consideration that should be happening you know good leadership is not just figuring out whatever your

wife wants.

Good leadership is going to involve figuring out what God wants for the family and then Secondarily, what would

be you know, the wisest for your family and and and that's going to include doing things That would be delightful

to your wife.

And and you have to have some mechanism to figure out how to do that without it.

Just basically being everything revolves around the central goal of making your wife happy and

giving your wife.

Whatever she wants if that's the goal, then you're not really living to the glory of God at that point living

to The happiness of your wife.

Those two things are not the same.

So.

So yes, a husband should be wanting to pursue activities that his wife finds

enjoyable.

But here's the thing.

I mean like and here's how this could be corrupted and this is the kind of thing that I'm talking about.

Let's say that the only thing that a wife wants to do is spend her time watching.

You know binge watching television shows is a husband being a good husband by

basically just spending all of his time.

Trying to love his wife by binge watching her favorite shows.

Well, the problem with that is going to be that you know that that really isn't going to bring them closer together.

And you know what?

She really isn't even probably going to consider that quality time.

Because they're just sitting in front of a screen, you know pursuing her recreational interest a husband

needs.

Like to have much more of a specific plan than that, you know, certainly.

Like.

Sacrificially loving your wife and looking to her interest is part of that.

But you can't just devote your life to be revolving entirely around your wife's interest

because the more you do that the more worthless you're going to feel and less Sanctified you're actually going to be and

so there is some sort of place for that.

But it's not it shouldn't be just the overriding goal of life.

Now a follow -up question related to that is, you know, if a husband is going to be intentionally on the ground

providing tangible direction and part of what we were saying in the last podcast is a husband is going to be the type of

Husband who does have expectations and has plans for his wife that he is communicating.

How does that involve?

How does that relate to the wife having some sort of freedom to set her day -to -day schedule, you know?

Should the husband be the one with some sort of nailed -down schedule he has in mind.

That he's going to rigidly enforce in on his wife in his absence.

Or you know, is there freedom that a wife can have as far as that goes in that area, you know.

How does that all look and I would say that there really isn't any simple answer to that kind of scenario.

So.

Like there are.

Yeah, there there are individual their husbands and wives who have different kinds of gifts.

No, certainly.

A woman is going to.

A wise woman is going to be the one who builds her house.

She's going to be a worker at home.

She's going to be domestic.

She's.

She.

It's going to be a hard worker as far as that goes.

I think that No husband.

I mean no one in any kind of authority relationship Likes to be micromanaged

and so no one like no one likes that men don't like being micromanaged by their bosses women Don't like being

micromanaged by their bosses.

We all have we all have a category for Micromanagement, but then there's also a category

for under management as well.

And so there's there's both kind of categories that exist.

And so if an owner basically has no expectation for his employees in his corporation

It might be that that corporation isn't run in a very efficient way.

So, you know, there's.

If there's no oversight if there's no direction if it's all just do whatever you want well, part of the problem is that that

freedom can be abused in a pretty substantial way and And that's just the way things

work.

I mean two two of the Most like two of the

professions that are most prone to depression are those of pastor and those

of Homemaker and the reason why that's the case is because Generally in both of those kind of

frameworks.

There's very little accountability as it relates to the carrying out of the day -to -day job.

So.

One of the things to realize is that a husband going to work is Typically going to have a much greater

degree of accountability than a wife who is doing her job at home with no one Functionally

watching as far as that's concerned.

Then so one of the things you don't want to fall into the ditch of micromanagement and at the same time you don't want to fall in

the ditch of Just under management where it's just laissez -faire where it's just everything goes.

And so, you know, I think you know in terms of wisdom how

that would look is that you know that that husband and wife

are going to have many conversations and the husband and wife are going to talk about the kinds of things that

the direction that they want for the home the activities that they that they're expecting to happen the kind of you know,

Correct.

If they're doing homeschool the kind of curriculum that they're going to be teaching.

There's going to be a lot of discussions along those lines and I would say that the less efficient that I

mean the less efficient that that a Woman is in her

job Like the more that a husband is going to feel of necessity like he has to have

more conversations and more discussions about everything else and so if your husband and

your wife is Refusing to homeschool your children or something like that and you've decided to homeschool

and she's not doing it Then yes, you're gonna have to have discussions about hey, what is a

schedule look like?

You know, what when are we going to when are you going to do this?

When is this going to be fit in how is it going to relate to nap schedule?

What times do these things need to happen and those are normal natural conversations to have and I would say that

You know just being proactive.

Those are the kind of Discussions you might have on the front end I mean, it's not just like well let the wife do whatever she wants unless she

does a bad job.

And then I guess you'll have to step in I mean generally speaking if she's not doing a very good job You're going to have to step in

but then just coming up with some sort of overall strategy talking it through I mean, I think in that in a

normal natural marriage a normal kind of situation.

You're gonna be asking your wife Hey, what does your schedule look like on a regular basis?

All right.

Now the kids are getting homeschool age.

You know, how are we going to accomplish this?

What do you have any thoughts about what this is going to look like?

And I do think you know having some sort of oversight some sort of direction.

I mean that shouldn't just be like Viewed as some sort of Monstrous

intrusion into her affairs and at the same time, you know, the the lot the wife is going to have a much

greater kind of a Lot more information on

the ground about what's actually happening and so a wise husband trying to interact with that is Going to

listen to the kind of things that she's saying and they're gonna have a lot of helpful productive Conversations

along those lines.

But then part of the problem is that anytime a husband tries to step in at all It's just viewed as just

an attack and assault typically.

And.

You know basically calling the wife incompetent and everything else and and I mean I think you know across the board in all those kind Of areas

that the husband has delegated to the wife.

You know the heart of like if the excellent wife the heart of our husband will trust in him.

But then the less, you know Well managed this actually is like the more conversations you actually are gonna have to have

though and that's just a practical reality.

You know if your wife is going grocery shopping and spending, you know $300 on groceries each week

and you only have enough money for 150.

You're gonna have to talk through what are we gonna do?

What's the plan?

You know if if basically you both get married and both of you gain a hundred pounds in the first year.

You might have some What you're gonna eat but have some conversations along those

lines and so yes, I do think you know a Husband should be delegating a lot of that to his wife.

He shouldn't be over managing her but then if we have no category whatsoever for any Discussions

along those lines.

There's a significant problem.

There's a you might you want to have preemptive discussions on that.

Hey, let's talk about a plan.

And you know, I don't think that that needs to be overly specific.

But let's just talk about some objectives and then how is how is it going?

How's the plan being carried out?

What are some ways we think we can appear of this plan?

What are some things that we think we can do better?

What are some things that we're missing that we're not taking care of in the course of a typical day, you know?

It just as an example if you know, the Bible reading is always being forgotten.

It's like well Maybe we need to put Bible reading first.

Maybe that needs to bring you the first thing that we do and those are just natural normal Discussions and so I don't I don't think a

husband is just going to you know.

Yeah, the first thing he does is just in leading a home is just going to say here's your

Schedule, honey that has all the activities that I expect you to perform on a 15 -minute interval

every day I think that would be a little over -the -top.

At the same time, you know some kind of you do need to have some intentionality and some kind of you

know How are we going to govern our affairs and the more you know complicated things get the more conversations you're gonna have and you're gonna talk

About how things are going and that's just the way it works and that shouldn't be offensive and everything else and so I I wouldn't want to

Advocate across the board that that that a wife has no Voice

in the decision -making process and I'm not trying to say that at all and that the husband just comes up with some

you know Unrealistic rigid plan that he's gonna shove down everyone's throat.

To their detriment at the same time a husband should be a natural leader.

And he's it probably is that we're so far the other way that anytime a husband does try to be proactive.

It is going to be viewed as a tyrannical active authority but this you know a husband

should primarily in these kind of situations be looking to lead in such a way as Having the first

objective being to honor God and then the second objective being to bring, you know Happiness and

joy to his family and having himself be last and so, you know his plan should not involve

Fundamentally looking out for his own interests first as far as that goes.

But it's going to be a plan that does involve a lot of initiative and a lot of communication and a lot of conversations.

This has been another installment of iron sharpening iron as always.

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Now go boldly and obey the truth in the midst of a biblically illiterate world who will be perpetually

offended by your every move.