Submission: What Role Does a Wife Have in the Decision-Making Process?

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Tim answers your sincere questions Here's pastor Tim this episode of Bible bash

We will be answering a variety of questions related to a wife's role in the decision -making process Now because we live in a society right now that's plagued by many passive males

One of the things to realize is that on the ground and most husband -wife relationships today There's very little to no tangible direction that is being given from a husband to his family at all

If that husband sees himself as a leader in any way Perhaps that leadership will show up and in big moments in terms of being the tie -breaking vote in big decisions

But on the ground for the most part one of the things that's happening is that most men today

Most young men today in particular are the kind of men who basically are asking their wives Functionally to make every decision that there is to be made within the home

And then functionally when men do this it is a source of stress for their wives

And it really doesn't reflect good leadership Now when you think about the way that leadership actually works in most areas of life

One of the things to realize is that in order to be a leader you do need to take initiative You do need to have some sort of plan for your family or for whatever organization that you're in charge of And so you can imagine the situation of a coach of a team who is in some sort of position of authority over the team

One of the things that you can imagine if you played any sports is that when you go to practice The coach has a certain plan that he has in his mind that he's trying to execute

And that plan is the kind of plan that he's developed or come up with But it's not the kind of plan that's up for discussion essentially at every point

When you go to practice the coach is going to have a plan that he puts forward

And you're expected to follow that plan And that plan is not just the kind of plan that's subject to majority rule at every single point

Now a question we might ask along those lines is the question Well what role does the wife have in the formation of that kind of plan or in the decision making process in general?

And one of the things that we mentioned in our last podcast is that if a husband is actually leading

A husband should have a specific kind of plan he has for his family as it relates to what goes on in the home

As it relates to how individuals are going to spend their time As it relates to day -to -day kind of decisions, the order of operations, those sorts of things

A husband should be informed in these things, he should have a plan in these things And when he comes home he should be trying to carry out some sort of plan that he has in mind

About how the day is going to be spent and how the time is going to be spent

He should have some sort of direction that he's providing, some sort of oversight that he's providing He shouldn't be the kind of guy who's just sitting on the couch

And basically letting all the decisions and the plan fall on the shoulders of the woman

He should have some sort of direction that he's providing He should be leading in some kind of way that's more than just essentially abdicating that leadership to everyone else

Now one of the things to realize is that there are two types of scenarios that people can find themselves in So in a past generation there was the type of male essentially who took leadership a bit more seriously

And he was the kind of man who essentially didn't like being told what to do by a woman

And so a man in that kind of framework in a past society would basically just conceive of his job

As essentially involving bossing everyone around, telling everyone what to do And then expecting little to no pushback or opposition to that whatsoever

And in fact be pretty hostile to any kind of input from his wife As it relates to the carrying out of that plan that he had in mind, good plan or bad plan, whatever

So you can imagine the kind of man in this kind of scenario who basically berates his wife forever

Inserting her opinion in the decision making process at any point You can imagine that kind of situation where the couple was driving down the road and the man missed the exit 30 minutes ago

But the wife is keeping her mouth shut with a slight smirk on her face Waiting for her husband to figure out that they missed the exit 30 minutes ago

Because she wouldn't dare to tell him that he has done something wrong

Or give her opinion or her helpful opinion because it's been so unwelcome in the marriage and so rejected

There is a stupid kind of male who is essentially closed off to any helpful or valuable information

That a wife might actually provide in a way that is being an extra set of eyes on the ground as far as that's concerned

And so there is a kind of male who exists in that kind of way

And I think that kind of male was more predominant in a past kind of society as far as that goes

And so one of the things that we've realized as a society is that that's kind of a bad arrangement

And so we've overreacted to that and we've almost gone the exact opposite way

To where there's no breaks on what the standard young wife is going to feel like is appropriate

To give her opinion on every single kind of scenario that can come up And so one of the things you want to realize is that there's two extremes as it relates to this kind of situation

So there's the extreme on the one hand where the stubborn and stupid male doesn't want any input whatsoever

Even the input that might be helpful But then there's the other extreme on the other end where the stubborn unsubmissive wife

Essentially is defying every act of leadership that the husband is actually given even in silly trivial things

So just to give you examples of things that I've heard about You know a husband wants to bring his kids out to the car 15 minutes before it's time to leave

And then you know a young wife at that point wants to have a 15 minute discussion about whether or not

That is helpful to bring the kids out to the car 15 minutes before and just make them sit in the car

In order to like that is that you know helpful or is that appropriate

And then basically if a husband wants to stand his ground in that kind of situation And say I just I'm trying to get the kids out to the car

I'm trying to get the kids out to the car this maybe it's not this kind of time to discuss it Then you know that kind of situation turns into you don't love me you don't cherish me you don't value me

You don't want my opinion you know that kind of thing And then it just snowballs into a big argument to where that isn't really the kind of situation where the wife's input is needed

And I gave other examples that I've heard that are very common You know basically you know a husband picking a parking space in at a store and you know a wife basically

Continuing to ask him over and over again well don't you want to park closer And wouldn't it be better to park in a different way and everything else

And like having those discussions on the ground is entirely a woman in that kind of situation

Who is doing that sort of thing where every act of leadership that a husband makes

Is being challenged at every single point you know honey hey everyone let's all go to the park

I've decided we're going to go to the park and then you're having a big like in -depth discussion about whether or not

It's helpful to go to the park because it was a little bit wet today and everything else And then you're going to have to you know everyone's going to get messy and baths

And I mean there's a kind of just there's an overreaction to the first kind of scenario

Where essentially a wife will functionally be challenging every act of leadership that a husband actually makes

To the point where she functionally is showing that she's hostile to the idea of leadership

And so there has to be some sort of so what I was what I was trying to say in the last podcast is that You know a wife should conceive of herself as being a follow in a follower role not the leader role

And so one of the things she wants to do is come alongside the husband when he's leading And then actually encourage him in his leading and not turn every single one of these like minor day -to -day

Silly little decisions into a big discussion that is freight is you know

Fraught with all the emotional baggage that comes with wanting to be included in this decision -making process

I mean it I would say in 95 percent of those sorts of scenarios

They're really you don't have to have a discussion about where you park you really don't have to have a discussion about How many minutes before it's time to go it's an appropriate to get the kids out to the car that kind of stuff

Like these are just these aren't moral issues and they're not even really wisdom issues

I mean it's I mean as far as that goes they're largely just preference issues Now you know if the husband forgot that you were having company over that night he comes home wants to take the kids to the park

I think it you know only a stubborn and pig -headed male would be totally offended and closed off to his wife saying

Oh, honey, did you remember that we had people over today? And that would be something that would be perfectly fine and it would be reasonable

And you know a lot of men have difficulty maintaining keeping track of all the things that the obligations that are planned

And that may be some really valuable information and it might be the kind of thing where the husband says yes

I do remember that and I'm only wanting to go over there for a few minutes and we'll have plenty of time and no problem

But then if it turns into this hour -long debate and discussion and everything else then like something something wrong is happening

And so all I was trying to argue at that point is just to say that there are two extremes

There's the kind of extreme where the husband wants no input and then there's the kind of extreme on the other end where essentially

The husband his leadership is being challenged in every single way almost every time it manifests itself

And so just adopting a basic you know wife should adopt a basic posture that says

I'm a follower And really try to ask questions as it relates to those kind of dynamics essentially saying you know

Am I being helpful here or am I being helpful to help him be a better leader or am

I being disruptive? And I'm basically trying to enforce my plan upon him and demand that he follows my plan upon threat of me being upset

And not being valued and not being appreciated and everything else And so I think it's very natural for a husband to just have a plan that he comes up with And I would think that it would be wise for him to carry out that kind of leadership plan

So you know after dinner we're gonna have Bible study and we're gonna do all that And you know if those things aren't always communicated in the moment

Like I think a sign of a healthy marriage is a wife is gonna go with those kind of things And if there's like some you know massive detail that really needs to be considered that's important Then obviously she needs to communicate that but then her primary role is that of a follower

And she should be like encouraging her husband when he's exercising leadership Because she doesn't want the passive male as far as that goes

Now what I said along those lines though is that a good husband is going to have some sort of avenue

Where all the day to day minor decisions like that are on the table So there should be some kind of you know weekly hey let's discuss the routine

Let's discuss how things are going What are your observations about how

I'm leading? What are some things you think I could do better? Are there things that are frustrating?

Are there things that are disruptive to you in performing your role?

And I mean I think a good kind of husband is going to be regularly having those kind of discussions

And so what I have in mind and what I think would be helpful to have on the ground Is that there's this posture that's primarily a follower posture

But then there are times where everything's on the table and you can refine it And then you go back to executing a plan again

And you know you discuss well how did the plan go? And that would be how you would do any Like that would be how the basketball coach kind of analogy would work

You have a coach and you have an assistant coach And if every single time like the coach is calling a play

The assistant coach is wanting to have a discussion All the players are going to look at the coach and then look at the assistant coach

And they're going to be really confused as to what's happening They're going to wonder what's going on here Who's the coach here?

What's happening? And then everyone's just going to be standing there staring at the coaches Basically have a discussion

And I just think that that's totally an undesirable state of affairs And not only is it undesirable

It just it feels like very destructive to the exercise of authority If that kind of thing is going on Now if the coach says to the assistant coach

Let's have a weekly coach meeting And then like a good leader, a good coach

Is going to look at the assistant coach and say Hey what do you think we can do better? How do you think practice can go smoother? What do you think about our current routine?

All that kind of stuff is on the table And it should be able to be discussed right now But a lot of that kind of stuff

It just doesn't really need to be discussed in the moment As far as that goes Now there might be some big thing that the coach forgot

That the assistant coach can remind them of And unless the main coach is so proud

That he could never bear to have anyone point out

That he could have possibly forgot something That should be a natural thing to point out

That isn't fraught with all the emotional baggage on the other end But that shouldn't be every decision that's being made

There should just be a healthy dynamic Where the assistant coach is trusting the main coach

To run the play Then everyone is following the play And then you discuss it later You don't have to discuss it in the moment

As far as that goes So as far as that's concerned We understand how these things work in other areas

And we need to apply it to a marriage And the problem is that males have abdicated Any kind of actual leadership within the home at all

And so whenever they try to start leading Then what's happening is that leadership at this point

Living in more of a matriarchal society Is totally being challenged on the ground In a pretty comprehensive way

And that's a problem Now one of the things that I mentioned in the course of our podcast

Is that the vast majority of males They conceive of leadership as involving Basically going up to their wife and asking

Hey, we're going to eat out tonight Where do you want to eat out? And then what do you want to watch tonight?

Is there anything that you want to do As far as recreational activities? And then a comment could be made

So I conceive of that as a bad situation I conceive of that as basically Just an abdication of leadership

But what I'm not trying to argue As far as that's concerned Is I'm not trying to say that A husband basically should be micromanaging

Everything that happens in the house Including all the recreational choices Including all the food choices

And including all the entertainment choices And so something that I did

In the early part of my marriage Is I would come up to my wife And we decided Hey, let's eat out tonight

And that was the kind of thing We were going to eat out And then I would come up to her And say, hey honey, where do you want to eat?

And I generally wanted to serve her And I generally wanted to be Someone who's preferring her own interest

And not looking to my own interest But the interest of others And so I'd ask her that kind of question But then the problem is that she didn't know

Typically where she wanted to do And she could get flustered

When I would ask her where we want to eat And it could be the kind of thing Where I'm asking her Well, where do you want to eat? And I'm asking her to make a decision

And she doesn't know And then we're having conflicts And we're having fights About me trying to prefer her

Because the longer and longer This indecisiveness happens The hungrier

I'm getting And then one of the things That would happen along those lines

And this is a common dynamic That happens in many relationships As I've talked to people Is that a husband can look at his wife

And say, hey, you want to eat here? At this place? And she's like, no, no, not really And then he'll look at her

And he'll say, well, where do you want to eat? And then she'll say, oh, I don't know And he's like, okay, well What about this restaurant?

Do you want to eat here? No, I don't want to eat there And it's like, okay, well Do you have any ideas? No And then you can just get in All sorts of fights and conflicts

And part of what I'm trying to say With that kind of thing Is what's happening In those kind of situations

Is that a man isn't really providing Much leadership or much direction

And then the wife is struggling To come up with something That she wants to do

As far as that goes And so what you end up having Is you have kind of a strange situation

That's happened As it relates to these Entertainment choices But if that's your habit in general

Every time there's anything to do All you're doing is saying Hey, honey, what do you want to do? Well, functionally in your marriage

What's actually happening Is that your wife is making All the decisions And women can actually get Very stressed out

Having to make all the decisions Even when those decisions benefit them Or they get to have their way

All the time That can be pretty stressful for women That's pretty much the standard thing

That I see happening on the ground Where men and women Are having conflict Over silly areas like that And part of it is because The woman is basically

Put in this situation Where she's the one Always making all these choices So just on a practical level

Something that I've done As it relates to that Is just I'll come to my wife And say I know our budget

I know what we can afford I know this night Will be eat out night

We've already decided That's what's going to happen And everything else I'll come to her And I'll say Alright, so here's three choices

Which one do you want? You want this one This one Or this one

And that's the way it goes And so then she'll pick Between that And then basically

I'm exercising leadership She's exercising Followship Or something like that And so I mean

I'm just What I'm trying to say Is I'm not trying to say That there's some sort of Hard and fast rule

That a husband Should never ask her wife What she wants And it may be

The kind of thing Where there's plenty of situations Where a husband Comes up to his wife And says Hey, is there anything You've been craving this week

Or anything that you'd really enjoy? No, not really And then he comes up With three scenarios Or something along those lines

And so I'm not trying To insert some sort of Hard and fast rule And I'm not trying to advocate

For some sort of arrangement Where essentially The husband basically Just does everything He wants to do

All the time And calls it leadership All I'm trying to say Is that There If that's your standard posture

Across the board What do you want to do With our free time? What do you want to do With our entertainment? What do you want to do

With our food choices? One of the things That can happen Is that There are spiritual things

That should be inserted Into the schedule Like there are things That will help a marriage grow

Like a wife should have Or a husband should have Some sort of plan With his family That's going to involve

You know Intentionally making decisions Related to how

This free time is spent And so a good husband Isn't going to control Every aspect of it

In a military sense But a good husband Is going to ask Like the broader questions Are we being fed as a family?

Are we pursuing the things The Lord wants us to pursue As a family? And that's going to involve Some intentionality That's going to involve

Some sort of specific plan That he has That he's going to try To carry out And it's not just going to be

A laissez -faire Kind of leadership Where at every single point It's like honey What do you want to do? Now certainly

Part of being a good leader Is trying to determine What kinds of things Would be delightful

For your wife But that isn't The only consideration And that's the point It's not the only consideration That should be happening

You know Good leadership Is not just figuring out Whatever your wife wants Good leadership Is going to involve

Figuring out what God wants For the family And then secondarily What would be You know

The wisest for your family And that's going to include Doing things That would be delightful

To your wife And you have to have Some mechanism To figure out How to do that Without it just basically being

Everything revolves around The central goal Of making your wife happy And giving your wife

Whatever she wants If that's the goal Then you're not really Living to the glory of God At that point

Living to the happiness Of your wife Those two things Are not the same So yes

A husband should be Delightful To pursue activities That his wife Finds enjoyable

But here's the thing I mean And here's how this Could be corrupted And this is The kind of thing That I'm talking about Let's say that The only thing

That a wife wants to do Is spend her time Watching You know Binge watching Television shows

Is a husband Being a good husband By basically just Spending all of his time

Trying to love his wife By binge watching Her favorite shows Well the problem with that Is going to be

That you know That really isn't Going to bring them Closer together And you know what

She really isn't Even probably going to Consider that quality time Because they're just Sitting in front of a screen

You know Pursuing her Recreational interest A husband needs To have much more

Of a specific plan Than that And now certainly Sacrificially loving

Your wife And looking to her Interest Is part of that But you can't just Devote your life

To be revolving Entirely on Your wife's interest Because the more you do that The more worthless

You're going to feel And less sanctified You're actually Going to be And so there is

Some sort of place For that But it's not It shouldn't be Just the overriding goal Of life Now a follow up Question related to that Is you know

If a husband Is going to be Intentionally on the ground Providing tangible direction And part of what

We were saying In the last podcast Is a husband Is going to be The type of husband Who does have Expectations And has

Plans for his wife That he is Communicating How does that involve How does that relate

To the wife Having some sort of Freedom to set Her day -to -day schedule You know Should the husband

Be the one With some sort of Nailed down schedule He has in mind That he's going to Rigidly enforce

On his wife In his absence Or you know Is there freedom That a wife can have As far as that goes

In that area You know How does that all look And I would say That there really isn't Any simple answer To that kind of Scenario So Like there are

There are individuals There are husbands And wives Who have different Kinds of gifts Certainly a woman

Is going to A wise woman Is going to be The one who Builds her house She's going to be A worker at home She's going to be

Domestic She's She Is going to be A hard worker As far as that goes

I think That No Husband I mean No one In any kind of Authority Relationship Likes to be

Micromanaged And so No one Like No one Likes that Men don't like Being micromanaged

By their bosses Women don't like Being micromanaged By their bosses We all have We all have

A category For micromanagement But then there's also A category For under management

As well And so There's There's Both Kind of Categories That exist And so If an owner

Basically has No expectation For his Employees In his Corporation It might be

That that Corporation Isn't run In a very Efficient way So You know There's If there's

No oversight If there's No direction If it's all Just do Whatever you want Well Part of the problem Is that That freedom

Can be abused In a pretty Substantial way And That's just the way

Things work I mean Two of the Most Like Two of the

Professions That are most Prone to Depression Are those of Pastor And those of Homemaker And the reason

Why that's the case Is because Generally In both Of those Kind of Frameworks There's very

Little accountability As it relates To the Carrying out Of the Day -to -day Job So One of the

Things to realize Is that A husband Going to Work Is typically Going to have A much Greater degree

Of accountability Than a wife Who is doing Her job At home With no One Functionally Watching As far

As that's Concerned And so One of the Things You don't Want to Fall into The ditch Of micromanagement

And at the Same time You don't Want to Fall into The ditch Of just Undermanagement Where it's

Just laissez -faire Where it's Just everything Goes And so You know I think

You know In terms Of wisdom How that Would look Is that You know

That That Husband And wife Are going To have Many conversations

And the Husband And wife Are going To talk About the Kinds of Things That the Direction That they

Want for The home The activities That they Are expecting To happen The kind Of You know If they're

Doing homeschool The kind Of curriculum That they're Going to be Teaching There's going

To be a Lot of Discussions Along those Lines And I Would say That the Less efficient That A woman

Is in Her job The more That a Husband Is going To feel Of necessity

Like he has To have More conversations And more Discussions About everything

Else And so If your Husband And your Wife Is refusing To homeschool

Your children Or something Like that And you've Decided to Homeschool And she's Not doing It Then yes

You're going To have To have Discussions About hey What does a Schedule look Like You know

When are You going To do This When is This going To be Fit in How is

It going To relate To nap Schedule What times Do these Things need To happen And those Are normal Natural Conversations To have

And I would Say that You know Just being Proactive Those are the Kind of Discussions You might

Have on the Front end I mean It's not Just like Well let The wife Do whatever She wants Unless she Does a Bad job And then I guess

You'll have To step In I Mean generally Speaking if She's not Doing a Very good Job you're Going to have To step In but Then just Coming up With some

Sort of Overall Strategy Talking it Through I Mean I Think in That in A normal Natural Marriage A normal Kind of Situation You're Going to Be asking

Your wife Hey what Does your

Wife Do What Does Do What Does Your What Does Your Wife Do What Wife What Does Your What Does Your Wife Do What Does Your Wife Do What One Thing I Finish A husband should be delegating a lot of that to his wife.

He shouldn't be over -managing her, but then if we have no category whatsoever for any discussions along those lines, there's a significant problem.

You want to have preemptive discussions on that. Hey, let's talk about a plan. I don't think that that needs to be overly specific, but let's just talk about some objectives, and then how is it going?

How is the plan being carried out? What are some ways we think we can improve this plan? What are some things that we think we can do better?

What are some things that we're missing, that we're not taking care of in the course of a typical day? Just as an example, if the

Bible reading is always being forgotten, it's like, well, maybe we need to put Bible reading first. Maybe that needs to be the first thing that we do.

Those are just natural, normal discussions. I don't think a husband is just going to ...

The first thing he does in leading a home is just going to say, here's your schedule, honey, that has all the activities that I expect you to perform on a 15 -minute interval every day.

I think that would be a little over the top. At the same time, you do need to have some intentionality and some kind of, how are we going to govern our affairs?

The more complicated things get, the more conversations you're going to have, and you're going to talk about how things are going, and that's just the way it works, and that shouldn't be offensive, and everything else.

I wouldn't want to advocate across the board that a wife has no voice in the decision -making process, and I'm not trying to say that at all, and that the husband just comes up with some unrealistic, rigid plan that he's going to shove down everyone's throat to their detriment.

At the same time, a husband should be a natural leader, and it probably is that we're so far the other way that any time a husband does try to be proactive, it is going to be viewed as a tyrannical act of authority.

But a husband should primarily, in these kind of situations, be looking to lead in such a way as having the first objective being to honor

God, and then the second objective being to bring happiness and joy to his family, and having himself be last.

And so his plan should not involve fundamentally looking out for his own interests first, as far as that goes.

But it is going to be a plan that does involve a lot of initiative, and a lot of communication, and a lot of conversations. This has been another installment of Iron Sharpening Iron.

As always, if you would like to have your question included in one of these midweek episodes, email us at biblebashedpodcast at gmail .com.

Don't forget to subscribe and follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Gab. Now, go boldly and obey the truth in the midst of a biblically illiterate world who will be perpetually offended by your every move.