Submission: What Role Does a Wife Have in the Decision-Making Process?

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Welcome to Bible bashed where we aim to equip the Saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions.

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You're not allowed to ask Listen and enjoy this installment of iron sharpening iron as pastor

01:38

Tim answers your sincere questions Here's pastor Tim this episode of Bible bash

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We will be answering a variety of questions related to a wife's role in the decision -making process Now because we live in a society right now that's plagued by many passive males

01:52

One of the things to realize is that on the ground and most husband -wife relationships today There's very little to no tangible direction that is being given from a husband to his family at all

02:05

If that husband sees himself as a leader in any way Perhaps that leadership will show up and in big moments in terms of being the tie -breaking vote in big decisions

02:16

But on the ground for the most part one of the things that's happening is that most men today

02:22

Most young men today in particular are the kind of men who basically are asking their wives Functionally to make every decision that there is to be made within the home

02:31

And then functionally when men do this it is a source of stress for their wives

02:37

And it really doesn't reflect good leadership Now when you think about the way that leadership actually works in most areas of life

02:45

One of the things to realize is that in order to be a leader you do need to take initiative You do need to have some sort of plan for your family or for whatever organization that you're in charge of And so you can imagine the situation of a coach of a team who is in some sort of position of authority over the team

03:04

One of the things that you can imagine if you played any sports is that when you go to practice The coach has a certain plan that he has in his mind that he's trying to execute

03:13

And that plan is the kind of plan that he's developed or come up with But it's not the kind of plan that's up for discussion essentially at every point

03:22

When you go to practice the coach is going to have a plan that he puts forward

03:28

And you're expected to follow that plan And that plan is not just the kind of plan that's subject to majority rule at every single point

03:35

Now a question we might ask along those lines is the question Well what role does the wife have in the formation of that kind of plan or in the decision making process in general?

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And one of the things that we mentioned in our last podcast is that if a husband is actually leading

03:53

A husband should have a specific kind of plan he has for his family as it relates to what goes on in the home

04:02

As it relates to how individuals are going to spend their time As it relates to day -to -day kind of decisions, the order of operations, those sorts of things

04:13

A husband should be informed in these things, he should have a plan in these things And when he comes home he should be trying to carry out some sort of plan that he has in mind

04:21

About how the day is going to be spent and how the time is going to be spent

04:26

He should have some sort of direction that he's providing, some sort of oversight that he's providing He shouldn't be the kind of guy who's just sitting on the couch

04:35

And basically letting all the decisions and the plan fall on the shoulders of the woman

04:41

He should have some sort of direction that he's providing He should be leading in some kind of way that's more than just essentially abdicating that leadership to everyone else

04:51

Now one of the things to realize is that there are two types of scenarios that people can find themselves in So in a past generation there was the type of male essentially who took leadership a bit more seriously

05:06

And he was the kind of man who essentially didn't like being told what to do by a woman

05:11

And so a man in that kind of framework in a past society would basically just conceive of his job

05:20

As essentially involving bossing everyone around, telling everyone what to do And then expecting little to no pushback or opposition to that whatsoever

05:29

And in fact be pretty hostile to any kind of input from his wife As it relates to the carrying out of that plan that he had in mind, good plan or bad plan, whatever

05:40

So you can imagine the kind of man in this kind of scenario who basically berates his wife forever

05:46

Inserting her opinion in the decision making process at any point You can imagine that kind of situation where the couple was driving down the road and the man missed the exit 30 minutes ago

05:58

But the wife is keeping her mouth shut with a slight smirk on her face Waiting for her husband to figure out that they missed the exit 30 minutes ago

06:07

Because she wouldn't dare to tell him that he has done something wrong

06:15

Or give her opinion or her helpful opinion because it's been so unwelcome in the marriage and so rejected

06:22

There is a stupid kind of male who is essentially closed off to any helpful or valuable information

06:29

That a wife might actually provide in a way that is being an extra set of eyes on the ground as far as that's concerned

06:38

And so there is a kind of male who exists in that kind of way

06:43

And I think that kind of male was more predominant in a past kind of society as far as that goes

06:50

And so one of the things that we've realized as a society is that that's kind of a bad arrangement

06:57

And so we've overreacted to that and we've almost gone the exact opposite way

07:03

To where there's no breaks on what the standard young wife is going to feel like is appropriate

07:12

To give her opinion on every single kind of scenario that can come up And so one of the things you want to realize is that there's two extremes as it relates to this kind of situation

07:23

So there's the extreme on the one hand where the stubborn and stupid male doesn't want any input whatsoever

07:32

Even the input that might be helpful But then there's the other extreme on the other end where the stubborn unsubmissive wife

07:40

Essentially is defying every act of leadership that the husband is actually given even in silly trivial things

07:49

So just to give you examples of things that I've heard about You know a husband wants to bring his kids out to the car 15 minutes before it's time to leave

07:59

And then you know a young wife at that point wants to have a 15 minute discussion about whether or not

08:08

That is helpful to bring the kids out to the car 15 minutes before and just make them sit in the car

08:14

In order to like that is that you know helpful or is that appropriate

08:20

And then basically if a husband wants to stand his ground in that kind of situation And say I just I'm trying to get the kids out to the car

08:28

I'm trying to get the kids out to the car this maybe it's not this kind of time to discuss it Then you know that kind of situation turns into you don't love me you don't cherish me you don't value me

08:40

You don't want my opinion you know that kind of thing And then it just snowballs into a big argument to where that isn't really the kind of situation where the wife's input is needed

08:52

And I gave other examples that I've heard that are very common You know basically you know a husband picking a parking space in at a store and you know a wife basically

09:04

Continuing to ask him over and over again well don't you want to park closer And wouldn't it be better to park in a different way and everything else

09:11

And like having those discussions on the ground is entirely a woman in that kind of situation

09:17

Who is doing that sort of thing where every act of leadership that a husband makes

09:22

Is being challenged at every single point you know honey hey everyone let's all go to the park

09:28

I've decided we're going to go to the park and then you're having a big like in -depth discussion about whether or not

09:35

It's helpful to go to the park because it was a little bit wet today and everything else And then you're going to have to you know everyone's going to get messy and baths

09:43

And I mean there's a kind of just there's an overreaction to the first kind of scenario

09:51

Where essentially a wife will functionally be challenging every act of leadership that a husband actually makes

09:59

To the point where she functionally is showing that she's hostile to the idea of leadership

10:04

And so there has to be some sort of so what I was what I was trying to say in the last podcast is that You know a wife should conceive of herself as being a follow in a follower role not the leader role

10:17

And so one of the things she wants to do is come alongside the husband when he's leading And then actually encourage him in his leading and not turn every single one of these like minor day -to -day

10:28

Silly little decisions into a big discussion that is freight is you know

10:36

Fraught with all the emotional baggage that comes with wanting to be included in this decision -making process

10:42

I mean it I would say in 95 percent of those sorts of scenarios

10:47

They're really you don't have to have a discussion about where you park you really don't have to have a discussion about How many minutes before it's time to go it's an appropriate to get the kids out to the car that kind of stuff

10:59

Like these are just these aren't moral issues and they're not even really wisdom issues

11:04

I mean it's I mean as far as that goes they're largely just preference issues Now you know if the husband forgot that you were having company over that night he comes home wants to take the kids to the park

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I think it you know only a stubborn and pig -headed male would be totally offended and closed off to his wife saying

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Oh, honey, did you remember that we had people over today? And that would be something that would be perfectly fine and it would be reasonable

11:33

And you know a lot of men have difficulty maintaining keeping track of all the things that the obligations that are planned

11:41

And that may be some really valuable information and it might be the kind of thing where the husband says yes

11:46

I do remember that and I'm only wanting to go over there for a few minutes and we'll have plenty of time and no problem

11:53

But then if it turns into this hour -long debate and discussion and everything else then like something something wrong is happening

12:00

And so all I was trying to argue at that point is just to say that there are two extremes

12:05

There's the kind of extreme where the husband wants no input and then there's the kind of extreme on the other end where essentially

12:12

The husband his leadership is being challenged in every single way almost every time it manifests itself

12:22

And so just adopting a basic you know wife should adopt a basic posture that says

12:28

I'm a follower And really try to ask questions as it relates to those kind of dynamics essentially saying you know

12:37

Am I being helpful here or am I being helpful to help him be a better leader or am

12:42

I being disruptive? And I'm basically trying to enforce my plan upon him and demand that he follows my plan upon threat of me being upset

12:52

And not being valued and not being appreciated and everything else And so I think it's very natural for a husband to just have a plan that he comes up with And I would think that it would be wise for him to carry out that kind of leadership plan

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So you know after dinner we're gonna have Bible study and we're gonna do all that And you know if those things aren't always communicated in the moment

13:23

Like I think a sign of a healthy marriage is a wife is gonna go with those kind of things And if there's like some you know massive detail that really needs to be considered that's important Then obviously she needs to communicate that but then her primary role is that of a follower

13:40

And she should be like encouraging her husband when he's exercising leadership Because she doesn't want the passive male as far as that goes

13:47

Now what I said along those lines though is that a good husband is going to have some sort of avenue

13:55

Where all the day to day minor decisions like that are on the table So there should be some kind of you know weekly hey let's discuss the routine

14:04

Let's discuss how things are going What are your observations about how

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I'm leading? What are some things you think I could do better? Are there things that are frustrating?

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Are there things that are disruptive to you in performing your role?

14:22

And I mean I think a good kind of husband is going to be regularly having those kind of discussions

14:30

And so what I have in mind and what I think would be helpful to have on the ground Is that there's this posture that's primarily a follower posture

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But then there are times where everything's on the table and you can refine it And then you go back to executing a plan again

14:45

And you know you discuss well how did the plan go? And that would be how you would do any Like that would be how the basketball coach kind of analogy would work

14:54

You have a coach and you have an assistant coach And if every single time like the coach is calling a play

14:59

The assistant coach is wanting to have a discussion All the players are going to look at the coach and then look at the assistant coach

15:08

And they're going to be really confused as to what's happening They're going to wonder what's going on here Who's the coach here?

15:14

What's happening? And then everyone's just going to be standing there staring at the coaches Basically have a discussion

15:20

And I just think that that's totally an undesirable state of affairs And not only is it undesirable

15:26

It just it feels like very destructive to the exercise of authority If that kind of thing is going on Now if the coach says to the assistant coach

15:36

Let's have a weekly coach meeting And then like a good leader, a good coach

15:44

Is going to look at the assistant coach and say Hey what do you think we can do better? How do you think practice can go smoother? What do you think about our current routine?

15:51

All that kind of stuff is on the table And it should be able to be discussed right now But a lot of that kind of stuff

15:57

It just doesn't really need to be discussed in the moment As far as that goes Now there might be some big thing that the coach forgot

16:06

That the assistant coach can remind them of And unless the main coach is so proud

16:15

That he could never bear to have anyone point out

16:21

That he could have possibly forgot something That should be a natural thing to point out

16:28

That isn't fraught with all the emotional baggage on the other end But that shouldn't be every decision that's being made

16:34

There should just be a healthy dynamic Where the assistant coach is trusting the main coach

16:41

To run the play Then everyone is following the play And then you discuss it later You don't have to discuss it in the moment

16:46

As far as that goes So as far as that's concerned We understand how these things work in other areas

16:55

And we need to apply it to a marriage And the problem is that males have abdicated Any kind of actual leadership within the home at all

17:04

And so whenever they try to start leading Then what's happening is that leadership at this point

17:09

Living in more of a matriarchal society Is totally being challenged on the ground In a pretty comprehensive way

17:16

And that's a problem Now one of the things that I mentioned in the course of our podcast

17:21

Is that the vast majority of males They conceive of leadership as involving Basically going up to their wife and asking

17:27

Hey, we're going to eat out tonight Where do you want to eat out? And then what do you want to watch tonight?

17:35

Is there anything that you want to do As far as recreational activities? And then a comment could be made

17:41

So I conceive of that as a bad situation I conceive of that as basically Just an abdication of leadership

17:48

But what I'm not trying to argue As far as that's concerned Is I'm not trying to say that A husband basically should be micromanaging

17:56

Everything that happens in the house Including all the recreational choices Including all the food choices

18:02

And including all the entertainment choices And so something that I did

18:08

In the early part of my marriage Is I would come up to my wife And we decided Hey, let's eat out tonight

18:15

And that was the kind of thing We were going to eat out And then I would come up to her And say, hey honey, where do you want to eat?

18:22

And I generally wanted to serve her And I generally wanted to be Someone who's preferring her own interest

18:28

And not looking to my own interest But the interest of others And so I'd ask her that kind of question But then the problem is that she didn't know

18:35

Typically where she wanted to do And she could get flustered

18:40

When I would ask her where we want to eat And it could be the kind of thing Where I'm asking her Well, where do you want to eat? And I'm asking her to make a decision

18:46

And she doesn't know And then we're having conflicts And we're having fights About me trying to prefer her

18:53

Because the longer and longer This indecisiveness happens The hungrier

18:58

I'm getting And then one of the things That would happen along those lines

19:03

And this is a common dynamic That happens in many relationships As I've talked to people Is that a husband can look at his wife

19:11

And say, hey, you want to eat here? At this place? And she's like, no, no, not really And then he'll look at her

19:16

And he'll say, well, where do you want to eat? And then she'll say, oh, I don't know And he's like, okay, well What about this restaurant?

19:22

Do you want to eat here? No, I don't want to eat there And it's like, okay, well Do you have any ideas? No And then you can just get in All sorts of fights and conflicts

19:30

And part of what I'm trying to say With that kind of thing Is what's happening In those kind of situations

19:36

Is that a man isn't really providing Much leadership or much direction

19:41

And then the wife is struggling To come up with something That she wants to do

19:47

As far as that goes And so what you end up having Is you have kind of a strange situation

19:53

That's happened As it relates to these Entertainment choices But if that's your habit in general

19:58

Every time there's anything to do All you're doing is saying Hey, honey, what do you want to do? Well, functionally in your marriage

20:04

What's actually happening Is that your wife is making All the decisions And women can actually get Very stressed out

20:10

Having to make all the decisions Even when those decisions benefit them Or they get to have their way

20:16

All the time That can be pretty stressful for women That's pretty much the standard thing

20:22

That I see happening on the ground Where men and women Are having conflict Over silly areas like that And part of it is because The woman is basically

20:31

Put in this situation Where she's the one Always making all these choices So just on a practical level

20:38

Something that I've done As it relates to that Is just I'll come to my wife And say I know our budget

20:43

I know what we can afford I know this night Will be eat out night

20:49

We've already decided That's what's going to happen And everything else I'll come to her And I'll say Alright, so here's three choices

20:56

Which one do you want? You want this one This one Or this one

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And that's the way it goes And so then she'll pick Between that And then basically

21:07

I'm exercising leadership She's exercising Followship Or something like that And so I mean

21:13

I'm just What I'm trying to say Is I'm not trying to say That there's some sort of Hard and fast rule

21:19

That a husband Should never ask her wife What she wants And it may be

21:24

The kind of thing Where there's plenty of situations Where a husband Comes up to his wife And says Hey, is there anything You've been craving this week

21:29

Or anything that you'd really enjoy? No, not really And then he comes up With three scenarios Or something along those lines

21:35

And so I'm not trying To insert some sort of Hard and fast rule And I'm not trying to advocate

21:41

For some sort of arrangement Where essentially The husband basically Just does everything He wants to do

21:46

All the time And calls it leadership All I'm trying to say Is that There If that's your standard posture

21:54

Across the board What do you want to do With our free time? What do you want to do With our entertainment? What do you want to do

22:00

With our food choices? One of the things That can happen Is that There are spiritual things

22:06

That should be inserted Into the schedule Like there are things That will help a marriage grow

22:11

Like a wife should have Or a husband should have Some sort of plan With his family That's going to involve

22:16

You know Intentionally making decisions Related to how

22:22

This free time is spent And so a good husband Isn't going to control Every aspect of it

22:28

In a military sense But a good husband Is going to ask Like the broader questions Are we being fed as a family?

22:34

Are we pursuing the things The Lord wants us to pursue As a family? And that's going to involve Some intentionality That's going to involve

22:41

Some sort of specific plan That he has That he's going to try To carry out And it's not just going to be

22:46

A laissez -faire Kind of leadership Where at every single point It's like honey What do you want to do? Now certainly

22:51

Part of being a good leader Is trying to determine What kinds of things Would be delightful

22:57

For your wife But that isn't The only consideration And that's the point It's not the only consideration That should be happening

23:04

You know Good leadership Is not just figuring out Whatever your wife wants Good leadership Is going to involve

23:09

Figuring out what God wants For the family And then secondarily What would be You know

23:14

The wisest for your family And that's going to include Doing things That would be delightful

23:19

To your wife And you have to have Some mechanism To figure out How to do that Without it just basically being

23:26

Everything revolves around The central goal Of making your wife happy And giving your wife

23:32

Whatever she wants If that's the goal Then you're not really Living to the glory of God At that point

23:37

Living to the happiness Of your wife Those two things Are not the same So yes

23:44

A husband should be Delightful To pursue activities That his wife Finds enjoyable

23:50

But here's the thing I mean And here's how this Could be corrupted And this is The kind of thing That I'm talking about Let's say that The only thing

23:57

That a wife wants to do Is spend her time Watching You know Binge watching Television shows

24:03

Is a husband Being a good husband By basically just Spending all of his time

24:08

Trying to love his wife By binge watching Her favorite shows Well the problem with that Is going to be

24:14

That you know That really isn't Going to bring them Closer together And you know what

24:19

She really isn't Even probably going to Consider that quality time Because they're just Sitting in front of a screen

24:25

You know Pursuing her Recreational interest A husband needs To have much more

24:31

Of a specific plan Than that And now certainly Sacrificially loving

24:38

Your wife And looking to her Interest Is part of that But you can't just Devote your life

24:43

To be revolving Entirely on Your wife's interest Because the more you do that The more worthless

24:49

You're going to feel And less sanctified You're actually Going to be And so there is

24:54

Some sort of place For that But it's not It shouldn't be Just the overriding goal Of life Now a follow up Question related to that Is you know

25:02

If a husband Is going to be Intentionally on the ground Providing tangible direction And part of what

25:08

We were saying In the last podcast Is a husband Is going to be The type of husband Who does have Expectations And has

25:14

Plans for his wife That he is Communicating How does that involve How does that relate

25:19

To the wife Having some sort of Freedom to set Her day -to -day schedule You know Should the husband

25:25

Be the one With some sort of Nailed down schedule He has in mind That he's going to Rigidly enforce

25:31

On his wife In his absence Or you know Is there freedom That a wife can have As far as that goes

25:37

In that area You know How does that all look And I would say That there really isn't Any simple answer To that kind of Scenario So Like there are

25:49

There are individuals There are husbands And wives Who have different Kinds of gifts Certainly a woman

25:56

Is going to A wise woman Is going to be The one who Builds her house She's going to be A worker at home She's going to be

26:01

Domestic She's She Is going to be A hard worker As far as that goes

26:07

I think That No Husband I mean No one In any kind of Authority Relationship Likes to be

26:15

Micromanaged And so No one Like No one Likes that Men don't like Being micromanaged

26:20

By their bosses Women don't like Being micromanaged By their bosses We all have We all have

26:26

A category For micromanagement But then there's also A category For under management

26:31

As well And so There's There's Both Kind of Categories That exist And so If an owner

26:37

Basically has No expectation For his Employees In his Corporation It might be

26:44

That that Corporation Isn't run In a very Efficient way So You know There's If there's

26:51

No oversight If there's No direction If it's all Just do Whatever you want Well Part of the problem Is that That freedom

26:57

Can be abused In a pretty Substantial way And That's just the way

27:02

Things work I mean Two of the Most Like Two of the

27:09

Professions That are most Prone to Depression Are those of Pastor And those of Homemaker And the reason

27:17

Why that's the case Is because Generally In both Of those Kind of Frameworks There's very

27:22

Little accountability As it relates To the Carrying out Of the Day -to -day Job So One of the

27:29

Things to realize Is that A husband Going to Work Is typically Going to have A much Greater degree

27:35

Of accountability Than a wife Who is doing Her job At home With no One Functionally Watching As far

27:42

As that's Concerned And so One of the Things You don't Want to Fall into The ditch Of micromanagement

27:47

And at the Same time You don't Want to Fall into The ditch Of just Undermanagement Where it's

27:53

Just laissez -faire Where it's Just everything Goes And so You know I think

27:58

You know In terms Of wisdom How that Would look Is that You know

28:04

That That Husband And wife Are going To have Many conversations

28:09

And the Husband And wife Are going To talk About the Kinds of Things That the Direction That they

28:14

Want for The home The activities That they Are expecting To happen The kind Of You know If they're

28:21

Doing homeschool The kind Of curriculum That they're Going to be Teaching There's going

28:26

To be a Lot of Discussions Along those Lines And I Would say That the Less efficient That A woman

28:37

Is in Her job The more That a Husband Is going To feel Of necessity

28:42

Like he has To have More conversations And more Discussions About everything

28:47

Else And so If your Husband And your Wife Is refusing To homeschool

28:52

Your children Or something Like that And you've Decided to Homeschool And she's Not doing It Then yes

28:58

You're going To have To have Discussions About hey What does a Schedule look Like You know

29:03

When are You going To do This When is This going To be Fit in How is

29:08

It going To relate To nap Schedule What times Do these Things need To happen And those Are normal Natural Conversations To have

29:14

And I would Say that You know Just being Proactive Those are the Kind of Discussions You might

29:21

Have on the Front end I mean It's not Just like Well let The wife Do whatever She wants Unless she Does a Bad job And then I guess

29:26

You'll have To step In I Mean generally Speaking if She's not Doing a Very good Job you're Going to have To step In but Then just Coming up With some

29:33

Sort of Overall Strategy Talking it Through I Mean I Think in That in A normal Natural Marriage A normal Kind of Situation You're Going to Be asking

29:40

Your wife Hey what Does your

30:02

Wife Do What Does Do What Does Your What Does Your Wife Do What Wife What Does Your What Does Your Wife Do What Does Your Wife Do What One Thing I Finish A husband should be delegating a lot of that to his wife.

31:26

He shouldn't be over -managing her, but then if we have no category whatsoever for any discussions along those lines, there's a significant problem.

31:35

You want to have preemptive discussions on that. Hey, let's talk about a plan. I don't think that that needs to be overly specific, but let's just talk about some objectives, and then how is it going?

31:46

How is the plan being carried out? What are some ways we think we can improve this plan? What are some things that we think we can do better?

31:52

What are some things that we're missing, that we're not taking care of in the course of a typical day? Just as an example, if the

32:00

Bible reading is always being forgotten, it's like, well, maybe we need to put Bible reading first. Maybe that needs to be the first thing that we do.

32:07

Those are just natural, normal discussions. I don't think a husband is just going to ...

32:12

The first thing he does in leading a home is just going to say, here's your schedule, honey, that has all the activities that I expect you to perform on a 15 -minute interval every day.

32:25

I think that would be a little over the top. At the same time, you do need to have some intentionality and some kind of, how are we going to govern our affairs?

32:36

The more complicated things get, the more conversations you're going to have, and you're going to talk about how things are going, and that's just the way it works, and that shouldn't be offensive, and everything else.

32:44

I wouldn't want to advocate across the board that a wife has no voice in the decision -making process, and I'm not trying to say that at all, and that the husband just comes up with some unrealistic, rigid plan that he's going to shove down everyone's throat to their detriment.

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At the same time, a husband should be a natural leader, and it probably is that we're so far the other way that any time a husband does try to be proactive, it is going to be viewed as a tyrannical act of authority.

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But a husband should primarily, in these kind of situations, be looking to lead in such a way as having the first objective being to honor

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God, and then the second objective being to bring happiness and joy to his family, and having himself be last.

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And so his plan should not involve fundamentally looking out for his own interests first, as far as that goes.

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But it is going to be a plan that does involve a lot of initiative, and a lot of communication, and a lot of conversations. This has been another installment of Iron Sharpening Iron.

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As always, if you would like to have your question included in one of these midweek episodes, email us at biblebashedpodcast at gmail .com.

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Don't forget to subscribe and follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Gab. Now, go boldly and obey the truth in the midst of a biblically illiterate world who will be perpetually offended by your every move.