Is It Possible To Emotionally Abuse Someone?

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January 22, 2024

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00:00: So all this is just like you have a bunch of people who have governed their lives on the basis of their feelings They don't have any category for emotional self -control.
00:07: They don't have any kind of category for managing their emotions for Disciplining their emotions.
00:12: They don't have any category for that. They don't even know what to do with that, right? These are foreign thoughts and in fact like what they've been taught
00:19: They've been taught for many years based on like the psychology, you know Quote -unquote behind it like they've been taught that if you try to suppress your emotions
00:28: You're doing violence to yourself Morning, the following message may be offensive to some audiences
00:36: These audiences may include but are not limited to professing Christians who never read their Bible Sissies sodomites men with man buns those who approve of men with man buns man bun enablers white nights for men with man buns
00:43: Homemakers who finished Netflix, but don't know how to meal plan and people who refer to their pets as fur babies your discretion is advised Heaven Welcome to Bible bash where we aim to equip the
02:04: Saints for the works of ministry by answering the questions You're not allowed to ask We're your host Harrison Kerrigan pastor
02:10: Tim mullet and today we'll answer the age -old question Is it possible to emotionally abuse someone now
02:17: Tim as we get this episode started off? What Bible verse do you have to read for us that's related to this topic of emotional abuse and whether it's real or not
02:27: Yeah, Galatians 522. So the Galatians 522 says but the fruit of the Spirit is love joy.
02:32: Peace patience kindness goodness Faithfulness generalist self -control Against such things there is no law and those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with his passions and its desires.
02:43: Okay Okay, the problem is Tim. There was no mention of you know, the fruit of the
02:49: Spirit that is not being an emotional abuser What so did you skip that one or what happened there?
02:58: Did you where the your pages stuck together right there? That's why you didn't read The problem with this term is obviously the problem that it's not really found in the
03:08: Bible anywhere So if you're expecting what you're telling me, it's not mentioned. There is no other fruits of the
03:14: Spirit. There is no emotional abuse Exception to the fruit of the Spirit. Okay, so there's none of that, but there's no emotional abuse language in Scripture at all
03:23: So that's the problem Like you what you have is you have this term That is being used in a pretty heavy -handed way
03:32: So, you know, I'm During my Twitter escapades recently. I was saying that emotional abuse doesn't exist
03:39: So I was saying that and I've had people like accuse me of basically all the psychological
03:45: Like bad labels like all the words possible. So, you know, like only an abuser would say something like that And then if you object to it you say no,
03:54: I don't abuse anyone then then then they say that you're a gaslighting them You know, and so then like basically you just like when you reject the devil's vocabulary, man
04:03: You get you get the devil's wrath. So but yeah, this is the word that's nowhere in the Bible So I don't have
04:08: Bible verse it's gonna mention it, but I do have Bible verses which refute the concept for sure Okay, so so if you know
04:17: If the Bible doesn't mention it then explain for us a little bit why you picked the passage that you picked
04:23: To read about in relation to this discussion we're having right now Maybe it'd be helpful just to explain what this concept is because a lot of people they're using it in Somewhat of a sloppy way basically, okay
04:35: But then like it is a it is a very well -defined concept and if you argue with people about it See, all you have to do is just go go online and just say something like, you know
04:43: Emotional abuse doesn't exist or you just just say to people and like in person if you really have courage, which
04:49: I've done before but I Enjoy, you know denying the existence of this term, but then
04:57: Just say that and you'll see the kind of reactions that people have and they'll tell you what it means I just ask people what it means and and you'll get a good you'll get a good indication about what they mean
05:07: But here's um, here's the definition from very well mind here So very well mind calm emotional abuse involves controlling
05:14: So think about this controlling another person by using emotions to criticize
05:20: Embarrass shame blame or otherwise manipulate them while most common in dating and married
05:25: Relationships mental or emotional abuse can occur in any relationship. So it's very serious including among family members friends and co -workers, so in general a
05:36: Relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that wear down a person's
05:44: Self -esteem and undermine their mental health. Okay, so like what what you
05:51: What you're cringing are you dying from cringe over there? I was just I was
05:57: I was smirking. I was smirking. That's what I was doing Yeah, the idea of emotional abuse like this is like a this is a word that people use to basically treat adults as infants
06:08: Okay so basically like if a person has like a Consistent pattern of being rude to you and being mean to you like it's going to just like in this language
06:17: It's going to destroy your self -esteem, right? So it's good So basically the whole premise of this word is that people can't help the way they feel so that's the premise
06:25: People can have the way they feel big and so therefore when people do bad stuff to you when people do mean stuff to you
06:31: So if you have like a if you're in a relationship where someone has a consistent pattern of using degrading, you know rude
06:38: Words mean words like the the issue is that in the minds of the pagans and even like professing
06:45: Christians at this point What's that? What that means? Is that like you you eventually it's just gonna tear away your self -esteem destroy your self -worth
06:52: You know, you're basically just good like they're abusing right? Like this is a form of abuse so much so to the point where like because you're not accountable to your emotions
07:02: I can you you don't have any responsibility for how you feel Basically, they're just gonna destroy yourself worth
07:07: I mean some people online they were even I mean They're wording it in the language of like damaging your psyche right like wounding you damaging you
07:15: You know causing you to doubt reality Causing you to you know Be unable to control your emotions
07:21: Causing you to just have no joy like to sap away all the joy and love in your life everything else and basically just like turn you into this like Yeah, you know just wretched like pitiable person who just is beat down and you know and everything else and so like they're using it like they're using like words like like basically like Emotional abuse is is that playing off the idea of like physical abuse now, right?
07:50: so just as you can with your fists like beat someone down to the point of Like that they're just non -functional as a person
07:57: That's what this emotional abuse category is trying to communicate But with words like meaning like this is just like the utter destroying of a person
08:06: Through means of like mean behavior and everything else if it makes it one I definitely think we've kind of gotten to a place as a society where You know, it used to be like when
08:17: I you know When I was growing up for sure when you were growing up because I know that that's that's not an old joke
08:22: That's just I know you've mentioned this before You know for sure when you were growing up The sentiment was that was typically
08:31: Told to you, you know, like if you came home from school and you were talking about hey So some other student was doing this and this and this to me
08:39: They were saying this to me or whatever and you're upset about it as a little kid Your parents are gonna tell you, you know, hey
08:47: Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you, right? Why because they're words they they can't do physical harm to you in and of themselves
09:00: Inherently, they aren't able to do that. So long as you don't let them right and and and it seems like as As we've progressed
09:11: And as I've gotten older, I really have noticed We've kind of we've just gone away from all of that Pretty much entirely at this point where You know, you're totally you're not in control of how you feel, you know, it's it's part of this whole follow your heart
09:30: Disney Dreams stuff that has been pushed out for four years now where You're basically told like what you feel is valid, you know, you you need to you need to give full vent to it and You're totally you're totally in the right for feeling however, you feel and no one can take that away from you and It just it it's a far cry from where we came from And you know now
10:00: I get that I get that there are trying Situations that you might be in as a person and that you might be
10:07: Forced to interact with someone in your daily life That is unpleasant to interact with but then that's not you know, it seems almost disrespectful to say that that's somehow even close to Comparable to Living with someone who is, you know physically beating you every day.
10:30: It seems it seems borderline disrespectful to even Assert that yes, so, you know related to this
10:38: Here's some other definitions that get at the point that you're trying to get at Okay, so like emotional abuse is the system systemic destruction of a person's self -esteem and or sense of safety
10:48: Often occurring in relationships where there are differences in power and control, right?
10:53: So like this so so some some critical theory there yeah, and You know, so a person, you know commented on this online
11:04: They said hey, what would you call it when a parent has a pattern of insulting degrading? Insulting degrading their kids in an unloving manner, and I said rude hateful
11:15: Unloving Right, so but like here's the thing so like you're talking about how things have changed
11:22: So we used to have a category for provoking someone to rap, right? So if you think about the idea of provoking someone to wrath
11:28: That's the way the Bible would speak about this kind of thing like in the language of provocation But like the issue is like there's a completely different connotation to the word provocation to wrath
11:41: Then emotional abuse, right? So like the idea of a provocation is it's a temptation from the outside So certainly we can tempt people to be angry.
11:49: We can tempt people to be sad We can tempt people to give in to despair. We can tempt people to give in to hopelessness
11:54: We can tempt people in all sorts of ways. Like there's no there's no discussion about that in the Bible Yeah, you can be a stumbling block
12:03: And the person not stumble over you, right? But then that's the whole issue like in a biblical worldview everything that people are describing under this language of Emotional abuse it's all just provocation, right?
12:18: Like it's but like the issue is at the end of the day It's a provocation and you can respond in one way or another that's the way it works, right?
12:26: So like the issue is and that's why I bring up the fruit of the Spirit So you talk about what emotional abuse is fruit of the Spirit is love joy.
12:32: Peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self -control so what you're asking me to believe with this category is that this
12:42: Provocation that you're doing to this other person is not a provocation I mean, you're literally mind wiping them or something like that, right?
12:51: Like you're literally like Destroying their soul like you're you're putting despair and hopelessness and shame and guilt on them and psychologically
13:03: Destabilizing them to the point where they just they are unable to have any of these for the Spirit, right? They're not able to be characterized by like love joy.
13:11: Peace kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness self -control they're not able to be characterized by the fruit of the
13:16: Spirit because you have Emotionally abused them and that's the way that the word meat. I mean, that's what people mean when they say this and they look at you and you say hey that isn't real right and They think you're being crazy or whatever.
13:29: It's like no you you don't have the ability To take away someone's love joy.
13:35: Peace Long -suffering gentleness meekness kindness faithfulness self -control. You don't have that ability no matter what you do.
13:42: You can provoke them, right? Mm -hmm, you can treat them poorly But I mean just think about the example of Jesus at that point when he was reviled
13:49: Returned but he entrusted himself to the one who judges righteously. It's like the issue is Jesus was treated worse than any human
13:58: World right has ever been treated but then what he didn't do was like, you know accuse everyone of being like of Emotionally abusing him and then like in a corresponding way just give himself over into everything
14:11: That's the opposite of this for the Spirit and blame it on the other person's poor treatment and see but that's what this word is
14:17: It's an excuse that people use To it like to basically like what it is is it's like a blank slate for me to feel whatever
14:26: I feel right And blame it all on you So it's all your fault, right?
14:33: Right, like I have no responsibility to be filled with love joy. Peace long -suffering gentleness meekness kindness faithfulness self -control because you're being mean to me
14:40: You know It's like what up and they'll look at you with this like sage look on their face or something like what part of emotional abuse
14:46: You know when you're emotionally abused someone they are you are destroying me, you know, it's like I know you that can't happen to the
14:53: Christian That's not the way these things work the Holy Spirit is more powerful than whatever you're trying to do
15:00: Right, they say as they like totally insult you all day long and mock you and ridicule And yet yeah, make us some make assumptions about you that are especially, you know
15:11: Immediately assuming that you must be it anyone who disagrees with you must be an emotional abuse that's like the that's like the the
15:24: It's like that meme, you know, where the one person is looking out at the whole crowd and saying you know
15:31: I'm right. You were all wrong Hey, oh if you disagree with me, that's just because you're guilty of this very thing that you're disagreeing with me
15:40: That's the only reason you disagree with me. There's no other There's no other possible reason you could disagree with so but part of part of what they're saying is that but then the other part?
15:50: Of what they're saying is also Like you denying emotional abuse exist You are reabusing people
15:57: Like that is an act of an abuse itself, right? So if you say that like what you're doing is you're abusing people who know it's real, right?
16:07: So like you're you're actually actively abusing them at the moment. It's like no, I just think these are dumb turks
16:13: These are dumb turks. We should stop using them like Christians should not use these psychological terms because they have baggage
16:19: But then like the funny thing is I mean the funny thing about it all is that people will get so mad about this
16:24: And they will call you so many names like we had someone threatened Like docks both of us and try to destroy
16:31: Right response to a simple but but it's like I'm not even remotely upset about it. It's just like well, whatever, you know
16:38: But yeah But if I if I adopted the like the thing is like I can't like adopt this worldview and say oh, yeah
16:44: You're abusing me right now Emotionally, right? I'm gonna go I'm gonna go home I'm gonna cry for the rest of the day because of how mean you were to me and I'm gonna take no
16:53: Responsibility for how I feel at this point because you're just utterly degrading me and dehumanizing me and treating me like garbage
16:59: It's just like yeah, that's just not really the way life works. I mean that God calls us to self -control and The fruit of the
17:06: Spirit is self -control and no matter how you treat me Like I don't I can't just wallow in it, right?
17:12: So I mean that's where the Bible just the Bible doesn't have this like category that In the minds of many people like they don't have it's just not this category doesn't exist.
17:25: There's not like You know certain kinds of treatment which are so bad which just completely remove all personal responsibility for you and Empathize you and basically treat you as if you're you know
17:36: A five -year -old girl or something like that who's not able to regulate your emotions at this point. It's just like this doesn't exist I'm sorry
17:41: Like fruit of the Spirit can help me to respond no matter what you do Which is so weird because I mean as you read the
17:49: Bible, there's just so many I mean, there's so many Stories about people who are in various, you know
17:59: Situations in their life where they are under someone who doesn't treat them the way that they are
18:06: Supposed to be treated and then and then the these biblical characters are
18:12: Refute, you know, I mean Jen Generally, obviously, they're still human other than Jesus.
18:19: There's you know, they're still You know human not perfect Not perfect like Jesus was and so they're gonna falter in various ways but then
18:32: Generally, they were faithful through all of that stuff and and we praise them for being faithful and not for Wallowing, you know in there in their own emotions.
18:42: I mean, I just think about Jacob with Laban, you know where we we praise him for He he enters this agreement with Laban He's you know, he's gonna marry his daughter after he works a set period of time and then he does he fulfills his and his end of the bargain and He gets cheated out of What he was promised by Laban, right?
19:10: He marries Leah instead of Rachel and And you know,
19:15: I mean that and that's not the only time Laban cheated him out of things either
19:22: That was like a that was like a pattern that happened over and over again with Laban and then we look at you know, we look at at Jacob's response to all that and he
19:33: Turns around and he does what needs to be done to get what he actually wanted to begin with Right, and we we don't look at that and say hey
19:43: Jake You know Jacob should have wallowed in his pity and he had every right to just you know
19:50: Leave in the worst possible way and never come never come back He had every right to feel however, he wanted to feel we don't talk about any of that we just talk about how you know, he there was someone that he valued enough to Put even more work in than what he promised he would do
20:09: To get and we praise him for that and I mean there's just so much there's so many examples of that throughout the
20:14: Bible where You have these guys who who are are treated poorly You know and they don't wallow in all of it and we praise them for those things.
20:25: So I guess It's we it's weird that we just we look at that and say that is the example that we should follow and Then turn to everyone that we know and you know in our own personal lives and say hey you're entitled to the way that you feel and I have to wonder to how much of this comes from the you know this the school of thought that essentially thinks the
20:49: Bible tells us that anything That's a desire Inside of you is not sin all right,
20:58: I have to wonder how much of that is a part of this conversation because Because You know you and I we would say that well your desire can be sinful depending on what you're desiring
21:11: That's what it's all about I mean like when I made that comment that emotional abuse doesn't exist or whatever all the sodomites came out of the woodwork
21:18: You know all the female pastors came out of the woodwork, you know all that All the all the egalitarians came out of the woodwork, you know, so I mean it's just like this is the term
21:29: Like this is like the big problem in our culture in a society right now is people just they really don't believe that they can
21:36: Help the way they feel that's the problem, right? Yeah, so they can't help the way they feel and whatever they feel
21:41: That's what defines him. That's their identity. Okay, so that that's why this is a big deal Like what it's not really even about emotional abuse
21:48: It's about the presuppositions which undergird the project the presuppositions that undergird the project are you can't help the way you feel and however
21:54: You feel that's who you are, right? Right, so the female pastor like she like she feels like called to be at a pastor.
22:01: So she's a pastor, right? I like the issue is the sodomite he feels Like he feels attracted to people of the opposite of the same sex.
22:10: So that's who he is. That's his identity That's how he defines it, right? So all this is just like you have a bunch of people who have governed their lives on the basis of their feelings
22:19: They don't have any category for emotional self -control. They don't have any kind of category for managing their emotions for Disciplining their emotions.
22:27: They don't have any category for that. They don't even know what to do with that, right? These are foreign thoughts and in fact like what they've been taught
22:33: They've been taught for many years based on like the psychology, you know Quote -unquote behind it like they've been taught that if you try to suppress your emotions
22:42: You're doing violence to yourself. Okay, I guess they've been taught like you have to you have this like This moral imperative to feel whatever you feel in an unrestricted and restrained way
22:56: And not only that everyone has to come along and tell you that your feelings are fine, right? Whatever you feel is right.
23:01: You can't help the way you feel that's that's the world that we live in So then if you if you look at If you look at something like this like this kind of topic that that's that's the idol that you're that you're stepping on basically
23:15: Now that that's that's that's that's the issue So the issue is basically just you have a group of people who are just narcissists.
23:23: They got participation trophies their whole life They've been told that they need to emote and express their fit as Express their feelings and like if anyone comes along and basically says hey, yeah, you know what?
23:33: Like you're accountable for that Thank you You can't blame all your feelings on everyone else and you can actually control that they just they just scream, you know
23:43: Which is so crazy because the minute that you start thinking that way and you start you start thinking hey, maybe
23:50: I Actually do have control over my emotions and maybe if over time
23:56: I think that way and I treat all my Interactions in life that way where no matter what the circumstance around me
24:03: I can still choose to be Joyful, I can still choose to not be overcome with sorrow
24:10: I can still choose to put my hope in Christ and not despair like the rest of the world despairs
24:16: Then you know the sooner you the sooner you do that. I mean the sooner you
24:22: Start you start having victory over these things and the sooner you start being sanctified in a way where these things don't really bother you
24:30: The same way that they used to bother you Right, right. Yeah I mean
24:36: I could give a bunch of examples of this some some of which are pretty mundane, you know, so like meaning
24:45: But early on the Christian life I I I realized that I was lazy and I hated work, right so the
24:55: You know, my me and my younger brother we had a funny joke or whatever, but we played
25:00: Starcraft back in the days So we you know the greatest summer of our life.
25:06: Okay, you want to know what the greatest summer of our life was? I Feel like I can I can already guess what it what it was, but go ahead and tell us
25:14: For life and we talked about this way was where we spent all summer playing Starcraft from start to fit from like Sun up to Sun down I mean, but that's like work.
25:25: It's totally worthless. But then at some point in my life I realized that man like all right I became a
25:31: Christian and I read the Bible and I get to the opening chapters of the Bible and I realized that God has Made man to work, right?
25:37: So God's made he put man in the garden He made him work and then you know I read in Ecclesiastes that The preacher basically sees that there's nothing better than a man rejoicing the toil with which he toils under the
25:48: Sun, right? So and I look at that and I say, all right Do I believe this or not?
25:56: I'm not feeling that, you know Like I don't my emotions or not
26:02: Are not saying amen, you know or hallelujah to this truth here, right? So like I'm I I I reject that in my soul
26:11: Yeah, the he's found that you know There's nothing better than to rejoice in the toil with which we toil under the
26:18: Sun like this I got my emotions don't feel that I would rather play Starcraft all day long, right? But then, you know, it's like hey,
26:24: I'm a Christian I believe the Bible whatever God says is right and that led me to say hey,
26:31: I Know I've been told that I can't help the way I feel my whole life But God says that there's nothing better than I rejoice in the toil with which
26:40: I toil Under the Sun for this is God's gift to man I'm not just gonna be faithful at work
26:47: I'm gonna find a way to love work because that's what the Bible tells me I need to do, right?
26:52: The Bible tells me I need to love work like and it's like that's God's gift to me that I can learn to love work
26:59: And it was about as simple as that in my mind To learn how to love work
27:06: That was it Right. It was a decision. I made to say no,
27:11: I'm gonna love this Right and any thought that comes to my mind that is a complaint.
27:18: I'm gonna repent of right But I'm gonna I'm gonna love this I'm gonna learn to love to work and I would say that like I've never
27:26: I guess been you know 20 years since that conversation or something like that in my brain and I don't struggle with enjoying work.
27:36: I Like to work. I Love working, right? Like it's not like the issue is your emotions are liars
27:44: And and and you it's your job as a Christian to Conform your emotions to the
27:50: Word of God to basically say that what God says is right No matter what my feelings say, right?
27:56: So my feelings say that this is the path that you know dredgery and boredom But what I found over the course of my life is no
28:02: I mean this God's made you to work and There is nothing better than a man rejoice with the toil with which he toils under the
28:09: Sun, right? Those were right those are those are true words and you know, my heart
28:15: Resonates with those words now in a way that it didn't before right, right But I mean
28:21: I could take that's the way it's worked in every area of sanctification. God has produced in my life
28:27: It's right just like that to where you say, whatever God says is right is right. My emotions need to follow, you know
28:35: And I'm gonna make no allowance for them not following and it's just about that But I mean you do have an entire, you know,
28:42: I mean generations of people at this point who just think that they just have no So then, you know when someone's mean to you, it's just like well,
28:52: I mean, of course, you're not gonna have any self -esteem It's just like I don't even understand what you're communicating Before mean to me all the time.
29:01: I Don't care You know for some reason I think if you were to start claiming that you're a victim of Emotional abuse by the hand of all of the you know
29:12: Emotionally abused I doubt very many people would show you much sympathy probably Especially that especially the emotionally, you know, quote -unquote emotionally abused so But okay,
29:24: I think that's a good place for us to wrap up the conversation. So Tim thank you for walking us through that and and Talking about this issue in general because I you know, like I said at the beginning
29:34: It is it is one of those things where we've we've gone from one end of the spectrum all the way to the other end
29:41: Where you know at first I think we're in a good place saying hey You know, you are that you're the person who controls the way that you feel right and you're responsible
29:52: Right, you're not responsible for everything that happens, you know outside of you
29:58: But you are responsible for everything that happens inside Right and and we've gone from that we've gone from that to just you're you're a victim
30:07: You know, you you can't control what's you can't control what's going on in here You know, you're that's just that's just something that you're along the ride for but just totally unbiblical
30:18: I mean, they're like there's nothing in the Bible that even hints at that idea
30:23: It's the exact opposite the Bible tells us just straight forward the exact opposite That we are in control of what goes on in here and you know off and Without God's intervention.
30:38: It's always evil, which is why you're saying. Hey, you know, my emotions are lying to me, right?
30:43: That's that's why you're saying this because our flesh is evil and desires evil and wicked things So with all that being said we appreciate you guys supporting us weekend and week out listening to the podcast
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