Break Out 5- Robert & Kelly Canipe

All right, let's let's pray before we get started father. We thank you for the conference thus far and We ask for your help as we discuss this topic right now Of whom we're not experts. Uh help us to have this conversation and we pray and ask you help us to be biblical And point to jesus in his name we pray.

Amen. So And given the theme of the conference. We want to make sure that as we look at marriage We want to make sure we're looking at marriage in light of What jonathan has just talked about jesus is the authority over marriage.

Obedience to Christ Over Manipulation in Marriage

Um we Wanted to make sure that we informed you that We're not perfect. So we're not coming up. We're not coming up here you know.

We are not an authority on marriage and how to do marriage and this is the way a marriage should be and this is The way a marriage should look. Um because oftentimes our marriage is a real marriage and has many blunders on the daily.

And I think it's interesting. Bring up the word perfect. It's interesting how we often use the the word perfect in our marriages. It's uh. We use it in such a way. Um, well i'm Too bad we all can't be as perfect as you are, you know in our in our arguments in our conversations, uh.

Not that he's calling me out. What that's never happened? Okay. So at the beginning and and you may have to decipher my notes here. Um, I just throw a lot of stuff down on the page. But the first one is obedience is where we find freedom.

In marriage obedience is where we find freedom. So this first part is kind of like I said what not to do. Um, You've heard popular phrases in christianity. Uh called we they say we need to mirror christ.

We need to be like christ. What would jesus do? What would jesus do bracelets? Um. You know in some areas biblically We find verses where we're called to that we're the image bearers of christ. We're we're to mirror him but here in marriage.

We want to look at it in a different way. Um the way I think it's taken In this context is often wrong. Um using these methods to me often end up being behavior modifications. Uh used as tactics to receive desired outcome so I don't I want to behave this way so that It makes her react and behave a certain way towards me.

It's kind of reactionary um. We we are not called to control things that are not in our control. Um, we are not called to find our joy in their response. So, you know, we're working for that response thinking that we're going to get joy out of getting the desired response.

So it's that that cyclical thing that's happening right there once we get to the end of it. That joy Is not found because that's not the intention. It's not god's design. Um, and here's something interesting too, uh, you know, we talked about mirroring christ, you know, we We mirror Reflect him.

But in in doing that in this context. Because of who we are because of our humanity because we're human what happens is and and we've you've heard people talk about this in evangelism if You uh, if you're speaking to an atheist or somebody.

And you want to share the gospel with them and they say well Well, my god would never send anybody to hell and your response is well. You're right. Your god wouldn't send anybody to hell because your god doesn't exist so we do that when we Mirror christ to our spouse because we mirror the christ to our spouse that we've created in our mind.

That we want them to be so however, we start here instead of there we want them to behave and Respond to me in a certain way. So i'm going to create a jesus. That I can mirror so that they will Reciprocate That that which I want from them.

Do you have any comments on that first part? Oh, not yet. Um, can we ask questions? Absolutely. Absolutely. So would you say that what what you're describing is that uh kind of like Manipulative manipulation.

Absolutely, yep very manipulative. And that's that's a hard pill to swallow because we we don't want to think we're being manipulative. So in marriage We're not called to be our spouse's jesus their savior and we're not called to be their holy spirit.

We cannot do for our spouse what jesus can do. And being like jesus to our spouse can potentially set us up for unmet expectations. I treated you this way. Therefore. I deserve equal or better treatment.

Those expectations are not met then I become bitter.

And this is similar to the the five love languages which I can't even tell you the names of Unless I have to look them up.

I mean, what are those the the five love languages? Well, i've i've kind of checked out on that. Anyway, I just I just know they're bad. They're not I mean it It takes us in the wrong direction. It's not a gospel direction.

Um physical touch affirmations gifts Quality time and serving. Yeah. Those are the five love languages very popular. It used to be very popular still probably popular in certain circles but the problem with the five love languages is If I learn their love language, no, yeah if I learn their love language and I just Pour into that love language then i'm going to get the desired response or if I figure out what my love language is and they're not treating me according to my love language then Unmet expectations and and so we're not treating each other in light of the gospel.

I'm going to treat you Based on the fact that i'm the worst sinner in the room. Jesus died for me. He loves me. He's forgiven me. I deserve hell therefore serve serve serve serve despite your Behavior towards me.

Does that make sense?

That is often the picture of how it goes by the way. He's really good at that and i'm really bad at that. He's far better.

Marriage as Gospel Witness and Sanctification

Um. What we have been called to do in our marriages is obey christ. So that's. That's the main point our aim in the conference. And in this life is to be biblical obeying christ because he is our authority.

Is biblical and is what? He has led to this particular theme of the conference. Notice our verses for the conference. All authority has been given to jesus in heaven on earth teaching them to obey. So that's.

That's the thing obey obey christ. Um, not do all these other techniques these other forms of manipulation that we talked about. We've been called to obey christ. This approach keeps jesus in his position and in our lives.

We are not the ones in position to expect to have our needs met and be served. We love our spouse beyond words to serve and honor christ. The expectation is to obey christ and leave the results up to him.

In this approach we are responsible for ourselves before god. Oh.

Yeah just in in that point number two, um. Um, you you have written that um. If we don't receive the response that we think we should it means either we have the wrong expectations. Or that god is doing something else.

Sometimes it's both of those things. Um. And I think and I don't know if this is the right place to say it I think one of the biggest things that I have learned I don't know in being married and I try to do and i'm not the best at doing I don't.

It's not my desire to change you. Even when my expectations are not met. It's not my desire to change you because You are not the one who needs to be changed. It's me. And that's always my goal. It's how can my heart be changed what needs to be changed in me?

Because I have those unmet expectations.

So, I don't know if that's the right place to say it. Yeah, you have any questions about one through three there. Yeah. Uh. So they probably should have came to jeremy's breakout session earlier on patience.

Um, because you're going to need a lot of it and you're talking about expectations. And and that's a really good question and something that we need to address what happens and there's. As a pastor i'm sure you've seen it, you know couples come in to your study or wherever you meet and both will say I I was baptized 15 years ago, you know, I'm a member of this church i'm safe but Fruit tells you otherwise so you often have Couples come in and one's not safe um.

And and how do you deal with that? And I think the word expectation. Managing those expectations is key there from my perspective and what I mean by that is. You've often heard you talk you brought up todd frill and I think I heard this from him a long time ago.

When it comes to like christmas christmas has grown up been brought up so far in our sessions. Uh when it comes to christmas and you'll hear christian is talking about. We need to protest against the walmart because they won't say merry christmas.

Well Why would they say merry christmas because they're of the world? It's we need to have realistic expectations. That's easier said than done. But when you're in a marriage who with an unbelieving spouse.

The expectation is they're going to act like An unbelieving spouse and so they need the support of their church. Their brotherhood and sisterhood in church. They need faith and prayer. They need the word.

And they need patience and of course their ultimate desire is not Not that they'll and this goes back to what we talked about before. If if i'm a believing spouse in the home, uh with an unbelieving spouse.

If we want to get our priorities, right? My first priority is not that she Treats me good. If i'm a christian and my spouse is unbelieving my First goal is that she becomes believing. She becomes born again.

And so I want to live With her in an understanding way. And in a gospel-centered way pointing her to jesus and and go back to The breakout sessions probably that tyler did where we're we're talking about suffering through things.

And god's design for sanctification because it may be for our sanctification that we need to be whittled whittled down living with a unbelieving spouse. Just all those scenarios. Why god why do you have me in this scenario?

What do you want to use me here in this scenario for? Not. This needs to change because god promised me a happy life. He didn't. He he promised that he would work on us to make us holy to be presentable to the father.

And so that would be My first my start on that answer, which is difficult. Do you have anything? Let's see page number two. What's our time? Um. The gospel. The purpose of the marriage is the gospel. We've already heard that that the gospel presents images christ and his church.

And and oneness is easier to explain than applied. And there's your there's your question there. Hopefully here we're talking about both parties being christians and the holy spirit empowers us uh for this journey.

Yet if we don't yield to him, we're we're losing and we're fighting a losing battle. Yielding is what? Number one and number Three, I guess are all about um. Great marriages can be a reality. And I would go back to jonathan's sermon that he just preached.

Great some great marriages can be a reality. We just got to get back to this is this reality is god's reality. This world is god's world and marriages are god's marriages and we need to do it his way.

Um when it comes to the point there that daily we must die to sin And self and have faith in jesus. The times That are hardest for me in our marriage Are likely the times when My eye is not on that when I am when i'm letting One or two or all of those balls drop in some way.

And it just makes everything that much more difficult. And and and then it comes out here one of the reasons why number two here is so important.

It's because it helps us with with our motivation and perspective. Uh, we can go back to the sermon I tried to preach and the message I tried to bring across on thursday. Is that god is god is saving a big world?

He's saving a lot of people and if you were in jeremy's session, he was talking about how um. The kingdom starts out like a stone comes into a big mountain a little seed grows into a big tree and God's kingdom is forever.

His dominion is forever and it's going to keep going and he has a zeal. It's his zeal that's doing it and it's him that is doing it and so this this kingdom and this accomplishment is His work and it's going to continue and his reign is forever.

And so he's he's saving the world and it's global and it's big but his means to do it is Through us and working on a local level and through marriages and So that's another motivation another reason for us to to seek the lord and um really desire to have Godly marriages is because um.

We want to have the same Global saving perspective that god has that my marriage. My marriage is important to god's economy. And so I want to have a god honoring marriage because my marriage is important in god's economy.

Any comments on that one? You're right um. Remember and remember the gospel in your marriages. I'm a bigger sinner Than my spouse. I've sinned against god more than my spouse has sinned against me. God saved and forgave me and treats me as if i've never sinned because of the imputed righteousness of jesus.

Not anything that i've done. Not only is god not bringing. Not going to send me to hell. He treats me as a holy joint heir with christ. And we get to inherit the world. So i've sinned so much against god yeah, he's going to treat me like that and yet my spouse In in that perspective does something.

This minute compared to what we've done to god and yet I'll you know, i'm right there ready to to pounce on my spouse. When god treats us as a joint heir inheriting the world.

Despite how what we've done to him I was gonna I was gonna I was gonna jump on to number five because really if I could take my feelings out and treat him As the glorious highly favored child of the king that he is wouldn't our marriage just be Even more wonderful than it already is because my feelings get in our way.

I tend to have big feelings and they get in the way but However, I could put if I could post this on the inside of my eyelids so I could see that He is a child of the king. And remind myself of that every time I blink we'd probably have far fewer issues.

Oneness, Divorce, and the Kinsman Redeemer

So we don't have time for number three so If y 'all want to have further discussion about this Send me a question or we can talk about it later. Um. But I did want to share one more thing that I thought was so so fascinating when you do word studies.

You find you learn you find out so much more than than you didn't know. So when I when I was looking up the verse that said that what god has joined together. Let no man separate or let no man put asunder.

And you can find out and I think claude you brought this out in your message that This particular word. You can understand it in these several different ways. And one of the ways that you can understand that word not separate or Put asunder is um Put no gap.

Or or space in between. So what oneness means biblically is that We're so put together. That there is there's not an air bubble or space In between that's what god has done to us as husband and wife. He's put us that close together.

And In some ways I want to think that That particular verse encompasses more than just divorce so Let no man put no gap in between your oneness. Could be another man it could be Your phone it could be your tv it could be your girlfriends or your guy friends.

It could be your hobbies let nothing. Put a gap or air bubble or anything. It should be so tight that there's no space no space at all between you and your spouse. And so when when you guys go separately to your jobs.

You guys are still moving in one direction because you're so close in your oneness um, and that's kind of the direction that I took in the extra credit, um, and hopefully that's understandable if you desire to take time to read that with um um.

Is it name? Naming milan milan and ruth milan was ruth's first husband who died. And then you have ruth going to boas and boas being the kinsman redeemer boas his uh, his job as the kinsman redeemer was to bring back to life the name of milan so and and they were so one that I I had to go here.

It was so fascinating to me. It was so fascinating to me. I had to go here. Um, The women and children they had no rights that's why she had to go find the kinsman redeemer because Nobody to protect her john was talking about the home.

If you don't follow the lord, you don't have a home what a compass what's encompassed in that is protection. Back then they didn't have protection. They didn't have nothing. And so that's why they needed a kinsman redeemer but not only that Ruth's oneness with milan was So connected she was so connected to milan that marrying boaz.

He raises up the name of the dead man and through Ruth she can carry on his family name and give His inheritance to his sons. Therefore because her sons were considered milan son, even though Boaz fathered them.

And that that oneness is tight with the lord so y 'all have any other questions we'll have back. Hopefully it was helpful and understandable. Yeah, absolutely well, let's let's pray again father we thank you for I'll let you do for us.

Help us to be gospel centered. We need your holy spirit to do that. Uh, we can't accomplish that on our own. And so father we plead with you that you would be working that in us in jesus name. Amen.