TLP 530: How to Know If You Need Help in Your Parenting

It's a difficult reality, and one that we all have to acknowledge. Most of us simply don't know what we need to know in order to know that we need help. Parenting isn't about us. In fact, parenting isn't even about our kids.

Parenting as Worship and the Need for Help

Parenting is just one way Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the Truth Love Parent Podcast, where we train dads and moms to give God the preeminence in their parenting. Hey all you parents out there, I'm Aaron, but you already knew that.

And today we're going to see if you and I need any help in our parenting. So let's get into it. When I used to tell people about Victory Academy for Boys, I met so many who would say things like, I wish I had known about that ministry when my sons were that age.

As a biblical counselor, I have people reaching out to me all the time with parenting questions, and though all of their kids are different ages, and their income levels are diverse, and their spiritual maturity is distinctive, and their questions are very dissimilar, they all have one thing in common.

They all waited too long to ask for help. Now that's not to say that there's no hope for them. Of course not. We serve the amazing, all-powerful, all-loving, all-knowing creator king of the universe.

There is definitely hope for growth and change. However, let's be honest. The longer we wait to take our car into the mechanic, the bigger the job, the more expensive the job, and the better chances the job won't be as beneficial.

Friedrich Douglass was right when he said it's easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. So how is it that over 90 of the people who look for help in their parenting have all waited longer than they should to finally look for help?

That seems amazingly coincidental. Unfortunately, the answer is a bit uncomfortable. Some people wait because they're lazy. They know they don't know how to successfully deal with their parenting dilemma, but they don't really want to do the work necessary to find the answer or deal with the problem.

They're kind of just hoping it'll go away. Others are too prideful. They know they have a problem, but in their minds, asking for help is akin to admitting to failure and they absolutely refuse to do that.

Sometimes this group of parents struggles with embarrassment, but allowing that feeling to stop them from getting help is a result of pride. There's also a fraction of parents who are just delusional.

What I mean by this is that they don't believe there really is a problem. They might have been told there's a problem. They may have even experienced some of the consequences of the problem, but these kinds of parents are the ones who say things like, kids will be kids.

What did you expect? She's 14. Well, that's just the way it is. And it's important for them to find their own truth or slash follow their hearts or slash be true to themselves slash whatever insane parenting philosophy can be used to dismiss the fact that our kids are on a self-destructing trajectory.

So yes, there are many lazy, prideful, and delusional parents, but I think the vast majority of us fall into a fourth category. We're simply ignorant. What I mean is we just don't know what we don't know.

We don't know enough to recognize the warning signs. We haven't seen the choices kids on this trajectory make. And when we do, we're uncertain how bad it could really be. Most of us simply don't know what we need to know in order to know that we need help.

Allow me to give you one real life example. And yes, identities will be protected. To make a very long story short, I had a parent sitting in front of me who had just learned that their child had been sneaking out at night to meet up with a friend of the opposite sex.

This parent was completely blindsided. They couldn't imagine a universe in which their child would ever do anything like that. However, I could have called it a mile away. I mean, for me, all the warning signs were there.

The child's trajectory was incredibly clear to me, and it was due to my relational pursuit of that child that the truth came out. But the parent didn't even know to be concerned for their child. Could that be you?

Could that be me? Maybe we're not lazy. If you knew there were an issue, you'd be all over it. Maybe you're not too prideful to ask for help when you see you need it. Maybe you're not delusional. You desperately try to agree with God on what is good and what is bad.

So, is it possible that you just don't know what you don't know? Now, before we answer the question, how do you know if you need help in your parenting, I'd like to tell you about a service we offer designed to help you know what you don't know and when you need to know it.

Faith Tree Biblical Counseling and Discipleship

Anyway, Faith Tree Biblical Counseling and Discipleship exists to equip God's people with the biblical truth they need to glorify God by being conformed to the image of Jesus Christ. Whether you're having issues in your parenting, or you're giving into addiction, or your marriage is struggling, or you don't know how to please the Lord with your spending, or you've been diagnosed with a terminal illness, or anything else, we are here to open the Bible and show you how you can glorify God in your situation.

You can reach out to us in so many ways. You can visit faithtreebiblicalcounseling .com. You can email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com, and you can even get in touch with us through the Evermind app.

We want to help you be the person God called and created you to be, and it's possible that you already need help but just don't know it yet. So after we talk about how to know if you need help in your parenting, I'm going to remind you about how you can get in touch with our biblical counselors so that you can get the help you need.

Six Signs You Need Help in Parenting

All right, how can you and I know that we need help in our parenting? Number one, are you experiencing any angst in your parenting? Call it worry, call it doubt, call it fear, call it anxiety, whatever you want, I use the word angst.

This should be a dead giveaway, but I think we've all been convinced that parenting is hard no matter what we do, so the fact that we're struggling doesn't motivate us to look for the help the way it should.

Number two, have your kids started doing things that surprise you? Again, this should be intuitive. If your children, regardless of their age, are doing, saying, feeling, thinking, wanting, or believing things that surprise you, perhaps a couple things might be true.

A, you might have been missing something. It amazes me when a child blindsides their parents and yet the parents plunge forward as if they're still not being blindsided. On the other hand, B, maybe you weren't blindsided, but if what the kids are doing surprises you, then perhaps it would be wise to get some insight so that the surprise doesn't continue.

Number three, are you reading parenting books or listening to parenting podcasts or attending parenting conferences? Sometimes parents, even the prideful ones, will pursue parenting help through books and podcasts because they recognize that they do in fact need help.

However, we should be wise enough to realize that non-personalized help isn't nearly as valuable as personalized help. If we're combing the internet looking for answers from strangers about how to handle our kids, we need to recognize the fact that personalized assistance has far greater chances of helping the situation.

Number four, are your children changing? Now, this is really vague and so therefore it rarely is a cue that we probably need some parenting help. But what's interesting is that we understand the significance of change when our kids are very young.

We diligently track their milestones and we research upcoming changes to be ready for the next needs our children are going to have. But as our kids get older, we become less diligent about looking forward to their next developmental stages, temptations, and possible pitfalls.

There are three types of changes for which we should be looking. A. Are they changing behaviorally? In episode 442, we talked about how to know if your child is addicted. I'll link that episode in the description of today's show.

One of the best ways to spot an addiction is to look for changes. Changes that likely will not seem like a significant problem or even appear related to the actual addiction. A simple example of this is that a child who used to dress one way but who has recently changed key things about the clothes they wear may be purposefully or inadvertently hiding something.

It might be effects on their bodies. It might be a cover for sneaking things in and out of the house on their person. Or it could simply be a subconscious identifier with a certain group or ideology. Either way, when children start changing in how they relate to family members, the quality of their schooling perhaps, how they dress, talk, or eat, and countless other seemingly insignificant changes, it might be a revelation about a new addiction.

By the way, yes, just in case you were wondering, your child is addicted. So are mine. Their primary addiction is the same, but their secondary addictions are probably different, and their recent changes may help you identify them.

B. Are they changing spiritually? This again should be one of the things that drives us to look for assistance, and it's not just when our kids seem to be acting more immaturely. Even the morphing spiritual change that appears to be the result of maturity is something that should cause us to pursue advice concerning valuable ways to guide them into this new season of their lives.

Letter C. Are they changing physically? Again, very young children appear to change much faster, but noticeable physical changes in any of our kids is a revelation that our kids are entering new phases.

They will be experiencing new influences and temptations. They will be capable of different decision-making, and in some cases, their physical changes are actually the result of poor spiritual choices.

Okay, so I have two more things that should prompt us to seek parenting help, and I'll mention these very quickly. Number five. Are you finite? That's right. I just asked you if you were finite. If you are finite, that means that you're not perfect.

It means that you're a sinner and that you don't know everything you need to know. And finally, number six. Do you have children? Yes, that's right. I just asked you if you had children. If you didn't see this coming a few points back, I hope you're realizing my goal for today's episode.

I could have actually made this episode much shorter by leading off with, you can know for certain that you absolutely always need help in your parenting if you're a human who either plans to have kids or actually has kids, period.

If you're in either of those categories, yes, you need help, but I didn't start off that way for one main reason. The exact things that prevent us from seeking assistance when it should be super obvious that we need help are the same things that would hinder us from accepting the fact that we all need help right here and right now.

Some of us are lazy. Others are prideful. There are those who may be deluded, but the vast majority of us just don't know what we don't know. And when you layer on those realities that we are sinners who so often misinterpret things, are blind to others, and who sin ourselves, it should be obvious that of course we're going to need help to do this thing called parenting.

It's then that we can easily realize that our parenting angst, the surprising things that our kids do, our pursuit of non-personalized advice, our children's perpetual change, and the very fact that we have kids in the first place are all obvious indicators that we could use some help in this thing called parenting.

Why Community and Biblical Counseling Matter

Now, I want to share two more ideas. Number one, I'm not saying that you can't parent your kids on your own or that it takes a village to raise your children or anything else like that. I'm simply sharing a lesson that I've gleaned from my own experiences and the experiences of others.

We all wait too long to seek help. We all should have started pursuing parenting help long before things got out of hand. But I'm also extrapolating a biblical truth. God designed us to flourish in community.

In episode 198, we talked about how to create community in your parenting because it's so incredibly valuable. The Lord wants us equipping each other, comforting each other, sharpening each other, teaching each other, reproving, rebuking, and challenging each other in our spiritual maturity.

And that definitely includes our parenting. Biblical life-on-life discipleship community is something we should all be doing anyway. Unfortunately, Satan, the world, and our sinful flesh daily tries to convince us that we don't need other people's help and or that others don't have the right to speak into our lives.

You've probably heard me say on many occasions that you are the single best parent for your child when you are fully submitted to Christ. In those cases, no one can parent your kids better than you can.

If they could, God would have given your kids to them. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't pursue help. That doesn't mean we don't need to continue growing into the parent who is fully submitted to Christ because quite often, let's be honest, we're not and we need help getting there.

And the final thing I wanted to share today is this. Number two, since it would be wise for all of us to seek help in our parenting, we need to carefully choose the most beneficial help. A, there is value in books and podcasts.

As someone who has written books and hosts a podcast, I firmly believe there's value in those mediums. But as I mentioned before, the best podcasts and books are still not personalized. You may have heard me say that the best application is the most specific application, application that can only apply to you.

Therefore, even the best parenting book can be more valuable as someone helps you apply it to your situation in the best way possible. Therefore, letter B, there is value in counseling from people who don't know you.

Again, as a biblical counselor who rarely has a previous relationship with the individuals who come for counseling, I totally recognize and champion the value in such biblical counseling. There's great help to be had in counseling from people who don't do life with you.

But that doesn't mean there aren't more beneficial types of help. So, letter C, the most valuable help is found in counseling from people who do life with.

You.

I have been on both sides of the example I'm about to give you. A person goes to someone for counseling, but they don't have a prior relationship and they only ever see each other during counseling time.

That's often only on a weekly basis. In situations like that, it's so easy for the counselee to be on their best behavior, for the counselor to only ever know their side of the story, and even to deliberately withhold information from the counselor or even lie.

Yeah, I know, you never saw that one coming. But when we're getting our parenting help from people who actually see us as we parent, that person has a far better chance of understanding the situation and offering assistance that will be the most beneficial, as well as just making it really hard for us to kind of casually deceive them.

However, I do have one more sub-point to make. Yes, the most valuable help is found in counseling from people who do life with you, but letter D, the only valuable counseling absolutely needs to be rooted in the Scripture.

Yes, best counsel is going to come from someone who intimately knows the Bible, lives a Christ-honoring life, and knows you well. But sometimes, let's be honest, it's really hard to find a person who fits into all three of those categories.

There are plenty of people who know things about the Bible, but they don't live it. And there are also many people who know and live the Scriptures who don't know or do life with us. So what do you do?

When people come to me for counseling, I always push them back to their church. The hope, and of course the biblical expectation, is that there should be a mature believer in their church who is better suited to help them than I am.

However, in so many cases, basically 100 of all of my counseling, the individuals can't find someone in their local body of believers who knows the Scriptures, is mature, and who knows the person well.

And so, the individual or the family comes to me for the counseling. Yes, your pastor or one of your elders should be the best guy to help you in your parenting journey, but so many of them aren't very good in pastoral counseling sessions, aren't doing a good job parenting their own kids, or don't know you any better than I do.

Therefore, a podcast that is thoroughly biblical is much better than a doctorally unsound pastor or a close friend who's immaturely following the trends of the world. The most important aspect of the counseling must be its submission to the practical application of biblical principles.

Second to that is how well the individual knows us. Too often though, when some people look for help, they go to the people they know, the people who quote-unquote get them, but those people aren't doing any better than they are or pursuing a biblical trajectory than they are.

In a recent article entitled, The Parenting Book Too Few Parents Read, Tim Challey started out by talking about the many parenting materials he's consumed. And then he said, quote, To have a great disparity between what you teach and how you live, or between what you say is true in your family and what is actually true.

The local church proves who you really are, what you really believe, and how you really.

Live.

And so I decided it would be wise to commit to reading the book that I saw each Sunday, the one that was right before my eyes. Here I could see fathers who love their children and were loved by their children and ask them for guidance.

Here I could see parents whose children I would be proud to call my own and learn to imitate them. Here I could see the principles of scripture really lived out. I understood that it would be foolish to spend time with a book when I could spend time with a family, to learn from a stranger when I could be mentored by a friend, unquote.

Now, I don't agree with absolutely everything Challey said in his article, but the basic premise and main points were good. Here were his five tips for asking for parenting help from people who are spiritually mature and who know you.

I'm going to comment on his five tips and we'll be done. Number one, don't be easily impressed by people whose children are still young. This is not to say they aren't good parents, but if they offer advice that isn't necessarily an application of a legitimate biblical concept, it may simply be a fad, a repurposed secular notion or destined to some kind of failure in the future.

Number two, look for people in your church whose older children are living the way you'd hope your children will someday live. Now, this is really great advice if you have a good, grounded, biblical, Christ-honoring vision for how you hope your children will live one day.

If you don't have biblical hopes for them, I might think many people who are living unbiblical lives could be a good model for my kid and their parents will seem like someone from whom I could get good advice, but I shouldn't.

Number three, be wary of people whose egos are tied closely to their children. First, this is an indication of sinful pride and so that mostly bumps them out of the spiritually mature category of counsel givers.

Second, since their motivation for parenting isn't actually biblical, it doesn't matter if they're encouraging you to do good things in good ways because they're also teaching you to do them for bad reasons.

Number four, as you speak to exemplary parents, also speak to their exemplary children. I'm just going to read what he wrote under this point. Chali said, quote,. Those are all great ideas. And finally, number five, don't fall into the trap of thinking that just because older parents raised their children many years ago and in a different cultural context, their counsel is no longer valuable.

The Apostle Paul likely didn't even have kids, but his exceptionally biblical advice about child rearing still stands thousands of years later. And since the Word of God is eternally relevant and evergreen, that anyone who used those principles to rear their kids is someone who should be able to speak into our parenting.

I'll have a link in the description of to the full article as well as an interview I did with Tim that discusses parental blind spots. I hope you'll check those out. But more importantly, I hope that you will continue to pursue help in your parenting.

Yes, keep listening to this podcast and reading good books, but also be humble enough to get life-on-life help from spiritually mature believers in your church. You need it, whether you realize it or not.

And listen, again, please understand, so do I. I'm not sitting here judging you. I need it, whether I think I do or not. And you can help other dads and moms recognize that they also need parenting. You can help them in what they don't know by sharing this episode with them.

And if you are now personally recognizing that you do need more specific and individualized help in your parenting, but you don't have anyone who's wise and mature enough and who knows you really well, please send an email to counselor at truthloveparent .com or call 828 -423 -0894.

Closing Encouragement and Next Episode

And then join us next week as we answer the age-old question, is being a parent really like owning a puppy? I'll see you then. Truth Love Parent is part of the Evermind Ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship God through your parenting.

So join us next time as we study God's Word to learn how to parent our children for life.

And godliness.

And remember that TLP is a listener-supported ministry. You can visit truthloveparent .com forward slash donate to learn more.