Five Ways To Bless Your Husband

Bethlehem Bible Church

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October 28, 2006

00:00: Let me invite you to take your Bible now and move with me to the book of Ephesians, the fifth chapter. And in the manual, page 10, a text that I have playfully entitled,
00:09: When a Man Loves a Woman, or How to Be the Husband God Meant You to Be.
00:15: Ephesians chapter 5, verse 25 through verse 33. A moment ago,
00:21: I showed you four things that a husband is asked by God to do in terms of his relationship to his wife and to his children.
00:32: If I were to take that and summarize it in terms of the relationship with a wife and ask what is the marching orders that God gives a man who is living under the lordship of Jesus Christ and committed to being a godly husband, it's two things.
00:49: God calls you to love your wife and God calls you to know your wife.
00:54: You're to love her and you are to know her. The loving part is in Ephesians 5.
01:01: The knowledge part comes from 1 Peter chapter 3 and verse 7. But interestingly,
01:07: God does not leave it to our imagination, gentlemen, to understand or to flesh out what that love looks like.
01:15: He is specific in giving us detailed instruction as to how it is we are to love this lady in our life.
01:23: He says, first of all, our love should be sacrificial. Verse 25, husbands, love your wives.
01:31: Another present imperative, word of command, continuous action, love your wives, how?
01:38: Just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her.
01:44: It's interesting. Paul grounds the love of a husband for his wife in the redemptive action of Christ.
01:52: There is your model. There is your source. There is your foundation. The redemptive work of Christ becomes the basis for how a man learns and lives out a love relationship with his wife.
02:06: The word agape has with it primarily, though not exclusively, the idea of volition.
02:14: In other words, it's not that you love your wife emotionally, though there's nothing wrong with that. I still get the goosebumps on my arms and the rapid beating of my heart and flush cheeks when
02:24: I am around my wife. I still feel that way many times after 28 years of marriage, though I don't always feel like that.
02:32: I don't feel like that when she doesn't act like Jesus. I don't feel like that at all when she is not being the spiritual woman that she ought to be.
02:39: But that does not then give me an excuse for not loving her. No, I'm not to love her if she's lovely.
02:45: I'm not to love her because she does lovely things. No, I'm to love her, period. I'm to love her anyway.
02:52: I'm to love her even when she is not lovely. But you see, here's the problem.
02:59: We get caught up into thinking like the world. Now, the world's not against love.
03:04: The world just has a jaundiced view of love. It's really rooted in a give and take kind of view.
03:11: In other words, I will love you as long as I am pretty confident that I'm going to get something back in return.
03:19: And I've discovered in life, guys, that sometimes you get back in return more than you than you bargained for.
03:25: I heard about a young man that went to a drugstore, walked up to the drug and he said,
03:30: Sir, I would like to purchase from you three boxes of candy, one pound, three pound, five pound box of candy.
03:36: The druggist said, Well, I can do that, but can I ask you why? He said,
03:42: Oh, I'll be glad to tell you. I have a date tonight with the most beautiful girl in our high school.
03:47: I mean, she is drop dead gorgeous. She is a babe. I've been in love with her for a long time and I finally worked up enough nerve to ask her out for a date.
03:58: And she said yes. Now unfortunately, the first date is going over to her house.
04:04: I've got to meet her mom and dad and we're going to have dinner. But you know, if I can maneuver things just right after we've had dinner,
04:12: I'm going to try to get her out of the house out on their front porch because there's a swing out there.
04:17: It's really quite romantic. And if I can get out there alone with her, I've got some real aspirations for this first date.
04:25: And you know, if before the night's out, she lets me just reach over and kind of hold her hand for a while.
04:30: I think I'm going to give her that one pound box of candy when I leave it as a gift. But you know, if before the night's over,
04:37: I get to get my arm around her and I kind of squeeze her a little bit, I think I'm going to give her that three pound box of candy as a gift.
04:45: But if before the night comes to an end, I get to give her a big kiss right on her mouth.
04:52: She is going to get that five pound box of candy as a gift. Well, the druggist sold him his three boxes of candy, wished him good luck, and he went home.
05:01: And now, guys, listen to me. I don't care if you've been married for 50 or 60 years. This guy did what every smart guy will do before he dates his girl.
05:12: He took a shower and he used some shampoo and some soap. He got out of that shower and he brushed his teeth.
05:19: He used some mouthwash. He put on deodorant. He put on cologne. He put on nice, clean clothes.
05:24: And guys, at least I have discovered that women like us better if we smell good and taste good.
05:31: Amen, ladies. Amen. So we need to do those things if you want to be a smart guy in your dating relationship.
05:37: So he did the smart stuff, goes over to the house and they visit for a few minutes in the family room and then they go into the dining room to have dinner and they sit down and the father looks at the young man and says, why don't you ask our blessing?
05:50: And folks, this young man knew how to give a blessing. He prayed five, he prayed 10, he prayed 15 minutes for that meal and finally he said, amen.
06:04: And when he did, his date looked at him and she said, my, I had no idea that you were so spiritual.
06:11: He said, yes, I had no idea your daddy was the druggist either. Yes, sometimes that selfish love will get you more than you were bargaining for.
06:28: And he learned the hard way. No, that's not the kind of love the Bible is talking about.
06:33: I'll give as long as I know I'm getting something back in return. No, no, no. You love her in the same way
06:40: Christ loved you when he died for you. You weren't lovely. You had nothing to offer.
06:47: He loved you as a sheer act of mercy and grace in the same way, gentlemen.
06:54: That is how we are called by God to love our wives. But now, secondly, though, this love has a sanctifying aspect.
07:01: It says in verse twenty five, he gave himself for her that he might look at these words now, sanctify, set apart, cleanse, purify her with the washing of water by the word that he might present her to himself, a glorious church, not having a spot, a wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and without blemish.
07:27: Now, you say, Danny, that makes sense with Christ in the church. How does that work in marriage like this?
07:35: Because your wife is married to you, gentlemen. She is encouraged, she is motivated and she is enabled to grow to be more like the
07:47: Lord Jesus. You see, that's what it means to be sanctified. That's what it means to be holy. It means you are being conformed more and more to the image of Christ.
07:57: And so a great question for a man to ask himself is this because my wife is married to me.
08:03: Does that help her? Or hinder her in becoming more like Christ, the
08:12: Bible says, our love, gentlemen, should be a sanctifying kind of love. But then thirdly, it should be a sensitive kind of love.
08:20: Verse twenty eight husbands, you ought the word connotes a moral imperative. It is your moral duty to love your wife as your own body.
08:31: Why? Because the one who loves his wife loves himself. His argument is something like this.
08:38: You're sensitive to you. You look after you, you take note of you, you know, when you're having a good day or a bad day, you know, when you're feeling great or feeling poorly, you know what's going on in your life in the same way you need to know what's going on in the life of your wife.
08:55: I say this way. God calls a man to develop a a marital radar system.
09:02: And your radar system is constantly looking for and picking up on any kind of blip on the screen that comes from your wife so that, you know, if she's having a good day or a bad day, you know, if something is troubling her, if things are just seemingly going wonderfully well and you are just sensitive, as I said earlier, to the look on that face, to that body language, to the tone of the voice, you just are picking up those signals because you have developed a healthy marital radar system because you are sensitive to what is going on in the life of your wife.
09:37: Now, most men are not naturally wired to do this. I grant it is something we need to ask
09:44: God to help us do and is something that we develop over time.
09:50: But it is worth the effort of developing that marital radar system, becoming sensitive.
09:56: But then fourthly, your love should be satisfying. He says in verse twenty nine, no one ever hated his own flesh, but he nourishes and cherishes.
10:06: Both of those are our present tense participles, which again speak of continuous habitual action.
10:12: You are about the business day in and day out of nourishing, feeding, if you like, cherishing, honoring, if you like, you are nourishing and cherishing your wife just as the
10:26: Lord does the church. In other words, your love feeds your wife and your love lets your wife know that she has an honored position in your heart and in your life.
10:38: She does feel special in your life. But then fifthly, your love should be specific.
10:46: Verse thirty one. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and he shall be joined.
10:53: He shall cleave it. It means to be glued to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.
11:01: Of course, Paul is quoting Genesis to twenty four. Jesus said the same thing in Matthew 19.
11:07: So we are to leave and cleave because the two become one. This is a great mystery,
11:13: Paul says. But I am speaking both of marriage and family, but also Christ and the church.
11:19: But nevertheless, let's bring it to a sum. Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself.
11:26: Can I read that again slower? Let each one of you.
11:33: In particular, so love his own wife as himself, you're to love your wife specifically, which means what, man?
11:46: It means your wife knows. Your kids know. Your friends know, even your enemies know you are a one woman.
11:58: Kind of man. You're in love with and you're devoted and committed to only one lady, and that one lady is your wife,
12:09: I made a commitment to Charlotte over twenty eight years ago. I've honored all of the days of our marriage.
12:15: That commitment was this. I will never again be alone with a woman other than you.
12:21: And I've honored that commitment all these years. Now, I've been accused of being a sexist.
12:28: I've been accused of being something along the lines of a Neanderthal. In fact, Mike, you'll find this interesting.
12:34: When I went to Southern Seminary and was introduced to the faculty, somebody asked a question in this context.
12:39: And so I just laid out my conviction. I said, and by the way, if any one of you violates that,
12:44: I will ask the president to fire you because I don't want you around. Well, Dr.
12:50: Moeller, the president of Southern Seminary, got an anonymous letter, which, of course, means it came from a coward because cowards write anonymous letters.
12:58: Don't you ever write an anonymous letter? Hope God judges you if you do, because it means you are a wimp and you have no courage, and if you can't stick your name to it, then don't send it.
13:08: All right. Well, anyway, some coward sent him a letter and said, boy, you've made a bad call here. This young man that is now going to be our dean has, quote, psycho sexual hang ups, and he is in need of therapy.
13:20: But I bless you. Psycho sexual hang ups in need of therapy. Now you say, well, what do you think about that?
13:26: Well, I don't think I have psycho sexual hang ups. I don't think I'm in need of therapy.
13:32: I don't really think I'm a sexist. I'll tell you this, you can call me anything you want to. As long as I go to my grave.
13:40: Having been faithful to my covenant commitment to my wife, Charlotte, now you say, well, you must be scared of women if you won't be alone with one.
13:49: No, I'm not scared of women. I'm scared of me. You see, you'll help me fill in the blank.
13:56: The Bible says that King David was a man after what? God's own heart.
14:04: But here's a little formula that you need to write down somewhere and you need to teach this little formula to your children.
14:10: Goes like this. The wrong person plus the wrong place plus the wrong time will always equal the wrong thing happening.
14:24: I'll say it again. Wrong person, wrong place, wrong time will equal the wrong thing happening.
14:37: David was with the wrong person at the wrong place. At the wrong time.
14:43: And he lied. Adultery. And he murdered. Now, you might say, well, my heart is more turned toward the
14:53: Lord than David. I wouldn't say that. I'm not that arrogant. I think
14:59: David loved the Lord with all of his heart, with all of his soul, with all of his strength. And yet I don't care how much you love the
15:06: Lord. You step into the place of temptation like that and the wrong thing will happen.
15:13: So in my life, I just put in place and I'll talk about this more tomorrow morning, multiple fences that will keep me from ever jumping that final fence that would land me into the world of immorality and adultery.
15:28: And guys, in the day and age in which we live, I just don't think you can be too cautious or too careful in this area of loving your wife in such a way.
15:37: There's just no question by anyone anywhere that you are a one woman kind of man.
15:44: You say, Danny, you don't counsel women alone. No, you don't take women out to lunch or dinner.
15:51: No, you won't ride alone in the car. No, no, no, no, no.
15:57: In fact, playfully and I'm being playful, but truthful. Had I had a rent car today and I was driving over here in this lovely
16:07: New England weather and I had seen you walking down the road as a female getting drenched,
16:14: I would not have stopped and picked you up. Now I would have stopped and I would have let you have my car and I would have made you give your word before the
16:25: Lord Jesus that you would send somebody back later to pick me up. And unless it is a matter of life and death,
16:35: I'm not going to compromise that conviction because, again, Mike can tell you there's just too much immorality today in the ministry.
16:47: And of course, what's happening up here is even more prevalent out there. And I'm tired.
16:54: I'm fatigued. I am weary of looking into the faces and into the eyes of heartbroken spouses and children.
17:02: I just am. And I know that what breaks their heart just crushes the heart of God and therefore, men, you love your wife specifically, but then also the
17:15: Bible says that you care for her by knowing her. And I'll just cite the verse for you. First, Peter, three, seven says,
17:21: Husbands live with your wives according to knowledge.
17:26: That's the King James. The NIV says live with them with understanding.
17:32: That's fine. You're to know this woman. You're to understand this woman.
17:38: Now you say, well, Danny, we've already acknowledged that that's a pretty tough assignment. Yes, but the Bible helps us.
17:44: And when you serve a scripture, go back and look at Genesis one and to move through the
17:49: Proverbs, move through the song of Solomon, move through first Corinthians seven, work through Ephesians five,
17:57: Colossians three, first Peter three. I've come up with seven principles that I have found in scripture that will help us understand how it is that God has put our wives together and how it is that as we pursue these seven things, we can be a wonderful, wonderful blessing to our mate.
18:19: Take the outline and turn over to page 11, because what you will see is those seven things at the bottom of page 10 fleshed out a little bit more fully there on page 11.
18:29: And so I'm just going to talk about each of them for a moment. You can see the scriptures that ground and found and provide a foundation for these.
18:37: But guys, I have been doing this now for over 15 years, I guess pushing close to 20 now.
18:44: I have talked to thousands and thousands and thousands of men and women across the country.
18:50: I've never had even one lady tell me, I don't agree with that.
18:56: I don't care about those kind of things, but I've had dozens that would take the time to come see me afterwards and say, you know, you're exactly right.
19:05: That is how God has wired me on the inside. And it would bless me if my husband were to pursue these seven things in our relationship.
19:15: And I do think that they have a priority to them, beginning with number one and working its way down to number seven, though I think all of them are important.
19:24: So, number one, you need to bless her by being a spiritual leader, a man of courage and conviction and commitment, strong, masculine words, a compassionate character, more gracious words.
19:37: In other words, I've learned in life sometimes my wife needs me to be very, very strong, like a rock that won't move.
19:45: But other times she just needs me to be gentle. She needs me to be approachable. She just needs me to kind of wrap my arms around her and hold.
19:53: I don't need to say anything. In fact, I don't need to say anything. I just need to hold her. And by doing that,
19:59: I provide for her strength and sustenance that she needs for me. But God has wired a woman in such a way that more than anything else, she wants to have in her life a man of God.
20:13: Now, I mentioned a moment ago, it doesn't take a great intellect. It just takes a great heart, a heart that is passionate about the things of the word of God, a heart that is passionate about Christ.
20:25: And guys, let me tell you something. Listen to me. A good woman is probably worth her weight in gold, but a good man is worth twice his weight in gold.
20:36: You say, why? It's called the law of supply and demand. There are not enough of them.
20:44: There are not enough of them. Male bashing has been a favorite
20:51: American sport for about the last 20 to 30 years. It's a little bit better now, but still, it's out there, but it kind of reached an apex in the 1990s, and it may have really kind of had the quintessential point of, oh,
21:11: I guess, high point, the apex in a magazine article.
21:17: You can go check it out. It was the February the 14th, 1994 edition of Time Magazine, their
21:26: Valentine's edition. Cover of the magazine, the body of a man.
21:32: Attached to that body, you will see the head of a pig. And the lead of that cover story is this, are men really that bad?
21:45: And the article concludes and says, yes, yes. To use my good southern vernacular, they are scum -sucking dogs.
21:57: When you count on them, they don't show up. When you put your trust in them, they will break your heart, depend upon them, and they will let you down.
22:10: Now, guys, if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ, and he really is the
22:17: Lord of your life, there is no way you can be satisfied with anything remotely approaching that kind of manhood.
22:28: In fact, that's not manhood at all. Maybe the way a dog lives, actually, dogs are probably more loyal than that.
22:36: No, God has called you to a higher level. God has called you to a different lifestyle.
22:43: God has called you to be, if you like, the pastor of your home.
22:49: And one day, gentlemen, all of us will stand before God and give an account for how we shepherded our marriage and our family.
22:57: And I will tell you, you will bless your wife and children beyond words if they can see in your life that you are indeed a man of God.
23:08: I am finite. I am flawed. I make mistakes.
23:14: I say and do really dumb stuff on a fairly regular basis. But my wife and my four sons,
23:21: I think, would tell you, we do know that daddy loves the Lord and that anytime he does those dumb, foolish things, he is grieved, he is bothered, he wants to be different, he wants to be better.
23:37: He really does, more than anything, want to bring honor to the name of Christ. He really does.
23:43: And if you do that and acknowledge, by the way, when you fail and when you come up short, God will honor that and you'll be a blessing to your mate and children.
23:53: But now, secondly, you also can bless her by giving her personal affirmation and appreciation.
23:58: I like this paragraph, so let me read it for you. Praise her for personal attributes and qualities.
24:05: Praise her virtues as a wife, a mother, and a homemaker. It's underlined for a reason, gentlemen.
24:13: Openly commend her in the presence of others as a marvelous mate and friend and lover and companion.
24:22: Help her feel that to you, no one is more important in this world.
24:28: And you read Proverbs 31, 28 and 29, you go through the Song of Solomon and you will find that Solomon was a master.
24:36: And the author of Proverbs 31 was a master of praising publicly for all to hear what a wonderful, wonderful woman he believed he had in his life.
24:47: Now, here's the deal, gentlemen. Most men, I do believe, appreciate their wives.
24:53: But that's not the issue. The issue is, does your wife feel appreciated?
25:02: I received this card one day, did not come from here. I got it about five years ago.
25:07: But before I went to a church, some lady, it's anonymous, so I don't know from whom it came, but this one's different.
25:17: She wrote me, tracked me down, found out my name, found out my address, and she wrote me this card before I came to their church to do a marriage seminar.
25:25: Just listen to what she wrote. Dear Dr. Akin, I hope you receive my card before the marriage conference at our church.
25:34: And let me go ahead. I don't think she's a coward. I think she's scared, though, which is why she didn't put her name on it.
25:41: I recently married a member of the church. He will be attending the seminar. This past Valentine's Day, he did not acknowledge that romantic holiday, and I was very hurt.
25:54: I watched as my co -workers received flowers. To make things worse, he joked about it in front of one of my friends.
26:02: My mom told me I should have known what to expect since he never gave me flowers while we were dating.
26:10: This may sound selfish and petty on my part. I'm just so discouraged. After I come home from my job,
26:17: I do all the housework, the cooking, and the shopping. I wouldn't mind so much if he would just occasionally show his appreciation.
26:29: The only time he has ever given me a gift is on my birthday and Christmas. It would mean so much to me if just once he would give me something just because he loves me.
26:45: I exercise and I try to look nice. I iron all his clothes and I cook his favorite meals.
26:51: He has thousands of dollars to invest in the stock market, but he has never spent $1 on a romantic gift for me.
27:01: I know flowers will eventually wilt, but they are so beautiful. I'm afraid my love will eventually wilt.
27:08: Will you pray for me? I bet you if I met this guy, whoever he is, and I asked him, do you appreciate your wife?
27:21: He would say, yeah, man, I appreciate her. She's a wonderful lady. It's not the issue. The issue is, does she feel appreciated?
27:31: I gave you some things you can do there at number two, but just to help you out a little bit more, if you look over on page 12 and page 13, and I'm just going to note it.
27:40: This is from Gary Chapman's book Toward a Growing Marriage. Gary did some survey work and just simply said both to husbands and to wives, what are some things that your mate can do that, as you see there, will make romance and sex relations more meaningful, but you'll also discover that for a woman gentleman, that very clearly ties into this issue of feeling appreciated and affirmed.
28:04: Now, here's what's interesting. In our last session, I'll have another list for the guys, so we can tell the ladies, well, sweetheart, here's what
28:12: I want you to do. Now, here's what's fascinating. It is to me. The guy list is an
28:19: I list. When you read over there, you'll see over and over and over. It's how you look, what you wear, what you don't wear, how you fix your face, how you don't fix your face, and all that kind of stuff.
28:31: It's really kind of interesting. There ain't one thing on this list about how you look, guys. Now, don't misunderstand me.
28:37: We're already saying they care how you look, they care how you smell, they care how you taste, but not like we do.
28:42: No, no, no, no, no, because they're much more creatures of the heart. So you find things on here, like be sympathetic when
28:49: I'm sick, accept me when you see the worst side of me, or like number seven, say you love me at times other than when we're in bed and phone sometimes just to say,
29:00: I love you. And don't be ashamed to say I love you in front of others or look at number eight while I'm bathing or showering, find soft music on the radio, dim the lights, light a candle.
29:09: I mean, what's that all about, ladies? That's like a seance, isn't it? You say no.
29:18: So warm bath and I know women like candles and warm baths and not so fine.
29:23: Every now and then you ought to try something like that. But that number seven, just phone sometimes.
29:29: I was speaking one time in Laurel, Mississippi. Never forget it, because the next day this pretty young lady came up to me and she said,
29:38: Brother Danny, my husband, he listened to you last night. I said, well, how do you know?
29:45: She said, well, we've been married for like seven years, and he has never called me from work hardly ever.
29:54: But today, he called me five times. And I was pretty proud.
30:00: You know, Mike, you know, when we preach, we hope they're listening. But we don't really know, do we?
30:06: I mean, we're giving it our best and we're saying, look, DeVeers, I studied for hours, and so we do our best and sometimes, but sometimes, but anyway.
30:14: So somebody listened. I felt good. Somebody had listened. Somebody had actually acted on what I encouraged him to do.
30:20: So I got a little prideful. I was kind of feeling good about myself. And the Lord put a thought in my mind, very strong thought, and he said, all right, you ask her what he said.
30:32: And I said, well, I don't think I need to know. You ask her what he said.
30:37: So I said, well, I'm curious. What did he say? And she said, well, you know, not that much.
30:45: In fact, now that I think about it, each conversation only lasted about one minute, and he pretty much said the same thing every time.
30:55: You know, he might have had it written down for all I know. He said, how are you doing? I was thinking about you.
31:02: I hope you're having a good day. I love you. I'll talk to you later. Boom, and he hung up the phone five times.
31:10: So I'm not feeling so good anymore. And so I say to her, well, I'm sorry. I wish it had worked out better than that.
31:17: And she said, no, no, no, no. It was wonderful. She said, just the fact that he took the time to call, that means everything.
31:29: She got this big old grin on her face, and she said, we can work on the words later.
31:39: If he doesn't call, we don't even have anything to work on. So guys,
31:45: I know you appreciate her, but that's not the issue. By the things you say and the things you do, does your wife feel appreciated?
31:57: All right, go back number three. Show personal affection or this very mysterious word to a male, romance.
32:06: Now, let me read the paragraph. Then we're going to stay here a while, gentlemen. This is going to be your painful part of the two days.
32:14: So just go ahead right now and draw your toes back in so I won't stomp on them too bad, but I'm going to get them anyway.
32:22: So just go ahead and prepare yourself now. It'll be okay. And if you get through it on the backside, it may be grand and glorious.
32:29: So just hang in here with me, all right? Shower her with timely and generous displays of affection.
32:35: Tell her how much you care for her with a steady flow of words and cards and flowers and gifts and just common courtesies.
32:45: And remember, affection is the environment in which sexual union is enjoyed and a wonderful marriage developed.
32:54: Now, let me first of all say, guys, 99 .99
33:00: % of all males walking planet Earth have not got a clue what romance is, at least from your wife's perspective.
33:10: You don't get it. You don't have it. You say, well, I don't appreciate that. I don't care.
33:18: I didn't get it either for a long time because being the typical male, romance for me is a three -letter word,
33:27: S -E -X. And ladies, the man you're married to, I assure you, is no different.
33:33: If you say to your sweet husband, sweetheart, we went to the marriage seminar at the church, and Brother Danny said that we need to work on romance.
33:42: So I want you to know something. Next Friday night, next Friday night, I'm going to plan what will clearly be the most romantic evening, certainly in our marriage and maybe in all of history.
33:53: It's going to be incredible from the time you get home through the evening. It's going to be more than you could ever imagine.
34:00: I just need to tell you one thing, there'll be no sex. He'll do this.
34:07: You know, he will blow all of his computer chips. I mean, he will melt down.
34:13: He will fry his motherboard. I mean, he's through. It's over with because if you say romance and no sex, we can't process that.
34:20: We do not have the hardware to process that kind of data. Okay. It just isn't going to happen.
34:27: But guys, for a woman, it may or may not involve this thing called sex. And so you and I don't get it.
34:33: Now, you say, well, how do you know this? Well, we've been married a little over 10 years and I'm in ministry.
34:39: And so I do a lot of premarital counseling, do marriage counseling. Won't I always get better at what I do? So I was reading a lot of books at this particular time on marriage and all the books said the same thing.
34:50: It didn't matter if it could be a Christian book, could be a secular book, but they all said the same thing. Women need romance.
34:58: Women crave romance. Well, my wife, Charlotte, has always seemed to be pretty happy with me.
35:04: So I came home and wanting a little male pat on the back, I walked into the kitchen area and she was over there doing something.
35:11: I said, honey, you want to ask you a question? Am I romantic?
35:19: She yanked her head around so quickly, I'm amazed that she did not do permanent damage to her neck.
35:28: And she had a look in her eyes I had never seen before, but I knew just like that, you asked the wrong question.
35:37: And so she looks at me and she says, well, let me begin by saying that I do love you.
35:46: Oh, yeah. I could not imagine being married to anybody but you and you're a wonderful, wonderful father to our four sons.
35:56: But now that you ask, my goodness, 10 years, 10 years. No, I don't think you have a romantic bone in your body.
36:07: Well, being, again, a typical male, that hurt my feelings and it made me mad.
36:13: So I looked at her and I said, well, fine. All these books
36:20: I've been reading say you need it. And she said, well, those books are correct. I would love to have it.
36:27: And so I said, well, fine, I might start trying to give it to you sometime. You know, maybe you buy it at Walmart.
36:35: I'm not sure. I don't know where it is, but anyway. And so she said, well, just the fact that you're going to try.
36:41: I kind of found that romantic. And so I said, all right, there's some hope here. Now, I'm glad she's here because she, after this break, in just a few minutes, can bear witness that what
36:53: I'm about to tell you is the absolute truth to the last painful, tragic detail with no embellishment whatsoever.
37:03: It was a Friday night, if I remember correctly. She was lying on the floor watching television.
37:08: I don't remember where the boys were, but she was lying there. Nobody was around. And I thought, you know, this would be a good time to be romantic.
37:16: So I bent over and I began to massage her back and neck, thinking that was a good way to start. She turned around and said, why don't you go and lead me along?
37:25: Quit bothering me. So I stepped back and I said, well,
37:32: I thought that was romantic. And she said, no. It's not romantic now and it won't be romantic later either.
37:41: I knew what that meant too. And so I went ahead and went to bed that night by myself.
37:51: There was no future in staying up late that night. And so Saturday morning rolled around.
37:58: And my wife, still to this day, when she takes a shower, at the end of her shower, she likes to put this stuff on her body called
38:06: Skin So Soft. You familiar with Avon Skin So Soft? There's three things for you, by the way.
38:12: Number one, if you've got dry skin, man, it will slime you up something good. That is some greasy, greasy stuff.
38:20: Number two, it has a pleasant scent to it. It has a sweet smell. If you like sweetness, it has a very sweet smell to it.
38:26: And of course, its most valuable thing is, number three, it is a great insect rep. Yes, sir. Keeps the bugs off of you.
38:32: Now, I don't know for which of the three reasons she uses it, but she uses Skin So Soft. And then she'll take a towel and she wipes the
38:39: Skin So Soft off of her body. So I came into the bedroom and I was still kind of bruised from the night before.
38:45: But, you know, we just hang in there with it. Don't give up. And her towel was lying on the bed. And so I walk over.
38:51: I know this is silly, but I took her towel and I smelled it. And I said, this towel smells like you.
39:00: And she said, now, that's romantic. You right there.
39:11: That's your wife? Go home and tell her this afternoon she smells like a towel. She'll punch you out.
39:19: I mean, she will not think that's romantic. And so I stepped back and I said, look, you don't have to make fun of me.
39:25: I am really trying with this romance thing and you don't have to make fun of me. And she says, I really did think it was romantic.
39:33: And she walks out of the bedroom. Now, the only thing she cannot verify is what happens next, because I'm standing there.
39:39: And I begin to talk to the Lord. And I said, well, Lord, you know, I'm sorry. I am sorry. I would like to give this woman romance.
39:46: I know I'm supposed to give her romance, but I don't know how. I mean, I don't have a clue. And I'm sorry. And she'll just have to do without.
39:53: And I regret that. But there's nothing I can do about it. And the Lord had mercy.
40:00: He did. And I'm like everybody, I've never had an original thought except this one. This is,
40:05: I think, and I've never read it in any other book. If you read it somewhere on these days that predates my God on sex book, then, you know, well, he somebody else had it before he did.
40:13: But just like that, it's like the Lord said, well, here's how it works. And you know what?
40:19: He is right. And I now understand romance. And what I'm about to share with you guys,
40:24: I'm it's worth the two days. It's worth you getting soaked with all that rain out there. It's worth you fighting the gale force winds that are out there.
40:31: It's worth you being here, because if you'll just implement this, it will take your marriage wherever it is and raise it to a much more wonderful level.
40:40: Because here's how the romance thing works. Number one, it's a game.
40:46: Romance is a game. Now, it's a very specific game. Romance is the game of hide and go seek.
40:55: She hides it and you seek it. And that's romance. Now, if you find it, like that brilliant philosopher from Mayberry tells us, it's good.
41:05: It's good. Now, if you don't find it, you've got one of two options. Option number one, you'd be mean and nasty and been out of shape and be miserable the rest of your life.
41:15: I know a lot of men out there like that. Are you remember? It's a game. And she's really good at this game.
41:22: And sometimes when I play, I win. Sometimes I lose.
41:27: But hey, that's the fun of the game. So it is hide and go seek. She hides it. I seek it.
41:32: Now, there's a second part to the game. It is not fair. It is not fair at all.
41:40: But it's their game. We have to play by their rules. And here it is. What is romantic to your wife, say, today?
41:49: It is not romantic tomorrow. That's right. They move it all the time.
41:58: And you find it over here one day and it was so good. You go back the next day. Well, it's not there. No, it is not there.
42:05: And you're looking and you can't find it. And then you turn around and there she is looking at you. And by her eyes, she says, yes, sweetheart,
42:11: I moved the romance. It's somewhere else now. And I'm just waiting to see if you love me enough to look for it all over again.
42:20: Now, guys, they hide it in some weird places. I'm telling you, they hide it, you know, in the kitchen. Oh, yes.
42:26: You help your wife wash the dinner dishes. Oh, my goodness. It's amazing what that does in terms of romance.
42:32: It's hidden in the pantry where the trash can is. You take out the trash and oh, stay with me now.
42:37: And put a new trash bag back in there. You like that, ladies?
42:42: Good idea. Yeah, yeah, I know. I figured that went out at the 20 year mark.
42:48: I don't know, for 20 years. God knows my heart, it never entered my mind.
42:54: It just didn't. And one day I come in and she's not smiling. I mean, I just thought, you know, the the wolves and the foxes and the lions out there to take the trash can out late at night.
43:04: And I'm coming back in feeling good about being the man of the house. And she's just looking at me. And I said, what's wrong?
43:10: She says, have you ever thought about how that trash bag gets replaced? God knows my heart.
43:17: It had never I mean, trash bag fairy. I'm sure I don't know how it gets in there. And she said, you know,
43:23: I've made it really easy. There's there's the whole glad bag thing is right above the trash can on that first shelf. You just go there, you just pull one out, put it in there.
43:32: It's done. You know, it takes 15 seconds and it's worth the 15 second investment.
43:37: So I found out that romance is in the pantry with the trash bag. Again, I don't know where your woman hides it.
43:43: They don't they don't tell each other. That's what they don't tell each other. It's their own little individual game. But I'm just telling you, make it a game kind of watch or kind of study or kind of figure out where she starts putting that stuff in different places.
43:55: And I'm telling you, if you just try to find it, she finds it romantic. And when you do find it, oh, my goodness, it's so blesses her heart.
44:03: You say, well, why does she find it romantic if I'm just trying? Because it lets her know you care. It lets her know you're willing to put in the time and the effort to do things that speak to her heart.
44:16: So romance, he will take a marriage wherever it is, make it even better. Now, let me put four and five together because they really go together.
44:24: Initiate intimate conversation. And as you do, be honest and open, speaking the truth in love.
44:31: But now go back to that first line of number four, talk with her at the feeling level, heart to heart and listen to her thoughts.
44:38: That is her heart about the events of her day. Guys, you know, by now, if you've been married for just three months, you know already that your wife is a master of code language, code language.
44:54: The words mean nothing. It is the feeling behind the words that means everything.
45:02: But sometimes we're just a little dull, aren't we? Just a little dance. Don't get it. You know, you'll come home one day from work and you'll walk into the kitchen and give her a kiss on the cheek and you'll say, sweetheart, how's your day been?
45:13: And she'll say, fine. Now, is that fine mean fine? No, that fine meant bad.
45:20: But you didn't pay attention, did you? So you go in the family room, get that wonderful male therapy device, the remote control, and off you go.
45:30: ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN News, Headline News, CNN, MSNBC, Fox, the weather channel.
45:40: Got to do the weather channel too. So you're back and forth. And I'll tell you, I do it. My blood pressure goes down. My pulse rate decreases.
45:48: But three hours later, it hits me. She didn't fix me any supper. And men get sensitive when they get hungry.
45:57: It's an amazing thing. So you now make your way back to the bedroom carefully, cautiously, stick your head in there and you say, sweetheart, is anything bothering you?
46:09: And what does she say? No. But does no mean no? No. No means yes.
46:17: It also means this. You weren't interested in finding out three hours ago. I ain't about to tell you now, sweet Jesus will come back to this earth before, you know, what's bothering me.
46:32: That's right. You're going to have to wait till the rapture. It's not going to find out till then. Now you could say, if you want, well, she shouldn't act like that.
46:39: Well, you should have been listening because in her female way, she kind of screamed at you when she got that kiss on the cheek.
46:48: I've had a bad day and you know, I've discovered if you will just sit down, no mail, no paper, no
46:55: TV, no nothing. And just lock in with her eye to eye and heart to heart. Just let her talk.
47:01: It can revolutionize the whole evening because you were interested in initiating intimate conversation.
47:10: Now you say, well, Danny, I'm not wired that way. Well, grow up and get over it. I'm sorry. I don't think stick, you know, well,
47:17: I'm just not worried. I just don't like to talk. We'll learn to talk. Well, I don't like to get feely feely. I don't give a rip.
47:25: And God really now God does give a rip, but in a different way. Now, you can't do that, guys.
47:31: You know, it's like my friend says there comes a time in a man's life where the little boy sits down and the man stands up and you do what you're supposed to do, whether you feel like it or not.
47:40: And after a while, believe it or not, you might begin to enjoy it, but you don't do things because you enjoy it.
47:46: You do it because it's right before God. You learn to be a good listener and you force yourself, if necessary, to become a conversationalist as well.
47:55: Well, let me put six and seven together. They go together to provide home support and stability and demonstrate family commitment and look at the first line of number seven after the
48:06: Lord Jesus. Put your wife and your family first. Now, I speak to perspective and incoming students all the time.
48:18: And especially first year students, I get a chance to talk to them about their marriages as they begin seminary, and here's what
48:24: I tell them. I want you as you're here at seminary to be working very diligently in cultivating your priorities, and I'm convinced that the
48:34: Bible provides a clear delineation of priorities. I don't think there's any question that your first and foremost priority as a believer is your relationship with the
48:44: God and Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. There's your number one essential, non -negotiable, always number one relationship.
48:54: But after that, I believe comes your relationship with your family, your marriage and your children.
49:00: And then after that becomes your relationship with your church, because God did ordain both the family first and then the church.
49:08: And so Christ, wife, kids, church. And then number five, I tell my students, is your time here at Southeastern Seminary.
49:16: Now, I have students come to me. I did the same thing when I was at Southern. Same thing. I'd have guys come to me, say, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on time out.
49:22: You're telling me that I've moved hundreds, thousands of miles for my fifth priority.
49:27: They kind of bow up on me. And I'll say, no, I hope you came here because of your first priority, the
49:33: Lord Jesus. I said, you need to listen to me and you hear me well. God is not calling you to sacrifice your wife and your kids on the altar of a seminary education.
49:44: He is not calling you to do that. And there's no argument that you can make that will hold any water.
49:51: And I tell them, my goal for you is that when you do graduate from this school, you will love your wife more and you'll love your kids more, they'll love you more, and they'll look at me on graduation day and say, we hate leaving because our time here was wonderful.
50:07: Not only did daddy get an education, but it was just a great time. We love being here and seminary did not steal daddy away.
50:16: Our ministry did not take my husband away. Now, for some of you, you say, well,
50:23: I don't have I'm not I'm not going to send there. No, you've got a job. You're saying, wait, wait, wait, you're telling me my job is my fifth priority only if you're going to walk with God.
50:32: So, well, you don't know what I've got to live with. I don't really care. I don't really care. I don't like excuses.
50:39: I don't like whiners. You do what you choose to do, every one of you, and if you are sacrificing your marriage and your kids on the altar of your job, you are playing the fool.
50:55: You're giving your best time to something that in the long run is not going to pay off at the end.
51:02: Put it in my own life. I'm the president of a seminary. I sit in a really nice chair in a really nice office.
51:07: But about 15 to 20 years from now, if God gives me that many years, I will retire and maybe they'll give me a watch or a ring or a clock.
51:18: They'll give me a box that I can put all my stuff in and I'll leave that last day with a cardboard box full of stuff.
51:26: And on Monday, somebody else will be sitting in my chair. Welcome to the real world.
51:34: Now, I'm going to give my very best time and energy to that, and it's a good thing.
51:39: Don't miss it. It's a good thing. Now, I don't think so. I don't think so, no.
51:45: Everything is going to be bathed around the Lordship of Jesus Christ. And in doing that, I come to understand he really expects me to nourish my relationship with my wife.
51:55: He really expects me if I disciple anybody. It is I'm going to disciple my sons.
52:03: Others, I'll get to, but they come first. And see, in the day and age in which we live, boy, is the world not looking for marriages and families that really look different?
52:13: They really are. And you will bless your wife beyond words when she knows that outside of Christ, in fact, no, because of Christ.
52:25: Nothing this side of heaven matters more to you than she and those children that God has given you.
52:33: So you put the family first. You provide a foundation of support and stability, and you will be a wonderful, marvelous blessing to the lady and the children that God has given you.
52:48: Let's pray. Heavenly Father, help us, help we men to take these things to heart and live them out to your glory and to the blessing of our mate.