TLP 567: Parenting Your Kids to Adulthood, Part 7 | The Transition

You only have the kids you have. They're not experiments. You need to worship the Lord by faithfully parenting them into the maturity He desires of them. Parenting isn't about us. In fact parenting isn't even about our kids.

Parenting as Worship and the Goal of Maturity

Parenting is just one way Christian dads and moms are to worship God. So welcome to the truth love parent podcast where we train dads and moms to give God the preeminence in their parenting. Welcome to our final episode in this short series about parenting your kids to adulthood.

I'm so glad you've walked this road with us. If you haven't heard all the episodes though I strongly encourage you to start from the beginning and work your way through. But you know, what's even more important than walking this road with me.

It's walking this road with your kids. Let's be honest It's very easy to listen to a podcast and to learn. It's pretty easy to understand the material if it's presented well, and if you're working to comprehend it.

But wisdom is not the accumulation of knowledge it nor is it just vast understanding. Wisdom is the application to life. Of what we know and understand wisdom is using the information we have in Christ honoring ways.

That means that it's no good to learn the motivations and methods of parenting your kids to adulthood if you're not doing it. So today's episode is our last attempt for now to make this super practical so that you have no excuse to not put it into practice.

To that end our free episode notes transcript and related resources will help you take your parenting to the next biblical level so that you Can better worship the Lord in your parenting while you spiritually benefit your children.

Sponsors and Episode Resources

But before we dive in I do want to take a quick moment to thank our sponsors who have committed to this series from the Beginning. The first is the great homeschool convention, which will be in Greenville, South Carolina for March 13th to the 15th.

I'll be exhibiting and speaking at this conference. Then from May 22nd through the 24th in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, the thrive homeschool conference will take place. I'll also be exhibiting and speaking at that conference.

Of course we have my pillow who is offering deep discounts and supreme specials to all evermind ministries listeners. All you have to do is visit my pillow comm and use a coupon code evermind at checkout.

If you visit my pillow comm forward slash evermind. I believe the coupon code will be automatically applied for you. And finally, I would like to tell you about quit how to stop family strife for good.

We all have strife in our families because we all have people in our families and the Bible teaches that all people are sinners. And that strife is the unavoidable consequence of sin. Since strife is absolutely everywhere I wrote this short book to collect and present what the Bible has to say about the cure for strife.

You can buy it for a limited time on Amazon for only ten dollars and you can get the digital version on the evermind app. For only eight dollars and those are our sponsors for the day. Now let's wrap up the loose ends talk about how to transition our new young adults to higher levels of spiritual maturity and answer your questions number one.

Transitioning an Immature Child Toward Adulthood

Transitioning an immature child to young or we could say immature adulthood. Let's start by reminding ourselves of a few scripture passages that all utilize an important Greek word for children in 1st Corinthians 3 1 Paul writes.

I brothers was not able to speak to you as to spiritual men. But as to fleshly men as to infants in Christ. Hebrews 5 13 through 14 says something very similar for everyone who partakes only of milk is not Accustomed to the word of righteousness for he is an infant but solid food is for the mature who because of practice have their senses trained to discern both good and evil.

And. Then the verse we've referenced many times in this series 1st Corinthians 11 13 when I was a child I used to speak like a child think like a child reason like a child. When I became a man I did away with childish things.

And. In Ephesians 4 14 through 15 Paul tells us that we are no longer to be Children tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine by the trickery of men by craftiness and deceitful scheming.

But speaking the truth in love we are to grow up in all aspects into him. Who is it the head that is Christ. So we see here again this contrasting between being a child and being mature. Children are immature.

Adults are mature. But remember adults aren't as mature as they should be. We're all growing and we're all in process. So here are a couple points. I should have emphasized more in the previous episodes.

I'm gonna frame them here these lessons in a metaphor. How do you know your child is mature enough to carry and use a pocketknife? They're obviously not going to be the most mature knife handler in the world before you let them have one.

So, how do you know they're mature enough? Well, you shouldn't just give them one if you haven't taught them how to use it correctly. You shouldn't give it to them if you haven't taught them about the many dangers that come with using one.

Within that teaching you have to do a lot of reproof early on because it's all new information and wielding a knife is no laughing matter. So you teach and reprove teach and reprove and you take the knife back when the lesson is over because they're still learning.

Over time the child becomes more adept and more trustworthy. Eventually you decide to allow your child to carry the knife with them as long as they will abide by the rules. You've given them for the times and ways.

They're allowed to use the knife. Of course, you're always providing accountability. You should never expect that what you're too lazy to inspect. So since you're checking up on them when and if your child doesn't follow the rules there needs to be more reproof.

Given the danger of carrying a knife and the potential real harm the reproof likely needs to be accompanied by consequences. Potentially losing knife privileges for a time. Now we would hope that the child becomes more and more trustworthy as he or she consistently uses the knife the right way.

The more faithful they are the more we trust them to make wise decisions with their knives in different situations. Now this is not to say that they will never mess up or make another foolish decision or hurt themselves and the like.

But there's a natural progression from foolish untrustworthy and dangerous to wise trustworthy and careful. So, yes, that's the metaphor and yes, of course all of that can be applied practically to giving your child a knife.

That's basically the process I went through with giving my children knives. But I want to replace the knife in this example with something else. However, instead of replacing the knife with an item or an experience. I want to replace it with the concept of independence.

We would be utter fools to give an infant complete independence from us the parents they would die. They are completely incapable of caring for themselves let alone making any wise decisions. But there should definitely come a time when our children can brush their teeth independently.

And I mean in the right way and for the right reasons they should be able to independently make wise eating choices. They should be able to independently make wise entertainment choices friend choices school choices and the like.

Our goal as parents is to give them the tool of independence as they prove they are able to wield it safely for the glory of God. But here's the thing. Just like you need to actually hand your child your young child a knife in order to determine if they are old enough to learn.

To use it wisely and you have to let them hold on to it for a while in order to determine if they are wise. Enough to wield it well without your direct supervision. You have to do the same with independence.

You cannot know if your child is mature enough to make independent choices if you never allow them to make independent choices. In fact, I would argue that a child cannot learn to make Christ-honoring independent choices without actually being required to make those Christ-honoring independent choices.

All of this to say at some point we need to stop doing everything and mandating everything for them. We have to stop making all of their decisions. We have to stop protecting them from everything and we have to start preparing them to protect themselves.

We have an episode called prepare your kids. Don't protect them fighting the urge to shelter your kids. The link for that episode will be in the description with all the other resource links today. Now this is super hard for parents to do.

On one hand. There often is a very subtle spectrum from complete inability to complete ability. Regardless of the discipline it may take years for the child to move from utter ineptitude to competent proficiency.

But the other temptation is that many kids who should be proficient who could be proficient simply don't want to be and so there's this two-edged temptation for parents to just continue dictating everything in their child's life because the child.

The parents don't believe the child capable or mature enough to actually do it. On the other hand There are also too many parents who thrust their children into independence where the child is completely in control of every facet of their lives.

And even though the child proves he's not ready yet. Often many times over the parents are too detached and or lazy to really care. And of course, there's every possible shade in between those extremes.

So in order to simplify this point if we are teaching our kids how they can know God's will for their lives and then actually Submit to that will for in their lives. We absolutely need to give them opportunities to move from mere knowledge and understanding to actual wise usage.

We have to step back and let them take that step. Sure, we're there to help them if they fall but we're preparing them to know God and follow him for themselves. When they succeed, we praise the Lord applaud and continue teaching when they fail.

We reprove if they're mature enough to want to change and do better. We can then start correcting them and when they have proven themselves willing participants who are faithfully becoming more and more trustworthy.

Our job becomes training. Just so you know what I just said about teaching reproving. Correcting and training is a very quick overview of our parents five job series. Which is an overview of our biblical parenting essential series.

By the way, thank you for making it to our final episode in this series I'd like to reward all of you for your hard work and give you free access to the biblical parenting essentials conference. Which is available to watch on the evermind app.

Just follow the link in the description.

Okay.

So this slow progression from greater dependency to greater Independency is the process of parenting your kids to adulthood when you have a biblical mindset about the necessity of the trajectory and the time frame in which God created their maturity to happen and When you understand the biblical definition of adulthood and when you recognize the biblical expectations.

The process of working them toward greater and greater responsibility and independence makes a lot more sense. Now before we get to your questions, let me preemptively answer some of the questions. I've encountered in the past first.

Let's start with those of you who have kids younger than 13. Regardless of whether your kids are professing Christians or not and regardless of how old they are Currently you really should start parenting your kids to adulthood by daily parenting them in the gospel teaching them who their creator is.

Helping them understand who they are and how they must submit to him and calling them to really believe those truths and thereby Live them out. You also need to give them opportunities to make those decisions.

Whether they fail or succeed the process and how you parent them through it is vital. Now if your kids are professing Christians and they're younger than 13 I would say you're in an even better place because for the first time in their lives if they truly are born again They are actually capable of biblical obedience the real spiritual maturity.

They can now finally do the things in the right ways for the right reasons and in the right power. Now you can learn about biblical obedience and the absolute necessity of spiritual life in our teach your children to obey series.

Like we've discussed you need to set an expectation for your kids that they need to be moving into consistent maturity as they turn 13. Set the expectation and work the process along that trajectory. Teach, approve, correct, and Lord willing, train.

And just like the knife This is a subtle process where you're taking your hands off little by little as they prove themselves obedient you provide oversight and accountability not because they are incapable but because we all need assistance and As they prove themselves to be trustworthy you can lessen the oversight.

But just because you're lessening the oversight doesn't mean you should lessen the accountability. Accountability is absolutely necessary for all of God's children within the community. He created for us accountability stays oversight and direction slowly fade away.

A Very general target I shared early on in this series is that a child should be making more wise choices than foolish choices. Like at least a 60 -40 split before I will give my blessing for them to function as a young adult.

I'll give more reasoning behind this on our next point. So that's what I would do if my child were younger than 13. But second what about those of you whose kids are older than 13 and you haven't yet transitioned them to young adulthood?

Well regardless of their age if they aren't a born-again believer, you need to continue being a gospel parent. You should check out our evangelism parenting series as soon as possible. And like I said before though, you might have waited longer than you should to transition them.

There's absolutely no reason you shouldn't start now. We don't give up just because we're starting a few years late. There will be a different there will be different challenges now, but it's completely doable.

Now if I were in the position where I hadn't started transitioning my kids to adulthood by the time they turn 13 I would sit down with my child. Explain what God is teaching me about this subject and then set an expectation that God and I want them to grow into the spiritual Maturity to match their current physical maturity to that end depending on the child I might give a year deadline.

For example, that should give us enough time to not only cover the important information. But also substantiate that whatever change in behavior we observe isn't just a flash in the pan. But a year might not be long enough for some kids given the level of their current spiritual immaturity.

You might want to set 18 as the ribbon toward which they're running. But I would also encourage you to move that goal closer if they start really taking responsibility. For their spiritual maturity and they start functioning as a young adult earlier than projected.

The key here is that we're looking for every opportunity for your child to practically use what you're teaching them a Personal example of this are my kids and their food. For years they knew that their adulthood ceremony was going to come when they were 13 if they were being faithful and they knew that they needed To be growing in that maturity and faithfulness now here today.

So my wife and I would frequently give the kids opportunities to make decisions for themselves. For example what they were going to eat for breakfast or lunch. We taught them the kinds of things they should be eating and why we discussed the biblical truths concerning gluttony and the stewardship of our health.

We then asked them what kinds of eating choices should a spiritually mature adult be making? They both were easily able to provide wonderful answers. So now the question would be are they actually going to use those principles and put them into practice?

I remember the days we gave our son and then later our daughter permission to choose their own breakfast and lunch meals on the days. We didn't eat together as a family. Did they always make the best decisions?

No, how do I know. Well because my wife and I provided accountability. Remember, that's something we all need. We didn't smack them down though. The first day they chose a poor breakfast, but after like a week of that or a few days of that Yes, we sat them down to review the choices.

They made we asked them to judge for themselves how they've been doing. We were proved were necessary. I Can't actually remember right here right now the last time I had an issue with The general trajectory of the foods my kids ate.

Or make and ate for themselves. Now, that's not to say that sometimes I don't completely wonder why they're eating what they're eating or Yes, we've talked to my son now that he's in college about how to make good wise choices while he's there because sometimes when he's Under stress he has this weird thing about not eating.

Those are always those things and I don't want to give you the impression that my kids are perfect in this or that were Perfect parents in it, but it has been years and years since I made that kind of food choice for them.

Of course like everything else in their lives again, I continue to monitor and provide accountability. So yes, sometimes I will ask have you eaten any fruits or vegetables today? But you know what? I'm humbled and honest enough to admit that both of my kids tend to have far more Christ honoring eating behaviors than I often do.

And yes again, my son is off at college and I have no idea what he's eating. But I trust that he's making mostly wise choices because he has a history of faithfulness. But what if I dictated to them every meal and then when they magically turned 18 announced that they were free to make all of Their own eating choices.

I'll tell you what would happen. They wouldn't have been prepared to glorify God with their eating just like the vast majority of professing Christians in America just like I. Now I've been going for a while on this first point and we still have our second point and your questions to answer.

But don't worry the detail we've covered in this first point will just make the second very easy to answer. So let me do that now. Number two transitioning a young slash immature adult to a mature adult.

Transitioning a Young Adult to Greater Maturity

Congratulations, you have finally given your son or daughter your blessing to transition from childhood to young adulthood. But you and they should understand that though they may be now adults. They are not as mature as they should be they are not functioning Christ honoringly enough to have full control of everything in their lives.

Part of this is due to ignorance of many practical adult responsibilities like bookkeeping and car maintenance. Which of course you should totally be teaching them now, but also because they still make a lot of foolish choices 60 -40 isn't a really awesome split.

So what does helping them continue to mature from less mature adulthood to more mature adulthood look like? Well, it takes the same thing you and I need today. It takes exactly what you've been given them up until this point.

They need to be educated about the will of God and how to glorify him when they fail to make biblically wise choices. They need to a truthful and loving reproof. When they soften their hearts and recognize that they still have a lot of immaturity that needs to be worked away you correct them and then you continue training them as they participate in the process and Again, I keep saying this because we need this too.

This is what I need in my life and I will just say as parents too often. We don't have this. We don't have people teaching and reproving and correcting and training us, but that's what discipleship is.

That's what the one another's are. That's what the whole ministry of the church should be in addition to evangelism. Now Lord willing the biggest difference between parenting a child to adulthood and parenting a less mature adult to more mature Adulthood is that you're teaching and reproving and correcting less and less and you're training more and more.

However, if you find yourself unable to train your child because they're not participating if they aren't interested in correcting their beliefs desires Actions words and feelings and if you find yourself having to continually teach and reprove teach and reprove.

Then you can know for certain that your child is not functioning as an adult. They're living like a foolish child who shouldn't be allowed to brandish the tool of independence to their harm. We'll talk more about this scenario in our last point for today when we answer some of your questions.

For now though the basic formula for parenting your young adults to deeper levels of maturity is decreased direction and increased counsel. I like to put it this way more and more commands are becoming counsel.

Now before we move to your questions, let's talk about the tightrope of parenting a young adult. You have the exact same ditches on each side of this as you did when they were younger. You can command too much and dictate their lives so that they're not functioning as an adult at all.

Or you can give them too much freedom and independence that they're not ready to maturely wield. The only difference now is that the rope is higher off the ground. The failures of a 19 year old tend to be more life-altering than the failures of a 9 year old.

You and they both have farther to fall. Therefore one of the huge blessings of starting your little children on the road to maturity by learning when and how you can allow a Command to become counsel so that they can exercise their spiritual muscles to make wise choices for themselves.

Is that you're learning and growing yourself in the process? Doing this successfully with a child should result in you being able to do this better with a young adult when there's more at stake. Where you know, were they to actually make a really bad choice?

And by the way as a biblical counselor. Let me tell you that more and more kids are leaving the home at 18 only to prove to their parents that they never really did. Want to follow God? Every day I witness what happens when parents don't rear their kids for adulthood early and often and I don't want that for you or For your kids.

It's so easy to take the lazy Christian parent route believing that what I just said is happening to the other people's kids. Definitely won't happen to yours. Only to discover that you were a fool for believing that.

You only have the kids you have they're not. Experiments, you don't get do-overs. They're real people that God created and for whom he has a will. You absolutely need to worship the Lord by faithfully parenting them into the maturity.

He desires of them. So as a recap. Parenting your young adults to deeper levels of spiritual maturity follows an identical progression to parenting your kids to adulthood. The difference is that hopefully you're both more mature now.

You're commanding less and less and counseling more and more and you're both watchful. Because you understand just how dangerous poor adult decisions can be. Now let's end today by number three answering your questions.

What Happens at 18, and How Consequences Change for Adult Children

What happens when they turn 18? Answer this question in two ways. A if they're a functioning Christ honoring young adult then nothing much should change. The only thing I plan to do for my son when he turns 18 in just a month or so is get his money Transferred into his own bank account and get him a credit card in his name.

Now, please don't freak out when I say credit card. My son doesn't have to use the Ramsey envelope system because we've been teaching him his whole life how to glorify God with his finances. He uses a credit card like a debit card only he's building amazing credit in the meantime.

We also plan to take him to the DMV so he can finish off procuring his full-blown driver's license. Other than that nothing much is really going to change in our relationship. He still has not been given our full blessing to be fully out from underneath our inherent parental authority.

Therefore, even though he's at college we have expectations for his grades and eating and relationships and entertainment. We're doing our best to provide accountability and we're moving toward the day when he will be out from under our inherent parental authority.

However. B, what about the kids who claim they don't have to be under your inherent authority anymore because they're 18? Well first that child has definitely proven that they're not functioning as a Christ honoring adult.

Second they still can't avoid your inherited authority. Third it's true that if they choose to leave the house, you can't legally make them come back at least in America. But fourth that's not really your biggest problem at the moment.

Their actions are merely a consequence of their very dark deceived and dead heart. I would also want to ask where is your parenting community in all of this? Why haven't they been helping prepare your child for this moment?

Will they now surround that child with loving reproof and rebuke following the pattern our Lord laid out in Matthew 18? And go to them seeking repentance? I hope so. By way of review turning 18 in America is just another opportunity to reduce your control and increase your counsel.

Next question. Is it appropriate to give adult children consequences? Well, that depends. Are they out of your home and therefore out from under your inherent authority? Then no, you're not really giving them consequences like you would when they were younger.

That doesn't mean that the primary consequences of sin aren't in their lives. And that doesn't mean that there won't be practical real-life consequences of their choices. But you aren't meeting them out as an authority figure any more than you would do.

So in let's say my life. However, just because your 16 year old had her adulthood ceremony three years ago. Doesn't mean that you don't give her consequences when she sins. Here's why. First she's a young adult who has not been given your full blessing to come out from under your full inherent authority.

You haven't moved completely out of that role. Second she's still under your inherent authority as her landlord. Now it might sound strange to say it that way but I can't tell you how many parents I've met who feel uncomfortable having an expectation for Their 18, 19 and much older children who still live at home.

Listen, if they live under your roof. Then it's completely appropriate for you to have expectations for their behavior and to give them consequences when they don't obey. Secular landlords do this with their properties.

You're not allowed to have a dog in most and they will fine you and potentially evict you if you break the rules enough. Now listen, this is coming to you from a 44 year old man who is married and has two children.

And who currently lives in his parents home? My parents though they are not functioning as my inherent parental authority. They are inherently my authority and the fact that this is their home and they get to set the expectations for how things Happen in this home and what they want and don't want.

And listen, I don't want to be evicted. So i'm gonna follow their rules. That's a joke. I mean, it's true, but i'm obviously I don't think i'm worried about being evicted. So yes an adult child regardless of their age.

If they live in your home should submit to your expectations and should receive consequences when they don't. If they're not going to go to church with you. If they're not going to hold down a job if they're not going to follow the other house rules.

Then they need to move out. By the way, if you don't know what I mean by inherent and inherited authority, please listen to our authority series really important stuff there. And if you don't know what I mean about primary and secondary consequences, please listen to our consequences series.

Those will both be linked for you in the description. And the final question for the day. What happens when a young person you thought was acting like an adult? Really messes up. Or I might be asked proves that they're not one.

I alluded to this earlier and it happens frequently for two main reasons. The first reason this happens is that we incorrectly believed our kids were more mature than they were. This in many ways is the pandemic of parenting.

We're too superficial and lazy and uninformed about what it takes to parent a child into christlikeness that we just assume that they are Where they need to be. The second reason a young adult may really mess up is that you know, they're a sinner.

We're all sinners we're all at risk because we're all one decision away from disobeying God and destroying our lives. Just consider the number of well-known elderly pastors who have fallen in recent days.

Honestly that seem to fall every year. So I want to posit three responses that should be the same regardless of how old an adult is or what sin they committed. Number one the adult needs reproof. That reproof needs to include teaching and rebuke.

Primary consequences have occurred. So there is a very good chance. There will need to be secondary consequences from appropriate authority figures. All of this reproof is Lord willing moving toward correction.

Reconciliation, of course, we can't cross that bridge between reproof and correction until the individual confesses apologizes and commits to repentance. Now the following two points deal with a facet of the consequences that may result from their choices.

Number two the adult may need the consequences of a repentant individual. A truly repentant individual shouldn't just be given carte blanche to continue making the same decisions that led to their sin.

They need accountability and oversight in those areas. And yes, the oversight is now back because they were proving that they were being Immature in that particular moment. So now they need some more oversight with that accountability.

This is common sense. A pastor who's failed in money matters should recognize that he must stop overseeing the church's budget. The other elders and deacons and congregations should support him losing those privileges.

Now does that mean he needs to stop preaching from the pulpit simply because he doesn't balance the books. Well, no, that's not what that means. But that means in that particular area. He needs more oversight and accountability.

Of course this all assumes the individual recognizes their failure and wants to glorify God and mature in this area. They're taking the steps for reconciliation and repentance and they're growing. If that's not the case number three the adult may need the consequences of an unrepentant individual.

An unrepentant person is a scorner. They're a fool the exact opposite of a spiritually mature adult. They're functioning as a foolish sinful child. Such a person should not be trusted to wield any form of independence for their good and anyone else's good.

You might say well Aaron that's pretty harsh to say. But you do agree with this point. Let me show you. There's a huge category of physically mature adults who are not allowed to function as adults. They're people in assisted living those who have dementia.

Those who have cognitive issues that result in them making dangerous decisions for themselves. In all of those cases you fully support family doctors and nurses protecting them from themselves. So, please explain to me how the conscious high-handed sin of an unrepentant scorning adult.

Is any less dangerous than the mindless poor choices of a dementia patient or in an individual with extreme down syndrome. Now practically speaking were I to bottom out like that. Were I to sin in such a way and not be repentant and all of that stuff.

There is little that you personally can do to remove me from the adult responsibilities I have. However, I promise you that my board would remove me from my position. My church should step in and have a say in how i'm managing my family or whatever.

The situation was that I was involved in. Your church shouldn't extend an invitation for me to speak. So yes, a celebrity pastor may have failed in the arena of sexuality. But not only does that disqualify him from ministry if he's unrepentant.

He shouldn't be trusted to christ-honoringly glorify the lord in any of his other choices. He's unrepentant. He doesn't want to submit to god. So when it comes to your young person. They may be a scorner who needs the title and independence associated with being a young adult revoked by whatever authority figures are left in his life.

But if they're genuinely repentant and willing to submit to loving reproof for the sake of the glory of god. Then most of the oversight and accountability will likely occur in the affected areas of their lives.

And doesn't necessarily have to impact everything in their lives. Now wow, this was our longest episode in a while. And I just wanted to make sure that we covered all of our bases so that you have all the information you need to parent your kids to adulthood.

But don't forget that if there are still questions, we are here to answer your specific needs for you. You can email us at counselor at truthloveparent .com or leave a voicemail at 828 -423 -0894. Also, if you're a homeschooler who lives in the east coast.

Please consider signing up for the great homeschooling convention and or the thrive conference. And all of you should definitely go to mypillow .com to see the products they offer and get your amazing discounts.

And you should also please purchase a copy of quit how to stop family strife for good. All those links are in the description. And lastly, please join us on our next series entitled parenting sorrowing children.

I'll see you then. Truth love parent is part of the evermind ministries family and is dedicated to helping you worship god through your parenting. So join us next time as we study god's word to learn how to parent our children for life and godliness.

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