Have You Not Read S2E16 - Niceness

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Thank you. My name is Chris Giesler and today is with me Michael Durham and we have a question that came in on our website about niceness.

So there's several parts to this question, but it reads, when did niceness become the paragon of Christian virtue?

Not the niceness that equates to subjective truth or non -judgmentalism, but the

Christian niceness that is ashamed when sin is confronted directly, personally, and brings offense in order to call to repentance and reconciliation.

What are your thoughts on that? Well that seems to be a very specific kind of scenario.

There seems to be a lot of context to that and I think that some degree of observing the tone of various blog posts and Christian influencers, people who have, you know, big churches or big names or lots of books that have been published.

In the last few years, when controversial subjects come up, when there seems to be the need for a very clear, courageous stance to be taken concerning certain issues, it seems that the watchword is that of winsomeness and being nice and indeed a great deal of caution,

I would say, being put into responses even. The timing of responses, not responding directly or quickly when responses are made to controversial issues, they're done so with so much equivocation and qualification and so on that it seems as if the communication from Christian leaders is that either the

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Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.

So as we reflect upon that passage, he just asked for prayer that he would be able to make the gospel clear, manifest, so it would be fully fledged in speaking.

He did not want there to be a window open but a door. Think about what that means given the metaphor of hospitality.

If somebody opens a door to you, they're bringing you in to take care of you. Hospitality was the way of the world and how you would make your way from one town and one village to the next more than staying in some sort of inn.

If somebody, and this is how Jesus sent out his disciples, two by two, and he said if they welcome you in, if you find a man of peace there, then you'll preach the gospel there.

If they reject you, you have to wipe your feet off and move on. So the metaphor is that of hospitality and Paul saying,

I want a door opened. And if a door is opened, that means that you're welcomed inside and you have the opportunity to sit down with someone and make the whole gospel clear.

Now think about, for instance, the the book of Hebrews. When we think about the book of Hebrews, a sermon, it was called a brief address.

If you read it out loud, it's about 15 something minutes long, almost an hour long when you read it out loud. But it is written in a style of Greek that wasn't

Paul's. It probably belonged more to Luke. But the content really is his, I think.

But even if it wasn't Paul's sermon, it surely carried a bunch of his themes.

So that would represent a full -fledged sit -down, let's talk about all the contours of the gospel, with somebody who was a

Jew. Yeah, and I think that book contains some offensive things to the Jews.

Yeah, there's some things in there that are probably very startling, combative even, certainly confrontational.

And so that's what Paul wants. I want a door open so I can make the gospel manifest.

Now when he turns his attention to the Church of Colossae, then having just asked for prayer in that way, then what does it mean in his instructions, walk in wisdom, redeem the time, let your speech be with grace, season with salt, that you may know how to answer each one.

Would that not mean then that you may make the gospel manifest to each one?

When we read that, sometimes we insert ideas there that are not necessarily in the text.

We might read that and say, okay, walking in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time, letting our speech always be with grace so we may know how to answer each one.

That means that we have to talk to those who are outside in a way that doesn't ever ruffle their feathers, in a way that we would cause no offense.

So we need to be nice, evangelistically nice. We need to be uncommonly careful and cautious with our tone so that when somebody leaves, they have no ill thoughts whatsoever about what just occurred.

No, but that's all important to the text. That's not what's actually there. In the context, Paul just finished asking for prayer that he might make the gospel fully manifest, and I think that's what he's instructing them to do.

The idea of how you have to answer each one is, how can you make the gospel fully manifest to each one that you're dealing with?

How can you make sure that you redeem the time, not waste the time, but walk in wisdom, let your speech be seasoned with grace as with salt.

And again, that doesn't mean be rude, get it over quick, or anything like that. That means really considering in a loving fashion the person who is on the outside, and how may

I effectively, carefully, fully manifest the good news of Jesus Christ to them.

Yeah, and that's not going to be a cookie -cutter approach, because it says, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Yes. After already saying those outside, so we're talking about those that are outside, but then he breaks it down in our interaction with individuals.

It seems like there's a lot of things that touch on this. We think about the fruit of the Spirit, you know, love, peace, kindness, and so I can understand people saying, well, we want to be loving, we want to be kind, maybe even use the word, winsome, towards those that are outside.

We want to win them over. I think there might also be part of this, and a lot of times it's about evangelism.

We're outreach, we want to reach out to people, and so our view of the sovereignty of God, if it rests on us, then what we present is what the person gets, and that's the end of the story.

So if I fail, if I say something wrong or present it in a wrong way, so I have to be extra careful versus, no, it's

God that's in control over salvation, and he's the one that is working. Do you think there's some freedom in that aspect, as far as evangelism goes?

Yeah, there's certainly freedom in evangelism. I mean, there's, not in terms of the content, but in the way that we're going to be dealing with each person.

I mean, there has to be some flexibility. There is, you know, what if, you know, you are probably the only

Christian that this non -christian usually interacts with, right? How are you going to conduct yourself, right?

How are you going to comport yourself? You're going to have several opportunities to simply cut things off. It's not hard.

It's not hard to simply end a relationship with somebody who is not a Christian.

They're ready to be offended, right, because they're dealing with guilt and shame, and they have no place to go. There's going to be anger.

They're going to be feeling guilt and shame and condemnation just being around you. It is easy to end those types of relationships very quickly.

So how do we make the most of them? How do we remain in such a way that we might continually present the gospel to them and live in such a way that makes an impact on their lives?

Right. Would you say, in those encounters, say we want to be biblical, so you're in this encounter and you're wanting to be kind.

Yeah. A temptation might be to be nice and when the idea of sin comes up or they bring that up,

I think kindness would be to tell them, you know, this is wrong in the sight of God or to inform them.

That's not a good path to go down. Niceness might try to gloss over those things in the conversation.

Yeah, the term for kindness is more closely related grammatically to that of grace than to some sort of niceness.

The whole idea behind the Greek word for kindness in which, you know, we think of the the verse out of Titus where the goodness and kindness of God towards man appeared and giving his son.

Isn't that kind? But in that kindness, the word speaks of moral goodness.

It speaks of uprightness and integrity. There is a sense in which this is the kind of word that indicates that we're not doing any harm.

Mm -hmm. But let's reflect upon that. It is good to be kind. It is a godly thing to be kind. God was kind to us.

We are to be kind to one another in the church and kind to those who were outside the church.

For God's reign falls upon the just and the unjust. So let us be kind both to those within and without the kingdom of Christ.

Well, when it comes to moral goodness and integrity and doing no harm, these are all ways of talking about speaking the truth, all right?

So if I'm gonna be morally good, I need to speak the truth. If I'm gonna have integrity, I need to speak the truth. If I'm gonna do no harm, then

I better not tell a lie. Right. So I think of the example of Penn and Teller Penn, a notable atheist and, you know, he's all messed up.

But somebody, a believer, we don't know what the person's name is, but they gave him a

Bible and tried to witness to Penn. And, of course, he completely rejected it and everything else. But then he has this infamous rant where he goes on and he rants about all the other people who were

Christians who obviously didn't really believe what they said. Because none of them gave him a

Bible and indicated that he had a need for salvation lest he be damned to hell. So if you really believe this and you're just willing to let me go to hell, then what kind of people are you?

Right. And so in this case, it's like, well, I don't want to ruffle his feathers. I want to be kind and winsome.

And, you know, just the glow of my natural exuberance and positivity is going to be enough to attract him to Christ.

But in fact, you're basically not caring whether or not he goes to hell, in a sense, by not following through.

Does it ruffle? Does it confront? Yes. In its nature, it seems like.

Right. Kindness, when we think of that word kind and kindness in the

New Testament, wherein we are exhorted to be kind, it would be very kind of us to find a way to state what needs to be stated if we really care about people.

So this goes with, you know, a variety of situations. What are the controversial situations, right? We're not going to practice pro -non hospitality.

Why not? That would not be kind. It would not be morally upright or of integrity or it would not be benign.

It would actually do harm if we were to affirm somebody in their perversion or in their deception.

Right. That's just one example. I mean, other examples would include we're not going to affirm people who are engaging in homosexual lifestyles or trying to sacralize homosexual affections.

Well, that, you know, that wouldn't be very winsome to talk about those things. Well, what would be kind? You know, what would be kind?

What would be loving? To inform them. Yeah. What would be gracious? We have to find a way to talk about it. And, of course, again, boy, it could be really easy to be prideful, rude, arrogant, bombastic, and very quickly end that conversation or end that relationship and walk away as the martyr, hey,

I got persecuted for Jesus today. Right. Or did you just fumble the ball because you were tired of carrying it.

Right. Yeah. And we've got to be honest about that. Yeah. And there's the other side, which is because of this idea of niceness, that even bringing it up as a conversation is perceived as meanness.

Yes. But then you're just kind of at an impasse. You can't talk about anything that might be offensive if niceness or winsomeness is the goal.

Yeah. I think that you have to think about what the Bible says. How does the Bible put it?

You know, for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life.

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world but the world might be saved through him. What's the problem?

Well, this is the condemnation that the light has come into the world and men love the darkness rather than the light because their deeds were evil.

They're running. Mm -hmm. The basic state of man, according to Genesis 6 and Genesis 8 and Romans 3 and Jeremiah 17 and so on, what's the basic state of man?

He's running, right? They're running away from God, running away from the light. Now what would be kind?

What would be gracious? What would be loving? What would be long -suffering? All day long, God says, I have stretched out my hands to a stubborn and rebellious people.

What would be kind? What would be loving? Sending forth his Son to those who were in darkness. He would rage against his own son and kill him.

What would be kind? What would be loving? He would be confronting those who were in darkness. They're already running and they're gonna keep running unless something or someone trips them up.

And God has given us a word of salvation, a word of hope. That hating the garment stained with filth, stained with sin, we still need to grab people and get them out of the fire,

Jude says. You know, when you talk to somebody who is well entrenched in their commitment to sin, well entrenched in the rejection of Christ and so on, it's easy to feel like, man, if I bring this up, they're just gonna get really upset.

Haven't they made their position known? Am I totally disrespecting them by breaching the subject again?

Isn't this just gonna make them more angry and push them away from God? I don't want to do that. Right. That is a very common feeling amongst

Christians. But think about the person that is in opposition to God in one way or the other.

In this conversation that you're going to have with them, as you pray for wisdom and you want to share Christ with them, you've got nothing to lose.

You've got nothing to lose. Why? Because you are safe and secure in your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

You've got nothing to lose. You've already died to self, you're buried with Christ, raised to new life.

That conversation is gonna absolutely cost you nothing. Okay, you have nothing to lose, but they have everything to gain.

They have everything to gain. Everything. Yeah, everything. So when you go into the conversation, go like that.

And that's in love. That's considering, you know, and listen, we're never gonna nail it.

We're never gonna be perfect in everything we would like to say. You know, we're not gonna remember all the scriptures we might want to or we may not be able to express everything in optimal verbiage.

But God is always in the business of hitting straight shots with bent sticks. Mm -hmm. But if we don't ever pick up the stick and we're like the the servant who's like, yeah, well this is just too hard, whatever, that's not good.

Right. We talked about kindness and we've been mentioning love. There's a passage on love in 1st

Corinthians and Paul is talking particularly about tongues and people maybe abusing the gifts and so he switches to talking about how we use our gifts and love.

But within that chapter, chapter 13 verse 4, he says love is patient and kind.

It doesn't say nice. It says love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth.

And then love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.

Mm -hmm. I think that's such a great model for when we're speaking to people is this might be a longer conversation.

It's not that you have to win them in this moment. Being aware, like Paul saying, give me a door to share the gospel and leave it up to God.

But love does not rejoice in wrongdoing. So we can't affirm the worldview that they want us to affirm but that doesn't mean that we can't talk to them in a way that is truthful and honest but also leaves room for further conversations if they're open to that.

Yes. Kind of a second part to this question and then we can wrap it up. It says that niceness is doubly offended when speaking this way is preached by a strong godly man who exudes righteous patriarchy.

Is niceness the result of feminization of the church? And it seems on this point there's kind of a question about authority.

Someone who's speaking authoritatively, is that meanness to speak authoritatively?

Well no it isn't. It doesn't follow. I mean there is an allergy to hierarchy, you know, in our culture.

There's an authority. There's an allergy to authority in many situations, not all situations.

But when we're thinking about is there an effeminizing of the church because of this difficulty with a man up in the pulpit preaching boldly and strongly?

I don't know. When we look at 1st Timothy or 2nd Timothy chapter 4, Paul says to Timothy, I charge you therefore before God and the

Lord Jesus Christ who will judge the living and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom, preach the word, be ready in season and out of season, convince, rebuke, exhort with all long -suffering and teaching.

And why? This is the kind of thing that the questioner is pointing to.

People look at that and they say that's not nice. That's out of order. You shouldn't have that kind of preaching because that doesn't communicate well.

It drives people away from God or whatever. It fails to be winsome. It fails to be nice. Well Paul says this is very important for Timothy to do this kind of preaching and teaching.

Why? Verse 3 of 2nd Timothy 4, for the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers, and they will turn their ears away from the truth and be turned aside to fables.

So you know when I think of if there is a type of an effeminization of the church, it is one in which it is effeminizing of the church into the world's version of effeminacy, where there's no value of truth, where everybody is to be saying really really nice placating things no matter what you think.

Now that's a world's version of femaleness and effeminacy, wherein somebody, you know, she puts something up on an

Instagram post or something, and no matter what it is, everybody just gushes at how wonderful it is.

You know, over -the -top, love -bombing kind of stuff.

Is that a biblical version of femininity? I don't think so. When you think of how does the

Bible, how does God see femininity, it's not one that has an aversion to truth.

It's not one that has an aversion to standing for what is right and and taking a bold stance.

There is a difference between men and women in God's view, and that is true. There's different roles in the family and in the church and in society, that's true.

But I wouldn't say, if it isn't an effeminization of the church, it's into the world's version of femininity.

Right, rather than the way that God created things to be. Yes, exactly.

So I would say I get what the questioner is asking, but, you know, just to be clear,

I think that when we look at the women who are praised in the scriptures, they they do very courageous things based on the truth and stand for good things.

Think of Hannah and Abigail and the Hebrew midwives. Right, there's plenty of examples of strong females, yes, being female.

Yeah, and and standing for what is right and even taking risks and not being afraid to, you know, to stand up and say something if something's wrong.

Right. So in that sense, yeah. Yeah, and as far as that the question of niceness versus, you know, authority,

I think of Jesus saying, all authority in heaven on earth has been given to me. And then likewise, he says, if they persecute you, they persecuted me first.

He had, he brought authority with him and in our culture that, like you said, that hierarchy is lost.

Anything that smacks of authoritarianism, unless it's the state, is wrong. Isn't that strange?

Yeah. Yeah, people are, people who are afraid of authoritarian preachers are in love with a tyrannical state.

You know, that's, it's an odd thing. Very strange. Well, I think that wraps it up for the question.

Now we can move into the time, talk about what we're grateful for. Well, I'm thankful that tomorrow is my son's 16th birthday and it's been quite a journey, you know, being the firstborn, you know, he gets the brunt of all of our mistakes and all of that, but I'm very thankful for my son

Benjamin. Very proud of him and just looking forward to our time tomorrow. We've been working on a project for a year, working on a truck, getting it repaired and ready to go so that he can be puttering around in that very, very soon.

So, very cool. I'm grateful for my wife. I come up with a lot of scatterbrained ideas and places

I think, oh, we should go in this direction, we should do that, we should do that, and always she lets me dream and have those visions and she's always there to set her hand to it, to make it successful, and if she doesn't think it's a good idea, she's very kind and gracious and lets me kind of think that out and let me figure it out on my own, but she's always supportive, but also honest.

She's not afraid to give her opinion and I greatly appreciate that. And that wraps it up for today.

We are very thankful for our listeners and hope you will join us again as we meet to answer common questions and objections with Have You Not Read?