Is Having a Wife a Prerequisite for Being a Pastor?

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Alright Tim, the question for today's episode is, is having a wife a prerequisite for being a pastor?

01:33

No, but it doesn't hurt. Okay. Well, it's interesting that you say that, because I had always understood what

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Paul, the requirements that he set out for being a pastor in 1

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Timothy. I always understood it as you must be married in order to be a pastor.

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So why do you say no, it's not a prerequisite, meaning it's not a requirement, but then it is probably a good thing that you are married.

02:10

Yeah, so what you're referring to is 1 Timothy 3 .2, where it says, Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, silver -minded, self -controlled, respectable, hospitable, and able to teach.

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Now, I mean, in that language, when you think about the way the English is translating at that point, it seems like maybe a lot more dogmatic that a pastor must be the husband of one wife, he must be married, in other words.

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But then, you know, the Greek basically just says, like literally, it's basically just saying a one -woman man.

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And, you know, when you think about what's actually being communicated there, it's basically just saying a man who's, like, not sexually immoral.

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So overwhelmingly, that's, like, the overwhelming obvious implication. And then if it is actually a requirement for a pastor to be married and not just, like, devoted to one person, essentially, like meaning he's not known to be sexually immoral in that way, then you're in an awkward situation because Jesus and Paul would be basically disqualified from being pastors there.

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And so I think, you know, I think as a lot of people view it, they are viewing it like in maybe the most— they're taking it in the most, like, absolute kind of strict sense of the expression.

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But I think there's a lot of qualifications in there that are basically just kind of assuming that, you know, an elder in general would probably be someone who is well past the age of being married, right?

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And well past the age of having a family at that point. And so I think when you're looking at these qualifications in general, you do have to kind of read them in light of the worldview that is present there at the time.

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And the worldview that's present at the time is basically just that the overwhelming majority of people are going to be married.

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They're going to have kids even because they're not living in a time where it's just expected that you get married and maybe wait five or ten years to have a child at that point.

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So—and then like you think about like how these qualifications actually work, like they're meant to—like an honorable person is just going to get married and he's going to have kids and then you're going to be able to look at the fruit of like how he's managing his home to determine, well, is he qualified to manage the

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Church of God? Because like, you know, the way he manages his home, his wife, his, you know, kids are going to be a resume for him at that point.

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But then I think, you know, obviously in that society you have people like Paul who are devoting themselves to advance the gospel over the known world at the time and who are basically undivided in their intention to spread the good news.

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And so, you know, there is that category of the single person that would function, you know, kind of as an exception to this rule in general.

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But then I think, yeah, for the most part I think most people would rather see a married pastor than an unmarried pastor for a wide variety of reasons in general.

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Why do you think that most people would look for the unmarried pastor? Yeah, I mean, so like with the unmarried pastor then, you know,

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I think they're dealing with the reality of like the same reality that the Catholic Church is dealing with where you have individuals who are, you know, quote -unquote devoting themselves to celibacy and then, you know, you have all these monks that are denying their creational makeup, you know, how

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God designed them to be. Like the hormones that he's given them and the natural urges that he's given them and then you put a bunch of men who've devoted themselves to celibacy in close proximity to a bunch of nuns who have also devoted themselves to celibacy and then you end up with orphanages, you know, that are being created in secret, you know, like the excessive need.

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So, I mean, I think like for the most part, I mean, like sexual desire is like a significant trial for men and marriage is meant to be an outlet for that.

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And if you take a man and you expect him to suppress that, I mean, the vast majority of men are just simply not, you know, able to suppress that indefinitely and you get yourself in a lot of problems there.

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But then I think like if you just think about like in general how these qualifications are expected to function, like it's expected that elders are going to be elder, right?

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Like they're not just going to be like very, very young people, right? And so they're expected to function in that kind of way.

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And so you have a person who's, you know, been through some trials at that point in their life and you can look at how they're handling their family, how they're handling those trials.

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You know, I think it just says a lot about, you know, a person in general that they were – that they had like the character necessary to even obtain a wife, right?

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Yeah. They convince someone that they're worth living the rest of their life with.

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Is that what you're saying too? Yeah, I think so. So I think like the kind of person who just –

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I mean there's obviously, you know, it's a rough world out there. So I'm not trying to pick on people who are unwillingly single. It's a rough world out there.

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But I mean like there is something to be said about like, you know, you were able to convince like at least another person that you were worth marrying as far as that's concerned.

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You made like appropriate life choices to make yourself like a desirable person in general. You had your –

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I mean you've made those kind of decisions. I think in general it is like meant to be just like, you know, as a generality, these are the way – generally the things that people should be looking for.

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You kind of overlook them to your – mostly to your headache. But then –

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I mean there could be like plenty of situations where, you know, like a man is widowed or something like that.

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That could definitely – like an older man widowed, you know, been there, done that, got the

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T -shirt. He may not have a wife at the moment anymore but wanted to, you know, pass the time of thinking about such things.

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And so I think there's plenty of situations like that where like these aren't meant to be just like iron chains on a person.

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And I think there's like legitimate situations like Paul and Jesus where you wouldn't want to basically say Paul or Jesus was disqualified from the ministry.

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Now, so in my experience, I've met a lot of people, you know, who would say that you shouldn't discriminate at all between – like let's say you're at a church and you've got to hire another pastor and you're looking at two different candidates, right?

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And so one is, you know, one is married and one is not.

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And they're equal in every other aspect. You know,

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I've met a lot of people, especially when I was in school, who would essentially argue like you can't just hire the – you can't view the married thing as better than not married.

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Meaning like you can't – essentially what they're trying to say is like, hey, you can't let like, oh, just because this person isn't married be like a determining factor in deciding, hey, we're not going to hire you.

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So if you were in that situation, they're equal in every way, but then one's married and one is not, who would you pick?

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Or would it just be a, you know, flip of a coin at that point for you? That's an interesting question, and I would say

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I want to go in two different directions at once. But I want to – so I don't accept the logic that you can't discriminate.

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So I would start by saying that. Like I don't accept the logic that you can't discriminate, meaning like, you know,

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I would just say, well, I'll discriminate if I want to. No.

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Don't tell me what to do. If I want to discriminate, I will. So, you know, but yeah. So I don't accept that as like a morally binding thing.

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Law or something, yeah. Yeah. Like I mean – like meaning like, you know, you're telling me I can't discriminate on the basis of marital status.

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I think you're going too far, you know, like with that kind of thing. So meaning like I think the logic of the qualifications in general are – they're qualifications that – like a big part of it is he must manage his own house so well with all dignity, keeping his children submissive.

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Like I think that is a resume booster for an individual for a reason. And I say that being a person who – you know,

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I wasn't married at the beginning of my seminary. I got married in the middle of seminary and there was a lot of pressure for seminary people to get married for this very reason because they thought they would be unhirable if they didn't get married.

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And I didn't necessarily resent that. You know, I'm not the kind of person who would just like think – like thinks in terms of egalitarian fairness.

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I mean it's like, man, I would like to get married. So I'm not – you know. So you're not unhirable.

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Unhirable. You know, but like if a church – the thing was like if a church looked at me as unhirable because I wasn't married,

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I wasn't like going to pitch a fit and be a baby about it. You get what I'm saying? So I don't really like respect that kind of whiny, fussy person who thinks like that.

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Oh, it's not fair. Everything has to be fair and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like – well, I think there's like – you know, on balance of probability, like there's a lot of like – whether or not this is meant – like that one feature is meant to be an absolute law in that way.

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I don't know that I'd be willing to say that because I don't want to disqualify Jesus or Paul. So I think one woman man – like reading it in the language of one woman man helps in that way.

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Meaning like you don't have a – like if you're just viewing that more like in the language of you don't have a guy who has eyes for every woman he sees or something like that.

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I think that's kind of the intention. Like he's sexually pure. I think that's generally what's – like you want someone who's pure.

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But I mean like a wife is a great safeguard for those kind of things. Like a good wife is a great safeguard for that kind of thing.

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She's a healthy outlet for a man, right? She's a source of provision for a man in that kind of way.

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And like a family – like a man who gets married, has children, like this is going to be like very much a – like regardless of what a person says, like that is going to be something that is going to be a significant help to him in even doing his job, okay?

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So meaning like it is like a resume booster. So the Bible says it's not good for a man to be alone. So God is going to provide a helper fit for him, a helper suitable for him.

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And like behind every good man is a good woman, right? And behind every good woman is – or in front of every – not behind, but in front of every good woman is a good man so to speak.

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And so like I think like – I would argue that they're probably not equally qualified.

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Does that make sense? Yeah, the married and unmarried proponent for pastor.

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Yeah, I wouldn't think that it would be – like if you're saying, hey, they're equally qualified, you would probably like be having to point to like a very – like in a very limited sense.

14:08

Oh, they preach equally well. They both have a same doctrinal standard, right? Right, yeah. Like we have no cause for accusation against them.

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They're both equally gifted in terms of teaching. But then like are they equally qualified?

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Well, I think that that woman probably made that man into a lot better man than he would have been on his own and like has given him a lot more insight into how to minister to married people, right?

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Which most of his congregation is going to be. And has probably worked to – like in terms of just seeing how he lives in private, she's probably worked out a lot of his rough edges in a way that the unmarried guy probably doesn't have.

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So it's not intuitively obvious to me that like there's not a lot of ways in which the married guy would probably be benefited by that woman.

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The presence of like living in close proximity to that woman in a way that the other one hasn't really been tested yet in those ways.

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It doesn't have like an inbuilt accountability in his life that can call him on like things that he can hide on his own.

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Right. So, yeah. No, I don't – I have a – I don't view the – the point is

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I don't view the passages like that qualification as like an absolute law because I wouldn't want to restrict

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Jesus or Paul. But then at the same time, I could see overwhelmingly why like in the vast majority of cases, you ignore it to your peril basically.

15:38

Right. And do you – a lot of the people that I interacted with that really, really were scandalized by the idea that a pastor really should be married.

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And in most scenarios, a lot of the people who are arguing that they don't have to be married were younger guys who really their only thing was they just hadn't found a wife yet.

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They were people who wanted a wife. They weren't like – I think we've talked about this before, but when it comes to the celibate thing, typically when you're the person who is like, hey,

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I don't need a spouse. You're the kind of person who doesn't really have like sexual desires in the way that most normal people have them.

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And so – but these aren't those guys. Like they want a wife and everything that is entailed with finding a wife, but they just haven't yet.

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And so they're just – they're sort of like, hey, well, I just haven't found it yet. That doesn't mean that you should look at me as like unhirable.

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Right. But then for you, if you are hiring someone, would you be at all like nervous about like, hey,

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I'm hiring an unmarried pastor. Like you said, there's not like this inbuilt accountability that is had there by not having a wife to protect this man from potential downfalls or pitfalls.

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Is that something that you – is that something that like makes you wary and makes you think like, well, is there anyone else that I can hire that is married and I don't have to worry about that quite as much?

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Or is it – I think churches are rightfully nervous about that kind of thing.

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And I think – I mean, the kind of people who are making those kind of cases are typically young guys who are in seminary or in Bible college.

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That was my experience. Yeah. I mean, that was my experience too. But even when I was in that stage of life,

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I didn't think that was a good argument. Do you get what I'm saying? Right. So even when

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I was in that stage, I thought like to myself like, oh, no, like it's not good for a man to be alone.

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Like part of the reason I wanted to get married is because I thought that that would help me to be more of a complete person, right?

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Because I do think that God like – that's the way – like regardless of whether or not there's some category for celibacy, right?

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I think there obviously is, but it's like way overblown, right? So it's like there's like a category for maybe like .01

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% of Christians or something, .001 % of Christians like that really meet those biblical criteria.

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But then you're living in a society that despises marriage and marriage like first time marriage rates are on the rise.

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And then they have no sense of urgency, you know, most of it, which is because most of the guys are like addicted to porn.

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And then the ladies are like wanting to be career women and don't want to, you know, get married or have kids and everything else.

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And so there's problems both ways. And then that leads to like, you know, a dramatic increase in the rates of first time marriages to where, you know, marriage rates are plummeting and all that.

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And then in that kind of society, then everyone's demanded – you need to have sensitivity like primarily towards like the sensitive person, and you don't want to other them, right?

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You don't want to tell them as if they're – like there's anything abnormal about being unmarried.

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But then like from a biblical worldview, no, this is absolutely an abnormal state, and it's an affliction.

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It's a trial. It's not according to God's design. And, you know, like I think, yes, women left on their own, they don't end up turning out very well.

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And men left on their own, they don't end up turning out very well. And you need to put them together in order to make them like turn out better, right?

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So like that's the point. And so, you know, like all of my, you know, single friends who are unwillingly single and arguing this kind of stuff in Bible college and seminary, after most of them finally got married, you look at them and you think, oh, man, they've gotten a lot more responsible.

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Their life is a testament to how poor their argument probably was. Yeah, I mean, it's like, oh, man, like, you know,

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I think my –

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I could just tell a personal story like this just to kind of make the point or whatever. But one of my mentors who married me, one of my counseling mentors or whatever, he observed me about six months after marriage.

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And he said, you know, Tim, you look a lot better, you know, than you did in seminary.

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You look healthier, you know, like you've been sleeping more. And what had happened was like I slept three or four hours a night for like four years during seminary and it was even worse when

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I was in Bible college and all that. But I was barely eating anything because I was so broke.

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Like I didn't know where my next meal was coming from. I had to survive on like energy drinks and ramen noodles and everything else.

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And, you know, so like I looked like I was dead tired, exhausted. And I was so sleep deprived to the point where like I could barely think at times.

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And he's like, man, Tim, you look a lot better. And what had happened was I got married and I'm trying to operate on my same schedule.

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And my wife, like she wasn't having it. She's like, I am not going to bed by myself every night while you stay up all night and study.

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And I just thought, I guess I'm just going to have to do worse on these tests. But I ended up sleeping more and like I wasn't so sleep deprived and I didn't push myself so hard like in that way.

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And I got the same grades, you know, I think I was pushing myself really hard, but I wasn't retaining as much. And, you know, but he looked at me and he thought, man, you just you look you look a lot better, you know.

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But I mean, all my friends like, you know, they go from, you know, living in these sloppy dorms and dressing sloppy and, you know, looking like college kids, you know, kind of thing.

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To all of a sudden, like their wives like got them cleaned up and respectable looking pretty quickly, you know.

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And then they learned like like you do. It does take a lot of work to learn how to live with a woman, you know, where you're used to just hanging out with men.

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And I mean, like it is a help is a help. So so at the end of the day, yes, it is.

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It is better to be married. It's better. It's definitely better to be married and a pastor.

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And I think, you know, you can ignore that at your peril. But, you know, whether I think there's some kind of there's

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I think there's very rare scenarios there that Jesus and Paul, but the vast majority of case you do well.

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Just go with what you're saying. OK, fair enough. This has been another episode of Bible Bashed.

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